


The Unbearable Weight of Sand

by Andil



Series: Weight of Love [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, FemNaru - Freeform, M/M, Mpreg, Romance, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-09-25 09:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 50
Words: 237,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9812258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andil/pseuds/Andil
Summary: Naruto has everything he had ever wanted. He should be happy. Right? Yet, something was missing. When an old woman pays Naruto with a wish, something strange happens. Every time he is around his old friend Gaara, he gets horribly sick. Later, that sickness turns him into a girl. Presented with an option he had never considered, what will he choose? A slow romance of NarutoxGaaraSet after Boruto





	1. An unconventional payment

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and thank you for reading!  
> This story is told first person point of view between Gaara and Naruto, and I hope that I can do them justice. There are going to be some mistakes in here as I don't have a beta and this is a hobby piece to keep my mind clear for the novel I'm writing. 
> 
> I will not be using Japanese in this piece. I am not Japanese and though I love the language and culture I am not confident enough to insert it easily into my piece. So in place of Naruto's verbal tick, I use tsch and eh as that is the closest I can think if for an English verbal tick.
> 
> Thank you again, please review!

**Naruto**

 

  
I looked over at myself and nodded as I coordinated my movements with myself. I gripped the body... No... I gripped _Gaara_ from either side and jumped down to the clearing. He was cold, lifeless. I looked over at Sakura with my main body as I set him gently on the ground. _Please_...

She had to be able to save him. She just had to. She rushed forwards, falling to her knees and placing her hands above him, the gentle glow of her chakra emanating from her hands as I released my clones. I watched, my jaw clenched. _Please, Sakura_.

Her hands dropped and she trembled some in her shoulders. She turned her head towards me, then looked down. **No**.

He couldn't be. Something inside of me broke. No. I couldn't accept it. I was too late. What the hell?

Even Menma didn't match this. This was too personal, different. My entire body began to shake and I wasn't sure if I would be able to continue standing.

 **Gaara**.

There was a soft touch to my arm. I opened my eyes and seen my ceiling at home. That dream again. I hated it. I turned to the culprit who had woken me from my nightmare. Beautiful silvery eyes stared down on me and I smiled just a bit at her. "Hinata."

"Naruto." Her voice was soft, comforting. Always comforting. "You dreamt of him again." She looked away, " You said his name." She trailed off with the explanation.

"Yeah." It wasn't the first time that she had woken me from that one. There were others, but lately that one seemed oddly prevalent above the others.

She smiled. "Isn't there a meeting in Suna soon? You will be able to see him. Maybe that will stop your nightmares."

I smiled back, brushing her face softly with my good hand. "Yeah, maybe." I looked out the window and groaned. "Way too early." I frowned. There was a lot to do. There was always a lot to do. "I should probably just get to work. If I don't get ahead there will be a ridiculous amount of paperwork when I get back."

"Naruto..." Hinata kept her eyes on me and I arched my brow at her in question. "Boruto is due back tomorrow."

"He is isn't he?" How long had he been gone for anyway? "I think he had a mission in Suna. That was pretty quick, eh?" I raised my arm and scratched the bank of my head, an odd nervous tick I picked up when I was a kid and never grew out of.

Hinata sighed, "Oh Naruto."

When I realized she wasn't going to continue I got up and dressed myself, finishing with the traditional Hokage robes I had worked so hard for. Just before I left the room, her soft voice called out to me again. I looked back to her, her dark hair glistened in the low light even if it was slightly disheveled. Her silvery eyes were almost surreal, she was the very definition of beauty. I smiled. I was a very lucky man. I wasn't however, prepared for her next question.

"I wonder, if gender and location weren't a factor, would I still be the one you chose?"

I stared at her. Huh? "What are you asking Hinata?"

"Oh, it's nothing." Her face went crimson and she looked down off to the side.  I decided not to press her on it.

"You're weird as ever." I gave her a big smile, "Don't ever change." I waved to her and headed to my office. I felt the corners of my lips lift at that. My office. It felt so good to even be calling it that. My biggest dream, and I had it. Hokage. "Believe it."

With that I picked up my pace, running along the tops of the buildings until I arrived at the tower. I stood there a moment and held up my hand, the way I used to when I was younger until I had my own face in view of the monument. Seventh Hokage. I found it hard to believe it had nearly been ten years already.

I took a deep breath in through my nose, letting the cool moist morning air refresh my mind before I tackled the ever growing mountain of paperwork. I turned and headed inside, through the rounded hall and into the office where so many before me led the village. I found myself tracing my fingers asking the desk. I couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe my own father had done this same thing.

I left my nostalgia behind with a soft sigh, not wanting to go too far into my memories. I brought my hand up, fingers in a cross and summoned a couple clones. They popped into existence and looked over at me.

"Should I get the files?"

"I'll go check to see if there is anything new."

I gave a nod and sat down in my chair as they scurried off. The benefit of clones being my specialty, I could easily be in different places at once.

Before long one of my clones returned with a stack of papers. "Hey, we get through all this, maybe we can spend an extra day or two in Suna!" My other clone popped his head around the corner, "Yeah, do some catching up with Gaara! He isn't so much of an overachiever as us, I'm sure he can fit us in!"

I glared up at them from my paperwork. "I'll replace you."

They both smiled our awkward grin, scratched the backs of their heads and apologized.

The problem with clones, is that they don't have much of a filter. Whatever I was thinking at the time, they do. Whether it is to hold a full conference, go for an interview or random family things I'm just too busy for. At least I could remember most of what they did while I toiled away at the more boring stuff.

Roughly five hundred hours later and twelve more clones, I went through five stacks of paper and it was nearly time for my sleepy and bored advisor to arrive at work. Perfectly on time, not a second sooner.

I watched the clock. The second hand ticked away until it was nearly time. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three.

The door opened. Dang. Off by a couple seconds. "How long exactly have you been here? I just ran into you a couple times already trying to get in here." Shikamaru stood at the door, hands in his pockets with a casual lean. Like usual his eyes looked tired and he wore a slight frown. He yawned, removed his hands from his pockets and approached my desk.

"Just a few hours. Woke up early, so why not?"

"You should take a break sometime. You are one hell of a shinobi and leader, but even the Hokage needs a day off every once in a while." He waved his hand passively, "It's starting to show. Too much more time like this the circles under your eyes will be comparable to the Kazekage's ."

Gaara. I blinked at him. Why was he coming up so much today? First I dream about him, then the clones mentioned him, though that wasn't surprising since they are me and I dreamt about him, then Shikamaru. Yes, I must be looking forward to this trip. Maybe I did need to get away for a little while.

"That is why I'm working so hard on this. I think I might try to stay a couple extra days in Suna if I can."

He looked at me silently for a moment and shrugged. "If you say so. Don't get me wrong Naruto, but you have made that statement the last three times you have gone and every time you return early because you have more work to do." He turned, paused at the door and looked at me with a stern face. "Hey, try to actually take some time for yourself this time?" He turned away and muttered something about not being cut out to be a shinobi .

I sighed. That was true. I had made this same plan a few times before. I smiled to myself, made a fist and hit my open palm with it. This time would be different. "I'm definitely taking a day. Tsh!"

A few hours later one of my clones came back with a few bowls of Ichiraku ramen. "Aha, all right!" I took the chopsticks out of the container, snapped them and began downing the ambrosia that was relatively known as miso ramen.

On the third bowl of ramen I was interrupted by a tapping on my door. I frowned at my last bowl of soup and had a clone take it away.

Shikamaru appeared at the door. "A request has come in. An old lady, requesting a personal audience with the seventh Hokage. She won't say what it's about. Should I let her in?"

I folded my hands on my desk and gave a curt nod. He left, and returned shortly with a small statured older woman. Gray hair, brown tunic. Nothing to really be too identifiable. I narrowed my eyes as I attempted to figure out what she might want. Shikamaru took his place standing behind me.

"I would like to have an escort to the land of tea. You see, my grandson is getting married and though we live in this era of peace," she paused a moment for a breath, "I would like to have some peace of mind while traveling."

"Land of tea?" Well, that is easy.

"Yes."

"Do you know of any threats or dangers that may be present while traveling?"

"None. I do however need to rest a while every now and then. I'm planning on a two week travel regimen."

Eh? "The land of tea is only a couple days of travel."

"I'm an old woman." She folded her arms and I groaned inwardly.

 _I could tell granny_. "I could send a team of genin. Since this will be a low ranking mission, the fee will be considerably lower." I took a deep breath, "However, simply due to the amount of time, I will have to have a price that can pay for their absence."

The old woman smiled and put a bag on the table, loosened the tie and revealed more money than would be needed for this mission five times over. "I have this. I also would like them to stay, then escort me back."

"But, granny-" a sudden sharp pain came from the top of my skull. I groaned.

"Lady Akemi."

Did anybody tell me? I really couldn't recall. "Lady Akemi, this is far more than I can accept."

The woman eyed me a moment with a small 'hmm' "Are you happy, Lord Hokage?"

I stuttered and blinked at her question. "Yes, why do you ask?"

The woman gave a lopsided smile at me. "A hunch."

I pursed my brows together a bit confused. This granny was a bit weird.

"Now then, this is the price I want to pay, and it is what I shall give you. I want no arguments, Hokage or not. The land of tea had become quite prosperous and I hear that partly is because of you." She reached a hand from underneath her cloak. "Deal?"

I sighed.  What she would pay could fund other higher ranking missions that couldn't be paid so readily.  I would be a fool not to accept.  "Fine. We will take your job." I stood and reached out my hand for her to shake.

Without warning she shot forwards, speaking words I couldn't quite catch coming from her with hand signs I could barely see as her hand hit my chest with a flat palm. A hot searing pain spread out from where her palm met my chest and I grabbed at my cloak and looked down expecting to see my flesh burned, but there was nothing. I reached forwards and grabbed the old woman by her cloak. "What the hell!"

"Oh calm down, Lord Hokage, and goon."  She was oddly calm for just attacking me.

I looked up to where the old woman was now looking and seen Shikamaru not even an inch away from the old woman's neck, holding onto a kunai. "Tell me what have you done to the Hokage, and maybe I'll spare your life." His words were acidic, laced with a deep rasp that was even more accentuated than his normal speech.

"Consider it part of your payment, Lord Hokage." She stood still, not even flinching from the kunai at her throat. "It was a risk to pay it, but well worth it." She smiled. "I'm originally a ninja from the valley of fortune. What I've given you is my specialty. A wish jutsu that grants the deepest wish of the person it is given within parameters. It cannot bring back the dead, but can do a great many things."

"Wish jutsu?"

Shikamaru lowered his kunai. "Yeah, I've heard of this. Some time ago there were rumors about a special jutsu that could grant good and bad luck to whoever it was used on. It was said that the head of the family could grant wishes, but it was said to be a simple rumor. Lady Tsunade had an investigation ordered on it once. I came across the papers a few months ago while going through some old files. Nothing was ever found on the family and was put aside."

"That woman had more bad luck than even our jutsu could fix. We actually tried helping her once, but then she left with a big IOU."

"You know grandma Tsunade?"

The woman laughed. "I _still_ know her. Why, just a few months ago we had some sake together. She was quite happy to hear of my grandsons wedding." She smiled before we responded, "She also asked me to give you a wish. Quite odd if you ask me. Doesn't always work the way you want it to, so be careful."

"A wish?" How odd.

 


	2. An Accidental Wish

It took some time hunting down Grandma Tsunade to collaborate the old woman's story.  It annoyed me a bit that the old bat would trick me like that.  I mean, what the hell?  And what was with this whole 'are you happy?' shit anyway?

Of course I was happy.  I had everything I ever wanted.  I was Hokage, the best in history.  I had a family, an insane amount of friends.  Everyone looked at me like I was a hero.  Always watching me.  Always expecting me to be the best.

My life was perfect.

 _Who the hell was I kidding_?

The pen in my hand snapped.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get rid of it.  That dark feeling in my chest.  Like I didn't belong, that behind all their cheers and praise that deep down everyone still looked at me like a monster.

I don't think I could ever get used to it, all the attention.  I craved it for so long, yet...

I groaned.  I hated being alone.  It made me think too much.  I pushed myself away from my desk and looked out the large window behind me.  The village had grown massively ever since peace came between the great shinobi nations.  We were prosperous, leaders of the new world right along with Suna.  My friendship with Gaara would ensure it stayed that way.

Gaara.

Why did I keep thinking about him today?  I watched as the children in the street below played with a ball, kicking it around back and forth between all of them.

I felt it returning, that unexplainable darkness that always crept up in the deep corners of my mind.  With my left hand I crossed my fingers and summoned a clone.  "Hey!"

My copy waved with a big grin on his handsome face.  He looked around.  "Uh, say, what happened to Shikamaru anyway?"

"Eh, he said something about getting files for the squad he thinks will be best for that granny's mission in two days."

He gave a lopsided frown.  "Oi, what made him such a workaholic, eh?"

I raised my arms in an over exaggerated shrug.  "He started that before I got in here, who knows?"

My other me giggled a bit.  "Say, how about a nice arm wrestling match while we wait?  You got through your paperwork already." He pointed at the remarkable empty desk in the room.

He was right, I somehow had managed to finish everything.  That was new.  I smiled while I brought my eyebrows down at the challenge.  "You're on!"

Next thing I knew I stood across from the handsome offender, elbows on the desk, bandaged hand to bandaged hand.

It was an amazing battle, minutes passed as each of us gained and lost ground.  My arm flexed beneath my bandages as I worked to bring the offender down.  A small groan left my throat as I advanced on my target.  I smirked as a light scoff left my throat.

"You never cease to amaze me Naruto." The bored sounding voice of Shikamaru sounded from the door and caught my target off guard, allowing me to slam his hand into the desk.  I stood back with my arms up.

"The best Naruto wins again!" With that my clone popped and I was once again in the room alone with my advisor.  "Hey! Shikamaru!"

He stared at me incredulously.  "I was only gone a half hour."  He walked up to my desk and flopped down the files he was working on.  "Moments like these remind me why we all called you the knucklehead ninja."

I raised a single finger, "Number one knucklehead ninja." I corrected and flashed him my biggest grin with a small laugh.

He rolled his eyes.  "Whatever." He waved his hand dismissing the matter.  "Here are the candidates for the mission in two days."

I sat back down in my chair and opened the file.  I frowned.  "Eh?"  Team Konohamaru was the only team with papers in the file.  "Why make it seem like a choice when you have already decided?"  I closed the file and waved it at him.

He shrugged.  "Habit."

I leaned back in my chair.  Well, I would see my son for a day.  For part of a day.  Long enough to argue over his assigned mission anyway.

I sighed.  "I remember when I was like that.  Arguing over what what missions I thought were good enough for me."

"Hmm?"  He stared at me a moment before working out my internal dialogue.  "I hate to say, but you are still like that.  You just stay weird behind closed doors most the time now, knucklehead."  A sideways smile adorned his face and I smiled back at him.

I never would have pegged Shikamaru to be one of my best friends when I was younger.  Sure, I always liked the guy, but I never thought we would end up close or anything.

I cleared my throat as a dull ache formed in my heart as memories threatened to come.  "Is there any other matters to attend to?"

"Just a few more papers for you to go through that came in today.  If you get it done tonight, tomorrow you can spend your day getting ready for your trip."

I felt the corners of my lips raise to that.  "Yeah.  That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

I refused to look up.  We both knew I wasn't the type of person that would just spend a day planning a trip.  I'm hopeless.

°-°-°-°-°-°

When I finished with my last stack of paperwork, I noticed that it had grown dark outside.  I probably should have been back home by now.  I pushed myself away from my desk, standing slowly.  My back ached just a bit from being slumped over my desk for so long and I stretched just a bit.  The past few hours worth of memories flooded back to me as my clones finished all their respective tasks throughout the village.  That alone was tiring, the phantom aches and pains they all got from whatever it was they were doing.  I headed out of the office, down the hall until I reached the main door. 

My hand paused just over the handle. 

Home. 

I pursed my lips and retracted my hand before crossing my fingers and summoning a clone.  He gave me a smile and headed out the door, towards my house.   I stared at the door a moment before locking it and heading downstairs. 

I couldn't go. I felt numb as my steps echoed in the empty halls.

Deep inside the Hokage tower was a small apartment that reminded me of where I used to live when I was younger.  A tiny kitchen on one wall with a cot on the other with a small bathroom and a shower.  I had been surprised to find it there when I took up the position, but then realized how useful it was.  I utilized it, probably far more often than I should have.

I tossed my Hokage robes and hat on the coat hanger next to the door and pulled my night clothes from the small dresser next to the bed.  I couldn't go home tonight again.  I couldn't ever pinpoint the reason, but sometimes, I just couldn't do it.  So I sent a copy of myself instead.  Unfortunately, I got caught half the time when they popped before morning.  Or when...  

I sighed and headed into the bathroom, quickly washed and looked at myself in the mirror.  Alone, the smile and laughter that I so often hid behind was gone.  Here, I could be free from expectations and delusions of grandeur.  _Happy_.  I wasn't sure if that was even fully possible for me. 

I took a deep breath and smirked, trying to lighten up my mood.  What had Hinata said that morning?  Had she implied... I crossed my fingers in front of my chest, and with just the right amount of chakra I transformed.  Staring at me from the mirror was my own sexy jutsu I worked so hard on perfecting.    "So, if I were really a girl Hinata?  Is that what you were asking?" I tightened my throat, forcing my voice higher,  "Why, I'd always pick you."  I laughed at myself, thinking that I should have responded to her that way.  Yet, like always, I messed up again.  I really wasn't good at all this stuff.

I looked at myself a while longer.  Yes, I definitely would have made an amazing woman.  I was sure of it.  Maybe if I had been born a girl, they would have been a little easier on me.  Though, somehow I doubted it.  I raised my hand up to my chest only for it to fall through the transformation some.  Ah well.  Not like I would care about feeling myself up anyway.

I frowned.  I wonder why Hinata asked such an odd question anyway.  I only had that nightmare about Gaara. 

Gaara.  Did she actually imply that she thought I would have chosen to be with him?

I paled as images in my head flooded through, me in this form, pushed up against a wall, pinned by the rock hard sand that he covered himself in.

Whoa. _Get a grip_.  My mouth felt dry and I tried to swallow.

Where did that come from?  "Naruto, you've gotten weird. Tch." I popped back into my regular self, pulled on my night cap and crawled into the small cot at the end of the windowless room.  The errant thought returned and I tried to ignore the odd knot in my stomach that resulted from it.  I pushed it back out of my mind.  "Heh, I wish."  My words were laced with sarcasm.

It didn't matter.  A sudden heat filled my chest, burning it like it had this morning and I found myself tearing at the cloth there with my hands until I was sure there was no real burn.  Nothing.

I breathed a sigh of relief, but only for a moment.

My eyes widened.  Wait... What did I just wish for exactly?

 


	3. An Untimely Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara arrives to Konoha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Two chapters in one day! I actually have written up to chapter six, but I'm doing a basic proof read on them. 
> 
> Gaara is one of those characters I am finding that I love to write. It would seem that I have a thing for depressing, deep characters as my other favorite to write in fan stories is Snape from the Harry potter universe. 
> 
> But enough about that, I hope you enjoy my take on everyone's favorite Kazekage :D

**Gaara**

  
I kept moving forward, my arms out behind me as I raced through the trees.  The sooner I arrived, the sooner I seen Tamari and my nephew.  I wouldn't be able to visit long.  I never really could stay long, but I tried to come as often as my schedule allowed.  It was important to maintain both political and personal ties.

Before long, the gates of Konoha appeared and I slowed my pace, bringing myself into a walk as I approached.  My visit had been unannounced and it was best not to appear to be rushing the place.  Even now, after so many years of peace, the sudden arrival of a Kage would put people's nerves on edge.

I quietly walked into the gates, Kankuro and Junji following just behind.  I paid no attention to what the pair behind me did as I nodded a greeting to the stammering pair manning the gate into Konoha.  "Just passing through to see Temari ."  It was the easiest explanation and thankfully nobody ever questioned it.  Though, most of my visits to this place did include her, so it wasn't a complete lie every time I mentioned it.

My gaze had already left them before they could respond, and to be honest I really didn't care for the formalities that they would no doubt try to comply to.  Chatter sounded behind me from my obligatory escorts as I made my way towards the Nara complex where Temari would likely be.  She didn't take as many missions since she became a mother.  Something about motherhood being its own type of mission and I found the excuse annoying. 

It was not long before I reached her door and unlocked it with my sand from under the door.  It pushed open with ease and I stepped inside.

"Can't you ever knock?  I'm sure they don't like people just barging in unannounced.  In fact, I'm positive." Kankuro sounded irritated, his voice low. 

"Then they should seal their door."  If it weren't so easy for me to open it, I might actually knock.  Maybe.  I did enjoy the occasional challenge, and sand could easily squeeze through many things.

Kankuro groaned from behind me as I took a seat at the table and reached out for the kettle on the fourth shelf of their cupboard, moved it to the faucet, turned it on and filled it until I could feel it reach the spot where I left a marker in the sand holding it up.  "How do you even remember where things are? We haven't been here in months." He seemed to resign himself to the fact I was going to do as I pleased and sat down across from me, followed by the hesitant boy that he had deemed worthy of being part of my entourage.

I decided not to answer him and placed the kettle on the stove after crossing my arms and focusing my gaze on him.  I turned on the burner and retracted my sand into the small gourd that hung loosely at my hip.  "We shall wait for Temari here."

It was obvious that was what I had intended, but I meant the statement more to convey that I really was in no mood to talk.  I sat silently, adjusting my eyes to look out the nearby window to look at the greenery.  In this matter, I was a bit jealous.  To be able to cultivate such a large garden without the need of special preparations for the soil and green houses would be rather nice.  I would be able to grow something besides my cacti. 

It was over an hour later that, while I brewed a second pot of tea, the silence I created for myself was broken.  I set my tea down and looked at the shinobi at the door.  A lopsided frown and wrinkled brow revealed that he was irritated.  Or annoyed.  Confused?  I really wasn't good at reading people.  His hands were in his pockets, but that wasn't really out of character.

"Gaara, what a surprise."  His voice sounded bored, like usual. 

"Shikamaru."

"I don't recall the Hokage mentioning you were coming by." He looked at the stove and pointed at the kettle.

"He wouldn't have known.  My last meeting ended earlier than expected."  I didn't need to elaborate from there.  At least my sister married someone with a bit of intelligence.  I sent my sand over and poured my brother in law some tea and set it on the table.

He sat down with a sigh.  "Troublesome." The man frowned,   "Naruto will no doubt want to see you when he gets word, if he doesn't know already.  I wouldn't doubt there is a clone on their way here as I speak."

I looked into my tea, watching the little ripples that disturbed the surface of the liquid.  Yes, I would be seeing _him_ soon. 

"He does get a bit... Rambunctious."  I spoke into my tea, having the sudden urge to leave.  His clones tended to be a bit more energetic than he was of late, and I rather disliked being around them.  "I think I shall take a walk."  I stood after setting down my tea and walked towards the door.  I heard chairs scraping against the floor and with a twitch of my hand I grabbed the feet of my brother and his assistant.  I didn't bother looking over my shoulder.

"I can handle walking on my own." I had put much more acid into my tone than I had intended and I flinched a bit after the words escaped my lips.  I decided to move on and heard Kankuro mutter under his breath that it was better just to let me go.

I walked through the Nara compound, silently looking at all the plants.  So much life surrounded me, calming me.  I idly remembered how annoyed I had been by it the very first time I had come to this place.  My steps faltered a moment, then I stopped.  I took a flower from a nearby plant in my hand and looked at it, looked through it.  The only reason I had come back then, was due to the promise that I could kill the entire village if I so desired.  Imagine, all the blood I could have fed mother...

A cold shiver ran down my spine.  Similar thoughts still plagued me, a need to kill something.  The reason why I would never bring myself to fully retire though I still disliked having those urges.

If it hadn't been for _him_...

A large knot formed in my stomach and I forced myself forward.  It didn't do to dwell upon such thoughts.  Without thought I found myself in the back yard of another Nara household.

I froze.  Did I want to see her?  Before I could change my mind a small child ran out of the house and grabbed onto me.  "Kazekage man!"

It didn't look like I had a choice now.  Footsteps came closer and I looked up to their source.  Long, beautiful black hair, kind eyes and a soft smile.  "Hakuto."

"Gaara."

"You are well?"  My throat went dry and I resisted the urge to swallow.  Even after all this time, she was quite beautiful.  I didn't want to let on that I was still a bit disappointed she had not wanted to marry me.

She nodded.  "He will be enrolling in the academy soon." 

I looked down to the dark haired boy clinging to me.  He looked up at me, excited.  "Can you clean my sandbox?"

I nodded and allowed the small child to drag me to the boxed in sand that I had made for him a few years ago.  I knelt down next to it and placed my hand to the muddied sand inside.  "You have taken good care of it."

The boy pouted and gave a nod.  "Stuff keeps getting in though."

"I see."  I felt down into the sand and shoved it all outside the box, scooped some aside and used it to shovel out the leftover debris.  The boy watched in wonder as the sand flew around and I decided to have some fun with him.  I placed the sand, now free of debris, back into the box, but then created a small boy out of it, roughly half his size.  I made the form wave at him, skip about the box a few times and when I was rewarded with some giggling I put the sand down, smoothing it out until it looked like new.

"Thank you!" He ran forward and plopped down into the sand and began to play.

"How is Shinki?"

I tensed a moment and looked over to her.  "Fine.  He gets angry at me for not giving him larger assignments."

"Not ready?" A smile played at her lips.

"Not yet.  He is headstrong and I prefer that I can be sure that he will return safe."  I knew she had referred to me in her question.

"I hope you know, I still think that you are a kind man."

My eyes widened at her statement and I looked away.  It wasn't the first time she brought that up, it likely wouldn't the last.  I still disliked hearing it.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was almost a whisper.

I still couldn't bring myself to look at her, afraid I would somehow reveal some kind of emotion on my face that I did not want to deal with.  "You have nothing to be sorry about, Hakuto."

She hummed in response.

We sat in silence for a while, watching the boy play.  I had never asked for his name, I honestly didn't care.  If things had gone differently for me, if this woman had decided to marry me instead, this boy could have been my son. 

Such things were pointless to think about.  Natural children and a wife were simply not in the cards for me.  I was lucky enough to even have friends, let alone my son.  Personal connections.  The concept still felt foreign to me.

After a while there was a rustling in the trees behind me.  "Oi, Gaara! You are here!"

I sighed at the overjoyed sounding voice of my closest friend.  Shikamaru had been correct. 

I didn't bother looking up as I heard the distinctive sound of sandals moving on wood and without moving I shot my sand upwards behind me, hardening it into a sharp needle and piercing it through his middle.

Hakuno gave a muffled whimper when the man behind me groaned from my sand impaling him.  The familiar sound of a dispelled clone soon followed and I stood, pushing the sand away from my body and adding it back into the gourd with the rest.  "I should go."  I wasn't in the mood to deal with clones.

I paid no heed to the protests of the woman and child and headed slowly towards the Hokage tower where I knew I would find Naruto.

 

 


	4. Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara meets with Naruto after his arrival in Konaha

**Gaara**

I entered the Hokage tower and was shouldered by a young boy the moment I opened the door.  I looked down to a mass of familiar looking yellow hair.  "Boruto?"

The boy looked up at me a moment, his face scrunched in agitation and his lip slightly out.  He gave a bit of a guttural 'hmph' followed with, "Hey Uncle Gaara." His voice was a bit low, resigned.

I didn't have time to respond because he pushed past, placed his hand on the rail next to the stairs and jumped off.  I tilted my head in his direction, wondering why the boy was upset.  Not that it mattered, if he was anything like Shinki, it was probably about a mission he didn't want.

I followed the corridor and found the door to the Hokage's office open and I quietly stepped inside.  The one place I knew the real Naruto would be.  If he wanted to see me, he was actually going to look at me with his own eyes, and speak to me with his own mouth, so help me.

Especially since he was half the reason I pushed myself to arrive here so quickly.  A reason that I never would fully admit to had I ever been asked.  I found my target at his desk, leaning his head into his hands.  I leaned back just slightly, folding my arms in front of me.  "Disagreement with your son, Naruto?"  I studied him as he flinched and lifted his head and regarded me with wide, very blue eyes.  Tired eyes, I noted, with the circles that surrounded them.  I narrowed my eyes.  He didn't look well.

"Gaara!" A bright flash of a smile graced his features as he stood.  For a brief moment I noticed his smile falter before it was replaced by one of his goofy looking grins.  His hand went to the back of his head and a nervous giggle sounded.

I simply stood there, watching him.  Any moment he would remember that I murdered his clone, in front of others no less.  I waited.

Sure enough, just as it looked like he was about to ask me something I seen his eyes widen slightly and he dropped his arm, his smile falling into a frown that looked more closely to a pout on his still boyish looking face.  My arms tightened across my chest.  He was unpredictable in how he reacted when I did such things.

"You killed me, Gaara." He slumped into his chair, looking rather dejected.

I raised my left brow at him.  Well, that was unexpected.  I expected him to yell or whine.  Maybe even attack me somehow.  But this?  He looked... Sad?  "Only you could mourn the loss of a clone." Maybe I had been correct in my assumption he hadn't felt well.

"Oi, it's the idea of it Gaara, that you would kill me so readily.  What if it had been me?" He leaned back in his chair, his lip out.

I stared at him for a moment.  Maybe he had a point.  I had been a bit hasty in my decision that he had been a clone.  I sighed, letting my face relax once more.  "Then I would personally have carried you to the infirmary."

I watched blankly as his bandaged hand twitched, his lips parted just slightly as a slight blush crept into his cheeks.  A knot formed in my stomach and I looked away.  What exactly had he thought of just then?  I felt a muscle in my jaw twitch as I fought the odd feeling in my stomach. 

I shouldn't mess with him like that, but I couldn't help myself at times.  It was a rare occurrence that I could make him nervous and secretly loved when he faltered around me.  Normally he seemed so confident and it was strangely reassuring that he had his moments of uncertainty.

I watched as his tongue wetted his lips and decided to break the silence.  "Besides, you haven't greeted me personally since you became Hokage."  I unfolded my arms, secure in the fact that he wouldn't attack me for my earlier injustice to his clone.  "It pains me." I had meant the words in jest, but my voice didn't lift the way I had meant, and realized that the words were more true than I cared for them to be.  I groaned at myself and sat in the chair across from him, pushing the back of my long coat apart so that it draped on either side of the chair.

"Sorry, Gaara."  His voice was soft, low.

I noticed that his face had fallen, a seldom seen shadow creeping over him.  I frowned.  That had definitely not been my intention.  There was something about his disgusting cheerfulness that always lighted my mood.  I should be more careful about pulling him into my own personal abyss.

"There is nothing to apologize for."

He looked at me a moment and I watched as bit by bit he reconstructed his carefully placed mask, his lips twitching upward and he leaned back into his chair.  Before long his sunny disposition returned and he took a breath.  "So, what brings you to Konoha anyway?  Temari?"

"You." I kept my gaze level, watching him with unblinking eyes.

That odd little blush returned to his cheeks.  "M-me?"

How strange.  "Yes.  I had a meeting not too far from here.  I thought that since my next meeting is due in Suna, and that a certain Hokage is also due in at that meeting, that perhaps it would be wise to travel with said Hokage."  I waved my hand in dismissal, "Temari is just a bonus.  Sort of..." I trailed off, trying to think of a acronym.  "Sort of like killing two ninjas with a single dagger." I inwardly cringed at the comparison.  Always bringing up killing people.  I found it completely amazing that people had ever come to trust me.

He gave a nervous laugh.  "Yeah, something like that."  He leaned forward, his arms resting on the desk.  "Hey, when will you be headed out?  I planned on leaving in the morning with my advisor anyway."

"Morning sounds fine.  I'm staying with Shikamaru anyway."  I tried not to sound excited.  He was one of the few people that could tell when I was and I really didn't want to admit that I just wanted to carve out some time to spend with the person I had come to view as my closest friend.  It was pathetic really. 

"That's great!"  He flashed me another big smile when a familiar sigh sounded from behind me.  Naruto shifted his eyes from me to the person behind me.

"You both make my life difficult, you know that?"  I heard the droll of Shikamaru's voice sound from behind me.  "When Temari came home and seen Kankuro, she went a bit nuts when she discovered that you were here but wandered off like that."

I stood then and raised my hand to him for our usual handshake. "Tomorrow then?"

"No!" He stood, looking serious. 

My eyes widened in shock.  I frowned and lowered my hand.  Had he already changed his mind?  "I'm sorry?" I wanted clarification.

His eyes widened.  "Oh!  Sorry Gaara, it's..." He took a deep breath,  "Come to my place tonight? I will have Hinata make us an amazing dinner!  She is amazing, you know."  He looked behind my shoulder, "You guys come too!  Make it a farewell dinner."

I have him a slow nod.  "I think I would like that."

He extended his left arm to me, his hand open.  "It's a bit backwards, but I really don't know if it's personal enough to use my other arm for this, since we're friends and-"

"You talk too much, Naruto."  I grabbed his hand and did a small shake.  There was a strange tingling that gathered in my palm at the touch and I flinched.  I took my hand back and shook it a little.  "Static."  I usually couldn't feel such things through my sand shield.  Strange.

His expression got a little weird, something I don't ever recall seeing on his face before.  "Yeah, static."  He sounded off, a little distracted.  I wondered what he was thinking.  Something was bothering him today and I had no idea what.  I wanted to ask, but we really weren't _that_ close.  Not close enough to pry into the others personal life unless it was volunteered by the other.  "What time?"

"Uh, six?  We should head out early so." He left the word as though it was meant to end his sentence.

An annoyed groan sounded from behind me.  "Can we get going? Temari is gonna kill me."

"Six then." I turned from him and shook my hand again.  That strange tingle had begun to spread.


	5. An Unknown Sickness

**Naruto**

I groaned once I was sure I was alone.  My entire body ached and my stomach felt like it would release any of its contents at any moment.  What the hell?

I was perfectly fine until about five minutes before Gaara showed up.  I breathed deeply through my nose. 

I gripped the edge of my desk and closed my eyes.  _Pass, come on pass._   Had I really just demanded that he come over to dinner?  That was swift.  Maybe I could throw up on him more conveniently that way.  I chuckled in spite of the situation.  Imagine the look on his porcelain face if I did such a thing.  He would widen his eyes at me just so, frown a little, then smush me in his sand for daring to ruin his stuffy coat.

I gasped for breath at that exact moment in my thoughts as a seering pain enveloped my entire body.  I lost my entire train of thought and heard a strange sound coming from my own throat.  My body convulsed and the pain passed.  I opened my eyes as I caught my breath, noticing that the strange sickness I had felt earlier was also gone.

I was also on the floor.  Damn.  I felt shaky as I peeled myself back up to my feet and steadied myself on the desk.  Screw it, maybe I had been working too hard after all.  I took off my Hokage robes and hung them up in the office.  I would go tell Hinata myself about dinner.

°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°

Hinata quietly had gone to work in the proportions of dinner with her soft spoken agreement.  She was amazing.  I knew it bothered her that I hadn't been home last night.  She never brought up my absences, and I knew that she knew I wasn't there.  I had woken with the knowledge that my clone had dispelled during their goodnight kiss.  Smooth.

She deserved so much more.  I found myself lounging on the couch, looking at my family photos.  I was smiling in all of them, proud of my wife, my children.  My salvation.  My burden. 

I traced my fingers along the cool glass.  They were beautiful.  All of them.  It amazed me how much of a combination they were between us, Hinata and I.  They both sported my whisker birthmark and my eyes.  But both resembled her as well, especially my sweet little Himawari.  I hugged the photo to my chest. 

What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I be a better husband?  A better father?

That stupid woman and her stupid question.  Was I happy?  I should be, with everything I accomplished.  Hokage, my sweet family.  I looked down at them again.  I should be happy.

I was happy.  Those moments these photos were taken.  The day I married Hinata I had been so happy I could have jumped out of my own skin.  Buruto's birth had been nerve-wracking but also one if the best days of my entire life, same as for Himawari.  They were everything to me. 

I heard the door open and I jumped just a little, put the picture back and rushed to help Hinata.

"Thank you Naruto." She smiled her dazzling smile at me and I returned it.

"I couldn't let you carry it all by yourself now, could I? Eh." I gave my nervous little laugh as I took a couple of the grocery sacks from her.

"I am going to make soup tonight." She dodged my question, "I will have to start it right away.  Would you help me?"

"Yeah, I can help."  I set down the bags and began to unload them.  I wrinkled my nose when I seen the contents.  "Gizzards and tongue?  What kind of soup are you planning on, hmm?"

"Gizzards with dumplings, and fried tongue.  Isn't that Lord Kazekage's favorites?"

"Eh, Gaara?" I eyed the meats and sighed.  "Yeah, maybe.  I don't really remember."

"Well," she paused, "I think you mentioned it a while back a few times.  Since he is our esteemed guest, it would be nice to make something that he would enjoy."  She began taking out a large pan. 

"I guess." I frowned down at the meat.  If anybody could turn this stuff edible, it would be Hinata.

"Now then, help me clean these." She scooted me a package of gizzards.

"Eee." I made a face.

"Naruto."

I looked up at my barely noticeably irritated wife and smiled.  It was better to comply.  Even my sweet Hinata could be scary if she wanted to be.

°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°

Hinata had been very chipper throughout the cooking process.  It had been about four hours of smiles and chatter between us.  She seemed excited.  Probably because I was home.  I frowned and waved the thought away.  Come on now, Naruto, tonight would be an amazing meal!  Your wife and kids will be there, along with some friends and Gaara.

I felt my cheeks grow hot.  Gaara was coming over.  That porcelain doll of a Kazekage was coming over to taste my wife's cooking.  I really hoped he could at least attempt a tiny smile to make her happy.

I really hoped I could get that stupid wish out of my head.  I kept thinking about it while he had been in my office.  In spite of feeling like I had crawled out of a grave.

I'm so weird.

"I'm gonna go change, Hinata."  I really didn't need to, but for some reason I felt nervous.  Probably because I never really had much _actual_ time with said Kazekage.  When we were younger, time spent was either beating each other into a pulp or trying to rescue each other.  I pushed aside the image that flashed into my mind of Gaara lying dead on the ground.  He was definitely better at protecting than I was.  If it hadn't been for granny back then...

I fought the cold shiver that found its way to my spine.

If it hadn't been for Gaara, I would likely be dead right now.  I don't even think I ever had actually thanked the guy for it.  I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes.

I felt light headed and I fought for breath.  My stomach lurched and I fell to my knees.  That sickness again from earlier.  A dull ache slowly spread through my body and I forced myself to my feet.

I forced myself to take a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror.  _You can do this.  You've been through worse than a mysterious illness_.  I put on my best smile and forced myself to stand up straight.  After all these years, I had made myself into a pretty good actor.  Tonight would be no different. 

Especially since I practically begged Gaara to come.

As long as I could manage not to lose my dinner.

"Naruto!  Your guests are here!"

I looked at the time.  Almost five minutes since my sickness started.  I couldn't help but think there might be some kind of significance to that as I took another breath. 

My stomach lurched again.  _Damn it._

It took a while, but after I was certain that I could hide how ill I felt, I headed out.  I had obviously spent more time prepping myself than I had thought because when I entered the room I was greeted by a full table of guests.  None of the kids were there except for Boruto, and Temari, Shikamaru and Kankuro had accompanied Gaara.  I put my hand up to my head and gave my nervous laugh.  "Heh, sorry. Tsch."

"Nice of you to decide to finally join us." His voice came through acidic in spite of his usual monotone.  There was a slight downturn at the corner of his lips and his brow line down just enough to reveal his annoyance with me.  

"Yeah, sorry." I repeated myself and sat down next to Hinata.  Everyone stared at me as I did.  "How embarrassing."  Dinner had already been placed and it seemed that everyone had been waiting on me.  I looked down at the food and immediately felt the lurch in my stomach return.  This was going to be a long night.

Everyone began eating and chatting while I sat staring at my bowl.  It smelled both delicious and nauseating.  _Man, this sucks_.  I slowly looked up at the others while I looked at the food in front of me.  At least I wasn't the only one not eating, Boruto was poking at the fried tongue with an angry looking frown on his face.  Still mad from earlier.  Not that I blamed him.  An annoyingly long escort mission was dull for any shinobi.

"Is it to your liking, Lord Kazekage?" Hinata's soft voice carried over the table, making everyone quiet there conversations. 

Gaara's eyes looked up at her and he blinked.  "Oh, yes, Lady Hinata, it is pleasing to me."  He almost looked surprised at her question. 

I smiled wide, "Oi, Gaara, you should be honored.  She went out of her way to cater a meal just for you!  Hehe."

"Naruto..." Hinata's face turned bright red and she stared wide eyed into her soup.

I giggled at her embarrassment.  I loved messing with her like that, she was just as weird as when we were young.

"Thank you, you didn't need to go to such trouble."  Gaara's face was decidedly blank, but his eyes were soft.  Good, an honest compliment.  I returned my gaze to my untouched soup.  _What I wouldn't give to feel human right now_...

She looked up again, her blush fading.  "It's no trouble, it's because," she paused, her voice growing weaker as she spoke, "you're a special friend of Naruto, so..." She trailed off.

I felt eyes on me, and I looked up and met his eyes, brilliant piercing green eyes that could easily strip a person of their soul.  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as his eyes bored a hole into me, his face expertly trained into an emotionless mask, the soft look he had given Hinata gone.  I couldn't help but wonder what he thought when he was like that.  I looked down at the inedible delicacy before me.

"Not hungry?" He spoke.  "Your wife made a delicious meal, you should at least try it."  With that he took a small slice of fried tongue and smoothly brought it to his lips.  How did he manage to even eat that eloquently anyway?

I felt more eyes on me and was buried in a barrage of questions as everyone realized I hadn't actually eaten anything.

"Not feeling well?" Worry stained Hinata's voice and my stomach ached as I realized I would have to eat something.  _Great_.

I took a piece of tongue and popped it into my mouth and regretted the motion immediately.  My insides churned violently, but I made sure the contents of my stomach remained where they were.  I forced myself to swallow and continue eating, focusing so hard on the action that I completely tuned out everything else.  I felt my hand shake just slightly and I focused all my energy to hide it.

Bite.  Chew.  Swallow.  _I can do this_.

"Naruto!" 

I jerked as a hand firmly grabbed my shoulder.  "Dang, you're just as easy to talk to as my lazy husband." I looked up to an irritated looking Temari.  "You sure you're not sick or something?"

I blinked a few times as I freed myself from my 'don't get sick' daze.  "Nah, I'm fine." _Liar_.

She sighed.  "If you say so, but, you never even noticed everyone was leaving."  She pointed over to where Gaara had been and I felt my mouth get dry.

"He left already?"  A dull ache formed in my chest at the realization.  A rare get together with my dearest friend, wasted.

"Swift.  He's been gone for about three minutes." She eyed me as Hinata reached over to check my forehead.  "Maybe you should get some rest."

"Yes, I agree.  You have your trip in the morning." Hinata removed her hand from my forehead.

"Yeah, maybe your right."  I stood, "Thank you for coming."

"Eh, whatever." Shikamaru came up and stood next to Temari.  "I need to get a good night's sleep too, so let's go Temari."

Everything else blurred.  Darkness crept into my vision as pain ripped through my body, and I idly noted feeling the floor rush up to greet me.

 

°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°

 

What the hell.  Man, my head hurt.  I sat up slowly in bed as my alarm went off.  To my surprise Hinata turned it off.  "Good morning Naruto."

"Morning...?"  I rubbed at my eyes and noticed that it was daylight.

"You passed out last night.  Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."  I wasn't lying about it this time.  Other than feeling like I had a hangover, I actually felt pretty good. 

"Ok, um," she sat down on the bed next to me, "please, take some time to relax in Suna?"

"Heck, Hinata," I brushed just above my mouth with my knuckle, "you know I plan to."

"Promise me." Her brows furrowed just a little in worry as she grabbed my arm and squeezed.

She knew me too well.  I sighed.  "Ok, I promise.  Stop with all the mushy stuff already."

"Oh Naruto." She fell forward and wrapped her arms around me.

I felt a small smile creep onto my lips and I wrapped one of my arms around her in return, leaving the other to hold me upright.  "Don't worry so much, ok?"

She answered by squeezing me.

It didn't take me long to get myself ready to go, I never really traveled with much.  Hinata did send me with plenty of leftovers.  More than was probably needed for the trip.  Somehow I missed Gaara asking her for some before he left.

I arrived at the gate first with Shikamaru and set down the large package of food.  Not long after my stomach began to knot, followed by an ache that slowly spread through my body.  "Again?"

"Naruto?" Shikamaru eyed me suspiciously.

I flashed him a big grin.  "Nothing, Shikamaru, I'm fine."

"Oh sure.  I lost half a night's sleep with you passing out last night.  Had to drag you into bed, I mean honestly."

"Sorry about that."

He tucked his hands into his pockets.  "Just don't do it again, ok?"

I nodded and felt the sickness spread, forcing me to focus on masking it.  It really wasn't a good time for this. 

Roughly five minutes after it started, Gaara and his two body guards showed.

I felt the blood ebb out of my face as I made the connection.  _**Gaara**_.


	6. Losing Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara gets side effects from the wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Just wanted to thank you all again for continuing to read this. I may end up changing this to explicit, as I'm not sure yet how detailed I want to get with the scenes coming in a few chapters. Chapter 7 is complete as well, just need to go over it for errors, and am currently on chapter 8.

 

**Gaara**

I arrived at the gate a bit late. Kankuro had been a bit cranky after staying up half the night babbling to Temari and complaining about Naruto. He decided that it was unimportant to arrive timely for our departure. To say I was annoyed was an understatement.

It also annoyed me that for the life of me, I couldn't seem to think straight. It almost felt like I had been drugged, and it had felt that way since yesterday after I had seen Naruto at the Hokage's office.

I wanted to crush something. Maybe we would get ambushed on the way to Suna and I could vent my frustrations out on an unsuspecting ninja. To feel the way that their bones would grind down into my sand, their blood drenching it, making it seem alive for just that simple moment in their death. It was exhilarating.

I shouldn't think this way. Killing people is wrong, especially when in the presence of Naruto, my so called savior. Damn him.

I forced myself to try and clear my head and watched said savior. He had that same odd expression from yesterday, and he looked just a little bit ill. Wait, didn't Temari say that he fainted last night?

I felt my annoyance dissipate a little as I studied him. No, he didn't look well at all. His golden skin was a bit paler than normal and though he wore his trademark smile, he was hardly moving away from the wall he was leaned up against. After a minute or two of me studying him he looked up and caught me.

I continued my stare knowing that it bothered him and he looked away, the faintest color of red adorning his cheeks.

I still shouldn't mess with him like that but I couldn't seem to help it though. Kankuro and Temari got used to me a long while ago and Shinki never really was bothered by it. The benefits of being raised by me I guess. An eternal tolerance and understanding of my apathetic features.

A hand settled on my shoulder and I immediately brush it off of me. I move my gaze to the offender.

Kankuro looked bored. "Come on Gaara, wake up. Let's go."

I sighed and moved over to Naruto, who still hadn't moved. "Are you certain you are fine to travel?"

His eyes widened for a second showing his surprise at my question before his usual smiling face returned to normal. He wasn't feeling well after all. He could fool them, but I could see that mask he wore. "Yeah, why do you ask?"

"No reason." If he felt like he could travel, I was not going to be the one to stop him. I had enough of his temper during the war to know not to push him unless it mattered. I felt a heaviness start in my chest at the memory. The very thought of losing him always brought that feeling. I wasn't very sure what that feeling was, but I didn't like it.

I noticed something near Naruto before I could dwell on that too long. I pointed at it, "Hinata?"

Naruto was correct in that his wife was an amazing woman. That meal last night was one of the best that had ever been presented to me.

I should have asked for the recipe.

"Hmm?" He looked down then smiled. "Yeah! She sent most of it along for you."

I reached out and picked the bundle up with my sand and buried it inside of my sand gourd. I shifted it a bit now that it was decidedly larger, but still not as heavy as if it were fully made of sand. Safe keeping. I was going to savor every bite of it.

I heard chuckles coming from a couple people in our party and darted ahead. It was rare I find a meal this satisfying and I didn't care to explain my actions. I certainly didn't want to hear their jokes about it. After all I hated being laughed at any more than I liked being feared.

Couldn't the world just find a nice middle ground for me?

"Lord Kazekage!" Footsteps sounded off behind me as I pushed my arms down behind me and ran. These people were used to me, I wouldn't slow down just for them. I cleared my mind and allowed the fog that had been plaguing me to settle in. I had not rested in a few days, perhaps it was time to give in to it.

I allowed my eyes to droop down until only a sliver of the area ahead was visible. I stretched my sand out thinly for a small radius around me, allowing the sand to guide my feet from any obstacles as my mind rested.

Silently I moved forward as the sand set into place, rotating around me like a thin shield, allowing me to feel the surrounding area without thought.

Yes, I was tired. I caved into my light slumber as we moved onward.

I flinched out of my rest as I felt something fly through my sand and I dodged to the left, narrowly missing whatever it was that attacked me. I brought my sand closer to me, condensing it, ready to strike.

"Calm down Gaara, it was just me." Kankuro.

I blinked the dryness from my eyes, the drawback of sleeping with my eyes open. "Kankuro?" I focused my eyes and seen the entire team standing there and watching me.

Kankuro laughed, elbowed Naruto with a half smile. "See, I told you he was sleeping. Anytime that tiny bit of floating sand starts circling him, it means he's out."

"Yeah, I've seen it. It's kinda weird of you ask me. Never even closes his eyes." Even my own brother in law dared to make fun of me.

I glared at them, willing great pain upon their bodies. All of them. Including that kid that I cannot remember the name of.

Naruto burst out laughing and I turned my glare to him. "Gaara! We couldn't help it, you've been out for more than a day." He pointed behind me. "We had to stop you."

I looked behind me to see what the big necessity was. My lips grew thin.

Oh that.

Not even one hundred yards from where I stood was the large cliff that led down to the desert. Slowly I processed the previous moment, did they say I slept for more than a day?

Maybe I _had_ been drugged. I never was out of it for that long.

"I'm sorry." I kept my voice low and kept my back to them, wanting my apology to be regarded as both apology and thanks.

I tensed as a hand came to my shoulder and lightly rested there. "Hey, we should get going. Since you led us this way, how about a lift?" I gave a nod to my brother and breathed through my nose. There was Kankuro, Naruto, Shikamaru and... The kid my brother hired. I forgot his name again. I looked over my shoulder at the boy. No matter, he would be easy enough to carry.

"Junji." The boy's voice was soft, almost hollow sounding. I think that is the first time he had ever actually spoken to me. He was staring at me, shifting his weight from one foot to another. How did he know what I was thinking? Perceptive child. Perhaps Kankuro picked a good one and could live longer than a couple of years in my employ. The corner of my lip twitched upwards.

I grabbed my gourd and started to unpack the sand, sending it forward to the cliff then below. As it reached the edge of the desert I felt an easy calm flow over me. Without need for thought I raised my arm, gathering enough of the grains to carry five grown men comfortably and pulled it back to me. It came in a swirling cloud up over the cliff. I decided to have some fun and encircled my companions with it. I turned and watched them as I put on a show that only I could perform. The sand weaved around them, swirling as it danced around the men before me. I ignored the sound of my name being yelled, continuing my play. Almost all of these people were precious to me, one perhaps more so than the others.

I moved my eyes to him and noticed the wide smile that graced his features. I had been able to make _him_ smile, while he was ill. A genuine smile. My lips deceived me and I felt the corners lift up just a bit.

Annoyed at the sudden display of my own emotions I turned back around, still holding what was left of the gourd to protect what Hinata had made me. I stopped my display and condensed it around them. I could feel their life through the sand as it circled around at the bottoms of their feet. _All at once_? Yes, that would be best.

I clenched my hand and the sand solidified under all of them individually. I raised my arm up, my hand still formed into a fist and they flew upwards, I focused on them, carefully joining them together onto a singular platform. When I felt they were secure, I dropped my arm. I leaned back just slightly and folded my arms tightly against my chest and used some of the remaining sand around me to lift me up to join them. Without a word I tilted the platform forward just enough so that the people I was transporting wouldn't easily fall off.

I moved us forward. The two leaf companions lost their balance as the platform lurched violently forward. The wind began to dislodge my carefully groomed hair as I dropped us off the cliff, ignoring the protests of the others. Moving quickly was the most logical maneuver, and with this many people it would drain my chakra more than I would be comfortable with if I had kept it going too long.

I wouldn't drop them, it was pointless to complain. Two thirds the way down I moved us forward again, evening out the platform. With much practiced control I slowed us down, tilting the platform back the other way so that once again my companions would not fly off and injure themselves.

I slowed us to a stop and brought us to the desert below. Once everyone was safely on the ground I filtered out my chakra laced sand from my gourd and fully reconstructed it, making sure that my special meal was once again secure before strapping the gourd back into place at my hip.

"Oi, Gaara!" I turned to look at my overly excitable friend, "That was awesome, man, I wish that-" he stammered a moment and the color drained from his face.

I tilted my head just a little, curious what was the matter with him. "Something wrong, Naruto?"

"Nah, it's nothing." His sheepish grin returned, but I could tell he still wasn't feeling well. Perhaps I should have been gentler with him.

I narrowed my eyes as I studied him a moment, but I couldn't decipher what could be wrong. Did he have the flu perhaps? I hoped he wasn't pushing himself too hard.

"Man, you should warn people. A little mention of being thrown off a cliff in a heap of sand would be nice before you just go and do it." Shikamaru stretched his back and gave a half groan, half sigh. "It's never a relaxing trip with any of you people, you know that?"

I frowned at him. "You would have preferred to climb down?" I watched him without expression as I tried to comprehend what he was saying. My head still was feeling a little fuzzy and the little exertion I had just done only served to heighten that fuzziness. Maybe I rested too long?

"Eh, nevermind. It's pointless."

Kankuro laughed and I looked at him with furrowed brows. Was I missing something?

"I followed the most logical route..." I trailed off, getting annoyed with myself. What was the big deal anyway?

Kankuro came up and knocked me in my shoulder, "Don't sweat it, he just isn't used to it." He laughed again and headed forward.

I frowned as the boy... I blanked again. What was his name again? A brief panic swept through me. _What was going on with me_? I watched them all pass by me until only Naruto stood next to me . I decided not to look at him as he stood silently next to me. I felt distracted, like something wasn't quite right.

I stilled myself, focusing on the sand. My relationship with sand far surpassed any that I had with people. I could understand it, feel at peace with it. This time, it was trying to tell me something. It was like feeling a whisper, an ever so light ticking sensation right around my rib-cage. I focused on that feeling. I forced myself to clear my mind, allowing the sand to tell me what it knew. It spoke to my senses like a spy, a rumor deep within the grains. _To the north, death is dealt by a monstrous roar, a wind without mention._

My eyes widened. Sand storm. A massive one.

"Hey, what's up Gaara?" The blonde haired man frowned at me.

 _A sandstorm is coming, we should wait._ "Oh, it is nothing. We should go, quickly." Why did I just say that? _We will be caught before we get there, we need to stay._

My stomach knotted as my body seemed to move forward of its own accord. _I need to stop! They could die! What is wrong with me? Stop..._

Stop!

My body didn't obey.

I felt my panic renew when I began to run forward, as quickly as my feet could take me. Would they be able to survive this? I had faith in Kankuro. Maybe he would be able to protect them. I growled at myself. I couldn't control my own body. There was something very, _ver_ y wrong with me.

"Oi! Gaara, wait up!" Naruto.

 _Get away from me, turn back._ I couldn't stop my feet from moving. Was this a trap? I could feel the sand storm moving towards us, it's mass speeding its way through the desert at an insane rate. Ten minutes.

They needed to turn back. I fought to use my voice the way I wanted. "Naruto..." My voice was strained as I tried to warn them. It was the only word I could manage. I started to feel sick.

I could hear my name being called behind me along with a few choice expletives. I continued to run, my heart racing. My precious people. I was leading my precious people into danger.

8 minutes. It would be an instant wall of ferocious blowing sand. They would be buried in minutes. Why couldn't I stop? They were getting too far behind me, even if I was to suddenly gain control it would be difficult to reach them in time.

6 minutes. Come on, I can fight this!

I tried to force my body to respond and all I managed was a pained whimper and a tremble. Nothing.

 _Damn_ it! Keep trying.

2 minutes.

"Gaara?" Naruto. He had thankfully kept pace with me and was only an arm length away. Maybe... Maybe I could at least protect him.

Please let me be able to control my body enough to protect him.

I felt helpless. I hated this feeling, I would cry if I was able to.

1 minute.

It began, the dull roar of the sandstorm fast approached. It was sickening, my stomach tied itself in knots, my chest tightened and my heart raced. I need...

I need to...

_Naruto would die._

I had no choice but to succeed. Keep trying. My body wouldn't move, but I could still feel my sand. Maybe... Maybe if I... I strained and seen just a little movement in the grains that moved past me.

_This is it._

I put everything into it as I worked to free myself from whatever had taken hold of me. It felt like my muscles would rip as I used my own sand on my own arm. I screamed, my voice cracked. I used the sand to shoot my hand out and grab desperately at the man next to me. Please...

_Please._

I fought through the pain of my forced movement and latched onto his wrist. I held on so tightly I was afraid it would break. I did it. I breathed a small sigh of relief knowing that I could save him.

I tried not to think of the fact that if it weren't for my lack of control he wouldn't have needed saving in the first place.

I felt the sand move to protect me as I yanked Naruto as close as possible, trying not to hear the yells and screams of my family and guard as the wall of sand approached.

In a deafening roar, it hit. Even with my shields in place I was pushed back from the sheer force of it. The movement seemed to finally break me of whatever spell I was under and gathered as much sand as possible for protection. I surrounded us in darkness as the sand staved off all outside light and I gripped my hand tighter around his wrist. I wouldn't let go.

"Shikamaru! Kankuro!" Naruto struggled against my grasp as he tried to go back for them.

I felt through the sand for an indication whether or not Kankuro was able to deploy his puppet in time. A lump formed in my throat. I couldn't feel them through this, it was too chaotic out there even for me. I also knew that the storm would last for a while, and my chakra wouldn't hold out that long. We had to move. "We have to go." I tried keeping my voice steady.

He turned on me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He yanked at his arm and I tightened my grip more. I was dangerously close to crushing his wrist.

It didn't matter, I had to keep him safe. "I believe in Kankuro, he has puppets that can withstand this. I however, cannot." I tried to be simple, blunt. If we stay, we die.

"We can't just leave them!" I could feel his panic, his body temperature rising, his pulse racing. His hitched breath.

I did not need to see his worry. "We have no choice." I pulled a little on his arm, trying to remind him that we needed to move.

"But-"

"They will be _fine_ Naruto. I cannot find them now. If we look, we die. We must trust in them."

He faltered, his voice sounded without true words forming. I tried again, and this time I felt no resistance. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding and headed... Straight? I couldn't even tell the direction anymore, the sand was so thick. I moved the barrier with us, effectively securing a shield through the storm.

Naruto followed me silently and I was sure his thoughts were in the same place as mine.

_**Kankuro, please, keep them safe.** _


	7. Finding Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara drags Naruto to safety.

**Naruto**

His hand was painfully embedded into my wrist. His skin was hard, almost cool. Dead feeling. I concentrated on his footsteps, his breathing. It helped the sick feeling in my stomach to concentrate on him. He was alive, running ahead of me. Alive.

Hopefully the others were alive as well. How did we get caught by such a massive sand storm? Didn't he feel it? Inside his cocoon I could see nothing, but then I wouldn't have been able to tell much by looking at him anyway. We had been running for a while now, who knew how far away the others were from us by now.

I tried harder to ignore my nausea. At least my sickness seemed to ebb a little the longer Gaara touched me.

I felt heat rise in my cheeks. He was touching me. Not just the awkward handshake he always insists on, but a firm holding of my wrist. A crushing, stone like hold.

It hurt like hell. Maybe the whole daydream of being pinned by sand wasn't such a great one. Especially if this was all a piece of that wish. I felt my heart race. Maybe he would...

The scene of my wish unfolded in my mind again. I swallowed hard at the thought.

What the hell was wrong with me? I felt sicker than I had my entire life and here I was, a married man with children, all of whom I adored more than life itself, fantasizing about the man that was currently holding onto my wrist in a painful death grip.

It was probably that damn wish jutsu, messing with my head. I would never in my right mind constantly think about Gaara that way.

Not constantly anyway.

I felt my muscles tighten at the thought as I remembered something. No, this wasn't the first time in my life I had thought weird things about Gaara.

 _Why was he being so quiet up there_? I wanted to say something, change the direction my thoughts were heading.

There was no such luck. Not long after Boruto was born I had started dreaming of him. Not my usual ones where I had tried saving him, or where I was fighting him. No, these were more... Lewd. I had been a little freaked out, even confided in Hinata, but she just smiled and told me not to worry about it. I noticed every time after, she got just a little more quiet any time I brought him up.

I thought it had been weird that she was jealous of a man. Maybe she was right to.

Especially with the said man dragging me off somewhere where we would likely be alone. Alone, where this jutsu may or may not influence him to do things he wouldn't normally do.

Like shove me against a wall and assault me.

Damn it, I'm weird. the fact it might actually happen excited me. It had to be this jutsu.

I had to stop my train of thought. "Gaara?"

"What?" His voice was lower than usual, a bit hostile.

I gulped. He couldn't possibly have figured out what I was thinking. _Could have he_? Nah, I'm still being weird. "Where are we going?"

He remained silent and slowed down until he was still. It was eerily silent for a while. I stayed motionless, listening to him breath. "I am unsure."

I stared ahead in the darkness where I figured he was standing. "You seriously don't know?"

A sharp pain came from my wrist, his response to what I said. I groaned, causing his grip to loosen just a little. "Sorry." His grip was still tight, but at least it didn't feel like he was going to shatter my wrist anymore.

"Why are you holding on to me so tight anyway?" I decided to push my luck. Maybe it was because I felt ill. Maybe it was because I couldn't see a damn thing and I suddenly imagined the ninja ahead of me to be more reasonable than he actually was.

His response was more silence. I should have known I couldn't have had a simple conversation with him. I fell forward as Gaara yanked me down. "Sit down."

I caught myself before I completely fell into him and did what he said. Sometimes, it was better to simply comply to what he wanted.

More silence. What was he doing? Without us moving I could hear the sound of the storm outside his protective bubble. The wind whistled and the sounds of scraping were far more obvious now. How thick was his shield exactly? For the first time since we had started running, I felt nervous.

"Settle down, I am looking for a place to go."

"A place to go?"

A moment of silence. "If you have forgotten, we need shelter before my chakra runs out." I heard him take a breath, "I would be fine, the sand automatically protects me, but I cannot guarantee your life." His grip returned to its original near bone-crushing strength.

I choked on my words, unable to say anything to that. His voice almost never revealed any kind of emotion, but the way his grip changed with his words said more than he could have ever said. It betrayed the fact he cared about me. I never really knew how to respond to that. I had a family and an army of friends, but I still seriously sucked at real displays of emotion. Heck, Hinata practically had to bash my head in with how much she loved me before I finally got the hint. I'm hopeless. I always figured I was a bit better at it than Gaara was at least. Yet, oddly enough, it was always him that initiated our handshakes, knowing I still was uncomfortable with it. I don't know why I make such a big deal over such a simple gesture.

Gaara moved. Before I could ask he yanked me up to my feet. "Let's go." He didn't give me time to respond before I was pulled forward into a run. He must have found something.

I followed silently, my sickness a bit more obvious after moving again. My entire body ached and I had started to feel groggy. I hoped wherever he was taking us, wouldn't be far.

My world was once again focused on the sand hardened hand attached firmly at my wrist. What a sight we must be. Two of the strongest shinobi in the world, running for their lives in a sandstorm. Imagine, surviving the Akatsuki and then taken out years later by a freaking sandstorm.

It would be ironic.

From that point on I merely concentrated on moving and keeping from being sick. My mind thankfully remained blank and thoughtless as we moved within the deadly sand.

I wasn't aware of how long it had taken us to reach the destination he had set for us, but soon my feet stumbled on stones which caused me to trip. He yanked me back up, shooting a pain up through my arm and shoulder.

"Careful." His voice was ragged and barely audible, "The terrain changes from here, use your chakra to find your footing."

"Yeah, I got it." I focused my chakra on my feet, gaining a slight sense of the ground in front of me. It was awkward at best as I clumsily navigated the rocks and sand.

How in the hell did blind people manage to do anything? Torture. I could barely manage running with a guide, let alone doing anything else.

Before long the terrain evened out and the soft thuds our feet had made in the sand changed to more of a higher pitched clacking as sandals hit solid stone.

"Wait..." Gaara stopped without more than that simple word as a warning and I crashed into him with an 'oomph'. A low growl sounded from the man and I steadied myself, not wanting to annoy him more than I had already done.

My arm was yanked painfully to the left and I stumbled at the change in direction. "This way." He pulled me forwards and I followed.

It was only a couple minutes before the sound of his footsteps slowed from their steady beat. We slowed to a walk, and the sounds of the wind and sand faded away.

He stopped and let out a breath. A moment later there was a flash of bright light following the sounds of a loud crack. I squinted as the light repeated. A small glow followed and I blinked my eyes as I adjusted to the light. A small fire grew where the glow had been and I watched as sand retracted from it. It settled on Gaara's hip who stood next to me, his eyes fixated on the fire, his lips with a slight downturn. He was still holding my wrist in his death grip.

I decided to ignore that and looked around, walls of rock surrounded us. A cave? "Where are we?"

He didn't move his gaze. "Safe." His voice had _**that**_ tone to it, the one that said he was in no mood to talk.

I stood next to him silently, staring at the place he held my wrist. Let go. I pushed and directed the thought at him in hopes that he would remember that he was half crushing it. It didn't work, he just stood there, staring at the freaking fire, expecting me to be silent.

Time stood still, a small crackle of the fire was the only indication that life still went on. The quiet deafened me, made me annoyed and aware that we were alone. In a cave. In the middle of the freaking damn desert. Safe while Shikamaru and Kankuro fought for their lives. And I was ill. And damn it all my wrist hurt. I hated silence. It creeped me out. "Ah, dang it." I couldn't keep it in anymore. I growled, "Will you let go of me already? I mean, what the hell Gaara?"

He didn't move his head for a moment, that annoying silence set in again. After a moment his eyes widened just a little and he looked down at his hand which was embedded into my wrist. "I'm sorry."

I hissed out in pain as his fingers peeled away, the sand sticking in my skin, his sand cracking away from his fingers while he did. The sound of it was disgusting. A weird kind of suction sound mixed with the sound of slowly cracking pottery.

I bit my tongue to keep from yelling out. I felt dizzy as pain consumed my left arm, knowing he must have actually broken my wrist at some point during the trip to wherever this was. His grip had been holding the bone together and I watched as my hand moved unnaturally while he let go of me. I felt even worse and my body began to tremble from the shock of it. Maybe I should have let him keep his fingers inside my wrist, it sure as hell didn't hurt as much as when they were being removed.

Freaking hell.

Gaara finally managed to carefully pry his fingers away from me and sand started to reform itself around the broken and bruised flesh where his hand had been until it formed a type of cast. It squeezed and moved until it felt as though my hand was at least at an angle that looked a bit normal.

"That should keep everything in place while you heal." He reached out to inspect it while he spoke, turning it just slightly as he did. "I..." He trailed off and I seen a wrinkle form between his brows. He was struggling to say something.

"You don't have to explain." Even through the pain I could see how beautiful his fingers were, elegant.

The furrow disappeared followed by a barely audible sigh. He put my arm down and sand flew through the air, landing opposite sides of the fire and formed two beds. Gaara looked tired. More tired than he always looked anyway. His eyes were down, partially hooded. He brought his hand up, his fingers parted and he stared at it. What bothered me, was that he trembled just a little with the movement. He pushed himself too far.

"Hey, you ok? tsch"

"It's nothing I cannot handle." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"You should get some rest, ok?"

He looked up to me and I noticed that his hand clenched up into a fist as he did. "Yes, we both should get rest. Your wrist-" He let the sentence hang, knowing full well any other words were 'simply unnecessary'. A phrase he used quite often with me when I attempted to have conversations with him. He moved swiftly over to the cot he had made and removed his large stuffy trench coat, leaving him in dark baggy clothes.

I stared. "How in the hell do you not die in this heat?"

He sat down cross legged on the sand bed and leaned into his legs, his arms casually resting on them while he looked up to me. "The heat doesn't bother me."

"How?" Seriously, I had no idea. A question I always wanted to ask, but there were usually too many people around.

"Sand." A single word. He moved, straightened his legs, with one knee up while he laid back.

"Sand? That's all you're gonna give me? So mean." I pouted at him but he didn't seem to care, or look.

"I need to rest, Naruto. I suggest you do the same." This time he sounded irritated.

I groaned. "Fine, whatever. Tsch." I grumbled and flopped down into the other bed. I found myself surprised at the feel of it. Soft. How could sand feel soft?

I looked over at the other bed across the fire and seen bits of sand start to swirl around. Rest. I wondered then why he didn't just sleep. I mean, he didn't have Shukaku anymore.

That familiar heaviness reformed in my ribs at the thought. I hoped I wouldn't dream of that again. Not when I was rooming with someone other than my wife, and especially not with the source of said dreams.

I turned on my side, willing myself into a dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :) Got a little stuck on this one. Probably because I'm getting too anxious for 'the incident' to happen. I also realize there is a very long way to go on this, so I hope you all like it enough to keep reading. Thank you again, and please review!
> 
> I do not yet have a beta, so please excuse some of my mistakes.

 

 

**Gaara**

It hadn't taken long for my chakra to replenish enough for me to come out of my rest state. I stared at the stone of the cave above me, watching the way the flickering light of the fire danced upon the uneven surface. I'm not sure why, but fire relaxed me. The way the light danced and moved, the warmth it gave when I felt so cold. One of the few things of comfort I had retained from my childhood.

My calm was interrupted by an obnoxious snoring. I sat myself up, changing my bed into a lounger as I did. I leaned back as I changed my attentions to the source of the sound. Just beyond the warm flickering glow a man was snoring. One arm and one leg had fallen off the bed I had made for him, the flickering light making his hair almost glow.

His hair was much shorter now. He had changed the length not long after he had started to date that Hyuga girl. Absently I brought my hand to my own hair. The pomade that kept my hair in place was wearing off, strands of hair I could feel were disobediently trying to break free of the substance. I sighed. For many years I had tried to copy him, I let my hair grow out and allowed it to be somewhat more unruly than I preferred. Another thing we had in common was that both our hair wasn't naturally straight. I'm not sure why, but it made me feel more connected to him.

 _Him_.

Even now I found myself craving his approval, after so many years. I had at least moved past trying to copy him. After his marriage, I separated myself more from him. They called me a political prodigy. I had the ability to give great speeches, practiced etiquette and had even joined all the nations together during the war.

Prodigy. It was definitely better than what they had referred to me as in my youth. I felt my shoulders tense painfully at the memory.

 _Monster_.

I had worked equally as hard to live up to that name as well. I stared, feeling a bit grim, at the figure across from me.

I pushed _that_ word from my mind. I had decided to just go with the flow of it all. Everything before the war and during was for a singular purpose. Naruto Uzumaki. To make him proud, to be worthy of his notice and most importantly to protect him. I wanted to live his ideals, to forge connections. To become precious to someone.

To be to someone else, like he was to me.

I watched for a while as his chest moved rhythmically in his breathing.

I frowned. I had gone out of my way to see him, to make this trip with him. Then I nearly drowned him with a sandstorm and shattered his wrist. Why did I even try? I'm such a terrible friend.

On top of it all, I had no guarantee Kankuro and the others were safe. I felt the familiar pain start in my chest and I grabbed at the fabric there. _Kankuro_...

I decided that just sitting there, staring at Naruto and reminiscing about how idiotic I was as a child wasn't one of the best things for me to do. It wasn't healthy to obsess. At least, that is what Kankuro told me any time I talked about him. I didn't see much difference with his relationship with his puppets.

I took out some of my sand and created small figures out of them. A thing I had started to do when Shinki was little to entertain him. Oddly, when he got older I kept doing it. Without realizing it, I had found myself a hobby. One of the figures I created was of a gentleman wearing formal garb, and the other was a woman wearing something nice, a dress. One that could be easily danced in. I smiled softly as the tiny man held out his hand and the lady swayed her head back, her hand to her mouth.

She was being bashful. I bit my lip as a small giggle attempted to surface and I glanced up quickly to Naruto. Still snoring, thank goodness. If he caught me play acting with my sand, the world would come to know. He might also start thinking of me as childish, and that simply would not do either. Not when I had gone out of my way to give the exact opposite impression.

Nobody needed to know about this.

 _ **Nobody**_.

Once I felt safe to, I returned my attention to the couple and the man fell to his knees, begging her. The lady slumped her shoulders, defeated, and held her hand out to him.

He jumped up triumphant! He grabbed her, one hand at her waist, his hand in her hand and her second hand to his shoulder. Then, they danced. They whirled around in a simple waltz, her dress flowing about, the bits of sand particles that left only making her more mesmerizing as they floated around me.

Dancing. It seemed so foreign, intimate. Something I would never have enough nerve to actually do.

Snoring stopped and I heard movement. I felt a small twinge of panic and I froze. The pair stopped dancing and disintegrated back into sand. I frowned over their return to nonexistence and I glanced up. I was correct, sure enough he was moving. A low groan came from him and he slowly sat up.

His hand went to his head, his bandaged fingers weaving through his spiky hair. "Man, my head hurts." He slowly opened his eyes and frowned. After a moment his eyes widened.

He scanned the room with a frantically moving head, then looked at me.

We locked eyes a moment, the fire flames flickering in the depths of his blue eyes. I tilted my head just a little in question. He was being too silent.

"How long have you been watching me?"

I took a breath through my nose, carefully schooling my expression to stay clear. "You were waking up."

"Not really an answer."

"That is how long." Technically. I need not mention that before this point I had stared at him likely for a good hour.

He frowned at me. "Yeah, whatever, tsch." He looked irritated. It wasn't like him.

I watched him, debating exactly how I should ask him if everything is ok. _If_ I should actually ask him if everything was ok. I had after all led him directly into a sandstorm, practically kidnapped him and shattered his wrist. All within a day.

No wonder he looked irritated.

He let out a breath and flopped back down into the bed creating a bit of a thud in the sand in the process. "It's not fair. Sand shouldn't be this dang comfortable." He moved his arms like he was making a sand angel.

"What are you doing?" I watched, confused as to what he was doing.

"Just feeling."

I stared. I don't think I will ever live long enough to figure him out completely.

He stopped after a small sigh. "How long do you think the storm will last?"

I blinked at his change in demeanor. He was the only person I knew who could change so effortlessly between goofy and serious then back again. I looked towards the cave entrance that I had buried in sand. I felt out to it, raising my hand as an extension of myself- a bridge. Through the wall, beyond it to the frantically blowing sand of the storm. Nothing. It still was raging, more fierce than before.

I lowered my hand and looked back to him. "It is hard to say. Another day or two possibly, hopefully no more than that. The wind is moving the sand quickly, so while that is a danger and a hindrance, most storms like that fade quicker than those with slower winds."

The man across from me groaned loudly. "Seriously? Two entire days stuck in a cave with nothing to do? Dang, I'm gonna be so bored! Tsch."

I felt a small pang in my chest and I looked away from him. "Perhaps you would have preferred to have been doing paperwork." I left the rest of my thought unsaid. _Rather than spend a couple of days with me._

"Eh, don't be so weird about it Gaara." His voice sounded a bit low, "I just feel a bit trapped."

I looked up surprised at him, my eyes wide. His eyes were fixed on me and I felt my muscles tense under his gaze. It was one I had never seen before. Not sad or nostalgic, not happy or goofy. Not even one if his more serious looks he got when dealing with business.

Was he still feeling ill? Could that be it? "Are you well, Naruto?" Why did I keep saying his name? Even for me it was a bit formal at this point.

The man scoffed and leaned on his elbows. "Well enough I guess." He shrugged, "Think I might have gotten food poisoning or something." His eyes widened and he flashed me a quick smile. "Nothing to worry about! I'm getting a bit better!"

I frowned. I had been correct in thinking he wasn't feeling well.

"Seriously, it's nothing! Honest." He moved his hand to cross his heart and winced.

My frown deepened when I seen my sand cast still in place, reminding me of the injury I had inflicted on him earlier. I stole a glance at my hand. This hand, _my_ hand, had hurt _him_. It was not acceptable. I waved my hand towards myself, the sand beneath said injured shinobi obediently came to me, carrying him. I ignored the outburst that he made, some sort of unintelligible rant as the sand neared and landed next to my lounger. I brought the sand cast up to me for inspection, holding his arm tight enough that he wouldn't be able to wiggle free. I pushed my fingers against it, feeling down into it. Inside I could feel the throbbing of his heartbeat. Good, not completely damaged. I felt further in, bringing a hiss from beside me. I let go, satisfied. He would be ok.

"-Me go Damn it, Gaara! Are you even listening to me?" His voice penetrated into my thoughts and I looked up to him. His eyes were looking quite angry. Furrowed brows, thin lips. I blinked. Yes, angry.

I let the cast go. "Okay."

His arm dropped down with some force since he was still pulling at it and he flopped backwards with an 'oomph'. "Gee, thanks, nice of you to finally listen to me, dang." He rubbed his arm. "Hey, why don't you take this thing off anyway?"

I looked back to the fire. "No."

"Why not? Come on, I'm fine." His voice went higher, dangerously close to a whine. I refused to look over to him, knowing he would likely be giving that sappy sad look that I often seen in children when they wanted something.

"No."

"Aww, but-" he grabbed at my sleeve and tugged.

"No." I looked up then, knowing he wouldn't just leave it at a simple no. Of course not, he was too freaking stubborn for his own good. "It's still broken." It was true, I could feel the bones move when I was feeling out the injury. "It is healing quickly however."

He pouted at me. "Ok, fine. You don't have to make such a fuss about it you know." He slumped down, his eyes got thin and he partially crossed his arms.

"I really wasn't." Maybe I was. I wanted to fuss over him more. He didn't need to know that.

A minute or two passed by. I agreed with him about the silence in here. Especially now that he was awake and not snoring the quiet settled in like a weight. I both loved and hated the silence. Loved it, because I was plagued by Shukaku in my head for so long with his constant murderous blabbering to the point I just wanted to tear my hair out. Hated it, because Shukaku was very obviously missing from my internal dialogues. It simply felt... Wrong. Off, like something wasn't right.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

I decided I was hungry and scooted my gourd over to me. I stared at it a moment. Inside was a delectable stew. Carefully crafted in a delicate blend of spices and stock, the meat cooked to tender perfection. Naruto's wife had made this specially for me.

I carefully unpacked it from its spot inside my gourd and noticed that she had packed it into separate portions for travel. I looked back to my solemn looking companion in amazement. I knew that he had called her amazing before, but he honestly should rave about it. She had made this for me, but only because I was his friend. If only I had been so lucky to have somebody like that in my own life. A small twinge of something I think might be jealousy rose in my stomach.

If only I could actually bring myself to want to be with another person. I was ready to accept an arranged marriage years before, but at this point I was getting too old for it and I was still terribly awkward around people.

A groan sounded from the man I caught myself staring at again. "Will you just eat that already? It stinks, tsch." He fell back onto the sand bed and put his bandaged forearm to his forehead. "I guess I am still feeling it a bit."

He took a deep ragged breath and let it out slowly through thin lips. "Please?" His voice was strained.

I quickly ate just enough to settle my own stomach before it decided to complain in neglect and resealed it into the sand. I watched a shiver ripple through him.

What in the hell was wrong with him? A simple case of food poisoning wouldn't come and go like that. "What is really wrong with you?"

I was answered with a groan, but the man before me barely moved a muscle beyond that.

I wouldn't let him get away with it that easily. I left my lounger, crawled over to him and laid on the sand bed next to him. I was dangerously close, his weird and unnatural heat penetrating through my sand armor just slightly. I found him odd and addicting, and I hated that feeling. So in turn I went out of my way to tease him occasionally.

I almost pressed up against him and propped myself up on my elbow. I took my free hand and and laced it under his arm, touching his very hot forehead.

I felt a small smirk twitch at my lips as he jerked at my touch. Served him right for ignoring my question. His arm lowered and his eyes burned into me. The fiery look only provoked me further. "You lied to me, your forehead, it's burning up." I kept my eyes steady and unblinking knowing it would eventually freak him out. I'm not sure why it amused me so much to creep him out. Maybe it had something to do with my more sadistic side.

I was right, not long after he started watching me, his eyes widened. I expected the usual slew of harsh words and rambling, but only got confused with the action he had made this time.

He had gasped after a moment, swatted my hand away and half fell off the bed in retreat.

 _Fear_.

I refused to acknowledge this as I scrambled after him, hoping he hadn't somehow hurt himself more than he already was. "Naruto?"

"I'm fine!" His voice was loud and shrill. He batted my hands away again, moving back away from me. "Don't!" He tried to regain his breath, "I mean, please, I-" he let the sentence drop.

Had I frightened him somehow? Obviously, but how? I slowly retreated back to my original spot as I tried unsuccessfully to ignore the dull aching feeling in my chest. Was he really afraid of me?

I briefly got caught up in my own conflicting emotions before Naruto cleared his throat. I looked up, my lips thin, not entirely ready for whatever the blonde man was about to say.

He looked serious, more serious than I can ever recall seeing him. He scratched the back of his head and moved the arm around his knee. Then, with a deep breath he asked, "Gaara, I know you had to have felt that storm coming. What happened out there?"

 **Shit**.


	9. Bending the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara tries to figure out what is wrong with Naruto

**Naruto**

I stared at the sand of the chair like thing Gaara was sitting on. With every waking minute, I felt my sickness coming back. The feeling worsened every time Gaara moved away from me and the severity of that little fact was starting to annoy me.

Particularly because direct contact with Gaara always made me oddly nervous. Ever since that very first handshake, I was acutely aware of how nervous I got anytime he was near enough to touch. Yet...

I dared a look upwards, settling my gaze on his thigh, not wanting to be caught watching him. His eyes, they could eat directly into my soul and it was unnerving. He had touched me again, and I could still feel the heat in my arm from it. Maybe. Maybe it was all in my head. I'm so weird. I focused on my breath as another wave of nausea swept over me.

I wondered how long I could keep on pretending I was fine. That I wasn't suffering the effects of a creepy wish. A wish that involved him. One that might affect him as well.

It turned out, that I wouldn't be able to keep it up very long at all. Damn him. I heard the sand move and I watched the gourd move to him. It took me a second to figure out what he was about to do, when I remembered what was inside. Shit. Leftovers. I focused my eyes back to the sand he was sitting on. If I consecrated on something else, I could conquer this. Breathe in, breathe out. It can't be that bad, could it?

It was. The smell was almost too much for me. I resisted the need to empty my stomach the moment the disgusting smell reached my nose. _Why Hinata, why_? Why did you have to make something that smelled that strong?

I heard movement and the stench somehow became stronger. Seriously? I tried moving my wrist, hoping the resulting pain would be enough to distract me from the need to empty everything that might be in my stomach.

No such luck. The only thing that I had accomplished was a renewed throbbing inside that annoyingly tight sand cast that only added to my existing discomfort. _Hell_.

The sounds ceased, but the smell remained strong. I resisted the urge to look up, afraid the sight of what he was eating would push me over the edge. Just eat it already. _Come on Gaara, hurry it up already_. Another eternity went by, and still no change. Damn it. I looked up.

Then I narrowed my eyes. What the hell? Those stupid bright teal eyes were fixed on me. Looking through me. Testing my resolve. I wondered for a moment if he knew. I think he did. That bastard was messing with me. I groaned. I. Could. Not. Take. This. Anymore.

"Will you just eat that already?" I averted my eyes when he blinked. "It stinks, tsch." I let my muscles relax and I fell backwards onto the sand and brought my arm to my head. Well, I didn't feel hot to me, so I probably didn't have a temperature at least. I kept my arm in place, I could almost feel his eyes burning a hole into my skin and I really didn't want to look at him at the moment. Might as well come clean. Partially. "I guess I am still feeling it a bit."

I waited and still heard nothing. It felt like I would explode, my entire body had begun to shake as I fought the sickness. I let out a breath, surprised by how shaky it sounded. " _Please_?"

A brief moment passed and finally sounds came from that bastard's direction. Then, after way too long, the smell faded and was gone. I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding and felt my body tremble in relief.

Thank goodness.

"What is really wrong with you?" His voice was deep, laced with concern.

Damn it. I groaned in response. _Please don't ask_. I couldn't tell him I was sick for the likely reason of a wish. One that involved him.

One that involved him touching me more than I have ever been comfortable with.

More sounds. I didn't want to look, I didn't want to know what he was up to. A few years ago he had taken to teasing me. I prayed I could control myself if my instincts were correct in that he was about to do something.

My instincts were in fact correct. The sounds grew closer and before long I could feel a steady warmth beside me. Then, the warmth was so close I could almost feel him, his breath tickling my chin.

 _Go away_. I wanted to say it, but I couldn't. No, I was sick, and not just physically ill. I wanted him to touch me, wanted him close. How badly I wanted it, scared the hell out of me. It was wrong. Always wrong. So I avoided contact with him. For years. But...

I jerked as a hand snaked under the arm at my forehead. I was flooded with a sense of relief, my sickness disappearing so fast I felt dizzy.

How dare he? Heat flooded my body, replacing the illness with something else, something that was dangerous. My mind was filled with images of him. Images I shouldn't be thinking about. I moved my arm down and glared at him. He kept his hand at my forehead, fueling the fire that was consuming me slowly.

"You lied to me, your forehead, it's burning up." His eyes were fixated on me. Those unnatural, bright teal eyes. I could feel my heart race as he continued to stare at me. His face was in his trained apathetic expression, eyes unblinking. He was perfect, like a porcelain doll.

A porcelain doll that might ravage me later.

My eyes widened. What the hell was I thinking again? A thought occurred to me just then.

What if this wish wasn't just messing with me? I mean, really. What if...

I drew in a quick breath. Shit. It made way too much sense now. _Damn it Naruto, you are too freaking slow sometimes_. I quickly drew my hand up and swatted his hand away from my forehead. He would mess with me sometimes, yes, but usually it didn't go behind anything verbal.

I pushed myself away from him as I tried to clear my head and a sharp pain shot through my back. I was on the floor. _Think, Naruto_.

I watched him come near again, afraid he would try and touch me while I tried to work things out in my head.

I seen concern etched onto his normally blank face and hands coming towards me. Shit, not now. "Naruto?" His voice was soft, worried.

I batted his hands away, with more force than I had meant to. "I'm fine!" I cringed inwardly at the sound of my own voice as I worked my legs to scoot a safe distance away from him.

I could see him move, coming closer. I held up a hand, "Don't!" Damn it. Even I could hear the fear laced into my own voice. I worked at calming myself, taking in a breath. "I mean, please I-" I faltered. I spoke too soon, and there was no ending to that. Not one I was willing to say. _I am afraid I will force you to do something you will regret._

There was a strange pain in my chest as he retreated back to where he was before. He had a look to him I hadn't seen in years, and I realized that in my haste to clear my mind I had hurt him. He was fragile, more than most realized. He could hide it well, as well as I could.

That pain he grew up with never went away. I knew, because try as I may the pain in my own heart lingered. We were still the same that way.

I wanted to protect him. This time, I had to protect him from myself. I hoped I would be strong enough. But first, I had to know.

I had to know if my theory was right.

I cleared my throat, hoping the sound would break him from his destructive thoughts.

It worked. He looked up, his lips drawn into a thin line and he wore a look that clearly read as pain. I bit my tongue to keep myself from immediately working at comforting him. No, I had to know.

I scratched the back of my head, nervous of the reaction I could get with the question I was about to ask. I brought my arm around my knee and breathed in deeply.

It was now or never. "Gaara, I know you had to have felt that storm coming. What happened out there?"

I tightened my grip on my knee, just in case he involuntarily lashed out with his sand. I carefully kept my gaze on him, unwavering. I watched as his features changed from hurt, to surprised. His mouth opened slightly, then moved some.

He was having trouble answering. Then, "I'm not sure."

"You did feel it though?" It was always a risk to press on with anything when it came to Gaara. He had a bad temper still, even if he had been night and day better about it from when we took the exam all those many years ago.

My heart skipped as he narrowed his eyes at me. "Yes." His voice lowered, and the word was spoken slowly.

This man, this man who I knew as fragile, was also one of the most dangerous men I knew. My time to press Gaara would be limited before he snapped. Which could be different things. He could lash out, or worse, retreat into himself and leave me in silence until we left. It would be unbearable.

I kept my eyes on him, hoping that I wouldn't have to say anything else and that he would volunteer the information before his temper flared. I watched, trying to keep focused as the muscle in his jaw moved. His hands gripped dangerously at the sand beneath him.

I tensed. Then his hands relaxed. I let a breath out through my nose as my clarity started to dissipate once more. That wonderful clear that came after the calm heat of his touch and the return of the sickness was leaving me. At least he wouldn't be attacking me for my questions.

He looked away from me. "I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. My body wouldn't obey me. It was everything I could do just to grab onto you." His voice was barely a whisper.

I dropped my arm down from my knee. "Gaara..."

"I couldn't protect them." He clutched at his chest and a tear slowly made a track down the sand covering his face.

My theory was right. He had lost control of himself. It wouldn't be a stretch for him to lose control with me.

My hands twitched. Gaara was crying. Kankuro, Shikamaru and that new guy Junji could be in serious trouble out there. All because of me. That stupid sarcastic wish I made was causing havoc. Thanks grandma Tsunade. _Great idea_. I had to tear my eyes away from him when he had begun to tremble.

I wanted to hug him. Wrap my arms around him and let him know everything would be ok. It would be ok, wouldn't it? There was no way I could know, but hell, I wasn't one to ponder on that kind of crap for too long.

I clenched my fist, then released it. I would be fine. I could fight this alone. I could stop him if I needed to.

There was no way I was going to let him know that I had been fantasizing, like that, about him. He would never be able to look at me the same way, and that scared me more than anything.

I decided that I would rather fight my emotions rather than the nausea so I moved over next to him and leaned back into the chair, willing myself not to react. Comfy. Seriously, how did he get the sand to be so soft?

He tensed at my movement, I could see the ripple of his muscles beneath his clothes, his back getting a bit straighter. His trembling had stopped. "What are you doing?"

"Relaxing." I knew he wanted to know why I had asked him such a question, but I knew he wouldn't ask directly. He wasn't much for words usually, so I took advantage of that. I also wasn't going to just volunteer that information either.

He turned his head to me sharply, his eyes thin and he studied me. "I can tell when you are keeping things from me, Naruto Uzumaki." He moved himself over to the bed I had been in, "I dislike being lied to."

I was wrong thinking he wouldn't press more. "I'm not lying." Keeping something from him yes, lying, definitely not.

"But you are keeping something from me."

I kept my gaze steady, allowing the silence to answer for me. I wasn't going to blatantly lie right after telling him I wasn't.

"I see." His voice was more of a hiss. I would prefer for him to be mad at me. It was better than...

What? What would he think of me? Would he be disappointed, disgusted? I highly doubted he would just go with it.

I also knew rejection in any form, from him, would be more than I wanted to handle.

I moved my head, bringing my attention to the top of the cave. I watched as the fire flickered on the stone above. It was a little beautiful, the way the light hit. Maybe I should invest in more candles when I got home.

"Naruto."

Damn it. "Gaara." I returned his name. I clenched my jaw when he sighed. Of all the times that this guy decided he wanted to talk, was the time I was hiding something. Just great.

"Are you upset with me?" There was a slight straining of his voice. Hurt, and anger.

"No." I thought a moment, working out a way that I could explain everything without giving away what was happening, and I simply couldn't figure it out. I also didn't want him thinking I hated him or some such nonsense. "I understand what happened." _Be enough_. It wouldn't be.

A moment of silence, one that I wished lasted longer. Even I knew that wouldn't happen and I waited for another question. "Does this happen to be related to your illness?" Yes, he was sounding irritated with me. The strain in his voice was gone.

I sighed. "Yes." _Stop asking questions_. I could feel his eyes on me, eating away at my resolve. This pause was longer, which meant he was working a way around my evasive answers.

A low groan sounded from his throat and I jumped a little when I felt the sand behind me wrap around my arms, chest and head.

"What the hell are you doing?" The sand gripped at my face, forcing me to look over to a very angry looking Gaara. I groaned.

"You will tell me what is wrong with you."

"I..." I paused, panic overriding my thought process. "I can't." Lame.

He leaned in, his face coming too close for comfort. So close I could feel his breath. _Well, that helped_. My entire body flooded with heat and my mouth felt like cotton. I felt my body begin to tremble and I worked at calming myself down. I swallowed and took a deep breath. I can fight this.

I found myself staring at his face, my eyes darting around to the different features that were in my range of sight. The bright teal green of his eyes and the barely noticeable change in color that defined his pupils. The dark ring that circled his eyes that made the color even brighter. The way it faded at the edges and the puffiness of his eyes underneath from lifelong sleep deprivation. To the scar of love that was etched into the skin of his forehead, neatly placed in the part of his hair. The way his hair was just a little less than perfect, with strands of it that fell loosely on his angry looking face.

Angry. Yes, he was angry at me. Focus. "Your sister's eyes are just a bit darker than yours I think."

His face melted from anger to confusion in the matter of a millisecond. It was everything I could do not to laugh. "What does that have to do with anything?" A sigh. "Damn it Naruto, stop playing games with me."

I closed my eyes, looking at him only made my mind blur. I had to think of a way to phrase it that would satisfy him. A way that be truthful, but lacking of very inappropriate details. "What, like you would squish me if I don't tell you or something?" I dared open my eyes to look at him again, risking losing myself at the sight of him so close to me.

"I have the ability." His face was back to his blank expression, his mouth turned slightly in a frown.

I think I had it. "Fine. But it's embarrassing."

His eyes widened a little, as though he was surprised that I would give up at such an idle threat. "I..." He trailed off, but didn't finish the thought. I hoped he didn't think I took him seriously.

"Grandma Tsunade hired an old lady to put me in some weird jutsu. She thought it was hilarious, and it's making me sick and everything. I don't think it's really all that funny-not even close. But anyway, there is supposed to be some kind of side effect from this crap, and I'm not sure how it's going to play out, but I worry it's contagious or something. So freaking embarrassing, an old lady one upping the Hokage. I'm so going to get that old hag back, you wait." I smiled wide, hoping my rant would deter any further questions. I had successfully navigated the story without mentioning the whole embarrassing wish thing. I felt my face flush at the thought. At least he thought me simply ill so I wouldn't have to explain that too.

I almost laughed when I watched his reaction. His eyes were wide and his mouth was in a half open frown. "I shouldn't have asked." He moved away from me and the sand retreated from my body.

Success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I hope you are liking my drabble here. I just wanted to let you know that within the next couple of chapters, the 'incident' will be taking place. Just in case you are squeamish about such things. ;)
> 
> If you like it, or have suggestions, please review!


	10. Boredom

 

**Gaara**

It took everything in my power not to stare at him. Whatever was really going on with him, I would never know.

I didn't like it.

I didn't have a choice but to go with it.

Naruto always did have a knack for talking circles around a subject. He could give an answer without really giving an answer and leaving his audience confused about what he was really talking about in the first place.

And I was supposed to be the political prodigy. I scoffed through my nose. At least, I had confirmation that he was in fact sick. Sick with something that was brought on by some old lady's jutsu, that much was a certainty. He could talk circles, but he usually didn't lie, at last not like that.

What could be so serious that he couldn't tell me fully what was wrong? I brought my eyes back to him only to find his blue eyes fixated on me, in an expression that I did not quite recognize. He looked serious, but different. I felt my brows purse together in my confusion. What could he be thinking? I for once wasn't sure I wanted to know.

A bored Naruto, was immediately an unpredictable and possibly dangerous Naruto.

Before I could steel my unsettled nerves enough to speak and ask the question, he raised his arms up, a smirk gracing his lips. "Heh." He deepened his smile, though it was not his normal aloof one. This one...

This one looked dangerous. I tensed, worried that he would try to attack me. I didn't mind sparring with him, but we were in an enclosed space, with just rock and sand separating us from a crushing sandstorm, the likes I had not seen in years. We were both too powerful, this cave would collapse, and I would be forced to find us shelter- or just kill him and end my misery.

Yes, if he tried to fight me, I would just end him and be done with it. This was all too annoying anymore.

He muttered under his breath and two clones popped into existence next to him. All three had that strange look on their faces. All three had that strange look directed at me. I narrowed my eyes. "Whatever you are thinking, I would advise against it." I found myself backing up on the bed and cursed myself for the movement. I was on sand, physical movement was highly unnecessary. I forced myself to stay still, focusing on my own breath, watching closely as he surrounded me.

"Oi, Gaara!" The Naruto to my left, slightly behind me.

I touched the sand beneath me and it responded, slightly pulsing at my touch, ready to move at my command. I kept my head forward knowing I needed to keep all three of them in sight. I clenched my teeth together and felt the muscle in my jaw jump at the movement.

"Gaara..." The other side, to my right. This one's voice was darker and more subdued.

_What the hell are you up to?_

The one in front of me gave a half laugh. "Prepare yourself..."

I started to move the sand around me, preparing a barrier for whatever it was the crazy man surrounding me was planning.

I heard the familiar 'pomf' of transforming clones and I half fell over at what happened next. I dropped the sand back and cursed under my breath. "Idiot."

Naruto center burst out laughing, and I looked at what his clones turned into. They looked like goal posts, with little flags on them. What the hell? "You should have seen your face, aww man, Gaara, priceless!" More laughing.

"I have half a mind to kill you." I stood up slowly, my irritation showing in the erratic sand at my feet.

He brought his hand up to the back if his head, his eyes brimming with tears in his laughter. "Come on, it's so boring in here! I gotta do something to keep from dying of boredom." His hand dropped from his head and I noticed for a brief moment his smile faltered.

"You're still ill."

"Hey, it's nothing." His smile was wide. Almost too wide. Fake.

I frowned, the fact that he was hiding something from me becoming more and more obvious now that I had noticed it. "I will not-" not what? Allow him to deceive me? No, he would merely babble at me again. I groaned. "What are you up to then?"

"Make a ball." His face became serious as though to iterate his point.

I stared at him, not fully processing what he demanded of me. "Make a what?"

"A ball." He sighed, "You know, a round ball, kids play with them..."

"I know what a ball is." I glared at him. "What I'm not positive on, is why you want one."

"To pass the time, I'm bored."

I continued my stare, my face carefully trained into my usual expression. He wasn't planning on my joining him, was he?

I must have stared a bit longer than I thought because he cleared his throat. "Well, you going to make one or what?"

I blinked myself out of my stupor and brought my fingers up, raising a bit of sand, just enough to form the ball. I brought it to my hand, raising my other as I carefully, silently, went to work. The small grains whirled between my hands, slowly forming a sphere and I carefully left the center hollow to allow for mobility. I felt a small tingle in my stomach I have come to relate to the word joy as the sphere solidified.

I wondered idly if this joy, this childlike wonder I had been experiencing, was what my childhood would have been like. If I had been born normal. The thought made the tingle disappear, and the wonder left along with it. The feeling left in its wake was dull, a weight that settled deeply into my chest and tightened my airways. The ball dropped to my hand and I tossed it over to the man in front of me. "Here."

A frown spread on his lips as he grasped the ball. "Feels real, weird." He tossed it up and caught it. "It's like it's a real ball."

I smiled, my lips turning up slightly amused at his curiosity. "This disappoints you?"

"What? No!" He looked at me, lip out and eyes narrowed. "Just hard to believe it's just sand."

"Sand and chakra." I couldn't get rid of the small smile on my face so I decided not to fight it anymore. "I perfected those when Shinki was still young."

"Oh yeah?" He slumped to the ground in front of me, eyes full of curiosity. His legs crossed and he held the ball in the recess created there between them. His eyes almost glowed in curiosity.

I sighed. He wanted a story, I could just feel it. I took a deep breath through my nose as I worked the words out in my head. It took longer than I expected, I was starting to feel a bit sluggish. "I always wanted to play with the other kids when I was little. I even retrieved their ball once for them when it got stuck on a cliff. Unfortunately that only made them more terrified of me." I bit my tongue, willing away the memories of old. Another breath. I think I may have told him that once, but I couldn't remember. "So, when Shinki turned six I decided that I should teach him to play." I looked into the fire, "Though, that was probably silly looking back on it. I myself didn't know how to play and had to rope Kankuro into teaching both of us. He complained a lot about it at the time." I looked back to Naruto, and tilted my head slightly to the side as I contemplated him. He sat watching me, his face soft and just barely a hint of a smile there. I dared ask the question that emerged in my mind every time I couldn't read him. "What are you thinking?"

His smile widened at the question. "Just..." He tossed the ball a little, catching and tossing slightly with a single hand. He moved his eyes away from me to the sand toy I had given him. "All this time I've known you, been friends with you, and I think that is the first personal story you have ever told me." His hands paused- amazed as I was at how easily he could do it with the cast on- and gripped the ball so tightly his knuckles went white. "Well, since we were kids anyway" There was the tell tale sign again. His face fell, quickly covered by his over accentuated grin as he looked back up to me. _What are you hiding from me?_

"We usually don't spend much time to speak to each other." I surprised myself with that simple statement. It was true. We really never talked much, sometimes we went years without ever seeing each other. Yet... I couldn't help but think of him as my first and closest friend.

"Yeah, now that you say that, we really don't." He blinked a few times, then stood up. "Alright then, we are going to play!"

My eyes narrowed at him. I let my guard down. "I will not be playing."

"Aww, but Gaara, you just admitted that you knew how to play."

I grumbled at myself. Tell a personal story, have it used against you in minutes. "I'm never telling you another thing about me."

He let out a sound that was half sigh, half groan. "Fine, don't play then." He moved the ball under his arm and with a quick hand sign there stood a second Naruto, looking just as eager as the original. They both looked at me, lopsided smiles and thumbs in the air. "Don't you worry, we can do this ourselves!" They spoke in unison.

How annoying.

I flicked my hand, retreating my sand and myself away from his makeshift play yard before he tried to use me as an obstacle. I used the sand to create a bench and sat there, my back straight and arms crossed as the sounds of the ball being kicked and tossed echoed through the cave. I sat there, watching silently as he waged war with himself, exclaiming that only the one true Naruto would prevail.

Who knew watching a silly game would prove to be so entertaining?

°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°

I jumped as a hand touched my shoulder, my eyes widening at the intrusion. I looked up at the offender and found myself looking into the too close for comfort blue eyes of one Naruto Uzumaki.

"Dang, maybe I'm not the only one who is sick here. I told you it might be contagious."

I squeezed my eyes shut a moment then opened them wide again as I tried to clear my head. What just happened? "How...?" I looked around me wondering if I had actually fallen fully asleep, but thankfully I seen traces of sand still lurking in the air around me. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was still too dangerous to sleep for me. I disliked it, I had no control of myself when I slept. There was also that _other_ reason. I felt myself shudder at the thought and brought myself back to the present, where I was being accosted by brilliant blue eyes.

He waved his hand in front of my face. "Earth to Gaara, you with me?"

I grabbed the offending appendage in annoyance, bringing it down out of my sight. "Don't push me."

"Grumpy." He stayed kneeled down in front of me. "You've been out a while, the ball disintegrated over two hours ago."

I growled at him, my eyes narrow. It wasn't so much that I was irritated at him, but at myself. Two hours? I hadn't even realized I had fallen into my rest state, let alone that he was close enough to touch me. It was why I surrounded myself with wisps of the substance, to protect myself. "Maybe I am."

He looked at me, his face blank. "Huh?"

"Sick, maybe I am sick, like you said."

"Ah, that. I forgot I said that." He rubbed the back of his head.

I returned his blank look. "But you just said it." _Idiot_.

He shrugged, "Yeah, I was getting bored, sorry for waking you. It's just, I actually got hungry and-"

"Leftovers?" I interrupted him, oddly excited for the chance at the delicacies that were packed for me. My irritation from only a moment ago nearly forgotten.

"Yeah, if you don't mind sharing. I'm starved."

I quickly brought my gourd over and paused, looking up to him as my memories returned from my half asleep stupor. "Didn't you practically retch the last time I attempted to eat this?"

"Yeah, but I am feeling better." His smile turned dark, an odd look crossing his face. "Maybe, if I lean on you for comfort, I could eat my meal without a hitch? What do you say, huh buddy?"

I twitched. "You will do no such thing."

"But I'm hungry." His voice was high, whiny. He stared at me with those eyes, those annoyingly bright, understanding eyes.

"No." _Do not give in to him_.

He twisted around and scooted up next to me anyway. "Just a little then." His hip was touching mine, almost down to my knee.

I groaned. "Naruto." His name was meant as a threat and I went to move enough so he wouldn't be touching me. I tensed when a large, very warm hand roughly gripped onto my leg, keeping me from finishing the motion.

"I'm being serious, humor me will ya?" The heat from his hand was unmistakable even through my sand armor, his voice was hoarse and he looked straight ahead, his face somewhat grim.

 _Like back then_. When I refused everyone else's help to stand and honor Lady Chiyo, he just silently grabbed hold of me, with that heat from his hand, that look on his face. The moment felt too similar and I swallowed down the unfamiliar wave of unidentifiable emotion that flooded through my body. I had felt it back then, and it was still as mysterious now. I just nodded to him and unpacked my treasure, doing my best to ignore the shiver that crawled down my spine.

"You must have your wife send my assistant this recipe." I handed him a portion before opening my own.

"Yeah, I could probably get her to do that." He gave a half laugh, "It will embarrass her you like it so much." He poked at the stew, "She does look cute when she gets weird like that though. Tsh."

Jealousy. I could feel it well up in me, overriding the previous swell from when he grasped my leg. I found myself watching him, trying to remove the frown from my face, but only succeeded in twitching my lips upwards. "Thank you." It was all I could manage to force myself to say. It sounded far more angry than I meant it to.

He didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, don't mention it." He sighed. "Damn." He dropped his chopsticks.

I tilted my head at him, finally getting the frown from my lips. He still wasn't well enough to eat. At least he didn't look like he was going to pass out this time.

He looked up and squinted at me. "You're just as weird as Hinata, you know that?" Unexpected.

My eyes went wide in surprise. "What?" Did he just compare me to his _wife_?

He laughed a bit erratically and a flush reddened his cheeks. "Um, yeah. You, uh..." He stuffed his mouth with stew and paled within seconds.

Yes, he did compare me to his wife. "Your theory isn't working is it?"

He shook a little as he swallowed his bite down, panting to catch his breath afterwards. "Nope."

"I don't believe you thought that through." I decided not to press after he went to such a length just to avoid answering me the first time. I really didn't want to see him be ill.

That, and the smell would linger until we left. I wasn't sure I could stomach such a thing. How terribly annoying.

"Nah, you're right, I didn't. At least I was partially right though." He patted my thigh and I about jumped out of my skin.

I cleared my throat. "You were?"

"Yeah, the smell isn't bothering like before. At least you can eat it now." He left his hand on my thigh and rubbed circles with his thumb.

I glared at him. "Hand."

He frowned at me. "Hand?"

"Move it." I pushed the words through my teeth. He was one of the few people I allowed to get so close, even touch occasionally. But I had my boundaries, even with _him_.

He looked down, his eyes wide. He jerked his hand away with a nervous laugh. "Sorry."

I shrugged, happy that he at least complied with my demand. I returned my gaze to the food I held in hand. I picked up my chopsticks and paused.

"I'm fine,tsch. Go ahead."

Without looking back to him I ate, realizing how hungry I had been after all. I could feel the muscles in his leg tighten, but I continued. I would find a way to make this up to him.

Halfway through my dinner, I felt a hot, soft pressure on my thigh, and I shifted my gaze down to the offending hand.

I carefully packed away what little was left of my leftovers, allowing the sick Hokage enough time to right his wrongs in the thoughts that he might not be in his right mind.

Very much so not in his right mind. I sighed as the sand once again formed the gourd around the food. His hand still lingered where it did not belong.

I would have to make up his kindness another day, for today, that man would be dying.

A slow and painful death.

I shot him a look through narrowed eyes. He barely had a moment to react, his eyes widened, his breath hitched.

Then he was tossed like a ragdoll against the cave wall at the other side. He hit with a thud, the sand used for the tossing buffering the hit and I could hear him groan.

I crossed my arms, watching him.

I didn't feel bad about hurting him this time, at least I had warned him first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a fluff chapter before the inevitable angst of the next few. Hope you enjoyed!


	11. The Incident - Gaara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded (anitipated?) chapter(s) of the 'incident' though more fun with sand to help balance it out. I can't help it, I love magic/abilities and I can only imagine that Gaara probably uses the stuff for everything. There has been a couple hints in the show that he might, and we're all know Naruto uses his clones for everything, so why not? I know I would if I could do any of that. Please read and review, and thank you to all my lovelies who are taking the time to read this.
> 
> I decided to release both parts of the incident together since they are essentially the same chapter just from two different perspectives, and they are the longest so far. Sorry for the wait, but I hope the large update was worth it.
> 
> °-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°-°

 

**Gaara**

I found myself watching Naruto as he slept again.  He was right about the boredom.  I had brought nothing with me to keep me occupied, and I found my mind wavering back to the extensive pile of paperwork I usually tackled while the rest of the world slept.  My secret to sanity as the Kazekage.  Full and complete insomnia.

I'm not sure how the other Kage handled the workload with normal human sleep schedules.  For me, the work was a way to distract myself.

A way to distract myself from, namely, the blond Hokage that was sleeping in front of me.  My weird obsession from childhood.

He hadn't spoken to me since I tossed him into the cave wall, not that I blamed him.  However, his incessant chatter at least made the time go faster, so without him speaking to me my boredom had time to fester.

I had made around fifteen figurines, six balls, a desk and a sand shower since he had fallen asleep.  How could he sleep so much?  It had already been three hours since he nodded off.  I sighed.  Nothing to do.  I couldn't really train here beyond the things I had already done.  At least, not without drowning the sleeping ninja who was avoiding me.  

Honestly, he should just get over it.  I padded him a bit with my sand so it wasn't that strong of a blow.  He should have expected it, groping at me like that.

Pervert.  I smiled at that thought, like he would ever actually look at me that way in the first place.  So not so perverted, but still unwanted.

I ran my fingers through my hair and groaned.  Disgusting.  I looked at the grease that my hair deposited onto my hands and brought my sand up to absorb it.  Try and look presentable and never be able to touch my hair again.  The sand swirled around my hands, scrubbing away the grease of my pomade.  It didn't take long to become clean, and decided to use the shower I made.

I removed my top after ensuring that the man behind me was still fully asleep and stood under the shower head.  I raised my arms up to my chest, my palms out.  I let the sand rain down on me, feeling the small grains tickle at my sand shield.  I took a deep breath as the sand recycled through the shower head and concentrated, allowing my sand armor to absorb and scrub at my skin.  I gritted my teeth as it scraped at my skin, cleaning me from sweat and dead skin.  A familiar sting erupted from my forehead as the sand left inside my scar changed out, making it throb back into life.

I let out a shaky breath.  Pain.  Physical pain.  It reminded me I was alive.  I didn't feel it often, that sensation of pain.  I had inflicted it upon myself _back_ _then_ when I had lost what very little that had been keeping me sane.

Then, for the first time I had been injured during a fight, not long before I had acknowledged _him_.  Uchiha.  The one who had injured me.  I had seen my own blood.  It still made my stomach twist at just the thought of it.  Not long after that...

I looked over at the sleeping man through the rain of sand that I had created.  After he had defeated me, I put every ounce of energy into being just like him.  Though, I could never be so happy, never smile so wide.  Never have that perfect family.  

I tore my gaze away as I tried to bury that dull ache in my stomach as my jealousy returned.  I had Shinki, my siblings, my nephew.  It was enough.  More than anything I could have hoped for.  

It was enough.  It should be enough.  It WAS.  

I shook my head, forcing the thoughts away.  I couldn't think like this, I was the Kazekage.  My family was all of Suna, they depended on me, and it was my place to protect and serve them.  My people.

I stopped the shower and pulled the excess sand from my body and hair, and I could already feel the odd tingle as it started to spike up.  Ah well, I would smooth it back down when I got home.

I tensed when I heard a mumble.  But... He was just sleeping.  Wasn't he?  I turned to look again, this time finding bright blue eyes fixed on me.  The fact that I was not wearing a shirt of any kind hit me like a brick.  I felt my entire body stiffen and my heart felt like it jumped up to my throat.  My eyes widened as his eyes met mine, an expression on his face I had never recalled seeing before.  I was horrified, I never felt so exposed.  Even with the sand armor in place, he would be able to see my body for what it was.  "Stop looking at me!"  The words squeaked out of my mouth before I could stop them.  I decided not to worry on my words as I scrambled for my shirt, the black cloth laying on the stone near my shower.  It flew up at me with the aid of sand and I covered myself the moment my hands touched the fabric.

He hummed, a soft highly annoying sound escaping those horrid lips.  "Bashful." A single word, his voice was almost dark, unrecognizable.  

I wanted to crush him.  Reach my sand out, cradle him in it ever so gently, then disintegrate every bone in his annoying little body.  I felt a growl rise from my chest, my sand reacting to my mood, twitching on the ground beneath my feet.

He raised his hands up, his eyes widened when he witnessed my reaction.  The strange look dissipated from his face as he tried to calm me.  "Hey, hey, don't be so weird about it, huh?  Just an observation, I had no idea."

I narrowed my eyes at him.  "Turn around." An order.  I would spare him if he obeyed it.

He let out a shaky breath, revealing that he had been holding it when he waited on my reply.  "That I can do."  He flipped around, his hands on his knees and settled in cross legged.  "No worries about me now, go ahead." His voice had changed back to his normal cheery brightness.

I felt my anger fade, it ebbed away from my center and made me feel numb.  Numb.  I could handle numb.  The feeling was familiar and welcome, it made me feel whole.  I sighed as I raised my arms into the black cloth that would hide my body from the person I admired most.  Naruto Uzumaki. _Get a hold of yourself, it's just him, he could really care less what you look like._

"I'm descent, you can turn around."

He complied with the words and turned to me, an odd looking smile on his face.  He gave a sly giggle.

I vent a wave of apprehension.  "No.  Whatever you are thinking, I do not comply, or approve."  

"I was just thinking, not like I was going to do anything or anything." Anything or anything?  

"Naruto." I pinched the bridge of my nose.  "Once again, you talk too much."

He frowned at me.  "I've barely been talking since you unfairly tossed me aside like garbage." He pushed his lip out, his eyes narrowing into his fox like slits.  He was so moody he reminded me of a girl.

"You are hardly garbage, and you know this."  I was getting a headache.  Too much talking, I dislike long conversations.  I found them unnecessary.  "I don't have time for this."  Excuse.  One that usually would get me out of conversations, but it had become a reflex.  This situation, in this place, with this person, that reflex was a mistake.

"Really?  That's the best reason you got?  I mean..." He looked around then waved his hand in front of him passively.  "Don't get me wrong, but time's all we got right now."

I groaned.  Why had I wanted to spend time with him again?  "You desire me to try and boost your ego for the remainder of our time here?"  I really did not understand him.

"No." He frowned at me.  "Just...  I just want..."  He trailed off, his brows creasing in what looked like confusion.  He let out a frustrated noise from his throat, sounding similar to clearing it.  "Just nevermind already, Damn."

I tilted my head to the side as I contemplated how to respond to him.  I wasn't sure what he was asking or wanted, but I couldn't help but think that maybe I was missing some important social cue.

Life was so much easier when I just ignored and killed people without having to decipher 'feelings' and such. Maybe he was feeling ill again.  "Is there something I can do to help?"

His brow furrowed deeper.  "Help?  With what?"

I felt my face turn hot and I was thankful for my sand armor.  I couldn't however stop my eyes widening in embarrassment quick enough not to be noticed.  After so many years, I really wished I were better at these things.  I turned away from him, not wanting to see the resulting look that always inevitably came every time I attempted being a normal person in society.  Pity.

It annoyed me almost as much as when they looked at me with fear.  The first time I recall seeing Naruto, he had the look of fear.  Back then, it didn't bother me, he was nothing to me but another body to kill to confirm my existence.  But that was before.  

Before he had saved me, before he showed me that there might be other ways to prove my existence than with the blood and bones of those who were not myself.  Now, it would bother me.  If he were to pity my confusion, I might lose it.

"Hey, we can... We can just talk, can't we?  I mean, unless you don't want to, but if you do it would be kinda cool.  I mean we never really talk or anything, which is weird because we are friends and all.  I really don't know all that much about you, so..."

Mid way through his long winded spiel I looked back to him and noticed his face was flushed.  Was he embarrassed as well?  Nervous?

Maybe he was feeling worse again.  I sighed, once again wishing I understood things better and pulled him over to me with my sand, eliciting a surprised squeak from him.  I quickly turned my shower into a couch, deposited him onto it and I smoothly sat down next to him as he scrambled to regain his bearings.  He looked a little paler than usual and I groaned.  I muttered out some kind of apology as I leaned over to him.

"What the hell?"  His eyes were wide and he leaned back away from me as I drew nearer.

"You are unwell, your face is flushed."   _How many times must I tell him I notice this?_  It was becoming annoying.

"I'm, I'm..." He stammered a moment then took a deep breath, closed his eyes a moment and I noticed his hand grip at the sand below it.

 _Hiding_ _something_.   There was a burning in my chest.  Did he not trust me?  Was it something so terrible he wanted to spare me of it?

"If you are going to lie to me, don't bother."  My voice was ragged, hoarse.  It felt like... I would cry?  What nonsense was that?  What reason could I possibly have to do such a thing?

Without warning he lunged at me, his arms tightly wrapping around mine, effectively pinning me to him.  I held my arms out, my hands flexed.  A gasp exited my lips as his head rested on my shoulder.  The sand of the couch I had made buzzed to life at my surprise and agitation his movement had caused.  

It hadn't rushed to stop him from doing this, so what he was doing to me couldn't be ill intentioned.  Wait...  I thought back to watching how people would interact, and...

Hugging me.  He wasn't letting go, even though it was one sided and he had my upper arms pinned down, I concluded that must be what he was doing.  "Hugging me?"  Beyond the contact we had during battles sand here at the cave, our physical contact was usually nothing more than awkward, highly anticipated handshakes.

"I'm sorry.  I can't tell you, I just... I _can't_."  His arms squeezed me tighter and I could hear him breathe in through his nose.  His hands flexed between my shoulders then gripped at me, his fingers curling into me.

I could feel his warmth through the layer of sand that covered my skin.  He was like my personal sun, delivering warmth and light.

What was I thinking?  "Naruto..."  Why had I not pushed him away yet?  I hated being touched beyond my family.   _He's_ _different_.

Why?

"I should have hugged you sooner."  His voice vibrated into my neck and sent a strange shiver down my spine and caused my throat to constrict.

A tingle formed in my stomach, yet another foreign feeling to me.  The feeling wasn't entirely unpleasant.  Was this why people hugged?  Maybe I would allow my siblings to do this if this is the feeling that would result.  My hands twitched.

I should return it.  Bring my arms down and wrap them around my friend.  It wouldn't be difficult, such an act.   _Come on now, I can do this_.  I needed to do this.  I concentrated on my arms willing them to move.  They twitched.  There, progress.   _Just a bit more_...

Slow but sure they lowered to him until my hands were spread onto his back, mimicking his own on mine.  I brought my arms in and gave a small squeeze, leaving the pressure constant.  I felt his body tremble a moment after I completed the movement, followed by a soft sigh.

We sat like that for a while in silence.  I found I didn't mind it at all.  I felt oddly warm, and not just from the contact points where his body met my sand.  No, it was in my chest and I could feel it spreading.  Perhaps he was right, we should have done this sooner.

Before I was ready for it to end, he pulled back, the pleasant pressure faded and he sat back looking a bit sheepish.  "Hey, sorry for that, tsch."

I looked at him silently a moment, then drew my knee up to my chest and draped my arm on it loosely.  "Don't be."  It was all I could say.  I was still processing what happened in my mind.  Physical contact was a rare occurrence for me, and nothing had ever been so...

Close? Warm? Intimate?

My eyes widened at that thought.  That was not a word that I should associate with _him_.  Not with Naruto Uzumaki, the seventh Hokage of Konoha, happily married father of two.

Where was my head going with this?  It was a _hug_.  Nothing less, nothing more, a simple gesture of caring.  A hug.

For once I wished he would talk and break the silence.  Interrupt my own annoying thought process.  After all, intimate was far too close to romantic and...

Damn it.

"What in the hell did you want to talk about?"  I narrowed my eyes at him, willing my own thoughts to end their errant behavior.

His eyes sparkled in response and a large signature toothy grin followed.  "Everything!  I want to know everything."

The warm feeling faded and was replaced by a lump in my throat.  What had I just gotten myself into?  "Everything?"

"Yeah, tsch!  I hate that I don't know that much.  Like, what's you're favorite color?"

"Red."

"Let's see.  I know that you like salted tongue and gizzards..."He trailed off, his eyes looking upwards while he thought of his barrage of questions.  "What don't you like to eat?"

I sighed, knowing he would just push me until I have satisfactory answers.  Might as well be honest.  "Sweet bean jelly, well most sweets, but that in particularly I cannot stand."

He smiled wide at my answer.  "Hey, look at that, you're talking to me."  He gave his goofy sounding giggle and pulled his legs up, crossing one and standing the other up so he could face me.  "Birthday."

"January nineteenth."  I tilted my head, realizing I didn't know this vital information about him either.  "And yours?"

"You don't know either, huh?  Weird.  October tenth."

"I see."  It was strange that I hadn't known that.  We had been friends for more than twenty years.  I contemplated how little I really knew about him, how much I should know about him as a friend.  With that thought, this conversation was much more interesting to me.  What sort of friend didn't know the other's birthday anyway?  "Why did we not know that?"

"My birthday isn't exactly the most celebrated day in my village, you know."  There was a twinge of acid in his voice, a tone he rarely used.  His eyes moved away a moment while a brief shadow crossed his features.  When he turned back to me, he was again smiling, as though nothing had happened.

I decided to press him about it.  "Why?"  I realized that maybe I shouldn't have when he reacted to the simple question.

His smile fell with the question and his shoulders slumped.  "My birthday..."  He took a deep breath, "It's the anniversary of when Kurama attacked the village, when so many people died, when the fourth Hokage," a brief pause, "my dad, sealed him in me in exchange for his life.  It was the one day a year that I wouldn't leave my apartment because if I did, they would..."  His voice faded away as tear fell from his cheek onto the back of his hand.

I reached out and touched it, letting it soak into the sand around my fingers, to become part of my sand.  I looked idly at my hand where I could feel the tear linger.  "Even in this way we are similar.  My birth marks the day I stole the life of my own mother, the day was never celebrated in my youth."

He looked back up at me, his eyes glistening with tears that had not yet come.  His face did not hold the glow that was there most of the time, but it was more serious looking, sad even.

The face that had broken through my own resolve all those years ago.  I hated that face.  I had to fix it somehow.  "I did not mean to upset you."

"Hey, I'm just fine, yeah?  It's not like I'm a crybaby or anything, something must have gotten in my eye, you know?"  He brought his arm up and wiped at his eyes.  The smile that followed wasn't a big one, but a softer more genuine smile.  "Wouldn't ya figure?  I've been Hokage for almost ten years, and I still freaking cry over that crap, tsch."

"The wounds of the heart are the hardest of wounds to heal."  I looked away from him, my own memories surfacing with those words.   _Talk_.  Isn't this what I really wanted?  To bear my soul to the only person who could ever understand me at all?  "I wonder..."  I stopped.  My throat constructed around the words I wanted to say, or felt that I needed to say rather.  I really could take those memories to my grave, the ones of countless screams, of hatred and fear.  Those of betrayal.  

I sometimes despised people and their nature.

"Gaara?"  I brought my eyes back to look into his own bright blue eyes, slightly clouded from his own memories.  The thing that bound us, the thing that made us closer, was that pain.  I understood him better than anyone he knew, and the same was true for him towards me.  We never needed words, never needed anything to see that.  

Yet.

Maybe this was why I craved to spend time with him, to talk.  Perhaps that is why.  So I should.  I took a deep breath through my nose in a futile attempt to calm my nerves.  "Yashamaru, I wonder if he actually hated me."  I darted my eyes to the fire to avoid his soul eating eyes, "It was overwhelming when I found out my mother actually died loving me.  But, how much of what he told me back then were lies?  I waver between thoughts of it.  Did he really want me dead, or did he have faith that my mother's love and my sand would protect me from him?  It's a question I will never know the answer to."

Naruto gave a small hum in response.  Nearly a minute passed by before he spoke again.  "Sometimes I feel guilty for not knowing.  I only found out the reason why everyone hated me so much not long before I met you.  That I mighta mentioned before but...  I also feel guilty for being thankful that I didn't have extended family to take care of me."

I looked back up at him, back into those piercing eyes that were fixed on me.  "You think you would have ended up like me."  It was a truth, not a question.  I was responsible for the deaths of hundreds before I had met him.

"It wouldn't be a stretch.  If Iruka hadn't..." He trailed off, leaving that sentence hang in the air with a weight that would crush most people.  Iruka was his salvation, he was mine.

This time I hummed in response.  There are no such things as comforting words to such statements.  These statements that neither of us ever talked about.  It was almost a relief to finally say the thoughts aloud.

"Hey Gaara," he took a breath, "What's it like anyway?  Not having him."

My eyes widened a moment in surprise.  It wasn't something I would think he would bring up.  Normally he avoided anything associated to my untimely death.  "Silent.  Mostly silent.  No more whispers of hatred or begging for me to feed him blood.  Sometimes, I just feel empty, as though a piece of me is missing."  Shukaku.  "Is it strange that I miss him sometimes?"

"I don't think so." A pause,  "There was a time I would have given anything to get rid of Kurama you know."  He smiled wide, his teeth showing.  "But now, he is part of me and he is pretty awesome.  We make a great team, tsch!"

I felt my lips curl upwards at that.  Leave it to Naruto to befriend a demon.  I wondered if I had kept Shukaku if we could have ever made it that far.  Or if he would have just eaten me alive until I lost control and killed everything.  I sighed.  Sometimes maybe it was better to not contemplate that which might have been.

"Say, I made you smile, heh."  He leaned back, twisting around until he was sprawled out on the couch.  "Hey, how come you never got married anyway?  From anything I've ever seen you are pretty popular with the ladies back in Suna, heck I have heard girls talk about you in Konoha.  They think you'd be quite the catch, ne?"  A small giggle escaped his lips and he looked up, his eyes staring up above him.

Had I never mentioned Hakuto to him?  My horribly failed attempt at marriage.  The dark haired beauty flashed through my mind.  Her smile, her fear.  She had been afraid of me back then, when I crushed the men who attacked, when she thought I would kill her for running from me.  No, I did not want to see that fear again, not from someone who was meant to love me.  Love... I glared at the man next to me.  "I have no interest.  I will not goad any woman into marrying a monster."

His muscles tensed and he slowly brought his gaze to mine, narrowed eyes meeting narrowed eyes.  "Damn it Gaara, you are not a monster.  How many times do I need to tell you that?  Hell, I am the only one out of us that actually still has a real inner demon now, tsch."

"You never have killed people just for a little bit of amusement.  Demon or not, that still makes me a monster."

"Do you still...?" His question was left open.  I knew what he meant.

I wanted to keep quiet, let him think that I truly have changed.  No I didn't go around just killing people when they annoyed me anymore, or when they looked at me, or when they just happened to be near when I was in a mood and wanted to feel someone convulse as the life left their body, their blood soaking into my sand, the feel of their life entwining into my own, confirming my own sick existence.  I shuddered at the memory and wished that the shudder was caused by being repulsed of the memory rather than the pleasure it brought.  Why couldn't I be more like him?  "When I must, but yes, I still enjoy it.  I just control those urges better now.  I have never fully been free of that."  There, I said it.  Monster.  I kept my eyes on him, waiting for the disgust at the knowledge of my little secret, the fear.

It didn't come.  Instead, a small hum came from his lips.  "At least you just kill the people that attack, and then it isn't all of them.  I have seen you spare some that you felt had good reason to attack.  It must be hard for you."  He paused, a strange devious grin spread on his face.  "Still though, you have never had a girlfriend or anything?"

I growled at the subject change.  "A fiancée once."

His eyes widened.  "Really?  What happened to her?"

I sighed.  "She ran off with another guy, she never wanted to be married to me in the first place.  I will not force anyone to marry me, Naruto, no matter how lonely I get.  I have Shinki in my life now, for me that shall be enough."

"Hmm, so you did have an interest in girls then."

I couldn't stop my face from contorting at that statement.  What was he implying of me?

He outright laughed.  "Sorry, I always kinda wondered, you know?  I have never seen you with anyone, and you always look a bit murderous at the girls that follow you around.  Never thought you would be into... well, anyone actually."

"Into... Anyone?  What do you mean?" I tilted my head and trained my face back to normal.

He laughed again, causing me to frown.  "I mean, I didn't think you would even want to be attached.  It just surprised me that you entertained that idea.  Other than that though, you have never dated or say peeked in a bath house or nothing?"

I wrinkled my nose at him.  Peek in on bathing women?  "Why would I do something like that?"

"Curiosity of course!  I grew up around Kakashi and the Pervy Sage, for me it was inevitable.  Besides, my sexy jutsus are my best jutsus!  The first ones I mastered."  He held up his fingers in a v for victory sign, his eyes narrowed into slits with a toothy grin followed by a small chuckle.  He always reminded me of a fox when he did that, a bit of the trait of his inner demon.

"Sexy justsus?  What the hell is a sexy jutsu?"  I regretted the words the moment I said them, knowing he would inevitably show me what he was talking about, and just the name of it was enough to make me wary.  I wasn't sure what he thought was 'sexy' but I was sure I didn't really want to know.  I was getting a headache from all the talking.  I would converse most with Kankuro, so this was new to me.

"I'm glad you asked!  You just wait, it's completely amazing, you know!"  He grinned, bringing his hands up to his chest.  "Prepare to be amazed, the original jutsu of one Naruto Uzumaki, the number one unpredictable ninja!"  With that he muttered his words with the hand signs that brought his clones, roughly fifteen of them in all.

"Naruto..." I kept my voice low hoping that he would take it as a hint not to continue on with whatever he was about to do.

There was a creepy smile that formed on his face and I backed away from him as he mouthed the next words.  "Harem Jutsu!"

There was a collective 'pomf' sound as each of his clones transformed.  All of them with his creepy grin.  All of them female.

Naked.  Female, Naruto.  Naked.  Very very naked.

Naruto, naked.

Very female.

Pretty.

Focus.

They called my name in a sickening sweet voice, raised their arms and came towards me faces flushed.

 _Panic_.  I could feel my heart race wildly in my chest as I scrambled backwards, falling over the back of the couch and fell hard on the stone beneath me.  "Naruto!"  My voice sounded too desperate, cracking midway through his name.  Him.  HIM.

The imposters surrounded me, all with his brilliant eyes, flowing golden hair, pretty.  Too pretty.

Focus.

I remembered that I was surrounded in sand before my mind disintegrated.  Without thought I rushed it to me, surrounding myself in it before they could reach me.

Darkness surrounded me from the bubble I had created but I had been too late, one of the clones made it through, unnaturally hot hands pressed onto my chest from behind, hot breath on my neck, it's very female anatomy pressed onto my back.  "N-Naru-"  A strange tingle started to creep up my hand, to my wrist, slowly working its way up my arm.

"Oh Gaara, don't you like me, hmm?"  The clone's voice was like audible honey, tempting me to lose control of myself, to give into the one thing I avoided most.

Hot skin, hot breath.  Beautiful.  Fate was cruel.

 ** _Yes_**. Yes I liked her.  There would be no denying that Naruto would have been a gorgeous woman, if he indeed looked anything like those clones he sent at me.  I needed to end this.  I created a spike and shoved it backwards into the offender standing behind me, and was rewarded with the sound of a popped clone.  I let out a shaky breath once it was gone and I was alone.  Damn it.  Imagine that, my very own obsession turned into a nude woman.  Sexy jutsu indeed.

I shook my arm as I worked at rebuilding my mind from the encounter.  That was definitely a dangerous jutsu, unconventional perhaps, but I could see how it could be effective.  Distracting.  I shook my arm again in an attempt to shake away the odd tingles that were shooting up from my hand, it was nearly at my shoulder already.  Maybe I landed a bit too hard when I fell off the couch and  dislocated something.  I rotated my shoulder, but felt no pain or resistance.  That wasn't it.  Why did this feel so familiar?

I focused on that thought as I began to struggle for breath.  Why was this familiar?  The tingle dulled and I felt my arm raise up.  I didn't do that...

My eyes widened.   _Shit, not again!_  The memories flooded back to me as the sand shield I had created began to fall to the ground below me.  I couldn't move.  Again.  Just like when I had led everyone into the desert with an approaching storm.  I should have noticed what was going on with me sooner, maybe I could have run.  What was I going to do?  I looked out from the hole created in the sphere and seen surprised, happy nude Narutos, and one curled up in a writhing ball.  Wait... He was in pain?  What was wrong with him?  What was happening?  Why?

My feet moved forwards, my arm sweeping in front of me, making the sand move like a dagger.  Screams mangled with the sound of dispelled clones filled the air until the only one left was the groaning one on the ground.   Stop.  My legs moved forwards towards him.

 _Please_ , no.  Stop.  I could hear the sounds of my steps echo through the cave.  Say something.  Warn him.  I can't hurt him, please, I can't.  A lump formed in my throat.  I felt my arm move again and I struggled to keep it down.  No.   _I won't allow it_.  "No." I strained out of my throat, it tightening painfully as I did.  I can fight this.  "Naruto."

He was shaking visibly, but looked up at his name.  He looked at me a moment before his eyes widened.  He was fully clothed, but he was in his sexy jutsu form.  He flinched, an odd look passed through his features and he took a deep breath.  Dang, he looked too real that way.  A strange tightening formed in my abdomen.  "I- I'm sorry."  Sorry?  Oh.   _The clones_.

Another step.  He needed to get away from me, I was losing control of my arm.  I wouldn't allow myself to kill him.  I couldn't lose him.  Not _him_.  "RUN."  I ground the word out through my teeth through sheer willpower.  I could tell I was fighting a losing battle.

He rose to his feet and I saw his hands clench into fists at his sides.  He looked at me, directly into my eyes.  Tears.  There were tears on his face.  Then, he closed his eyes tight and muttered what sounded like another apology.   _DAMN IT, run_!  Why wasn't he moving?  I lost control of my arm and it swept out in front of me, my sand rushed towards him, grabbed him and threw him unceremoniously against the cave wall.  A low groan escaped his lips from the impact and a gasp escaped my own lips.  My arm stayed raised up, my sand surrounded him, holding him firmly against the stone behind him.  He was alive, thank goodness.  I just hoped he stayed that way.  Another step, then another.  I felt sick, my stomach churned while I thought of the things that might occur within the next few moments.  I couldn't control my own body, and now...

The tingling reached my head and my vision went blurry.  I felt numb, unable to stop myself from whatever I was about to do.  I felt dizzy, unable to discern anything that I was doing.  I was moving, I was standing, yes, I was standing.  The only thing I could think of was that I was grateful for my sudden loss of senses.  Everything was dull, flashes of feeling in spurts.  I could feel that tugging sensation of my sand moving though my mind wouldn't focus enough to tell me what exactly it was doing.  I felt the pressure in my abdomen getting stronger, then I felt hot.  Hot, very hot sensations spreading through my body and I fought to catch my breath, as though all air was being sucked out of my lungs.  Just as I thought I could breath I screamed inside my head, shockwaves of sensations I had never before felt ripped through me, concentrated in my loin.  I wanted it to stop, it was too much, far too much sensation.  I felt my heartbeat rise, my own heat spreading to meet the heat that felt like it encompassed me.

Too much.

Make it stop, why can't I make it stop?  I wanted to cry, to run, to just escape this.

I barely registered a voice through the intense onslaught of feeling.   _Naruto_.  I couldn't make out anything he was saying, but I could hear the pain, the _fear_.

I could feel my heart as it tore apart in my chest.  This pain, this pain was more than I could bare and.

I felt my body tense.  My muscles felt like they would rip themselves apart at how badly I tensed, that odd pressure in my abdomen spreading, intensifying the feeling that was far too much for me.

My breath caught in my throat, it felt as through my heart would stop.

I must be dying.

Then the pressure released and I let out a silent scream as my entire body shook in response.  What happened, the hell?

My body trembled and was left with the sensation of falling, and I stumbled back as my senses slowly returned.  I fell to my knees as I gasped for breath, hitting the ground hard enough to feel the shock pulse through me, leaving me with a strangely pleasant jolt and a whimper escaped my lips.

I blinked myself back into consciousness. Whatever had just happened must have broke whatever hold was on me.  I dared look at the damage.  My relief at the fact that Naruto was still alive only lasted a moment as I worked to comprehend what I was seeing.  Sand was falling away from Naruto's body, which was somehow fully nude now.  He was slumped over.  My stomach churned violently at the scene before me.  He was crying silently, his shoulders were shaking from it.  But worst of all...

Worst of all was the blood.  It dripped through the sand onto the ground.  I didn't want to see this.  No.  This...  Why...  WHY?

My stomach emptied itself and I raised my hands, shaking uncontrollably.  What.  What have I done? Something between a yell and a sob erupted from my throat and my hands weaved themselves into my hair.  

Naruto fell from the sand onto his knees and cried out at the impact.  The pain in my heart grew larger at the sound.  I clenched my stinging eyes shut as the tears started.  I didn't want to see it.  It couldn't be.  

I dug my fingers into my scalp and crumpled onto myself. _What have I done_?

I hurt him.   _HIM_.  What had I done?

I reached out to my sand.  Make this stop, my heart...  The pain in my heart kept growing. _Make it stop_.  Even with my eyes shut I could see it in my mind.  The blood.  It came from him, trailed directly to me, flowing from...

My entire body retched and another crying sob came from my throat.  I've _RAPED_ him.   _HIM_.

Make it stop.  I could feel it, my sand.  It would help me.  I pulled at my hair.  I deserved it.  After this, I really was a monster.  A monster.

Monsters deserved to die.

 _Release me_.

I felt the spikes form around me as I began to hyperventilate.  I pointed them at myself.

I had to be stopped, punished.

I deserved it.

Because I had hurt my most precious thing.

 ** _Him_**.


	12. The Incident - Naruto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto's side of the Incident

**Naruto**

My mind was a bit fuzzy when I woke up. Laying still helped my stomach stay settled, though it was oddly better since I had sat so close to Gaara. I had practically mauled his leg to make the sickness stop. I probably shouldn't have done it, I got why he got mad at me. Not that he needed to throw me into a damned wall for it though. There was an odd sound echoing through the cave and for a little while I laid on the sand listening to it. It was a similar sound to static but softer and more melodic. I wanted to look to see what that bastard Gaara was up to, but I wasn't talking to him at the moment. If I looked, I would see, and if I seen I would ask. Then, my silence would be over and he would win.

Unless of course his aim was to get me to be quiet in the first place. If that was the case he had already won.

Bastard.

 _Fine._ Just a peek wouldn't hurt. I opened my eyes and sat up to see what he was up to. What I seen was a bit strange. Sand. Sand, freaking everywhere, but how it was everywhere was the strange bit. Three solid poles of sand stood in a circle, each looking like they were topped with some sort of shower head and sand was flowing freely out through them into a large cloudy sand spectacle. I watched the cloud for a moment, wondering what in the hell he was up to when the sand stopped pouring out of the three showerheads and the dust cloud began to settle. There, in the center of the clearing sand was a very fair skinned, very shirtless Gaara. Wait, was he bathing? In sand? That guy is really weird.

The sand continued to fall and I was treated to a side view of him as sand flowed out from his skin, from his hair that was now losing that sleek diplomatic style he had worn for the past decade. His hair almost immediately began to curl up and spike naturally and he looked just like back then, when we were still kids. I preferred his hair like that, loose and free. But then, that is how I preferred mine, so it was entirely a preference of mine. I bit my tongue as I looked at him, feeling the heat in my body rise as I stared at him without him knowing it. He was muscular, yes. I could see the muscles move beneath his skin as his arms moved, in his shoulders where the perfect porcelain skin covered them. But beyond that, he was soft looking. Not like me or most of the guys I knew, especially in the profession we had. It was obvious looking at him he focused less on physical combat. He was simply...

Beautiful. Not at all how I had imagined him to be. I always admired his skin tone, the red of his hair. Even more so after I found out that type of hair was in my family. I was jealous of his hair. I blinked, focusing back on the dangerous sight in front of me. Images of my wish flowed through my head, his hard muscular body from my dreams melted away into the strong yet soft reality that was presented before me. How in the hell could a guy be that freaking pretty anyway? "So stupid." I mumbled it to myself, wanting my thoughts to go back to normal. It had to be this weird jutsu, the reason those thoughts plagued me.

 _Shit._ He heard me mumble, his muscles rippled through his back as he tensed, he turned to looked at me and I was greeted with the half naked front of him. My mind went to mush. _Dang Gaara._ He was way too pretty for a guy. How in the hell was he not married already? Such a shame to put something like that to waste. For a moment he met my eyes and I found myself lost in the green depths of them. His eyes widened, an expression of shock crossed his face as he registered that I was staring at him. "Stop looking at me!" He practically squeaked out the words and I fought the chuckle that wanted to escape my throat.

Instead of the chuckle I hummed, not able to fully repress the sound that wanted to come out as his black shirt came up to him. He covered himself the moment the fabric was in reachable distance and I lost my view of him. Well, damn. "Bashful." The word was accusatory and damning. It came with the annoyance at the loss of my visual of his porcelain skin. I wanted to touch it, see if it was as smooth and perfect as the substance I always found myself comparing it to.

A strange sound began to form in the beautiful man's throat and I was brought out of my thoughts by the reality that I had just been lusting after Gaara, the one man that could easily murder me without ever moving a single one of those pretty hands of his. _Damn it Naruto, you are being a pervert._ The sand began to rise at his feet, swirling around, reflecting the pure murder that was starting to show in his eyes. The groggy thoughts that had followed my seeing the man I had been oddly fantasizing about for the past few days in that state of undress began to clear. My eyes widened at the realization of what I had done.

Dangerous. I had actually been staring at him. I wasn't dreaming, I was awake. Staring at him, and I had been caught.

I raised my hands in defeat. "Hey, hey, don't be so weird about it, huh? Just an observation, I had no idea." I almost laughed at myself. Don't be weird about it? I'm such a freaking hypocrite. I held my breath as I waited for him to decide my fate while the sand writhed beneath him. He was definitely angry at me for intruding on his privacy.

Not that there would be any in this place.

He narrowed his eyes at me, the sand slowed. "Turn around." His voice was deep and raspy and he looked as though he would actually consider crushing me to death if I didn't comply.

So touchy. I allowed myself to exhale, knowing that he would forgive me for being so damn weird. "That I can do." I obediently turned myself around on my little cushy pad of sand, acutely aware that the substance that made my resting spot could also be used to make it my final one. I drew my legs up, crossing them and rested my hands on my knees, determined to come across as compliant as possible. I felt a smile come to me, maybe I could get the guy to talk to me today. "No worries about me now, go ahead."

It wasn't long before he responded. "I'm descent, you can turn around." His voice was a bit softer now, the anger gone.

Thank goodness. I flipped myself around, a bit amused at his choice of words. Descend huh? As compared to what exactly? Hinata would say that to me sometimes when she was getting ready. Not that it mattered if I seen her or not, but she was shy. I giggled as I compared their reaction in my head. Why did I seem to have a thing for shy people?

He frowned at me. "No. Whatever you are thinking, I do not comply or approve."

Hmm? I blinked at his statement. What did he think I was going to do? "I was just thinking, not like I was going to do anything or anything." Not that I would tell him that I was comparing him to my wife in my head. That would go over well.

"Naruto." He said my name as though it were a sigh and brought his fingers up to the bridge of his nose. He was annoyed with me, great. "Once again, you talk too much."

I stared at him blankly a moment. Did he really just say that? I frowned, was I really that annoying to him? I mean really, why did he even stop by Konoha in the first place? "I've barely been talking since you unfairly tossed me aside like garbage." The thought he didn't want to be around me made a small lump form in my throat and I pouted at him, narrowing my eyes.

"You are hardly garbage, and you know this." There was a small pause, "I don't have time for this."

Wow, I really _was_ annoying him. Jerk. "Really? That's the best reason you got? I mean..." I waved my hand in front of me to help make my point, "Don't get me wrong, but time's all we got right now." I was starting to get irritated with him. All I wanted to do was talk and hang out with the guy. I mean, heck, I never really got to spend much time with him, like ever. Couldn't we at least get along for a few measly days while this storm went through? We were friends, right? _Weren't we?_

He groaned and I resisted the urge to hit him for it. "You desire me to try and boost your ego for the remainder of our time here?" He sounded sincere in that thought.

"No." I frowned, did he really think so little of me? "Just... I just want..." I trailed off, pursing my brows as I tried to think of how to phrase it. What did I want anyway? It was obvious I was just annoying him with my presence, dang I'm so _pathetic._ I gave an exasperated groan. Forget it. "Just never mind already, damn."

He tilted his head just slightly to the side in that cute annoying way he does, his face completely unreadable, no small passing expressions to try and decipher. I hated when he looked at me like that, it made him look even more like a freaking doll.

I was caught off guard with what he asked me next. "Is there something I can do to help?"

Huh?

I stared at him, completely confused, "Help? With what?"

His eyes widened for a millisecond and he turned to face away from me and I realized he was still standing in the pile of sand he had been bathing in. I stared at him a moment as I tried to piece together what had just happened. He seemed worried about me. Why? Oh, yeah, my stomach. At the thought it came back to life and twisted uncomfortably at the very thought of it. Maybe he wasn't as annoyed with me as I thought. I swallowed and took a deep breath.

I wanted to try to start the day over. "Hey, we can..." We can what? Quick, just say something. "We can just talk, can't we?" I felt my face get warm as I spoke, "I mean, unless you don't want to, but if you do it would be kinda cool. I mean we never really talk or anything, which is weird because we are friends and all. I really don't know all that much about you , so..." Babble babble, why did I always babble when I got nervous? _Why_ was I nervous anyway?

Because it was _him_ , Gaara. He was special to me, and I always felt like I walked on a thin layer of glass when it came to him. My friendship with him was sacred to me, and the possibility of screwing it up always freaked me out a bit.

He let out a soft sigh and I found myself lurching forwards, causing my stomach to clench violently at the sudden movement. The world blurred and I tried to right myself into some kind of sitting position and found myself looking up at the man that had been on the other side of the cave just a mere moment ago. I fought to catch my breath at the reminder of how sick I really was. I grabbed onto whatever it was that I was now sitting on. A couch. Made of sand. Dang, he's quick with that stuff. Amazing. He practically floated down beside me with a grace only he could possess, his eyes trained on me as he did.

I had the sudden urge to touch his hair. He was close. Probably too close considering what was going on. I concentrated on my breath, once again determined to regain some semblance of self control when I heard him groan. "Sorry, Naruto." Then, he was even closer, leaning in towards me.

Shit. "What the hell?" My eyes widened as he closed the distance and I forced myself to lean the exact opposite direction my body told me to. Oh, I wanted him to be close.

Dangerous.

Think of Hinata.

Hinata Hinata Hinata.

"You are unwell, your face is flushed." At least he stopped moving towards me at that.

It wasn't working. "I'm, I'm..." I stumbled on the words, working at clearing my head of the dizzying thoughts of all the things I shouldn't be doing, or hell, even _thinking_ , concerning my friend who was more worried about me than he should be. Wouldn't he just be horrified if he really knew what was wrong with me? I gripped the sand beneath my hand. I needed to control my mind, focus on something very, very not Gaara. Like... Like what?

"If you are going to lie to me, don't bother." So much for that, my attention snapped back to the man in front of me. He sounded so tired then, as if he would... As if he would cry? His voice was deeper, more ragged than normal, his eyes slightly down.

I could cause Gaara to cry? Every hesitation left me in that moment. No, I couldn't let him, he deserved only to smile. I had to fix it, I had to control myself and fix it. There was no choice. I leaned forward and brought my arms out and sweeping them around his body. I squeezed tightly as I felt his muscles harden beneath me, a surprised gasp at the sudden contact left him. I could feel the sand beneath me move, but not enough for me to be alarmed.

He stayed stiff for a small while, just breathing, his arms flexed out while I hugged him tightly.

"Hugging me?" His voice was a little shaky, unsure sounding.

The question broke something in me. Had he really never received more than a simple platonic hug? A hug that could melt away fears and comfort hurts away? I decided not to answer, knowing how sensitive he could be about anything that many would consider normal, and that he himself had never experienced. Somehow, I felt glad though that it was me to be the first one.

It was selfish of me.

My eyes widened as the reasons why I shouldn't be doing this flooded back into my mind. Gaara, wish, danger. He was reacting because I haven't told him. It was something that I couldn't tell him, I could lose him. That simply was not an option to me. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you, I just... I _can't._ " I squeezed him tighter, hoping that the gesture would be enough to appease him. It brought me closer. Touching him, so close. I breathed in through my nose, my head practically on his shoulder and worked at memorizing his scent.

Dangerous. I shouldn't even be touching him.

I flexed my hands between his shoulders, noticing how hard his skin was beneath his clothes. Sand. He was always covered in that sand armor of his. I dug my fingers in, wondering how much he could really feel beneath all of it.

"Naruto..." He twitched just a little beneath my hands.

I shouldn't be touching him. I wanted to. I buried my face into his neck, which was bare and it felt like sandpaper. "I should have hugged you sooner." Years sooner. He twitched beneath my hands again, and I felt his arms move. Bit by bit I felt the pressure of his arms lowering onto me from around my middle until his hands met my back, his hands flexed and his fingers dug into my skin there. I felt a shiver run up my body and I sighed from the pleasure of it. Yes, this was dangerous, but dang, I didn't want it to end yet.

I pressed my limits, forcing myself to be still in his arms, enjoying his very presence. He was warm, comforting, perfect. I sat like that a for a while, allowing us to just be. Then, my chest burned some, that odd burning that started everything. I was overwhelmed by the urge to press my lips into his neck and...

I sat back from him, breaking the contact. Close, too close. I smiled at him, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Hey, sorry for that, tsch."

He kept his eyes on me, his face in that unwavering mask. He drew his knee up to his chest and draped an arm across it, his hand loosely hanging over it. "Don't be." He continued his blank stare, his features carefully schooled the way he liked them to be. Sometimes it was hard to catch his expressions, he rarely showed them and most were fleeting at best. So I watched him while I willed my body to behave itself.

Things were getting oddly fuzzy though, like there was a small buzz that wrapped itself around my head.

His eyes widened for a brief moment. I almost didn't catch it, it was gone as quickly as it had appeared on his face. I wondered what it was he was thinking about.

"What in the hell did you want to talk about?" His eyes narrowed and I wasn't sure if he was irritated at me, or himself.

But that didn't matter. He spoke to me, he initiated it. That within itself was a victory in need of celebrating. I was not going to lose this opportunity. I felt like jumping up, but I settled for the biggest smile I could muster. "Everything! I want to know everything."

The look of irritation grew on his face. "Everything?"

This would be the perfect distraction. "Yeah, tsch! I hate that I don't know that much. Like, what's your favorite color?"

"Red." His voice was flat, but his answer was quick.

I was on to something this time. "Let's see. I know that you like salted tong and gizzards..." I trailed off and looked up at the flickering lights of the flame as they danced on the rocks above me. What to ask? "What don't you like to eat?"

He sighed, but answered almost as quickly, "Sweet bean jelly, well most sweets, but that in particularly I cannot stand."

I smiled wider with his answer. Finally, I was getting somewhere with the guy. "Hey, look at that, you're talking to me." I giggled a bit and pulled my legs up to get more comfortable. I left one knee up, and let the other fall to the side and I fully faced him. Interrogation time. "Birthday."

"January nineteenth." He tilted his head at me, silent for a moment so I waited for what he would do. "And yours?"

Oh, he wanted to know mine too? A small fluttering warmth filled my chest as I realized he too may have been a little curious about me as well. "You don't know either huh?" Hadn't I ever told him? "Weird. October tenth." Oh right, I locked myself in most of my birthdays. It wasn't anything special.

"I see." His eyes remained blank but a barely noticeable frown formed. "Why did we not know that?"

I thought that was a bit obvious. My birthday wasn't exactly a celebratory thing, I always just figured it was better to leave that particular subject alone, considering he had it worse than I did. Thinking about it turned my stomach, how easily those memories came back. "My birthday isn't exactly the most celebrated day in my village, you know." I looked away from him a moment, feeling that sickening sensation I always got when I remembered birthdays from my past. There was a hole in my heart from that, one that never seemed to want to heal, no matter how much I tried. Deep breaths. Smile. I'm fine. I turned back to him, satisfied I had corrected my mood.

"Why?"

Seriously? The thin mask I had reconstructed fell immediately and the pain in my chest spread just a bit and a knot formed in my throat. I felt heavy at the thoughts that were running through my head. Well, I wanted to talk. Yay. "My birthday..." I took a deep breath. I should be the example, talk about the things I normally would avoid. For him. "It's the anniversary of when Kurama attacked the village, when so many people died, when the fourth Hokage," Too informal, "my dad, sealed hi in me in exchange for his life. It was the one day a year that I wouldn't leave my apartment because if I did, they would..." My voice gave out. No, that I couldn't say. It was too much, these memories. I hated them. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, and then cool wetness of it falling onto my hand. They hated me back then, I didn't even know why. They would throw things at me, call me an abomination. They would yell at me that it would have been better if I were never born. Freak. Monster. Worthless.

I used to think that if I gained their respect those memories would disappear or something. No, not even close. Remembering always made me think that most of my village was made out of hypocrites.

I was brought out of my darkness when fingers brushed the back of my hand where my tears had fallen. "Even in this way we are similar. My birth marks the day I stole the life of my own mother, the day was never celebrated in my youth."

I looked up at him, not bothering to replace the mask I wore of my own making. My eyes stung from the tears I was trying not to shed and he looked blurry to me. _Smile Naruto, don't let them see you cry._ My mantra from childhood. I hated letting them see what they did to me, I didn't want to give them the satisfaction.

"I did not mean to upset you."

But Gaara... No, he could see it, he would understand it. He wouldn't pity me or get upset by it. That simple knowledge helped bring me back up out of that pit I found myself teetering on far more often than I ever cared to admit to. "Hey, I'm just fine, yeah? It's not like I'm a crybaby or anything, something must have gotten in my eye, you know?" I raised my arm up, wiping the tears away from my eyes. _Get a grip already._ I let my lips curl upwards into a small smile. He would see through my usual one anyway. Same as he would see through my usual excuse when I slipped my façade. "Wouldn't ya figure? I've been Hokage for almost ten years, and I still freaking cry over that crap, tsch."

"The wounds of the heart are the hardest of wounds to heal." This time he looked away from me and I caught a ghost of a pained expression on his face. "I wonder..." He trailed off, his voice sounded strained. I could see his lip tremble after his silence. I knew some about when he was a kid. What they did to him always pissed me off. I had a cakewalk compared to him. I knew that since he was six he was constantly fighting for the right to keep living, forced to kill the assassins that were meant to end him. Starting with own freaking uncle.

"Gaara?" _Come back out of that place, it isn't worth it._

He looked back to me, his eyes meeting my own. We stared at each other for a few minutes, a slight twitch of his eyebrows the only indication of what might be going on in his thoughts. So many thought him emotionless, but I knew better.

He just didn't know how to deal with any of them, they weren't necessary for surviving back then. That much even I could figure out. That, and he mentioned it once. It was probably more that he confided that in my actually, more than me figuring it out. I was probably as bad as he was at figuring out what other people felt. Maybe worse.

My inner conversation was interrupted by the sound of Gaara taking a deep breath. He was ready. Maybe. I hoped. "Yashamaru, I wonder if he actually hated me." He moved his eyes and I felt the loss of that gaze, a strange sadness fell onto my chest as he did. "It was overwhelming when I found out my mother actually died loving me. But, how much of what he told me back then were lies? I waver between thoughts of it. Did he really want me dead, or did he have faith that my mother's love and my sand would protect me from him? It's a question I will never know the answer to." He visibly relaxed with the words that he spoke, as though a physical weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

I gave a small hum in response to him, there was nothing to really say to that. Yashamaru, his uncle that was the first Anbu assigned to assassinate him. The thought of such a thing made me feel sick. Family. They should be there for you, love you. But in his case... His father and his uncle helped make his life a living hell. What would have my life been like had that happened to me? Would I have been strong enough to come through it? "Sometimes I feel guilty for not knowing. I only found out the reason why everyone hated me so much not long before I met you. That I mighta mentioned before but... I also feel guilty for being thankful that I didn't have extended family to take care of me."

His eyes finally returned to me, directly to my own. I loved his eyes. "You think you would have ended up like me."

Or worse. "It wouldn't be a stretch. If Iruka hadn't..." I trailed off fearing that I would be crushed by the could have beens. Iruka Sensei, if it weren't for him, I would either be dead, or possibly worse than Gaara had been when his only reason to live was to kill for his own existence.

He repeated my hum from earlier, another thing that really had no real response. I studied him a moment. I wonder if he would answer _that_ question. The one I always avoided but wanted to know so badly. I hated thinking of him not having his demon, if only because I would remember every time how his body felt and looked when there was no life within it. Dead. He had been dead.

I repressed the shudder that came with that thought and I tried my luck. "Hey Gaara," Deep breath, courage, don't think. "What's it like anyway? Not having him?"

His eyes went wide, but he did not hesitate to answer. "Silent. Mostly silent. No more whispers of hatred or begging for me to feed him blood. Sometimes, I just feel empty, as though a piece of me is missing. Is it strange that I miss him sometimes?"

My hand went to my navel. Life without Kurama? It wasn't something I wanted, not anymore. "I don't think so." I thought back to before and during the war, how I hated him for so long, how I blamed him for my stupid life. "There was a time I would have given anything to get rid of Kurama you know." I smiled, remembering how we came to terms, how every so often I would just contact him, have conversations. "But now, he is part of me and he is pretty awesome. We make a great team, tsch!"

A soft smile curled onto his lips and I felt a strange tingling in my stomach. "Say, I made you smile, heh." I tossed my legs to the side, satisfied with where we left it and sprawled out on the sand. Dang, but his smile was amazing, I wished he would wear it more often, even if they were never all that big. It always was a win for him to do that, he deserved to be happy. Change topics, I should change topics. "Hey, how come you never got married anyway? From anything I've ever seen you are pretty popular with the ladies back in Suna, heck I have heard girls talk about you in Konoha. They think you'd be quite the catch, ne?" I giggled as I stared at the ceiling, watching the flickering light on the stone. My comment was meant to tease, nothing serious. I mean, Gaara wasn't exactly the kind of person I could really see with anybody. He was the most unsexual person I knew, I had never even seen him look at a girl, at least, not THAT way.

"I have no interest. I will not goad any woman into marrying a monster."

Huh? What the hell just happened? My muscles tightened as I realized I may have made a mistake with that question. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him. Monster? Hell no. "Damn it Gaara, you are not a monster. How many times do I need to tell you that? Hell, I am the only one out of us that actually still has a real inner demon now, tsch."

He met my eyes with his own glare. "You never have killed people just for a little bit of amusement. Demon or not, that still makes me a monster."

Somehow, the way he said it made it sound like present tense. "Do you still...?" I really didn't want to finish the sentence. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know if he just went out and killed people because he wanted to feel them die.

He looked at me with that blank stare of his. Considering the open ended question, it was a bit more unsettling. He shuddered, took a deep breath then answered me. "When I must, but yes, I still enjoy it. I just control those urges better now. I have never been fully free from that." His face never changed, his voice in his deep raspy monotone.

Well, that wasn't so bad then. I hummed, "At least you just kill the people that attack, and then it isn't all of them. I have seen you spare some that you felt had good reason to attack. It must be hard for you." I meant that, considering he was a serial killer until we smashed heads when we were twelve. A stupid, stupid idea popped into my head and my mouth twisted upwards. "Still though, you have never had a girlfriend or anything?"

He growled at me, "A fiancée once."

What? I gaped at him at the confession. How did I not know about that? "Really? What happened to her?"

He sighed, "She ran off with another guy, she never wanted to be married to me in the first place. I will not force anyone to marry me, Naruto, no matter how lonely I get. I have Shinki in my life now, for me that shall be enough."

I was floored by the information. Gaara? He would have actually gotten married? Gaara? "Hmm, so you did have an interest in girls then." Or in anybody. I honestly thought he would never want to touch another person.

He got the oddest look on his face, there was a widening of his eyes, his brows turned down slightly and the corner of one side of his mouth twitched upwards. Did he think that I was implying that he was into men? I couldn't stop the laugh that followed, if only for the fact that it was more likely that I had more of a problem in that regard, considering my small interest in him. Or not so small one. It was one that I had no intentions of exploring however.

"Sorry, I always kinda wondered, you know? I never seen you with anyone, and you always look a bit murderous at the girls that follow you around. Never thought you would be into... well, anyone actually."

"Into... Anyone? What do you mean?" He tilted his head, his face back to the emotionless mask of before.

He was just to innocent for his own good. His naïve question made me laugh again and he frowned at me. "I mean, I didn't think you would even want to be attached. It just surprised me that you entertained that idea. Other than that though, you have never dated or say peeked in a bath house or nothing?"

He wrinkled his nose, "Why would I do something like that?"

He really was too innocent. "Curiosity of course! I grew up around Kakashi and the Pervy Sage, for me it was inevitable. Besides, my sexy jutsus are my best Justus! The first ones I mastered." I gave a victory sign with my fingers and I gave my best smile and I let out a laugh.

"Sexy jutsus? What the hell is a sexy jutsu?"

"I'm glad you asked! You just wait, it's completely amazing, you know!" I couldn't believe I had never used that on him before. Heck, I even had used it on Killer B once. Not that it mattered, he barely even noticed. I wonder if Gaara would be the same. I grinned and brought my hands up to make my clones. "Prepare to be amazed," and possibly disturbed, "the original jutsu of One Naruto Uzumaki, the number one unpredictable ninja!" With that I finished the sign bringing forth my clones, about fifteen for this one.

"Naruto..." His voice was low and threatening, as if he knew what I was just about to do.

He wouldn't get out of this that easily. Not a chance. The side of my mouth lifted. No, I was going to torture the guy. "Harem Jutsu!"

I heard the familiar 'pomf' as my clones turned into pretty versions of me, and ended with me doing my own transformation jutsu.

Mistake.

Hell.

What the hell.

I fell to my knees as pain seeped into every fiber of my body. I whimpered as it coursed throughout my body. What was going on?

I struggled to catch my breath, falling further onto myself. I barely registered to sound of a small commotion ahead of me. What was I doing again?

Pain.

Like a million daggers being dragged through my body.

Breaking every bone.

Ripping apart every muscle.

My body began to tremble from the shock of it, uncontrollably.

Breath, just breath.

This had to pass.

I took in a shuddering breath, when my mind flooded with memory.

Sweet words, the feel of a muscular chest, the scent of _him_. The shock of being bludgeoned by a sand spike to the head.

Oh.

That is what I was doing.

I needed to...

I needed to get past this. Breath, ignore the pain, ignore the pain.

"No." Gaara, his voice was strained, almost painful.

 _It was happening._ The realization struck me like a hot iron. What had I been thinking?

"Naruto."

I forced myself to look up at him. Bits of sand rolled down his skin, his body looked tense, his muscles straining as he moved towards me. I needed to stop him, he was losing control again. This damned jutsu. It was hurting him. I flinched as a pain shot though my body and I took a deep breath. "I- I'm sorry." Sorry for making you hurt, sorry for making you lose control. Sorry that I fantasized about you and getting you involved in something that you shouldn't be involved in.

He moved closer, and I could tell he was fighting the movement, trying not to do whatever his body was making him do. He gave a small whimper followed by a gritty "RUN." He was shaking, his breath ragged.

I rose to my feet, hating that I had done this to him. My body hurt still and it took every once of will power to even move that much. I couldn't do it. I thought I would be able to stop him, but I could barely even stand. I clenched my fists as tears formed in my eyes, then fell. He moved closer and I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing that any moment he would reach me. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't bear it. He looked afraid. I hated that. I'm such a fool. "Forgive me." I whispered it, not even sure if he could hear me. Before I fell back to the floor I was hit hard with a wave of sand and tossed hard against the cave wall, a groan forced its way out of my throat at the impact, a shock of pain coming from where my back hit the stone. I expected to fall, but was held in place by the sand that had just thrown me. I refused to look and kept my eyes shut.

What a freaking fantasy. Lets torture Gaara, and myself, what a great day that would be. Damn.

The sand moved around me painfully, it felt as though I was being wrapped in sandpaper. I hissed as my body burned, and then it hardened around my legs, pulling them, forcing them apart.

My heart about leapt through my throat. This was happening. This shouldn't be happening. Shit.

Pain.

I refused to open my eyes as a new pain shot through me, one I couldn't even fathom. I felt like I was going to be sick. I cried out, unable to hold my voice, this pain, it was worse than anything I had felt before.

In me.

He was IN me.

How was that even possible?

Then it was worse.

He moved. I couldn't stop the tears that came with that, it was too much.

My mind was blank but for the pain, the desire for it to end. I begged for it.

I pleaded with him to stop, wanted it to get through, even though I knew it wouldn't stop until my fantasy was done.

Sand. He was literally covered in sand. Everywhere.

It was like he was tearing apart my insides.

I could hear his breath as he panted out in what sounded like both pleasure and pain. Gaara...

My heart felt like it was ripping in two, just like my body.

Then, the movement stopped with a final thrust of pain, what I could feel of his body tensed then trembled.

Then it was over.

I sobbed. It was over. Everything was over. I felt myself slump forwards without him holding me up. The sand began to fall away from me and I heard a whimper sound in front of me. Gaara. Please be ok.

I heard him retch just then, followed by the most horrible sound I had ever heard. It was primal, painful, it was my fault.

I fell from the sand and couldn't stop the cry that came from the impact. SHIT, I was seriously in pain. I fought to regain my composure and looked up at Gaara, afraid of what I might find. He was crouched in front of me his hands tearing at his hair, and I felt my stomach flip when I realized that his lower half was covered in blood. Blood that trailed back to me and the small warm puddle that I was sitting it.

Well, damn. That at least explained the pain.

He dry heaved and started to sob, bringing me out of my shock.

Gaara.

My heart stopped as sand started to float around him.

What was he doing?

It began to condense and my eyes widened. What... What was he doing!

Spikes began to form around him, thin, long, very deadly looking spikes. Pointed at him.

No.

He wouldn't.

I won't let him.

I paled as a jolt of pain rushed through my body as I tried to move. I trembled.

No.

I can't lose him.

_Not again._


	13. Aftermath

**Naruto**

What in the hell have I done? 

For a brief, excruciating moment I sat frozen.  The scene before me was playing out like some movie while the sand gathered and condensed into what I could only assume were weapons.

Deadly weapons.

Many of them.

Pointed directly at Gaara.

My throat went dry.  My breath hitched in my throat.  My eyes widened.

He was going to kill himself.

I tried to stand again, but my damn legs wouldn't budge.

Gaara. He was going to-

 _Hell_ no.  I wasn't about to just sit here and watch my Gaara die for a second time.

This time there would be no Lady Chiyo, no miraculous recovery, no continuation.

Just a body. I would be alone.

My heart sped up at the thought of it, the sound drumming in my ears.

A massive lump formed in my throat and I began to hyperventilate.  I was running out of time.

I willed my legs to move, but the stupid things would only answer my attempt at movement with excruciating pain.

My legs wouldn't do what I wanted them to.

I trembled, my entire body giving into the shuddering that followed.

I couldn't heal fast enough to get to him.

I gasped.  I'm a freaking _shinobi_ , damn it, I had an arsenal of ways to get shit done.  I brought fingers into a sign and a clone popped up, grabbed me, pulled me to my feet and shoved me hard in the direction of Gaara.

I felt my heart skip at the movement.

Damn.

Damn damn damn damn.

I felt warm sticky liquid flow down my legs as I forced them to move, pain quickly becoming the only thing my mind wanted to take note of.  My stomach flopped in nausea as I managed a few steps, _enough_ steps, before I slipped in my own blood and toppled directly onto my target.  My vision went blurry a moment and I involuntarily hissed out from the impact. 

I wrapped my arms around the body I fell into as quickly as I could, before he attempted to discard me and I clung onto him for dear life. 

Partly so that I wouldn't let him go, partly because I was feeling seriously dizzy and was losing sense of which way was up or down.  Passing out right then, wouldn't be an option.

He stiffened the moment I hit him, and then he started to shake, violently and I could hear small whimpers coming from him.

I gripped harder at him, not caring about how much the sand beneath my fingers dug into my skin at the gesture.  Where was I clinging anyway?  It didn't really matter though, it was him, I was where I intended, so it didn't matter.

Right.  I had to stop him.  "Gaara,"  I groaned.  My voice was far weaker and pained than I was hoping for.  "I'm fine, don't you worry, ok?"  Considering that I sounded like death, and I was bleeding all over him, I highly doubted my statement was all that believable.

He gave an unintelligible sound and I felt hands on my shoulders, tightly gripping them.  "Get off me." His voice was tight and far too quiet.

I cried out at the movement of him trying to move me, even though I had not meant to. There was an odd feeling of something spilling out of me from between my legs, warm. _Hurts._ I clung tighter to him as I tried to ignore the pain in my body and the fuzziness in my head.  His hands were still on my shoulders, at least he wasn't trying to move me away anymore. _Stay awake_.  If I faint now, he will be gone when I wake back up.  It was something that I just knew.  I had to still him from reacting, figure out a way to calm him.

I had to do it now.

What to do.

_Can't lose him._

"I won't.  I'm not moving, you hear me?"

"I can't..." His voice faded and cracked.

I formed a fist, which was much harder than I thought it would be, I was starting to feel a bit numb.  I weakly hit wherever my hand was, my movement followed by another weird feeling of liquid leaving my body between my legs.  "I won't lose you again, it would kill me.  It would klll. Mmm." My words started to blend together, it was getting harder to speak.

_Well, shit._

"Naruto?" His voice was quiet.

"Promise, prms mmm" _Promise me you will live._

I was too late. My vision, I felt so numb. Why couldn't have I lasted a few more minutes?

"Naruto!"

I felt hot. Hot and numb. What a weird combo. Kurama?

I heard a voice as my vision blurred into darkness.

What was I doing again?

So tired...

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I heard the crackling of the fire first. Then, I felt the pain. I ached everywhere. Ached in places that I didn't even know existed. Especially...

My eyes flew open. Right. _That_ happened. Then...

"GAARA!" Was he still alive? Did I manage to get him to stop somehow? Please..

I went to sit up and whimpered before I could even get my shoulders up. It was as if something was weighing me down. "Man, that is rough."

"Stay still." A gravelly, very familiar voice came from my left. Thank goodness.

I sighed in relief. "You're alive." He didn't respond, I didn't expect him to. I really didn't care, he was alive. Heck, I was alive. Miracles.

I stared upwards, afraid to look over to him. For one, I wasn't sure I could face him after what I had done. For another, I was afraid how much my body might protest to it. Not that the second thing mattered too much, but I wanted to heal up as fast as possible. Knowing me, it wouldn't be long. I decided to look down, just to see that I was completely covered in sand. "Hey, what the hell? Why am I buried in sand, huh?"

I heard movement so I took a deep breath and looked over to him, knowing that I wouldn't be able to avoid the inevitable. He was sitting with his arms crossed, a look on his face that reminded me of when we were still teenagers. Troubled. It had been years since I seen that look on his face, the one that held a scowl and a set frown instead of that eerie porcelain serenity it usually held. I caused this. Me and my stupid, stupid wish.

My fault. My heart broke in that moment. "I'm sorry." I whispered it, though I didn't want to elaborate on the meaning of it. Would he finish me off if I told him the truth of it? That I had kept my wish to myself, and though I hadn't meant for it to come true I had essentially raped him?

Raped him...

He had been in me. _In_ me. How could that even be?

I was brought out of my thoughts by a growl. "Sorry, Naruto? Why would you be _sorry?"_ The man of aforementioned thoughts came into my view, obviously standing over me. "Unless you lost all cognitive thought with the amount of blood you lost, which is possible, the state you are in is entirely _my_ fault, not your own."

My mouth went dry. _You lost control because of me. ME._ "It isn't like you meant to. It was like before, with the storm, right?" Bluff my way out of it. He would kill me, or worse, never speak to me again. I wouldn't be able to live with that.

He nodded and leaned back, and I followed him with my eyes, daring to move my head as well. Not much pain, at least with that.

"Say, why am I covered in sand?"

"You're distracting, and also so you would stay put even if you woke up too soon."

"Distracting? What do you mean?"

He turned from me and waved his hand loosely next to his head. The sand obediently moved away from my body.

My breath caught in my throat and felt a small chill to what I seen. It couldn't be. I was still a bit bruised in places. More so on my legs and what lay between them.

But that isn't what made me freak out a bit.

It was more that I wasn't me. Not even slightly. "Distracting, huh? I can see why." I slowly moved my hand down my body, ignoring the small, dulling jolts of pain that followed the movement. Soft. My skin was oddly soft, my chest was no longer chiseled, but sported a small pair of breasts. Very small, very unlike my sexy jutsu, and further down, where something very vital was simply _missing._

What the hell?

I dared move lower, biting my tongue to keep from making any sounds when pain exploded through my lower abdomen at the touch. Gone, all of it gone. Instead...

I brought my hand back quick, as though I had touched a hot iron. _So that is how._

How could that even be possible? A full physical transformation, how could that even be? I mean, I've spent days as a woman for random assignments, but my junk always remained in place. Heck, I even got clobbered by Ino once for taking a wiz in her body where people could see.

Probably not my best idea, but hey, nature.

I groaned, "Man, this is just weird."

"Of everything that has happened, THAT is what bothers you most?" He threw the words over his shoulder, sounding almost like ice.

I glared at him. Hardly. "Not even. You think I forgot that freaking stunt you tried back there?"

His shoulders straightened as he tensed. He didn't say a word, allowing the silence to answer for him.

Whatever. "Just never do it again, this time I really want you to promise me."

"I did."

I blinked. "Huh?"

"I already promised you I wouldn't do it. At least, as long as you lived through it." He looked over his shoulder at me. "It took a while to soak up the blood, I couldn't look at it..." His face fell with those words. "So much, there was so much blood..." A look akin to terror briefly flashed through his features before settling on his previous look and he turned back away from me.

I remembered then the weird liquid sensations gushing from my body. Blood. Well, that made sense. "Hey, I'm alright, see? It would take a lot more than that to kill me huh?"

"Do you think that is what the aim for this was? For me to kill you?" He sounded tired.

I stared for a moment. "To... Kill me?"

He gave a slow, deliberate nod. "Yes. That, and possibly myself, if they knew me well enough to know I might lose it if I killed my own friend. Why else would I lose control like that? It is the only plausible explanation. I just can't figure out when someone could have gotten close enough to place a mind control jutsu on me."

So he had been thinking on scenarios of what had happened. That probably would have taken time, to not just get over the whole killing himself thing, but then stop worrying about me long enough to come to a fully logical conclusion. It was sound. Yet... "How long was I out?"

He regarded me silently for a while, then, "Nearly a day. From anything I can tell, the storm has just over a day left. Then we will be free of this place, and maybe we can learn who tried to kill us."

Kill us? Right, his theory. Damn, I couldn't tell him what really happened. He really would kill me. _Oh yeah, hey Gaara, you know how I almost died when you pinned me up against the wall and unwillingly had sex with me? Yeah, sorry about that, it was a weird fantasy of mine and I am the one that probably cast that mind control jutsu on you by accident, but hey, we are still cool right? How was I supposed to know you wore sand literally everywhere anyway?_

Yeah, that would go well.

So no, that I will keep a secret. My real question though, is how and why I am a woman. Still. After it is all done, and how in the hell was that even possible in the first place? "A day huh?" I was starting to feel hot again, however I knew this heat. My body was healing. The benefits of not having to exhaust my chakra constantly was that I healed without even trying to. With me awake again, I probably would be back to normal within the hour. I looked down at myself. Well, mostly back to normal, if that didn't right itself.

I mean, seriously, _how_? I have heard of people pulling off gender bending henges without notice, but this was a bit ridiculous. My gender bending ones were rather note worthy, although highly underappreciated. They were genius, if I did say so myself. However, I have never heard of one that actually switched the gender of the user. Literally. Even with the wish, this just didn't seem possible. Could the wish have actually done this, or was it my own jutsu gone awry because of the interruption to it? I shivered at the memory, and even more at the memory of what followed.

Gaara, his look of despair, him trying to kill himself, the pain of it all.

A sickening ache formed in my stomach. Of all the things to freaking wish for that would come true. What a damn mess. I took in a shaky breath. How could I fix this? Could I?

Would he ever be able to look at me without thinking of what he was forced to do to me?

I doubted it. This is what bothered me the most. Him, _Gaara_ , was my most sacred friend. I had to think of something.

He sat near me still, having turned back around without me noticing. He wore solemn look on his face, his arms were crossed loosely in front of him, a small wrinkle between his nonexistent eyebrows and the smallest of frowns ghosting on his lips. His eyes were trained on me, studying me. This wasn't the time to try and fix it. It would take time. Maybe later today.

Yes, later today. I should figure out how to fix this before the storm ends. My lips turn upwards at that thought. I knew I could figure it out, I was resourceful enough. I'm the freaking seventh Hokage after all!

I sat up in excitement. Then fell backwards to the sand. A small wave of pain shot up through my pelvis and into my stomach. Nope, not yet. "Too soon, tsch." At least, it was getting lesser. Sand crawled up my arms, then again around my body, blanketing me like it had before. I wriggled my hands in hopes that it would free me. Wait...

The cast was gone. "Hey, you took it off."

His gaze didn't falter, nor did he respond, he just kept staring at me with those eyes. They expressed his pain, his anger, his depression. Those eyes that held more emotion than he ever could reveal in his face. It is what drew me to him back then, when we battled. I would have killed him for them, my team mates, but...

I would have done everything in my power to save him. In a way, he was me. Me without them, me without the love that I had been given.

I had to protect him. It was such an odd concept back then, but the desire to shelter him only grew stronger. Not that he needed it, he's one of the strongest people I know.

And yet... This one time that it mattered most...

I groaned. I hate silence. I think too much when it's silent. "Oh come on, I'll be fine soon, you don't need to mother me."

Mother. I cringed the moment I said it. Not the best choice of words.

A small growl came from him and the blanket of sand moved off of me in an instant. He moved away from me stiffly and kept his back turned. That sick ache returned to my chest. Damn Uzumaki, you are such a dunce. Can't do anything right. I bit my lip to keep myself from apologizing to him. I could tell he just wasn't in the mood.

At least I was free to move though. I drew my arms up to my chest, realizing that at least my wrist had healed already. I grinned. Great, one injury down. I clamped my hands together and formed the proper sign. I concentrated on the way I was supposed to look, what parts were supposed to be where and began to concentrate my chakra. "Transform!" I felt the familiar puff of air that surrounded me when I changed. I smiled. "That should have done it." I bit my tongue as I forced myself to sit up, pleasantly surprised that the resulting pain that came from my pelvis was reduced down to a dull ache at the movement. It wouldn't be much longer before I was back to me. I looked down, expecting to see me the way I was meant to be.

Damn it. I looked the same. "What? Why the hell is this happening? I am not a damn girl. And where the hell are my clothes?" I swear I had been wearing them _before_. That shiver came back and I pushed the memory out of my mind again.

I felt like someone was watching me and I looked to Gaara, who was indeed watching me again. "I think I disintegrated them into my sand." His voice was monotonous, dark and raspy. It never ceased to amaze me how much his voice resembled the sand he controlled so well.

I blinked. Why did I keep getting distracted by these things? "Heh, yeah, Ok." I didn't want to think on the implications of his answer so I looked back down to my body to study it. Well, it wasn't the seductive curvy henge I usually turned myself into, but I was still very much a woman. I brought my hands up to my chest and grabbed the small breasts that formed there. Not too bad, Hinata had better though. These were just barely a handful, nothing to do anything with. I tried to juggle them and was surprised that in spite of their size they still bounced a little. "Not bad at all." Maybe I would make for a descent woman. Not that I was one, but hey, what a henge this would be if I could control it!

A strange squeaky sound erupted from the place where Gaara was and I had a sudden face-full of heavy red fabric. I grunted from the surprise of the impact and scrambled to look over the offending coat. Gaara was facing away from me again and looked more tense than he had earlier. "The hell was that for?"

"Put. It. On." His words were spat out and laced with murder.

What was his problem all of a sudden? "Fine, whatever." I Slipped my arms though the coat sleeves which were a tight fit even in this form. Wow, Gaara really was a slender guy wasn't he? I buttoned the coat to my waist, but couldn't go any further without standing. No, I wasn't going to tempt that idea just yet.

"There, it's on, happy?" I crossed my arms and pouted at his back. Then I giggled. I wondered how much I looked like him with my arms crossed while wearing his coat? "Aw, hell, I'm hopeless you know."

His shoulders dropped bit by bit back down into a relaxed position and a breathy sigh came from him. What was up with him?

I rolled my eyes. What wouldn't be? Just because I was okay with everything, didn't mean he would be.

My eyes widened. Okay... with _everything_?

My heart felt like it stopped beating and my breath caught in my throat. Really? I was okay with all that? What in the hell was my problem? The realization of that thought hit me so hard I struggled for air, pulling at the high collar that I just _had_ to button all the way up. Air, I needed air. I twisted on the sand as I hyperventilated. Maybe if I walked some... I placed my weight on my legs and moved forwards. The dull ache in my pelvis turned to stabbing pain and my vision went white a moment as I continued to frantically pull at the collar of the coat. I felt my legs buckle beneath me, but I continued to pull at the collar. I needed, I needed to-

Warmth, I was surrounded in warmth. It was the last thing I remembered before my vision blurred away the world around me.


	14. 'Fixing' Things

**Gaara**

I sat facing away from him, mulling over the day's earlier events, which kept playing in my head like some disturbing horror film.

Blood.  So much _blood_.  It wasn't so much the blood that bothered me, considering I practically bathed in it with sick pleasure as a child, it was _who_ the blood had belonged to, and that it should have simply remained in his body.  It belonged there, pumping through his veins, instead of...

I shuddered as the flashes of memory assaulted my mind. 

On the ground, on the wall, pooling in my lap.

Had I left it there, which I did not, thankfully, it would have looked like a murder scene.

It almost was, and if I had actually went through with what I had wanted at that moment, he would have soon followed me in death.  That was a certainty that left me feeling colder than I cared to admit, even to myself.

The events kept replaying in my mind, the emotions, the panic, all that blood.

I clenched my eyes shut, willing the thoughts away but to no avail.

_The sand continued to condense, forming spikes, many of them. If most failed, at least a few would be able to penetrate my barriers. I hardened them, formed them out of the hardest materials of my sand that I had in my gourd. Soon, soon my torment would end. I would go back to that lonely hell from before, just so as not to deal with life anymore. Naruto..._

_It was over._

_He would never look at me again._

_He would hate me. Fear me._

_I would fall back into the darkness._

_I had to destroy the monster that was me._

_Now._

_I readied them, gathering my chakra so as to move them quicker than my ultimate defense. Then a weight landed in my lap, heavy, it hissed and clung to the clothes at my hips, then wrapped itself around my abdomen. I felt my muscles tense and my world came crashing down around me as I opened my eyes to the bundle of blond hair and tan skin quivering in my lap. It didn't take long to take in a ragged looking clone where I had left him, who in seeing its objective was done, fell to the ground and disappeared. At the end of a large trail of blood which pooled in small sections between me and where I had attacked him._

_So much..._

_So much BLOOD._

_His._

_HIS!_

_My entire body shuddered in waves._

_I deserved pain._

_I needed it._

_I couldn't stop the sounds that left my mouth, my body shuddering at the need to die, but he only held onto me tighter, his fingers turning into fleshy daggers that dug into my sand armor. "Gaara."_

_I felt my stomach heave at the very sound of his voice. He sounded like death itself, pained, far too quiet and raspy. "I'm fine, don't you worry, ok?"_

_I gave out a half sob as my emotions came back tenfold with the sound of his voice, I grabbed onto his shoulders and I tried to shove him off of me. I deserved my punishment for this. "Get off me." I pleaded with him._

_Let me die._

_My fingers gripped harder on his shoulders and I was finally able to budge him slightly._

_And he cried out. I froze as it registered that at that slight movement I felt my legs getting soaked with something wet and warm. My sand wavered as my mind raced at what was happening, reason slowly ebbing back into my mind._

_Blood._

_He was still bleeding._

_"I won't. I'm not moving, you hear me?"_

_I gripped his shoulders tighter. He would die. He would die if I didn't do something._

_"I can't..."_

_Kill myself. Let you die. Face you._

_I felt a small thud against my side. "I won't lose you again, it would kill me. It woul-" His words became unintelligible and hard to understand as a new sensation of wet warmth coated my leg._

_No._

_"Naruto?" Answer me, please gods._

_"Promise..." More unintelligible words._

_His grip failed and his hands fell to the floor, a small sigh left him and I felt his full weight on me. My heart raced. "Naruto!"_

_He began to heat up, a soft sizzling sound following. The Kyuubi was working at healing him._

_"Don't you dare! Damn it Naruto, you can't die!" I quickly disintegrated the spikes that were meant to kill me and used it to maneuver him so I could work on him._

_I was the Kazekage. It was my duty to be able to heal and I was suddenly grateful for that training._

_I ignored the sick feeling that crept into my core at the sight of the damage when I opened his legs and placed my hands there. I felt with my chakra for the worst points of damage, taking note of sand embedded inside of his body and removing it, healing the wounds that they left behind._

_Stop the bleeding._

_The heat stopped and he became eerily still. "Naruto!" I pushed more of my chakra into him, forcing him to heal faster. "Come on, damn you. You **have** to live. You want me to promise?" More chakra... I need to give him more of my chakra. I strained as I gathered it, concentrating it to his body, to the places that had been lacerated by sand. I focused. I had to find it, the main injury._

_There... I forced my eyes upwards towards his face. "I shall make you a deal. You live through this, and I give my word I shall never again try to end mine. Not for as long as you live." Sand had embedded so deep into him that it had severed a few veins and had caused him to hemorrhage. If he had been anyone else he would already be..._

_It stopped. The bleeding finally stopped. I felt for his heartbeat. It was a bit weak, but it was steady, as was his breathing. I let out a breath of my own. Too close._

_He was alive._

_He would live._

_I would deal with the consequences when he woke._

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

It had been a few hours before I felt comfortable enough to divert my attention from him. First, I cleaned up the blood. All of it, every last drop, every stain, soaked into my sand. I cleaned myself, since I too was covered in his blood from the waist down. Remove the reminders, keep my mind clear, keep my promise.

Though, if he himself wanted to kill me for this later, I would not object.

It had been a few more hours after I had finished cleaning that I had realized that I had not in fact castrated my friend and bore a hole into his body in the process of what I had done, but he was in fact physically female.

Or at least, oddly in the process of becoming one. This realization was both a relief from not permanently maiming my friend, but also disconcerting in the same moment. When I had examined him first, the canal was there but nothing else, leading me to conclude that I had somehow managed to castrate him and mutilate his body, but the second exam later revealed that he was somehow growing a womb, and breasts.

That had made me a bit... _unstable_. My body reacted to him in ways I really didn't want to dwell upon.

So I covered him with sand. Not only did it hide the fact that he was currently female, it would keep him from moving the moment he had woken.

The rest of the time before he had woken was spent contemplating the reasons behind what had happened, replaying in my mind what had happened, how Naruto would likely hate me after he healed and gained some semblance of rational thought, and how I really wished I could just stop thinking.

Then he woke and wanted to freaking talk to me. Then continued talking to me, his voice as oddly cheerful as ever. It was as if it didn't matter, like what had happened wasn't even serious. He even _apologized_ to me. How could he even contemplate that this was even remotely his fault?

No, it wasn't him. It wasn't mine. In the hours I had to think while waiting for him to heal I had at least come to realize that. But I couldn't clear the guilt from my mind, it was my own body that had hurt him so badly. That had almost cost him his life.

After I got irrationally irritated at him for a comment I no longer remembered I removed the blanket of sand from him, heard him try to transform back into a man, then he cursed at himself. I wasn't really paying attention to him at that point, but then I heard him mutter something about his clothes.

I looked over my shoulder at him. That was something else I really didn't want to think about. I vaguely remembered him wearing them before I lost control of myself. Then, the obvious lack of them from anywhere in the cave, not even a small sliver of fabric had manifested itself in my obsessed cleaning of the place earlier. "I think I disintegrated them into my sand." The fact that this information was most likely true only reminded me of the brutality that I had attacked him with and it forced a lump to form in my throat. He looked down at himself and did something I did not expect. He brought his hands up, grabbed onto the breasts that had formed there while he had been sleeping and then wiggled them.

"Not bad at all."

My eyes widened as I was reminded of his predicament and my mind fuzzed.

Naruto. Female. Breasts. Pretty.

A strange tingle formed in my gut, my heart began to race and I twirled away from him as fast as I could muster, my throat emitting a sound I myself couldn't even identify. I spied my coat across the room and used my sand to throw it at him. I took deep breaths as he grunted from what I could guess was the coat hitting him. _Calm yourself, it is just Naruto._ "Put. It. On." I barely pushed the words out, angry at myself for reacting at all. What had gotten into me? I've never had a problem with such things before.

It was actually the reason the council gave up on getting me married off and letting me just adopt Shinki. Yet, here I was, half drooling over my best friend all of a sudden. Just because he looked like a girl.

How very pathetic of me, allowing myself to get caught up in such things.

Deep breaths. That action was harder than I thought and I half swallowed some air.

"Fine, whatever." He sounded irritated, but I was thankful that at least his voice hadn't changed any. "There, it's on, happy?" He paused a moment, giggled then "Aw, hell, I'm hopeless you know."

I felt myself relax. There would be a visual barrier to his current condition. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

Just as I was turning around Naruto started to gasp for air and began pulling on the collar to my coat.

"Naruto?"

He swung his legs over the side of the sand bed I had made for him and I gasped. He wouldn't. It was too soon.

He continued to hyperventilate, his hands pulling at the fabric, then stood. It wasn't for long, and I was already moving towards him. His legs gave out and he fell, but I was already there, catching him in my arms and I held him to me as he passed out. I called my sand up to me, cradled his body in it and placed him back onto the bed. He skin was burning hot and as I settled him back into place I could see that the bruises on his body were nearly gone. It would be likely when he woke he would be mostly if not entirely healed.

I had always been a little jealous of that ability. When I was younger Shukaku would help heal me on the very few occasions that I had been actually injured, but it still took more time than _he_ needed. I had looked it up once, his family name. Uzumaki. Resilience. It was why they were always chosen for that particular demon.

I frowned as I watched more abrasions and bruises just fade away like they had never been there in the first place. I think that resilience is why he was always so reckless and always acted first before considering the options. I never had that particular luxury. Not that I would really consider his mentality a luxury, but it suited him. If he was not the way he was, then I may never have...

Maybe he was right about the whole silence thing. I normally didn't mind it, but when there was absolutely nothing else to occupy the mind, then it was inevitable to think. Thinking could be dangerous for the likes of me. For the likes of him. Some thoughts were simply better not to be dwelled on and in this silence it was hard to avoid them.

I looked to the mouth of the cave. Roughly half a day. Half a day then I would be able to go out and search for my family, and Junji. That kid probably deserved a raise if he managed to survive this. Here, have a job. First mission: Follow your Kazekage into a raging sandstorm and try and live through it when he abandons you.

Yes, the boy deserved a raise. Then, I would likely need extra protection when Temari would find out I purposely led both Kankuro and Shikamaru out into said sandstorm.

Then there was that other issue. If anyone found out what happened here, and that my body was still mysteriously reacting _there_ , the council might renew their hunt to find me a wife.

I shuddered at that thought. No, if Naruto didn't say anything, I would not be bringing it up either. It bothered me though. After all these years, why would _that_ start working all of a sudden? It was probably because of the jutsu. It had to have been. There would be no other reasonable explanation.

Maybe it would stop again soon, it was highly unnerving. I could have gone my entire life without knowing what that felt like. The way my own mind would turn to mush. How did people function with normal bodies? There were times I was glad for the fact I couldn't stand to be touched by most people, it kept the mind clear.

Thinking, too much thinking. I brought my attention back to Naruto and worked at clearing my mind, watching the rise and fall of his chest, focusing on his breathing, the sound of the air as it passed through his lips. They way his lashes moved just so as he dreamed. Sleep.

I hated dreams.

His breathing pattern changed and his eyes blinked open. He slowly turned his head to me and smiled. Just a small smile, but it was genuine.

It made my breath catch. Why couldn't I stop thinking of him as pretty? Maybe it was the firelight. Yes, that and the softer features of him looking like a female. It was just a trick of my own mind. It would pass once the situation had dissipated.

"Hey." His voice was soft. "I passed out again, didn't I?"

I nodded, not trusting my own voice. Why was he being so nice to me? I brought my arms up to my chest, crossing them. I kept my face blank, afraid I would let a stray thought through in my facial expression. Not many knew how to read me, but this man in front of me was better than anyone. The last thing I wanted was for him to notice that after what I had done to him, my body was still reacting to him.

It was wrong. Disgusting. Completely horrific.

He kept his eyes on me and his stare slowly unnerved me. I moved my own eyes away. How long was he out? I looked back to the cave entrance. Six hours. Six hours and the storm would be done. Had I really watched him breathe for that long? At least I succeeded in my goal of not thinking. "Six hours."

"Only six left huh?"

I snapped my eyes back to him. Only? Had there not been enough to happen that he wanted to spend that much more time in my company? I must have relayed those thoughts in my face because he stiffly sat up and scratched his head.

"Yeah, you are probably ready to get out of here, huh?"

"You're not?" I frowned at him. What if I lost control again? I'm not sure either of us could survive another incident like that.

He shrugged, bit at his lip and looked into the fire. I decided to follow suit and watched the flames dance, listening to the soft crackle, thankful that in that moment my mind was delightfully clear.

"That... That was your first time, wasn't it?"

I froze. "What?" I refused to look at him. No, I was _not_ going to be discussing _that_.

"I mean, you have never been with anyone before me. I'm right about that, aren't I?" He sounded so innocent. How could he even ask that?

I clenched my jaw, my fingers twitched in and out of fists. I didn't want to answer. I nodded anyway, refusing to speak it aloud. I hadn't actually thought of that.

He hummed in response. I hoped that was all he would say. I focused on the fire with every fiber of my being. I really didn't want to think, I didn't want to talk, and I certainly didn't want to think about the fact that I had lost my virginity in such an atrocious manner. I didn't look as I heard him move, though perhaps I should have.

My vision of the fire was blocked by the deep red of my long coat and I found myself with a lap full of Naruto Uzumaki. I will say this, he knows how to make a person pay attention to him. "Naruto, you are sitting on me."

I heard him take a breath as I concentrated on the view just over his shoulder, willing myself not to pay any attention to the fact that not only had he sat on me, but he sat _facing_ me. With his legs splayed to either side of my thighs. His face merely inches from my own. I felt him tremble, then put his hand on my chest.

I took a quick breath in through my nose. It took every ounce of my willpower not to hurl him away from me. I wanted to though. I kept my arms crossed, determined not to let him touch me too much more.

"Relax, will ya?"

"You are touching me." Don't acknowledge him, don't look.

"I know." He leaned in and touched his forehead to mine, forcing me to look at him, his eyes so close to mine. There was a sadness there, a longing. "I... I just need to... I need to fix things."

"Fix things?" I tried to lean away from him. Knowing Naruto, he was about to do something stupid, without thinking of the consequences. He leaned with me, keeping the contact.

"Six hours. Six hours is enough time..." He trailed off and pulled at my arms, making me open them.

"Enough time?" My heart raced as my mind struggled to comprehend what he intended to do. Was he going to kill me? I deserved such. I fought to understand the warring emotions that were trying to take dominance. One was familiar and dark, an emotion I was used to handling, the other was making my heart race and crave this odd closeness, an emotion that I would rather not acknowledge. I wasn't even sure what category to place it, but I knew it wasn't a good emotion. It was far too strong, too demanding almost painful. I didn't like it.

His hands traced down my chest to my waist, further down until... "Naruto, don't..." The pants that I was wearing were pulled away revealing my sand barrier.

He looked down, leaning back away from me as his hands travelled over the sand. "You look like one of those dolls that Himawari collects."

I stared at him a moment. He was sitting on me, touching me, and he has the nerve to call me out on something like that? "I dislike weakness, it is best to bury that in sand."

"Remove it." He used the tip of his finger on the pouch of sand that protected my more sensitive areas and clicked it. _Tick tick tick_. "Every last bit of it here. I mean it."

"I'm not going to-"

"Please? Just this once?" His voice was strained, his eyes holding a sadness that I rarely seen from him.

 _My fault._ The guilt that I had felt threatened to crush me with the look he had given me.

I owed him everything. I should just do what he wants. I wanted him happy again, to erase that look of sadness from his eyes. I took in a shaky breath. Maybe he would castrate me? I focused on my armor, forcing it away from my skin, the cracking sound of it breaking echoing through the cave. My heart raced and I leaned forward, following what he had done to me just a moment before, bumping my forehead into his softly. "Don't look, promise me." Bit by bit I moved away my protective barrier and I fought against the urge to just push him off of me and put it back into place. I just felt so... Naked, without it there.

"Yeah, I promise." His voice had turned dark and I wasn't sure what to make of his tone.

I felt the air touch my skin as the last bits of sand left my body and I shuddered. It had been years since I had fully removed any of the sand from my body. The air alone was almost too much sensation and I breathed deeply through my nose to try and calm my nerves. "What... What are you planning on, Naruto?" I probably should have asked sooner, maybe protested more at whatever he was going to do to me.

But I felt guilty for what I had done.

In that moment, all I wanted was to... 'fix things' like he had said.

Would that even be possible?

Did he know how?

"I need this to be a pleasant memory. I don't want to think... I don't want to remember..."

Before I could respond I jumped, nearly spilling him off of my lap as his fingers grabbed onto the most sensitive area of my body. "No, you shouldn't- I don't work like-" He moved his hand and I whimpered as warmth pooled in my abdomen, jolts of sensation rushed through me and my hands gripped tightly onto his shoulders. "What, what are you-?"

"Feels like you work fine." He moved his hand again, dear gods.

"Don't..." I was losing coherent thought, these sensations, this feeling, it was too much. "Please, stop, Naruto." My voice came out far too breathy and I found it hard to breath.

His hand stopped moving and I could feel him shift some. His face was getting red. Was he listening to me? Would he stop, let me be?

"Forgive me."

My eyes widened, my breath caught in my throat. Forgive? He moved before I could ask for clarification. I cried out as a tight wetness surrounded me and I clawed at his shoulders.

Hot.

Naruto.

In him.

Too much.

An odd sound came from him at that same moment. "Damn it, so weird." he leaned back a little and I grabbed at my coat in hopes it would keep him still.

I worked at regaining my breath, my thoughts. "Naruto," My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest and I panted out his name and I watched as his face reddened deeper than it already had been. "What..."

"Fixing things. A better memory, I need..." He moved his hips and I groaned at the movement.

I wanted to crawl out of my own skin, claw away at whatever I could, make it stop.

Too much. Too much sensation.

I grabbed his hips tightly and pulled them tightly against my own, holding him there. "Don't."

He grabbed at my waist, turning and pulling me down. I barely had enough mind to move the sand, creating a large enough bed for us to fall on. He gave a bit of a moan while I cried out at the movement. I found myself on my side, seated fully inside of my best friend whose leg was over my hip and slightly hooked behind my thigh. He thankfully stayed still at this point and only brought his hand up to brush the hair out of my eyes. "Just this once. Please, I won't move again."

I brought my head forward and reconnected our foreheads. I weaved my arm under his, remembering the way we had hugged before everything had fallen apart and pulled him to me tightly. If this would fix things, I would endure, for _him_. This odd feeling in my chest, this warmth that was slowly spreading, I wanted it to last. If I only had this moment, this memory, then maybe...

My thoughts faded as my body reminded me that I should be doing something, an ache formed in my abdomen and in my...

I moved, just slightly, gritting my teeth at the intense wave of sensation it brought throughout my entire body. I gasped for breath and Naruto moved his hand to my shoulder, digging his fingers into the sand and cloth. I concentrated on his breath, his mingling with my own as I continued to shift from moving ever so slightly to complete stillness, feeling the pressure build inside me, listening as Naruto slowly morphed his breaths into panting, then soft moans.

Bit by bit my movements became more frequent, my heart beat even faster, my own breath turning to moans as the feeling and sensations overrode every thought, every hesitation and all that existed was the moment, the feeling, the need to simply just be with him.

Then, it was over. He stiffened and gave a stuttered moan, "Gaara..." His voice was breathy, erotic. Then he pulsed around me, forcing me to see stars, something exploded from my groin and into him as I jerked and fought for breath.

"Naruto, I..."

I felt like I was floating, I never had felt so incredibly relaxed.

Or exhausted.

Or complete.

I didn't fight it as darkness tugged at my vision.

I was just...

So tired...

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

_I woke again from the pain. Why couldn't I just stay unconscious? The pain intensified as my senses returned and I groaned out which only served to heighten the pain in my lungs and throat. Why wouldn't they just kill me?_

_What was taking them so long?_

_It felt like my blood was made of needles, flowing through my veins and slicing through my body with such force all I wanted was to scream. But I couldn't, I barely had a voice left in me. That stopped fifteen times of my awakening before this one. This was sixteen times since I stopped screaming, twelve times before that I had. How many more?_

_How many more times would I wake in this nightmare? All I could see was red and blue, I had stopped looking at the robed figures after the first time._

_My thoughts failed me as another wave of pain erupted from my stomach, slowly ebbed its way like a million blades up through my throat, through my nose, through my eyes._

_My body tensed and jerked at it and another awful groan slowly escaped with the pain._

_Just let it end._

_Let me die._

_Please just-_


	15. Silence

**Naruto**

I'm not sure how long I slept afterwards, but I was the first to wake. I was still tangled into his legs and I found myself half laying on him. It only took me a couple of minutes of just watching the steady rise and fall of his chest that I realized that he was asleep and that was fact alone was an important one.

Gaara was asleep. From anything I knew, he never did even after he had his demon removed. He had never mentioned why, I always just figured it was something he had just gotten used to after all that time and his body just refused or something. Heck, on the way here Kankuro had confirmed that a little when he was in his 'resting' state or whatever while we were headed to the desert. I looked up to his face and I smiled at the sight. He was fully relaxed, his lips slightly parted as he drew in breath and exhaled. I had to be one of the few, if not _the_ only person who had the pleasure of watching him sleep. It was amazing to see.

I settled back down, he was hard and a bit uncomfortable, probably from all that sand he constantly covered himself in, but he was warm. He was breathing. I could even hear his heartbeat from where my head lay on his chest. I breathed him in, a strange scent really, one of sand, spice and a slight tinge of blood. I curled my fingers around his waist wondering how much of that smell was from my own blood. I hoped I had done enough. Enough to help remove that memory. Pain, I could deal with and honestly I had dealt with worse.

But the thought that I had not only forced Gaara to give me his purity and innocence, but that I had managed to do it so it would scar him, it was that thought I couldn't bear. So when I woke and found I had so little time left to somehow make things ok, I did the only thing I could think of.

Maybe it wasn't that great of an idea, but damn.

That was freaking amazing. Seriously weird feeling, _really_ weird, but damn. A shiver run down my spine as the memory lingered in my mind. Really, really amazing.

That fact, the fact that it was possibly, no, it WAS the most intense pleasure I had experienced in my life made me feel extremely guilty. The experience was meant for him, and yet it seemed I had used him to fulfill my own ends.

_I had used him._

A lump formed in my throat. It was true. No matter the excuse I used for that, it was true. I had taken advantage of him. He was still feeling guilty from what had happened, he didn't know that it was all stemmed from me.

And I did _that_ to him. I vaguely remembered him muttering something about not working and my stomach flopped. Had he really never even experienced a hard on before? Nah, his body reacted to me far to easily for that. Still though...

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I really didn't want to think about it. This dream, it would be over soon, far too soon. Then life would continue, and this would only be a lonely memory.

And hopefully, we would return to our friendship somehow.

But I didn't want to think about that. Or the possibility that he would never want to talk or see me again. Most likely when he ever found out the truth about what had happened here.

I really didn't want to think about that.

Rise and fall. Rise and fall. His chest moved in a slow rhythm to his breathing. He seemed so calm. So warm. I clung to him, clung to this warm feeling that I couldn't really place that spread throughout my chest. It sort of felt like I had just drank some hot ramen broth, that first few sips where the warmth would just comfortably sit there a moment. I was overwhelmed by the intense desire for this moment to never end. Just to be here, with him.

So weird but...

I took a deep breath. "I wish..." That odd warmth spread throughout my body. Now that would be a wish I could live with. I gave a soft sigh and continued to rest on him. Soon.

It would be over far too soon.

Then I would be going back to Hinata.

Hinata.

How would I ever be able to face her after this? I couldn't really apologize. No, I am not sorry that the affair itself happened. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks that I already had an affair with him at some point. She always asks me such weird questions about him.

Maybe because she accidentally met 'Gaaruto' once. That bastard freak.

No. Focus on him. Take in the moment, it was never going to happen again.

Rise and fall. The sound of his heart beat. Steady, slowly going faster.

Wait. Faster? I listened more intently and I was surprised to find that his heart really was starting to speed up. I held him tighter, hoping to calm him back down.

Instead, a deep groan rumbled up through his chest, followed by a breathy whimper.

"Gaara." I tried to shake him awake. He must be having a nightmare.

Another groan, this one louder, more frantic, pained. I shook harder and felt a cold shudder hit me when I heard something like the sound of ice cracking under your feet when the lake hasn't frozen completely. It sounded, then felt like it was coming from beneath me. From Gaara. I dared look at his face and realized that there were deep cracks across his cheek, his nose and forehead.

**_Shit._ **

"Hey Gaara, wake the hell up will you?" I shook him more vigorously as his whimpers and groans became more frequent. What the hell was he dreaming about that could bring that kind of reaction?

The sand had begun to break away from him, gathering on the ground beneath us and the bed he had created simply disintegrated and meshed in with what fell off of his body.

He stiffened and it felt like my own heart stopped. The sound that came from him at that point was the most soul shattering sound I had ever heard in my life. It was like a scream, but it was muted and held so much pain I could almost feel in through my entire being.

Then the sand moved. It swirled and danced around angrily, then formed thick strings that began to lash out everywhere. I stared in horror as the sand began to strike tangible items, the booming echoed throughout the cave and the sand left holes in the stone in their wake.

I gasped as a strand blew past my head and drove a hole just inches away from me and noticed that the hole was at least a foot deep. In solid stone. I returned my attention the dangerously sleeping Gaara. I shook him with everything I had. "WAKE THE HELL UP!"

I stopped my shaking when the ground fell away from us and it took me a moment to realize that Gaara was floating. He twisted mid air, his head falling back, his arms out to his sides and he was slightly bent backwards. Another scream came from him, and the sand moved faster yet, it connecting with our shelter every second. I clung to him, feeling the safest place to be was to be as close as humanly possible to his person until he woke up.

I would have to try something a bit more intrusive than shaking.

I hissed as a string of sand grazed my shoulder and focused on waking up the sleeping disaster. I began punching him in the arm as hard as I could without moving far. "Wake. Up. Wake. Up."

Nothing. He just stayed in that horrid position, pain and fear etched deeply in his face. My stomach twisted.

It had just occurred to me what he was dreaming about.

I could feel that just under my face the sand had fallen away and I decided to try something new. Anything to get him to stop dreaming. I pressed my face to his shoulder, moving away the fabric enough to reach skin. I bit him. With as much force as I could muster I squeezed my teeth against his skin until I tasted the salty metallic flavor of blood.

I heard a gasp and the booming of sand against stone stopped. We fell, landing on the stone ground with a jarring thud followed by a groan from the man I was clinging to.

I barely had time to even think. It was as if I had been slammed against a wall and I found myself on the opposite side of the cave and I only had the briefest glimpse of Gaara, kneeling with his eyes wide and desperate, clutching his shoulder as a small trickle of blood seeped through his fingers. It was only for a moment though, and he was closed off, completely surrounded by a sphere of sand.

The ultimate defense.

I took a deep breath. At least he was awake. That, and I was alive. No wonder that guy never slept. Wouldn't it figure, my recurring nightmare of him dying, was his as well. The more terrible end of it.

If I ever saw him sleeping again I would wake him up while he still looked all peaceful. "Damn." I slinked down to the ground, feeling the small deep pits beneath my fingers that were littered about the cave in every direction. Too much longer, it likely would have started to go deep enough that the entire place would have collapsed. I stared at the ball of sand across from me, the fire was barely lit now and it made it hard to see.

It would be gone soon, the fire. The packs that Gaara had brought were mangled beyond recognition now. What he had been using to keep the fire going was likely in there, and without it, there would be no light.

Not that it really mattered because I had the feeling that he wouldn't be coming out of that thing anytime soon. I took another deep breath. Great. Him avoiding me started just a bit sooner than I had predicted. I leaned against the side of the cave. Hell with it. Without Gaara, without light and without anything to eat, staying awake was entirely pointless and would only make me think of things I didn't want to think about anyway.

I closed my eyes, and after what felt like an eternity, I was finally able to succumb to it.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I woke to a banging sound. Rhythmic, loud.

Voices sounded between the thuds of sound, muffled, frantic. I grumbled as I sat up, a dull ache in my shoulder from where the sand had grazed me. I reached up to the torn fabric and felt beneath it to the scab that had formed there. The cave was dark, save for the light glow of remaining embers from the fire. I blinked the sleep from my eyes and stretched. With a groan I stood and pressed my hand to the hole riddled cave wall. I walked forwards and blindly made my way to the source of the sound. Thud. Thud. Thud. With every step the sound became louder and the closer I got to the sound the voices became more recognizable. I moved quicker, reaching a place that was sealed tightly with sand. The sand vibrated with the thuds and banging and I yelled out to them. "STAND BACK!"

I raised my arm for the rasengan and I nearly passed out. What the hell? I stood frozen for a moment while I worked out in my head what was happening. Since when didn't I have enough strength to do a rasengan? Maybe I had used too much chakra while I was healing.

That had to be it. I crossed my fingers and brought out a clone. I closed my eyes from the dizziness even a simple clone had caused and waited for a moment until the world stopped spinning. Well, it had been a while since I had to do it that way, but necessity called. I held out my hand drawing as much chakra as I could to my hand, spinning it around. My clone took it's stance next to me and started to maneuver the chakra to the proper rotation.

There.

"Rasengan!" I pushed my hand forwards, a loud bang followed the motion and light spilled through the sand where my rasengan had torn its way through. I squinted and shielded my eyes at the intrusion of light and stepped through, my hand against the outside for a brace as a brief wave of exhaustion hit me as my clone popped back out of existence.

I smiled wide at the three men who stood before me. They were alright! "Hey guys!"

"You are far too troublesome, you know that?" Shikamaru stood somewhat glaring at me, his hands in his pockets and an annoyed frown on his face.

"Why are you wearing Gaara's coat? It doesn't even fit you..." Kankuro's face paint was mostly worn off, just small bits of it smeared on his skin still.

Oh yeah, the coat. I looked down and realized that it had ripped in several places and I brought a hand to my chest. Mine. I was back to normal.

Except...

I still hurt everywhere. I was wearing his coat. I had sex with him.

Not so normal.

At least I was back to being a guy. And that sick feeling was gone.

That was good.

"Naruto? You going to answer or what?"

I blinked a few times and scratched the back of my head. I gave a small laugh. "It's a long story."

_I accidentally wished he would take me and in the heat of the moment with him not being able to control himself he disintegrated my clothes until they were a part of the sand he carries around with him. Since he didn't want to look at me all naked and everything he tossed his coat at me and here we are. Woo._

_"_ Naruto, just tell him and get it over with. That guy isn't going to be happy until he gets some kind of answer. It must be some kind of annoying family thing. Temari's the same way." Shikamaru always made everything sound so boring.

Boring.

Perfect.

I felt my face scrunch up in a half grin for a moment before I controlled it back to my usual goofy grin.

"You see, when the sandstorm hit he dragged me off to this cave. Took a while to get to too. Didn't help that I hadn't been feeling well at all lately, though I am actually feeling a lot better, tsch!" I took a breath and continued, seeing Kankuro's face fall a little as he realized what he had done. "Anyway, we were stuck inside one of those barrier things that he uses all the time, man he is pretty awesome with those isn't he? Can't see a damn thing in there, I had no idea what he was even planning or anything, we just kept running, you know? I think it took hours before we finally even got somewhere different, and I mean that we were running on stone instead of sand." I noticed as Kankuro bit by bit looked more distressed and I continued, "It didn't take too much longer after that to get to this place, he sealed us in and we've been here ever since. It was pretty boring, but Gaara at least brought supplies to make a fire, and I almost retched on him when he went to eat and everything. I tried getting his attention, talked at him for a while, but he is almost as quiet as that sand he carries with him and-"

"WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT ALREADY?" Kankuro looked like he would explode.

Mission accomplished. The simplest of explanations would suffice. "I got carried away with something I did and my clothes disintegrated and Gaara couldn't stand seeing me without anything on."

"Why couldn't you just say that to begin with?"

I shrugged and gave a small smile in response. _Because you don't need to know the real reason._

"Where _is_ Gaara? I would have thought he would be itching to get back to all his paperwork and political bull by now."

"In the cave, he barricaded himself inside his defense this morning after he woke up." I pointed my thumb over my shoulder towards the inside of the cave.

"Woke up?" Kankuro looked like he didn't believe me.

"Yeah, he fell asleep a few hours ago. At first, I thought it was pretty cool, but-"

"You lived through that?" He actually looked surprised, and oddly, so did Shikamaru.

"You knew?" I stared at my advisor.

"I'm married to his sister. She warned me in case he ever tried to nod off at the house or something." Why did he always look so bored with everything? Sometimes it was a bit irritating. Like now, when my own advisor knew more about Gaara than I did.

I didn't like it.

"Why the hell didn't I know? I would have punched him sooner!"

Kankuro narrowed his eyes at me. "You punched him?"

"Well, yeah, that bastard wouldn't wake up. I bit him too, because the punching thing didn't work."

"YOU BIT HIM!" He grabbed the collar to the coat I was wearing and pulled me over to him, the anger rolling off of him like some kind of palpable thing.

"He wouldn't wake up. I didn't exactly want to be skewered, calm down. Tsch."

He released me and stormed into the cave after lighting a small torch from his pack. Dang, he was just as oddly prepared with fire as Gaara had been. "What the hell." I followed Kankuro inside after his remark. "It's like there was a small war here. Seriously, how in the hell did you survive that? He has only fell asleep fully one other time after he lost that _thing_. He accidentally killed nine Anbu and it was decided that we would just let him stay awake." He stared at all the bore marks and pack remnants that were once the cave and our belongings as though it were some kind of murder scene.

Well, it almost was. Twice. Damn it.

"What do you mean let him?"

Kankuro didn't look at me and faced the ball of sand that Gaara had barricaded himself into. He remained silent for a moment and I realized that I was the only other person that had followed him in. He took a deep breath. "Since you know what happens, I guess it wouldn't hurt anything if you knew the rest of it." He quieted again, still not moving his gaze from where his brother hid. He clenched his fist and just when I thought he wouldn't answer, he spoke, "After Gaara had died everyone was worried about him. Not long after you guys left, it was pretty obvious he was still very worn out from everything. Gaara rarely had ever gone into his resting state back then, every few months maybe, but it never seemed to actually bug him or have too many side effects. It was more dangerous for him to sleep back then because of that thing that always tried to take over his body."

The one subject I always tried to avoid kept wanting to assault me with its existence today. Gaara had died, and as much as I tried to trick myself into thinking he hadn't, it didn't make it any less true. I swallowed, trying to keep myself calm as I listened to him talk about Gaara.

"But, after a couple weeks, Gaara was looking seriously lethargic. The doctors thought it would be best if he got some real sleep since he technically didn't have to stay awake to control that thing anymore, and when Gaara refused to even try to sleep it was decided..." he trailed off and turned to me, a glisten in his eyes that hinted at unshed tears. "It's something we aren't proud of, but we signed off on it. We were so worried for him. He had died, our little brother just up and fucking _died_. We weren't going to lose him again for something so stupid as a bit of damn sleep. So we did it."

I wasn't getting a good feeling about this. "You guys did what?"

"We _made_ him sleep. We didn't ask, we just dragged him out to the middle of nowhere with a ton of Anbu to protect him and then forced him to sleep." He sighed. "We drugged him, Naruto. He didn't have a choice. We weren't in the room at the time, but he had a close guard of nine in the room with him when we heard this scream, so terrible it just made my blood run cold."

I nodded. "Yeah, I heard it, he did it here too."

He turned back to where Gaara was. "The scream was followed by a dull roar and particles of sand left the room and nobody dared go in seeing that the few bits that escaped through the door seemed to be after blood. After a while the screaming stopped and when we went in to see what was going on, there was just blood, sand and marks in everything just like here. Gaara was panting in the middle of the room, crouched and ready for battle with the most horrifying look of fear to him. I think that is what gets me most from all that. Gaara, he never gets scared of anything. Not like that."

For once I felt speechless.

I remembered how bad it hurt to have Kurama removed. But...

How long had they worked at pulling Shukaku out of him? I couldn't remember. Mine was quick and the memory of how it had felt made me want to retch every time it crossed my mind.

"Three days." Kankuro's eyes were dark and trained on me. "It's what you were wondering, wasn't it? How long did it take for them to kill him? Those damn bastards took three days to torture and kill him. He relives it every time he sleeps, so he doesn't. Different demon, same difference."

"He isn't a demon." My voice was weak. I knew it had been a while since they had taken him, but I couldn't really remember much past that. All I really remembered was getting pissed off, running after him, and every moment after I pulled his body out of that clay bird.

"His words, Naruto. Three days. It hurts my heart to remember him chanting that after he woke up. Three days, it was three days." A tear slid down his face.

I bit my tongue so I wouldn't cry.

He was alive.

I felt him breath.

I felt his heartbeat.

I would never let him sleep again.

 _Ever_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thanks for reading! I know that everyone that reads this is pretty silent about it, but I see my stats steadily rising and I am thankful for that. I hope that you are enjoying this, and I do appreciate you.


	16. Cold Shoulder

**Naruto**

Silence. It was deafening as we ran across the desert towards Suna. Gaara was no longer in my sight, probably already to Suna by now considering how fast he fled once Kankuro was able to pry him out into the open. Well, I had a very small part in it too, unfortunately for me.

It was a series of knocks, then a slew of yelled profanities before the sand rolled out of the cave. It stopped just short of our companions then just stayed still.

"Naruto, what did you do to him anyway?" Shikamaru leaned up against the sand Gaara was surrounded in, weaved his fingers into his pockets and shot me a look that condemned me silently.

He knew me a little too well, was a little too smart and far more perceptive than I would have liked. For this situation anyway, as my assistant it was a great thing since I wasn't usually any of the later things and he helped keep me on track. "What? I didn't do anything." _Lie_.

I made a wish, I nearly broke him completely and I let him sleep. I did plenty.

"Troublesome."

I groaned. "Come on Gaara, enough already, we have a meeting we are already late for, probably, and you can't just sulk in that thing all day. Gaara!" I banged on the outside of the sand and it fell away, too quickly.

He stood there, arms crossed and looking like he was about to murder something. Or someone.

Likely me.

I swallowed nervously as his eyes scanned over the three other men and I noticed that he avoided looking at me completely. Not a glance, not his usual lingering stare he would give me, just... Nothing.

I'm not sure why but it bothered me, even though after everything I didn't blame him. Still, I hoped he would get over it soon.

Because... Because if he didn't...

He would talk to me again wouldn't he? My heart raced as the cold reality of our situation fully registered in my mind.

I really am an idiot. Like we could ever just be like before, after that.

He gracefully turned away from us and gathered his sand into a small gourd he then placed onto his hip with strands of hardened sand to replace the straps he usually used. "I see that you have faired well enough in the storm to continue on without me." His voice was deeper than usual, the gravel in it rougher. He sounded dangerous. "I will wait for you in Suna, I don't feel like _playing_ anymore."

Playing? My eyes stung a little with growing tears at his words though I couldn't place why. Before anyone could say a word, he was gone. Only the trace of sand that whipped around as he charged away the only indication that he was even there to begin with.

But that was two hours ago. We were still a good half hour away from our destination and the silence was killing me. Barely a word had been spoken since Gaara ran off. Hell with it. I couldn't do it anymore. "How'd you guys find us anyway? I thought we were kind of in the middle of nowhere, tsch."

"You were, if it were up to me you would probably be in that cave still while we went to Suna for some trackers." Shikamaru fell back from his spot in our formation ahead of me to run by my side. "It wouldn't have made sense to spend days after the storm to try and hunt you guys down without any ideas of which direction you had even headed. When I proposed the idea on the first day it was quickly shot down. Thankfully, Kankuro had a trick up his sleeve, or rather he anticipated a possible need to hunt down Gaara. Junji here is an expert tracker. Didn't take us long at all to hunt you down. We have been following your trail for a few days now. It wasn't exactly easy with that storm raging on the way it was, you should feel lucky that I even bothered."

"Days? How did you move in the storm?"

"Kankuro." He didn't elaborate and I looked at him, my nose scrunched in confusion.

"Well that explains a lot." I rolled my eyes.

"I really don't feel like explaining it all to you right now, Naruto. Maybe you should ask Kankuro when we get there. I'm exhausted so can't you just be quiet for a while?" He fell back further as it seemed like he had decided to take up the rear of our formation and ended the conversation with a muttering of, "I don't know how I get myself into these situations, being a shinobi is far too much work, such a drag."

He must be tired. He didn't use that phrase much anymore. I steeled my eyes on the horizon ahead and focused on the destination. No more thinking, no more talking, I just listened to the sounds of feet hitting sand, the sounds of my breath as I moved through the sand. I would be in Suna soon. Anything past that, would be something to worry on when I got there.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I felt numb as I walked the streets of Suna. It was mid day, the sun was hot and scorching, burning into my skin even through Gaara's long coat that was far too heavy to be comfortable in this heat. I wanted to rip it off my body and just let my skin breathe and to hell with conventions of public nudity. I couldn't quite bring myself to do it though. Not because I knew it was wrong, hell, I think I have done it before once somewhere, but because it was _Gaara's_ coat. His mangled, overly tight, too heavy and ridiculously hot coat. That was Gaara's. That smelled like Gaara.

I shivered as a flash of memory came to me with that thought, one that could make anyone blush.

I was losing it.

I stopped mid step and was unable to move. "NARUTO."

Shikamaru. "What?"

"Damn, I've been trying to get your attention since before we entered the gates. You were gone, mentally, so I had to do something. Going to a meeting wearing nothing but the Kazekage's favorite coat, in that condition, likely would be sending the wrong message to the other people attending. Might even think you guys would be doing unfair deals because of your closeness. Now we know you had an accident, but they might not see it that way. So get some clothes. I have an expense account here, put it on my tab for now and you can pay me back when we get home."

It wasn't long after Shikamaru let go of my shadow that I had to give up my little reminder of Gaara.

It was weird how much I really didn't want to give it Kankuro when he asked for it.

I had purchased some kind of blue traditional Suna garb, very similar to the black under garb that Gaara often wore. There were barely shoulders and came down just past my hips, tied with a white cloth belt and pants of the same color. It looked weird on me. I had asked for orange but the shopkeeper just laughed their ass off at me. Creep.

Orange is an awesome color.

After that, I couldn't really remember much about what happened before the meeting. Everything was just a big blur. Idle chat, the scorching heat, the people that would wave and chatter at me as I passed by. Ever since the Kazekage rescue mission they had all treated me like I was some kind of hero. Hero. That was laughable. I didn't even really do anything. I had failed, and failed miserably, yet they all thanked me like I was the reason their Kazekage had returned to them.

I had been brought out of my thoughts when I entered that cool room that was at the very center of Suna, deep within the Kazekage palace where I had spent many days in the years I had been Hokage, going over deals and policies that had involved Suna and other countries. It was this moment my mind cleared because that is when Gaara finally made his appearance. He was wearing his Kazekage robes and his expression completely blank. His eyes were bright and wide, his mouth neither in frown or smile. He held himself with such grace he seemed almost inhuman. He sat down in his place at the large table and waved his hand to his assistant who quickly brought him his paperwork.

Deliberations were heated, voices raised and all I could do was freaking stare at the Kazekage who seemed to be pointedly avoiding my gaze and presence. _Look at me_. Why wouldn't he at least look at me?

"I shall hold off on any of the amendments to any trade agreements and policies until the signing of the peace treaty renewal in two months that is to be held in Konoha. Any matters that involve our two countries shall be handled at this time and as such will not require attention at this time." His eyes focused just past me to the left where Shikamaru stood, as though I didn't exist.

I stood a few topics later, banging my hands on the table as I did. I glared at Gaara, who still - even in that moment - had refused to spare his gaze in my direction. He began talking to one of the elders and I groaned. Hell with this. I was seriously just not in the mood. "I expect details later Shikamaru, I'm done."

I spun on my heels, opened the door to the meeting room and slammed it behind me. I winced slightly at the sound, but damn it all, couldn't he even just _look_ at me?

I was hot. I was exhausted. I was guilty.

I really had been wrong about being able to fix things. "It won't happen will it, Gaara?" I whispered it to myself as I stood on some random building I found myself on. I tried to calm down the pounding of my heart with deep breaths, tried to push away the dread that sat in my chest like lead.

How did I get up here? I didn't remember jumping across the rooftops.

I sighed. I probably should just go. It wasn't like Gaara would want to see me. Not yet. He already made it clear he wasn't going to deal with Konoha until our next meeting in two months. So far there were two scheduled, that one, and another in four months as a follow up for the things being signed and all that political crap.

Why did I want to be Hokage again?

Respect. I wanted people to freaking look at me. Not like I was some monster or like it would be better if I just fell in a hole somewhere never to return, but to actually look at _me_. Like I was a somebody, somebody to trust. Somebody to smile at. Somebody that was actually _wanted._

I hadn't counted on the exhausting overabundance of work that came with it. The mountains of paperwork, the meetings, the never-ending requests for public appearances. Thank goodness I had my clones for all that. I honestly had no idea how Grandma Tsunade dealt with it, and as soon as Kakashi sensei felt it plausible, he practically threw the robes at me and washed his hands of it. Honestly, I knew why Pervy Sage avoided it like the plague. It left no time for anything. Family, friends, hobbies. He wouldn't be able to write and spy on the ladies anymore.

I frowned. That old man crept into my thoughts sometimes when I least expected it. My heart felt a little heavier as I remembered him and I sat down, cross legged, on the rooftop that I had found myself during my current breakdown. I leaned down, my back hunched and I curled my fingers around my knees. I stared at my right hand, the bandages slightly ripped there. How had I not noticed earlier my bandages were coming loose? I could see my 'skin' a little through them now and I looked away. I could always pretend that my arm was real as long as I didn't see it. I could feel, a little bit with it. The feeling was dull, and sometimes took me a moment to realize something was touching me there if the touch was light enough. I breathed in through my nose and peeled back the bandages. They were ruined anyway. I could use Shikamaru's account to get new. I would pay him interest for everything when he got back. It peeled back, sticking slightly to the prosthetic. The thing was amazing if I thought about it enough. Grandma Tsunade managed to connect it so completely with my body it would even bleed some if cut deep enough. I wrinkled my nose as the bandages revealed the thing that lay underneath. An arm, greyish white and dead looking. I touched it, it didn't even feel like skin, it was denser, pliable but definitely not skin. It was more like stretched rubber, disgusting. I brushed my thumb against it, feeling the sensation of pressure running down my arm to my hand. That is what I missed most, the full sensation of touch, but she had told me that such complex nerve systems would have put the operation in the stage of 'too late to repair'.

And I was thankful for it. I really was.

I am not sure I could have just dealt with the permanent loss of it the way that Sasuke had.

I wouldn't be able to hold hands with Hinata, or hold the kids the way I had. Or write, probably. I tried to write with my left hand while I waited for everything, but it sucked. Even I couldn't read it, hell.

"Shouldn't you be in a meeting right about now Lord Hokage?" A familiar voice. One I really wasn't sure I wanted to hear.

"Shouldn't you be?" I spat out the words as I glanced up at the puppet master that interrupted my thoughts.

"Nah, I left Junji there, Gaara can just deal with it. The kid's pretty capable, had him trained specifically for Gaara since he was a kid." He flopped down next to me without any hint of the grace that always mesmerized me about his brother. He sat on my right side, and I bit back a scathing remark when I seen his eyes drift to my prosthetic. He quickly moved his eyes from it, and back at my face. "A family tracking jutsu, every once in a while one of them is born with a kekkei genkai that lets them track people by traces of left behind chakra. I'm glad I've had him memorize Gaara's chakra signature, I think it's the only one he has down so far, but it let us find you guys so I'm good with it."

I stared at him. "Why are you telling me all this, Kankuro?"

"Because you are as predictable as Gaara. You flip flop, you would have eventually pried me about the details on how he found you guys so I decided to just get it out of the way."

"Nah, I wasn't going to."

"Yeah, you would. Someday. Maybe even years from now when it randomly crossed your mind." He sounded resigned to the fact.

He was right, I would have eventually. I was too curious for my own good. "Whatever."

He gave a laugh. "So, why did you storm out of there anyway?"

I pulled my arms back, entwined my fingers and placed them behind my head. I was a bit self conscious about my arm, but he already seen it at that point and I had other things on my mind at the moment. I debated answering him, but he would probably poison me if I didn't. Well, maybe nothing that drastic, but he got touchy sometimes. It had to be some kind of family thing. "Gaara." _Don't ask me to specify._

"Thought that might be it. Hey, don't be so hard on him, will ya?"

My hands dropped and I glared at him. "Hard on him? If you hadn't noticed, he's the one avoiding _me,_ not the other way around." I stood, getting annoyed with the whole situation. My thoughts, whatever it was I was feeling, the fact that I was angry at Gaara for some freaking reason I couldn't pinpoint since I had no right to be, and when he had every reason to be mad at me instead.

Even if he didn't know it.

I made him...

I growled.

Shit.

Even if he had talked to me, I had no idea what the hell I could say that would just be...

Be what?

My chakra flared and my entire body lurched in pain from it. Damn, I still hurt. Freaking everywhere.

I had to leave.

"Listen, Naruto, he gets like that sometimes and with what happened-"

"I don't care." My voice shook and my vision blurred. Maybe it was best that he avoided me. Why the hell would he want to talk to me, look at me?

I am disgusting.

"If he wants to know where I am, I am headed back home. It's not like I have anymore business here, or that I'm wanted or anything." I turned from him and jumped down, heading my way to the nearest shop so I could gather some bandages and some food.

"Damn it!" He jumped down and landed in front of me. "Just give him some time, will you?"

"I am. Two months. I'm kinda sure that's what he meant by holding off all business agreements till then. I'm going, so get out of my way."

His shoulders slumped some and he sidestepped a little to let me past. "I will let him know. Just... Just don't hold it against him."

I froze. Hold what against him? His perfectly normal reaction to being forced into sex, twice? Or the fact that said sex made him fall asleep and he had to go through _that_. "I'm not the one you should be telling that to."

It felt like my heart would rip out of my chest at that thought. He might not actually forgive me for this. I took a deep breath and pushed my way past Kankuro, bumping his shoulder with mine as I went by. At least he didn't try to stop me again. I had made up my mind, it was best that I leave here.

 _Time_.

Maybe that could work.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

The entire next day was a blur of running, heat and self loathing.

I had run as fast as my legs would allow and I seen the gate to Konoha only a day and a half after leaving Suna.

How in the hell did I even manage that? Not that it mattered really, but man, my body was protesting at me the moment I slowed down.

Throbbing pain in every inch of my body, it was even as though my bones were starting to tear themselves apart. I had pushed myself too hard. I sighed and made my way through the gate. The guards there stuttered at me and I waved away their questions. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. The only things I could think about was Gaara, my wife, my kids, my position as Hokage.

There was a lot I would need to sort out, but this wasn't the time to think about that. No, I just wanted...

I wanted to forget.

Even for a brief moment, a small reprieve from the onslaught of emotion, memories and regrets. Hinata. I worked my way home, to my beautiful, kind, thoughtful wife. She was too good, too nice, too pure hearted. I didn't deserve her.

I really didn't deserve her. Why in the hell did she fall for somebody like me anyway? I could never understand that. I was too broken, too tainted, too stupid. I needed her though. She was the light in my darkness that would gently pull me up out of my misery. I never talked about it to her, but she always would look at me with those beautiful eyes, that soft smile and I couldn't help but smile back at her. Forced smiles were often followed by real ones, and she brought me back to myself more than even she knew.

Hinata.

It didn't take me long enough to arrive home. I could feel her there, her chakra coming from the kitchen. The kids weren't there. Probably at the academy or on missions or- Well, who cared anyway, I was glad it was just her there.

I needed her.

I needed to forget.

I needed...

I wrapped my arms around her from behind and pulled her close. I heard her gasp and I pressed my face into the crook of her neck, her dark hair tickling my face as I did. I breathed her in.

Hinata.

My wife.

I needed her. Loved her. She was mine. I loved her.

 _Love_ her.

"Naruto?"

I didn't respond to her, just kissed at her shoulder and moved my hands lower a moment, hovering over her hips before I pulled away, grasping at her hand as I headed to pull her to our bedroom, to our bed. She stuttered out something, but the words didn't reach my ears.

_I needed to forget._

I slid my hands under her shirt, pulling it up until all that was left was her bra, which I quickly released. A small gasp came from her as I cupped her, my hands squeezing ever so gently. Hinata. I needed Hinata. I wanted Hinata.

Hinata.

I removed everything else, slowly, my hands working across her skin as I convinced myself I needed her, her gasps and confusion slowly turning into small needy mews and moans. Then I was in her, her entire body hugging me as I poured my pain, confusion and guilt into her. It was needy and rushed.

I needed her.

Then I emptied that pain, that guilt into her body with a sob, flashes of memory flooded my mind in that moment of pained ecstasy, red hair, passion, need.

I needed _him_.

I felt ill.

I removed myself from her encompassing hug, my stomach twisting as I fell back down to earth.

I'm such a freak. I got up from the bed and dressed myself. I had used her too. I had used Hinata.

I locked myself into my home office, ignoring her as she called to me. I fell back onto the couch that was in front of my desk and pressed my arm to my eyes as I cried.

Who the hell was I kidding?

Maybe I really was the monster everyone had made me out to be.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note
> 
> I can't believe I have put up 3 chapter in less than a week already, and likely to get one more out before thursday since I still have one more day off before going to work .
> 
> I think I am going to have to finish this before getting back to my novel because I went to write on it today and about a paragraph in I could just imagine Gaara standing over my shoulder. 
> 
> Gaara: You are really just going to leave me like that? Do I not deserve happiness? 
> 
> Andil: *glares menacingly at him* back off, I am working. I will torture you 
> 
> Gaara: You will anyway, I have read your writing. Ah well, it has been 35 years, what is just a while longer... 
> 
> Andil: Ugh, fine, I will write for you. Who needs money anyway. 
> 
> Gaara: *Tiny smile* 
> 
> And that is the reason my novel once again gets pushed aside this week 
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading and comments always make my day!


	17. Coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am an insane person, I have been writing for hours to somehow give you guys yet another chapter, in less than a day. So tired.... (I didn't start writing this chapter until I posted the last one, if that says anything...)
> 
> Anyway...
> 
> I hope that you enjoyed this chapter as well! As always, please review, it makes my day :D

**Gaara**

I was finally alone. The meetings had been hard on me, I hadn't really wanted to attend them. I think it would have caused far more problems if I had just cancelled them without a reason. Well, there was a reason, but I would never divulge it. They would get angry that I had wasted the time of their respective countries, and was it my intention to start a new war, and how could I invite them all here if I had no intention of doing any work. At least, that would likely be the response if I just cancelled.

I really wanted to cancel. Out of everyone attending, _he_ would be there. Him and his golden hair and sky blue eyes and he would want me to talk. I wasn't ready to talk. I didn't want to tell him what had happened to me back there.

It was embarrassing. Who wanted to admit the fact that they killed everything that dared come near them while they slept without any ability to stop it? I could have killed Naruto. Honestly, I was unsure how he had indeed survived my episode. Not that I wasn't grateful for that fact. I purposely had stayed inside the sand so that I wouldn't see what I had done, though I did get a glimpse of it just before I shut myself away.

My inability to figure out what to say to him, as well as being surrounded by others was the first reason to avoid him, with these people around and their prying eyes and ears. The conversation I knew that I would eventually have to have with him, just to explain myself. There was also that _other_ reason. I felt myself heat up at the thought of it, a strange tickle formed just behind my navel. I shivered. That feeling, it had been too much for me. It had been... I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to calm down my heart. It was too much. Why would he have done that with me? Of all the things he could have done, he chose _that_. He had to have known about my... Issues.

Yet.

I gripped my desk. Somehow, my own body had betrayed me, reacted to him, allowed his touch.

It had been...

Strange.

I let out a breath. I would need to talk to him. I wasn't ready to talk to him. I had noticed him get angry and storm off during the meeting. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. Not because I was angry at him- why would I be? I had nearly killed him, on three separate occasions. I was still trying to forgive myself for the lesser two, and far from forgiving myself for the other. It was also not because of any of the events that happened, though it was stemmed from that. That odd heat spread to my chest.

Yes, completely stemmed from that. I put every ounce of my energy into avoiding his very presence. It was too dangerous for me. When I left them all in the desert, I just needed time to calm myself down, that nightmare, that memory and what had happened over the past few days had put me in a bit of a 'killing' mood. It hadn't helped that he had reminded me that I would have to deal with politics later, whether I liked it or not. Being reminded of my duty pulled me out of my cocoon, but I couldn't stay. If I had stayed, I likely would have done or said something that I would likely have regretted later on. It was probably a defense mechanism.

A small shooting pain crawled up my back as I shifted in my chair. The tingle, the warmth all the emotion of earlier vanished. I still hadn't fully recovered from earlier. I swallowed and tried to ignore it.

Pain.

I hate pain. Even the memory of it consumes me and puts me into a panicked frenzy. My body had been aching from the memory of it still. My stomach twisted and I could feel my sand begin to dampen with my sweat, flashes of blue and red chakra and intense mind altering pain teased at the edges of my mind.

I gripped the desk. _Not this. Don't think of this._ My breath quickened and I fought to control it. _Gaara, you are the Kazekage, you are stronger than this._

My heart raced and I started to hyperventilate. My entire body started to shake as I felt that odd fear that made my blood run cold. _Focus_.

Breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. _Focus_. Breathe in. Breathe out. I focused my eyes on a dot I had carved directly in the middle of my desk and concentrated on it. I trembled a moment, but then after a while I felt my heart return to a normal state, my breathing becoming more regular. I forced myself to lean back into my chair, my muscles still tense. _Panic attack._ That is what Temari had called it after my first episode. They annoyed me, made me a weak pathetic mess. It had been a while since I had to deal with one.

How very wonderful for them to start back up. I sighed. At least I was smart enough to leave my focus point on my desk, just in case.

I was going to kill whoever the hell did this. I would torture them, remove every limb, slowly, force them to feel every ounce of pain before I bathed in every drop of their blood for trying to pull off such a terrible assassination. For possibly ruining my friendship with him. Someone had to be responsible for what had happened, responsible for me nearly killing Naruto, responsible for putting my family in danger, responsible for my nightmare because, honestly, if it wasn't for the whole 'killing Naruto' incident, he wouldn't have done _that_ and I wouldn't have fallen asleep in the first place.

Which of course, brought me back to my original train of thought. I had been avoiding him. Because I knew that if I looked at him, I would remember, I would remember the sounds he made, the way that he breathed my name, what I had felt, that intense warmth he had surrounded me with.

I wasn't sure how I would handle it, my body was unused to such sensations, my mind had never been accustomed to controlling such thoughts. I simply didn't get them.

I couldn't risk getting flustered in front of my guests. Or my body reacting to him. I wouldn't have been able to focus, not even slightly, if that had happened. The memory was too fresh, too overwhelming, too confusing.

And forbid if my body reacted and someone had noticed.

I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. Any of it. It was too much.

But I knew I needed to talk to him.

I wasn't ready to talk to him. I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ceiling, allowing my face to blank. I was torn between wanting to see him, and wanting to hide from him.

I brought my gaze back down when the door to my office opened and Kankuro stepped inside, my long coat in his arms. "I see you have retrieved my coat from the Hokage. It will need to be repaired." Even folded in his arms like that I could see how the seams were frayed.

He had an odd expression on his face. It was like dread. But what would he have to dread? Perhaps I was reading it wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. "Yeah, so umm, say Gaara, why did you give it to him anyway? You had to have known it wouldn't fit."

I quietly stared at him a moment, wondering how much Uzumaki had already told him. Might as well keep it simple and to the point. "He was naked." I raised my brow, daring him to continue.

He blushed a little then took a deep breath. "Are you alright Gaara?"

I relaxed a little. Maybe that look he had was worry. "I will be fine, Kankuro." _I hope_. I stood from my desk and walked over to the window, looking out and noticing that the stars were out. Maybe it was a sign. I needed to see him, whether I was ready or not. "Kankuro... Do you know the location where Naruto might be? I was hoping to speak to him."

I waited for him to answer, but was only greeted with silence in return. I frowned and turned from the window. That odd look on his face was intensified, his brows pursed and he was gripping my coat a bit tighter than was necessary. My heart launched itself into my throat. There was something wrong. "Kankuro." I kept my voice low.

"I seen him."

I narrowed my eyes and took a step closer to him. He was hiding something from me and I had a feeling it was rather important. "Kankuro, you will tell me what you know."

"Gone." He swallowed, the single word spilling out of his mouth with no other explanation.

"Gone? Shouldn't you go get him then? He couldn't be that far. Suna is large, but everyone is findable if you look hard enough." I was confused. Was he hiding from me?

"Hey, Listen, Gaara, you gotta understand-" He was stuttering, then mumbled something under his breath. "Damn it Gaara, he is gone. As in left."

"He... left?" I stared at him while I processed the information. My eyes widened as it finally sunk in. Gone. He left. My stomach twisted violently.

"He left while the meeting was still going. Said something about not caring and that he would see you in two months." Not caring? With every word I became more and more dizzy. He left me.

"He's... He left me?" I felt my knees go out and I fell to the floor.

"Gaara!" He rushed towards me and I blocked him with my sand.

It felt like the ground beneath me was going to split open and swallow me whole. Maybe he regretted what he had done. I wasn't sure how it would fix anything and all it had done was left me confused, but...

He left. He hadn't even tried to say goodbye. Maybe I should have tried talking to him earlier. Maybe I should have stayed. Maybe I shouldn't have closed myself off so soon after I woke up.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Konoha in the first place. None of this would have happened.

Naruto would never have been hurt.

He would still want to be my friend.

I drew my knees in, calling on my sand to surround me and block out the world.

I knew he would hate me for what I had done to him. I let him brood on it for too long.

He left me.

I was alone.

 _Alone_.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I was getting anxious. I had two visits. Two visits to get him to forgive me, to convince him to be my friend again. It had been torture. There had been no word from him, no communications, no letters, no calls, nothing. I had seen a few transmitted interviews that had been taped to video that at least let me know he was still alive. He was looking sick again though. Maybe there really was something that was seriously wrong with him. It wasn't overly obvious, but as he sat in the interview chair he looked slightly paler than he usually did, slightly... off. he still wore his big smile and laughed as heartily as ever. I had watched the video of him so many times that Kankuro had confiscated it from me, in spite of my threats to kill him.

I had memorized the video though. It was short, but it was enough to leave me hope.

He was smiling. Happy. I hoped that my visit wouldn't make that go away. I had almost wanted to cancel the meeting, or push it back some. I was afraid that my assumption that he had effectively ended our friendship the day that he had run from Suna was correct.

I never wanted to be wrong so much in my life. I wouldn't know what to do, without Naruto Uzumaki. I couldn't just leave him in memory could I? No, that notion was impossible. I would just have to work harder on everything, make him see that I would do anything for him. Make him realize that our friendship was greater than our mistakes, that it could survive what had happened to us. It was too important, too precious to give up on so easily. I would grovel if I had to.

Well, grovel as well as I could. I wasn't quite sure I could really pull it off without looking ridiculous, but if that is what it would take, I would. I moved my arms about, directing my sand to gather my miscellaneous belongings that were best for travel. My Kazekage robes, my repaired long coat, a couple of regular outfits, the fighting uniform that I would wear under my long coat. I would gather the food later. One more day.

One more day and I would be heading to Konoha.

The last two months took far too long for my personal liking.

I probably should have just run after him.

That likely would not have been a good idea.

The door opened. "Father." Shinki.

I looked over my shoulder at him. he stood in the doorway, his arms crossed and a frown on his lips. It was obvious that he wasn't working today as he wasn't wearing his face paint. "Is there something you need?" I lowered my arms and gathered the sand back into a gourd and set it on the chair above the pack I had been filling.

"I was wondering if I could watch in on Baki while you were away on your trip, maybe work with him. I have a mission in a few days, but until then I'd like to see-"

"See how someone else runs Suna? You disprove of how I do things?" I narrowed my eyes.

He looked shocked a moment. "Father, I..." He clenched his fists. "Fine, whatever, I won't disappoint you while you are absent. Enjoy your trip."

Before I could respond he was out of my room. I stared at the door as it slammed shut. I should go after him. But that might be a bad idea. What if I made it worse? What if he really wanted to use it as a learning opportunity instead of trying to pick apart my own style of leadership? Was I hindering him?

He was going to be Kazekage someday, when I either died or retired. Where was Kankuro when I needed him? He was better at these things. I sighed. What had made me think that I could pull of being a father? I had no idea what to do, it wasn't like I had any examples to go by. The closest was Yashamaru, but that was sort of a twisted relationship to try and go by, and it only was until I was six. I had raised myself from that point. The only reason I ended up with a stipend from Father was because he wanted me to stop killing people for food and money. I had been a bit disappointed at the time, it was one less excuse to give blood to Mother.

I had never paid any attention to other families, and my own deranged fantasy was beyond simple. Everyone happy and smiling, playing games and just enjoying the existence of the others. Family. I had worked hard to form one. It was a bit odd and dysfunctional, but it was family. I had brought Shinki in when he was four and Kankuro helped me raise him. Or rather he mostly raised him along with Matsuri and half the guard and staff that I was surrounded by. I tried, but I just wasn't good at it. He was just too touchy at first. It had taken me a while to get used to it and to get him to mostly stop. Touching, it wasn't good on my nerves.

The door opened again, this time Kankuro was looming in the doorway, his face revealing that he was likely angry with me. "What the heck did you do to Shinki, Gaara? Kid's practically in tears."

"He asked to watch Baki work while I was away. I may have indirectly implied that he was trying to undermine my way of doing things." I kept my face blank and my voice flat. I still was unsure if I had done anything wrong.

"Damn it Gaara, now I gotta go do damage control, thanks."

Apparently, I had. I sighed. "I'm sorry that I am not better at this." I looked away as a thought came to me, "Do you think that he hates me as well, Kankuro?"

He paused at the door and looked at me, his eyes wide. Surprise. "Why in the hell would you think that? And who else do you think hates you anyway?" He held up his hand, "Ya know, forget I asked that, don't answer. Stop being so hard on yourself. People care about you more than you know alright? Can't you ever just accept that? Haven't they all proven that to you by now?"

I stared at him. Were those rhetorical questions? "I... It's hard for me still." I didn't want to explain that. He would know what I meant.

"Yeah, I know. Still, let him work with Baki this time. The way you do things is pretty much impossible for every other human being on the planet, he is going to have to find his own way, Gaara. It doesn't mean he is trying to undermine everything you have accomplished."

I nodded slowly. "To learn, I shall permit it then." I felt... sad, somehow. Shinki was getting older, I didn't want to think about him taking the title yet. I know I had been fifteen when I started to rule Suna, but I thrived in the position, it kept me occupied, sane.

And I didn't want Shinki growing up yet. I still seen that little lost four year old every time I looked at him. Soon, he would leave me to start living his own life. I didn't have to help that along, now did I?

Kankuro smiled at me. "See, that wasn't all that hard now was it?"

I glared at him. "Perhaps you would like to jump out the window."

"Touchy." He scooted away from the door before I attempted to help him with the jumping out the window threat.

I had my limits for teasing. I wasn't in the mood. I was getting ready to go to Konoha. To see Naruto.

My body tensed. I would be seeing him, talking to him, touching him for the first time in two months. It wasn't the longest we had been without seeing each other, but with the way things were left, it felt like it had been years.

I was filled with uncertainty, dread and hope, a strange mix of emotion. It had taken me a few days to pull myself out of my depression after he had left, another week to fully come to terms with it, and by the end of the month I was outright obsessed.

Which was why Kankuro took my video away and told me I wasn't being 'healthy about this'.

And my book of possible outcomes.

That bastard. How was I to be prepared if I did not account for every possible scenario?

Now, I would be seeing him soon.

Was I ready?

I tied my pack shut with the faintest of smiles. Maybe not, but there was only one way to find out.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 


	18. Waiting

  
**Naruto**

I felt like Shit.  Complete and utter Shit.  Every tiny place in my body ached like freaking hell. On top of it a couple weeks ago my stomach decided to act up and I found myself in the bathroom hugging the toilet far more often than I cared to admit.  It was getting harder to hide it, even my clones were starting to show signs of how I was feeling, but damn, I really didn't want to talk to Sakura about it.  Not yet. Definitely not grandma Tsunade, since I had a feeling that this had something to do with what she did to me, the old hag.  Because this was like how I felt just before my stupid wish came true, but on freaking steroids.  And it didn't stop or go away, it just kept getting worse.

What the hell was I doing?  I stared at my desk, a few scattered papers were tossed there haphazardly and I realized that I hadn't read a single one.  I groaned.  My job was getting to be annoying, it was getting harder to concentrate while I felt like this.

It also didn't help that I had a meeting tomorrow.  That red haired bastard never even bothered to write me.

Or call, even though we both really sucked at the whole telephone thing and usually just ended up breathing at each other before one of us freaked out and just hung up on the other. It would have been awkward, but at least it would have been contact. Not a single word.

I hate him.

I laughed at the thought.  Like I could.  I would be fooling myself that the fact he would be here soon wasn't half the reason I couldn't concentrate on my work.  I shifted and winced at the jolt of pain that shot through my back at the movement.  The only problem I had, the only concern was that this feeling was too similar.

Too close to how I had felt before...

I closed my eyes as I attempted to push that memory away.  Fear, pain, guilt, worry.  No, I wouldn't let the past ruin what little fragment of a friendship I was desperately clinging to.  I would get him to forgive me.  Make him see that our friendship was too precious to just throw away like that.  I had two meetings and a day of stalking him to make him see reason.

To hell with how I was feeling.

I just hoped that my wish hadn't come back to haunt me, and I was just legitimately sick.  I'm not sure I could handle another incident like before.

Stupid daydream plagued with sand.

I could still remember how it had felt as the sand ripped apart my body, remembered the guilt, pain and blood.  If that were to happen again with me already in the state I was in, I wasn't sure I would make it. Which made me remember my other problem. I wasn't healing like I should.

I couldn't even get my tiny paper cuts to heal.

It kinda was freaking me out a little.

"Hey dad!" A bubbly looking blonde with two whisker marks on each of his cheeks peeked his head into my office.

"Boruto!"  I gave my widest grin and waved, half standing up from my desk.  I ignored the pain that followed, still determined to hide the fact I wasn't feeling well.

"Want to go out for some ramen?" He smiled at me and bounced a little in excitement.

I looked at my desk.  "I should probably finish these."

He groaned,  "Mom said Uncle Gaara is coming tomorrow so I know you're not actually working today, don't lie about it."

I sighed.  Even my own kid knew I had a weird obsession with the guy.  "Fine.  But it's Ichiraku or nothing!"

"Where else?" Boruto held his fingers in a 'v' then rushed forwards, grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the office.

I hoped I would keep my lunch down this time.  I would get so hungry I would eat anything, just to empty it back out a few hours later.   It would be a crime to do that to Ichiraku ramen. I kept myself in step with Boruto who was a giant bundle of energy. A chip off the old block, a mini me. But smarter like Hinata, but of the two of my kids he took after me the most. I smiled as we neared my old hangout.

I ordered my usual miso ramen and he followed suit. "Hey, this is the first time I've really seen you long enough to tell you anything since I got back from that stupid mission you stuck me with."

I froze. Mission? I had to think back on it a little and remembered that his was the team that had escorted that old woman who did this to me. I stared at him.

"Oi, you didn't forget what you had me do already did you, old man?" He shook his chopsticks at me, his eyes narrowed in accusation.

"Yeah, that old lady who paid a ridiculous amount of money for a personal escort team."

"She was crazy! Had to stop every twenty minutes and rest for thirty. It was the longest mission of my life." He gave an exasperated groan, "Give me something more interesting next time will ya?"

"Shikamaru usually helps with that, ask him. Lately I have other things I've been working on. The annual ten year peace treaty renewal with Suna is tomorrow."

He laughed, "Please, you are more worried about seeing Uncle Gaara, than you are of that treaty, you know. You have been out of it, Mom even said so."

"Tell me, do you know what happened to that old grandma you were escorting? I may have some... questions, that I want her to answer." Like if what I was feeling was normal, if the wish was ongoing, if there were other side effects I needed to worry about.

Our ramen came.

"Hmm? Oh, right. I think she is a couple of towns over. Don't remember the name of the one we dropped the old bag in, but I could point it out on a map if you needed me to." He broke his chopsticks apart and began eating.

"I'm going to have Shikamaru come by later and get the information from you." I stared into my ramen a moment before downing it. The smell was amazing, the broth, the noodles... And I was so damned hungry. It was getting more and more rare that anything even smelled good to me anymore so I was grateful that my favorite ramen had not yet made it to my 'avoid at all costs' list. By the time I tipped back the bowl and waved for another I noticed that Boruto was staring at me with a small frown.

"Dad, everything alright? You kind of looked a bit down just now. Something going on that is bugging you with the old lady?" He took another bite of ramen, but didn't move his eyes from me.

Well, yes Boruto, I have plenty that was bugging me about the old lady, and no, I am most definitely not alright. "I just have some concerns about her family's jutsu that I need to have sorted out."

"The wish jutsu? Why would you want to know more about that?"

I nearly dropped my chopsticks. "You know about that? What did she tell you?"

"Dang old man, you sound like she used it on you." His eyes widened. "She did, didn't she? What did you wish for anyway? Something stupid like a lifetime supply of ramen?" He laughed. "Too bad, the only thing she would go on about with it was that wishes were like a double edged sword or something like that. Not sure what she meant, but her catch phrase seemed to be 'careful what you wish for'. Not that I even believe that it works or anything." He took a bite, "Hunting her down to see why it isn't working? She is old, maybe her 'power' isn't what it used to be." He tipped up the bowl and slurped up the broth.

I just stared at him, forgetting my second bowl of ramen for a moment, then decided it was probably a good idea to eat it so as not to answer him. A double edged sword? What in the hell could that mean? After tipping back my own bowl for the last bits of broth I scooted the bowl away. "I think I'm done for now, thank you." The stall had a new employee, one I didn't recognize. He had brown hair tied back into a high ponytail even though it was barely long enough, brown eyes, actually he was pretty average looking, really. Who was this guy? "Hey, what's your name? I don't think I've seen you before."

He blushed and scratched at his head. "Oh, my name is Tetsuo. I'm training, actually it is my first night alone. Everything is well?"

"Yeah, I only just noticed that the old man or Ayame wasn't here. I think you got the miso spot on." I smiled at him with a wide grin and the guy gave a relieved sigh.

"I'm glad. It is very important that I get everything right. I will only be here for around another month before heading back home."

I raised my brows at him. "Yeah? Where you from? They opening one there?"

He gave a squinty eyed smile in response. "Yeah, it is quite the honor, but it has already been open for a few years now, I will just be a backup chef. I'm from-"

"Da-ad!" We were interrupted by my impatient son.

Wait, there was another Ichiraku ramen that I didn't know about? Before I could demand the location I was effectively dragged out of the restaurant.

He dragged me along for a while before it registered where he was taking me. The training grounds. My stomach turned.

Anytime I used chakra my body would convulse a little. A few clones I could handle at this point, but a full blown training exercise? My mouth went dry at the thought. I would out myself. It would be obvious that I was not well, that there was something seriously wrong with me. I would have to see Sakura, or worse Tsunade, and I might have to admit to what I had done.

I wasn't ready to admit it yet. Soon maybe, and to somebody that might be able to help me, but not now, and most definitely not with my son. "Boruto, we can do something else today, hm?"

He stopped dead in his tracks, his shoulders flexed back as his muscles tightened. Fourteen. It was hard to believe he was already that old. It barely seemed all that long ago when I decided that I liked Hinata enough to try and return her feelings. The few months that we dated, the fact that the possibility of me marrying into the Hyuuga clan had already been discussed at length because of Hinata's long standing crush on me and it made our wedding impossibly fast after I had proposed. It still amazed me how quickly everything came together. Less than a year between accepting that someone could love me and getting married. It had been elaborate and so many people had come.

I smiled at the memory. Even Iruka had accepted to be present as my Father. Everyone came except Sasuke, though Sakura mentioned that he may have been watching from a distance. And Gaara...

I looked up at the sky vaguely registering that there was a voice trying to penetrate my thoughts. I gave an oomph as something painfully collided with my stomach, sending a shockwave of pain throughout my body and snapping my mind back into reality. "Jerk."

I blinked at him. "Boruto?" My son. He had been born within the first year of me marrying Hinata.

"It's been a little over five years since you became Hokage, and you almost never train with me." He rolled his eyes and poked at my chest, "You always say almost ten, I know, but not everything over five is almost ten, Dad, before you say it." He flashed a grin at me that reminded me of my own.

I sighed. Even in my own thoughts I rounded the number up. He was too much like me at times. I gave him a small smile and ruffled his hair, something that I had picked up from Iruka when I was young. I took a deep breath to contain the pain.

"Hey!"

I should probably visit him sometime soon, it had been a while.

I blinked as I wrestled my thoughts back to the present. Son. Wants attention. Freaking give him some for once, Uzumaki. I mean, honestly, could I be worse?

Yes, actually, I could have been like Gaara's father. That would suck, I didn't know much about the guy other than the bits Gaara told me, but he seemed like a right ass.

Gaara... He would be coming tomorrow. I looked down at the annoyed blonde haired boy who had eyes that looked so similar to my own. A familiar warmth flooded me as I looked down at him, the one that always did anytime I thought of him, or Himawari, my family. They were my everything.

"Cut it out will ya?" Boruto swatted at my hand and I realized that I had been messing with the kid's hair while I was thinking. Oops.

"We should still do something other than train, your old man isn't up for it today." I pulled my hand away from his head.

"Since when? You are always up for training when you actually have time for it."

My heart went to my throat. He was on to me. I eyed him a moment, knowing that I had to give him a satisfactory answer that was rooted in what was really going on, without actually letting him know that I felt like I was going to keel over at any moment. "Umm." Yes, start with that, it doesn't give away the fact I'm hiding anything at all. "I'm... not feeling well today." That was believable, it was true, but sounded like a complete lie because of the way my voice shook while I said it. I had the intense urge to fall upon my own sword in ceremonial suicide for the stupidity that I displayed to my own flesh and blood.

"Uh huh, right. You're sick. Whatever, what do you want to do?"

"How am I supposed to know, it's not like I planned this." I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth, and as I expected he looked as though I had slapped him across the face.

"You know, you don't _have_ to spend time with me." He took a step back.

My eyes widened. "I didn't mean-"

"Hey, whatever, I don't need you to keep busy, tsch."

"Boruto, I-"

And he was gone.

"Damn it!" Why did I always mess up with the people that mattered most to me? I clenched my hands into fists. I should hunt him down and spend the day with him. But damn, I freaking hurt. I took a deep breath. Maybe, if I walked slowly back home I would just randomly walk past him, and then I could get him to talk to me. Yes, that seemed like a plan. Walk, slowly, oh so very slowly back home. About halfway home I passed by a restaurant. The smell that had been coming from it was sweet, tangy and stung my nose. It was bad, and my stomach lurched. "Shit." I darted in an alley and heaved up the contents of my stomach. I fell to my knees and fought to catch my breath. Second time today. I decided that I really should talk to Sakura about this soon, I never got this sick. Anything that I ever had dealt with, even as a kid, would clear up within a day. It had been a nearly month now, a freaking _month_. What the hell?

Almost everything I smelled was bad for me and I had found myself spending way more time hugging the toilet than any normal human being should ever have to. Then to top it off was the pain, every bone, every muscle in my body ached and I hated it. Maybe I did end up with some weird side effect to that jutsu that old woman used on me. I hoped that Boruto would at least come through with what he had said and give Shikamaru that information so that we could hunt her down.

I shook as I forced myself back up onto my feet, feeling just a little better now that my stomach was empty. I took a deep breath. Maybe I would just go to the Hokage tower and sleep for a bit in my little apartment. Yes, that was a better idea. I wouldn't have to deal with my wife if she was home that way. I was just so tired...

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I pulled on my black pants and striped orange shirt. Today was the day. The day that Gaara was coming and I wasn't going to let my twisting stomach and the annoying, constant pain that surged through my body to keep me from seeing him. Soon he would be arriving at the gates and I could go and apologize to him and force him to forgive me. If it took me stalking him and annoying him half to death to get him to acknowledge me, then so be it.

"Hey dad, catch!" I smiled up at Boruto as he tossed me something and I reached up and caught it singlehandedly.

"What's this?" I looked down at the small object in my hands. "It's... a flower..." A carved one made of bone. I think it was bone anyway. "Bone?" I decided it would be better to know.

"Yeah, I picked it up yesterday in the market before I came over here. You know, you could have just said you were actually sick."

I glared at him. "I did."

"Yeah, well I didn't believe you, tsch." He flopped down on my bed next to me.

"I noticed."

"I said I was sorry!"

I rolled my eyes. I had forgotten that I had given him a key to my apartment here, and I was rudely awakened from my nap with a stomach full of Boruto. Which in turn made me empty whatever had mysteriously been left in my stomach. That was followed by a 'Oh, you really are sick, aren't you?' And he had been trying to doctor me ever since. Well, at least spent time with me, I was glad for that. I didn't spend enough time with him anymore. Or ever. I cringed at that thought. Work always was first, family second even though in my heart it was the other way around. I wish I knew how to be better. "So, what is this for anyway?" I twisted the little thing in my fingers. It was an oddity, but I liked weird things anyway.

"For Uncle Gaara. You screwed up something, so I thought I would help."

I stared at him, I tried to work out some words but nothing came to mind..

"You look like a fish." He playfully punched my thigh and flopped back onto the bed, hands behind his head. "You are pretty obvious, you are getting ready to meet him at the gate which you never do, and you were in a foul mood when you got back from Suna, according to pretty much everyone. Also heard you got back like a week early." He kicked his legs up, swinging them out one at a time and shaking the bed as he did. I grabbed his ankle as my stomach threatened to somehow find something else that it could release from my system. "Oh, right, sorry." He thankfully stilled his legs and curled up next to me. "And knowing you, it was likely you who messed up something."

"Such faith you have in your old man."

"Am I right?"

I sighed. "Whatever." I looked over at him and seen that he was staring up at the ceiling. He was getting older, there was no denying that. I reached out and brushed the hair away from his eyes.

"Hey!" He pouted at me and rubbed the spot I had touched on his forehead. "Stop being all mushy." I couldn't help but see the big smile that followed the words.

Something right. I smiled at the thought that maybe, mixed into the everything I did wrong, I managed to do enough things that were right. "You know I love you, right?"

He gagged sarcastically and sat up, nudging me with his elbow. "Yeah, I know." He looked up at me out of the corner of his eye, "I love you too, you know."

I smiled softly at him. "Yeah, I know." I ruffled his hair before that warm feeling felt like too much for me and I stood up. "I should probably get going though. He could be here anytime. If he is early, and I miss him..."

He laughed, "Eh, You will be fine." He raised his arm up, his hand in a fist. "Win him over, hm?"

I stared a moment.

"Not like _that_ , you freak!" Boruto turned a deep shade of red and dropped his hand. "Ew, that mental image is just gross. Man, I gotta watch what I say."

I laughed. "How about I just mend a friendship huh?" I held my own fist out, not wanting to admit that winning him over a little was actually what I kind of was intending. Maybe.

He refused to look at me but raised his hand and bumped my knuckles with his own. "Yeah, good luck, Dad." He took a deep breath and turned back to me, a slight blush still shading his cheeks. "And don't forget the flower? It is supposed to be a luck charm or something."

"Luck charm huh?" I looked back down at the little bone flower. "I need as much luck as I can get." I muttered out the last bit to myself and headed off. I ignored the pain that shot up my legs as I ran to the gates, a big smile on my face that I couldn't get to leave. Gaara was coming.

Gaara.

I felt my face grow hot while I thought of him. I shouldn't be this excited to have him coming for a meeting. It was just freaking Gaara. Gaara who was mad at me. Gaara who wasn't speaking to me. Gaara who I had coerced into having sex with me when it was obvious he had no freaking experience.

Guilt. The exhilaration at the thought of him coming was immediately overshadowed by a dull ache in my chest.

Damn it. So much for the happy reunion idea.

I finally reached the gate and seen that Temari and Shikamaru were already there. What the hell? I thought I would be early. "Hey."

They looked up at me at the same time. "Naruto? Why are you here?"

I walked up to them and leaned against the gate. "I left."

"Yeah, that was a bit shitty of you." Shikamaru barely moved his eyes from me, his expression still as bored looking as when I had walked up.

"You at least told him goodbye didn't you?" Temari. The look in her eye looked like she had wanted to kill me. She already knew the answer to that question.

I swallowed to keep my mouth moist. "Well, no..."

She stepped forwards and grabbed me by my shirt. Her eyes were narrow and a crease between her brow was visible. ""Naruto, if you did something..." She left her threat hanging. It didn't need to have anything else attached to it to know she would peel the skin from my body with her fan.

"I'm surprised you aren't mad at him yourself." I really wasn't in the mood to deal with this.

She released me, her anger melted away into confusion. Why couldn't Gaara be that easy to read? I frowned. What kind of thought was that? He wouldn't be the puzzle, the fragility and the danger that was Gaara. "Why would I be mad at Gaara?"

I stared at her. Then I looked over to Shikamaru. "You didn't tell her?"

"Guys?" We ignored her.

He groaned. "Damn it Naruto, you are troublesome. I wasn't planning on it, no. It only would make her mad, and she doesn't cook when she is mad. Or other things, and I happen to like that sort of thing. Just because you and Hinata-"

"Don't" My voice lowered. Just because I confided in him, didn't mean he had to use that information against me.

His eyes widened. "Naruto, I -"

"What did Gaara do?" She bashed Shikamaru on the back of his head mid apology and I swear I could see steam rolling off of her body, her face red.

"He led us into the desert." Shikamaru was looking away from her, staring at something off to the side.

She turned to me. Shit. "Naruto. Obviously my lazy ass husband doesn't want me to know, so what in the hell did Gaara do that had you convinced that I would be mad at him?"

"He led us into a sandstorm." It wasn't my fault her husband and my personal advisor had decided to keep that information to himself. Served him right for bringing up my issues with my wife. _Bastard_.

Her eyes widened. "He did what?" She turned to her husband, her eyes ablaze, "Why didn't you tell me? Why would he do something like that? He hasn't tried to kill any of us since he was twelve!"

He groaned. "Calm down, woman, it's not a big deal." His eyes narrowed and he looked at me, a small smirk appearing on his lips. "What is a big deal, is the fact that he got holed up with Naruto in a cave somewhere for a few days and your precious little brother fell asleep. Still haven't gotten a reason on how all that even happened, or how he managed to escape that with just a gash on his arm."

I stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth in my shock. "What the hell Shikamaru?" The realization that he had just turned his wife's wrath on me made me almost want to run. But Gaara, and I really didn't want to deal with anymore pain after I had stupidly run here. So I stayed put, preparing myself for the worse.

He looked down as Temari shifted her focus back to me, her anger gone and a look of what either was shock or confusion gracing her face. Maybe it was both. It probably was both. "Naruto, you brought this on yourself. Self preservation, my friend. I have to go home and sleep next to her, and I would prefer to keep myself in my comfortable bed rather than spend the next few nights on the couch. Sorry."

Temari barely reacted to what he had said and stepped closer to me. "He slept? How do you know he slept? He rests all the time, he could have been resting..." This time it was panic setting on her features. Her hands came out and rested on my shoulders, searching my features, then staring directly into my own eyes. They really were similar to Gaara's, but still a bit darker. I preferred his.

I licked my lips. "Yeah, he was asleep. He looked so peaceful at first and I didn't want to disturb him, but..." I took a deep breath and noticed that she seemed to be holding her breath. I closed my eyes, pushing away the instant images in my head from that dreadful morning. The look of pain, of fear, the way his body twisted in mid-air, that scream that even the memory of made my blood cold. "I should have tried to wake him up. I don't ever want him to go through that again." I slumped a little. I felt so guilty about everything, for making that wish in the first place even though it was just a stupid fantasy, for letting him separate me from the rest, for goading him, for thinking that I could stop him from taking me, for my stupid solution on how to fix things by once again forcing him to have sex with me, and lastly for letting him sleep. No wonder he hadn't wanted to talk to me. I should have waited, given him more time. I am such an idiot. "I shouldn't have left, I need him to know that."

She just stared at me a moment, her brows furrowed as she contemplated what I had said. "What... What made him fall asleep?"

I stiffened and my heart pounded loudly in my chest. Well, I couldn't exactly tell her what had really happened could I? I would be dead before he would even arrive. What could I say to her that wasn't a complete lie? I thought about it for a moment and sighed. I looked away from her, my heart sinking in my chest. "I really don't want to say. Please don't ask me again." The words that came from me were soft, pleading. There was nothing I could say. Nothing that would make her happy. The truth, the truth was worse. It was because of me, because of what I had done, because I forced his body to release too much tension, all of it was my fault. I wanted to be more ashamed of it, the memories, I wanted me to regret it more than I did.

Yes, I regretted the way that it had happened, but... I shivered as the better end of my memory came back to me. After the initial pain, before he fell asleep there was a moment of immense bliss. The memory made me crave... I blinked at the unfinished thought. Crave... that feeling? Yes, that must be it. I looked past the gates to the direction he would be coming.

Hinata. Things had become even more tense between us after I had come home. She knew something had been wrong, and she knew it was something with Gaara. She just... _knew_. She was so weird. Though, I had made it a little obvious, I hadn't actually been with her that way since I had sent a clone in my stead a few years ago. That would be a mistake I would remember for the rest of my life. I had woke from a dead sleep with the memories of the clone that had popped in the middle of their 'activities', and the unfortunate physical leftovers from it had me in desperate need of a cold shower. Hinata didn't speak to me for a week.

Not that I blamed her. I sighed, ignoring the stares that I felt drilling holes into my skull. I dully noted that the soft weight on my shoulders had gone away. They were leaving me to my thoughts. While I waited, I figured why not? I had so much to think about, so why not while I waited? Hinata. My wife. The mother of my children. She deserved more than me, more than I had the ability to give, she just simply deserved _more._ Her love was more than I could handle most of the time. I tried, I really did. For a while it worked, I tricked myself into thinking that everything was perfect, I was happy. She was everything I needed, she was comforting, she was soft and caring and everything I needed. She was.

I thought she was. The attention she showered me in those first few months of our marriage was a miracle to me. I was barely able to concede to the way the villagers were treating me- like I was some kind of savior, and then, when I came home there she was, open arms with that sweet smile, allowing me access to the parts of her no other person could ever touch. It was heady, it was exciting, it was everything I had ever craved in my entire life.

But that was the problem. I let out a breath. After Boruto was born, the problems started. They got worse after Himawari, and then after the clone incident...

I felt sick again. Not because of the nausea, but for the realization that I really wasn't happy. Happy. What was it anyway, but for moments? Was it even possible to be truly happy? The old woman's words echoed in my head as I stared out into the distance. My fantasy, the fact that I didn't regret everything that happened in spite of the heaviness of the guilt I had for cheating on Hinata...

It added to the truth in my mind. I was not happy. Maybe for longer than I cared to admit to. Perhaps, soon, I should talk to Hinata about it. If it was even possible to fix this. I hoped so.

But for now, for now I waited for my friend. My friend who I needed to keep, the one who always was there for me, even if we hadn't seen each other in years. I needed that. It was the only bond I had that I felt truly myself when around them.

Gaara.

**_Please forgive me._ **

****o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am actually thinking about making a small ficlet at some point that will detail the notebook of possibilities that Gaara wrote down while he waited to visit Konoha. I think it would be amusing to see the lighter side of obsessing Gaara, and how he interacts with his brother.
> 
> Sorry that the meeting wasn't in this chapter, I had meant it to but I couldn't help but do one that had Boruto in it as the opportunities for that will become harder as the story goes on. Pretty sure he is OOC, but there isn't a lot on him yet, and I could only watch bits of the movie so far. Also, I kind of want to start it out in Gaara's perspective, I write better on his side anyway hehe.
> 
> The answers to the why Naruto changed back into a guy will be coming up soon.
> 
> Please review, it always serves to inspire!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long one! I thought about splitting it up into two, but I couldn't see a good spot to do it, and just kept it going in one long blurb. But hey, it is all Gaara!
> 
> Thank you again for the comments, and I might just say, you are on to something ;)
> 
> As always, I love getting reviews, and it always serves to inspire! Thank you again for reading.

 

**Gaara**

I paused within meters of the expanse of trees that would reveal the gates to Konoha, forcing my three companions to stop in their tracks and stare at me. This time around, Matsuri also had been brought along, she had been begging for a mission and I trusted her well enough to accompany me. Besides, I had a little soft spot for her, in spite of my annoyance with her while we had been teens. I still held her personally responsible for all the strange girls that left trinkets on my doorstep every morning until I adopted Shinki.

I shuddered. I still didn't know how I was supposed to react to such attention, even though Kankuro insisted that I should be happy with such things. I wasn't and I had no intention of changing my mind on that matter.

I pulled myself from those thoughts to bring my attention back to those who had accompanied me. Kankuro separated himself and came up next to me, a small smile on his face. "Hey, you alright?"

I swallowed, the lump in my throat had been growing larger with every step that I had taken since leaving the desert. Was I really ready for this? Though I had come up with a total of 27 possible outcomes before Kankuro swiped my book and tore it to shreds, I only came up with two reactions of my own should said possibilities arise. The first two on my list, the first being that he would not see me himself. In that possibility I would hunt him down and demand an audience with him, even if I had to use my sand to break down his door and shut him in a cocoon with me until he responded. Number 2- I am greeted at the gate by a mass of clones, which had in fact been something he had done before, I would simply do what I had in the past and destroy them meticulously until I found the real one, then also demand a private audience with him so that we could talk.

I still wasn't sure I was even ready for that even though I knew it needed to happen. "Gaara, earth to Gaara, you are still in there aren't you buddy?" An offending hand dared wave itself in my face.

I growled and batted it away from me. I glared at my brother who looked far too pleased with himself. "I'm _fine_."

He gave a half laugh, "Right, sure you are, and fish swim in the desert."

I felt my body stiffen as I eyed the other two people in our group. I wasn't fond of having others listen in on my personal conversations. "Go on ahead, we will catch up to you." They both nodded at me in acknowledgement and did as they were told. Well, my attendance to Konoha would be outed with their arrival. I wondered if Naruto would even notice. I felt cold with that thought and turned back to my brother. "Kankuro..." I trailed off and crossed my arms. I took a breath when I noticed he wouldn't simply respond to his name. I had hoped that he would somehow know what was in my head and be able to give a satisfactory answer that could possibly assuage my fears. "I know that it is possible, but what if he really doesn't intend to see me himself? What if he left the village?" I cringed inwardly as I realized that I had opened the floodgates to my worries and that I couldn't stop the barrage of questions that were leaving my mouth. "What if he has Shikamaru handle the agreements? What if he attacks me when I get there? What if he cancels the treaty? What if he won't stay my friend?..." The last question was quieter than the others, the one that worried me most. That no matter how much I explained, no matter the words of apology of what had happened, that even if the events that had occurred between us were neither of our faults and I still had not managed any information on the culprit... That he would not forgive me, that he wouldn't be able to look at me without being reminded of the pain I had put him through, that-

 **"Gaara."** I blinked as I focused my eyes on Kankuro. His face looked far more square in shape than usual with the way he had painted it this time, the paint accentuating how serious he was, his brow set, his lips thin. He brought his hands to my shoulders. I flinched momentarily from his action before I reminded myself that it was just Kankuro and settled into the touch. "Everything will be fine, you got it? I doubt that Uzumaki kid could ever hold anything against you for too long." He gave a single small jarring shake to my shoulders for emphasis and released them.

"You think so?" I realized that I had an odd tightness between my eyes and raised my hand to feel what was there. My eyes widened a moment and I forced my expression back to its usual blank. I had let my emotions show without realizing. No wonder Kankuro asked.

He grinned at me. "Yeah... Besides..." His expression changed and I froze at it. A large grin spread on his face so that his teeth showed, and his face paint dipped down in the middle. He was up to something, I knew that look far too well. "I highly doubt that he would ever do numbers one, three, nine, twenty-two and most definitely not number twenty-seven. I don't even want to know why number twenty-seven was even in there in the first place. You hoping for something weird, little brother?"

I stared at him a moment while what he was saying registered in my mind. Wait... He couldn't have... "You read it?" A knot formed in my stomach at the thought of him not only reading my book of possibilities but memorizing it. "I watched you destroy it!"

His evil grin deepened. "I used a replacement jutsu. You really think I would pass up an opportunity to see into the inner workings of my little brother's mind? I must say, I was rewarded well."

"You... You..." I felt my sand agitate in my gourd. I will kill him. To hell with the fact that there might be witnesses, that I was nearly in sight range of the very village that I was about to sign a treaty with. This man was going to die. I lowered my voice. "I am going to kill you."

He dared laugh. "I would like to see you try." He brought out a flying puppet. Well, that was new. No matter, I would still kill him, paint my sand red with his blood.

He would regret this.

Not that he would live long enough to get to the point of being able to regret it.

I lunged forwards, streaming my sand out of my gourd and throwing it in his direction. He swiftly jumped up, landed in a crouched position on his new flying puppet. One hand on it's back and one hand up, his fingers twisted and twitched as the bird took off towards Konoha.

"Get back here you coward, and die like a man!" I gathered my sand and followed him at full speed.

"That ain't happening today, bro!" He dared laugh again and passed through the gates.

Damn him. I shot my sand out further, forcing it to go faster. I would kill him this time and feed my sand the blood it so desired. Something came at me from the side and I pushed it aside. An attack from the side then? Fine, so be it. I switched the direction to the new threat, I could kill my brother later. I knew where he lived.

At the last possible second I realized that it wasn't an attack. Or at least an attack that I should defend myself from. A shock of blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes was hurdling its way to me, a weird smile plastered to its fake whiskered face. A clone? No... This was actually _him_. And I was just about to bludgeon him. Great way to apologize.

I swooped my arms out before me as I strained to break apart the dagger of sand speeding towards him. I barely was able to disperse my sand into a harmless cloud as he passed through it and barreled into me, forcing me off my small platform and landed on the ground beneath me with a thud that sent a small shock of pain through my spine. Just beyond me I heard a dull clang and realized that Kankuro was on the ground as well. I hadn't much time to think beyond that before something heavy landed on me forcing my breath to leave my body with a pained 'oomph'.

"Gaara, you came!"

I was pulled up by my collar and I felt arms wrap around me and he squeezed me so hard I thought for a moment that I would need to harden the sand on my body to keep myself from being crushed. I felt the beginnings of panic settling in, my heart sped up, my breath hitched in my throat. "Off me." It was the only words I could push out of my mouth, not fully aware of what was happening yet.

The warmth left me and I blinked at his retreated form and... Wait... Was he...

His arm went to his eyes and I rushed forwards to pull it down. "Naruto." He struggled a moment against me, but then allowed his arm to drop. "You are crying. Why?"

"I'm... I'm not crying." He paused and looked away from me, "I was afraid you wouldn't come, for a moment when I seen them come alone, I thought..." His breath caught and I heard him gasp a bit for air while his eyes tightened. "But I was being stupid again." His lips twitched up into a fake smile, "You came, you're here, so I'm fine."

My fingers twitched a moment and I hesitantly raised a hand to catch a tear as it fell from his chin, staring at it a moment before it disappeared into my sand. I looked back up to him with a slight frown and tilted my head. I was so confused. Wasn't he mad at me? "You left."

"You ignored me." We stared at each other a moment before he came forward and started to inspect me, poking around with my arms, back and shoulders. He placed his bandaged hand under my chin and tilted my head this way and that while I silently stared at him. He was warm and I swallowed as that tingle began to form in my stomach that had been plaguing me lately. He narrowed his eyes at me. "You are alright? It's hard to tell with you."

Well, at least I wouldn't have to half beg him for forgiveness, instead it seemed that I would have to ward him away from trying to molest me. Not that I fully minded. My eyes widened with the thought. I pushed his hand away from my chin as I remembered where we were and that we were hardly alone. That I wasn't sure if I could control the odd emotions that surfaced when I was around him. I narrowed my eyes and half growled at him, warning him to back off. "Don't touch me."

He blinked at me, his face oddly blank a moment and then he broke out into his wide elated grin. I felt myself relax. That, that was more like Naruto.

Everything was interrupted when my annoying brother began laughing so hard his eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Man was I wrong! You never wrote down how you would deal with things if more than one of your predictions happened at the same time, and I guess you were right about number twenty-seven after all!" He doubled over in laughter as I felt my heart race faster. He wouldn't...

"Shut up! Don't you dare!" I pushed my sand out and clamped it over his mouth. There was no way in hell I would allow him to mutter anything about my list, my desire to murder him renewed. "When we leave here, I shall kill you if you mutter one more word of this, you hear me?" I focused enough of my bloodlust into my eyes to help me get my point across, something I rarely allowed myself to do. I was not however, about to allow my brother to speak about my obsession induced list while I waited to come here, or that I had included that last one, number twenty-seven: Get molested by the Uzumaki. No, I would rather his blood be on my hands before I admitted that I had included that in my list, and that I may or may not have been slightly, ever so slightly anticipating such a thing.

His eyes were wide and he gave a slow nod. I removed the sand from his mouth. "Damn, Gaara. It was a freaking joke, learn to have a sense of humor will ya?" He rubbed his face where I had clamped my sand over his mouth. I was no longer in the mood to converse with anyone. I had the knowledge that Naruto Uzumaki was not going to avoid me, and for now that was enough. After I was able to calm my nerves I would seek him out and have the conversation I had been dreading. Perhaps after the meeting. For now...

"Hey, what was all that about, huh?" Naruto.

I looked back up to him after scanning the rest of the area, finally noticing that my sister and her husband also had come. That would be a good reason. I allowed my gaze to settle on him a moment while I worked the words out in my head. I kept my face blank and relaxed, my eyes unblinking. I'm not sure why but it always amused me when he shifted under my stare. I waited for it, and when his brow furrowed and his weight moved to his other leg I decided to end my stare. I looked over to Temari. "I should catch up with Temari and visit with my nephew, I did not see him on my last visit. I shall see you at the meeting later." I took a few steps then, "I look forward to it."

I dashed forwards, not ready to hear any response from him. I passed my sister and her husband, Matsuri and Junji, my brother. I really wasn't in the mood for talking. Not now.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I had lied. Well, sort of lied. I actually probably should catch up with Temari and visit my nephew. I simply was just not in the mood for that. I had found myself sitting on top of the tower that held darker memories of my childhood. The chunin exams had been held here. I found myself looking at a particular area of the forest where I had killed a team of hopefuls. My lips twitched upwards. I should feel more guilty about that instead of feeling so fond of that memory. I sighed. I remembered their screams, the way their life had seeped into my sand as I crushed them to death, shielding myself from their essence with an umbrella they themselves had so kindly brought me.

I really should feel more guilty about that. They must have had precious people that missed them. I sighed and shifted my eyes to the sky. How would I handle the situation with Naruto? Obviously we had miscommunicated about what had happened in Suna. He had mistook my silence as me ignoring him, and I in turn took his reaction to that as him possibly hating me. So now what? My body reacted again. That tingle in my stomach that was the first sign of _that_ happening, had started when he touched me. In his normal body and I still reacted that way? There was something wrong with me. I couldn't risk losing control again. What if it were to happen again? He already looked so sick.

My mouth turned to cotton. He looked sick. My stomach twisted and my mind was brought back to my friend. I had been so focused on what had been happening that I ignored how he was while he fawned over me. He was ill, I could tell. He was paler than usual and his face was a bit flushed. Was it from what had happened between us? Had I missed some sand and it had turned to infection? I felt my body begin to shake. If he were to die from infection...

I stood. This was no time to sulk. I would demand the meeting to begin early, and then demand that he get checked out. Or at least have our conversation and then demand it. He was not allowed to die before me, I am not sure I could handle that.

I jumped down, allowing the sand to catch me midway from the tower and I jumped off of it and landed running on the ground, pulling the sand after me and back into the gourd situated at my hip. I would get the meeting over with, then I would drag him off, by force if I had to, in order to make sure he was fine.

I just needed to know he was alright...

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I stared blankly at the treaty in front of me, pretending to read all the fine details, occasionally flipping a page to make it seem like that was precisely what it was that I was doing. I had other things on my mind however. This treaty never really changed, and I had read a previous version six months earlier and I highly doubted Naruto would knowingly stuff something strange into the document. Then again, he might just to spite me, or rather test me to see if I was actually reading this.

Oh well. If people from Suna suddenly had to walk on their hands everywhere while in Konoha every third Sunday because I decided that for once I didn't need to read something it was fine by me. I knew Naruto well enough that if he had actually slipped something in it would be something ridiculous like that. Maybe at the next treaty renewal I would try something like that. It would definitely slip through unless he forced Shikamaru look at it first, then I would have to just shrug it off. They would never question me, I was too honest and I could just stare at them a while until they gave up on their questioning if they found out. Yes, that seemed like a plan.

Wait, when was the last time I turned a page? I flipped it, moving my eyes to the beginning of the next page. I could at least try to be convincing at this. I usually took days to go over this treaty due to its importance, but I knew that Naruto would never betray me, so it was less pertinent I go over every detail. The last Hokage made me want to go every tiny detail, he had the audacity to read a book while I was going over it. I may have purposely drug that particular meeting out much longer than necessary due to my annoyance with his action. But Naruto, I trusted more than any other being. I betrayed myself and glance up at Naruto. He looked ashen, his normal sun kissed tan seemed to be fading. Was he not going outside at all? It had only been two months, could a tan fade so quickly? His eyes met mine a moment and I darted them back down to the paper in front of me. _Flip_. Had he seen a medic yet? They had to have noticed even if he hadn't, one of his old team mates was even a spectacular medic, surely she wouldn't allow him to casually kill himself off by ignoring a problem would she? _Flip_. Honestly, how could anyone not notice that he looked like he had crawled out of a plague infested bees nest? _Flip_. He better not be dying on me, after that two month fiasco he put me through. How dare he leave like that anyway? _Flip_. If he wasn't dying, maybe I could do the honors. I reached down to flip the next page and my fingers contacted the wood of the table beneath the treaty. I blinked at it a moment. That was the end of it then. I straightened in my chair and found that everyone in the room was staring at me with odd looks. "Everything is in order. We should sign." I wouldn't have even pretended to read it and just signed the thing if it weren't for protocol. If I hadn't had other things I was currently feeling was far more important I likely would have gone over the document for a couple days with a fine tooth comb. Maybe that was why they were staring at me that way.

"Did you... actually read that?" I moved my eyes to Kankuro.

"Would I have a reason not to?" Yes, I would actually, but they don't need to know that.

"Not that I know of?" He posed it like a question, his voice hitching on the last syllable.

I decided to ignore the unspoken accusation and turned to Shikamaru. "A pen if you will." I held out my hand, my fingers curled slightly and allowed a small frown to form on my lips. I just wanted to get it over with, corner the Hokage and force him to get well.

"Yeah, ok." His eyebrow raised at me but he complied. Smart man. I was losing patience with this whole thing.

I quickly signed it and moved it across the table. He shouldn't have to read it over as it was them who had made the final revision, thank goodness. Naruto always took way too long to go over paperwork, which might have been the reason Shikamaru insisted the final revision be made in Konoha. I stared at him as he flipped to the back page and signed his name next to mine. I felt the corner of my lip twitch. The first treaty renewal that he was personally involved with. It was my third. I had suggested the treaty be made within the first month I had taken office as the Kazekage. The alliance with Konoha had to be solidified, I owed them too much. I owed Naruto too much. It was just Konoha's good fortune that Naruto just happened to be part of Konoha. Otherwise I only had one other small tie to this village back then. Rock Lee. I had nearly crippled him, and I had not realized the extent until I had come back to help, and he had surprised me. He had forgiven me so easily. No wonder Naruto had been able to make friends here. Naruto shifted under my gaze.

"Don't get me wrong, Lord Kazekage, but doesn't this meeting usually last a few days in deliberation?" Shikamaru laced his words with a light acid in his tone. I could feel the accusation in his voice, his eyes were narrow when I looked over to him. He was at the last signing. I couldn't fool him with a lie.

"Yes." I didn't feel like making up an excuse. It would be pointless and the words would be unnecessary.

"What's the rush, then? Shouldn't this be broached with more caution than a brief glance at the treaty to make sure that it contained words?"

I glared. "I haven't the desire to explain myself or my actions." He might have been married to my sister, but I wasn't beyond maiming family members if the need arose.

He gave a 'humph' "Whatever. You are all impossible, so annoying. Why did I even bother coming here?" He sauntered over to the door, held up his hand in a half wave, "I'm out of here. I'd rather take a nap in the comfort of my own bed than deal with you two." He left swiftly.

That was one down. I looked to Kankuro and Junji who had accompanied me to the meeting. "Leave." I left my voice low and they followed my order, Kankuro likely still aiming not to get killed by me. They were at least used to me well enough that they knew when to argue with what I wanted. I darted my eyes to Naruto's attendants as well, but they were not so easily swayed. I groaned and looked to Naruto who was sitting silently across from me at the table. He shifted in his chair and I caught a small grimace that ghosted across his face at the movement. Had I not been half staring at him I likely would have missed it myself.

Maybe these people were more easily fooled by him. I understood him, and his masks were easy for me to uncover. I was better at that game than he was.

"Meetings over, you can head out. I'm headed downstairs, going to catch up with my friend here, ok?" He flashed his trademark grin, his eyes narrowed until his eyes could barely be seen. The Anbu in the room relaxed and filed out. Naruto stood, gingerly, after they were out of sight.

"Naruto..." I followed suit, standing from my chair.

"Not here, ok?" He gave me half a smile, headed towards the door and I followed. We rounded the hall, down a small staircase and then opened a wall that led to another staircase. He turned to me and smiled. "I got bored about six months after I became Hokage and decided to explore the place in the middle of the night while... Well, let's just say I wasn't home at that time for a while."

I raised a brow at him and followed him silently as I wondered what could have made him stay away from his home. Soon, we came to a door which he opened and slid inside. He motioned me forwards and I followed. It was a small apartment, if one could call it that. It was all contained in the same room. A miniature kitchenette, a tiny table and a bed. Next to the bed was a small bathroom which I could tell was barely big enough to use. Even from where I stood I could see every feature, a toilet, sink with mirror and a shower that would be highly difficult to navigate. I tilted my head at Naruto, curious as to why he had brought me here.

"My home away from home. Reminds me of my old place, you know? It was about the same size as this. Lived there until I married Hinata. They insisted on me getting a nice place, the Hyugas." He paused, an expression that I could not recognize flickered on his face before he smiled again. "Hinata, she deserves that much. A beautiful life. Don't you think?"

"Naruto?" He wasn't making sense to me. What was he going on about?

"I seen that you noticed. You are the first. I am fine though, I promise. After you leave, I think I will see Sakura. She will know what this is." I moved forwards as he swayed.

"You are unwell. How could anyone not notice this?" I caught him with my arm and helped him to the bed.

"I am good at hiding things, and people don't press me on anything so it is pretty easy to keep a secret if I wanted to. As long as I can anyway."

"Why are you telling me this?" I backed away from him slightly. Even he usually didn't spill so quickly on such personal things, and there seemed to be an undertone. Secrets. He... Wouldn't do such a thing to me, would he?

"Shikamaru warned me it would be days. We were in that room for fifteen minutes." He gave me a sideways glance, a small frown on his lips. "It was pretty obvious that you wanted to ask me how I was, so I answered without you having to ask."

I stared at him. Fifteen minutes? It had felt like it had been so much longer. No wonder I got questioned. I blinked as I recalled what Shikamaru had said and could now find the humor in it. I felt my lip twitch up in a smile. "Making sure the document had words. I should let him know that I actually found that amusing, just now."

"Huh?" A crease formed between his brows.

"Shikamaru's sarcasm." I hesitated a moment and decided to join him on the bed. There was a table, but I ruefully noticed that it had not been furnished with chairs. Why would he want to be in such an uncomfortable space?

"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper.

I felt my muscles tense. "What for?"

"Leaving."

I stared ahead at the kitchenette, studying the tiles carefully. I took a breath. This was it, the conversation I had been preparing myself for. Two months of careful debates, two months of what ifs, possibilities and lists.

I wasn't sure I was ready.

"I wanted to speak with you, after the meetings were done." I felt a weight on my shoulder followed by a sense of heat. I pushed down my conflicting desires to lean into him or throw him away from me. It was Naruto, I was fine. I took a breath to calm my nerves. _Be normal._ He was one who could touch me. I still had my limits though.

"I didn't know." His response was slow in coming, almost hesitant.

I shifted so that I could face him, and his hand trailed down my side then rested on my knee as he elicited a small whimper from the loss of my shoulder. A shiver ran down my spine and I stared at him, a bit puzzled.

His grip on my knee tightened. The look on his face was one I had seen only when we were in the cave, it was disconcerting to me. He was staring down at his hand, an odd look on his face. "Damn it."

"What is wrong?" My fingers twitched. It was odd how much heat could travel through my sand at his touch.

He nearly moved his hand from my knee, but he quickly placed it back with a small sigh. "I can't tell you." He squeezed me, "I just... It helps. Please don't ask why."

There it was again. He was keeping something from me, I didn't like it. I swallowed. Maybe that secrets comment had been made on my behalf after all. "Naruto..."

"Please?" He looked at me, a pleading look in his eyes.

I swallowed and nodded. For now, I would allow him his secret. For now. I squeezed my jaw a moment, feeling the muscle there jump in response to the movement. "About what happened... I haven't found any leads yet."

"You don't need to look, Gaara. Don't waste your resources on that." His face was set, serious. "I cannot say why or who, but it is being dealt with here."

I stared at him. He... He knew who did that? How could he not have mentioned it? How dare he! I moved away from him, ignoring the quick inhale of air that came from him at the loss of touch. "How... How could you just let me worry about... How could you just let me think that-" I was shaking and I fought to reel my words in. I was better than a reaction, I needed to think, I needed to...

He didn't respond as I worked at my emotions, instead, his hand went to his mouth, his eyes widened and he made a dead run to the bathroom. I heard him as the contents of his stomach was emptied into the toilet and I forced myself to look away, my own stomach turning at the sound. For some inexplicable reason him being sick calmed my nerves, or at least made my frustration with him fade. I took a deep breath and slowly neared the bathroom where he was resting on his knees, half hugging the porcelain in front of him. "You are ill."

Master of words and deductions.

"Yeah, I know." His voice was sharp, but gravelly. He glared up over his shoulder at me. "The day after you leave I am hunting down the woman that did this to me. It is kinda like a lifetime worth of being sick all stuffed into a month. It seriously sucks."

"Someone did this to you?" I stared at him dumbly. He had just lied to me about seeing Sakura when I left, didn't he? I wanted to be angry, but seeing him on the floor overrode what I should have felt and replaced it with the wish to help but... I wasn't sure how to handle this sort of thing. Kankuro always took care of Shinki when he got ill, and I always avoided Kankuro like the plague anytime he got ill. I had only been sick once, after I lost Shukaku.

I hated it.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath, shifted and sat with one knee up next to the toilet. He looked up at me for a moment with an unreadable expression. I shifted my weight to my other foot and he continued, "Remember when I told you about that old woman when we were in the cave?" I nodded, "Boruto is giving directions to Shikamaru on where her last known location was. Maybe she can fix whatever the hell is going on with me." A pause, "Hey, hand me a towel will ya? You're just standing there, be useful."

I turned to look around the bathroom and seen nothing obvious so peeked around the rest of the apartment. There wasn't any closets... I looked back to him and he sighed.

"Under the sink. You could ask, you know." His eyes followed me as I made my way to the sink and opened up the single door that was located underneath.

Inside were the basic bathroom essentials, and I took the single thin towel that was located inside. I offered it to him, arm fully outstretched. "I..." I blinked. I had no idea what to say, really. "Here."

He reached up and took the towel and buried his face in it. I heard a muffled "Thanks" and he leaned back against the wall, his legs outstretched before him. Slowly he lowered the towel and stared at me. "Stay."

I blinked at him. What? "Stay where?"

"Here, with me. It's late. You didn't get in until afternoon, then the wait, the meeting. Well, it is like nine I think, but damn, I'm freaking tired."

I knelt down in front of him. "You desire me to stay and watch you sleep?" Trusting.

He blushed and scratched the back of his head. "I have books, if I could just... I could use your lap as a pillow, maybe it would help and... But if you don't want to then you don't have to. I mean, it was a stupid idea, just forget it. I'm sick, remember?" He gave a half smile a small chuckle leaving him. He really was not looking well.

I stared at him a moment. Did he just ask to use me as a pillow? With everything that had happened between us? I narrowed my eyes at him, wondering if he noticed that I hadn't fully gotten over it yet. Had he? Is that why he seemed so unfazed by my presence here? "Do you think it will help?" My words betrayed me. No, I shouldn't.

"Maybe."

I stood and headed to his bed. I crawled up to the top, resting my back against the wall. What was I doing? "I demand that book." I folded my arms, not too happy with myself. Was I so starved for time with Naruto that I would stoop so low as to become his pillow? I wasn't even all that soft.

I heard the toilet flush and he left the bathroom, his steps slow, his movements hunched and he looked like he would fall over. "You will stay?"

I stared at him from my spot on his bed and kept quiet. I felt that my location and continued presence was an obvious answer and speaking would be unnecessary.

His lips twitched upward and he went to a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a small yet thick book. Even from my location, it looked worn. "I don't really keep many books, but this is special to me. It's... It's Jiraiya's first book."

I looked down at it as he held it out to me and I took it from him. His godfather. "I thought he only wrote dirty books."

"I did too, but, this one is a bit different. I think you will like it."

I opened the cover and spied something odd. "It is about you?"

"It was written before I was born." He ducked down and pulled something out from under the bed.

"I see." I looked up when he stood and he nearly fell over, his hand to his head.

He groaned. "Damn."

I returned my eyes to him. It was odd, but I hoped that somehow my presence actually would help him feel better. "You should lay down."

He looked up and pouted at me. "But I'm not dressed for it."

My eyes widened as he stared to remove his shirt. Tan skin and... What looked like a red spiral on his stomach. It seemed to throb in and out of existence, then disappeared a moment later. What... What was that? After that he put an odd looking cap on and gingerly laid in the bed, leaning back until his head landed on my thigh. I stared a moment longer at his stomach, but the odd symbol was already gone. Maybe it was my imagination. I blinked and looked back at the book, determined not to allow the heat of him on my thigh deter my thoughts.

"Hey, thanks for this." I looked down to see him close his eyes.

I used my sand to pull up a blanket that was folded at the end of the bed. It was best not for me to see him that way. I turned my attention to the book. It was a small treasure, it was precious to him. I smiled at it and opened it to the first page.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

After a few hours he shifted and shot straight up. "Fresh air."

I took the opportunity to shift and move my leg, which had fallen asleep within the first hour. I tilted my head slightly at the comment. "Hm?"

"I need outside. Walk with me?" He looked slightly better, but I still thought he could use another weeks worth of sleep. He held his arm up, hand outstretched.

It took me a moment to realize he wanted help up. I hesitated then grasped his hand, pulling him forward. He clambered to his feet with a deep groan. "You're... Ill." Present me with a ninety page amendment for a law that needed to be followed by policy change and a simple speech and I was brilliant. Try and console my best friend who looked like he just walked out of a grave and I was reduced to mental mush.

He glared at me. "Yeah, we covered that already, I'm sick, I know." His voice was dark while he spoke, he gave an exasperated sigh and stalked over to the door. "You coming or what?" He tossed the word over his shoulder as he opened the door.

Maybe it was best I just didn't speak. I followed him silently as he led me out of the apartment, out of the Hokage tower and into his village. Though, I found it hard to call it a village anymore, ever since Naruto took over and the peace became more set it had become closer to a metropolis, with large buildings looming over the stone monument.

It was getting to be the size of Suna. A shame really, this place used to be so quaint. I frowned as I remembered my first visit to this place, and that it being so quaint was something that I had thought as a complaint. How naïve I had been. Then again, all I had cared about at that moment was killing the people of this place, and enjoying a few days of promised peace from the constant attacks of Anbu and assassins that were sent to kill me daily. My payment for being a good little weapon. My father's words. I stopped walking with that thought. It was hard. Hard to forgive, what he had done to me.

Yet, I understood. To a level I understood. I wondered, if I had me to deal with, would I have been as bad? I clenched my fist at the thought and pushed it from my mind. I felt a hand on my arm and flinched away reflexively before I realized who the culprit of the touch was.

Naruto drew his hand away in a motion that reminded me of someone getting burned, a small frown on his lips. He looked like he would say something before an annoying and familiar voice cut it.

"Lord Kazekage, I have been looking for you!" Matsuri.

I clenched my jaw as I seen the giant grin that immediately crossed Naruto's face, the way he stood taller and his hands flew up behind his head and he gave a small laugh. "Matsuri! I forgot you were around." Fake. All of it was fake.

I stared at him a moment, then forced my eyes over to the one and only student I had ever taken on personally. There were days I disliked her. Today was one of those days. "Matsuri, what do you need?" I kept my voice even, knowing that it would not take much to show the irritation that growing in me from her presence.

"Oh! It isn't important really. I just found this neat vintage camera. I know there isn't a lot of pictures in your office or home so I thought that... Well, how about a picture of you guys?" She practically bounced with her words, a large smile on her face. "A thank you for letting me come. If you want to, that is."

A picture? I looked over to Naruto who still had that smile of his that was just too bright, even for him. I only had one picture of the two of us, the one that was identical to the one I knew was in his home. I grew hot as I remembered seeing it, amongst his family photos, next to the one with his picture of team seven. It seemed to be a place of honor. I gave a slow nod when I seen no reaction from the words that Matsuri had spoken. "You have no need to thank me, but I accept your offer."

"Okay you two, scooch!" She held out her hands and drew them together in a motion that represented what she wanted us to do.

So I grabbed Naruto by the elbow and pulled him into me, which made him lose his balance a little and I felt his arm go over my shoulder. I heard, and felt, a small nervous chuckle erupt from him.

"Perfect!" There was a click and then I seen something exit the odd looking device that she was holding. She took it out of what was presumably an old camera and started to flap it around. It was... A picture. I watched, fascinated by the slowly appearing colors on the small square.

"May I?" I held my hand out and she quickly handed it over. She knew well enough to do what I desired when I desired it. I may have sworn off murder for undeserving things, but I was not always calm about not getting my way sometimes. I felt a small smile tug at my lips as I grabbed the flimsy square and the image of Naruto standing next to me, his arm around my shoulders appeared. He wore a large smile, while I... I looked like me. Almost every picture that was ever taken of me had that same expression. Maybe, just once I could manage something else for one.

How did this thing work? I turned it around in my hands, trying to figure it out. It wasn't like any picture I had seen before. It wasn't stuck inside the camera until transferred through wire, nor was it developed from film. I held it out to Naruto, "Look, our picture is on it."

He removed his arm from my shoulder. I felt my eyes widen. Had it been there this entire time? I hadn't even noticed, and yet... The warmth from where his arm had been lingered for a moment, and I felt on odd sense of loss as the heat dissipated.

"Hey, I haven't used one of those in years! Neat, eh?" He held the picture at the corner and studied it. For a brief moment I seen his eyes widen, his smile falter. "I'm keeping this, you can take another later, okay?"

"But-" Matsuri went to grab for the photo, "I took that for Lord Gaara!"

I held up my hand. "It is fine Matsuri. If he desires to keep it, I have no issue with it. You can take a picture later at Temari's if you wish."

"But I-"

"Leave us. And..." I paused, knowing that she had only been trying to give me a gift. "Thank you. I appreciate your... Kindness."

She hesitated a moment, a dark blush appearing on her cheeks. "I- Yes, Lord Kazekage. Enjoy your visit." She bowed to me and headed back the way that she had come.

Once I was sure that she was gone I returned my attention to Naruto. "I apologize for that."

"Hey, it's nothin. I got a picture out of it didn't I?" He stuck his tongue out at me and waved the thing in front of him. "Oh, hey, I almost forgot. I have something for you."

I tilted my head. "You... Have something for me?" I swallowed, my mouth drying as I felt my nerves rise. What could he have gotten me?

He pulled something from his pocket and held it out for me to take. I looked down at it and my heart thudded loudly in my chest. It was a thing. A something. A gift, for me. I never received gifts, or at least I rarely did. What... What was it? It was bone white, and small. I picked it up from his hand and studied it. It looked like a small daffodil carved out of bone. I felt my face warm beneath my sand and I was thankful for the barrier, knowing that without it my blush would have been very noticeable.

"A flower!" The brightness was back in his voice, a real smile. Large, but not too much so. He was him again.

I felt myself relax and looked back to the delicate carving. "Why?" After a moment of silence I tore my eyes away from my little gift.

He turned on the ball of his foot and started to walk away from me and looked upwards to the sky. "Because I mess up too much."

I followed, quickly matching his pace. "What do you mean?"

He moved his eyes to me, keeping his head towards the sky, then looked back up. He took a deep breath, a slight furrow to his brow. "Want to see my new library? It was finished just after I got back from Suna. Come on, it's kinda cool." He flashed me a smile and grabbed my wrist.

I again found myself fighting the urge to rip my arm from his grasp and followed him, wondering on the change of subject. _Because I mess up too much._ I didn't understand. Wasn't it I who had messed up with him? My lack of ability to gauge social interactions, my inability to bring myself to speak to him made him think I was ignoring him. It had been a logical conclusion. I looked down to where his hand connected with my wrist as he pulled me through the streets of Konoha, gladly ignoring the stares and whispers of his people as he did so. What an odd sight it would be, their Hokage dragging the fearful Kazekage of Suna through the streets like they were lovebirds.

Numb. Heat, a strange tingle in my abdomen. Flashes of his face, flushed, heightened breath, my name spoken in a way that it should never be heard... I gasped at the memory. I was hoping I wouldn't think of that here, with him. It wasn't as though anything could ever come of that. It was impossible. It wasn't his fault that my body all of a sudden decided to work at the mere thought of him like that. I cleared my throat, eternally grateful that my sand kept much more than blushes hidden from view, even if it was a bit painful to be restricted that tightly.

It normally didn't matter. The heat from his hand almost burned through the sand at my wrist, and I stared at it, almost willing it to move away from me. I wanted to... I needed to...

My heart raced. It was wrong of me, these thoughts. Naruto. Married. Kids. _Stop it_. I clenched my eyes closed willing my body to behave itself. Everything about it was wrong. He was the Hokage, that fact alone made it impossible. He was married, had children, another thing that made it impossible. He was a _man_. Though, that night... I growled at myself for the reminder that he had not in fact been remotely male then. No, he had very much been a female. A gorgeous one. Why couldn't he have been born a woman? It would have made my life easier.

Easier? In what way? He was still from Konoha, and he still carried his demon. But still...

I opened my eyes again and jumped. Bright blue eyes were inches away from my own.

"You weren't trying to sleepwalk now were you?" He smiled, then his face contorted. "Sorry, bad, very bad joke."

Oh, that. "I wanted to talk to you about that..."

"No need to, don't really want to." He mumbled quickly, and dropped my wrist almost painfully fast. "Please?" He turned and headed inside the building that were standing outside of without looking back to see if I had followed.

I stared at him as he walked in. Did he just dismiss me? I blinked at the closed door, that odd warmth quickly changing into a dull ache. I caught myself as my hand went to my chest. Pain, that pain that would never heal, the one that plagued me since I was small. What a fool I was. I had brought it up, what happened at the cave, without actually saying much and he just...

I frowned. I really did need to control myself around him. My newfound feelings were simply a leftover from what had happened between us, and he obviously had no desire to even remember it, to talk about it. It was best left forgotten. I took a deep breath and went inside. I would oblige him then. The place was... Quaint. I looked around. It wasn't grand, but it was a descent expanse of books and scrolls, the aisles seemed almost maze like. The shelves were made of wood and the ends were carved to be scenes. I brought my hand to one and felt the carvings beneath my fingers, the rise and fall of the surface. It was... Beautiful.

I seen movement from the corner of my eye and looked up to see Naruto leaning against the wall, a small smile on his lips as he watched me. "When I was a kid, about thirteen, there was this old guy that was working as a carpenter that would come to Ichiraku and treat me to ramen, and always would let me eat his too. He never really ate much, you know, at the time I never really thought about it." He gave a small jerk of his head to the left, launched himself off the wall and started walking in the direction that he had jerked his head in. I followed. "His name was Genno. Turned out he planted a ton of paper bombs in this section of Konoha years before and was planning to blow them up in some sort of sick grand finale to his life or something." He turned us down another aisle and I looked at all the different carvings that were etched into the book case ends. So many carvings... "Anyway, lucky for everyone I reminded him of his grandson. I just liked having the company, I mean he was nice and didn't judge me or anything. I really did like the guy, at the time- I thought I would have liked someone like him to be my grandpa, you know. He ended up running us on this wild goose chase and we all thought he was going to destroy the entire village, but it was just a big game of hide and seek, in honor of his grandson. I think about him every once in a while, and I couldn't help but want to do something special here. It was a dead district when I was a kid, not a lot was left here. Genno was a carpenter on the side for his cover, wasn't the best, wasn't the worst. He mentioned once that he tried his hardest on special projects when he was home, even if they weren't the greatest in the world, he knew that it was something special to him. Sturdy." He pointed down a section that was out of the way, almost hidden. "That way."

He waited, a soft smile still lingering on his lips. I eyed him a moment then followed his direction and walked down the path there. At the end there was a door. I turned to look at him. "Behind the door?"

He gave a nod.

I turned back to it, grasped the handle and turned. It opened easily and I seen a single book case inside. I headed in, to the side so I could see the carving that was done on it. It was a different style than the rest, not as intricate, but the subject was clear. My nervousness returned. Why was he showing me this?

I heard him speak from behind me. "I decided after I became Hokage to try and revive this area. Sort of an unnamed homage to the guy who had been so nice to me once. Not many know the reason I decided to do it but it was important to me. Like that. I practiced for years, you know. While I was traveling with the Pervy Sage I met a wood carver, taught me a little while I was waiting for the old perv to get back from doing his stupid research. He reminded me of the old man Genno. Wasn't the best, but his work was solid, and had heart. I was a bit curious about it, so he showed me. I mean, I am no genius, never was. I always had to work harder than anyone else to do things, but when I get it, there is no stopping me. This though. It was the hardest thing I've done. Not even sure it would even qualify as 'good' even, but I think it's solid. Everything here has a purpose, these carvings."

I heard him move but couldn't take my eyes off of what was in front of me. What could all this mean?

The next time he spoke, he sounded as though he was near my shoulder, too close. Far too close. He had no idea what he was doing to me. That scene, the one that I remembered so fondly. I remembered it. It was on my mind more than I cared admit. I was losing my resolve. "Every carving depicts important events, well known or not, that helped develop Konoha. I intended this place to be a combination of a library and history exhibit, in case people didn't want to come for the books. I know I don't care for reading much, I find it pretty boring. Stupid line of work to get into when you dislike reading, but hey, I suppose it is worth it. I hired a few people to sketch it out, a few to carve, but this one was too personal. I think, it might be the most important one. At least, it is to me."

I jumped as I felt his fingers trace along my arm. I turned to him sharply, that annoying tingle had returned while I had been looking at his work. "You... Did this?" My breath caught in my throat as I realized that he was only inches away from my person, his fingers lingered on my arm. I bit my tongue lightly. I needed him to stop.

He took a breath. "Yeah, I did. It doesn't look that great though. Wish I was better."

He almost sounded dejected. "It is perfect, it was made by you. I am honored." I wanted to let him know. The carving, it wasn't smooth, it wasn't elegant, but neither was the scene he had carved. It was a beginning, a special moment that I hadn't realized he would even remember. It didn't help with the thoughts I was trying to suppress.

"Tsch, I'm surprised you could even recognize anything in that mess."

My breath caught as his fingers slowly moved down my arm. I grabbed his arm. Too much. His touch, his voice, the way that he was disregarding his own work, it was too much. I twisted him around and pushed him back. I pinned him to the wall behind me, warmth, breath, anger, annoyance, want. Everything jumbled in my head as I stood there.

"Gaara?" His voice was breathy, too soft. Too similar.

I gave a small squeak. "Never underestimate what you do." Point. Stick to the point. Heat, Naruto, so close. I could just... My hand moved without my permission, moving across his stomach, his side, feeling the contours of his muscles in the same manner I had previously done to the carving of that first bookcase. I heard his breath catch and I leaned forward, our foreheads touching.

"Gaara, I..." His hand moved to my waist then slid to my back.

 _Stop, please stop, I can't, please just stop._ My stomach twisted, a memory, the pained voice of Naruto suddenly ringing clear in my mind. I had never remembered what exactly he had said, those pained words were nothing but sound before. I moved away from him with a hiss, pushing at him.

Touch. Too much. What was I doing? This was wrong. Was he messing with me on purpose, or was he just that stupid not to notice what he was doing to me? "Stop... Stop messing with me." I moved my sand up, grabbing his hands, pinned his legs to the wall with it. Retreat. Run away. I couldn't, I wouldn't do this. I needed to get away from him, before...

Before I did something I couldn't reverse. We were still friends, somehow we seemed to be mostly ok. It had been a small miracle that he was even talking to me. I darted through the door, allowing my sand to follow once I was almost to the exit. I hesitated at the door. He asked me not to mention what had happened. He wanted to forget. How could I do the same? When I either remembered that intense feeling, or the pained look on his face every time I thought of him? How could I move past this when my own body wouldn't let me forget? I needed more time. I had to go. I headed to the gate. I briefly told the guards that met me there to let my escorts know that I had left. I needed to be away, I needed _him_ to be safe.

_Safe from me._


	20. Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, The Scientist by Coldplay is actually an amazing fit for this story. I have now added it into my work playlist hehe. I think this is the first time anybody has ever asked me if I had a playlist that I use while I write. I do, actually. Thank you Spotify, one day, I will buy a subscription because I tend to skip songs that aren't specific to what I am writing, it has about 70 songs in it at the moment, so next chapter I will weed out the ones that inspire me the most for this particular story, some are for the words and some are for the tone of the sound. At the time that I started to write this I was on a bit of an Aurora kick (kinda still am, wish she would just make new music already even though she just released her debut last year) But I was listening to one of her songs when I actually got the idea for this after a Naruto binge watch and I found myself wondering what happened if Naruto got stuck in his transformation jutsu and well, this happened lol. I Went Too Far and Winter bird by Aurora are the top tracks for me because it is what helped spark the story in the first place :D

 

**Naruto**

I woke from a dreamless sleep feeling slightly uncomfortable, my head oddly warm. I shifted, and nearly beat my pillow when I realized that my pillow moved on its own. I froze in my action. My pillow was alive. Gaara. I remained still, knowing that he had stayed with me all night. Of all the stupid ideas, yet he had stayed. I took a deep breath, his odd smell of spice, sand and old blood filled my senses. Distinctive, Gaara. I wonder... If I move just right, would he hold me? I felt a small smile rise on my lips. I wasn't even sure why I had brought him here. I could have told him I was fine at the meeting room, I could have insisted that nothing was wrong with me.

I felt guilty though, when he expressed how he had not been able to find who had done this. _Oh yeah, that was me, by the way_. Maybe if I told him he would just kill me and get it over with instead of being constantly in pain. I really had started to wonder if I was actually dying and that all my reassurances to Gaara was in fact a lie as well. Just another thing to add to the 'keep it from Gaara' list. As if to remind me of my situation my stomach twisted painfully and I sat straight up. No, I was not about to be sick in front of him again. The poor guy looked like he had wanted to bolt the moment I had emptied my already empty stomach. I really didn't know where all this was coming from, there seriously nothing _in_ me that could be left to throw up. I took a breath. "Fresh air."

The body I had been resting on quickly moved away from me, as though it had been waiting an eternity to do so. He probably regretted agreeing to this. I followed his movement as he smoothly leapt onto the floor to get away from me. He tilted his head slightly, his expression completely unreadable. "Hm?"

"I need outside. Walk with me?" Yes, now that you look like you want to run away from me, how about spending even more time around me? I held up my arm, outstretching my hand. No, I needed him. I could feel it, the intense pain was dulling. It was there, but this morning, the simple movement of raising my arm was only greeted by a dull ache. I could handle a dull ache. Maybe my theory was correct after all. All my fears about this being related to what had happened to us two months earlier was confirmed the moment I had touched him. It was a wave of relief that mimicked pleasure, pulsing through every limb. The pain was constant, made it hard to sleep. But... Even with the risk, I dared take it just to have a possibility to alleviate this pain. It was hindering me, making it harder for me to do my job. I almost made Boruto completely mad at me again because I couldn't honestly train with him.

I stared at Gaara who was staring at my hand with the slightest touch of confusion. It was barely there, but I could see it. It was always about micro expressions with that guy, though every once in a while it would be more obvious of his emotions. I craved those moments.

He finally got the hint when I was about to lower my hand and attempt to heave myself up. He grabbed my hand and I felt myself lurch forwards, a shot of pain shooting through my arm, down my spine and landed in my feet as I found myself standing. I groaned. It wasn't fully better, but his presence, his touch, it at least helped. Like a medicine that made something unbearable slightly more bearable. It wasn't fair to him, this need I had for him.

It wasn't fair to anyone, really. Hinata, my kids...

"You're ill." His face was still blank, the words were deep, monotonous in tone.

Really? The first thing he says after I wake up was the obvious? My stomach gave a dangerous lurch and I swallowed hoping to keep whatever my body had manage to create inside of it. I narrowed my eyes into a glare. "Yeah, we covered that already, I'm sick, I know." I gave an exasperated sigh and stood up, dressing myself quickly and tossing my nightcap on the bed. Hell with him. I walked over to the door. I needed air. I needed outside, I needed to stop being an idiot. I didn't need him , what the hell, like he would want to be around me for all that long anyway, like he _could_ be around me for all that long. I looked over my shoulder a moment, hesitating at the door. I should at least give him a chance. Maybe he would want to be around me. But what if he didn't come? What if... "You coming or what?" I decided not to wait for an answer and just opened the door and left the room. For a moment I felt tears at the corners of my eyes, afraid that he really would just let me leave but then heard soft footsteps following me.

I gave a sigh of relief and the tears dried almost immediately. Seriously, what the hell? Why was I being such a freaking girl about all this? My stomach twisted at the thought. Maybe because I had been with him. On a weird technical level, I lost my girly virginity to him...

I swallowed. Really, Naruto? Had I not been trying to forget what had happened between us? It was important to forget, to not acknowledge, to repress what I wanted. For my marriage, for my children. Mostly because I could not risk losing what I had with _him_.

Gaara, who hated physical contact and rarely made the effort to touch or be touched, Gaara who was fragile and deserved so much more than whatever twisted affair I could ever offer him. I cringed at my own thoughts. I had actually considered the idea of trying to have a full affair with him while I had waited, spending my nights alone in my apartment after the fiasco that was the night of my return home. I barely had spoken more than two words to Hinata since.

She hadn't tried to find me after that night either. Even I had to admit our relationship wasn't the best.

But no, he would never want that with me. It only happened because of me in the first place, my own misplaced wants. I felt sick, for a different reason. Over the past two months I had come to realize that I had wanted him for longer than I cared admit. Gaaruto, that bastard, was enough proof for that.

The sound of footsteps from behind me went silent. I turned then to look at Gaara, staring at the ground in front of him, a slight crease between his brows. What was he thinking? I pushed my own errant thoughts from my mind and walked up to him and as I neared I noticed his hand clench. Whatever he was thinking, mustn't be pleasant. I hoped it wasn't about me. I took a breath. I reached out and touched his arm.

A dull throb erupted in my heart when I felt him flinch away from me and I withdrew my hand as quickly as I could. No. I needed to keep my mind away from those things. I needed to repair my relationship with him, make it as simple as it had been, make everything ok. Erase what had happened, if it were even possible. I wanted to say something, I wasn't sure what, maybe an apology? An apology would work. Maybe. I went to give it when I was interrupted by an odd girl. The one that always seemed to obsess with Gaara. I liked her. I wanted her to go away.

"Lord Kazekage, I have been looking for you!"

I forced a large smile on my face. Do not show my annoyance, this was a friend, I am not sick. I forced my body to straighten as much as possible, ignoring the protests my bones and muscles gave at the motion. I moved my heads behind my head, resting my hands there. I gave a small laugh. "Matsuri! I forgot you were around." Not really, I just hoped not to see you. Especially now. Go away.

"Matsuri, what do you need?" He sounded slightly annoyed even though it was even. I took a slight pleasure that he was as annoyed with the interruption as I was. Well, maybe not as annoyed because even with me wanting to keep things fully platonic for my own selfish reasons, I had the intense desire to keep him all to myself during the small amount of time that I had him.

I think she spoke after that, but I only focused on smiling, keeping myself painfully straight standing, stretched in a way that my body was screaming at me not to do. Even with a night cuddled on Gaara's lap it didn't make it that much better. It wasn't completely like before. Then, it had been complete relief when we were back at the cave. His touch had made it stop completely. This time... It was different. I needed to know why. Tomorrow when Gaara left, I would corner Shikamaru and make it a mission priority to find that old woman. Before I spoke to Sakura, I wanted to have more of an idea of what I was dealing with. If there was a cure. If I needed to set priorities and look for a successor.

I felt cold. I could be dying. What would he do... What would my kids do? Hinata... I hoped that she could find someone better than me. She deserved that. I hoped that Gaara would forgive me, after I promised that I wasn't that seriously ill.

I was drawn out of my thoughts as something pulled sharply at my elbow, made me lose my balance and I caught myself on what had pulled me closer. I recognized the scent of spice, sand and old blood and realized that I had found myself hanging onto the object of my morbid thoughts. Butterflies. My arm was around his shoulder, my side pressed to his. I gave a nervous laugh at the situation, trying to repress the odd joy that came with the contact. Why had he pulled me to him?

"Perfect!" Oh right, Matsuri. Wait, was that a camera? She took a small flat square out of the thing and started waving it around.

Yup, a camera. She took a picture of us. I smiled at that. I only had one real picture of us, from when I became Hokage. I had one of him in a group picture from my wedding day, but it wasn't the same.

"May I?" Gaara reached for the picture and she quickly gave it to him. She was married now, but it was still pretty obvious. I watched him as he flipped it around, inspecting it. The look he had, it was kind of adorable. His eyes almost glittered, his fascination apparent on his face, even the tiniest of smiles visible on his lips. After a moment of inspection he pushed it towards me, a look of childlike wonder still gracing his features. It was rare to see it, but it fascinated me about him. Every once in a while, he would turn full on child like that. It made my heart hurt, knowing that it was probably because he never really got to be a kid. "Look, our picture is on it."

I took it from him and released his shoulder, slightly embarrassed by the fact that I had still been clinging to him. I pointed at the camera, diffusing the fact that I had likely touched him for just a little too long. "Hey, I haven't used one of those in years! Neat, eh?" I held the picture at the corner while it finished developing. I remembered many photos in my youth being destroyed by fingerprints. I looked down at the picture, Matsuri had captured the moment I had laughed, catching me in a natural wide smile, Gaara in his usual stoic stance, my arm around him. But... There was something... Off.

I stared at it for a moment. Yeah, I was a little pale, but that was to be expected, I mean, I personally felt like I had just finished a major battle. That I had been fighting for more than a month straight. So no, the fact I looked a little sick wasn't what felt off. I was standing straight, right next to him and...

Oh.

Well shit. That was weird. I... It couldn't be, could it? I gripped the photo tight. I had stood directly next to Gaara in the other picture we had, and I was obviously taller than he was, so why...

We were the same height. If I hadn't been standing right there, leaning on the guy I would have thought it was the angle, but I was actually hanging off of him and...

I was the same height as he was. He hadn't grown had he? I swallowed. I couldn't be shrinking could I? That was impossible. So was turning into a girl long enough to have sex with my best friend. "I'm keeping this, you can take another later, ok?" I didn't want him noticing. He was already worried about me. If he hadn't somehow grown, there was only one other explanation for that.

"But-" Matsuri moved towards me, "I took that for Lord Gaara!"

He held up his hand and she stopped in her tracks. Thank goodness. I wasn't sure I could actually handle fighting her for a photo. "It is fine Matsuri. If he desires to keep it, I have no issue with it. You can take a picture later at Temari's if you wish."

"But I-"

"Leave us. And-" An odd expression crossed Gaara's face, "Thank you. I appreciate your.. Kindness."

I ignored the rest of what she said as I stared back at the photo. Mend things. Keep him from worrying. What could I do to make that happen?

"I apologize for that."

I tore my eyes away from the photo. "Hey, it's nothin. I got a picture out of it didn't I?" I stuck my tongue out for emphasis and waved the photo in front of me. Oh. Wait, Boruto gave me something to help me out. That weird little flower, I left it in my pocket. I think. Maybe it was still there in one piece. "Oh, hey, I almost forgot. I have something for you."

He tilted his head at me, his blank expression back. "You... Have something for me?" I seen as his small Adams apple bobbed just a little as he swallowed, the only indication that he was nervous of what I had for him.

I fished in my pockets until I found the small trinket and pulled it out. Somehow the thing managed to survive the past day fully intact. I held it out in my hand, smiling at him. Take it, take it, take it.

He hesitated a moment then plucked it out of my hand, managing not to make contact with me as he did so. He held it, inspecting it, that childlike wonder ghosted on his face a moment while he looked at it.

"A flower!" I am not sure why I had to tell him what it was, it was pretty obvious, but I grinned widely at him anyway, having a sudden rush from knowing that I had produced that look on him.

His shoulders fell a little, relaxed, his features softened. "Why?" The words were soft.

Soft and painful.

The rush I felt turned cold. Why? Did I need to give a reason? Did I need to explain that I felt guilty for leaving, for making him be with me, for...

I turned on the ball of my foot as his eyes moved up to mine, expecting an answer. I looked up at the sky. He would press me if I didn't say something to appease his ever present curiosity. "Because I mess up too much." Boruto supplied me with that one. It was true though, in simple terms.

I heard him follow me. "What do you mean?"

Damn it. I refused to fully move my head to him, but forced my eyes to him, looking at him to gauge his reaction. He didn't seem too off by everything. I wasn't going to explain myself. I was not going to tell him what was going on with me. That he would hate me if he knew the truth, that I was going to lose him eventually. I clenched my jaw a little and moved my eyes back to the sky. He would leave me. If he knew the truth, if he knew that I had hurt him that way, that I had knowingly taken advantage of him, he would leave. I would never see him again. Eventually, he would find out, he was resourceful. I took a deep breath. There was always _that_.

Yes, I could take him there. It wasn't something I was ever going to share with anyone, but... Maybe if I reminded him of where we started... How much his friendship meant to me. If I could express myself to him without actually having to say how much he really meant to me...

Maybe I could tell him...

Maybe...

"Want to see my new library? It was finished just after I got back from Suna. Come on, it's kinda cool." I flashed him a quick reassuring smile and grabbed his wrist and pulled him with me. It was a ways away from where we were, and I needed him to follow, and if I had to drag him along to ensure that he did, then so be it. I needed him to know. I needed to tell him. I needed to...

He needed to know. It wasn't fair to him. If he would leave me for it, then it was my price to pay. I knew it would hurt him, by the gods I knew it would. I didn't want to, but...

It would be better for me to tell him than him find out from somewhere else.

It wouldn't be right, to keep it to myself anymore. My heart thudded deeply in my chest as I built up the courage for what I was about to do. Show him what he meant to me, show him how much I needed him, then destroy his perception of me all in one fell swoop.

I felt sick. In more ways than one. It was everything I could do to keep the contents of my stomach down. I ignored the odd sounds that would come from him, a gasp, the clearing of his throat, a low growl. His pace slowed and it felt like I had to apply ore pressure for him to move. I looked behind me and noticed he was walking with his eyes tightly closed shut. I stopped and he didn't seem to notice so I leaned down to study him.

In that exact moment he opened his eyes and jumped some. I smiled at his reaction. "You weren't trying to sleepwalk now were you?" My smile fell almost immediately as I remembered him screaming in his sleep, that gut wrenching look of pain on his face. Shit, I am freaking stupid. "Sorry, bad, very bad joke."

He stared at me a moment then, "I wanted to talk to you about that..."

I froze. No, not here, not yet. I wasn't ready yet, I needed... I needed to... "No need to, don't really want to." I dropped his hand as I tried to calm the panic that erupted in my chest. "Please?" I needed to be able to control this, be able to tell him. It would change everything.

I had to show him first. It was my only chance at forgiveness.

I hoped.

I headed inside the building I had worked so hard on. Genno. This district, it was important to me. I had only known the old man for a few months, but he had left his mark, and he deserved the recognition, even if it wasn't official. I moved away from the door quickly, weaved my way through the building to space myself from him. Gaara. He had no idea. I needed to calm myself. I wouldn't be able to go through with it if I couldn't at least breathe like a normal person.

Breathe, Naruto you idiot, breathe.

I heard the door open, then footsteps. Soon. Soon this would be over, and I would know. I took another breath and backtracked to him. I found him focused on one of the carvings on the book cases, his fingers lightly pressing along the surface.

I moved around the corner and leaned against the wall, thankful to the support that it gave me. I smiled at him when he turned to me, and I allowed my mouth to take over. I was grateful for being able to talk without having to think, and jerked my head in a motion for him to follow me, my mouth continuing to gush on about Genno and why this place existed. Talking. It kept my mind occupied and kept me calm. A nervous habit I had for as long as I could remember. Maybe because I would talk to nothing when I was kid, alone in my apartment, just to fill the heavy silence. I led him through the library, taking him to the back, to my secret room. Where I would confess to him. Where I would hurt him. Where I would shatter myself in the process. I paused at a particular section, the one that led to the room, a lump steadily formed inside my throat. I pointed down that way. I would follow him from there. "That way."

I waited for him, and after a moment of hesitation he went forwards. I followed him silently. Almost there. Almost the end. He turned to me just before the door to my secret room, where I displayed my most precious piece of work. There, he would see, there I would tell him of my wish. There, our friendship would...

No, I had to have hope. He deserved to know. I had to do this.

"Behind the door?" His question was innocent, and I gave a nod, my throat dry. He turned back to the door and headed inside. He walked to the side, and studied the carving there. My work. My life. My heart displayed before him. That moment, was the moment that I had felt it fully for the first time. The intense sense of loss, the longing to see him, my curiosity, all accumulated in that moment in a crazy realization that he was the most important person in my life.

How, I had not realized at the time.

I only really realized it recently. My life, I screwed it up. I refused to regret it though, Hinata, the kids. They were wonderful, in their own right. But...

When I had started this, it was the only carving I insisted on doing myself, I even allowed the carving of my own marriage and family be taken on by another. Maybe, I should have realized it then. But I hadn't. I hadn't allowed myself to think of him that way. I hadn't allowed myself to...

I came up behind him, and allowed my voice to ease my nervousness, continuing my story. He stood there, staring at it as though he was frozen. It was terrible. I worked on if for a few years while the master woodcarvers worked on the rest of them. I managed just this one, and it was terrible. I had even ended a few attempts in a rasengan, the wood shattering into a million thankfully unrecognizable pieces. But this was at least somewhat descent. You could at least, more or less, tell what it was that I was trying to accomplish. Two figures stood facing each other, hands out and connected, a whirl of something that surrounded them that was supposed to be sand. It was rough, hardly even a fraction of the quality of the other pieces. It was mine though. I realized I had stopped talking and moved forwards, standing close behind him.

Now, now I would think about my words. I breathed in deep. Now or never. "Every carving depicts important events, well known or not, that helped develop Konoha. I intended this place to be a combination of a library and history exhibit, in case people didn't want to come for the books. I know I don't care for reading much, I find it pretty boring. Stupid like of work to get into when you dislike reading, but hey, I suppose it is worth it." Rambling, Naruto, get to the point. "I hired a few people to sketch it out, a few to carve, but this one was too personal. I think, it might be the most important one. At least, it is to me."

I remembered it too well, that moment. I didn't want to say goodbye, not really. I remember rambling on about how handshakes were probably the way that was a normal way to do it. I remember him reaching out to me, my hand being lifted. The warmth of his skin, how soft it was, the way my heart raced, the way I wanted that moment to last as I stared into his eyes. I couldn't stop myself from moving my hand to his arm, these things, it was more than I could handle.

I wanted more. I knew I would never be able to have more. This person, this being, was...

Could I really just be friends with him, after everything, after sorting through my own thoughts, could I... I brushed my fingers lightly down his arm, hoping that somehow through the sand, through his clothes, through his coat, my emotions would penetrate his skin. Though, I wasn't fully sure what they were yet, I knew it was strong. Different. It was always different with him. Different from Sasuke, different from Sakura, different from Hinata. Different. Obsessive.

"You... Did this?" He gave a quick intake of air and I stilled my fingers at his question.

I took a deep breath, willing my heart to calm down. "Yeah, I did. It doesn't look that great though. Wish I was better."

"It is perfect, it was made by you. I am honored." His answer was too quick, too dry. As though it was an automatic response.

"Tsch, I'm surprised you could even recognize anything in that mess." I resumed the half caress of his arm as I tried to jar the darkness of how much better I wanted my own work to be. I probably shouldn't have brought him here. What was I thinking? Did I really think he would just accept... What? Me? I still wasn't entirely sure if what I had been feeling for him was what I was thinking it might be.

What I was afraid it might be.

I didn't know what I would do if I was right.

Then there were fingers pressed hard around my arm, and I found myself twisted around, against the wall behind me. I looked to Gaara, who held me firmly in place. This was... This was... My fantasy. Again. It wasn't still active was it? My heart raced with the possibility of it. "Gaara?" My heart raced, my voice softer than I had meant it to be. Respond to me.

Please respond.

Let this not be my wish.

A rush of relief passed through my body as I heard him give a small squeaking sound. "Never underestimate what you do." Huh?

The look in his eyes were unreadable, different. What was-? I gasped, his hand slowly moved across my stomach, inched under my shirt, slowly passing his rough sand paper fingers on my skin. His touch was like fire, and instant reaction flamed in my abdomen and I had the desire to touch him. To hell with everything I planned, I needed him. His hand moved up to my side and I couldn't hold back, my mind entirely consumed by him, his touch, the pain of his fingers scraping at my skin. I gasped as a wave of desire pulsed through me and his head came forward and landed where our foreheads touched. It was like...

Like then. When we...

"Gaara, I..." I desperately moved my arms to his back, willing him to come closer to me, to feel his warmth, to just _be_ with him.

He shoved at me, forcing me away with a sharp hiss through his teeth, my hands pried away from him. I stared at him, confused, reeling from the sudden loss of contact. What happened?

"Stop... Stop messing with me." His voice was pained, dark and barely above a whisper.

Messing with him?

What?

He replaced himself with sand, still holding me firmly against the wall, leaving me to watch silently, confused as he retreated out the door, slamming it behind him.

Wait.

What _happened_? I could feel myself begin to tremble beneath the sand.

He left. He was gone. What had I done?

He was gone.

What the _hell_.

The sand slid away from me, but my legs were numb, my heart ripped slowly apart from inside my chest. I slid down the wall as it retreated through the door, not to return.

Like Gaara.

Gone.

I messed up. I messed up _again_. I always mess things up.

My eyes begun to sting and my vision blurred. _No. I take it back, please, come back, please._..

I folded in on myself, hugging my knees and let out a pained cry. I shouldn't have brought him here. I should have known better. I should have kept everything to myself.

I had almost said it.

 _Gaara I... think I might love you_.

Idiot.

I looked up at the carving. Damn thing. I could fell the wetness of my tears on my face. What had that thing achieved but the exact opposite of what I wanted? I hated it. Anger welled up inside of me and I felt the intense need to take it out on something, anything.

I growled, and forced myself on my feet as I glared at the damn bookcase in front of me. Everything I felt, everything I remembered, everything I desired sat inside that carving. One look, and he was gone from me. I knew he had left, I just knew he was already headed back to Suna. To get away from me.

To forget me.

I screamed at it. I raised my arm back, gathering as much chakra as I could, ignoring the pain that shot through my entire body as I did. " _Rasengan_!"

I fell to my knees, exhausted as I heard the satisfying crunch of splintering wood, and cried out again, my pain, my anguish, the knowledge that no matter what, I would never try that again. I gripped at the floor as my body heaved with silent sobs, my tears dripping onto the splintered wood beneath me.

All I could do was wait.

Wait and hope he would return.


	21. Wish Jutsu Revealed

**Naruto**

It had taken roughly six days, fourteen hours, twenty two minutes and some odd seconds when the pain came back.  Twice as bad as before.  Not that it fully went away, but it had stayed at that tolerable level for a while even after Gaara had left.

Oddly, I welcomed it at the time.  The pain helped distract me from my thoughts.  My regrets.  My...

A deep ache tore through my heart.  _That_. But that was a month ago, six days, fourteen hours and twenty three minutes ago and now, Shikamaru had tracked down the old woman who had given me that damned wish. After he had berated me for doing whatever it was I did to the Kazekage because once again, Temari didn't get to visit her little brother, and her visit with Kankuro was cut short because of it as well. Now he had to deal with an irritable wife and all that. Like I cared about that. The only thing that mattered was questioning that damned old woman.

Maybe I could get answers before I ripped her limbs off.

Or ordered somebody else to.  Dang, I was tired though.  Clones were getting harder to conjure every day and I had lost another inch or two.  After finding the picture, I started marking the wall in the apartment in the Hokage tower.  I was, in fact, shrinking.  What the hell? Every day, I would stand as straight as possible, put the marker to the tip top of my head and it would steadily be just slightly under the last line.

There was something very wrong with that. So that was my first question.

The second concern was my constant sickness. I was getting really tired of emptying my stomach almost constantly in spite of barely eating anything in fears that it would trigger another bout of hugging my toilet until everything was out of my body again. At least without eating, I only threw up a few times a day. Not that it was all that acceptable to me, but it was less than if I had eaten anything now.

The third concern was the pain. It felt like my entire body was breaking down from the inside out. Like I had a large number of broken bones and ripped muscles that were continuously breaking and healing. It was driving me completely mad.

And the last, and possibly most concerning was my complete lack of useable chakra. People were starting to notice that there weren't a ton of me running errands around Konoha every day. I hadn't accepted an interview in a couple of weeks either.

People were starting to notice that there was something going on with me.

I needed answers.

I splashed water in my face to try and refresh myself and stared in the mirror. Man, I was looking off. Even without eating, not being able to train seemed to make me gain some weight somehow. My stomach, my chest, they were getting a bit fatty, the lines where my muscles had been almost completely gone.

I looked at my stomach, the spiral seal pulsed a couple times before disappearing again. That too. That was concerning. It had been doing that for a little while now, every once in a while I could feel his chakra running through me. My chakra was so far gone that I seemed to be almost constantly siphoning Kurama's.

Damn I was tired though. If it wasn't for the fact that Shikamaru was bringing that damned old woman to my office any minute, I would be sorely tempted to force out a clone to do my job and go to sleep. I was sorely tempted to do it anyway. I sighed into the sink. Forty seven stairs.

Forty seven stairs and roughly ninety six steps before I reached my office, depending on how far apart my feet were placed between each step. Why did it have to be so far? Surely just conjuring a clone would take less energy than getting into my office, the fact that eventually I would have to return.

No, this was a personal matter, no clones today. I shoved myself away from the mirror and stumbled out into the room. I hadn't left this room in nearly a week. One clone a day. I had managed one clone a day to go up to my office and do my work for me while I stayed down here being miserable.

Every day was worse. I swear I was actually dying.

I should ask Sakura to help me, but I wanted answers first. I wanted to know why the jutsu would do this. Maybe it was because it had a reaction to Kurama?

I would just have to ask.

I stared at the door with dread. I could do this. I took a deep breath and slowly headed my way to the door. Every step was like walking barefoot on broken glass and pain shot through my legs up to my hips. I gritted my teeth. Just a few more and...

I opened the door with a sigh of relief. Got there. Now then, the end of the hall. Come on Naruto, it isn't that far, you can do this. I took a painful breath and repeated the positive mantra in my head as I tried to ignore the pain and nausea of moving forward. I leaned on the wall. Half way there. Keep going. Answers, I needed answers.

When I reached the end of the hall, I looked to my left. The private stairs. There were three extra stairs, twelve extra steps, but it would lead me not too far from my office, and I could recover from moving without being stared at by anybody that would be moving around in the hallway around me. The last thing I needed at that moment was people becoming more worried that their Hokage wasn't able to protect them.

They wouldn't be wrong, but I didn't want them worrying about that.

Hell, I could barely move let alone fight. Damn.

Maybe they would train Konohamaru to be Hokage after I died from this shit. He would make a good Hokage. Sarada probably would make a good one too, when she was old enough. Reminded me of her old man, the jerk. Hadn't really seen much of him since I had been kidnapped by that psychopath during the chunin exams. I think those exams are cursed. Bad things always seem to happen while they are going on. Orochimaru's attack, though it let me meet Gaara. Gaara mentioned once that someone tried to extract Shukaku from him while they were in Suna during my training, though he got to make a friend with Fu. Not that it lasted though, he had a tear streak down his face when he had mentioned her, so I never brought it back up. I hoped that she had died quickly. I somehow doubted it though.

Stairs... yay. I took a deep breath. This was the part I dreaded most. Lift... leg. Shift forward and-

I cried out a little before I could swallow the sound.

Damn damn damn damn. Freaking hell this sucked. Did I really have to go in person? Couldn't I just send a clone again?

Another deep, painful breath. That was one step down, only forty six more to go. I gulped down the surge in my stomach as I looked up the stairs that seemed to go on for miles. Don't think, just do.

I gripped the railing and fought through the pain, step after step, breath after breath and finally, I collapsed at the top of the stairs, my body shook in pain and exhaustion, sweat dripped down my face and I gasped for breath. _Worse._ Why was it always getting worse?

It took me a few minutes to compose myself after dragging myself back up to my feet. Almost there. I couldn't get rid of the shake that was present in my arms as I opened the door. I forced my feet forward, my eyes zeroed in on the door to my office. Once there, only about ten steps to my chair, ten steps and I could sit down, and not move for hours. Maybe, after I was done with the old woman I could take a nap there. That would be nice wouldn't it? Twelve more steps, then a little bit of talking, then some much deserved rest.

That sounded nice.

Spurred on to my own promise of rest I found myself in my office, in my chair after only about ten more minutes of pressing forward.

I really was getting to be useless. I sighed and decided I would nap. Nap until Shikamaru woke me.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I woke to a sharp pain on the back of my head. "Sleeping on the job, you're completely useless Naruto, the audacity of it."

I groaned and rubbed the back of my head. Pain erupted through my shoulder at the movement, but I forced myself to keep a straight face. This is something normal Naruto would do. Pretend to be ok, don't grimace, don't act different. It was easier for my clones to pull it off, they didn't seem to have the same pain or nausea I did. "Man, you didn't have to hit me so hard, did ya?"

He stared at me and I stilled. He did hit me pretty hard... Didn't he? "Hey, uh, that old woman is here. You going to tell me what all this is about or are you going to just continue to keep it to yourself?"

"Keep it to myself." I paused, knowing I probably answered a bit too quickly for his question. Deflect. "I just have a few questions for her is all. Nothing major, just curious."

He frowned at me and headed to the door. He paused there, his hand on the handle and turned his head back to me slightly. "Curiosity doesn't spend a small fortune on high level squads in order to hunt down someone to answer a few questions. You're hiding something, Naruto Uzumaki. Don't think you will be able to keep that up without somebody finding out." With that he opened the door and let the woman in.

I gave Shikamaru a glare. I knew that I would have to confide in someone soon, or else I would die mysteriously and the village would be in a panic over a lack of a Hokage. I didn't need the reminder. "I would like to speak with her alone."

"Fine, I thought as much." He closed the door behind him as he once again left.

I kept my eyes steady on the woman in front of me, my hands clasped on my desk in front of me. She still wore a simple small brown tunic like before, looked more frail than she probably was. In a way, she reminded me of Granny Chiyo. "Lady Akemi." I had been staring at her name since sending out the squads so actually remembered it. Go figure.

"You have questions."

I kept my gaze steady. "Yes." I didn't need to play act with her. I had no energy to smile, to hide behind my usual antics, to be even remotely energetic. I hurt too much for that.

She gave a sigh and took it upon herself to sit down across from me. "Should have known you would have problems. It is always in the eyes."

I furrowed my brows at her. "What exactly?"

"Happiness can be seen in the eyes, or the lack of it. Your eyes, they are duller than your outward appearance. Happiness. Asking that question, it is part of my jutsu. Haven't used it in years. Wouldn't have if I hadn't been paid to. Tsunade is someone I trust, in spite of the debts she had."

I froze. Wait. "Had? She paid you?" That didn't sound right.

"Plus interest. Condition for the interest was to give you a wish. Warned her about it, but she insisted that she trusted the benefactor, and in turn I trusted her judgement."

My heart dropped to my stomach as my heart raced at the news. Benefactor? Maybe Gaara had been correct in his assumption that somebody wanted to off us after all. Or at least me. Definitely me. "Grandma Tsunade didn't hire you? I thought you said she did."

The old woman leaned forward, a smile on her face. "But she did. She is the one who paid, she is the one who asked. However, it was on request. That does not make this person the one who hired me, so think about such things before accusing old women of lying." Her eyes narrowed and I could feel her chakra rise.

"No need to fight me granny, you would win even without any jutsu." I raised my hands, not hiding the shake they took on as I did. "I have a reason I asked you here, you know."

She left her eyes on me a moment as she considered my words then slowly sunk back down into her seat. "I cannot help you."

I tensed. "What? What do you mean you can't help me?"

"I mean exactly that. I cannot help you. The wish, it acts on its own. It is used as both weapon and gift. Sometimes, people wish for obvious things, wealth, power, love." She took a deep breath. "They get it, they always get it. But that isn't the point of the jutsu. Things come at a price, happen in a way that is unexpected. Wish for wealth, and a family member dies and leaves you their fortune, power and someone suddenly has no control of their own body as they slaughter the royal family to take control."

I swallowed. Twisted. "Why... Why would someone want me to have a wish then?"

She leaned back. "That is not my question to answer, son. It's the reason I say that wishes are a double edged sword, wish for something that means nothing, the wish will be a weapon. Wish for something that brings happiness however..." The old woman trailed off, a far off look on her face.

I leaned forward as I felt my patience for what she was telling me slip away. I was too exhausted, I was hurting too much to drag out the conversation. Every question I had prepared fogged in my mind. "What in the hell did you do to me, why in the hell is this wish, or whatever it really is, making me so damned sick? Why does it feel like it is tearing me apart from the inside out? I made the wish over three months ago, something backfired." I grit the words out, my body shook as I raised to my feet, pain surging through my legs as I did.

Her eyes widened slightly. "Three month ago?" She stiffened in her chair, "Wishes are temporary, unless.."

"Unless what? Will you just freaking say it already? I swear I am dying here, and unless I know what in the hell is happening I won't know how to proceed."

"You haven't been examined yet, have you?"

"No."

She gave a small hum.

"Damn it, grandma, what the hell? You don't give me answers and you will be-"

"No need to be testy, boy, I'm getting to it." She relaxed into her chair, a small frown showed on her lips. "Every wish, it is different. Depends on the wish, depends on the circumstances. Wishes are temporary. But, there is a secondary part of the wish jutsu. It is why so many people risk everything to seek it out. The risk for most, didn't outweigh the possibility."

"Possibility for what?" I fell back into my chair. Finally, she was getting somewhere.

"Happiness. The wish jutsu is considered the greatest of all the jutsu for the land of fortune. It can go very bad, but it can go very good. Just like a bet. Win or lose." She moved her hands like a scale, palms upwards. She lifted her left hand. "Lose, your wish wears off, you deal with the consequences. Wealth that fades, an uprising and loss of the power the wisher so desperately wanted. The wish wears off the person you wanted to fall in love with you and they despise you for what you had done."

"What happens when you _win_ " I was feeling tired again. Already. Damn.

"I'm getting there." She gave a small glare and switched the scale, her left down, the right hand up. "If you win, the wish made leads to happiness, and if that happiness spurs a second wish, that wish will last a lifetime. It never wears, it never fades. It gives the ability to maintain that happiness, but it must be true. So, if I might ask, what was your second wish? It's the only way to know for sure what is going on with you. Physical changes, not common, but something the wish can force."

I froze. Second wish? Had I made another one? What could I have wished for that would do something like this? "I... Don't know."

She gave another hum and stood up. "I might be able to help a little, just by finding out what you wished for exactly. It may be to blame for what is happening to you."

I stared at her. She wasn't exactly my first choice as my first confidant in what had happened to me. "My first wish, it wasn't a good one." My heart ached as I remembered. Gaara. I only had three more weeks before he came. Hopefully.

"Perhaps. But, it may have led to something that made you happy while it was still active. There is about a five day window after a wish has been made for it to happen, and if during this timeframe, you make the second wish, it stays."

I stared at her a moment. Could I trust her? Grandma Tsunade seemed to have, but then again... No, I needed to know. "You... Won't tell anyone?" The very thought that she would spill the details of my first wish made my stomach lurch.

She regarded me a moment. "There is a reason you wanted me first, before being looked after."

"Will you or won't you?" I narrowed my eyes at her. I really couldn't remember what I could possibly have wished for that would cause me so much pain.

"I will. Stay there, I will come to you." She stood, walked around the desk and proceeded to fly through hand signs, muttering words I could barely make out. Then her hands were on my chest, a burning sensation filled me there, like when she had originally gave me the wish.

I hoped I was not going to regret this.

Her eyes widened. "You..." She stood back, a look of shock etched deeply into her featured. "The Kazekage, you..." She braced herself on the desk. "I see." She took a deep breath, a blush faint on her cheeks.

I growled at her. "I know. I said it wasn't a good wish."

"That isn't it. Your wish, you wished..."

" _WHAT_? What is so wrong that it has you freaked out so bad? Do you know why I am sick?"

"You wished..." Another breath, "You wished that you would be able to be with him like you were."

"Like..." I trailed off. Like I was? What sense did that make in how I was feeling? "I don't think I understand."

"You need to see your medic, right away, Lord Hokage."

I stared at her. "What is wrong with me?"

"I need to be here when the medic arrives. You need to call for one. It is... It is important."

My throat was dry. It seemed, I might not be able to hide what was going on with me, if she felt it so serious. She knew, she knew what was happening. "Why won't you just tell me?"

"Because I want to be sure what I think is correct. If I am... I do not want the blood of a Kage on my hands."

"I could die, then?" I felt sick again. I had feared that might be true. I thought about it on and off since the pain had started.

"I do not know."

I nodded, feeling a bit numb all of a sudden. Death. Gaara would kill me. I snorted at that. He would never forgive me if I went and died on him. "Fine. I will get Sakura."

My body ached. I felt numb. This meeting, it was not how I thought it would be. I wished that the moment would last... They way I was...

Did that mean...

No, it couldn't.

I wouldn't accept it.

Could I?

I had been a woman, then. If that was what was happening, I would lose everything. My position, my kids, my life possibly, even Hinata. It was probably wrong to have her on the end of my priority list. What had happened between us? My heart ached for what we were, for what no longer was.

I swallowed and asked the woman to have Shikamaru bring me Sakura.

This was going to be a long, very long day.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I had convinced Sakura to carry me down to my apartment, and the old woman had followed behind us silently. She knew right away that something was wrong, even told me that she had known I was sick in some way but didn't want to press the matter. She trusted that I would say something when I was ready. I _wasn't_ ready. I'm not sure I ever _would_ be ready to tell her what was going on. I really just wanted to keep it to myself. To myself and Gaara. It shouldn't have been anyone else's business. But no, I had to make a wish that would make it obvious there was something going on with me. Way to go.

She set me down on the bed and I groaned at the impact. At least, with her carrying me, I wouldn't have to make the trip myself. It was almost, _almost_ , worth it.

Almost.

She sat down next to me. "Naruto, I will need you to lay back. Relax, it will only take a moment, ok? You don't need to tell me anything, if you don't want, but at least let me do a quick check to see if I can help."

I tried to relax. Laying back like that only made me want to go back to sleep. Her hands hovered over me, her chakra flowed slowly into my body, starting at my head, then my arms, then my chest. She stopped there, pulling her arms back, an odd look to her face. "Sakura?"

"You..." Her brows were drawn together, her lips turned down. "Why... Why haven't you come to me sooner?" Her hands fell down to the bed and she clenched her fist, grasping the sheet below. "Why would you do this to yourself?" She shook her head and I watched as a tear slide down her cheek as her hands went back to my shoulder. She touched lightly and...

Oh goodness, that felt nice. I gave a small moan as the pain ebbed away from the area she was touching. She moved her hands away. I looked over to her with a sigh as she sat back. I should have talked to her sooner. This was heaven.

I screamed. I could almost feel the bones in my shoulder shatter as the pain came back, worse than before.

Shit, freaking hell. I gave out a cry and gripped at my shoulder with my other hand. I fought for breath as I tried to compose myself. Sakura moved forwards but the old woman stopped her. "Don't!"

I couldn't focus on the words, the only thing I could think of in that moment was the pain. I vaguely heard their voices in the background as I clutched at the fabric over my shoulder. _Make it stop, just make it stop._ It took a moment, but the pain dulled back down to normal, which still wasn't much better, but at least I could calm my breath, focus on what was going on. I panted, feeling as though I had run a marathon. I focused my attention back on them.

Sakura noticed my movement and turned back to me. "I don't get it. It should have... What the heck did you do? Almost all of your bones are fractured, some of them are fully broken, most your muscles seem to have torn. How in the hell are you even moving? Screw that, _why_ are you even moving?"

I just groaned in response. Well, that at least explained the pain.

She brought her hands back to me. "Ok, no more trying to heal you. I don't get it, but I won't hurt you. I am just going to finish my exam. Make sure your seal is in tact, see if there is anything else immediate we need to worry about." Her hands returned to my chest, then lower and hovered over my abdomen. She drew her hands in quickly with a breath. "That can't be right." She took a breath, her hands hesitated then returned to my abdomen. "This... This is wrong. Impossible."

"I think I'm right then."

Both Sakura and I turned to the old woman, neither of us having a voice to ask.

"When you made your wish, you were a woman. It was a selfish wish, yes, but you somehow managed to reach a moment of real happiness. You are changing. Faster than I would think would be possible. I've seen something similar, but the transformation was gradual, took years."

So it was true then. I felt cold. What would I tell Hinata, my kids? Hell what would I tell the people of Konoha.

What would I tell **_Gaara_**? What would he think of all this? Would he be disgusted with me?

If he ever talked to me again. I groaned and Sakura gave me an empathetic look. That quickly changed to anger as she comprehended what the old woman was saying.

She shot a look to the old woman. "What do you mean woman?" Then back to me, "What is going on? Wish? What wish? What in the hell is going on, Naruto, what have you done this time?" Sakura shot me a look that I was used to from her. An accusatory one.

Well, it was my fault. "She used her wish jutsu on me. Made a stupid wish by accident, it came true and now this."

"What did you wish for?"

I swallowed. I... Didn't want to say. I looked away from her.

"The Kazekage." I closed my eyes as I heard the words come from the old woman next to me.

Only silence followed.

I wished it would last.

Unfortunately, I wasted all my wishes already.

"That doesn't make sense, why would you be a woman for..." There was a moment of silence before I heard her gasp. "You wouldn't. Naruto... But... What about Hinata?"

I refused to look at her. Hinata. What _about_ Hinata? We really were married in name only anymore it seemed. Maybe she would be relieved. "I don't know, Sakura. I don't know." I kept my eyes trained on the wall. I refused to see her look of disappointment. Her scorn. Not from her.

I heard a sigh and then I felt a hand entwine into mine. "I'm not sure what I can do, but I want to figure it out. Tomorrow, I will come back, do a better exam, figure out why this is happening so fast, see if we can stop it. Reverse it. I can't lose you, Naruto. I don't care what happened between you and the Kazekage, ok? You need to rest. For now, just rest. Don't worry. I won't tell. I promise." She squeezed my hand.

I dared look over to her, the movement sending a small shock of pain through my shoulder. Her head was down and tears dripped down her nose and chin. She was crying. Crying for me. I hated that, I didn't deserve it. "Hey, don't you worry about me, Sakura. It will take more than me turning into a girl to kill me off. I've been through worse, right? I am sure I have. So don't worry. I'll be fine." Tired. I felt so tired. I felt my eyes droop shut. "I will, I promise, on my word. It's my nindo, so I have to keep it." I'm not sure if I actually said the last words or not, the grogginess I felt overloading my senses. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

I gave into it, feeling just slightly better after the burden of my pain was no longer completely secret. Sakura...

Maybe, Sakura could fix me. Stop this pain. Maybe....

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I think that these two need a small miracle to happen to actually get them together because both of them are a bit inept in the feelings department. ;)
> 
> I looked up that song by little mix, and it officially song #70 on my playlist. It was kind of sad and I have a weird obsession with sad things so I think it adds to it.
> 
> I have the next two days off! Hopefully another chapter or two shall be done in this time, I already am around 500 words into the next one mwahahaha!
> 
> Anyway, as promised- My used playlist for this story, Some are for lyrics, others for mood:
> 
> Hunger in your haunt - crywolf (the opening line to this song feels so right for this as does most of the song. Came across it about a week ago and it is at the top of this list for a reason. -I saw in the corner of your smile there's been a darkness there a while- then after the next verse -where are all the things that you have toiled all your life for? Was it me you wanted when you said you wanted something more than what you knew?- Pretty awesome.)
> 
> Gone - Bakermat
> 
> Opium - Dead can dance
> 
> Heal - Tom Odell
> 
> Pyramid Song - Radiohead
> 
> True Loves - Hooray for earth
> 
> Blessa - Toro y moi
> 
> Gone away - Madi Diaz
> 
> I don't know - Peter and Kerry
> 
> Mr. Watson - Cruel Youth
> 
> Fainleog (wanderer) - the glooming
> 
> Freak- Lana del Rey
> 
> Curse - Viktor Taiwo
> 
> Lost Boy - Ruth B (This is just a personal favorite but fits the tone and always inspires me no matter the project)
> 
> My last day - Gary Numan
> 
> All Mine - Portishead
> 
> Beginning to blue - Still corners
> 
> Set the fire - Swimming tapes
> 
> Genghis Khan - Miike Snow
> 
> Life on Mars - Aurora
> 
> Blood and Stone- Audiomachine
> 
> God knows I tried - Lana del Rey
> 
> Parenthesis - Tricky
> 
> Low - Trace
> 
> Breathe - Fleurie
> 
> Honey - Trace
> 
> I am dust - Gary Numan
> 
> Art Deco - Lana del Rey
> 
> Stuck - Day Wave
> 
> Music to watch boys by - Lana del Rey (Can't tell who some of my favorite artists are by this list, can you?)


	22. Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note
> 
> *Blood warning- Gaara has a flashback*
> 
> Just so you know. In case you get squeamish and you want to read this before bed.
> 
> Also. WOO! 7000 words in a day. I am impressed with myself, a new record! Anyway, one more day off before work, maybe I can get the next chapter done tomorrow? Maybe. It is a pretty important one that settles up a couple mysteries so I can move on to more of the aftermath.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for your reviews! I always appreciate them! I would say more, but I don't want to ruin anything, most of what you talked about will be addressed next chapter ;)

 

**Gaara**

Kankuro was angry at me.  He had been for the past month.  Eventually he would forgive me for running off on my own.  I was still alive, I wasn't an imposter nor did I necessarily care that he was mad at me in the first place. 

I didn't care.  Not really.  Maybe a little.  Was it my fault that the only person that I could really talk to just so happened to be my brother?  That said brother had barely spoken but a handful of sentences since chasing me down in the desert just over a month ago.  No, I was not bothered in the slightest by this fact.

Even if I were, say, bothered by such an irrational display of child like behavior, which I wasn't, I would never admit it to the man.

I was doing quite well.  Other than the fact I really wanted talk to somebody.  I _should_ talk to somebody.  That somebody would be my brother, even if he didn't want to talk.  I _would_ talk to him even if I had to hold him down and gag him while I did so.

I was going mad. 

I couldn't concentrate, all I could think about was Naruto.  His carving.  My inability to keep my hands to myself.  The fact he had not made a single television appearance since I had rightfully escaped Konoha. That he hadn't even tried to write me. Maybe he didn't want to write me. I wouldn't blame him if he hadn't, I did just flee from his presence, his village and his hard work. I understood now why Naruto had left me before.

It had been best that I had left.  If I hadn't then...  I stared blankly down the alley I was standing in.  Well, something bad would have come of it.  I sighed.

I should probably write him, confirm my visit in a few weeks.  I wanted to go back within a week, but that would have been strange.  I wasn't one to act on my emotions, it wouldn't do to start now.  I would be questioned.  Mostly by my siblings, but I would be questioned none the less. I took slow deliberate steps down the alley before me. This alley, I remembered it. I had the desire to kill something considering Kankuro wasn't talking to me, and once, many years ago there was a girl who promised me her blood one day.

And I so happened to be passing by this spot on my way to the outer walls. So it never hurt to check, even though I knew she wouldn't be there.

I doubted she would ever return, but when I desired things that I knew were unacceptable for most of the people... Well, all the people of my village, I came here on the slight chance that the girl would randomly show up so I could crush her to death.

But all life was precious and worth protecting, only taken if there was no other means. Or if they just plain deserved it. Or if I was in a mood.

 _No_ , that was wrong.

I doubted I would actually do it, it _would_ be wrong, but it was a bit of a thrill to think of the possibility that if I wanted to, I _could_. She had promised me. I had been... I stared blankly into the alley. Well, I wasn't sure how old. Perhaps it was a year before I met Naruto? That sounded like it could be correct. It had been night and I was perched nearby on a rooftop, watching the few people that had been out at that time, waiting to see which one would become dinner for Mother. All I needed was someone to annoy me. Look at me. Walk the wrong direction.

Sneeze.

Any of that would have done for me to desire their blood. Blood was warm, and it had been cold that night. I remember considering killing a couple of people that night, wouldn't that have been generous of me? To save them from the cold so that I could heat my sand? At the time, I had thought so. It was from that perch, I had heard her scream.

I had heard those words, that were usually meant for me. _Monster._ I had been curious. What other thing in my village could garner such hateful words? I had followed the sound, into this very alley that I now stood. There had been a girl, trapped by two boys, held down by the point of a kunai. She had been leaking from the place it touched her. A delicious scene.

I remembered it well.

_"I highly doubt that weak creature you are threatening is a monster, it would do you well to note what actually is, or is not, a monster."_

_They looked to me, shock widened their eyes when they noticed who had spoken to them. It was never a good thing to be spoken to by me. It usually was followed by death. I enjoyed death. Their screams, their blood, I needed it. I needed to exist._

_I hated them._

_"Well? Going to say something?"_

_"She needs to die! She is a freak, even you should see that!" The one with the kunai pointed at the girl behind him._

_**Needed** to die? Who was he to decide? They thought I needed to die. No. It was him who would die today._

_"Is that so. I think you are mistaken." I uncapped my gourd, and smiled a twisted, lopsided smile. I laughed at him, the look of horror on his face. "You see, I think it is you who were meant to die tonight."_

_His friend and the girl both stood frozen in fear as my sand surrounded him. "It would be boring, wouldn't it? If I were just going to kill you so quickly? I could, kill you quickly. If I wanted."_

_My smile grew wider as the pest pleaded with me. It wouldn't work. It never worked. It had been that moment his friend came to his senses and tried to run._

_It was fun when they tried to escape me. I wouldn't allow that. He would probably brag that the monster got soft and he was able to escape me. It would be annoying. No, he too would die tonight. Wasn't that lovely?_

_My sand would be warm, wouldn't it?_

_Yes, I would be able to keep warm tonight._

_I followed him with my eyes as he darted past, allowing him to think he might have had a chance. The fear was always greater when they thought they had a chance. I allowed him to turn the corner before I reached out with my sand, dragging him back by his leg. He screamed, tears streamed down his face. Such a pest. He clawed at the ground desperate to escape me. He twisted as I pulled him back and clawed at the sand around his leg. "You annoy me." I raised my arm then clenched my hand, a pleasurable wave of satisfaction filled my senses as I felt his bones snap apart inside my sand, the warmth of his blood pooling into the granules. I felt Mother stir from the sacrifice._

_**Sweet Child, feed me, such a lovely boy.** _

_I laughed. "More! I need more." I raised the sand up around the rest of him, urged on by the pained screams coming from him "Yes, your blood, mother wants it, so hungry..." I laughed as the rest of him followed in the manner that his leg had. The soft squelch of flesh being pressed into itself, bones shattering, crushing, blending with my sand. Blood oozed into the granules, warming it, feeding Mother._

_**Yes, yes, I need more, feed me more.** _

_"Yes Mother, this one, this one I will let us savor. Isn't that nice, Mother?"_

_**Yes, Mother is happy, kill for Mother, Mother wants blood.** _

_Slow. It would be more amusing if I killed him slowly. I flicked my hand and crushed his left hand. I was rewarded by a high pitched scream._

_"You bastard! Monster! Please, I will do what you want, I will kill for you, please, just let me go!"_

_I smiled at his rant. "No. What I want, is blood. Your blood, We have tasted it. It was delicious, I want more. We need more..." Another flick of my wrist, another scream. The right hand was gone. "I wonder... Crush you? Should I Mother, should we make him part of us? Is he worthy of it?"_

_**Crush him, crush him! Make him bleed, first make him bleed!** _

_Mother's voice was getting higher, more unstable. It wasn't good to disappoint Mother. I tuned her voice out while I focused on my prey. I bared my teeth as my smile widened. Let's play first. Make it bleed. I called my sand, forming a long spike. More pleading and wailing came from my kill. Yes, yes scream, it made it better, more satisfying. Let's hear you scream, give me your existence. I held the sand spike up, let it float out of my hand. Hmm. Where should it go? The heart would be too quick a death. No, someplace else. He needed to bleed, and he wouldn't bleed without a heart now would he? Shoulder. Yes, that was a good place for this. I pushed it forward, willing it to gain speed until it pierced through his shoulder, urging out another pained cry. I shuddered in pleasure. Yes, this was a lovely night, such a lovely night. I had never guessed I would have this much fun when I had taken to my perch just a few hours earlier. Imagine, such fools annoying me so early in the night. I formed another spike. Now where? I wasn't a fan of complete symmetry. It wasn't natural, symmetry. Nothing was perfect even if it appeared that way, so why make this any different? So where then? His thigh? On the opposite side... Yes, there was nice._

_I floated the spike above my hand. Let's see, where would the veins be that would allow him to bleed the most? I stared at him a moment. It would be no use to guess. I felt his body with my sand, waiting to feel the pulses, waiting to feel the best place that..._

_There. A vein, a large one in his inner thigh. I flung it forward, hitting the pulsing area, the warmth flooding through the sand. Mmm, yes. This was it. Beautiful, delicious, warm. He didn't scream as loud that time though. That wasn't good. I frowned and crushed his foot as a test, but he only groaned._

_"I think I broke my plaything Mother. Should I kill it now?" I stepped towards him. Mother gave no reply. Alone. I was alone again. Anger flashed through me. How dare it? He struggled for breath. I clenched my hand, crushing a leg. A whimper. Yes, he was broken now. No more sweet sounds. How annoying. I wanted to play a little more. I stared at him a moment, the look in his eyes. Defeat. He knew he was dead now. It would no longer be any fun to drag it out at that point. "Very well." I glared at the pitiful thing. "Please die." I covered his head. I clenched my hand tightly, the sound of wet blood spurting through the sand mixed with the grinding of bones filled and echoed within the alley. I had crushed him with so much force that his blood had escaped the sand, landing on the sides of the alley, on me. Maybe, I would get myself an umbrella someday. That would be fun, wouldn't it? Make it rain blood... I worked at grinding him into my being, no longer was there flesh, no longer was there bone, no longer was there a different life from mine. His blood meant I lived. His breath fed into mine, his bones made me stronger._

_I took a deep breath, my body shook as I brought the sand to me, exchanging some of my body armor with it. Warm, so very warm._

_I jumped as something wiped at my face. I shoved the offender aside into the wall with my sand. I glared down. The girl. Her eyes... They were different._

_They held no fear. They held no animosity. They held... Nothing. They swirled like clouds, blank. "You had blood on your face, sir."_

_"Do not touch me."I turned from her, puzzled by why I didn't feel like killing her for her mere existence. For daring to touch me. "They called you monster. Why?"_

_"They fear me. You would fear me, if you knew."Her voice was soft, indifferent. As though she hadn't just witnessed me slaughter her attackers without mercy._

_"Were your eyes closed just then? I do not fear. I **am** a monster."_

_"Are you?" Her blank, swirling eyes were starting to annoy me._

_That, and I disliked talking to people I wasn't planning on killing for long. "Yes."_

_"You should kill me. Not now, but someday. I want you to. I will help prove your existence." She sounded too calm, talking about her own death._

_"What of yours?" The sand began to swirl around me, the conversation with this odd girl had started to irritate me._

_She stared a moment. "My existence?" She settled into the wall behind her, oddly calm. This girl had a death wish. "Maybe..." She smiled at me then. "You will have an interesting life, Sabaku no Gaara." So she did recognize me. "I have seen it." Her smiled widened. "You. You will be it. There will be a moment that you could use me. Then, you can kill me, I promise. You saved me just now. I will return that favor."_

_That smile annoyed me. I formed a spike and tossed it at her head. It bored a hole barely an inch away from her, and she didn't even flinch. How could she know that I would miss? I took a step back. "What the hell... What are you?"_

_"A monster."_

I really didn't remember what happened past that all that well. I think I left at that point. She had freaked me out a little and I had never seen her again. I ran my hand along the stone walls of the buildings that surrounded the alley until I reached a dent. Proof. The proof that she existed. Well, at least existed in my mind, there were times I wasn't sure if everything I remembered from my childhood was real. I really didn't know why there were moments when I actually missed Shukaku. He really liked to mess with my head at times. Well, he _always_ liked to mess with my head. I looked to the back of the alley, my hand lingered on the hole where I had thrown that spike all those years ago. Who had they been anyway? Those boys. How many had I killed in those days? There was a reason that many missing persons reports from my youth were just tossed out.

They knew.

They tried to stop me, but they only added to my existence.

I frowned. I really wished I felt... Something. Anything about them. I wanted to feel sad. I wanted to feel remorse. I wanted...

I turned away and left the alley that was filled with so many memories. That girl. I wonder if she would really come back someday. I wonder if she would actually expect me to kill her. I had no reason to, unless she planned to harm Suna. It was hard for me to believe sometimes that this village, the people that lived here came to be the reason of my new existence. I would protect them with my life, if need be. I was the Kazekage, and for some slide in all their sanity, they wanted me to be.

It was a hard pill to swallow to realize that. When I had come back from the dead, when they all stood there, waiting for my return, cheering for me.

_Me._

The monster who could kill so easily if he so chose to. It was overwhelming.

I wonder what my life would have been if I hadn't met _him_. I shuddered. I had no doubt there would be bodies that lined the streets, there would have been no one to come for me when I had been taken by the Akatsuki, there would have been no one that would have even missed me. They would have cheered then, not for my return, but for my death. What a horrible existence that would have been. Love only myself, be loved by no one else but myself. It had been my prison, but a necessary one.

I had been lucky that the man who sired me had died at the same time when I decided to try to pursue a life like his. That brightness, it had been possible for _him_. How had he managed to get precious people? Why did he sacrifice so much for them? He had dragged me from that self imposed prison kicking and screaming.

I owed him everything.

I needed to talk to that annoying puppet wielding, overreacting child-man known as Kankuro. I groaned and jumped up to the rooftops. I needed advice. I had to make up for leaving Naruto like I had. We were similar in a way. If he took my departure like I had his, he would be devastated. He had shown me something so personal.

I stood there, on the top of the roof and looked back to the alley. A moment that I would need her? Either she was an expert at bluffing her way through getting murdered by a remorseless psychopath, because honestly that really is what I had been, or she could somehow see the future.

 _Monster._ That is what they had called her. Maybe she could.

I waited a moment longer, as though she would magically appear to answer my curiosity. I had hunted for her, after I had become Kazekage. Our encounter bothered me. Not just because she promised to return, but because I hadn't had the desire to kill her. That alone was a rare occurrence for me. I always had wanted to kill my siblings, it was actually a small miracle that I hadn't given into that urge the few occurrences that I was actually allowed near them. Most of my missions were done alone and I was sure they were hoping that I would perish on the A level missions my father had sent me on. The mission to Konoha was one that was rare for me, a team mission. They always paired me with those two during low end missions figuring that I was less likely to kill my siblings than any other shinobi. That man always protested when they did that, it made me angry. I had always wanted to shred him into slivers of bone and liquefy his flesh. That man who was my father. I probably dreamed of that one a bit too often. _Sorry Father, but I really kind of hate you_. I could still feel the relief in knowing he had been murdered and left out to die. In a way, I owed that much to Orochimaru.

I forced myself away from the alley. Staying there reminiscing about how I used to be was never all that good for my psyche. If I had remorse or guilt over the things I had done, it would have been different perhaps. No, remembering the joy of the kill was not a good thing for me.

I did not want to turn back into that.

I leapt forwards, silently and swiftly moving from building to building towards the outer wall. I had an idea. An odd one, but it was an idea. It was why I had come this way in the first place, my old stomping grounds. The district I had grown up in and had been the bane of existence of until I was twelve. I was sure there was no one in this place that was happier when I had returned from the exams and Temari had insisted that I stayed with them.

I am sure much to the chagrin of their neighbors. It hadn't exactly been a warm welcome, moving into the Kazekage residence.

I paused at a building at the very edge of the district. It was a small house, this district was the most village like in the entirety of Suna. It reminded me more of Konoha. Houses and shops were more present in this district, The high rises and underground markets were too far for this area and the tunnels didn't run this far out. Many of Suna's larger ninja families lived out in districts like these. It was also the best place to try and handle damage control. I concentrated my chakra in my feet and walked down the side of the building and stopped at a large bedroom. It was covered in dust and spider webs, I could tell even from the cracked window. So they had left the place abandoned.

Of course they would think the place was cursed. It had been my home until my Father died. I looked to the other houses. It looked as though the ones closest to mine were being occupied again. That was nice at least. I hadn't had neighbors for as long as I could remember. I jumped down and headed to the rock wall that was near there where a long narrow recess in the stone was located. The children from the district played in there, it was more protected from the sand and wind than any of the other designated play areas.

I clenched my jaw. Yashamaru... I had almost killed someone by accident while trying to get them to play with me. I had retrieved their ball for them. I had thought, if I had given back their toy, then they would see I was ok. They would play with me.

They would? Wouldn't they? No, nothing was ever that simple for me. It had not been long after that my own uncle had pleaded with me to die with him. _Please die._

I used that very line on many of my victims before I changed. A place of change. I wanted to...

I would bring something better for this place. Every time I looked in this direction I could only be reminded of that ache that still stubbornly planted itself inside my heart. But this place... It had the potential to be something else.

Something beautiful.

I needed to talk to Kankuro. I groaned as I walked inside the small protected area. If I remembered correctly there was a spot near where I had retrieved their ball off the top of the cliff that would suit my purposes. All I had to do was confirm that my memory was correct, and not just another half dream that Shukaku planted in my head. Those memories annoyed me. Twisted, hateful. Like he had needed to mess with them to make me more crazy in the first place, my real memories were enough to suit his purposes just fine. I found the spot, near the end of the recess and pressed my hand to the side. There, this was it. I felt deep within the stone searching for the sand that dwelled inside. Yes, there, about twenty meters in there was a large cavern buried inside the rock. Fully protected, completely away from the entire village. I had played with the idea of tunneling a way into that cavern when I was small, before nothing mattered to me anymore. I had suggested it him, before he tried to kill me. I could hide there, away from their hatred, away from their scorn, away from those looks that made me so angry.

I never asked for this. Yet...

If it weren't for having Shukaku, I would never have been chosen to invade Konoha as Suna's weapon. I would never have met _him_.

This was for me, but secretly, it would be for him. He seemed to dislike the desert. Always would leave here sooner than he had planned. Maybe, if I built this, maybe he would stay a bit longer when he would come for the meetings. If I could keep him here for just a little while longer then maybe...

I sighed softly to the stone in front of me. I needed to form a plan. I had to try to fix us. He was too important to me to lose him because we had that moment. That moment, it had to last me my lifetime. All I had to do was learn to control myself, normal people could control it, it was just that the need was something new to me.

It felt strange, almost painful. I disliked it. Besides, Naruto was obviously back to being a man, and that sort of relationship would be physically impossible now. I turned and headed back to my tower. Kankuro had turned a large portion of the basement into a puppet shop while I kept the room at the top of the tower to myself. It looked over the Kazekage offices, and allowed me to see much of Suna.

I frowned. Kankuro would likely be whittling wood away on one of his puppets in his workshop. It was sort of creepy and I usually stayed clear of there, so many wooden limbs, heads and various human looking pieces scattered around the place.

It was sort of inconceivable that such things would creep me out, but I disliked looking upon the dead. It was why I destroyed my victims when I killed them. It was easier to cope with my murderous streak when there wasn't a body to stare me down in silent accusation.

I needed to talk to him. He would help me with my building project, and he might have an idea on how to patch things up with Naruto. I hoped anyway.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Kankuro had me sitting in the middle of his workshop, half put together puppets and heads littered around the place in a bit of a disarray. I really didn't know how we could be related. We were nothing alike. I stared one of the puppets down, it's wooden eyes fixated on me. No, we wouldn't be alike, would we? I barely even knew him before I was a teenager. Just the odd mission, the random banquet I was forced to attend since I was technically a blood relation to the Kazekage and I annoyingly looked like the man somewhat. I remembered the look of fear on my siblings' faces when we were forced to spend time together. Always afraid I would snap and kill someone. Just because I did a few times in their presence...

I continued staring at the puppet, daring it to blink. Not that it would, but sometimes Kankuro's puppets seemed too life like for their own good. Especially after he had acquired the old puppets that Akasuna no Sasori had made.

"Gaara, no matter how good you are at blank stare downs, you will never win because unlike her, you are _not_ made of wood and will eventually have to blink."

"I dislike it." I continued to stare at it.

"She isn't done yet, I am sure you will like her when she is done. Will be the best one yet, you'll see!" He pulled out a small bench and sat down on it, leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. "I am not over it, so don't think just because I agreed to listen to whatever it is you're going to say, that I forgive you from dragging me back across the desert less than twenty four hours after we freaking got to Konoha. Hell, Gaara, that sucked." He frowned at me, his disappointment obvious on his face.

"I apologize." I looked away from him. He was right, I had been wrong in leaving. "You didn't need to follow me though. I am capable of defending myself."

"Yeah, and that always works great for you, doesn't it?" His voice was sharp, condescending.

He was referring to when I had died. I sighed. I needed to lighten the mood. "Get kidnapped and murdered once..." Joke, I hope I did it correctly. Paraphrased from something that Nara had done that had elicited laughter in response, though I could not remember exactly what he had said, I remembered the simple phrasing.

"Never live it down?" An amused look melted away his irritation. "While that really isn't all that funny, it's kind of amazing you even tried." He sat up, crossed his arms and smiled at me. "Fine, what's up? You got something on your mind otherwise you would have just let me cool off, so out with it."

I frowned. Had I delivered the joke incorrectly? "It was not _funny_?" The word felt odd on my tongue.

He sighed. "Listen, you did the line right. It's the subject. You dying, it isn't exactly a pleasant memory, nor is it in any context. Personally, I would stay away from that."

I kept my eyes on him, unblinking as I considered his words. "So that line is well in another context then?"

"Yeah, it could be."

"I see." I tilted my head. I could not think of any other examples of how to use that phrase. "Perhaps that is something to try out at another instance."

"Uh huh. You... You didn't just come here to try out a joke, did you?" He looked puzzled.

"No." I blinked, my eyes starting to feel a little dry. "I have a question. Well, a question, and a project."

He slumped down a little, looking more relaxed. "That sounds more like it. Had me worried there a moment, thought maybe you actually lost it this time. Shoot."

"First, I am sure that I have upset Naruto by leaving. I would like a way to make it up to him somehow. I am not very good at expressing myself, more so around him. Do you have any ideas?"

He frowned. "Who wouldn't be upset that you left? You didn't even say a word to anyone, I mean really, Gaara, what the hell?"

I glared at him. "I am still not going to divulge my reasons, but be assured I had them. It was pertinent that I leave immediately. I do not need to inform you of everything I do."

He held up his hands. "Fine, whatever. I'm just curious why you ran away when you were so anxious to get there in the first place. I have no idea what is going on between you two lovebirds, but I will keep my nose out of it."

Lovebirds? I felt my heart race. Did he know? He couldn't, could he? "I..."

He gave a small laugh. "Seriously? What, you figure out you love the guy or something?" His eyes widened and he waved his hand in front of him. "No, don't even answer that. Even if you did fall for that blonde haired idiot, I would rather not know about it."

Love... Love Naruto? I felt warm. Was such a thing possible? Was I even capable of love? "Do you know of something I could do or not?" I kept my voice low as I hoped to hide the odd emotions flowing through my chest. "What is customary as a token of apology?"

He simply stared at me a moment then sighed. "Give him something."

"Give him something? Like what?" I thought of the small bone flower that Naruto had given me when I had gone to his village before. "A small trinket perhaps?"

"Yeah, if you make it. Something that has been bought isn't the same as if it is made. Buy it, it is more of an afterthought. Make something, and it shows you really put some thought into it. Take these puppets. Each one takes hours, and I do mean a _lot_ of hours to make. I don't mean for you to try to make a puppet but... Do you actually have any hobbies other than growing cacti?"

I stared at him. Other hobbies? "Reading. I do enjoy to read when my work is done, and my collection of cacti has been taken care of. I just started a few new pots of grafted cacti this last weekend though, they will need some extra care. I will need to watch the sand carefully to see if it dries out too quickly, also to ensure I do not water them too much. Rot is such a danger to them at that stage, did you know that cuttings do best if planted directly into sand? I cannot remember if I had mentioned that to you before." I stopped myself from continuing when I seen the look on his face. Annoyed? I frowned.

"Yeah... Um, do you do anything else?" He gave a lopsided grin.

"Not really. I could make something from sand, but it would fall apart without me near."

"Sand that lasts... Hmm." He cracked his neck and tapped his fingers on his arm where his hand lay. "Hey, did you know that glass is made out of sand?"

I stared at him. "I am aware. I do not see how this helps my predicament though. I cannot create glass, nor does it obey me. Unless I grind it down into sand, would that help?"

"I have an idea." He smiled wide, grabbed my arm and I followed him through the door.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"So, once the sand reaches around 1700 degrees, it melts down into liquid, which once cooled turns into glass. Do you follow so far?" The boy that called himself Hari was sitting across the table from me backwards in a chair, his arms folded on the back of it as he spoke. It was somewhat off-putting that he spoke to me so casually.

I sort of... Liked it. He reminded me of the people from Konoha that Naruto surrounded himself with. I nodded my understanding to him.

"So, Lord Kankuro thinks that you might be able to work the glass before it cools. You want to try then, Lord Gaara?"

"You can drop the lord, if you will. While you are teaching me your technique, are you not my superior?"

He brushed his dark hair away from his eyes, a red tinge to his cheeks. "So, hey, L... Gaara, if you would follow me." He pushed himself from the chair and headed towards a door at the end of the room. "My dad taught me when I was a kid. Not exactly a shinobi skill, but I mastered it pretty quick, get a lot of customers. Still makes me useful in a place like this, so, eh, what can I say. I sure got Lord Kankuro's attention. Uses my stuff in his puppets sometimes. Probably why he picked me to teach you, right?"

"You talk a lot, Hari."

He stopped a moment, frozen in place. "I'm sorry. I'm nervous, yeah? Didn't exactly think I would be working with the Kazekage himself, so..." He forced a small smile on his face. "Sorry, ok?"

I frowned at him. He was afraid of me. It was not an uncommon reaction to me. They remembered my past too well, the younger ones were told of it. I was an asset to them as their protector, but my roots would always be tarnished by my actions from then. "I will not harm you."

He turned away, waving me to follow, not acknowledging what I had said. "This room here is where I keep my kiln and blowers." I followed him into a very hot room that held a large box looking instrument and what looked like a chimney, filled with things that looked like they belonged in my interrogation room.

"What is all this for?" I pointed at the items that looked like torture devices.

"Manipulating the glass, but we are hoping that you won't need it. Here, wait here." He pointed at a metal table near the box looking device. "I am going to grab the glass, it should be liquefied by now, you guys are lucky I had already been planning a project for today, we would have had to wait otherwise." He flashed me a smile before heading over to the large box, covered his hands in thick gloves and opened the lid. He took large tongs and lifted out a bucket and walked it over to the table. It was glowing a fiery red and the heat that came from it was immense.

"There we are, liquid sand. So... If you want to do your thing and see if it works..." He stepped back.

Nervous again. Not many people were comfortable with my ability. I raised my hand, reaching out with my chakra to feel out the sand. There, in the container, I could feel it. It felt faint, but it was there. I pulled at it, working at getting it out of its holster, and I could see it rise. "It... It is working." I was surprised that I could. It was no longer individual grains, but it was still moveable.

"Yeah." His voice was a whisper, his eyes wide. "That... That is amazing."

I brought it out of it's container completely. I had to concentrate on it fully, imagining that it turned into a ball in order to create the sphere. I set it down and it crumpled into a molten mess. I frowned and looked to my teacher. "Hari?"

He smiled, no hints of hesitation this time. I felt a small flutter in my chest at the realization that he had lost his fear of me in those few moments I was working with the glass. "It has to cool down before it holds its shape. Tricky process. I would put it in my annealer, but it wouldn't hold. We will have to do something a little different for you." He scrunched up the side of his mouth and tapped his fingers to his thigh. "Sand. You control sand. By the time you get the shape it will be too cool for it to melt the surrounding sand, so if you surround it in sand, it might work. Hold the heat in, allow it to cool slow so it doesn't break in the process. Let's try that. Just a sec." He dashed out of the room and I took it on myself to put the glass back into its container. He wasn't gone long and had returned with a bucket of sand. "Here. This should be enough. Once you're done, you can take your project with you and take it out when its cool. Can you tell how hot it is? The sand that is?"

I nodded. "Yes, sand is a part of me. I can feel what it feels, including temperature."

"So... That is a little creepy, but ok." He shrugged and placed the sand at my feet. "Alright, lets start with a sphere. You did that before so I think it's a good place to start..."

I raised my hand and once again pulled on the liquid glass, amazed that it responded to me. This... This could actually be interesting.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I stared at the small rounded gourd on my desk. Buried inside was a tiny glass ball that I had created myself. At least, it would be glass once it cooled down. Tomorrow Hari had made me promise to return with my project for inspection and so that we could try again. I was determined to make progress. I could make something for Naruto that would be acceptable for an apology trinket. I hoped he would like it. It had to be perfect. Maybe I could make him a flower, similar to what he had given me himself. No, that would be too simple. I didn't want to be too extravagant either. That had nearly been a horrible mistake, I had almost listened to my brother about doing some massively elaborate and expensive gift for Naruto's wedding. Something about a gift that would suit from the Kazekage. But then I realized that a small note, and just being there would be enough. As his friend, being there was enough. I smiled.

Then frowned. Lady Hinata. How could I ever look at her in the eye? I had both raped and then slept with her husband. She would likely try to avenge herself for that. Maybe. She never seemed that angry a person, but I knew that when it concerned Naruto, she would move the world. She was an amazing wife for him, she really was. I sighed and leaned back into my chair.

I raised my hand to my forehead. It was an odd form of endearment between us. Reminiscent to when he knocked me in my head, when he broke through. When he saved me from myself, from the darkness. That first person that refused to let me hate myself so much. Who understood.

And I had hurt him, and likely damaged his marriage to his precious wife. I groaned. Who was I to feel such things towards him? I focused on the dot on my desk. Letter. I would write him a letter. Simple, ask how he is, tell him that I was looking forward to our meeting in October.

October. There was something about October.

My eyes widened. The meeting was scheduled for the eighth. I would leave the day after. This trinket, it had to be more than something simple. It would be more than an apology.

I smiled as I remembered the significance to the timeframe.

It would a birthday gift. I would simply have to work extra hard to make it perfect.


	23. An Impossible Decision

**Naruto**

_Beep. Beep. Beep._ I groaned and raised my hand to my head. What was that beeping sound? I opened my eyes and looked around for the source. It didn't take me long to find it. Sakura was staring at some machine while taking down some notes. It had wires coming from it and some were attached to my fingers, chest and arm. What the hell? "Sakura?"

She looked over to me, her eyes widened a brief moment and then she smiled at me, a soft reassuring smile. There was something wrong. "You're awake. I'll be able to start the exam now."

"But I just woke up." I stared at her. Was she serious? I had to be dreaming.

"I know, but it is almost ten already. Lady Akemi stayed for a while to go over her own findings with he cases that are like yours. I need to find out if the difference in you is demon, or if it is something else. There is no way to tell that until I do an exam. Time is important. From what I could tell from my initial exam, you are still mostly a man, but... Well lets just say that you have something you shouldn't."

"What do you mean something that I shouldn't?"

"Um... Well, you have... You have a uterus..." She trailed off, red crept onto her cheeks with the words.

I stared. "What is a uterus?"

Her face fell. "Honestly Naruto? You've been married for how long? And you have two kids!"

What did that have anything to do with not knowing whatever it was that was in me?

She groaned. "You are hopeless. How in the heck can I word this so you can understand." She glared at me a moment. "It's the place where babies grow inside of women."

Eh? "It's a what?" Out of all the girly things for me to get first, why in the hell that?

"Naruto." Her voice was calm. "I need you to disrobe so I can examine you."

I glared. "Come on Sakura, you don't really need me to do that, do ya? I mean, I've been examined plenty of times before without having to get naked in front of my doctors."

"Because most of the time it would be pointless, you always healed yourself before it got too serious, and they only treated the worst wounds on you. You know that. This is different. I need to see if there is a way I can stop this before you really do turn into a woman."

I swallowed. "Do you think you can?" I slowly sat up, feeling oddly... Ok. I scrunched my face. "Hey, I am feeling a little better."

She moved over a strange looking device and some gel. Gel? What was she planning on doing with that exactly? "I gave you a natural sedative. It helps with pain by overriding the triggers in the brain, it is completely natural so don't worry about it. I just couldn't stand to see you in so much pain. I'm still amazed that you can even move. Even with the sedative, you are so injured that-" She choked and looked away from me. "Just remove your pants. You can use the blanket to cover yourself, I just need full access to your stomach. Since that is where you are having the strongest transformation, I think that is where I will find my answers." Her voice sounded dull. Like she knew already.

"You have an idea." She turned away from me fully while I stood. I felt my face grow hot as I worked at removing my pants. Look at that, my childhood fantasy of having Sakura in the room with me while I got naked. Hardly what I thought would be the reason for it, and now it was awkward and rather embarrassing.

I mean, she was one of my best friends. Married to my other bestfriend. I wonder what he would say if he knew Sakura might be peeking at my dangly bits? He would likely castrate me, friend or not. "I might. I cannot be sure until I take this test though."

I folded my pants and sat them on the floor next to the bed. My heart raced as I sat back down on the bed. I needed to get a supply of that damned sedative, it barely hurt for me to bend down. I smiled. Leave it to Sakura to find something that would help me so quickly. I laid on the bed and pulled up the blanket. I really hoped she wouldn't have to examine me more than my stomach. It probably had to do with Kurama. I was pretty sure most of the people that had wishes before weren't Jinchuuriki. "Ok, I think I'm ready." I took a deep breath. I shouldn't be this nervous for a simple exam.

"Ok, Naruto." She sat down on the bed next to me after grabbing the machine, the odd looking device and the bottle of gel. "Tell me if something hurts." She pressed on my stomach some, poking and prodding my ribs, my stomach, my abdomen. She was gentler there. Or maybe I had just gained too much weight for me to feel as much. "You are filling out here a bit." She softly pressed her hand to my lower abdomen as she moved the blankets down some.

"Yeah, I keep gaining weight. Kinda weird though, I can't seem to keep anything down."

Her brows furrowed. "Yeah, kind of weird, Naruto. Now... I need you to relax, take a breath. This is going to be a little cold, ok?"

"Yeah, ok." I didn't know what she was about to do, but I took a breath anyway. She grabbed the gel and squeezed some out on my lower stomach and I squealed. "Cold! That is freaking cold Sakura!"

She looked up at me with a glare. "Lay back and shut up, I told you it would be."

"Damn." I crossed my arms over my chest. I looked past my arms when she got the weird looking device. "What is that thing?"

She didn't respond while pressed it to my stomach where she had put the gel and started to move it around. Every so often she would pause in a place and press. It was freaking uncomfortable. And damn, I kind of had to pee. A lot. I shifted a little to try and relieve the pressure. I hoped she would hurry up.

"What in the hell are you doing? I wanna know."

She remained silent but moved the thing to another spot. God, did I have to use the bathroom though. Her pressing like that, really didn't help with me being able to hold it. I mean dang, she woke me up with this. "Sakura, I gotta take a wiz."

"I know." Her voice was low and she moved it again, press. Slight shift, press harder. She gasped. "Hold still." Slight movement, press. Press harder.

I had to pee. I had to pee I had to pee I had to pee. "Sakura, I mean it."

"So do I, hold still."

I groaned as she moved just barely and pressed even harder. I could feel her shaking through the thing that was pressed to me. I uncrossed my arms and looked down at her. She was sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at the machine with a look of pure shock on her face. "What is it? What is wrong?"

She snapped her head towards me, opened her mouth as if to say something then closed it. "Were you with Hinata during any of her pregnancy doctor visits?"

I stared at her. What would that have to do with anything? "No, I always had something to do during those and she never wanted me there anyway. Said it was too embarrassing or something."

She swallowed and nodded her head. "Do you... Do you know what an ultrasound is?"

Ultrasound? "I have heard of it, don't know what it does though."

She took a deep breath. "Hinata, she never told you anything did she, about while she was pregnant?"

"Her stomach got big" I smiled, remembering how we would half lay on the couch, my hand on her stomach where Boruto and Himawari had been growing inside of her. "I could feel them kick and move. She never really said anything else about it. I just knew she was. I wasn't even allowed in the room when they were born. Hyuuga tradition."

"I see." She closed her eyes and gripped the machine in front of her. "Naruto... I..." She opened her eyes. She looked... Sad? She took a long, deep breath. "Look." She flipped the machine around on it's wheels until a small screen was visible, her hand pressed the thing on my stomach down a bit harder and I groaned at the movement.

But.

I stared at it. It... What... What was that?

I didn't understand. "What is this? What are you showing me?"

Her eyes seemed to look straight through me. "It doesn't make sense. Lady Akemi said that even during the initial transformation organs don't show until after a day. If... If you were with the Kazekage at just that moment this..." Her sadness left her face and the look was replaced with that of shock. "Naruto. I need to know. Did you sleep with him again? At least a day after you turned into a woman the first time?"

I stared at her. She knew. Sakura moved slightly and the image on the screen moved at the exact same moment. It felt like my heart was inside of my throat, my stomach ached. I couldn't breathe. I stared at the screen. This... This was in me? I nodded silently. "But... But I'm not a girl... I..."

I needed air. I pushed her away from me and escaped to the bathroom to release my bladder. She didn't make any move to stop me and allowed me my moment alone. After being able to relieve myself I stared at myself in the mirror.

The image was burned into my mind. It was monochrome, but what was there was unmistakable. Tiny. In me. It's little body, curled up inside of me, _life_.

I swallowed and began to wipe away the gel on my stomach. I had forgotten to grab my clothes in my haste to get away. So... That was why I looked like I was gaining weight. I was...

 _Pregnant._ How... I leaned on the sink and tried to focus on my breath.

What was I going to do?

What was Gaara going to do?

I studied my reflection. This... This was...

It was impossible. _How could this be possible?_

There was a light knock on the bathroom door. "Naruto, I am leaving your pants outside the door. When you're ready, I need to talk to you."

I stared at the door silently, wanting her to leave me alone. I wanted to deal with this for a while. Just let it sink in. It didn't feel real to me, but... It kind of explained a lot. Why I was throwing up constantly, why my stomach was getting fat in spite of not eating. But it was only the one time...

I guess they were right that it didn't matter how many times, but damn. I wasn't even naturally a girl. Just over three months... How much longer before...

No. I didn't want to think about that just yet. I took a breath. Might as well get my talk with Sakura over with. The faster I did that, the sooner she would leave. I cracked the door open to grab my clothes and quickly put them on.

That sedative was seriously a miracle.

I froze. Wait, would it be good for... My... I placed my hand on my abdomen, knowing that the fatty tissue there wasn't just me. It was weird. There was... A tiny person in there.

It kind of freaked me out.

I took another breath. I can do this I can do this I can do this. I opened the door slowly and came face to face with Sakura.

"Sit down Naruto."

I nodded. I wasn't ready to speak yet. Pregnant. I was pregnant. I walked over to the bed as the news continued to sink in.

"Naruto, we need to talk. I think I know why you are changing so fast."

Right into it huh? I looked at her, still unable to form words yet.

"Ok, so..." She took a deep breath, "I think that you are changing so quickly because of your situation. If you keep going on like this, you might die, Naruto."

I stared at her, a bit numb and I nodded slightly just to let her know I was listening.

"The baby is draining your chakra, draining Kurama's chakra. If you were anyone else, you might already be dead." She gripped at the cloth at her thighs. "I might be able to stop it. You could stay a man, maybe. You would be able to stay a shinobi, stay as the Hokage, keep your marriage. I've never seen anything like this, it is like your chakra network is being damaged. If you continue on, you might never be able to fight and-"

"Rambling. What are you saying." I had a knot in my stomach. I had a feeling that whatever she was trying to get at wouldn't be some simple solution.

"We need to remove it. It might stop your transformation. I don't think I will be able to reverse what has already been done but... Also," She looked away from me, "Gaara could be a trigger. You wouldn't be able to see him again. I've been thinking about solutions all night. I thought I could feel extra life yesterday, but I had to be certain."

"Remove it?" Was she suggesting that I...? I stared at her.

"Terminate it, yes." She refused to look at me. "It is your choice, of course. But if you choose to keep it... I will have to report this to the council. You're our Hokage, if you can't do your job then-"

"Yeah, I know." I tried to push down the anger that was trying to surface and rested my hand there, on my abdomen. _It._

"This isn't natural, Naruto, something like that shouldn't even be alive." She started to sound angry.

I tensed. _Monster. You should just die. Why would they let you live?_ I swallowed. "That sedative, is it harmful to it?"

She looked at me like I suddenly grew a second head. "No, but that shouldn't matter! Naruto, you need to think clearly. You are the Hokage. You have Hinata, the kids, the entire village to think about."

"I need to think. Let me think, ok?" I felt numb. She wasn't really giving me a choice. I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head. I would ask Tsunade. I wasn't sure if I could trust Sakura with her telling me if the sedative was safe or not. I had to think. "This isn't exactly an easy decision you know." I shot her a glare and she flinched at my look.

"I... Ok. You won't have long though. The changes, they are starting to show elsewhere. You might only have a week before you hit the point of no return, Naruto. I will need your decision by then, and we will see what needs to be done from there, ok?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say Sakura." I pushed past her, my shoulder knocking into hers, forcing her to grunt as I did. I really didn't care.

I felt numb. I needed air. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.

I needed...

I ran.

I ran until I was out of Konoha and into the forest. Alone. I was alone. I could feel nothing. I screamed into the open air once I was sure.

What the hell.

What the hell kind of choice was that?

Kill this tiny being, destroy it before it even had a chance to live? Because it was _unnatural_? Because I could die, because I was a man, because I was married, because of the village, because...

There were too many reasons. Too many reasons I should try. But it only gave me a maybe.

A **_MAYBE_**.

What the hell. Did she really expect me to allow her to murder it? I mean, I only just now knew about it, the _baby_ , _my_ baby.

It was in me. Living, it was alive.

 ** _Mine_**. I softly pressed my hand to where it grew inside of me.

 _Gaara's_.

How was that even a choice? Kill this tiny life and pretend nothing happened? Never see Gaara again? How was that even a choice?

Then, what kind of choice was giving everything else up? My village, my title, my family. Maybe my ability to be a ninja. Could I do that? Could I really give all that up? Just for this tiny thing that somehow managed to spark itself into existence?

I crumpled down onto my knees and gave another yell, as loud as I could, allowing my frustrations out. All my pain. My regrets. Everything. I screamed it out in the most primal way possible.

It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Even if I chose to keep this child, they would try to kill it anyway.

They would. I knew they would. If Sakura told them now, they would kill it. I was the Hokage, Gaara was the Kazekage. That alone would make this child a burden to the village. But it was more than that. We were both Jinchuuriki. We both had carried our demons. We both had come from major families. It would be too risky for them to allow it.

Bastards.

I rolled onto my back and stared up through the leaves. They were starting to fall. Soon, it would be October. Gaara would be coming. I kept my hand on my baby. Tiny. Defenseless. Innocent.It's life, it deserved that much, didn't it? And...

My baby wasn't just mine. It was Gaara's. Gaara's child. He had sparked it's life within me. I sighed at that thought. He _deserved_ this. What had I ever really done for him anyway? What had I really given up for him?

I had literally given my right arm to save Sasuke, so what would I give _him_?

This person that I knew I could not keep myself from. This person I loved.

**_Love._ **

Yes. I was sure of it. Even if it killed me, even if I lost everything, I knew my answer.

What would I give for Gaara?

_Everything else._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it is a bit short compared to my more recent chapters, but this felt like the right place to leave it, and I also got called into work (ACK!) So much for my undisturbed day of writing lol.
> 
> Anyway, I finally got to this chapter! You were all right, there is going to be a baby!
> 
> Yay!
> 
> I will try to get the next chapter out soon, I have been exited for this one so I wrote it as quick as I could since this particular scene had been fully in my head since I started writing this thing.
> 
> As always, I love reviews, and they always serve to inspire :D


	24. Everything Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note
> 
> Hi everyone! I meant to put this up a day ago, but ended up getting pretty sick. (Ugh) So unfortunately I needed to sleep for nearly a day before finishing the chapter, but hey, I have tomorrow off too! Or later today since I have no sense of time if one wanted to be technical... I had originally planned to have this all in the last chapter, but decided that it had been a good place to leave that one. Lots happening in this one. The mysterious benefactor revealed! Next chapter... Gaara! Anyway, thank you all for your reviews! Aka, the three of you, but hey, that is still three! I see I have some new followers, so you silent types out there reading this, I also appreciate you! As always, reviews always serve to inspire.

 

**Naruto**

I found myself standing outside Grandma Tsunade's door.  I had been standing there, staring down the wooden barrier for at least fifteen minutes.  As though it would open itself or answer all of life's questions for me. 

For instance, what was I going to do?  Who was the benefactor that ruined my life?  Or helped it.  Or just, hell I was just freaking confused.

Pregnant.  I was freaking pregnant.  I didn't want that old hag to know it either.  Not with my position at stake.  She had given me so much, entrusted the position to me, she...

And I was throwing it away.  She wouldn't be happy about that, I knew she wouldn't.  I had no idea what to say.  I wanted to know who had done this.  I wanted to know if that sedative was safe for my baby.  I wanted to scream at her for her part in all this.  I found that my hand had again settled on my stomach over where the baby was.  I wonder what it would be?  Would it be a boy?  I bet Gaara was cute as a baby.  As insane as he looked when I had first met him, he had still been a bit... Pretty.  Even then.

Why couldn't _he_ have turned into a freaking girl?  I mean, seriously.

I dropped my hand.  Deep breaths.  I can do this.  I raised it up and hovered it over the door. 

I stared at it for a while longer, in that position.  Was it really all that hard to knock?

The door opened and I stood frozen in place, wide eyed and my fist up near my shoulder ready to knock.

Grandma Tsunade glared at me from the door, her lips thin and her hand on her hip.  "I'm getting tired of you standing in front of my door, Uzumaki.  What the hell do you want?"

I swallowed.  _I'm pregnant, Sakura is going to try and kill my baby, I might die, Gaara likely hates me and I need to know who freaking is responsible for it all_.  "Who paid your debt to the land of fortune?"

"You don't know?" 

"If I knew I wouldn't ask, you old hag."  I glared at her.  She might not have been the one to decide on the whole wish thing, but I held her responsible for going through with it.

She stood back, giving an opening into her apartment.  "Maybe you should come in."

"Yeah, sure." I pushed past her, "Now you invite me in.  Practically threaten me with eyes of death and suddenly get all nice because I found out you screwed me over." 

"You have been staring at my door for the past twenty minutes, how in the hell was I supposed to know what you were doing exactly?"

I didn't answer and merely made my way to her couch and seated myself there with a groan. "Gotta admit though, you've got nice taste in furniture, Grandma." She did too, super soft, so very soft. I kind of wanted to take it to my apartment with me.

Grandma Tsunade sat down next to me, a look of concern on her face. She watched me in silence, then turned and poured herself a small glass of sake. "Would you like a glass?" She held it up to me.

I could really go for one of those, honestly. Everything that was happening to me, the thoughts that I would lose my family and village, my position as Hokage, the rising concern that I might not even live to see my baby grow up, and- what sort of mother could I even be? That last thought freaked me out even more than the others. It felt strange, wrong.

But it was what I would be, wasn't it?

I shook my head. "No thanks, I don't really drink much." It was true at least, I didn't have to try and hide the fact that I knew that it wasn't good to drink for _that_ particular reason. Even though it was one of those rare times I really could just go and drink myself into a stupor in order to forget everything. But no, fate had other ideas.

She took a sip of her sake and leaned back into the couch, crossing her legs as she did. "Well then, Uzumaki, what did you wish for then? I doubt you would have sought me out for that unless you wished for something. Don't you ever just want to visit without there being some reason behind it, I am pained." Her face looked bored as she talked, barely any flux to her voice.

Sure, she was pained. Probably more pained I visited in the first place. "Yeah right, like you want me around here anyway."

She sat down her sake. "Might be surprised." She gave me a sideways glance and her mouth twisted upwards. "Always one to avoid the important questions. You didn't answer me."

I shrugged. "Not really a wish I want to share." I stared up at her ceiling and leaned back fully. I was too tired. Too tired to hide what was going on, too tired to explain, just too tired.

She gave a small hum. "Made an idiotic wish, didn't you?"

I turned to glare at her. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but she didn't have to be so crude about it.

"I thought as much. I warned her about it, Naruto. But she insisted." She was frowning and she stared straight ahead at the wall.

She? "Who..." I had a sinking feeling. A she, a she who could convince Grandma Tsunade to go against her instincts. It didn't leave many options. This _she_ would one that would be close to me. I suddenly did not want to know the name. I knew. "Why would she?"

She brought her eyes back to me. "She wanted you to be happy. She was very persistent on it, claimed she did the research. That nobody deserved to be happy more than you." She picked her sake back up and refilled her glass. "Best decision I made, Uzumaki, stepping down from being Hokage. I never really wanted it in the first place. It was you." She pointed at me. "If it weren't for you, I would have stayed out there in the world drowning in misery." She gave a soft smile, "Thank you, for that. But I wonder if she was right in a way. You change everyone else, but you always have that shadow in your eyes. You do deserve happiness." She drank from her glass until it was empty then gave a quick release of air in satisfaction. "Why I went along with it. She seemed a bit desperate to make you happy though. Might want to ask her why if she hasn't confessed to you about it yet."

I frowned. "Well, I would actually have to see her for her to tell me anything." I shifted uncomfortably in the chair as I remembered how I had used her body for my own guilt. "I haven't seen her since a few days after I made the wish, and I didn't really give her a chance to talk then either." I looked away from Grandma Tsunade as I felt my face warm. Because I had wished to cheat on Hinata. That I wanted to continue to cheat on Hinata.

That I had come to realize that my feelings for Gaara were so much more, so very different from the love I felt for Hinata. I still loved her. I did. But it was the very thought of never seeing _him_ , not her- that made me feel like I would have an all out panic attack.

It broke my heart that I knew I would need to ask to leave her.

I wouldn't be a man anymore, I would be having a child with someone else, we hadn't been intimate, truly intimate in years. All three reasons would be enough to legally annul a Hyuuga marriage. Annulments took time though, it was a long process, longer than the approval process. It would be necessary. I would have to come clean about cheating on her, and face the wrath of my father in law. I shuddered. It was a long process even to get the man to even warm up to me, let alone...

I finally noticed that the old hag's eyes were on me, studying me. How long had I been just sitting there, thinking? "What?"

"You cheated on her." It was a statement. She wasn't asking, she could see right through me.  It was odd how she could do that.

I looked away from her. I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to say with who. I didn't want her to be... I didn't want to see her disappointment in me. I flinched when I felt her hand on my forearm.

"Naruto." She paused, and waited for me to look up at her. "Hinata knew there would be consequences that would come with your wish. I warned her that the wish could be anything, including the possibility of infidelity. She still insisted it was worth the chance at you being happy. You don't need to tell me who it was, I won't ask that, but you should speak with Hinata." She gave an understanding smile.

"Yeah, I know." My vision blurred as tears came, the wetness cooling my cheeks.  I moved my hands to my thighs and gripped the fabric of my pants tightly.  "She was supposed to be my person, I promised her my life, I promised."  I looked down at my hands, "It was a promise I can't keep.  I hate that.  I'm so messed up, everything is-"  I trailed off.  I whimpered as I fought to control my tears, my shoulders shook as my emotions began to take control.  It hadn't even been a day yet.  Not even a full day since I learned that I was pregnant, pregnant with Gaara's child.  Not even a full day since I made the decision that I would keep that child.  Not even a full day since I realized that I would have to leave Hinata, leave Konoha, leave my children and friends and-  I lost it, breaking down fully, moved my hands up to my chest in a self embrace and allowed myself to sob.

"Naruto, I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  She pulled me into her arms and I allowed her to hold me.

We stayed that way for quite a while until my tears dried, until a dull numb feeling took over.  I untangled myself from her.  She did not say a word as I moved towards the door and opened it.  Before leaving I paused there.  I had one more question.  I looked back towards her, refusing to meet her eyes.  "Promise you won't say anything, especially to Sakura?  I have one more question, but you must swear not to say a word."

"I promise you, Naruto, that anything said here will not leave this room."  Her voice was hoarse, tired.  Serious. She sounded like the age she hid behind her youthful looks.

I trusted her. I brought my hand up to the small lump under my shirt. The necklace. I was eternally grateful I had actually forgotten it at home before heading to Suna, otherwise it would have been ground into sand. I shivered at the memory of it, of being pinned, of sand against my skin, of-  "Is there a safe sedative pain killer for women who are pregnant?" I didn't want to remember that. The pain. The fear of what he was doing. That was not what I wanted, what I wanted was...

She stared a moment, surprise on her face.  "There is one, but only in small, infrequent doses." She stood and came up to me. She leaned forwards until her hand rested on the wall next to the door and I could feel the heat from her body. I tensed, my breath caught in my throat. "Naruto Uzumaki, you are aware of Hyuuga laws?"

I tightened my grip on the door. "I am aware." I tried speaking clearly, focusing on the words. I knew. I knew the moment I had decided there really wasn't an option other than keeping this child alive.

This child, this innocent child, my child.

She gave a deep sigh. "Do you have a place to stay yet?"

I let out a shaky breath. "Not yet." I dropped my hand from the knob, but stayed so that I wasn't looking at her. "There is a small apartment in the Hokage tower that I can stay in until I figure out a better arrangement."

"Have you considered-"

" _Yes_." I cut her off. She didn't need to say the words for me to know. "That isn't an option, you of all people should know me better than that."

"Every life is precious." She moved her hand away from the wall and backed away. "That sedative, what is it for?"

"Just aches and pains, _she_ is having some difficulty in the pregnancy." Replace the verb, replace the word, I will be a she. How long before I would start changing more? How long could I hide that I had not chosen to kill...

How could she have even _suggested_ that as an option? Sakura... She had put me in a horrible position.

"Come by tomorrow, I will have a few doses set up for you. One dose every four days. I will make sure that the doses are small enough not to put the baby in danger." She softly put her hand on my head and gave a small rub, messing up my hair more than usual. "If you need anything kid, remember I am here, hm?"

"Yeah, I will keep that in mind." With that, without looking back, I left out the small opening I had made in the door.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I went home from there, and was greeted only by silence. Himawari had started at the academy and had made enough friends that she was rarely home. Boruto was out on another assignment. He enjoyed training and missions as much as I had when I was that age. Different goals, but I was still mad proud of him. Yet, Hinata...

She wasn't there. She hadn't been for the three hours I had paced the floors. I really wasn't looking forward to when this sedative stuff wore off. I really hoped that Sakura hadn't intentionally given me too much. I could feel my blood boil with that. Sakura. One of my best friends, she was close enough to be my freaking SISTER, and she would have the freaking nerve to insist- to _insist_ \- that I allow her to kill my child. She didn't say it in so many words, but the threat was there. Go to the council. There would only be once decision they would allow for. The village was priority, not the life of an unborn child that didn't belong. If the third Hokage hadn't been around when I was a kid, I am sure they would have come up with a similar fate for me. I had heard it before, while I was growing up. _Why don't they just kill him? Too dangerous, what about the village? He isn't even natural, why even allow him outside?_ Then worse, when they stopped talking, when they ignored my very existence. I did everything I could to get them to notice me. Not allow them to see the pain they caused me. To just be _seen_. When she knew these things, when she knew that I had been looked at as a beast, when she knew my own need to exist, she would dare?

I swear, if I had the ability to use more of my chakra, I would destroy her. Gather up every ounce and toss a few rasengans at her, and a few exploding kunai for good measure. I smiled at that. Yes, that would teach her.

Like I would ever actually do that, but it was nice to fantasize. Then again, my fantasies lately had been coming true, so maybe I shouldn't be fantasizing about killing somebody I actually cared about no matter how mad I was. It wasn't the first time she pissed me off. No, she had a special knack for being able to do that. Like when she had the brilliant idea that telling me she was in love with me would keep me away from the battlefield. Oh yeah, that worked out well.

I softly poked at the puffiness in my abdomen. Baby. There was a tiny little life in there. The thought brought on butterflies in my stomach. I was still trying to believe that. The image on the screen, that tiny being that resembled human. I couldn't help but wonder how big it really was. Why hadn't I paid more attention when Hinata had been pregnant? What could I really expect? I spread my fingers across the area. It was weird. Everything was just too weird. I would be lying if I didn't admit to being just a bit scared by all this.

Pregnant.

 _My god, what was I going to do_?

I couldn't tell Hinata about it, she would tell Sakura. At least the pregnancy part. Hell, I was pretty sure she probably figured out about me being with Gaara by now. I swallowed. Nobody could know.

It was too dangerous. I couldn't take the chance. Not until it was too late for them to do anything about it. What would I tell Gaara? Could I tell him? I knew I had to.

Not yet though. I wouldn't do that to him. He freaked out after I had showed him what I had been working on. I couldn't just walk up to and be all- _Hey Gaara! Remember that time I made you have sex with me after you almost killed me? Well, I'm pregnant and you're gonna have to marry me now!_ Yeah, that would go well. My eyes widened and my heart raced. That would be the result of this. With my marriage going the route of an annulment and the laws I remembered reading about Suna, he wouldn't even have a choice in the matter.

A sense of dread filled me. I was about to do to him the one thing he likely couldn't forgive me for. His words, before my wish fully kicked in came back to me. _I will not force anyone to marry me, Naruto, no matter how lonely I get._

That's what I would be doing, if I told him. He would have to... I hugged myself as a stray sob came through. Damn, why couldn't I stop crying today?

Hormones. Isn't that what happened to pregnant people? Pregnant. It was still very hard to comprehend that. Me, pregnant. Me turning into a girl. Seriously? Was I really ok with all this? _No._ No I wasn't. I wasn't ready for this, I didn't want this, I didn't... I needed to find Hinata. What was she thinking? Didn't she know me well enough that I would end up wishing for something weird? Hell, I could have accidentally turned Konoha into a giant bowl of ramen. I had wished for that a few times in my life. Streets of ramen, rivers of broth, buildings made of meat and vegetables. Mmm, ramen.

I should go to Ichiraku.

Ramen sounded amazing right about now.

Ramen. I should order some delicious miso. Or maybe I should try something new? That would surprise them, wouldn't it? Yes, something new. Usher in a new life by doing something new. Sort of new. I love ramen.

I left my house and headed for my favorite shop. I needed some comfort food. It was one of the rare things that usually settled on my stomach, in small quantities anyway. My eating habits had even worried Ayame and Teuchi when I had only been ordering a single bowl at a time. How long could I actually hide my pregnancy from everyone? I was already showing, even though I hadn't realized what it had been until this morning. How big would I get? How fast would it happen? Hinata had gotten pretty round in both pregnancies, so if that happened to me, it would be entirely impossible to hide that.

Come on Naruto, stop thinking. Just get some freaking ramen.

After what felt like hours I arrived at Ichiraku and noticed that the guy from before was there. "Hey, it's you again! Umm, Tetsuo, right?"

The guy looked up at me and smiled wide. "Lord Hokage, you're back! Yeah, I'm Tetsuo, can't believe you remembered though. Wow, I am honored." He blushed and worked at grilling the meat of his previous order, two other people already had been sitting at the bar before I had come in. "Will it be miso again? Teuchi mentioned that it was a regular for you."

"Naw, I think I want something different. Why not? How about you pick something huh? Surprise me."

The guy stared at me a moment. "Really?" His brown eyes filled with unshed tears. "I won't disappoint you, Lord Hokage! I will do my best."

The man smiled wide, but had a very serious look in his eyes as he buried himself into his work. It was almost beautiful, the way he moved in his ministrations of the dough, kneading it, pulling it, stirring the broth. It was obvious that he had chosen the correct path for himself. Happy.

That is what happiness looked like. He seemed completely content at what he was doing, every move second nature, thoughtless but full of passion.

When had I lost that? Being a ninja, it was all I knew how to do, but...

Everything was changing. Technology, the missions were different and rarely were all that dangerous anymore. Peace. I had somehow managed to help achieve the impossible. I had achieved my dream of being Hokage. People waved to me as I passed by. They would smile.

Now what? The job wasn't all that grand, in fact most days I actually kind of hated it. I enjoyed helping people, I enjoyed protecting them. It was the reason why I continued on being a ninja after I really didn't _need_ to be Hokage anymore in order to be seen. It had just been a fulfillment of a promise to myself, another way to protect the ones who were precious to me. But being Hokage, I had made the entire village my family, my precious people. It left little room for anything else.

Tetsuo moved on from the noodles to the broth. He added various ingredients to it, grilling bits, adding it to the broth. He wasn't just serving a regular bowl of ramen. He was creating one. Just for me.

Why would he do that? Couldn't that jeopardize his training? I wanted to ask, but watched, mesmerized. I would defend his choice if the old man questioned it. Not that I really thought he would, he was too kind at heart. I hoped that it was amazing, this guy's ramen, he wouldn't dare antagonize him if it was amazing.

The other diners left, leaving me alone with the ramen apprentice as he cooked with his heart on his sleeve and I found myself jealous of the people he would be serving when he left to work at his own restaurant. He was talented, I could tell. The attention, the concentration, the way he worked the ingredients. He reminded me of Teuchi himself as he made ramen. There was a reason this place was the best in the world, I had never seen another with such passion until now. It was fitting that he would be working at an Ichiraku.

I was brought out of my trance when a hot bowl of ramen was slid towards me, an expectant look on the boy's face. How old was he anyway? He looked like... twenty? Maybe. It would be weird of me to ask. I picked up my chopsticks and broke them apart. I smiled at him before taking my first bite. Then my second. Third. Dang, he really was freaking good at this.

I found myself gulping down the bowl and saddened by the fact that it was gone. I looked up at him. "Wow, that was seriously amazing, what was it?"

He blushed again and rubbed his shoulder. "Well, I remembered Ayame complaining about you not having much of an appetite and that you might be hiding being sick so, I thought if I made a take on tonkotsu that was milder, with meats and vegetables that were cooked down and tender then it would settle better. Are you feeling ok?"

This time I felt my cheeks flush. "Yeah, I am." This boy who barely knew me cared enough to try and help me out. He was right though, the ramen wasn't setting like lead on my stomach, nor did I feel even remotely queasy. "Hey, I know it might be a lot to ask, but could you share that with Teuchi? I am gonna want more of that."

His eyes widened and he nodded. "I will, thank you."

I smiled at him then. Maybe I would be able to eat enough to keep myself somewhat healthy. I needed to actually keep things down, it was more important than ever that I did. I felt my smile falter. Baby. Pregnant. Secret.

Hinata.

I needed to find Hinata. I stood up then, leaving my money for the ramen as well as a generous tip for the amazing meal he had fixed for me. I gave him a wave, "Thanks for everything, Tetsuo! See you next time."

I headed for the academy. Hinata wasn't home. That left only a few places she would likely be. The Hyuuga estate, where she would be visiting my Father in law or her sister and our nephew. Her Father, her sister and _HER_ nephew. Could I really call them family after this? I hoped that she wasn't there. I wasn't sure I could face them after what I had done. Not when I knew that I wouldn't be married for too much longer, a year maybe. Not when I knew that they would hate me for hurting her. I _would_ be hurting her. She didn't deserve that. She loved me, loved me longer than I could even fathom. I had felt it, had felt it grow in her memories of our childhood. Every memory that warmth was stronger, that desire to be together. I wanted that for her. Wanted her to be happy. She had believed in me when nobody else did, even though I had been too stupid to have even noticed. Gave me a chance, never seen me as anything but who I was. Naruto Uzumaki. Idiot.

And yet she loved me.

And yet I was about to rip out her heart and hand it to her while it bled.

I really am an idiot. I should be happy. Why couldn't I be happy with her? It made no sense to me.

She could be visiting friends. Her old teammates. Sakura, which would seriously suck since I really wasn't in the mood to see her. Or... Shino. Shino would be at the academy at this time. She had been visiting that weirdo almost every day since Himawari had started going to his classes. Still amused me that he ended up being a teacher, I would never have thought he would be good at it when we were kids.

Then again, I never really thought much about the future when I was a kid beyond 'Be Hokage, get recognition, eat ramen'. Then, I added 'drag that bastard Sasuke back' into the equation. And for a brief moment, everything was 'save Gaara'. I would have tossed away everything else for that.

Maybe I should have figured all this out sooner. It seemed so obvious to me now. Now that I had admitted it to myself, allowed myself to even come to that conclusion. Gaara. How long had I loved him? I stood still as I pondered this question. I was almost at the academy. I hoped she was there. It would make everything easier. Harder. But easier.

But harder. I wasn't sure I was ready for the conversation that would follow. What in the hell would I even say to her? Would she already know what I would want to talk about? Would she know the full extent of what was about to happen?

When had my friendship with Gaara turned into this? When had he carved a spot out in my heart, when had I started to need him like the air that I breathed? I had been fine with what we had. I would see him every so often. He would visit. We would talk occasionally. He was alive, he was ok. It was enough. I thought it was enough. Now though...

Now I knew. I understood that weird desire to spend more time than necessary with him. Knew where he stood amongst my precious people. Knew what it felt like to be _with_ him. Damn, did I know. It was not even remotely comparable to being with Hinata. It felt so wrong to think that, but it was true. It had felt weird, the act itself was a bit fuzzy in my memory, but I remembered the insane emotions that had taken over my mind, I remembered how intense it was.

The way my name came from his lips...

It was different. It was always different with him. Could I really do this? Could I really jeopardize my friendship with him in order for a chance at something more? Would he be able to accept it, accept _me_?

I was thinking too much again. I needed to move forward. Go to the academy. Find Hinata. Shatter us, break up my family, destroy everything I had worked so hard for. Step one. I would figure out the rest later. I would need to.

Step. Keep moving, _I can do this_. I forced myself forwards. I can't do it. I can do it.

I can't.

I can.

I had to.

I found myself staring at Hinata as she animatedly spoke to Shino. He always looked so emotionless. Kinda like Gaara. Weirdo. Speak. I needed to speak.

I couldn't speak. I waved instead, not able to move air through my lips beyond breathing. Look up. _Look up_. Please don't make me call out. I wouldn't be able to.

After a moment of me just standing there waving at them like an idiot Shino looked up. Well, not the person I was after, but it worked. He pointed at me and Hinata followed the invisible line his finger had created. Her eyes widened. "Naruto?" She turned to Shino, "Give me a minute, Shino. I will come back."

I almost felt jealous at the way she touched his arm. Almost. I was almost glad for that. Maybe, after we were no longer married, she could...

But Shino? Really? He was pretty much a giant bug. Creepy. That was just too creepy. I shuddered at the thought of my wife being with the bug man and watched her come up to me. Ex wife. Soon to be ex wife.

How in the _hell_ was I going to do this?

She smiled at me, with her soft, far too understanding smile.

Damn her, why did she have to be so damned nice? So beautiful, so perfect? Too perfect, always too perfect.

"Naruto, what is it?" Her eyes looked concerned.

Speak. I needed to say something. I swallowed and took a breath. What to say? " _Why_?" I half choked on the word, the only one that I could get out.

Her face fell at that word. She knew. Thank goodness, she knew what I was asking. I wasn't sure I could manage more. My heart was breaking with every moment. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to run. I wanted to bury my head, forget everything. She didn't deserve this. We were meant to last. We were supposed to be forever. This wasn't supposed to happen. She turned to Shino. "It is going to be just a bit longer, excuse us, ok?"

He gave a silent nod to her while she grabbed me by my elbow and pulled me into the trees to the school's training grounds. There was nobody around. She must have known that we would be alone there. I looked at everything but her. It was here. The moment I had been dreading.

The moment we would end.

The moment I broke her heart.

I could do this, _breathe_.

"She told you then."

I nodded. Not ready, don't look at her.

"I see. Well then, I... Naruto, I..." I heard her inhale deeply, "I needed you to be happy. You haven't been happy."

"Why." Still, the only word I could muster. Numb. I didn't want to do this. _I've changed my mind, I can't do it, I just can't do this_. I begun to shake, my shoulders betrayed my emotion.

"Look at me."

I couldn't.

"Look at me." Her hand lifted my chin until I had no choice but to look at her.

I wanted to leave, but my legs betrayed me, as though they were made of cement, planted to the ground. There was no backing out of it now. It really was happening. No matter how much I had tried to convince myself that this had to happen, I wasn't ready. She was my wife, my _wife_.

Her eyes held a sadness I had seen more in the past few years, a look she carried when she thought I wasn't looking. I hated that look. "Naruto, I've been selfish."

Selfish? Hinata didn't have a selfish bone in her body. For a moment I forgot the reason why we were there and I went to defend her from herself. Her finger touched my lips before anything came out, stopping what I was about to say.

"You don't need to say anything, just let me explain, ok?"

I nodded, a nervous sort of dread come over me. I really wasn't ready for this. I wasn't.

She allowed her hands to drop down with a small hesitation. She looked away, then her eyes were set, a look of determination crossed her face. She looked back up to me. "I've known for a long time how unhappy you were. I could see it, I could see that you were drifting away from me. But I held on, held on tighter than I should have. Because I was selfish. I loved you. I thought I could make you love me, if there was enough time. All I needed was time. I thought that... I thought that..." She reached out and grasped at my hands then, weaving her fingers into my own, gripping them tightly. "I thought that if I let you believe that you loved me, it would really be true. That it would grow. That what you felt for me was more than it was. But it never was, I knew that. I knew that you couldn't tell the difference and I let you think that what you felt for me was a romantic love, because that is what I wanted more than anything. But I knew. Do you understand, Naruto? Do you understand what I am saying?" She spoke firmly, as though she had been practicing that speech for a long while.

I nodded. No, not entirely. What was she saying? Maybe. I was seriously confused.

She sighed. "You don't. Of course you wouldn't. You never had anything to compare it to, not really. It is why I was able to keep you for so long. I could have kept you, but every year, _every year_ you looked worse for wear, you were less of _you_ and you slowly left me anyway. I think I knew it was over when you sent your clone to my bed. Was I so terrible that you couldn't bear to be with me anymore?" She squeezed my hands to keep me from answering her, "I wondered this, and I knew. Your heart, it could never be mine. I knew. I knew since before we were actually married. I had fooled myself then, left it up to the idea that you were both what you were. A connection nobody else could have. But it was different. I knew that even more after we were married. The way you would smile, the way that you would talk about him. You would blush, just a little, if you were asked about him. I knew. I was completely convinced when I met Gaaruto. I was surprised by his existence, but, I knew for sure then. Yes, I was jealous, yes I didn't like when he came, or I knew you would be seeing him. That was because I knew that you loved him, but you hadn't recognized it. You loved him, the way that I loved you."

I felt sick. She knew? "Gaara."

Her eyes widened a moment and she nodded slowly. "Yes, Gaara. I couldn't bear it anymore Naruto. I couldn't keep you to myself anymore, I couldn't keep you from the truth. I know, if I didn't do anything you would stay. It is who you are. Keep your promises, protect those you care for. You would never have left me. You would have stayed with me and slowly, ever so slowly you would have lost your light. You wouldn't be the person that I fell in love with. Already, you have started to fade, and I couldn't bare it, Naruto." Squeeze. I was numb. She _knew_? Knew from then? Boruto was still a baby... All this time, all this time and... A tear fell from her eye. "I discovered this clan about two years ago, from the land of fortune, who had the ability to grant wishes, and help people find happiness. I had to try, I knew I had to try. I wanted to right what I had done, because I kept it to myself. It wasn't fair to you." More than ten years... More than ten years I was blind to all this... "I learned that Lady Tsunade had a connection to them a little over a year ago. I needed you to find your happiness. So I..." She pulled her hands back and looked away from me, her voice breaking then. "I was afraid to say it. I should have mentioned it sooner but..."

"Hi... Hinata?" Why did it feel as though it was my heart that was breaking and not hers? What had she done? What in the hell had she done?

"After I discovered the connection, I petitioned for the annulment. Naruto... We will only be married for a few more weeks. They insisted that it be on a new year, your birthday is... I'm so sorry Naruto." She sobbed into her hands, her shoulders shook as she did. "I intentionally mentioned Gaara the day that you were to meet her in hopes you would put him into your wish. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have. I..."

Annulment. She.. already? "My birthday?" That soon? I stared at her blankly as I worked at processing what all she had said. I picked out the important bits. She purposely set me up to think about Gaara. She knew I had loved him for years before I could even fathom that I had. She started the annulment process... A year ago? "Seriously Hinata? A _year_? When the hell were you going to tell me?" My world, everything, everything was different. No matter that I had just realized that I would have to end our marriage, she had already taken care of that. A freaking _YEAR_ ago. But she had lied to me. Kept it to herself, deceived me. "Why..." I took a step back. It felt as though my heart had shattered to a million pieces. So, it was my heart that would break after all.

I turned from her and ran.

"Naruto!" I heard her call to me, but I didn't stop.

I needed to get away from her.

It was over. It had already _been_ over. I was just too damn stupid to know it.


	25. Better Forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> Thank you for reviewing! I love to get them, and try to respond to them. Yay! Gaaruto was noticed! He is an original character, and I have been planting his existence since the beginning chapters. I love making characters and work hard on their histories and personalities, and I hope you have liked the few I have added into this, such as Junji, Hari and Tetsuo. And of course, the mysterious girl from Gaara's memory. Also, Sasuke will eventually show up, probably within the next five or so chapters, some chapters end up getting divided so I can't say exactly when, but he is on his way, so don't worry. :D
> 
> As always, please review, they help inspire!
> 
> (Also, I hope the second half of this chapter is suitable, didn't have much time before work to proof that part of it, so it was only a quick skim)

 

**Gaara**

I had finally done it. It had taken me two weeks to do it, but I had finally done it. Something that was beautiful. Sort of. It was more like acceptable and somewhat recognizable, but it was in fact, a thing. A real thing. It sat there in the sand as it dissolved away, standing proud and completely unbroken. Unlike the last several attempts at anything other than a blob or box or circle. This was a real, for honest thing, and I was going to take it. "Hari, look!" I was perhaps far too excited for my own good.

He came over to inspect it, picking the object carefully up from the sand. It had cooled fully, I had been extra careful this time and allowed a full two days for it to cool down. Two days of staring at the little gourd on my desk impatiently waiting to see if I had made yet another mistake in my attempts at making some sort of glass thing that I could give to Naruto when I went to Konoha in a week.

A week. It was getting closer. I had written him a letter a while ago, but I had not received a response from him. It was worrying me. He had completely fallen off the grid. Nobody had seen him, he had made no appearances on television and even Temari mentioned that Shikamaru had not mentioned much about him other than being troublesome. What in the hell was he doing that would keep him completely out of the news? More importantly, how in the hell was he feeling? He had been so ill when I had left. Had he gotten better? Worse? I desperately wanted to know. Even my Suna plants in Konoha couldn't give my any news on the matter.

In Shikamaru's words, it truly was troublesome. It made me antsy to leave. I just had to finish this first. This little glass token. It was a birthday gift, not much of one, but it was definitely a thing. Hari set the little thing down and smiled up at me. "Amazing, truly amazing. You are a real natural at this, so you know. Took me years to make something to this caliber. I mean, you still got a ways to go and all, but hey, so you got something already." He held it up to me. "Be careful with it. Glass is delicate, breaks easy, especially when they are like this. So, I can't wait until you return, if you want, that is, to continue?"

I took the little thing from him. I had been angry a few times when the things I had tried to make turned out into a broken mess, or had collapsed in the sand because I had jarred it too soon. It had been a long process, and I had put off a few meetings in order to accomplish my little project. Nobody complained though, most seemed decently surprised I had decided to try my hand at glassmaking. My meetings were moved to night when my sessions at Hari's glass studio were over and my paperwork usually waited until nightfall anyway. It was easier to complete without the noises of the office and city keeping me distracted from the things I needed to do.

"Hey, um, Gaara?" He looked a little perturbed at me.

I frowned. "Yes?"

"You didn't hear a word I just said, huh?" He sighed and headed out of his kiln room and into the main entrance of his glass studio.

I followed him silently. "I would like to continue."

He stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Yeah? That is great! Don't get a lot of friends to talk to these days, has been pretty grand having you about, yeah? Great having somebody to hobby with, nah?"

The way he talked irked me a little. He was gruff and blabbered on worse than either Kankuro or Naruto, but he filled in the silence with my lack of speech. Wait. Did he just call me a friend? "Friend?"

His eyes went wide. "Um, maybe. I mean, yeah, so if you want to be my friend. I don't want to assume or nothing. Would it be weird for the Kazekage to be friends with a lowly glassmaker?"

Weird. I smiled at the term. Naruto used that word a lot. "Not exactly, I do not think so. There are not many who would seek my company let alone refer to me as a friend." I looked down at the little figurine in my hands. Without Hari this wouldn't have been possible. He had been able to calm me with my failures, cheered me on with my successes. Perhaps then... "Friend? Yes, we can be friends. It is no more of an oddity than being friends with a hyperactive idiot from another village."

"The Hokage?"

I hummed in response. He hadn't been Hokage for a good number of years after me taking office myself. It felt like a lifetime ago. A lifetime since he smashed me in the head. A lifetime since he reached out into my state of death and helped bring me back. It was hard to believe that there had been more years between then and now than what my age had been at that time. Twenty years ago. Twenty long years of playing this odd game with him. Why couldn't Naruto simply have been a woman? It would have made my life so much easier. At least, it would have been a possible match then. I would have pursued him until he gave in to me. I would have been relentless.

But that was not my fate. This strange life I had been given never had that in the cards for me. Gambling term. Why did people gamble anyway? It seemed like such a waste.

Hari shifted in front of me uncomfortably. "Um, So, you will leave soon now? You mentioned you would leave after you were finished. That little thing should make him happy. You worked hard on it, yeah?"

I gave another hum, not really wanting to talk.

He seemed to understand and moved over to the counter. "Here, let me package it. You will still have to be careful but it should help protect it."

I walked over to the counter and handed him back my treasure. He worked his hands nimbly with the fragile glass, packaging my own heart into a small box. He handed the box to me with a small card. "It is nice to give a hand written card when you give a gift you made yourself. Adds to it, I think, yeah?"

I looked at the card. It was blank and very small. It couldn't possibly hold that many words, enough words to express what I wanted to convey to him. I would be gone when he opened it, I wanted to make sure that he could understand what I was giving him. I wanted to... What if he didn't recognize what I had made? What if the symbolism was too simple? What if it was my own mind playing tricks on me and this would actually be the worst gift imaginable?

"My experience tells me that gifts made from the heart convey more than the words written. It won't need much."

I stared at him blankly a moment. Had I been that easy to read?

"You had a worry line." He pointed between his brows, "I noticed you get them every time something doesn't go right. Otherwise I really have no idea what you are thinking." He gave a small laugh.

I pressed my finger to the spot between my brows. Or what would be my brows. He was right, there was a tiny crease there and I kept my finger there until I felt the skin there smooth. It would be unfortunate if anyone else had seen that. "I shall see you again in a few weeks time, Hari. Thank you, for this." I gave him a small nod and left without waiting for him to reply. It was draining, trying to make new friends. It was still something that I was not all that good at.

I quickly made it back to my tower to take care of my little treasure. I had only one more thing to do before we left. Kankuro would be mad at me. It was almost a week early to head out to Konoha, but I couldn't take it anymore. I had only been waiting until my sculpture had been presentable, and the demolition order was complete. One thing was complete, now the other had to be done.

I was dreading that one. It was terribly gratifying that I had chosen to do it of course. It needed to be done. I just dreaded having to take someone in there to approve the condemning of the building. Even I, the Kazekage of Suna, couldn't get the council to approve the order until I was able to get another person to sign off on that. I was sorely tempted to leave it. But it would destroy my plans. I needed a way to get into that cavern. Building something there, on a property that I had already owned and using the opportunity to hide a tunnel there was too tempting. Unfortunately, it meant having to take someone into the place. It meant I had to go back into that place, and that was something I had never intended to do again.

My old home. If it could even be called that.

Nobody other than me had entered that property after Yashamaru betrayed me. That left six years of complete crazy to be taken out on the place. I wasn't proud of it. It was probably disturbing to anyone other than myself. No.

Maybe even a little disturbing to myself at this point. Very disturbing, actually. I wasn't exactly the same blood obsessed kid I had once been anymore. It had been years since I had taken up Naruto's mantra of 'every life is precious'. No matter how much I had wanted to kill people, feel the grinding of their bones inside of my sand, feel the warmth of their...

That was a bad thought process. I was not that person anymore. It would disappoint him too much if I fell back into bad habits. My people would probably stop liking me and demand my resignation. Then what would I do with myself? _Fall back into that darkness I had clawed myself out of_ , that is where I would end up.

I really didn't want to share that darkness with anyone. They were giving me no choice though. It was too dangerous for me to take anyone from the council. Or the Anbu. Or anyone. It left me one option. Kankuro. He was going to be physically ill. I mean... I never claimed full sanity. I hadn't been back since I had moved to the center of Suna with Temari. They always wanted to help me move, but I had insisted that I brought nothing. There was a reason I refused to let them in there. It wasn't because I really didn't want any of my things.

It was because of what was in there. I had decided to try and do the whole 'family' thing after my fight with Naruto, and the bond had been shaky at best at the time. I knew if they had seen what was in there...

I knew they would never have asked me to stay with them. I was a certifiable sociopath. It was rather obvious if one toured my living quarters from the time. I had no defense of it besides the fact I loved the feel of blood, the bones that had been ground into sand, the tiny bits that were...

No. This was going to be hard. I swallowed. It was time. Time to expose that part of my life to the one person I felt most comfortable confiding in. It had only taken me twenty three years to actually get the guts to do it, or rather it was more of a 'I need this property and don't see any other way around it without getting into trouble for crushing the place myself'. The second of course, was far more appealing to me, but I desired the unrestricted freedom I had been given to frequently visit Konoha if I needed. Or wanted. Because I needed to fix things with Naruto. It was too important. If only I could do it without molesting him.

"So, you gonna just stand there looking at the house all day, or are you going to be coming in or something? You are kinda freaking me out there, little bro."

I blinked. How long had I been standing there? "I finished my token of apology that I will be giving Naruto for his birthday." I held up the tiny box so that he could see.

He glowered at me. "Um, that's great Gaara. That still doesn't answer my question of why you are hovering outside my window. You can be really creepy sometimes, you know that?"

I frowned. Well, if that creeped him out, what we were about to do would likely make him scream. I sighed. "I was thinking. I need to condemn my old house and they will not allow it to be demolished without another seal of approval. I hope you do not mind being that person."

He stepped back, his eyes widened. "You mean that creepy freaking place at the edge of Suna they housed you in before we dragged you home with us after the old man croaked?"

I nodded slowly. "Yes, is there a problem with this?" Yes, of course there is, it is a freaking death trap. I didn't need to tell him that though.

He laughed nervously. "No, of course not! What kind of a guy would I be if I didn't help out my own brother, with something that damn creepy. Seriously Gaara, I have never asked why you would never let us in there, but I figured there was a reason, why the hell now?"

I kept my face blank. "I desire its destruction. Excuse me a moment, I shall be back shortly."

"Huh?"

I walked past him, gathered my sand beneath my feet and rose up to my room at the top of the tower.

"Gaara, damn it, what the hell! Get your sandy ass back here!"

I ignored him. He deserved to be ignored sometimes. I entered my room through my window after unlocking it with the sand I had left inside for that purpose, and carefully made my way to my bookshelf. There was a nice, deep open shelf there that my little treasure box would snugly sit in until we left in the morning. Yes, I would leave in the morning. It was far too important for me to wait any longer. I needed to know Naruto was alright. After my companions rested. It annoyed me, the sleeping patterns of the people around me. It always felt inconvenient to get anything done. If it were up to me, I would leave the moment Kankuro approved the demolition and was able to overcome the shock of seeing what I had lived in during my early years.

I took a deep breath. I probably shouldn't keep him waiting too long. All he would do is get increasingly irate with me, and I was still on thin ground as far as how mad he had been with me. It likely wouldn't take too much to get him to stop speaking with me again. Not that the idea bothered me, it didn't, but I would still prefer he be around.

It simply made my life more convenient. That was the only reason why I needed him to keep speaking with me. I didn't need him to be around. I didn't.

 _Really_.

I stood in the window, and jumped. Freefall. It always felt oddly freeing. I opened my arms and allowed the wind flow around my body, the race my heart would give as the sensation of falling filled my senses. I am unsure why, but it had been a small thing I always did from high places when I could. When I was sure nobody would freak out about the Kazekage jumping off a high-rise. Once one had sent an entire village in a panic, one learned their lesson about pretending suicide.

Not like it would work anyway, I tried it once.

Like every other time, the sand came up to greet me, folding up around my body, slowing my descent to the ground. Who needed parachutes when I had such a lovely thing as self motivated sand? I landed softly on my feet, unscathed. I smiled my best smile to my brother. The tower was thirty six stories high. I loved that.

"That's still is creepy as hell Gaara, what if it didn't catch you someday?" Kankuro looked a bit concerned.

"It always does." I didn't see why he was so worried about it.

"You still shouldn't do it."

"I enjoy it." I studied his features to try and figure out what he might be thinking. I had no luck.

"Damn, whatever." He huffed and went to head inside. I blocked him with an instant wall of sand.

"We are heading there now."

"Seriously?" He groaned, "Don't you ever give anybody any kind of warning when you decide that things should be done? We aren't all here to serve and protect you, you know."

I stared at him. "But, that is your job, to serve and protect me." He was confusing me.

"I question that decision some days." He mumbled the statement, but I could still hear it.

"Do you?" My voice was softer than I had intended it to be, I frowned and I felt that little crease return between my brows. I closed my eyes and concentrated on removing it. Emotions were weakness, a weakness that could easily be turned against me.

He moved forwards and grabbed ahold of my shoulders. "Damn it Gaara, don't take everything I say so freaking serious ok? You are my little brother, always will be, and I really don't give a damn what you have done in the past. I will never leave you, I will always be here to protect you, as long as I can. I gave you my word of that when you had decided to go for the position, and I still stick by it."

I stared at him a moment and I swallowed. He looked so very serious while he said that. It had been years since he had taken that vow. He had proved his loyalty to me on many occasions, even thwarting a coup that would have ousted our family as the main Kazekage branch by a small group of the elder council and their supporters.

It never bothered me how much some of them hated me and thought me unfit to run Suna. I was used to their hatred. It bothered Kankuro and Temari much more than it ever would me. I tried to protect them from some of the hatred that was directed to me. Now, Kankuro would see more of the reason for that hatred. He had known I had a hair string temper before I reformed, but I wasn't sure if he really knew the full extent of it. It really wasn't something I had planned on sharing with him.

**_Ever._ **

****He really didn't need to know.

I took a deep breath, breaking my silent stare and turned away from him, headed in the direction that I had ventured a couple of weeks before. I really didn't want to talk on the way. I didn't want to admit that I was actually nervous about him seeing my old place. See what I had left in it. The way I had lived.

It would make anyone with the slightest bit of decency empty their stomachs.

I created a platform of sand to take us to our destination and I was grateful that he allowed the silence on the way there. The trip did not take long and I stood in front of the place, my heart lodged solidly in my stomach. I licked my lips, which never was really that great of an idea and retracted my tongue swiftly with a light wince. Nothing like licking hardened sand to make one think twice about wetting their lips.

I very much disliked pain. I think I had been eight when I first discovered the only place my sand didn't protect me from self inflicted harm was my mouth. I had bit my cheek.

I had then killed seven people that night for daring to exist while I had experienced such morbid pain.

It was not a great memory for me.

I took a deep breath and headed to the door, trying to ignore the fact my brother was following me. It was only a house. Everything would be fine.

"Gaara, you don't have to..." Kankuro trailed off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

I looked over my shoulder at him. I had to. For Naruto, I had to. "This place represents a darkness that haunts me. Every time I look in this direction I remember. Yashamaru, my past, what I used to be. The hatred I had felt for everyone in the village, how many times Father tried to have me killed." I turned back to the door, gathering the courage to go inside. It would be rank. "This place is a stain upon all of Suna. The history that this place represents holds ghosts that nobody here should ever have to remember." I reached my hand out, feeling for the sand just beyond the door. I had removed the handles, created locks that only I could use. I had made this place into as much as a fortress as I could. Nobody in, nobody out. Unless I desired them to. Which, it had never been the latter of the two options if I had chosen any. Pity to any who I had allowed the first.

I gathered enough, press it between the locks of my own creation, move aside the bars, the explosives and the solid bricks that blocked the entrance to what had once been my safe haven. My arm shook, just slightly as I lowered it down. It was open. This place that I had barricaded myself into for so long, keeping out everything, it was open. I forced myself forwards. Back then, there were no people to watch me enter. Back then, the entire block had been abandoned, afraid that anyone who lived close enough to me would likely die. It was likely true, and I had enjoyed the quiet that it had afforded me. I flicked my wrist and the door swung open. Dust came up and I used my sand to force it to settle. Sand, it covered almost everything inside this place. It was too dangerous not to have enough to easily maneuver in any possible area.

I had too many assassins that had come for my life. Too many Anbu. I needed to protect myself, kill for my existence if they dared come for me in my home. Just stepping through the door, I could feel that paranoia return. Kill or be killed. Love only myself. Survive. I needed to exist. Why did they always come for me? Why always-

There was a warmth on my shoulder and I realized that it was a hand. Kankuro's hand. I wasn't alone. He would protect me.

I still found it hard to believe that he would. It was always hard for me to believe, the extent that my people would go just to protect me, prove that I was cared for. It was hard to fathom, it was overwhelming. "Gaara."

I looked over to him and nodded. "Do what you must so that you can confirm the order of demolition." My throat was dry, but I was grateful for his company. This place, it brought back too many painful memories. There, in that far corner there used to be a couch. Yashamaru would read me stories there. Later, I would force my guests to sit there while I readied my guest room for their brief occupancy. At least, until one got a bit too feisty and impatient and I had accidentally destroyed it. That couch now laid in a million tiny pieces amongst the sand throughout the house. I stared at that spot for a moment as I tried to remember their faces.

Any of their faces. I couldn't. They were bodies. Blood, bone, skin and muscle. I had never seen them as nothing else. They were special to me, back then. The chosen few that I would bring home with me.

My stomach twisted at the memory.

I really didn't want him to know. The things that I had done. It was beyond anything he had ever witnessed before. Beyond what he would ever be comfortable with, not that he was all that comfortable with the things he had known I had done.

Monster. I had worked at proving that back then. If that was what they had wanted me to be, then so be it. They should have been grateful to me for fulfilling their wish. I folded my arms in front of my chest as I turned to Kankuro as he slowly moved through the sand. The kitchen was decrepit at best. It had rarely been used when I had lived here. At least, for what kitchens were actually intended to be used for. I was glad for the fact that I tended to destroy all of my victims, leaving only the stench of blood drenched sand behind. The smell looked to be doing a number on my brother. I was a bit used to it, the sand that I still covered myself with always smelled of old blood.

Just not as much as it used to.

I was better now.

"Damn Gaara, this place it freaking nasty. How could you have lived here?"

"I liked the smell of blood."

His face twisted a bit when I said that. "Do you have to sound so calm about that?"

I shrugged. "It would be pointless to deny the things I have done."

He turned from me and moved through the remaining rooms downstairs. The bathroom, the closet and the den. Nothing too significant there. He turned to the stairs.

I grabbed his arm. "Kankuro."

He looked back at me. "Yeah?"

"I... I am sorry. For what you will see. I never had intended you to come here."

"What the hell is up there that has _you_ spooked?"

My guest room. My personal bath. There was a reason this place needed to be destroyed. Buried into the sand. Removed from Suna history.

He climbed the stairs.

I dropped my hands from my chest and gripped the railing tightly as I followed him. Maybe I could just end this. Was it really all that important to destroy this place? I could surely find another place to build a way into the cavern, maybe force a family out of one of the houses near this one...

That wouldn't be remotely suspicious at all.

We were upstairs. I worked at not hyperventilating. Control it, breath. Don't panic. This was my brother, surely he wouldn't judge me. Surely he wouldn't start the assassination program back up for the things that I had done in this place. People knew about my public displays of murder. They way that I had killed enemies, the way that I had ruthlessly destroyed a countless number of lives in self validation.

This. This was my own little secret. Because I had been bored. Because I needed to hear them scream. Because I needed them to beg me to end their pathetic lives. Slowly.

They were my guests, after all, how polite would it be to just kill them the moment I had invited them into my home? My entire body shook. Kankuro entered my room. The easy one. He would end this trip in the worst of places. I didn't want him to see. Why did I have to do this?

Why in the _hell_ had I decided I needed to do this?

I watched in horror as he moved away from my room. The only normal place in this entire house. He moved to the guest bedroom. The one that had the attached bathroom.

I stayed glued to the floor. I knew what he would see.

I knew what he would think.

He would know exactly what sort of monster I had been.

I heard a banging noise and then I seen Kankuro emerge from the room. He fell to his knees, bent over and then emptied the contents of his stomach. He trembled, his face twisted in a horrified expression. He had seen. He knew. He _knew_.

"We should go." I wanted out of there. I needed to be out of there.

"What..." He looked up at me, his anger and disgust clearly visible. "What in the hell. What in the fucking god damned hell is in that room, Gaara?" His eyes condemned me. He would hate me.

I should have left it be.

I should have found another way.

What in the hell was I thinking?

"I..." I was losing breath. I needed something to focus on. Panic. Again, I was panicking, I hated that feeling. I pulled at my collar. Air. I needed air. Sand. Window.

The room was filled with the sound of shattering glass and I hurled myself towards the edge of the window and leaned out, gulping down the fresh air.

Focus.

This was Kankuro. It will be fine.

He will hate me. Like everyone else. No. Warmth around my waist, from behind. Arms enveloping me. Kankuro?

"Why?"

"Come with me."

I stiffened in his arms and struggled against him. "NO."

"I need to know what this is."

"Don't make me go in there, Kankuro, I don't want to remember, please, damn it, let me go!" I grabbed him with the sand around our feet, forcing him away from me. Safe. Safe from that room. From the memory of the things I had done.

This wasn't like the killings outside. Not the quick satisfying playthings I satisfied my bloodlust with. This was something else entirely. Something beyond the horror I had forced upon my family. Beyond the things I had remembered from the alley when I had first thought of this stupid idea.

This, _this_ was outright madness.

"Gaara."

"I won't. It needs to go away. Be destroyed, please let me bury that. Let me forget. I need to forget."

The impossible happened. His eyes softened and he sighed. "Gaara. Before it is destroyed, every room must have a dual inspection. You know this. I can't sign off on it until you freaking go in there."

"You could lie about it." I knew he couldn't. Knowing those bastards in the council they would subject him to questioning just to make sure he had done it. I forced my feet forwards.

The guest room.

I had grown to hate that room after I had moved in with my siblings. When I learned how to care.

Those people deserved more. Those people were the ones I regretted. People. They were people. I had not looked at them as such when I had them there. I inched my way in. The sights, the smells. There was no escaping what once was my twisted reality. I had left bones scattered through the room. Tools of various design were hung on the wall next to the bed, where there were barbed chains mixed into the sand that covered it. The brown stains that were saturated everywhere, revealing how many times that I had bled people out inside this room. Tortured them. Removed their limbs, played with their insides until they begged me for their own death. Filled the tub with their blood and bathed in it as they watched me, a silent scream etched onto their face as their life drained away into my sand that was the shell of my body, and that was only when I had showed them enough mercy to allow them to die.

This room.

I hated this room.

I had deserved every moment that had led to my death. It had really been a fitting end to me.

I was pulled away from it and I whimpered as I was. I felt air, fresh air. I was outside. But all I could do was remember. The screams. The slow torture that I could only achieve by using a combination of tools and sand. Those screams that I had craved so much back then. It had amused me. It was like it had been nothing.

I had treated them like vermin.

 _Monster_.

I was a damned monster.

My body was shaking. No... I was being shaken by someone. A person. I breathed in the air that did not hold stagnant old blood and worked at forcing those memories from my mind. I vaguely processed that my name was being called.

Breathe.

"Gaara!" Kankuro.

I opened my eyes, only just then realizing that I had them shut as tightly as I could manage. I gasped for breath as my senses returned. "I... Kankuro I..."

"That isn't you anymore. Gaara, that was a lifetime ago."

But I had done it. I was capable of it. I remembered it. "I brought them home... I kept them there for weeks sometimes, until they were no longer useable. I don't... I don't even know who they were. I don't remember why they made me so angry, I..." Rambling. I was rambling.

Another shake, then a deep embrace. Kankuro... He... He did not hate me? I tentatively brought my arms around him. A hug. I gripped onto him tightly. This hug was different from the one Naruto had given me. It was needy, supportive and caring. "Hey, I'm here, ok? I told you, I'm not going anywhere," there was a small rumble in his chest that I could feel, "no matter how many bodies you have hidden in your closet."

I shoved him away from me. "I despise you." His statement crashed me back into the present and I recalled how brash my brother tended to be.

He laughed heavily, "Bad timing for that one, sorry. I couldn't help myself. Yours are a bit more literal with that phrase than the average person."

"If I didn't need your consent on the demolition order I would kill you for that." I straightened my back as much as I could while I worked at regaining my composure. I took a deep breath through my nose, my eyes closed as I drew it in. This place. It would be gone soon.

I wondered if I could actually wash away the things that had happened within it just by destroying it.

Maybe not.

It wouldn't stop me from trying. Forbid if Shinki ever found out about this place. I shuddered. It was best for it to be destroyed. All respect for me would be gone. I looked back to Kankuro, who was looking at the house with a look of hatred. He turned to me after he noticed that I was watching him and he smiled. "Let's go get that order signed, huh?"

I bent my head down into a small nod and turned from the place, gathering sand once more under our feet and I raised us up above the house. Before I left, I quickly built a wall over the hole in the window. It would not be good if anyone suddenly gained an interest in the place and went exploring. "Do you think they would allow me to destroy it myself when I return? I could grind it down, bury what is within those walls. Carry it outside the city before I do so it wouldn't be witnessed."

"Yeah, I think that would be for the best. They know you have a sketchy past, I am sure they won't question that request."

I kept my eyes forward. "I hope you are correct." I paused, allowing the cooling air around us settle my nerves. I looked up to the sky as the sun lowered into the edges of the cliffs around Suna. I always found that sight rather beautiful. When the sun disappeared beyond the cliffs, there was about five minutes the sky would hold an array of brilliant colors before fading away into darkness. I decided that I would watch that today. "Thank you."

"You shouldn't. It wasn't me that dragged you out of that. Temari likes to think that she did, but I know better than that." His voice was low, monotonous. Sad?

I brought us to a halt over the city. I turned to him. "You are sad?" I tilted my head at him as I pondered why he would have that emotion. I had expected anger, disgust and hatred. Instead there was just the initial disgust, then... Sadness? I didn't understand.

He followed my own line of sight from earlier towards the setting sun. "You can call it that, yeah." He sunk down in the sand and sat down.

When he did not elaborate, I pushed him for an answer. "Why?" I crossed my arms and sat down next to him, pushing us forwards towards my tower once more.

"Because I don't get it. You. I don't fully get it. I mean, I can see why you snapped, who wouldn't after what Father did to you, but... I won't ever be able to really connect that way. If we hadn't gone there, if we weren't hired out as weapons to destroy Konoha..."

"I would have been dead." I felt a little surprised that he shared that worry of mine. "I have thought of what my life may have been if I had not met _him_."

"I hate that I know that we would never have been enough for it. I owe him for that too, saving you. All of Suna owes him. I just didn't realize before how far down the rabbit hole you had fallen." He looked over to me. "That place, it is just a shadow of a madness that was forced on you. We are all guilty for what had happened in there. That burden shouldn't just be yours to carry."

I stared at him as we neared the tower. I brought us up to my room there, not ready to leave him. Odd, how I could feel so lonely around so many people that always fawned over me. "Could you sleep in my room tonight?"

"What, so you can stare at me all night while I sleep?"

I glared at him. He was probably not that far off, but I still disliked being called out on it.

He raised his hands as I opened the window and deposited us into the room. "What? It is usually what you do. Didn't say I wouldn't, calm the hell down."

I gathered my sand back into a large gourd and sat it in the corner of my room. I didn't carry it around with me anymore, the larger gourd, but I still kept it for things like travel. It was almost like an old security blanket that I couldn't bear to fully part with. "We will be leaving in the morning."

"I figured, after the demolition order is signed, right?"

I nodded and found myself staring at the tiny box that held my small treasure for Naruto. That moment he had saved me...

"What did you make anyway?"

I moved my eyes to him. "A memory."

"A memory huh?" He flopped down into the bed I only kept for when he or Shinki would sleep in my room, his hands behind his head.

I gave a small hum. He shared the moment that had mattered most to him in a carving. Now I would share the one that mattered most to me.

It was why I couldn't be there when he opened it.

Just in case.

In case he did not share that sentiment.

In case I lost control of my emotions.

So, I would leave him with my memory, my heart, my thoughts.

And hope that alone would help fix things between us, after all, our friendship was far too important to be taken lightly.

"Night, Gaara. Wake me up early, kay?"

I hummed, switched off the light and sat in my chair, settling into my odd routine of watching my brother sleep.


	26. Hiding the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another chapter! It might be a few more days before the next one, I have to work for the next four days. Alas, the need for money...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. It is a little bit jumpy, but there was some major things that happened and I didn't want to spend another three chapters going over them in major detail so...
> 
> Tada! And of course, more hints at what Gaaruto is, hehehe.
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire!

 

**Naruto**

I was on day six since Sakura gave me my ultimatum.  A week.  She had given me a week to decide to kill my baby, or have them decide to do it for me.

Neither was an option I could choose.  Which left me exactly one day to figure out how in the hell I was going to pull off the deception of the century.  Ever since I had found out I was pregnant and turning entirely into a girl, which in itself was so freaky I couldn't even try to comprehend it, my body was changing.  I had shrunk about another inch, and my freaking chest started hurting.  It was getting soft on me.  All my hard work to maintain a figure and here I was starting to get boobs.  If I was going to grow them, I seriously hoped they were going to at least get big enough to be worth it.  I mean, how in the world would Gaara ever see me as sexy if I didn't have a descent set?

Also, right on cue, four days after Sakura gave me my initial dose of painkiller, the pain kicked back in fully.  I was very thankful for the sedative supply that grandma Tsunade had given me, though she didn't speak a word to me when I went to retrieve it.  It had been awkward, she still didn't seem too happy that I had knocked up some girl.

She didn't know that I was that girl, and that I was probably going to be creating some crazy international incident considering that the father was the Kazekage, and it would be his first born natural child.

 _Natural_.  Well, that was kind of a stretch.  It was a small miracle this baby even existed in the first place, and I would do everything in my power to keep that existence going.

Even if it meant lying to everyone I knew.  It simply wasn't safe any other way.  I had made my way back to my little room in the library where I had unfortunately destroyed my bookshelf carving.  I had a new slab of wood there now, with the intention of once again carving it.

I was pretty mad at myself for destroying it in a fit of crazy in the first place. I had just been a little hormonal at the time.  I smiled at that.  It was weird, but it was kind of a fun excuse to use for the things I did that had no real explanation.  Like explode months worth of work because Gaara ran away.  Hadn't I done the exact same thing to him a couple of months before?  Yes.  Yes I had.  I would like to use that excuse for my actions then, but I would have been, what?  A day or two along at that point?

Pregnant...

Well, that was a word I had never thought would be used to describe me.  I picked up my carving tools and started scraping away at the wood there.  Recess the edges, leave the center for the image.

Scrape, scrape, smooth and scrape.  This place was a bit of an odd area and I hadn't told too many people about it yet.  I thought my work was embarrassing, and not a lot of people remembered Genno with as much fondness as I did, so my reasons for reviving this district had been tossed off as some simple project for bettering Konoha.

They didn't know I had any other connection, nor did they know anything about the library.  It would be the perfect place to hide.  But how could I hide?

Scrape.

I couldn't just stop showing up for work, and if Sakura didn't see me soon, she would tell everyone I was sick, there would be search parties and they would find me much quicker than I could afford.

Scrape.

Not to mention that if the Hokage suddenly disappeared it would send the entire village into a complete panic.

Scrape- _Shit_.

Blood dripped down onto the wood beneath me and I dropped the carving knife I was using.  Well damn. 

Shit hell freaking damn, that was a lot of freaking blood.  _Panic_.  My heart raced as I bounced as I pressed the bandages on my right hand into the gash I had created on the left.  _Stop bleeding, Damn it!_

I couldn't just walk into the hospital like this, it would be obvious there was something very off with me.  And Sakura would see me.  And she would kill...

Like hell _that_ was going to happen.  _Come on Naruto, think!_   How could I have been so stupid?  All of my spare chakra was being leeched into my abdomen, where there was something growing there that needed it a hell of a lot more than I did.

So let's stab ourselves with a freaking carving knife.  _Damn_ it!

I dropped to the floor and sat with my legs crossed as I calmed myself. "Breathe Naruto, can't let yourself bleed out, you won't just be killing yourself anymore, now will you?" Think. I needed...

I needed to...

I needed another hand or two that was better at first aid than I was. My eyes widened. Well. There was him. Why hadn't I thought of talking to him sooner? He was a voice of reason, maybe he would have some clue on what I could do to help my situation.

And stop me from bleeding to death.

That was probably the most important thing at the moment. The whole 'not dying' thing. I took a deep breath. Concentrate. I brought my hands in front of my chest, crossing my fingers. On the bright side, with the painkillers I was on, my hand didn't really hurt...

Focus.

I moved my hands, forcing them into the hand signs that would wield the results I needed, pushing through as much chakra I could muster and....

 ** _Pompf_**! I sighed relief at the sound of a conjured clone. Thank goodness. My sight began to blur and I fell back. Too much chakra... "Dang it." The world faded away and darkness surrounded me.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I was comfortable. Covered. Warm. Where was I? I wearily opened my eyes and found myself staring up at the ceiling of the library. I sat up and noticed that I was laying on a small cot with a blanket. I didn't have any of that in here. Where did it come from?

"I see you are awake now." I froze at the voice. Soft, deep and oddly kind. "Might I ask what you were thinking using the last of your chakra to bring me here when you could simply have gone to the hospital like any sane human being would have done?"

I looked over to the man who was speaking to me and felt tears in my eyes. It had been a while since I had brought him out. I couldn't bear it. It simply hurt too much, hurt too much to see him, hear him. "Neji..."

"I should have just left you on the floor to bleed to death. Unfortunately for me I have no idea if I would die along with you so I figured it best to save you. You should be very grateful for that." He came up and knelt down in front of me. "Had to summon a clone of yours in order to get me the supplies I needed. I can't personally walk around town without people freaking out. I am dead you know." He narrowed his eyes, "Any ideas why everyone seemed so surprised to see you running around, Naruto?"

I swallowed as I stared into the eyes that were so much like Hinata's. "I still can't get over how much you sound like him, sorry."

He sighed. "I sound the same as I did when you made me, why wouldn't I sound this way? It is how you remembered the voice." He picked up my hand to inspect it. "Were you actually trying to kill yourself this time?"

"No. I slipped." I pointed over at the bloody carving that I had been working on.

His eyes followed where I had pointed. "I thought you gave up on that, you were terrible at it."

I looked away from him and decided not to answer. He was going to kill me once he found out how much trouble I had actually gotten myself into.

"Well, even without your ridiculous ability to heal, your wound is hardly fatal. I was successfully able to stop the bleeding." He paused as he set my hand back down. "I want you to know that I am quite angry with you, Naruto Uzumaki. You left me to rot, and not only did you leave me to rot, you put _that_ in with me. Of all the insane things to do. Do you know what I have been through, sitting in that little room in your head, dealing with that insane, irritating, stubborn, vile and filthy _being_? What had you been thinking?"

I glared at him. Dang. It wasn't even like he was real or anything. He should just be freaking happy he even existed. "Why in the world do I even miss you? You are such a jerk, Neji."

He smiled. "You made me this way, do not complain to me for the way that I act. At least I am far more reasonable than that idiot you forced me to room with."

I groaned. "Don't remind me. I had to do it Neji, he escaped once."

"How precisely was that my problem to solve?"

"Because you are smarter than me, and I knew you would keep him where he was supposed to be. In my subconscious, and definitely not out in the world trying to bed my wife." I snorted. "Oh hell with it, maybe I should let him out to bed my wife. Not like she is going to be for much longer."

"What do you mean? You are having problems with my cousin?"

"You can say that, yeah." I sat up in the bed and swung my legs over the side. "Tricked me into doing something stupid. She filed for an annulment a year before she told me, though she told me the day I was going to ask for the same thing." I gripped the side of the cot. "Is it weird that I am kind of relieved about that?"

He moved up and sat next to me. He looked forwards to the carving that I had been working on. "You taught me that destinies can change. Perhaps that is what is going on with you, maybe you wanted to have a different destiny? As I recall, through your eyes in your memory of me, isn't that what I had chosen to do? I chose to give my life for you and Hinata as a way to carve my own destiny."

I studied him a moment. He was nothing but a memory, but it was remarkable how much he acted like him. How I thought Neji would have acted anyway. I took a deep breath. I needed to share my secret with someone. Why not share it with one of my other secrets? "Look at me Neji, really freaking look at me."

He turned his head to me with an odd look on his face. "Don't get me wrong, Naruto, but you do know that I am just a clone made out of your memories of the person that I look and sound like, and not actually Neji? I cannot use that ability." His face was serious.

I laughed at him. "I know, you idiot, I mean, use your damn eyes. It is pretty obvious at this point. What do you see when you look at me?"

"An idiot." He paused, then sighed, "Alright, fine." His eyes narrowed and they traveled around as he took me in. He groaned, "I haven't been out in over ten years, I don't know what you want me to see."

"I'm shrinking, my stomach is getting a bit bigger and my chest is puffy."

He pressed a hand to my chest and I hissed in response. "I see." He retracted his hand and folded it with his other in his lap. "You wish to confide in me. Otherwise, you would have just used a regular clone to help you with your wound, and not me. Not that I am complaining about being able to move around, but you usually don't want me reminding you of the precious person that you had lost."

"Yeah, you got me there." I flashed him a smile. After a moment I let it fall. "I screwed up, Neji, I need your help."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

He stared at me for at least ten minutes after I finished telling him everything -almost everything- that had happened. I had conveniently left out the father and I was happy that he hadn't said a word while I was telling him everything, but I didn't think that he would be quiet for so long. "Come on, say something!" I paced in front of him. I needed something. Anything. Answers, ideas, anything.

"It is entirely impractical to hide. It would be suicide."

I glared at him. "Only until I know it is safe to tell the truth about it, if I let myself die, we both will. You and that idiot probably will too, and maybe Kurama, but I wouldn't let him know about that."

"I bet he already knows. His chakra is being directed to the child, is it not? How could he not notice why?"

I stared at him. "Well, I guess." I never really thought about that.

"You know that I am correct on that matter, but that isn't the issue we need to address. If you are correct, you have less than a day before you lose the choice about keeping your child." His face twisted, "This is hardly a conversation I thought I would ever have to have with you."

"Never thought it would be either." I flopped back down onto the cot.

"I think the solution will be quite simple. It will exhaust you, but... I think it would work." His voice was quiet, almost as though he didn't want to say.

"What is it?"

"Make another like myself. I know you don't have much chakra to work with, so it will take everything you have to do it, but..." He took a deep breath, "If you can pull it off, it will be the easiest way to both keep up appearances as well as keep your real self hidden."

I stared at him. He couldn't be serious. "Neji, do you know how much energy it takes to make a permanent clone? I've barely been able to do a basic clone every day, I would have to try and save up some chakra and then I'm still not sure that I would be able to-"

"Use some of mine. It will take more to kill me than a little loss of chakra. When you have the kid, which I don't even want to fathom _how_ you will, then you can give me some back. I am not about to die just because you decided to have a baby."

"You think it will work then?" My hand made its way to my stomach and rested there. "Do you think we can keep it safe?"

"Yes." His eyes focused on where my hand was resting. "Before we continue, I desire to know who the father is. Do I know him?"

I nodded. "Yes, you know him."

"Is he from Konoha?"

I shook my head no and he narrowed his eyes. He knew my memories well enough to figure it out. "You wouldn't have. It is political suicide, Naruto, you don't think they will just allow the child to be raised here do you?"

Tears began to blur my vision. "No, I am sure they wouldn't allow it."

"What are you planning to do then? After you hide, after you protect the child, after your secret is revealed, what are you planning on?"

"I don't know, Neji. I don't know." My cheeks felt wet and I gripped at my stomach tighter. "I just need to get to that point. I don't care what happens then, I don't really care."

He sighed. "I will help you. If you need anything at all, I will help you."

I nodded, unable to respond. He might not be a real person, but if felt good to have a body that would at least try to help with this. "Neji, help me figure out what memories he will have."

"Alright."

And we went to work.

o.o.o.o.o.o.oo.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I woke up on the cot once again completely alone and exhausted. I almost thought that my visit with Neji and the creation of a new permanent clone was just in my head, but then I wouldn't be able to explain away the cot that sat in the middle of the tiny room in the library. Well, my room now. I couldn't even go back to the Hokage tower and my room there. That meant I only had six doses of medicine on me. I was somewhat happy that I had decided to bring some of my supply here because I knew I would be spending so much time in this place.

I hadn't realized _how_ much time I would be spending in this place, but still. At least there was a cot in there. And a bathroom at the back of the library. I froze in place. I couldn't just be waltzing around as if I were still me, someone was bound to notice that their Hokage was wandering around town looking sicker than the one that was in office at the moment. Eventually, somebody would get suspicious. I got out of bed and noticed a small package on the slab of wood that I had been carving. What was that?

I approached it slowly, just in case someone had found me out and left some kind of trap. I knew I was being a bit paranoid, but I had more than just me to think about now. I noticed a small note next to the package and picked it up to read. It had elegant lettering in cursive. Neji. So he stayed around a while after I had passed out then.

_Naruto,_

_I know you wouldn't have thought about a disguise, so I picked up some special makeup and clothing to help you blend in with the help of a henge. I would suggest keeping to a female disguise, it should be easier on you as you change. Call me out if you are in need._

_Neji_

I set down the note and picked up what he had picked me up and cringed when I opened the package. Inside there was the necessary filler I needed to use to fill in my facial marks, which I had specially formulated for me some time after the war. It had been rather annoying to be followed constantly and every once in a while, a guy just had to get away and have some alone time. _Guy_. Heh, right, how ironic was that?

That isn't what had made me cringe though. It was what else that bastard had decided to buy for me. There was some random makeup, which I had no idea how to even use properly, and clothes.

As in dresses. Bastard. Like I was even a girl yet. Couldn't I just henge a dress? How freaking weird.

I sighed. Probably not. It would be everything I could do just to change my hair. Easier. He was right. The less I had to change, the less chakra I would need to use it. With the makeup and the clothes, the only thing that would be a giveaway would be the hair. I sighed. _So this was really happening_. It felt as though there were a weight in my stomach as I took out the small mirror at the bottom of the bag. Well, there was no time like the present. I quickly put in the filler and moved on to the random things of makeup. There were a few different sticks in bright and skin tones colors, little boxes also filled with different colors and a few tubes of odd looking liquid like substances. How in the hell did anyone use this stuff on a daily basis? Screw it. I would look like a damned clown if I attempted that.

I eyed the dress, fishnet stocking and heels that were the most modest of the two choices he had left me. It was black with a bit of green at the hips with a green undershirt. He at least could have gotten me something that was orange.

Then again, that would likely help someone discover who I was considering I didn't know that many people besides myself that liked the color that much. I put the annoying outfit on. So freaking uncomfortable. At least it came down to my ankles and was a bit loose. I had no chance at trying to be a ninja at the moment, so might as well pretend to be a regular citizen. I concentrated on my hair. The only thing I could think of was my mom's hair. Long, red and straight. I looked in the mirror and smiled softly. Odd, I kind of looked like her with my hair like that. I set down the mirror and I looked at the shoes.

No.

No way in hell was I even going to try them on.

I put on my regular shoes and headed out. It was nerve-wracking, walking out in the street while pretending to be a girl, not me, not the Hokage, _don't look at me_.

It was easier than I had thought. I smiled half way to Ichiraku. I had heard someone talk about how the Hokage had agreed to a television interview in a week.

It had worked. I felt bad for him though. The memories I had given him, they weren't pleasant. Sakura would want to know what had happened. Neji had come up with the idea that it made sense that having Kurama end the pregnancy would be the best explanation. I agreed with him. She would know he wasn't carrying a child. But he would remember it. He would have loved it, as much as I had.

And he would feel the loss of that child. It was a feeling I did not want to ever experience myself. I hoped that he would be smart and keep himself alive so that I would never have to have those phantom memories.

I waved at someone as I passed by. They smiled and waved in return. This might actually work.

It had to.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

It was easier to stay inside. I could keep my regular clothes on, and I didn't need to keep the henge on my hair if I stayed in the library. It had been two weeks since I had created the fake me, and it was working like a charm. Nobody recognized me on my rare trips into the outside world, and the village was buzzing with news of the random things the Hokage was doing.

I had never been more pleased not to be that person. It was a really odd feeling. Did I really hate being the Hokage that much? That just two weeks in hiding I feared going back to doing what I had been? I knew. I knew I wouldn't be. I hated knowing that, but there was no way I could. Not with what I had done.

I had lied. I placed a clone in the office full time. I could no longer fight.

That last bit was the hardest part of it all. Chakra. I was next to fully drained constantly. I was tired. I was sore.

At least, I was no longer getting sick. Which was normal it seemed. I had gotten bored and hiding out in a library had its advantages. Like now I knew my baby was around the size of a kidney bean if it was developing correctly. I hoped it was, there was no way to know without seeing a doctor, and that would defeat the purpose of me hiding out in the library in the first place. Though, I would have to figure out a way to get out soon. Gaara was coming in a week. The meeting was scheduled, and I needed to talk to him. Before the imposter did. Who knew what he would do, probably mess everything up. That would be great, wouldn't it? I seriously had no idea what I would say to him though. The thought of seeing him actually sent me into a small panic attack every time I thought about it for too long.

I really had no idea what I was going to do.

I had been working hard on my carving again, after picking up a hand guard so that I didn't have a repeat of my previous incident. I couldn't afford to go through that again. It had been taking form, two figures in the middle, arms outstretched. It was still pretty bad, recognizable, but still bad. Neji was right, I sucked at this, but it was keeping me occupied.

I was going to lose my mind by the end of this. At least, I only had a month and a week left before I came forward. That is the time I had decided on. Month five. They wouldn't dare kill a child at that point, would they? It would be past the half way point. I could last that long on my own, couldn't I? I had already used three doses of my medicine, which only left three more. I would need to space them out in order to get me through that long. I should probably have thought of that before I had used the other three, but I wasn't thinking.

I laughed. I was being _hormonal_ again. Did that even fit as an explanation for that? Did it even matter? I paced the room. Bored. I was seriously bored. Maybe I could read something.

I didn't even like reading. That was how freaking bored I was. I exited my little room and made my way through the maze of carved bookshelves. What to read, what to read. I wandered around for a while and just looked at the books with no real goal in mind. They all looked the same to me. Somehow, after about an hour of randomly walking around the place, I ended up in the children's section.

Why had I gone there? I sighed. Well, might as well look. I knelt down and looked through the smaller shelves there. I was oddly happy that I left this place without a librarian. Technically the place was open, but had no attendants. It was a bit of an oversight, a dumb one that left it open to being robbed, but it left me with some much needed privacy. That, and I could lie and say that I was the attendant. That would be a good cover wouldn't it?

I found myself holding onto a thin, square picture book. It was kind of silly and sported a picture of two bunnies. But, I found I couldn't put the little thing down. _Guess how much I love you._ The last line in the book made me smile, a strange warmth filling my heart as I had read it. I love you right up to the moon and back.

I hugged the little thing to my chest and headed back to my room. This little being that was growing inside of me, this little person, I loved it. More than I could even fathom, it was strange. It was a different sort of love, a protective love. The 'I would do anything for this person' kind of love.

So that was the difference. A mother's love. It was still a bit weird to think of myself in that light. I thought I had understood that sort of love with Himawari and Boruto, and I loved them fiercely, but this... This was mind blowing. At least, I now understood why Hinata didn't want to leave Boruto with a babysitter for a long time, why she stayed home instead of continuing on missions. I wondered if that feeling would grow after it was born. I couldn't help but think that it would. I should probably apologize to her for hounding her about all that.

I clicked the door shut to my little room and held out the book. I doubted the baby would be able to hear, but I felt oddly compelled to read the book to it. I opened the cover and began to read, slowly pacing the floor as I did. I left my voice low as I spoke to my stomach. If I had any say in the matter, this child would know how much I wanted it, how much I loved it. No matter the circumstances of their conception, this child deserved life, and if I had to do it again, I would. I spoke my heart to my child, spoke my emotions, my hopes, my desires into those words.

I was so wrapped up in my production of the simple, yet powerful message that I failed to hear the door open. I hadn't expected it. Nobody ever came into that place.

But then, I came face to face with the one person I had not expected to see.

I found myself staring into the most beautiful jade colored eyes, which were wide, staring at me as though they had seen a ghost.

Gaara.

Damn it, it was freaking _Gaara_.

What in the hell was he doing here? He was a week early! What was I going to do? I wasn't ready.

He started to visibly shake. Tears welled into his eyes. Without thinking I dropped the book and went to him as he fell to his knees. What was going on? What had happened for him to have this sort of reaction? Was it why he was in Konoha a week early? Sakura... Sakura didn't tell him, did she?

No, she wouldn't do something like that. She thought killing the baby was the best choice, and it would be pretty stupid to clue the father in on it.

His hands went to my sides, pulled me into him and he sobbed. He outright sobbed. "Gaara? Hey, what is going on?"

"I don't get it. What do you want from me? What in the hell do you want from me?" His voice was rough and tight.

I stared down at him. Me, _I_ was what was wrong with him. I brought my hand to his head. His hair felt a bit greasy yet still a bit soft. This was too much. His head was resting on my stomach. Without him knowing, he was resting it on our child. His child. The precious life we had created. In that brief moment I knew I had made the right choice. I had to fight for this, this possibility.

I wasn't ready to tell him yet. What would happen? It could start a war, he wasn't exactly known for his patience and understanding. I couldn't risk him flipping out and destroying part of Konoha in a blind rage.

"Don't you dare cry, Gaara. Not for me." I lifted his head just a little, the look in his eyes broke my heart. _Don't cry, because I love you, it hurts too much to see you cry._ "Give me some time? Will you do that for me?" I kissed the kanji on his forehead, thankful for his silence. "I will come to you when I am ready, I give you my word. I will come to you..." I stepped back from him. He was still shaking. I wanted to hold him. He stared forwards, his eyes not even focusing on me. I hesitated. I wanted him to know. I wanted _him_.

But it wasn't the right time yet. Not yet. I wasn't ready.

I had to ensure the safety of our baby.

I had to figure out a way to let him know that I was having his child without forcing his hand in marrying me.

Married to Gaara. How weird would that be?

The idea was amazing though.

I quickly slipped out of the room before I changed my mind, hoping that he would find it in his heart to wait for me until I was ready.


	27. The Last Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> I am exhausted, I am not sure how I managed it, but I have somehow pulled off a new chapter, a character bio on my new antagonist in my novel and launched my patreon, all while working 8 hour shifts at my job.  Yayyyyy.  Although, this would have been out a couple hours earlier if I didn't run into a small glitch in my wattpad app.  (I really have to learn to close my word processors...)
> 
> Anyway...  Here is a new chapter!  I appreciate all of you for reviewing!  Those of you that have stuck with me since the beginning,  Moonprincess and JJ (Who has inadvertently given me the solution to my problem dealing with a future situation, I thank you.) as well as my newer reviewers, Sai, Kimberly, fights and ... 2 something something (Sorry I don't remember the numbers) I hope that you all enjoy this chapter and that I can keep being entertaining for you :D  Ok, enough of my sentimentality, on with the story!
> 
> As always, reviews inspire!

 

 

 

** Gaara **

I was excited. I couldn't help but think about giving my little treasure to Naruto. That I would be seeing Naruto. That maybe I should give him a hug. They really were an oddly pleasant experience and that sentiment only had been confirmed after Kankuro had given me one the day before. I know I had pushed our travel here, but I really needed to see Naruto, make sure that he was ok.

I had left the message at the front gate of my arrival and my desire to push my meeting with the Hokage up to today. Of course, if it were feasible with his workload. I hoped he would have time though. I held the small gourd that protected the small box that my small treasure was in. I was nervous. It had taken me all night to figure out what to write on the little card that Hari had given me. It wasn't much considering the size of the card, and I highly doubted that Naruto would appreciate having to read a large letter with a magnifying glass.

He tended to avoid reading most days anyway. I tightened my grip on the gourd and stared out the window, taking in the greenery. It was the best part of visiting Konoha, besides the reasons of Naruto, Temari and my nephew of course. Which was why I found myself sitting, legs crossed, at Temari's table completely ignoring her lecture. I got enough of the necessary bits for me to tune everything else out, my siblings never agreeing with my thoughts on the intricacies of human speech and the need to only speak the words that were necessary for communication. I moved my eyes to the clock as her fist connected to the table in front of me, more shouted words. All of this was highly unnecessary. I knew she would be mad, I had barely seen her in my last two visits to Konoha, but surely she didn't think I would go out of my way for her?

Though, I probably should, she was my sister. That, and I needed to have my coat repaired.  I should probably send that over to her. The only reason I hadn't was because I didn't want to explain to her that I had allowed Naruto to use it, that he was wearing it when I fell asleep, and that the staining had been from having... _relations_... with him while he was wearing it. I swallowed. Yes, that was likely the main reason I had not sent it, that small stain.  The one that was a constant reminder that what had happened wasn't just in my head.

She had been yelling at me for more than a half hour. I sighed and brought my gaze to her. Her face was red and her mouth was forming words, though I really wasn't paying attention to any of them. I didn't have time for this. "Excuse me, I have somewhere to be."

I stood from my spot at the table after untangling my legs and turned to head out. I needed to clear my head. The thought of that little stain only served to make me remember, and remembering only made my body react in ways that I found disconcerting. I could already feel the warmth in my body rise, that odd tingle in my stomach as thoughts of him surrounding me and...

I needed to leave. _Not possible_. We were both men and it was best not to dwell on such impossible things. Just because Naruto had turned into a girl once, shouldn't mean that I keep pining over that moment. No, it was best to leave it in our past, best to move forwards. Perhaps be thankful that he had proven all of my doctors wrong about my inability to procreate.

I found myself lifted off the floor slightly and face to face with a very angry Temari. I stared at her. Did she honestly think that she would be able to detain me if I so desired to leave?

"Damn it Gaara! I finally am able to see you in person and all you want to do is leave? Mad at me or something?"

Mad at her? Why would I be mad at her? I stared at her, somewhat confused. "I have no reason to be angry with you Temari."

"Then why-"

"Naruto, why else?" I glared over to Kankuro whose voice held far more amusement than the situation called for. "Lover's tiff." He was sprawled out in the chair across from me, half hunched over with a large grin on his face.

Temari's face scrunched a little then she gave a small laugh. I moved my glare to her. "Naruto huh?"

"I am happy my unfortunate circumstances amuse you. Unhand me, Temari, or you will not have a hand left."  I kept my voice even, low, in hopes that she would realize that I was being sincere about that threat.

She dropped me, but she stood with a small smirk on her face, her eyes narrow and glittering in amusement. She placed a hand on her hip as a low chuckle rumbled through her throat. "Figures, the only person that has the full ability to freak out the all powerful Kazekage. What am I anyway, just a sister? Hardly as important as the guy who beat the shit out of you as a kid."

I growled at her. I wasn't about to fall into that trap. Both of those idiots that called themselves my siblings had a knack for goading me into fights. It annoyed me that they had figured out my triggers, most of which usually revolved around that other idiot that she was referring to. "I'm leaving." I turned once more and stalked out of her house. I was going to the Hokage tower. Meeting or not, I was seeing that man even if he didn't want to see me. I was growing impatient.

I followed the steps up to the tower, through the circular hallway and knocked on the door to Naruto's office. _Be_ _in_ _there_... It would make it easier. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself to go down to his personal rooms. Sick or not, my body kept betraying me and I was afraid I would have another incident like the one in the library before.

Thankfully Shikamaru opened the door, his eyes widened only a second in surprise before he settled into that bored look that I had come to associate with him. "Gaara, what a surprise. I was about to have someone come get you, the Hokage wants to just get the meeting over with. Just finished preparing the documents, he wanted to do that before you came." He frowned at me.

"He is alright then?"

"If you can call it that, I guess so. He has been a bit... _off_ lately. No idea what is going on with him, so I warn you, he isn't exactly himself. You should just go in, sign whatever you need to, and then get the hell out.  Don't make eye contact, don't speak.  Trust me in that."

I felt that crease form between my brow again. What was going on with him? I clutched the small gourd I was carrying. Maybe if I apologized, maybe if we put this past us he would be better? I nodded to Shikamaru and headed into his office. Naruto. He was there. He looked healthier than before but...

There was something _off_ about him. He was hunched over his desk, staring at some random place on the wall. "Naruto?"

He tensed, his bandaged hand made a fist and he looked up at me.

There was something _very_ off about him. The light in his eyes, his smile, they were gone. Instead, all I could see was darkness, pain. He was... He was a broken man.  It was the only way I could describe what I seen.  I swallowed. Those things, that look, that was something I never wanted to see on him. Not _him_.  He moved a folder across his desk towards me. "Already went over them, all you need to do is the same, sign, then leave."  His voice sounded tired

What? "I want to apologize for-"

"I don't really give a shit, Gaara." His voice grew louder as he spoke, the anger evident.  "Just sign the damned papers. I don't know why you came early and honestly I don't care." His eyes were like cold steel, his mouth thin.

I neared the desk. He dared?  I felt my own anger flare at his dismissal of me. "I demand to know what in the hell is going on with you, Naruto." I leaned in, my hand on his desk as my own icy gaze met his. "Enough of this stupid game, I am sick of it, you will tell me."

"Sign the papers." His voice was acidic as he opened the folder and set a pen down next to the area that was meant for me to sign.

"Not until-"

"I do _not_ have to tell you and I am not going to _be_ telling you." His eyes narrowed.

"You will have to talk to me eventually."

"Actually, no, I don't. Sign the fucking papers and get out." His eyes flashed red, his anger making him shake.

I stared at him a moment, confused. What was happening? Had I screwed up so severely that I had messed up the one thing that mattered most to me? My anger dissipated at the thought and a lump formed in my throat. "Naruto, I..."

He slammed his hands on his desk. "Screw this, sign. I don't need to be here for this." He stood, "This is a mistake I _never_ should have made"  The words were low while he stormed out of the room in a rage, slamming the door open as he went.

I stared after him. What... What just happened?  Mistake?  Did...

Did he mean...

He wasn't referring to me, was he?

Shikamaru came in the room, looking more annoyed than normal. "You talked didn't you?"

"I..." Words, they wouldn't come to me. My heart, it... I just stared at the open door.

"Yeah, if you could figure out what is going on with him, that would be great. Kind of getting sick of this. Been like this for two weeks now. He dropped off the face of the planet for about six days, then when he came back, this is what we have been dealing with." He shoved his hands in his pockets and gave an exasperated sigh. "Days like this, it makes me regret giving up smoking. The things I do for your sister..."

I brought my attention to him.  Keep my mind off Naruto.  "She is angry with me."

"I know, any time your name comes up she short circuits."

I stared at him.  What did he mean?  "She what?"

He groaned.  "This conversation is far too troublesome at the moment. You mind if I head off? Oh, and if you haven't signed that paper, you should. Maybe he will come out of his mood sometime and you can actually talk to him without him going crazy. At least you got more out of him than anyone else. He tends to just kind of sit there and growl at people lately."

"Perhaps I would have preferred his silence." I sighed, yes, it would have been better than thinking he thought of me as a mistake.  A _mistake_.  "I will be over for dinner. It seems that there will be no other plans for me this time." I headed to the table and quickly glanced over the document. Trade conditions, tax adjustments and something about the continuance of soil and water exchanges. I signed the thing without reading the details and set the pen down.

He...

He...

My hand was shaking, my signature was barely legible. Was it over? Our friendship, would he never speak with me again? I looked over my shoulder to where Shikamaru had been standing and thankfully found myself alone. He must have left after I announced that I would be having dinner with them.

What happened? Two weeks ago? What could have possibly happened to change my friend so quickly? He wasn't meant to be that sad, that angry. It made no sense. He had come out of the war a bit jaded, but it never made his smile completely fade.

He thought what happened was a mistake.

But it couldn't be _that,_ could it?  It happened months ago.

So what could have happened then?

I couldn't shake the feeling there was something off about him. Very off. I just couldn't pinpoint what that was. I swallowed, my throat felt far too dry. That annoying pain in my chest was back. I grabbed the fabric there as I fought to control my breath.

There it was again. The fast heartbeat, the shortness of breath, that sickening dizzy feeling. I scanned the room. Focus. I needed to focus on something. I gathered a small amount of sand. There was nothing to fully focus on. I needed to... I needed to...

I moved it forward, boring a small hole in the wall. A dot. Focus on the dot. Breathe. It wouldn't do to have a panic attack in the middle of Konoha. Just because Naruto refused to talk to me, because he ordered me to leave him alone.

Because he...

I could still fix this, couldn't I?

It wasn't too late? It _couldn't_ be. I needed to believe that it wasn't. It took me a few minutes of concentrating on the dot that I felt my heartbeat slow down to a more normal rhythm. I forced my breaths to steady. I was still a little shaky, but that would pass soon enough as well. Another panic attack. I hoped that it wouldn't take as long for them to stop as they had before. After my first incident, it had taken years to fully break them. Though, the fact that everything that triggered them lately were mostly things that were caused by circumstances that surrounded Naruto didn't help. I gathered my nerves and left the tower. I needed to get away from him. I wanted to talk to him, wanted to do something, anything, to bring his smile back. But I knew I couldn't handle an outright rejection.  I didn't even want to think about what he had said in there, contemplate what it meant.  He was my best friend. I just needed to give him space.

My feet had a mind of their own as I travelled down the streets of Konoha. I wasn't entirely sure where I was heading, but I just allowed myself to take in the sights. The mix of old and new. Technology mixed in with traditional. This place was so different from Suna. So lively in the middle of the day. So full of trees and smiling faces, flowers and plants. I was struck once again with the thought that this place was beautiful. Like Naruto.

Like Naruto was.

I frowned and stopped mid step. The library. I wanted to go back there, see the carving, see _his_ carving. Remind myself that he thought that I was important enough to him to carve such a thing himself. I continued walking. I didn't remember exactly where it had been, but I would recognize it when I seen it.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

It had taken me exactly three hours and fourteen minutes before I finally came across something familiar. Thank goodness. I had started to worry the entire thing was something my mind had conjured. I stared at the door to the place, nervous to enter. It was just a library. Why would I be nervous?

Maybe because I had been dangerously close to pretending that Naruto was a girl the last time I went in there. If I had touched him directly, I was sure that I would not have been able to stop. 

I took a deep breath.  Inside that building was something amazing, something amazing that had been done for me.  No matter his mood, Naruto had done that.

Naruto had _cared_ enough to have done that.

I needed to see it again.  I pressed on, entering the building silently as I studied my surroundings.  This place was like a maze, the small room that held what I sought was well hidden from those who would wander within the carved shelves of books.  I walked with purpose, intending to shut myself in that room and study his work first-hand without distraction.  See the lines where the blade hit the wood, the movements he had used while creating the image in the blank slab of wood used for it.

Maybe, in those lines, there would be answers.  Answers for the things that he had been hiding from me.  Answers on why he completely dismissed my presence just hours ago.

Maybe there was something hidden in those lines that would help me find a way to make him want me as a friend again.

 _There_.  A carving that looked familiar, I went around the bookcase and found a small hall made of bookshelves that led to a small door.  I had found it.  The room where Naruto's precious carving lay.  The room that I had abandoned him in.  The room I had ruined everything.

I took a breath and headed down the hall.  I paused at the end and stared at the wooden barrier.  I must be losing my mind.  I could have sworn, just then, I could hear him.  His voice light, hardly the depiction that I had just witnessed.

And... Was it me or was there a light under the door?  My hand hovered over the handle a moment.  Naruto wouldn't have come here, not after that.  He hardly seemed sentimental.  I pulled the handle, knowing that I had to be losing it and my mind had simply been playing tricks on me.

 _Or not_.  I stared at the scene before me.  Yes, I was in fact losing my mind, it was the only logical explanation.  Naruto was pacing around a large slab of wood, a book in his hands and a soft smile on his lips.  "I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river, cried Little Nutbrown Hare.  
That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.  He was almost too sleepy to think anymore."

It was too much.  Naruto, reading about love out loud from a children's book, the massive difference in demeanor, the way he was being so casual after candidly telling me to more or less go to hell with every ounce of conviction he could muster into his eyes, his voice.  Then _this_.  He... He was messing with me again...

I stared at him for a moment as he continued reading.  He looked up.  He froze in place, eyes wide, lips slightly parted. He looked completely shocked to see me. 

Damn him.  My vision blurred.  This was not good.  I tended not be be able to stop when I started to cry.  But it was too much.  My emotion, by dread, my anger, my frustration, my need to have him in my life suddenly crashed into me.  My body trembled and my knees gave out on me.  _Mistake_. I fell hard and I made no attempt to catch myself. 

Naruto come up to me, and I grabbed at his sides and rested my head against him before I lost the rest of my ability to stay at least somewhat upright.  I wanted to touch him.  Make sure he was actually there, in front of me, I needed to-

It started with something like a hiccup and I squeezed at him as my body convulsed, tears flowing down my cheeks, mixing with the sand.  I couldn't stop it, and in a way, I didn't want to.

This person.  This one person I needed more than any other, so much so that the very thought of losing him tore at my insides relentlessly.

"Gaara? Hey, what is going on?"

Didn't he know?  Didn't he remember what he said, the anger...  "I don't get it. What do you want from me? What in the hell do you want from me?"  I was amazed the words came, but I had meant them.

Did he know what he wanted?

Did I?

I didn't.  I didn't know what I wanted from _him_.  All I knew is that I was confused.  He confused me.  _I_ confused me.  I held onto him for dear life, as though just the physical act of it would keep him there.  In my life.  That was all I knew for sure, that I wanted him in my life.

I needed...

"Don't you dare cry, Gaara.  Not for me."  His voice was soft, almost demanding.  His hands went to my chin and just allowed him to lift my head up to him.  His eyes were soft, kind, full of light.  The tears slowed with the look he gave me.  Understanding.

This was Naruto.  The real Naruto.  The Naruto I needed. "Give me some time? Will you do that for me?" His lips brushed my forehead in a simple kiss. I stared into his chest, my heart in my throat. My skin tingled with the touch. Why... Why would he do that? I couldn't stop my body from shaking. "I will come to you when I am ready, I give you my word. I will come to you..." He trailed off and my view changed to the wall and slab of wood. He...

Why did he do that? Memories of when I had first come to live with my siblings came to mind, the first time that Temari had done that to me. I had been reading some random thing on etiquette considering I needed help in the category of human interaction. I was at least going to _try_.

I had learned that just because one got annoyed, it wasn't in good taste to kill said person who annoyed you.

That had been slightly disappointing to me at the time.

But the book isn't what mattered. It was Temari, who had leaned forward, and like Naruto, pressed her lips to that same place. I had grabbed her for the action, pinned her to the floor with my sand. _"What are you playing at Temari? What did you do to me?"_

_She laughed, "Gaara, you idiot, it's just a sign of **affection.** Means I like you."_

So... Maybe...

Did that mean Naruto liked me then? My lips twitched upwards and I touched my forehead. Even with the sand, the skin over the kanji was raised slightly higher. It would be even more pronounced, but I always left it with less of a covering than most of my body to make it look more like a tattoo than an old wound. I could feel there. Not just pressure, not just a change of temperature.

I wonder if he had known. Probably not, knowing him he would have been trying to poke at it for years if he had. I snorted and pressed my hands to my mouth. **_No_** ****.

I was _not_ going to laugh.

It was disconcerting, and I hated it. I took a deep breath. I had stopped shaking. When had that happened? I looked around the room to take in the surroundings. I felt oddly numb, worn out. That feeling always followed the rare times I lost my ability to contain my tears.

Just in front of me, in the center of the room was a large slab of wood, a cot against the wall and what looked like clothing piled into a lump on the floor next to it. A cot? Was he _living_ here?

My eyes widened.

The situation snapped into place in my mind, it made sense. I hadn't been dealing with Naruto before, I had been dealing with a clone. But I could usually tell his clone's bodies from his own and that one was... Different. Off.

I would have to ask him about that when he came to Suna.

He _would_ come, wouldn't he? He promised. He was going to come to me. Explain what was going on. I shifted my weight, moved my feet so that my toes were under me and leaned my weight backwards until I was on my feet. I stood to inspect the slab of wood. It was...

It was what he had carved before, the figures obvious on it, undone as they were. I frowned at it in the realization that the bookcase from before was missing. What had happened to it? Did he just decide that it needed to be better?

I added it to my ever growing list of questions and turned away from it. Give him time? I could do that. I had been years without seeing him in the past.

I could do something so simple as give him time, as long as I knew he would come. That I would again see him. I had become rather good at waiting.

Good at waiting for prey. Good at waiting for my siblings to wake up as I stared at them while they slept because I had gotten bored and the library had been closed. Good at waiting for acceptance from the people of Suna after I had become Kazekage.

So yes, I could wait. I hesitated before I left, remembering that I still had to give my gift to him. I pulled it from my coat and carefully removed the sand gourd I had packaged it in and placed it on the wood slab, sure that he would see it there. I smiled at it, happy that I had forgotten to put in on the fake Naruto's desk. It would have been a disaster.

I pushed him from my mind when I turned from the slab of wood and noticed something on the ground. I bent down to pick it up and realized it was the book that Naruto had been reading. "Guess how much I love you?" Why was he reading this? What point did it serve?

I felt an odd emotion as I read the title. One I couldn't identify. I slipped the little thing into my jacket. I knew that the words had not been meant for me but...

I was going to keep it anyway.


	28. A Curious Ally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wheeze* A chapter in less than a day for your reading pleasure. Please review! It always inspires my writing insanity. :D

**Naruto**

It hadn't surprised me when I had returned to my little room and seen that Gaara had left. I had expected that. What did surprise me, was that in the middle of my project was a little grey box. With a card.

_Do not open until Oct. 10_

It was written in elegant writing on the envelope. I picked it up to inspect it. It was a little weighty. I had the sudden urge to shake it, but decided against it. I had a weird feeling that he might have filled the thing with sand as a joke. But then, Gaara really didn't joke.

Not well anyway.

His brand of humor left much to be desired to say the least. I remember him giving a delighted hum at a particular gruesome scene of a horror movie he had insisted on watching when I dragged him to the theater with me. After all, if someone was going to watch a movie, you might as well do it properly right? I remember that I had made the mistake of asking him what was so amusing about it.

I regret doing that.

I really do.

Sometimes I forget what he was like when he was a kid, how different we were, no matter how much we were alike. He had mentioned that it 'had amused him that the spatter of blood did not match what would happen in reality and that such inconsistencies would be' blah blah blah.

I never asked him to see another movie again. It was just disturbing. I mean, I seen enough of that crap, seen enough death, enough blood to kind of know that, but to think that it was humorous? Not so much.

So... What would I do with this thing until then? Wait. That was my birthday.

I smiled grimly at that. Well, at least something interesting beyond the whole 'toss years out the window with Hinata' thing. Annulled. It sounded so... _Final_. It was, but still. Harsh. On my birthday, I would be a single man. Girl. Lady. Person. I snickered at my thoughts. Yes, I would be a single man girl lady person. Whatever the hell I was.

I carried the little box to my cot and laid down while I held it up. What was in there? Could I peek? It was a whole week away.

A _week_.

Who in the hell did he think I was? I didn't have that kind of patience, did he think I could actually wait that long to-

I sighed.

Yes, I imagine that he would think so. Especially after asking the exact same thing from him. For something a heck of a lot more important. I stared at the box. My birthday, huh? A present for my birthday. Even if it were a box of sand, I am sure I would love it, whatever it was. I hugged it. Gaara gave me a gift.

A gift for me.

It was the first one he had really given me. Even for my wedding, he gave himself to me. I felt my face heat up at that thought. Give himself to me? Now I was picturing him looking all cute with his perfect porcelain skin, holding out his arms and...

Well _crap_. I cleared my throat and worked at pushing that image from my imagination.

Yeah, that was great. Like that would ever happen, _I_ was the one turning into a freaking girl after all. Who would have thought that I would even be remotely ok with that? I sure wouldn't have thought so, that is for sure. I _still_ wasn't sure I was entirely ok with it, but... I didn't have much of a choice in that did I?

My thoughts came back to my baby. I smiled. My baby. It seemed so odd, so freaking weird, but I was so ridiculously excited for it. I wanted to hold it in my arms, whisper my love of it.

It. I wish I knew if the baby was a boy or girl, then I could at least use a different term, even if it was just in my head. I looked at the floor. What happened to my book anyway? I swore that I had dropped it while I was in here...

I carefully set the box down and made my way out of the room and scanned the floor. It had to have gone somewhere. Books didn't just up and walk away or anything. It wasn't anywhere though.

I had walked the path between my little room and the restroom a few times before I came to terms my special little book for the baby had simply disappeared. What the hell? What could have happened to it? I frowned as an odd thought passed through my mind. Gaara. He wouldn't have... Would he?

What purpose would he have in taking it? He never did much that didn't have an outright purpose associated with it. What reason would he have to take it? Maybe he just set it somewhere? He was kind of a neat freak. Personally, I think he just gets bored sometimes and takes to obsessively cleaning sometimes, but who knows. I know that he did it to my house once after he came to see Boruto. The only explanation he gave was 'something was out of place'. Which would be fine, but he had cleaned the entire place, as well as rearranged _everything_ while Hinata and I slept. It took us months to figure out what he had done with everything.

All we wanted was someone to feed Boruto if he woke up in the night so we could get a good nights sleep. Also something we never asked him to do again.

Freak. He was so dang weird. I wonder what actually living with him full time would be like. I sighed as I gave up my book hunt and headed back to the children's book section. That was a thought that was recent. Like very recent. As in, as I had left Gaara completely petrified in my little room in the library to go hide in the bathroom. Marriage. That I was already excited at the prospect of marrying him, another _guy_ , while I was still technically married to my wife. MY WIFE.

Who betrayed me, tricked me and accidentally got me stuck in this sticky situation. But... It led to this tiny miracle growing inside of me, so how could I really be that mad at her for it? If she hadn't, this wouldn't be happening. While it freaked the shit out of me, and I didn't know what in the hell I was going to do, it also excited me. More excited than I should probably be. Not only had I managed to give Gaara a moment he could remember without having a mental breakdown between us, at least I hoped he could, I would be giving him something that nobody else could give him.

A true heir. Shinki was his son, yes, but he wasn't blood, not really. He would carry on Gaara's legacy, be a great Kazekage if Gaara ever got twitchy enough to actually step down. I wondered how Gaara was as a father.

Would he even want to go through fatherhood again?

I kind of remembered him letting Kankuro do most of the parenting with the kid, now that I thought about it. The few times we really spoke about it, it had always been, Kankuro and Shinki went and did such and such, or Kankuro and Shinki trained with such and such.

Like a report.

Maybe we were more alike in that aspect of our lives as well. To be honest, I really had no idea what my kids were doing right now. And I was leaving them. That was great. I should get the father of the year award. Get knocked up by the leader of a foreign country and run off to start a family there and ignore the present one.

I doubted I could actually ignore them though, no matter the situation. I loved them too much. I just wasn't always the best at knowing how to show it.

What _were_ they doing anyway? I should probably attempt to be a somewhat descent parent and actually find out. I went over to my pile of clothes and fished out my annoying black and green dress. Damn I really hated that thing. I scrunched my nose at it and then slipped into it. Hated it, hated it, hated it. How in the hell did girls even remotely get around in these? So freaking weird. After I was dressed I filled in my whisker marks and henged my hair. Immediately I felt dizzy, I stumbled some at the loss of chakra that came from using it and braced myself against the wall. Come on Naruto, you idiot, it's just a little chakra- don't be such a freaking wimp about it. I took a breath after I regained my balance and headed outside again, swallowing down the nervousness that came every time that I did. Find out about the kids, get something to eat, head back to the library. Simple.

I quickly made my way to the other side of Konoha, determined to get word of how my kids were doing. It had been three weeks after all, I did actually want to know. Was Himawari doing ok in school still? Did Boruto get a mission he had been aching to have? Was my clone being good towards them?

I frowned. Probably not. I really didn't want to know what he had been up to, not really. He was probably angry. I doubted he would have a single kind word to say about Sakura, that was for sure. After all, I left him with the memory of aborting the baby himself.

I _kinda_ felt bad about it, but it was a necessary thing to do.

I found myself sitting outside the academy, creepily watching the students from the trees. When did I turn into such a freak? Sitting in the trees, watching children throw kunai and play on the swings and in the playground. Yeah, I was _awesome_. I groaned and left my perch. There had to be a better way than to stalk the school that Himawari went to in order to find out if she was ok.

I mean. Really. There had to be a way. Was there? Without the risk of getting caught?

I gave a heavy sigh and headed to the market. No. There really wasn't. Just sitting outside the school someone would eventually notice me. I couldn't go home and ask Hinata. I couldn't risk being noticed by going to someone I knew would be able to tell me.

I really didn't have a way to check up on the kids. I would just have to trust my clone and Hinata with their well being for the moment.

I went to some small eatery in the outskirts of the market. I had never went to the place, so it would be easier to not be recognized if someone looked at me just right. Though, I am sure not many would be expecting their Hokage to be crossdressing, sort of, in the first place. I was seated at a small table towards the corner and ordered a small sandwich. Something light. My stomach had been behaving lately, but the sheer memory of my constant trips to see my porcelain buddy in the bathroom was enough to keep my diet a bit cleaner for now. I didn't want to start that back up again.

I watched the television in front of me, it was angled on the wall towards the restaurant and it was silent but for subtitles. I squinted my eyes to read it.

_Can you believe that the Hokage has postponed his interview again? That is the fourth time this month! Do you think that the people of Konoha should be worried?_

_I want to hold my judgement. I know it is uncharacteristic for us not to see his clones doing things all the time, but there is likely a reason for this as well. If he was unable to protect us, I doubt they would allow him to stay in office without using emergency measures._

I looked back down and studied the wood pattern on the table. So, he postponed another interview. This wasn't good. I had put them off for a while before Sakura told me about.. then...

Yeah, it just wasn't good to be so absent in a place like this. It wasn't a normally run country. Any weakness would be exploited, invasions could be planned, attacks formulated.

One more month. This could last one more month, couldn't it? I could recommend a new Hokage for training, then Kakashi or Grandma Tsunade could issue a state of emergency until a new one was appointed.

Just a month. Nothing would happen until then, would it? I sincerely hoped not.

"Can you believe that the Hokage still hasn't shown his face? It has been months, I mean, really? What kind of person does that? He sick or something?" Some girl's voice sounded from behind me, probably in reaction to the news.

I froze as I eavesdropped on the conversation behind me. There was a 'shhhh' sound then a sigh. "Come on, you are thinking it too. What if he is sick or something, do they have some kind of, you know, backup plan?"

"I am sure the other Hokages could-" Second voice, female.

"You know what I _mean_." A pause, then a whisper, "Not about the Hokage of the village. The other thing. What if it escapes? If he is weak, could it escape? What would we do?"

Silence.

They were talking about... They were afraid of... My heart raced as they continued to speak, my stomach rose to my throat.

"I can't believe they don't have some kind of 'insurance'. The Hokage is powerful, yeah, but they would never allow that _thing_ out again. Probably planted some kind of explosive in him just to be safe or something." Third female, also whispered.

Another 'Shhhhh!'

Kurama. They were still afraid of me. Of him. Of us. After everything, nothing actually changed. I felt a little sick. Even though they were whispers, spoken without the knowledge that I would hear it myself, they spoke truth. Wouldn't they just freak out if they knew the person they were talking about was sitting right next to them and heard every word? Though.. If they felt that way, how many more did? Secretly, behind my back, how many of the people I worked so tirelessly for, protected with every ounce of my being, were secretly and deathly _afraid_ of me?

Probably more than I wanted to know about.

I stood from my table and left silently, refusing to look up from the floor. I really wasn't hungry anymore. I felt wetness on my cheeks as I headed back to the library. I needed to get inside.

I needed to get away from them. Everyone.

I needed to...

I buried my face in my hands. Everything I knew was a lie.

Everything.

Maybe leaving this place wasn't so bad after all.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I couldn't move. The pain. It was back. And my medicine was on the other side of the room. I waited too long. I had tried to stretch it, tried to make it last. I only had...

And now I was stuck in bed with no way to move.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I groaned. What in the hell was I going to do? Even at the slight attempt at sitting up, it felt like my body would disintegrate on me. It reminded me how much my body was working at changing, how much pain that sedative actually took away. It was worse. The pain, it was worse than before.

I had been crying, my cheeks felt cool where they had streamed down my face. It wasn't an intentional thing, but damn.

I fucking _hurt_. Everywhere. What had I been thinking? _I can't do this_.

I can't move.

I too a breath. No, I had to. I had to do this. For my baby I had to do this. I needed to. If only I had left my medicine closer to my cot, and not on the other side of the god damned, fucking horrible, annoying assed room.

I yelled as I brought my hand up, primal. I was determined. This baby deserved every bit of strength I had in my body. I fought for breath once my hand reached my chest. Step one, complete.

I knew what I needed to do.

I needed _him_ again. I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. I couldn't risk this happening again, after I had the medicine in me. I would have no guarantees that I would even have enough chakra at that point to conjure a clone, and if the pain were worse...

I really would be stuck. I wondered briefly if I would die, if that were to happen.

No, I couldn't die. Not for a few more months. I had to live. If I died, this little miracle would die with me.

I would **_not_** allow that.

I whimpered as I gathered my chakra in my hands. Come on, _I can do this_. It is just a few hand signs, nothing major. I allowed myself to cry out, moan in pain as I moved them, thankful that one of my arms was technically a prosthetic and didn't hurt too badly. But hell, my other hand...

I blacked out as I faintly heard the 'pompf' that signaled my efforts were not in vain.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I woke up to a very worried looking Neji standing over me. "Hyy" Damn it. I cringed as main shot through my throat at the attempt to speak. He didn't know about my medicine, or why I had wanted him here. Shit.

"Damn it Naruto, what in the hell is going on? What happened?"

I took a breath through my nose. Speak. I needed to speak. "Medicine. Corner." Please find it. I whimpered at the pain that brought on and I closed my eyes, focusing on anything but what my body felt. My breath was shaky, my body on fire.

Medicine. Soon, it would be over and I would have my medicine.

A sharp pain erupted on my arm and I gave a whimper that ended in a groan.

Oh damn.

Damn that was nice.

From where the pain started, a tingling followed, ebbing outwards from the point of contact, numbing the fire, and I settled into the relief. He found it, thank goodness. It took a little while to do it's job and I just laid there, panting from what had happened. How stupid of me.

"Answers, Naruto. What just happened? I don't recall you mentioning anything about the possibility of being beaten. Who did this to you?"

Beaten? "I'm fine, Neji, honest. All part of what is going on. Sakura mentioned something about my body rearranging itself or something, I think."

"You are covered in bruises, what else was I supposed to think?"

"Bruises?" I felt tired. It had been two days since Gaara had left here. Two days of sitting in my room as my pain grew. I hadn't worked on my carving for at least a day. I hadn't left the library since I had been to the market and overheard them talking about me.

I hadn't eaten anything in three.

I knew I couldn't last another month on my own, not like this. I was getting too weak. I stared at the ceiling, Neji falling into a silence beside me. What was I going to do? I couldn't rely on him to nurse me. I had used most of his dispensable chakra when we had made the clone. He maybe had a few henges left in him before his chakra was depleted to the point he wouldn't even be able to be summoned until I shoved more in his direction. Which I couldn't, because I barely had enough for myself.

So what then? That moron Gaaruto would be a waste of time, he was uncontrollable. No, definitely not an option. He would probably just try to molest me anyway. Bastard.

No, I needed someone else, someone solid. Who would help me no questions asked, that I could trust with not telling anyone my secret.

This is what I needed to know. How would I pull that off, and with who? "I need help."

"Isn't that why you called me here? Your voice of reason? If it wasn't for the fact that I feel somewhat honored that you think that of me, I would be quite offended about you _using_ me so much these past few days."

"Stop being such a girl about it, Neji."

He gave a half laugh. "If I recall correctly, it is you who are turning into a girl, while I thankfully will remain as I am. A man, the way I was intended to be. That insult of yours, won't be so much of an insult once your transformation is complete, now will it?"

"Shut it."

"Let me guess, you need help but don't know how to get it? Am I correct in my assumption, Naruto?"

I gave a humph and I felt the cot shift under his weight as he sat down next to me. "Hmm, yes, that is indeed an excellent curiosity, isn't it?" He brought his hand to my forehead and moved my hair from there. "You should sleep while I ponder this situation. It will take a great deal of finesse, cunning. You will need to reveal your secret for it to work, but I need to safeguard it."

I _was_ tired. I closed my eyes. If anyone could figure out how to get through this unscathed, it was Neji. Memory or not, he was still, truly, a genious.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Neji gently shook me awake. "I know what to do."

His words made me wake fully. He did? "Tell me."

"You will not like it, but I know who we can turn to. First however, I will address the issue of keeping your secret. A seal. You have gotten descent at them, all we have to do is figure out how to manipulate a memory seal into what we want. A temporary one. Do you follow my logic in this?"

"I... Not really." I frowned at him. How could a memory seal help my situation?"

He sighed. "I am amazed they let you be Hokage. Honestly." He paused, "We would create a memory seal that only activates if your secret is told to anyone who does not also carry the seal. I will have to be the one to activate it, I still somehow have more chakra than you do at the moment, but it will be the last thing I can do without confining myself back inside your head. After that, you will be stuck with Gaaruto for any chakra needs, and that move would be risky. I think I will still have enough to at least be a body for physical actions at least, so you should not need to call him if you need something as simple as getting your medicine again. Though, that need should be dissipated by recruiting a person to help you."

Oh. "I get it now. A safe way to tell my secret. So... You said I wouldn't like it. Who do you want me to confide in?"

He looked away from me. "I went over the possibilities of who I know in your group of friends that would be willing to help, and I couldn't come to a positive conclusion to any of them. Sakura obviously is out of question, considering she is the main reason this secret must be kept for now. Shikamaru is your advisor and sworn by duty to Konoha, it would not be good to expect such a secret from him. Lee is hardly an option, he is too energetic and would likely let it slip and lose his memory of it all. It would make this all in vain. Every person I thought of would have a downside, but one. It may seem an odd choice, but she would have an added incentive, once all the information is revealed."

I stared at him. "She? Who are you talking about?"

"Someone who would have a great interest in protecting not only you, but your child."

"I don't..."

"Someone who would care the most about protecting a child of Gaara's. His sister. Temari."

Temari? "Are you freaking crazy? She is way overprotective of him! She knows him well enough that she will naturally figure out I practically raped the guy!"

"And she would wait to kill you until that child is born."

I stared at him. He...

He was right.

She would have a vested interest. She might even be able to help me around the laws of Suna that demand marriage for nobles who have children outside of wedlock. I swallowed. Yes. That might actually work. "How do we do it then, the seal?"

"I think that if we combine a memory sealing tactic, along with a temporary block set for a specific moment with a spoken trigger that pertains to anything to do with the release of your secret we might be able to get it to work. We don't have much time to get it right, and only one shot at doing it correctly. Anything goes wrong, we could accidentally wipe her memory, or make it so she can't even talk to her own brother. We must tread carefully."

I nodded. "Yeah. Let's do this. For the baby, we have to do this."

His lips went thin, then he smiled. "Yes, for this child, we must."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

On the second day of deliberation, we finalized the seal's design. An Uzumaki original. It was amazing. Beautiful.

I hoped it worked.

Two more days before my medicine would start wearing off again. Only two more doses left. This was going to be hell. I only went over the dosage schedule by two days before. There was no way that it was going to last me a full month. All I could hope for was for Temari be ok with this and she get me more somehow. I couldn't exactly ask Grandma Tsunade for more. She would be on to me. Not to mention, I was covered in growing bruises all over my body and I was looking more and more like a damned girl. My muscles were less defined, I was noticeably shorter than I had been, and well, I had boobs. Small ones, but they were definitely boobs. Very sore, very bruised, but even wearing my old outfit I could see them in the mirror. If they didn't hurt so damn much, I would totally feel myself up to see how they felt.

Not to mention, I kind of was hoping they really wouldn't get a whole lot bigger. They freaking hurt, damn it. It wasn't natural. Then again, none of this was natural. Not even slightly.

"You will have to get me sunglasses and some clothes. I think you have enough money for that left. I don't dare attempt a henge with the amount of chakra I will need to perform the seal. I am technically dead, so the only thing people will notice right away would be my eyes. We only need to make it to the Nara compound. Then, we look for Temari."

I gave a nod and slipped out of the library, leaving Neji to await my return. Nervous. Always nervous when I went outside, afraid someone would see through my hair and makeup. To the store. Pick up sunglasses that an Aburame would wear because I think out of all the years I have known him, I have only seen Shino's eyes once, and some clothes that would have fit me in my early twenties. Because in spite of his looks, Neji was still a clone of mine. They weren't the best, but it would work. He couldn't just go walking around in the Hyuuga traditional garb, now could he? With his dark hair, it would still be pretty obvious he was a Hyuuga, glasses or not. He would just look like a Hyuuga, wearing glasses.

So, I got him some basic street wear. Jeans, a basic shirt in blue because Hinata always looked good in blue and he was kind of a male version of her, and some hair ties. His hair was also a dead giveaway. Satisfied with my choices I carefully made my way back to the library. I found him there and he silently changed into what I had brought him. "If this wasn't necessary for our purposes, I would kill you for this."

"Do you think you ever wore regular clothes, Neji, when you were alive?"

He frowned at me. "I am not sure. You never seen me beyond my usual ninja uniforms. Perhaps I did."

I gave a hum. "We should get going. I am not sure how long I can keep this henge up. I am starting to get pretty damned tired again."

He nodded and we headed out. It took us a while to get to the compound, longer to sneak in. I couldn't risk explaining myself to anyone who might have spotted us. Not to mention, they might have recognized Neji, who still looked very much like himself in spite of the glasses and his hair up in a ponytail. In a way, he sort of looked ridiculous, because it was hard to imagine the real Neji ever wearing such an ensemble. We carefully made our way to Shikamaru's place, careful not to be seen.

It was easy. Almost too easy.

"They are not at home." A woman's voice sounded from behind me. One I didn't recognize. I looked over my shoulder, petrified of what was about to happen. She would freak out, call for backup or just outright attack us. Neither of us had the chakra to defend ourselves, and I didn't have enough strength or energy to even attempt basic taijutsu.

I was doomed. Everything was going wrong.

The woman was... oddly beautiful actually. Dark hair, pale skin. Sort of reminded me of Hinata some. She stood with her hands folded in front of her and looked more curious than alarmed. "Your eyes are familiar. Someone once told me that you could see past a disguise if you looked into their eyes."

I froze. This woman, who I had never seen... How could see through my disguise? "I'm not..."

"You are the Hokage. Why are you sneaking around here?"

Bold. Neji stood in front of me. "Have you been following us? I demand to know."

Her eyes moved between us then she smiled. "You have a secret. Are you looking for Shikamaru? Temari? They are not at home. You can wait for them at my place, if you desire. Your eyes, I know them. I have a secret of my own, so you should not worry about me. Please, come have some tea. My husband is away at work for now, and my son is playing in his sandbox."

I exchanged a look with Neji. She knew. We could do nothing about it. So...

Why not? Silently we followed, wondering who this woman was, and how she so easily seen through my disguise.

 


	29. Blush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, another update! Would have been up a little sooner today but... Bubble tea. It is a reasonable explanation and I will be using it. :)
> 
> Anyway, I received a review that mentioned that I was Sakura bashing. I think that if one person thinks this, than it may be present in other thoughts as well. I actually kind of like Sakura, but it is no secret that in the past she has done incredibly dumb things with the best of intentions. Personally, it is the only thing I could see Sakura do in this situation. She sees Naruto's body is literally tearing itself apart and he cannot heal fast enough to fully repair what is happening because his excess chakra is being cannibalized by a pregnancy that even she doesn't have enough time to fully process the meaning of, so I think I had her do the only thing she could think of quickly to try and save him. Anyway, I like to study character and the reasons why they would do the things they do. I just hope that I give them enough life that they feel a bit real.
> 
> Blah blah, enough ranting. Thank you everyone for your kind reviews! I am excited for the next section of this before we hit the official 'half point' where I will continue this in the next story. :D Still so much to come! As always, please review, it feeds the writing monster that likes to put out ridiculously fast chapters.

 

**Gaara**

I felt oddly calm, which was in a way very odd since I had so many questions running through my head.  Things like, why did Naruto hide himself away, why was he reading a children's book, why did he create a very irate clone, and why was said clone so damned angry in the first place.

Most importantly, why he had kissed my forehead.  Was he as bothered by what had happened between us as I had been?  Would he want something like that to happen again?  Even though it wasn't physically possible, maybe...

Maybe he would just hug me then?  I wish the I could control those desires that had been plaguing my body ever since his body found itself on mine. Where I had been _inside_ him.  The very thought was rather preposterous, yet every time it came to mind I would heat up to the point of nearly cracking my armor.  It was completely indecent, the things I thought.  I remembered clearly his jutsu, how he had turned into a woman after I had nearly killed him, the way he breathed my name while he...

I cleared my throat as my heart sped up at the memories.  It was simply not good to think of these things.  These thoughts were highly unproductive.  Pointless.

Yet I could not, for the life of me, stop them.  It was as though the more time that passed from that day, the more it embedded itself into my active thoughts.  Particularly when I was alone and had nothing else to occupy my mind from those errant thoughts. 

Perhaps, my body craved those sensations now that I had experienced them.  How horrifying if that were true.

Perhaps it was the concern over those thoughts that I had decided it was time to confide my secret in someone.  Unfortunately for me, I had decided this in the middle of the night and said person whom I desired to divulge was currently sleeping.  Like a boar.

On his side, mouth hung open and the most retched sounds coming from his mouth.  Sleep.  It simply was not a pretty thing to do.  Hardly dignified or elegant and I was a little glad that I did not partake in such behaviors.  Such a waste of time.  I shifted in my chair next to his bed as I looked at the clock.  It was four A.M. It was unfair that he sleep while I had such needs.

I stared at him, willing him awake.  If I woke him directly, he would be in a horrible mood and I would be unable to say what I needed to anyway. I needed advice. I needed to purge my mind of these thoughts I had about Naruto. I needed...

Well, as much as I hated to admit it, I needed my brother. It annoyed me.

"Wake up you imbecile, you have been sleeping for three hours, how much do you really need?" I said the words in a whisper, knowing the sleeping log before me that was known in the daytime as Kankuro wouldn't hear whispered nothings no matter what I had said.

Which for my teen years had turned into describing the ways that I would be dissecting him if I were ever given the chance. It amused me that he would sleep so soundly through such graphic descriptions, as well as the added benefit of staving my bloodlust which had been less controllable then.

I tapped my leg. Thirty minutes. I had been sitting here staring at him for thirty minutes. I was bored.

 _Seriously_ bored.

Wait. Was his dresser just a little _off_? Maybe if I... I wearily looked to Kankuro. Surely he wouldn't mind if I fixed it. I gathered some sand from my gourd and lifted up the offending piece of furniture for daring to be slightly askew. I set it back down and inspected it. Perfect.

But it made no sense to keep such a piece so far away from an area of changing. Like a chair, or a bed, or even some sort of seating area at all. I looked back and glared at Kankuro. It's placement was _highly_ illogical.

Fine. _Sleep_. I was going to fix this. I scanned the room and spied a bench at the foot of his bed. Let's see... It would make the most sense to place it near the entrance to his bathroom, but for some reason he had decided to put his bed there. That wasn't the best place for that. Not really. Why did he want to sleep so close to his bathroom, the smells...

It simply wasn't right. The best place for a bed was far away from light and other disturbances. Personally, the bathroom was a great distraction, not to mention how he could sleep after-

I shuddered. _No_. I was not going to think of that. There was a reason we all had separate bathrooms in this place.

I silently studied the room and decided on the unoccupied corner that I had once placed his bed before. I smiled to myself. Yes, that is where I would be placing it. It was a _mission_. A very important, class A mission that was self given. With a precise level of stealth I neared the subject. I reached my hand out and I carefully put my sand under his bed. This would be a hazardous operation since the intended victim lay sleeping within its confines. Yes, this mission of stealth was a dangerous one. One that I should fear. Physical pain, and the reality that my ears would be assaulted by immense and high pitched sounds would be the result of failure.

I _must_ endure however, as this room was simply irrational. He needed this. Whether he liked it or not. I gently lifted the bed and carefully, ever so carefully moved it to my desired location. Carefully...

Yes, _there_. I set it down gently, taking pains that it would not jar even in the slightest. It took minutes of slowly moving the sand away from the bottom of the bed, but the mission had been successful. I held my breath a moment as he shifted in his bed. It was too soon, I still had more to move...

His snoring returned and I let out a breath. Thank goodness, I could continue. I gathered my sand and moved it to the bench, not needing to be nearly as careful as before, only in need of being silent, and placed in next to the bathroom. I picked up the dresser I had adjusted earlier and set it next to the bench. There. I frowned. _No_. Not quite right. I brought my hand up to my chin as I studied it. It was so... Plain. Why didn't he have anything in this place other than a bench, a dresser, a hanging clock and a bed anyway? He didn't even have a nightstand. How in the world did he even wake up in the morning without some kind of alarm? I glanced back at the snoring person that was so annoyingly sprawled out in the bed.

Even I had more things in my room. Then again, I actually used it as a personal library and office rather than sleeping quarters, so I wasn't sure that the comparison would be a correct one.

Still though, there should be... _something_ else, shouldn't there? Yes. I smiled to myself as I studied the room. Yes. Yes, this would be fun. I moved the dresser again, sideways this time, and placed the bench sideways as well, leaving enough room to easily step through from the bathroom. A sort of changing area. It was lovely. A personal area for changing. He would like that I think. However, with such a large room the arrangement left it horribly bare. I had an idea though.

I slipped out of the room and made my way downstairs. The tower was a small one width wise, tall and held up by supports to the surrounding buildings making every floor a room within itself. I liked it because of my room in the top of the tower, it had a full view of the area surrounding it as well as the rooftop access which I used when I decided to be a little bit more like a normal person and not use my window. I disliked the stairs and would use the windows to maneuver the items between floors, but the people of Suna who might be out at this time might wonder why furniture was floating around the Kazekage residence. I really didn't wish to cause a public scene just because I got a little antsy with the inadequacies of Kankuro's room. _Again._ Though, was it _my_ fault that he kept changing my brilliant designs back into his somber excuse of a room? Hardly.

From different floors of my tower I gathered a small bookcase, some books because- let's be honest- Kankuro could use some reading material, and an alarm clock. He spent far too much time in his workshop and personally I thought he needed a new hobby. Maybe this time he would take the hint and actually read something, rather than use the books as kindling. Which was why I only grabbed books I didn't care about. I had made that mistake once. I almost killed him for burning the book, it had been a well read favorite and I thought at the time he might actually read it - not destroy it in a tiny bonfire he used to roast marshmallows. Though, I suppose it was my own fault for giving him a room with a fireplace, but it made more sense to give that room to him rather than Shinki. I really would not want to give that boy an excuse to set fires at his will. I smiled. Perhaps when I was done with Kankuro's room, I would break into his and do the same.

Maybe. He would get mad at me though. He locked it for that reason, as a reminder that he didn't want me messing with his things. He would be due back from his current mission in a week, maybe I would plan some time with him. We didn't have too much in common besides our love of different forms of sand and our time together these days usually just ended up in practicing sand manipulation in the form of contests.

I always won. I should not be so proud of that considering that I was competing against a child that also happened to be my son. I sighed and nearly dropped the things I was dragging up the stairs with me.

I really hated stairs, they made my legs ache. I preferred just jumping up to things or using my sand, _this_ form of travel was simply torture. Why had I decided to have this place built like that anyway? The height, that was why. I had taken the family home and grown it to the tower that it now was, not that it was all that small in the first place, but it still was too much a reminder. A reminder that I was not welcome there. In my mind I could see my Father glaring at me as I stayed with them for a few nights while Yashamaru was away on a mission. The way that my siblings stayed by his side with glares that echoed his.

The way that they smiled and acted like a real family when they thought I was in the guest room and not watching them from the top of the stairs.

It was a month later that he sent Yashamaru to kill me. I hadn't understood. Deep down I had always hoped that Father actually cared about me. Just a little. He gave me everything I could ever need, and who would do that if they didn't at least care?

But it was only a ruse, the pampering of me.

I groaned as I pushed the thoughts of him from my mind. Such memories were of no use to me. Back to the mission. My A rank, self imposed mission of goodwill. I set my face in determination as I continued up the stairs.

This room was going to be amazing, completely amazing by the time I was done. Kankuro would wake and sing me praises for the accomplishments I had achieved in the hours while he slept, proud that I could occupy my time while so many things were on my mind. Which was probably why I was doing this in the first place. No matter. It would still be the best remodel of his room to date, I was sure of it.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Kankuro woke with a scream. "What in the god damned fucking hell Gaara! My room!"

I stared at him from my chair, unfazed by his initial reaction. It had been expected. "Good morning Kankuro, did you sleep well?"

"Don't you dare change the damned subject you bastard! We talked about this!" He sat up in his bed, a glare pointed my way, as well as an index finger.

"Did we?" I couldn't stop the small twitch in my lip betraying my amusement at his reaction. My work was masterful. Everything was in it's perfect place, logical. The small bookcase I left as a dual purpose as a nightstand, and I placed a small desk behind the dresser with some carving knives I pilfered from his workshop.

The one place I learned that I should never rearrange. He didn't talk to me for over two months on that one _little_ occasion I had decided it needed cleaned. I still didn't see what the big deal was, but his silence was torture after a few weeks.

Kankuro growled at me, swung his legs over the bed, stood and pointed at me with as much angry animosity that could be poured into the act of finger pointing. "Why in the _hell_ do you think I removed most of my furniture? To stop this shit, _that_ is why. Do you know how many times I have had to rearrange this room? Way too many, that is how much."

"You could just leave it." I frowned at him. Did he not like what I had done? "I worked extra hard on it this time. Even brought you a work desk." I shifted my eyes to the desk behind the dresser.

He followed my gaze and sighed. "I tried leaving it, Gaara, but even you eventually get bored with your own designs. Just because you don't sleep doesn't mean you should take to shifting things around all the time. Damn." He walked over to the desk and picked up one of the carving knives with a frown. He turned to me and waved it. "You didn't rearrange my workshop again did you?" Panic ebbed its way onto his face.

Was that really that traumatizing to him? "I only took a couple of those. I tried only to grab ones that were copies." I frowned, "I only cleaned it once..." I trailed off, studying his face. He did not seem even slightly pleased with what I had done. "So, you dislike it?"

He set the knife back down on the desk. "No," He sighed, "I don't. This will be kinda handy to have in here, for the smaller bits like eyes and shit." He moved around to the little changing area and put on a shirt and pants. "Thanks, I guess. Just... You _have_ to stop doing this. It is annoying as hell to wake up in a different place than when I went to bed and everything has been moved. Seriously Gaara, you need to stop."

"I will stop." I may have answered him a little too fast.

"Uh huh. You say that every time, then months later, _this_." He swept his arm out to indicate his room. "Don't know why it surprises me so much every time, but damn."

I gave a small shrug and folded my arms. "Come to my room in about thirty minutes. I desire to have breakfast with you."

His eyes widened a little at my announcement. "Breakfast in private? You are cooking for me?"

I nodded, but stayed silent.

"So that's it then." He looked away from me. "I'll be up in a few, ok?" His tone became softer. He knew that I wanted to speak to him in private. It was the only time that I ate breakfast in my room. The only time I would cook for him was in the form of a small bribe.

"Kankuro." I stood, unfolding my arms and moving the chair next to the desk, just so and perfectly square. It would not do to mess up my work this soon.

He gave a small hum in response.

"Thank you." I left the room before he could say anything else. I disliked showing my emotions. They disturbed me to a degree, still, even after all this time living with him, with Shinki, with Temari. I wasn't sure how to express them correctly and most of the time I wasn't even sure what they meant. Hate, anger, they were familiar, the wide array of other emotions, the fine differences between them, I didn't always get them correct. Even now, when I was more open about such things. Twenty years, and I still wasn't able to express myself. It was sort of pathetic. I was just grateful that the people that I considered family were so patient with me.

I just wish I were better at it.

For Kankuro. Especially for Shinki, he deserved more than I gave. Maybe... Maybe I would try to be better. Ask him. Ask him what he needed from me as a father. Yes, perhaps that is what I should do.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I decided to exercise my full culinary ability in the kitchen for breakfast. Usually, the things I made would equal the things that I would be telling, and having an affair with a rival Kage was likely not to have a culinary equivalent.

He was going to be suspicious of me. I was after all, making salted tongue with cheese omelets, tomatoes filled with mutton and rice with an over easy egg on top, as well as muffins. For, who did not in fact like muffins? They were baked nicely, moist in the center and were almost bitter in the amount of dark chocolate I had used. Almost sweet, but not. One of the very few sweet things I indulged in occasionally. It reminded me a bit of coffee.

And coffee was a wonderful little beverage.

I used my sand to carry the trays up the stairs, my room being the farthest from the kitchen which was located on the second floor of the tower. Carefully I climbed, not wanting to spill my hard work. I had made Kankuro wait on me, breakfast had taken me an hour more than I had asked for. Hopefully, he had waited for me and I wouldn't have to go hunt him down in order to force feed him my delicious meal. I reached the top of the stairs and opened the door to my room. Thankfully, I would not have to search for Kankuro after all, he was sitting at the table that was in the center of my room reading something.

He was reading something? Well, that was new. I cleared my throat to alert him to my presence.

He pocketed the little book he was holding and moved to help me with the trays of food.

Wait. Little book? I didn't own anything that...

Damn him. "Kankuro, what were you reading just now?" I asked it as soon as the food was safely on the table.

"Why do _you_ have a little kids book on your bedside stand?"

I stared at him as he turned the question on me. I had no reasonable explanation for that. I had stolen it from Naruto in a moment of brief insanity, and for some reason I found myself reading the last page more often than I cared admit to. Maybe that is why Naruto had that book, because the words made him smile, even if they were not specifically written for him. "Please return it to where you found it, Kankuro."

He frowned. "Alright, that is not the secret you are in the mood to divulge today. So... Breakfast then. What you want to talk about?"

"I've done something." My heart raced and I took a breath. No, not yet, I was not ready yet. "Perhaps first you should eat." I eyed the meal I had made and only took a small omelet. This particular thing I had made for myself. Salted tongue was a favorite of mine, and I simply was not all that hungry in the first place. Not with what I needed to say.

He eyed the food before him as I removed the tops of the trays. "Tomatoes Gaara? Those are freaking expensive here, the hell? What exactly did you do?" He eyed me suspiciously as he took his prize for being my listening ear. "And why in the hell does something have to be deathly wrong anytime you cook anyway?"

"You tend to rant about my cooking when I do. It annoys me." I would not tell him that him singing praises on my cooking always embarrassed me and the reason I did it before our discussions was more because it built my confidence up enough to actually divulge what I needed to say. Which is why I had added the tomatoes, they were a favorite of his, and I needed the extra encouragement for this particular secret.

He frowned at me as he shoveled the first bite of stuffed tomato into his mouth. "Jeez, if you want me to be quiet about how awesome your skills are, I will."

I glared at him. "I need something to use for these discussions, I will not budge in my decision only to cook for you in this manner."

He groaned around another bite of food. He looked sad a moment, but didn't pause in his inhalation of the breakfast I had prepared him. I scrunched my nose up at the gross display in his lack of manners, but couldn't stop the odd wave of happiness that came from his moans and random comments that indicated his pleasure with my cooking.

Deep breaths. I could do this. I needed... I grasped my knees under the table after I had finished my omelet and squeezed them tightly. _Nervous_. My heart was racing, I felt hot and it was hard to keep my breath even. This wasn't exactly a run of the mill secret. It wasn't admitting that I remembered killing one of our ambassadors son's when he tried talking to me when I was eleven in a back alley during a social event. I had slipped back into the event afterwards and nobody noticed either of us leave. There had been a search, and I had kept the secret for years.

This wasn't about one of the many times I did something to piss off my son and needed him to clean up my mess so my son would not hate me. No, this was about something much greater. Something that would technically be considered an international incident if anyone found out about it. Something that I couldn't get out of my head. Something that, in spite of what had occurred beforehand, I could not bring myself to fully regret. I needed to keep Naruto as a friend and with what had just happened in Konoha, I felt that was still a possibility. But...

The memory of how he felt on my body was driving me completely insane. How could I deal with it? What did people do to control their bodies when such thoughts crept into their minds? _How would I get over him_? Could I be ok with how we were, after what had happened? Would I ever-

"Gaara." He had finished eating and he looked at me intently, his mouth thin.

I peeled my hands away from my knees, the scrape of sand could be heard as I did. I had been holding onto them a bit tighter than I had thought which caused my sand armor to fuse to itself. Deep breaths.

_I can do this._

I let my breath out slowly and decided that I couldn't look at him while I said it. It was too personal. Too indecent. Too... Everything. I studied the wall a moment as I gathered my courage. This was my decision to tell him. To not keep it to myself any longer. I should make it quick, like removing a stuck on bandage. "I have had an affair." My voice was tighter than I meant it to be.

I was greeted only with silence. I kept my eyes focused on the wall, determined to keep my resolve. I had said it. My secret.

Then it happened. He laughed. Loudly. Harder than I think I had ever heard him laugh before. I snapped my head to him and he was holding his hand up to his mouth, the deep rumbling of laughter making his entire body shake. Tears started to form in his eyes after a moment.

I growled. "Please, Kankuro, tell me what in the hell is so amusing?" I narrowed my eyes at him, and willed my sand to whip around the table.

He wheezed a bit as he fought to calm his laughter. "Don't get me wrong Gaara, but... You do _know_ what an affair is don't you?"

I felt myself heat up at the question. These things weren't exactly the normal conversations that we would have. Of course he would have his doubts. "Yes."

"Why don't I believe that?" He dropped his hands from his face, but his smirk remained, his face red from laughing so hard at my expense.

I frowned at him. He still didn't believe me. So be it. "An affair is when at least one member of the consenting party is wed at the moment when the two members engage in a sexual-"

"Ok, ok you know what in the hell an affair is." The smile left his face and he studied me for a moment. I stayed silent, unsure of what else to say to him at that moment. He leaned back. "I... I still don't get it though. How? I mean, you were clinically proven to be... Well..." He trailed off and looked away from me. At least he seemed as uncomfortable speaking about this subject matter with me as I felt.

"Incapable?"

He nodded and returned his eyes to me, but stayed silent. I allowed silence to set in somewhat relieved at it's presence.

After the silence calmed my nerves once more, I continued. "I am unsure of how to deal with... I don't understand how to..." I frowned. I still wasn't sure of how to ask him what I needed. "I never _reacted_ to a person before this."

His brows raised at that. "As in..." He raised a hand in a fist and moved his index finger upwards.

I swallowed and moved my eyes away from him. Vulgar.

"Hey, we can deal with this, ok? Who... Who was it with? Some girl from Suna? We might have to do some damage control, pay the husband off. I mean, this is kind of good news isn't it?"

I shook my head no. "No. Not someone from here. Konoha."

Silence. I heard the scraping of a chair and realized that he was standing next to me. There was a dark look in his eye. "When in the hell did you have time to screw some girl from Konoha, you barely have stayed long enough for a visit. Is that where you keep running off to? I thought you were off seeing Naruto."

I studied the woodgrain in the table. I wasn't ready to say yet. He already was mad that I had done this with a _woman_ from Konoha, what would he do if he found out the affair had been with a man?

Not only a man, but Naruto, the Hokage himself, that I had the said affair with?

" _Gaara_. I need a name." His voice was low.

I flinched when I felt his hand on my shoulder. My heart raced. "I can't... I don't..." Panic. Run away. Stay calm. _Breathe_.

He moved his hand from me with a sigh. "Gaara, I'm sorry, it's just..." the scraping of a chair, "this could be dangerous. The treaty was just signed, if the girl is from a major family..." A pause, " _Is_ the girl from a major family?"

I nodded, not ready to specify that the said girl was in fact a man. I had never noticed how lovely wood grain was before this moment. There was this little spot that if I looked just so, it resembled a person.

After another moment of silence he proceeded. "When did it happen?"

I swallowed. I couldn't say the name. I wasn't ready to admit it yet. But... I could... Maybe if I... "During that sandstorm we got stuck in."

"But there wasn't-" A gasp, " ** _NARUTO_**?" His voice was shrill and I flinched at the sound of it.

I nodded.

"But.. Wait. So..." I heard him let out a thin, long breath. "He didn't.. He didn't violate you, did he?"

This brought my attention away from the woodgrain in the table. I pursed my brows. What did he mean? "I... I don't understand." I blinked before explaining myself, "He somehow turned into a woman, and I lost control of myself." Simple, keep it simple.

He stared at me a moment. "So it was you who... Wait, did you say he was a woman? No... Dangly bits?"

"Yes, woman, no to the latter question." I was getting tired of this conversation already. What had I been thinking, confessing this secret to him? Had I actually thought it would be so simple?

He snorted and relaxed back into his chair. "Well, go figure, it was Naruto all along that would be able to get you to have _that_ sort of reaction."

His reaction at who I had an affair with was... Off. Unexpected. I did not understand it. "You are not angry with me?"

He shrugged. "Naw, I mean, a bit shocked maybe, but... _Naruto_? No, I am not angry about that."

"Why?" I wanted to know and I blanked my expression from my face, curiosity winning out over my nerves.

He smiled then, a soft warm smile that I rarely seen on his face. "He is the one that changed you, how _could_ I be mad that you would have those sorts of feelings for the guy? As long as he doesn't end up hurting you, I'm good with it. I mean, how could I not be?" He gave half a laugh, then his face fell. "What I don't get though, over everything, is... You let him _see_ you? After everything you put me through about that damned armor of yours?"

"He did not see me." He would _never_ see me, not if I could help it.

He stared at me a moment. "Then how did... Wait, I am not sure I really want that image in my head." He held out his hand fully splayed out in a motion that meant to stop that line of questions. "Do you plan on continuing it then? The affair I mean."

"I do not see how that is possible, Naruto is back to himself."

The look on his face was one I could not decipher. "You... You know that _guys_ can have that sort of relationship, don't you?"

Huh? "That is not physically possible Kankuro, do _not_ mess with me."

He shook his head a little. "Damn. It always amazes me. I don't know you do it."

I allowed the confusion to settle on my face this time. "Do what?"

"How in the hell you can be so horribly tainted yet so adorably innocent all at the same time."

I glared at him. "I am not adorable, you ungrateful idiot."

"Uh huh, sure. You freak out anytime I mention anything about my own endeavors, let alone the simple topic of it. Think about it Gaara, it took us way too long for you to accept the technical details of how human reproduction works, and you were in your damned twenties when we figured out you would never take part in that area of the human experience. Then again, we never dangled Naruto as a girl in front of you as bait either, so hey, what did we know." His face contorted and he smiled a smile I did not like. It was lopsided, slightly toothy, mischievous. Evil.

"Kankuro..." I wanted to end the conversation. I wanted to run. This was not good.

"Come on, think about it will ya? Sex between men and women is pretty straight forward. Men stick their dicks in 'em. Same with men, but it could go either way." The amusement in his voice was evident. He knew what he was doing to me, his vulgarity.

I choked at his words. "You are disgusting! Vulgar!" I stood up as I yelled at him. Why did he have to be so crude? "And stop messing with me! There is no way for men to-"

"Isn't there?" A low laugh came from him. "Seriously Gaara, stop being so damned naïve about it. I've done it before, you know. I don't just sleep with women, some guys are good enough to have squirming beneath mmph hmmum." I had covered his mouth with sand in a panic. No. I didn't want to hear it. He was lying. This was disgusting, impossible. He half glared at me as he pulled at the gag I had made.

"Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore." My voice was high, panicked. I was posed ready to flee, stopped only by my own morbid curiosity.

Impossible. Right? In my hesitation I let the sand drop from him and I stood frozen. I wanted to know. He was lying, I knew he had to be. Pursuing Naruto would be pointless. I didn't even know what he really wanted from me. _Pointless_.

Unless... Unless what he said was true. Was it possible for men to carry out _that_ sort of relationship, and would he even want to if were possible? "How?" My voice was low and I regretted the question the moment it had left my mouth. I stayed in my frozen position ready to leave if the information was too much. Too vulgar. Too... Well, _anything_ that Kankuro would normally say to anyone but me most of the time. Yet, I stupidly opened that door for him to speak that way to me. What had I done?

He kept his smile once the sand was gone, and allowed the room to fill with silence. The silence, his waiting, that horrible smile only served to make me even more antsy to the answer than I was before. I refused to look at him, embarrassed that once again there may have been another human condition that I had not been aware. Not to mention, the very thought that it was even possible to once again be surrounded by Naruto's intense and comforting heat made me highly uncomfortable and hot. I focused on my breath. I would _not_ allow my body to control me.

I was only a moment away from leaving and saving myself from my own bodily reactions to my thoughts when he spoke. "Teasing aside, Gaara, it really _is_ possible, and I wasn't lying about doing it myself. A few times, actually, just never told you about my boyfriends at the time. Only been a few, but they were seriously great lays... Sorry." He blushed a little and scratched his head. "You don't need to know that. What I am trying to say is..." He paused and narrowed his eyes at me. "If you even consider doing this, seriously going after him... You might have to eventually reconsider your whole 'hide my body from Naruto no matter what' stance. Sex usually needs a bit of nudity, and I really hope you never forget to get rid of that damned armor before screwing him."

I stared. My shock and guilt at his words must have been evident on my face because he in turn looked horrified. "My god, you didn't."

I looked away. "I... He..."

"That... Ouch, damn. I don't even want to think about that, it is way too much to even... No, I'm not even going to respond." He came up to me, put his hands on my shoulders, "No matter the situation, I am sure it will be ok. He would never do anything intentionally to hurt you. I am sure of that. But, as far as sex with him goes... Just think. It is awkward even for me to try and tell you the nitty gritty of it. Think, Gaara, what opening does a guy have that could be used for _that_ , down _there_?"

I was confused, he made no sense. "But..."

" _Think_ , Gaara." His face was completely serious. His brows were down, nearly furrowed, his lips thin.

"Men don't have... They don't..." I swallowed. What was he... My eyes widened in realization. Oh.

 ** _Oh_**...

I had to be incorrect about that. It wasn't sanitary, and how in the _hell_ would that even feel remotely pleasant for the receiver?

"So he figured it out then. Good."

"It wouldn't be pleasant."

He snorted. "It is, surprisingly _very_ pleasant. At least, I've never received any complaints while my lovers were-" No.

"Get _out_ of my room." Unfortunately what he said only made sense. It was horrifying. Terrible. Completely insane.

Yet... All I could do now was picture Naruto writhing beneath me as I... Oh no.

It started with the sound of cracking and I quickly covered my face. Hot. I was hot, too hot. This wasn't good. The cracking sound continued and I could feel the sand shift on my face as it tried to put itself back together to form my shield. Small areas of my face would occasionally get tickled by the cool air beyond my usual protection.

"Well, I'll be damned, he was telling the truth." The words were barely audible, under his breath.

I whimpered at my predicament, heat gathering in my stomach, tickling me oddly. " _Out_."

He smiled as I peered out from between my fingers, trying to hide the red that must be trying to peek out. "Now that is something to remember. The apathetic Kazekage, _blushing_."

I moved one of my hands outward, directing my sand to spear him through the gut, but he moved quicker than my will and was gone before I could try to attack again.

It was _possible_. The idea of it freaked me out, considerably, but it was _possible_. This was something I probably didn't need to know.

 


	30. Sanctuary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thiiiiiiiink I got all the Himaware/Himawari mistakes fixed. I think. I know for sure they are gone on Archive of our Own (Yay to the 'read entire work' option), and I think I got them all on Fanfiction, just not sure if I missed some on Wattpad, but I will be going back through to see if I missed any on that one as well. A giant thank you to Fights for not only catching it, but letting my blind self know about it so I could go fix it. Thank you!
> 
> For the fanfiction reviewers since I can't directly respond on that site:
> 
> To Every1's Beta- I am so glad you caught that line! It had been floating in my head since before I started writing that chapter and was so excited to finally get it in there, hehe.
> 
> As far as Naruto surviving- I don't want to fully give it away, but I rarely do sad endings to anything ;)
> 
> JJ- Yes, I am somewhat debating adding the 'Gaara spends the night rearranging Naruto's home while babysitting a sleeping baby' scenario to my list of one shot side stories, but I do imagine that is one of the reasons he wanted to keep his mind clear.
> 
> DBlade59- Naruto is closer to being a female than he is ready to be and simply hasn't acknowledged it yet. Yes, I would hate to be the one to explain the 'birds and the bee's' to Gaara, it must have been horrifying to him when he realized what all was involved hehe. I can't help but think Kankuro is simply promiscuous and has random flings with people. He never married, never is shown with any kind of significant other nor does he seem remotely interested in it, even stepping out of being a candidate of getting married during Gaara Hiden with the excuse that Gaara was the Kazekage and it was his job to get an heir, not his.
> 
> I also have added two new songs to my playlist to those who might be interested.
> 
> Lost stars by Adam Levine
> 
> Take it all by Sawyer Fredericks (The lyrics are perfect for this)
> 
> Anyway, enough of my long intro, reviews always inspire and I will try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible around my work schedule. Thank you all for reviewing!

 

**Naruto**

Neji refused to relax in the presence of our kind host and had taken to pacing between the door and the table where I was seated.  I however had been sitting at the woman's table ever since she offered me a seat, I was just relieved to be able to relax some and she didn't seem like a bad person.  Her eyes were kind, her smile genuine.  I'm not sure why, but it felt like I could trust her. She seemed oddly familiar, like I had seen her before. But where? "Say, how did you know it was me anyway?" I was curious. At first, I had been alarmed at the instant recognition, but I just didn't have the energy to continue to worry about it any longer and it seemed that Neji was worrying enough for the both of us.

She came from the kitchen holding a tray of tea. She was thin and elegant looking, her face painted perfectly in makeup. She was pale, almost surreal with her dark hair that framed her face. It was amazing how much she reminded me of Hinata. "Lord Gaara. He speaks often about you and he pointed out how he could tell the difference between you and your clones the first time he murdered one in front of me."

"Gaara?" I knew that he came to the Nara compound often because of Temari and Shikadai, but what purpose would this woman have in knowing him? She had a son, so it couldn't be that he was interested in her.

She set a small cup in front of me and began to pour, ignoring my question. "Your eyes. Bright and full of life, they warm the soul without a word. I studied that theory by studying the television when you made appearances, paying close attention to your eyes. He was right though. The eyes, they are slightly different." She smiled and sat down across from me.

There was a huff of air, "It is not possible to tell the difference between his clones, they are perfect copies of him." Neji's voice was a bit dry, his mouth thin.

"I hadn't thought so either, but he had been so sure, so I watched." She patted the table, "Please, sit down. The Hokage is a close friend to the Kazekage and I owe everything to him. I don't know why you are so nervous, but I can be trusted."

 _Gaara_ , she kept bringing him up. How was she connected to... Wait. I frowned as I thought back. It was her, the girl I often found him blabbering to when I hunted him down when he snuck into my village without me knowing about it. What _was_ she to him? An odd twist formed in my stomach as I thought about it. "He comes here a lot, doesn't he?"

Neji slowly took the seat offered and picked up the cup of tea she had poured him. "You know Gaara?" He repeated my earlier question with a bit more finesse.

A light blush reddened her cheeks. Oh sure, Neji she would listen to. I still couldn't get over how much reminded me of my wife. Ex wife. _Almost_ ex wife. She talked into her tea. "Yes, I know him. I would not be here if it were not for him, alive, living here, my son would never have been born. He is a very kind man, I am sure you will agree, Lord Hokage. Not many would."

I stared at her. Seriously, who _was_ she to him? "Yeah. Don't get me wrong, but who exactly are you? Gaara usually doesn't take to people all that well, and I think I remember him killing me a few times while he was talking to you. Am I wrong?"

Her eyes widened. "You... You remember what your clones do?"

I nodded. Too well. Sometimes I remembered what they did a bit too well. Like when they pulled Gaara from-

She sighed. "There is no use hiding it then. My name is Hakuto. I am not supposed to say, and it is dangerous for me to tell you directly. They have protected us well, the Nara's." She took a deep breath. "I was born into the Hoki family in a very prominent position. We did not live directly in Suna, but one of the surrounding areas closer to the border of the land of fire. They thought I would make a good wife to the Kazekage and set up a proposal on my behalf."

Oh. Her words made me remember what Gaara had told me in the cave just before... It was _her_. At least it made sense now. "You were meant to marry him then."

She nodded silently as she looked out the window where a small dark haired boy played in a sandbox.

Neji slowly relaxed with his tea and removed his glasses. "A secret, for a secret then. Naruto was unaware of your presence here, indicating that even admitting to who you are and your previous affiliations is dangerous not only for yourself, but your son."

She looked over to him. "Yes. I had already planned to be married to my husband when they decided that for me, so I made a plan to run. I had not, however, planned to actually care for the Kazekage. The rumors about him were so terrible, I had expected the worst, but... He seemed so gentle and..." She trailed off then turned to me and smiled. "If circumstances had been different, maybe I could have loved him. It saddens me that he had never tried again."

I gave a hum in response. I removed the henge on my hair. It wouldn't matter to keep it going, this woman had somehow figured out who I was just by looking at my eyes and I wanted to save the chakra for when I went back outside.

"Why only your hair?" Hakuto frowned at me.

She was referring to the henge. How different did I actually look anyway? All I had was that little mirror to look in. I mean, I noticed that my face didn't look quite so chiseled and masculine anymore and the bruising had even started to show there so I had to wear a little extra makeup. Neji had done it for me at least, he was a natural at it.

"It is the only area that he used the henge." Neji's voice was low. The other secret.

"But..." She leaned forwards and studied me. "But..." She stood up and nearly knocked her chair over. "The Hokage is a man, and... You..."

I sighed. I knew I was past Sakura's prediction of 'The point of no return'. How much did I actually look like a girl now? "Please sit down. It's why I am here. I need help from Temari."

Her eyes darted between me and Neji and she returned to her chair hesitantly. "You are with child. How?"

I froze. My eyes widened at her words, how could she even _know_ that?

She gave a nervous laugh. "Sorry, the Nara's use me as a sort of midwife in exchange for my being here." She poured me more tea, "I was trained as a medic before I defected from Suna. You are also starting to show, just a little. I thought it was part of your disguise but, since it was just the hair..." She trailed off, looking at me as her brows furrowed.

I stared at her, completely speechless, my hands moving down to my stomach. Was the baby already noticeable? My fingers softly caressed the small bump there. Had Gaara noticed? He had been pretty emotional when I had seen him. Maybe he was just-

"Can you check on the health of the child?" Neji leaned over the table, expectant.

"Yes, but not today, there is not enough time for a proper exam.  I do have tea with Temari on Tuesdays, I could do an exam then, if you will be around.  I helped Temari with her own pregnancy, then she with mine."

"Not enough time?" Neji frowned.

She hummed, "Temari should be coming home any minute.  She is the reason you were sneaking around outside isn't it? I can't imagine this is a secret you would share with her husband."

I nodded.  "You won't say anything?"

She smiled.  "No.  If you like, I can bring Temari here.  I can wait in the other room while you speak to her."

Neji put his glasses back on.  "No, we will go to her, though, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Neji..." I had no idea what he was going to ask, but we had already wasted enough of this woman's time.  I had been studying her during the visit.  She was kind, soft spoken and absolutely nothing like me.

She had also been close to marrying the man who I myself wanted to be attached to, to possibly marry myself. A life with Gaara, always near him. She nearly had that privilege. It made that weird knot in my stomach grow larger.

Jealous.  I think I was _jealous_ of her.  Why would I be?  I was a man.  _Was_ being key.  I hadn't had the courage in the past week to even look down to see what my body was doing, to see how close to being a girl I really was.

I just knew I felt... _Weird_.

"Are you ready Naruto?" Hakuto. Huh?

I blinked at her.  "Ready for what?"

They both stared at me.  _What did I just miss_?  "I'm giving you enough chakra to do a full henge into yourself.  He thinks it will be more suitable to your purposes."

"Huh? Oh, well maybe." I took a deep breath.  I hoped I could set up the henge before it depleted.  I have a nod.

She pressed her hands to my chest and I could feel the burn of chakra enter my body.  It hurt.

It really freaking hurt.  I couldn't stop the groan from leading my lips.  I ignored the concerned look on her face as I brought my hands up to form the necessary sign and...

Focus on what I used to look like, clear my mind if everything else.  Damn, it burns.  There.  I dropped my hand and caught my breath, I felt as though I had done a major training session or had been running for days without rest.

It was dang well ridiculous. "Well?" I looked expectantly at my two companions. One that was sorta me, the other the one I was sorta jealous of. What was it about her that Gaara liked? Did he have a choice or did they just assume he would be fine with her?

"You look the way you should look." Neji sounded annoyed and then looked out the window. "She will come soon I hope. I am unsure how long he will be able to keep that up."

"Every day at four she returns home give or take a few."

"The school?" He didn't look away from the window as he spoke.

Hakuto nodded. "I believe so. I think she has a special tutoring program for the younger students. To keep her busy."

"I see." He turned to me then. "We will wait for her at her home then. Come, Naruto. We must do this quickly."

I nodded. _Tired_. I was so dang tired. Follow Neji, need to move. Breathe. Damn, I am so freaking pathetic anymore. Hakuto said something that might have been around the lines of 'nice to meet you, Lord Hokage' but I wasn't entirely sure. I hadn't done a full henge in months, I had barely been able to pull off just hiding my hair. This though. This was freaking torture. Sedative patch or not, the use of chakra this required made my body ache, burn. I knew Sakura mentioned that my muscles and bones were tearing apart. Rearranging.

This would be the last time I would be doing this, given extra chakra or not. I felt sick. _Follow Neji_. Do not throw up. How long is this damned path anyway? Keep walking. Damn I hope she is home and just agrees to what we need her to do so I can get rid of this. _I can't feel my feet_. I clenched my hands, forcing my mind to go completely blank. Just walking down a short path in a henge was going to take me out. The _Hokage_. Naruto Uzumaki, defeated by a simple _walk_.

Hell no. I was stronger than that. I _needed_ to be stronger than that. Focus on Neji. Do not even dare think about the pain. This palpable exhaustion. Follow Neji. Keep the distance the same. I can do this. _Almost there_. Shikamaru's house, I could see it. Thank goodness, this torture was almost over. Just get there, come on Naruto you idiot, it is just a few more steps. Once we reached the front step I gave a laugh. Success! I did it, I actually did it!

I should not be so happy about being able to walk a small distance, but it still felt like a victory.

I really would have to step down as Hokage. If I couldn't even manage a small walk in a henge, how in the hell would I do anything at all for the village? The smile I had fell. The reminder of everything happening made my stomach twist in a way that made me feel more than physically ill. _Hokage_. My life's work. It was already gone. All of it. _Everything_.

My birthday would signify the last thing to go. _Hinata_ , my sweet beautiful wife would no longer be an Uzumaki. She would be going back to her clan and likely taking the kids with her. It was only two days away- my birthday. I gripped the little box in my pocket. Breathe. _Hope_ , I had to have hope that this was all happening for a reason. That I would have something to catch me before I hit the bottom of this insane rabbit hole. My thumb caressed the edge of the box. What had Gaara given me anyway? Focus on that, the one thing that made me look forward to that day.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of footsteps. Temari. Finally, she had come. Neji moved behind me some and I smiled the widest smile I could muster. Pain. Damn, even my face hurt. Hell, the smile didn't have to be a real one, just one that made me seem more like, well, myself. She stopped a few feet away and frowned at me. I waved, maybe a little too enthusiastically. It felt like my arm would fall off. Keep smiling, wave, don't let it show.

"Naruto?"

"Temari!" I gave a nervous laugh, "How are you? Haven't seen you since you came over for dinner before that first treaty agreement in Suna." _Since I forced your brother to be with me and made him a father_. I felt my face heat up. I was making him a Father. Because of me he would be...

"Are you looking for Shikamaru? He should have been at the office with you." Her frown deepened and her brows furrowed.

"Actually, I was looking for you, had tea with Hakuto while we waited." I twisted my lip up into a twisted grin. I needed this process to be quick. Take the hint. I knew a secret that was dangerous. Let me in. I was onto her.

"Hakuto..." She cleared her throat, "You were with Hakuto?" Her eyes widened, just barely, but I noticed the movement. "Maybe... Maybe you should come in?" Her smile was nervous and she rushed past us, her hand shook as she unlocked her door.

 _Fear_. The signs were always obvious to me. The reaction I got from most people since I was a kid even though I never knew the reason why. I knew that the simple fact that housing a foreign ninja in Konoha without consent was treason, especially when said ninja was supposed have been put to death. At least, I assumed that was likely why she would be here, and not where she had come from. She had run from Gaara and the possibility of a marriage with him. I was sure that he had something to do with her being here considering their conversations, but I doubted the council would have consented to her life here. Having such an act exposed would ruin the entire clan. Because of a favor to Gaara. Had she known me well enough, she would know I would never do anything to hurt Shikamaru, and definitely not Gaara. I disliked using such a tactic, but I needed her to agree to what needed to be done as quickly as possible. My hands were going numb. I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep up this illusion.

Temari held the door open for us to enter and I headed inside, followed by Neji. She shut the door behind us. "Would you like some tea?" Her voice was barely a whisper.

"No, we are fine." Neji walked to the table and motioned for me to come. I shook my head no. If I sat down I wasn't sure I wouldn't give in to my exhaustion. Standing at least forced me to stay awake.

"What do you want, why me? If you know about... Then why are you..." She trailed off as she went straight to the point, her eyes looking away from me.

"I need your help, and your discretion. I have found myself in a situation that nobody can know about, but I am no longer able to handle it on my own. My associate here," I pointed at Neji, "went through all the possible candidates and came up with you. You are not close to most of my existing friends save for Shikamaru, and you have connections to an allied village which will prove to be advantageous in what I will need in the coming months." Years of training to be Hokage, then being in the position itself, allowed me to learn the ways of political negotiations. The speech never felt natural, but it was necessary for what I needed at the moment.

She nodded but it was obvious she did not trust what I had said. "What do you need from me then?" Her eyes darted between us. Her hand moved to her hip, ready for a fight.

I almost wanted to laugh. For all she knew I was normal and could take her down if I so desired. Unfortunately for me, she could probably take me down just by poking my chest and pressing a little too hard. I groaned. "I have prepared a seal. I will need a guarantee that this will go no further than you. It will only activate if you speak to anyone about my health and condition. It will activate a memory wipe that will take all memory from the moment the seal is placed until the time it is activated and the memory will not return until April of next year." April, because that was the time that we both agreed upon that the baby would definitely be born by. It had been a heated argument, but we both conceited that we were not doctors and settled for the longest possible timeframe. Was it nine months exactly? I had no freaking idea, if it were then the baby would be born the beginning of March and April was an overkill. But, I wasn't sure and

"That is an oddly specific timeframe."

Neji came to stand next to me, disregarding her comment. "I will be the one preforming the seal if you so choose to accept the terms. This is a highly sensitive matter. You will only be able to speak of this to Naruto, his clones and anyone who carries the seal. Do you understand?"

I shook my hand, trying to keep the numb from spreading further up my arm. Almost done. I could stop this charade soon.

Temari eyed me warily. "His health.. I... I get it, but... Why you?"

Neji gave a small laugh. "That will become clear soon enough." He looked over to me as I started to focus more on my breathing and frowned. "Do you agree?" His voice pitched slightly higher than before.

She nodded, clearly confused. "For Naruto, if it is what he wants. To protect the clan. Because I owe him yet for what he has done for Gaara."

Gaara. All this was for Gaara. "For Gaara..." I knew my smile was gone. Honestly, I probably had started to look like a mess. How much was my henge already fading? Were my bruises starting to show? She was looking worried as she had said that. The tingling sensation had spread throughout my body, the numbness threatening to take over. Keep standing. Do not fall. Sleep is not something I should do right now. I wanted to. Sleep sounded so nice.

Neji had her hold out her arm and he quickly went through the signs of the seal then clasped his hands around her forearm. There was a slight glow and Temari gave a slight guttural whimper as it was applied. _Get it right Neji, you can do this_. We had worked too hard to get it wrong. _Everything_ depended on this seal working correctly. I needed help. Temari was who I had chosen. She was Gaara's sister. She was going to be my child's aunt by blood. She was the only one in this village that would have any vested interest in keeping this baby alive.

She was the only one that knew Suna's laws well enough that might be able to afford me a way in letting Gaara know about my predicament without forcing his hand in marriage. I didn't want that. Not to force him. Not if there was a way around it.

It was a breathtaking and absurd thought, marrying him, having him always near, raising our child together. But I would not force him. I couldn't do that to him, I _just_...

The tingles reached my head. I was going to lose my battle with my body soon. _Hurry Neji_ , I cannot keep this up. _Please_. My breath grew increasingly shaky as I struggled to keep breathing normally. Stay awake. Just a little longer, I can do this. I couldn't feel my legs, I was standing on sheer willpower. For Gaara, I needed this for Gaara. For my child. _Our_ child.

I felt warmth override the panic that had started to form. It would be worth it. All of this would be worth it if I could only get through this.

Neji gave a guttural groan and dropped to his knees, letting go of Temari's arm. "It is done. Naruto... It is all over. You can relax now." His voice was pained, tired.

It was done. I _t was over_. I gave a small sigh of relief and I went to release the henge, but found I couldn't move. "Nnnjii" Or talk. _Shit_.

I heard a high pitched ringing and the numbness moved to my head. My vision blurred then everything went completely dark.


	31. Temari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a little longer to proof than I had thought, ended up doing a ton of edits on it. I think it feels a little better now. Still, I am pretty proud of myself for getting this done around a full work schedule (yay!)
> 
> Reviews always serve to inspire, and thank you for all that you have left me. :D

 

**Naruto**

My hair tickled my forehead as it moved in the breeze. It was cool, comfortable. I hurt, but it wasn't too bad, for once. Tolerable. I didn't want to move. _Breeze_? My eyes shot open as I realized I was not in the relative safety of the library. Where was I? How did I get here?

A woman stood next to the bed that I was laying in, a look of complete disbelief on her face. Her eyes were like Gaara's but slightly darker, less haunted. How long had she been standing there? "Temari?"

"Finally, you're awake. Have me undergo this stupid seal, then pass out immediately without telling me what in the heck is going on. Not even like I can take you to the hospital to have you looked over." She waved her hand behind her towards the door, "Your little goon you brought along won't tell me what is going on either. Why all of a sudden you look like that, he won't say who he is and-"

A familiar voice interrupted from out of view, "Be quiet, you are irritating me. How is he?" Neji appeared in the doorway, still wearing his glasses. Personally, I thought his voice and dark hair was a giveaway, but he had also been dead for nearly twenty years so Neji might not be the first guess when it came to trying to identify him.

"Which is it, be quiet or tell you what I think?" She smirked at him, and continued when she received a silent glare in response, "Besides, how exactly am I supposed to know?" She pointed at me, "Awake, he is _awake_ , what more you want? I am not exactly a doctor here."

I snickered at her response. It was always obvious where she had come from. All three of them had terrible tempers, Kankuro and Temari being the closest in personality if one considered Gaara just tended to go from annoyingly reserved to being angry in a split second when he needed to be, there wasn't really an in between the two. I rested my hand on my lower stomach, cupping the bump that was there. Tiny. It had to be so tiny right now. I wondered if the child would inherit that temper. _Probably_. From what I had been told, my own mother had quite the temper and to be honest, I really wasn't a whole lot better either, especially when I was a kid. I vaguely remembered being referred to 'the one who rushes in and barks first' or something like that. I had been a bit angry at the time to know if I remembered what they had said back then was true or not. Bastards. They had killed _him_.

Gaara. He was dead, even then. I swallowed. No, I wasn't going to think about that. He was alive now, very much _alive_. Alive enough to have helped spark new life.

Neji groaned. "Naruto, you will be the one to tell her, I am not your lackey. I am here to help, but I think I have done enough. I can't help it, this woman is simple and far too vulgar for my tastes. At least with you awake I no longer have to put up with this. Naruto, you are on your own. Forgive me." Neji brought his hand to his chest, formed the two finger sign and vanished.

I gasped as I was flooded with a sense of calm and warmth when he left. He was back inside my mind, waiting to come out again when the time was right. I could feel it. He left himself a way out without me, I could feel him. It was kinda weird.

"Who in the hell _was_ that?" Temari's voice rose, "What in the hell is going on? I demand-"

" _That_ was _Neji_." I emphasized the words as I sat up gingerly. My body felt raw. Not as bad as before I had passed out, but still pretty gone.

She stared at me. "Neji?" She paused, "As in your wife's cousin?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, that one." I paused a moment, not sure exactly how to explain what he was. "Well, sorta Neji." I sighed. "Will you give me a few? We can sit and I can explain everything."

She stood silent a moment, a small frown creeped on her face. She sighed. "Yeah, ok. I am skipping my morning class for this, so it better be worth it."

 _Morning_? "What day is it? How long was I out?"

"It's October 9th, you were out for most of a day." She smirked, "Probably should have slept longer, you're in pretty bad shape, looks like." She headed towards the door, "I will make us some tea. Come out when you're ready, there'll be no interruptions here." She slipped out of the door with that, leaving me alone.

It felt a little odd, having contact with someone that I could trust. I hadn't purposely went to meet anyone since Sakura told me... Other than Neji. I wasn't exactly sure if he really counted as human interaction though seeing as he really wasn't all that human in the first place.

I stared at the door for a while after she left. Where exactly was _here_ anyway? I looked over to the window and watched the branches move in the wind. Probably somewhere in the Nara compound. The leaves had started to change color and soon would fall to the ground. The ending of a season, turning into a brief time of desolation, then spring would bring new life.

I smiled at that. Like me. I, like the forest of Konoha, would be changing like the seasons. In the same moment the leaves fell from the trees, my life that I had carefully and intentionally made for myself would be wiped away as though it had never existed. Someone else would become Hokage, someone else would find and fall in love with my wife and finish raising our children and...

What else was there? Was that all I had really done to make a mark on this place? Even without everything that was going on with me, with _Gaara_ , Hinata would have left me. Technically, she already had, a full year ago. I eventually would have caved under the pressure of being Hokage. It had taken every ounce of energy I had to keep the position anyway, if I really thought about it.

Then in spring, if everything went to plan, I would be in Suna welcoming new life into the world. In Suna. When had I decided on that move anyway? What would it be like to live in that place? As many times as I had been there, I never paid that much attention to the city itself. I snorted. No, when I was in Suna, I tended to have tunnel vision entirely centered around a certain red haired Kazekage. I'm sure I annoyed the crap out of him from time to time, when he decided to see me that is.

How in the _hell_ had I not figured it out on my own sooner? That I _love_ him so damned much? It seemed so freaking obvious now. The way I ached to see him any time it was a possibility, the way I would ignore everyone else I knew just to get him to talk to me whenever I had the chance to get close enough. I thought being Hokage would allow for more of that, but it was always just business with him. He was so good at being a Kage, always so...

 _Perfect_. I knew he wasn't, but it always felt that way to me. He seemed so flawless, in control and at ease, that it came so easily to him. Even before the war, before I dragged Sasuke back, before I was married, I heard people refer to him as a political prodigy. He _was_ good at it though and he always looked as though he thrived in being Kazekage. I sat up in the bed at the sound of a whistle coming softly beyond the door. Tea. Temari was making us tea.

I would have to tell Temari. I swallowed. Well, maybe not all of it, not yet. The major stuff first, let her get used to the idea of me being a powerless pregnant chick, then bang! Drop the bomb that it was Gaara who fathered my baby. She was protective of him, maybe even more so than Kankuro, and she would know.

Know that I had done something to Gaara for this to happen.

Then kill me in a blind rage for daring to corrupt the pure innocence that had been Gaara.

Well, at least I hoped she _wouldn't_ kill me in a blind rage then think about the consequences after the bloody massacre had already taken place. The family of the Kazekage were well known for their tempers after all. I reached up to the little necklace that I had worn for so many years. What was the point of it now? Wearing that little thing that was meant for someone who was supposed to be Hokage. I had done my piece, helped bring peace to the world and now, it was time for me to retire. Find my happiness. Right?

Maybe...

Maybe I should figure out a way to get this thing to Sarada. She would be a good Hokage someday. She had the drive, that spark in her eyes I once had. Maybe, she would be better. I smiled. Yes, I would give it to Sarada. She had the Uchiha perseverance, the fiery stubbornness of her mom. She wouldn't be the next Hokage, but maybe the one after that. The ninth? After Konohamaru, that stupid kid always wanted the title, always said he would take the spot after me. Heck, technically, he was the one that was sworn in while I lay passed out at home because I was taken down by my own little Himawari. Sweet little thing was pretty dangerous, even then. A prodigy, like her uncle.

I swung my legs over the bed and stood with a slight groan. I was sore. The extra chakra that had been pumped into me hurt more than I would have thought, using it had hurt even more than getting it. I wouldn't be able to do that again, I couldn't chance it. I grabbed hold of the dresser for balance. Even with the chakra from someone else, my body just couldn't handle it. I tightened my grip on the dresser. I was procrastinating. I knew my talk with Temari had to be done and be done soon. I just... I wasn't ready. No more ready than I had been to tell Gaara. How in the hell would I word it? Could always blurt out the situation in the most simple terms. _Hey Temari! I screwed your brother after wishing I was girl and now I'm pregnant and it might kill me._

No, I had to be a little better than that. I sighed and peeled my fingers away from the piece of furniture I had rooted myself to. Now or never I guess.

My steps were slow, as though I were going on my own death march. Temari would kill me. She would pity me. She would think I was a freak and make sure I never saw Gaara again for using him in such a horrible way. _Or_ , she'd do what Neji insisted she would and simply understand after the shock of it all wore off and just settle for helping me.

I didn't really believe him, although she did have more personal experience with people _like me_ than most and likely wouldn't want me dead on the grounds of 'getting Kurama out of the way'. I didn't think so anyway - not like the average person would.

At least, probably not. I don't think. I mean, she wouldn't... Would she?

Naw. I'm just freaking myself out. It will be fine. Deep breaths. _I can do this_. I paused just outside the room as though the entrance to the hall could hide me even though the doorway was an open one. Temari looked up and frowned at me from her place at the small table she was sitting at. Where were we anyway? This place was much smaller than her own house. "Hey, Temari." My voice sounded like a high pitched squeak and I gave a small wave. I groaned at myself. Not nervous at all. _Act normal._ I cleared my throat. "So where are we? I don't recognize this place."

Temari remained silent, her eyes that resembled Gaara's so much were fixated on me. Staring at me. Maybe it was a family thing? I swallowed, wondering how many times I would wake up to tiny eyes staring blankly at me in the future. Maybe that is why they were so good at politics and Suna insisted on having them as their leaders, they would just stare down people until they caved. I know Gaara had done it on more than one occasion, and the stare didn't just get _me_ to sign documents I wasn't ready to sign- the other Kages fell for it too.

I was doomed. If this kid inherited that, I would have difficulty saying no.

How long was she going to stare at me like that? I decided if she was going to just sit there and stare at me I might as well be sitting down and drinking tea. So I went to the table, sat down and poured myself some. I took a sip and 'mmm'ed into my cup. Gaara had mentioned once that he only liked his own and Temari's tea. I could see why. As many times as I had visited Shikamaru, I don't think I ever just sat down and had tea while I was there. I was always too busy, too distracted to do anything but work.

When _was_ the last time I really just sat down to relax for a day? Before all this happened? Years. I think it had been years. Even the small moments I had etched out for myself while getting ready to be Hokage were clouded with paperwork, studying and lectures. An afternoon with my son - paperwork all night long at my home office. Buy Himawari a gift- sit through hours of meetings. Political prodigy, I definitely was not - it never came easily for me. It had taken years of studying and practice before they ever decided I could even handle it. It was exhausting, but it was my dream.

Seriously, how long was Temari going to sit there and stare at me? I glared at her, I couldn't take it anymore. "Say _something_!"

She blinked at me, her mouth opened a few times then shut tightly. She took a deep breath through her nose. "You're a _girl_."

It was my turn to stare. How much _had_ I changed? I knew my chest had grown a bit more, but I hadn't gone full girl yet, had I? "I..." I looked around me a moment to see if there was an obvious bathroom, but there was none in sight from where I was sitting. _Mirror_. I needed a mirror, and not just a small hand mirror that only showed a tiny portion of my damned face. "Bathroom? Where is it?"

She pointed silently down the hall I had come from.

Figures. "I will be back in a sec, okay?" I didn't wait for her to respond as I headed to my destination as quickly as I could, which wasn't all that fast considering I was still so freaking sore, and entered the room. The light was off. I hesitated before flipping the switch. Was I actually ready to see? Why had everyone seemed so put off by what they seen? I wasn't ugly was I? If I was, how would I seduce the all too good looking Kaze-

No, do not allow that thought to continue, Naruto, _you are here for a reason_. Deep breaths. All I had to do was flip on the light. I would see, if I could just flip that little switch. Why was it so difficult to move my arm?

Because I was _afraid_. Afraid of losing myself. Afraid of becoming a girl, of losing my masculinity. I knew it was happening, but I hadn't seen. If I seen it, it would become more real. Too real. I was still coming to terms with being pregnant. That I was somehow carrying a tiny person inside of me. I was finally ok with it, even a bit happy about it. This tiny person was becoming my whole world without even stepping out in it yet.

Come on, it's just a damned switch, stop being a baby about it. I moved my hand out to the shadow that was the switch and with a quick motion upwards I flipped it on. I squeezed my eyes shut. Well, one thing down, now I would just have to look. I let out a shaky breath.

I opened my eyes. To my left was a mirror, a much larger one than I had seen ever since all this started. _Point of no return_. That was weeks ago. I should look, see what had changed since then. The physical changes seemed to be happening more rapidly than before, the bruises that were appearing all over my body was proof of that. I wasn't sure why it was speeding up again but...

I _needed_ to see, even if I didn't want to. I stepped in front of the mirror, looking down. I swallowed down my nerves and looked up. I was still wearing my makeup. I should... I should remove that. I looked around for a washcloth and found one in a drawer in the cabinet there. I turned on the water until it was warm and wetted it. I brought it to my face and moaned into it. _Hurts_. Why did everything on me have to hurt so much? I dreaded running out of my sedative. It was only making the pain tolerable lately, ever since I had run out a couple days ago.

I breathed into the fabric and slowly rubbed the gunk off of my face, hissing at the action. The worst part of wearing the filler was removing it. Even when I was normal it stung. Now though... Yeah, it was best not to focus on it. This was it, the last time I would be able to do this. If everything continued progressing the way it had been, I could be completely bound to bed in a few weeks.

I hoped not, but that is partly why I needed Temari. I needed to live. I needed to survive. For the baby. For Gaara.

I froze. For _Gaara_. What... What would he do if I died doing this? Would he be ok? Would he want our baby? I remembered that Gaara's own mother had died while giving birth to him. If that happened to me...

If I...

He would be able to love the baby, wouldn't he? My breath caught in my throat. I knew it was possible, dying. I knew that I might not even live to term considering how my body was reacting to everything. Sakura had looked terrified at what my body was doing. I had seen the fear there but I had only focused on her words. The baby was my only concern and it remained my only concern. It was a little disconcerting how little my own life mattered to me at the moment. Sure, I wanted to live. Sure, I wanted to see this little person grow, to see what they would be like. But first, I had to make sure that it would live, even if it meant I wouldn't.

I understood now. Understood why my parents died for me. Why Gaara's mom left her spirit with him to protect him. I would do everything, _everything_ , in my power to do the same for my baby. I lowered the cloth from my face, my fear for what I would see feeling somewhat insignificant at the moment. If I had to change to ensure the baby would live, so be it. Bring it on.

I glared at myself in the mirror. I... Was me, but _not_ me. It was hard to describe the exact differences though I noticed my chin was softer, my cheeks a little fuller, my lips slightly more plump. My face was covered in deep purple bruises, as was the rest of me from what I could see. Damn, no wonder I hurt so bad. I stepped back from the mirror a bit to look at myself. For a girl I was a bit stocky and had no curves. I poked at my ribs. Well, they felt solid.

That sucked. _That meant_... I groaned. That likely meant they hadn't been affected by the wish yet. Though... I brought my hands to my chest. I was right that they had gotten bigger, but... I would probably need a bra of some kind. They weren't all that big, but big enough. I had boobs. Go figure that. I squeezed them a little and winced. They were very, _very_ sore. A handful. They were heavy already.

Maybe that would be good enough? I frowned at my earlier thoughts of wanting large jugs. No. Just... _no_. Seriously, this was good enough for me. "I wish they will stay this size." I whispered it, hoping that whatever power was out there would listen to me. I wasn't sure I could handle more than what I was seeing, feeling.

I... Really did look like a girl. My hair was still the same length, I still had the frame of a guy, but I was getting softer, my muscles were less defined. I scooted back until my stomach was in view. I smiled as I turned sideways. I lowered my pants just a little and lifted my shirt some to expose my little bump. It was strange. It was smooth, obvious from that angle and round. There were bruises around it, and I dropped my shirt when my seal pulsed visibly a moment.

The baby was still draining Kurama's chakra. I pulled my pants back up a bit. Well, between me looking more and more like a girl everyday and the bruises, no wonder everyone gave me that shocked look.

Well, the makeup at least covered the bruises. Temari might freak out when she sees what my face fully looked like. I sighed. It was time. She had given me enough time to compose myself, no more putting this off. I looked once more in the mirror. _Weird_. It was kind of like I was wearing my henge for my sexy jutsu on just my face. I had been pretty close actually, how freaking weird.

I turned, clicked off the light with a heavy sigh and headed back out to Temari. Her eyes were already focused in my direction when she came into view and they widened when they caught sight of me.

"What in the hell happened to your face?"

I winced. I knew she would notice, but damn that was quick. "It's been that way, jeez Temari, settle the hell down." I frowned at her and resumed my place at the table.

"Will you, I just, the _hell_ , Naruto?" Her confusion was evident in her voice.

I picked up my tea and sipped at it. It had gotten a little cold from my time staring at myself in the bathroom, but it was still oddly delicious. I would have to ask her to teach me how to make it. I stared down into my tea for a second as I realized that half the reason I would want to know is so that I could make it for Gaara if I had that opportunity. I set the cup down and smiled at her.

"Naruto?" Her voice was softer this time, laced with concern. I didn't really know her all that well, in spite of Shikamaru being one of my closest friends.

Hell, he _was_ my closest friend, really. He was going to kill me for all of this once he found out about it. I sighed. "Hinata annulled our marriage, its going to be over tomorrow. All of it... Over." Well, that wasn't how I planned on that conversation starting. I hadn't even been thinking about it, at that moment anyway.

"She... How does that pertain to your face? Your... being a damned girl? Wait... Did she beat you up or something? She does have that creepy style of hers..."

I glared. "She isn't creepy!" Habit, "She is perfect how she is, leave her alone." _Habit_. I was actually pretty damned mad at her at the moment. I groaned as I noticed Temari's eyes widen. "Sorry. I just... Hinata has been my wife for so long and..." I leaned back into the chair, thankful for the support the high back gave me. "Everything is weird, Temari. I am losing everything, you know? Tsch, it's like I just am standing there while everything I ever wanted and dreamed for just slips out of reach."

"Everything...?" She frowned. "I'm not sure I am following."

I sighed. Where to start? I frowned. Well... "I'm just going to start from the beginning. The basics. Hinata filed for annulment a year ago with her clan and never bothered to mention it to me until like two freaking weeks ago. No, instead, she wanted it to be _me_ to suggest it. At least, I think that is why she didn't say a damned thing for nearly a freaking year. A _year_ , Temari." I took a breath, "Anyway, she found out about this stupid wish jutsu and hired a lady to use it on me. Well, I am stupid." I raised a hand and pointed a finger up in the air to emphasize my point, "Which is something my own wife should have known. But, unfortunately for _me_ , she believes in me more than she should. Turns out, I fell in love with some guy," Purposely omit the name of said guy lest she kill me, "and didn't even know it. Pretty dumb, huh?"

"You... Fell in love with a guy?" Her voice was a bit deadpan.

I snickered at how much her reaction so far reminded me of her brother - said guy I fell for. "Yeah. Not important but Hinata knew about him though. The day that I was set to meet the woman under a guise for a mission assignment, she asked me a really weird question and well..." I trailed off, remembering that terrible fantasy of him pinning me against the wall and felt my face heat up.

"It made you think of him when you made your wish then?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it was an accident. I had forgotten about the wish and... Well, who would believe it was a real thing anyway? Wish jutsu? I mean, how weird is that?"

She nodded silently. "It does sound a little far fetched."

"Exactly, which is why I hadn't thought about it. I should have. I... I had a fantasy about him, accidentally wished it came true. I'm so damn weird."

"It came true then?" Her voice was still eerily calm.

I nodded. "Yeah. Turns out, if your wish makes you happy, it goes permanent. Figure that."

"You actually wished to be a girl then? I thought you were kind of a 'guy's guy'."

I laughed. How much did Shikamaru talk about me anyway? "You could say that, yeah. All this, it is freaking me out a bit, I have to admit."

"If you... If you didn't wish to be a girl, what did you wish for?"

I took a breath. Don't mention the name, give the rest. "I had a fantasy, where the guy would pin me and.. well, _that_ , while I was a girl. Weird fantasy. I was alone in my little apartment in my tower and joked an 'I wish' out loud. I didn't really mean it. But... But when it happened... There was this moment and... I wanted that moment to last. It's weird, but the wish had turned me into a girl at the time, so for it to last, _well_..."

"It is making you a girl."

I nodded, my face heating more. It was embarrassing. All of it. I had given her a simpler version of events, but it was enough, and she thankfully didn't ask me to elaborate on anything. Not that I wanted to give her any of the sordid details of what I had done with her brother, even if I didn't fully remember it all that well. It was the feeling, the heat, how he smelled, how he felt... I took a deep breath, I hadn't even told her the rest yet, about the baby. "I'm pregnant." I blurted it out before I lost my nerve.

She stood up then, her eyes wide. "I... _Seriously_? How?"

I glared at her. "You don't think I just fantasized about being _hugged_ do you?"

She stammered, "I... But you're a guy! You _were_ a guy, I mean, you didn't have the..." She looked a little panicked.

I smirked, then frowned. If _she_ freaked out this much at the news that I was pregnant, how would Gaara react? She didn't even know who the father was yet...

She sunk back down into her seat, her eyes still wide, shock still lightly etched onto her features. "I... I'm sorry, it's just, that isn't exactly the secret I would have thought you were trusting me with." She leaned back in her chair, "I get it. I get why you came to me. But, what about Sakura?"

I frowned. "She wanted me to end it. My pregnancy. She thinks... I _think_ she thinks it might kill me. The baby is speeding up my transformation so that I can carry it, at least that is what she said."

She stared at me again.

"What?" I frowned at her.

"You... She can't. It's..." She took a breath, "They _allow_ that sort of thing here?"

I blinked a few times at her. "They don't in Suna?"

She shook her head. "No matter the circumstance. Every baby is a possible soldier. We kind of have a backwards way of thinking, but... Well... Especially after Gaara took to the streets as a kid, extra life was pretty important."

I furrowed my brows at her statement. "What do you mean, when Gaara took to the streets?" I had a feeling I probably shouldn't ask.

"You know... You do know that he was a..." She took a breath, "There is a reason the people of Suna love you Naruto. You were the only person to make Gaara _live_ again, and I don't mean when he was kidnapped."

I leaned forward a little. That again, I didn't get it. "Why does everyone say that? Everyone thinks I did so damned _much_ for him, he even says so, but what in the hell have I ever done, really? I didn't do anything. Not really."

She sighed. "You weren't there back then. You felt his desire to kill when he was here when you first met him. He was like that every day, in Suna. He had no barriers. No reason to care. Just kill. Constantly kill."

I swallowed. I never really had thought about that. I knew he wanted to kill people, but... How much had he really done?

"Naruto... Before you, the amount of missing people in Suna was around a thousand. Reports of the missing flooded in every week. There was a reason my father wanted him dead. After you, the number stagnated, our people stopped disappearing. Everyone knew... Knew what had happened to them, the missing, but..."

I felt cold. Thousand? Had he really... Had he really been _that_ bad? "He... Didn't just kill people in battles?"

She looked away from me. "Everyone. It didn't matter who they were, if they annoyed him, then..."

I swallowed hard. No wonder. No wonder he was so haunted by it, so thankful for a reason to live beyond what he had been living for. I sighed. It didn't matter. Not really. They had made him that way. I remembered what he had told me once. The details of it were never necessary. I never asked, it didn't matter - what he had done, how much blood he had spilled, how many lives he had extinguished in his quest to have meaning. "They wanted a monster though, didn't they?" My voice was bitter, the words tasted the same.

She snapped her head back to me. "I..." Her face relaxed, "I sometimes forget, you and my brother are more alike that way. You have a demon too, it is hard to believe after seeing what it had done to Gaara."

"The people here didn't try to kill me, they just freaking ignored me. Like I didn't exist. Don't get me wrong, I think they wanted me dead, but it turns out the Hokage had a protection order on me. Go figure. I can't help but wonder, if that order wasn't there, if I grew up knowing about him, Kurama, if I would have been the same." Why was I telling her so much? Maybe because she was _his_ sister. Maybe because I just needed to tell someone, _anyone_ , about everything and she was just the unlucky recipient of my needs.

She smiled, not a happy smile but a sad one. "Have you told him yet?"

I moved my hands to the tea cup. Told _him_? Heck, I hadn't even let on that I was turning into a girl let alone about my wish. I gripped the cup tightly, nervous at the uncertainty that my future held. For all I knew he would hate me for this, for lying to him, for hiding what had happened. No, I hadn't told him. "No." My voice was hoarse, the single word housing all the emotion that lay in my chest. Love, worry, panic.

"Who else knows?" She sipped at her tea.

"Sakura. Just Sakura. Hinata knows about the wish, but not its entirety. She knows something happened, but she doesn't know _exactly_ what happened."

She bit her bottom lip and sat silently, watching me. After a few minutes she gave a small nod. "I will help you." She set her cup down and smiled at me, a real smile. "It is pretty amazing, that out of everyone in the village, you chose me."

I returned her smile, relieved. For now, she didn't need to know the other reason I had chosen her. Not yet.

That she was Gaara's sister.

No, that would come out soon enough. For now, her support, it was enough.


	32. Birthday part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the reviews everyone! Sorry, but I am not revealing what Gaara made until the next chapter. This one was getting so long that I decided to split it up because so much is going to be happening on his birthday. (Also didn't give myself much time to proof it, so hopefully there aren't too many mistakes in it) I have a full workday today, but then I have the next two off so hopefully should be able to get a bunch done on this.
> 
> Trust me, Moonprincess, my life is somewhat consumed with this hehehe. I find myself writing in every spare moment I have. I also think Temari is perfect as the go-between supporter. Not only is she the only one living in the village that knows Gaara better than anyone, but I would imagine her 'shock' value would be a little more dull than most just because of who her little brother is and what she likely had to witness from time to time growing up around him.
> 
> JJ, yes, we are getting closer to when everything goes crazy. I am excited to get to the end of this and it is getting closer and closer before I transition to the second part of the story. :D
> 
> Nanigirl- thank you for taking the time to let me know you are enjoying my story, I do appreciate receiving those reviews as well.
> 
> As always, your reviews inspire. :D

 

**Naruto**

The rest of Temari's visit went by without another word until she went to leave. "Naruto, I want you to stay here, in our guest cottage until we can figure out what happens next, okay?"

"Guest cottage? I don't remember you guys having one of those." It made sense though. Out of the way enough for me to be close by.

"You don't exactly come around much, Shikamaru said you never really came over this way much as a kid either."

I frowned. She was right, I hadn't. It always seemed... Weird. I came to the Nara compound once while we were still at the academy, and his family was so...

 _Perfect_. It kinda annoyed me. Made my heart ache in a way I couldn't explain, made my home feel a bit more empty that night than I remembered it being. So I didn't go back.

I couldn't. "Yeah, guess you're right. So, I'll be staying here then?" It wouldn't be so bad. It was slightly bigger than my old apartment had been, and it had a real bed and a kitchen so I wouldn't half starve myself when I couldn't make it out. Somehow, I had the feeling that Temari would make sure that wouldn't happen anyway. Odd, how I felt so comfortable around her so quickly.

"Yeah, I think it's best if you do stay."

I gave a small nod and moved my hand down to where Gaara's little box was. Should have been. Was _not_. I moved my hands around my person, hunting for the edges of the little box. Where was it? My movements became more frantic. Seriously, where?

Where, in the hell fuck _was_ it? Wait. Pants. I was wearing the outfit that I had packed for myself before heading out of the library. What happened to the dress I had been wearing yesterday, and why in the hell did I not notice until just now?" "Temari, what happened to my clothes I was wearing when I came here?" The words were rushed and full of worry. I needed that box. Gaara had given it to me, it was mine. For my birthday. I _needed_ it.

She stared blankly at me. "I... I don't know. That guy hovered over you until you were settled into bed here. Maybe he put your stuff in the dresser or something?"

I turned from her and rushed as quickly as my legs could to the little bedroom I had woke up in. Dresser. I needed the dresser. I threw the drawers open one by one, tossing everything out as I searched for it. My box. I needed my box. "Come on, Neji, what in the hell did you do with it?" I moved to the closet and started going through that. Box, box, needed my box. Small, grey gift box that I needed for tomorrow. Gaara had given it to me. _Gaara_. Where in the hell could it be?

"Naruto! What the hell?"

"I can't... I can't find..." It was getting hard to breathe, I couldn't think. I had to find it, I just _had_ to.

Hands clasped around my shoulders tightly. "Look at me Naruto, breathe, it will be ok. Trust me, ok?"

"I can't-" My breath came in a wheeze. My throat was tight, can't...

"Look at me, Naruto. Look at my eyes, focus on it. Clear your mind, it will be ok. We will find it, everything is fine. Focus on my eyes, come on." Her voice was firm, her grip tight.

I did as she asked and looked into her eyes. They were a deep teal, bottomless. It was always odd, looking into eyes like those. Like Hinata. Like Neji. Like...

Gaara. Box. Needed- My whole body shook a moment and I realized that Temari and jarred me a bit. I could... I could breathe. I trembled, my nerves felt a bit raw but my mind was at least clear. "I'm fine, Temari, you can let go of me."

Her hands dropped from my shoulders and she gave a small sigh. "Thank goodness. Gaara was never that easy to calm down."

 _Gaara_. "I... He is why..." I took a deep breath, "When he was here last, he left me a gift for my birthday, I can't find... I need to find it."

Her eyes widened slightly. "He what?" She frowned slightly.

"He gave me a gift. I can't open it until tomorrow." I moved my eyes around the room hoping to see some sign of where in the world Neji might have put my little present.

"What is tomorrow?" Her small frown didn't leave her face.

I froze. Seriously? I frowned at her and narrowed my eyes. "You're married to my advisor and you have no idea when my birthday is." I sighed.

"Oh, sorry! I didn't... I mean, why would I know?"

"Will you help me find it or not? Tomorrow is going to suck enough and I don't want add losing Gaara's gift to me on the list of 'terrible shit that happens on October tenth' this year."

"Naruto?"

I sighed and brought my attention back to her. I didn't say a word to her though. I just looked. I felt... _Defeated_. It was the only word that I could use to describe what I was feeling. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I would be alone again. My life would officially change, legally. It was just another thing that was ending.

"My brother, he..." She trailed off, an odd look shadowed her face and she looked away. "He usually isn't one who gives gifts, I will help you find it. It must be special, for him to give you something." She turned from me and headed out of the room. "Keep looking in there, I will try the living room. What is it?"

"A small grey box."

I heard her footsteps leave and I resumed looking for my gift. Neji, _you bastard_. How dare he hide something that meant so much to me? Not to mention, I couldn't find my pack either. He hadn't unpacked anything. Everything I had pulled out wasn't mine, it was just spare linens and random clothes.

"Naruto! I think I found it!" Her voice was excited, brighter than it had been all day.

I abandoned my search immediately and followed the source of Temari's voice. Just off the small kitchen was a small breezeway and I seen Temari holding up a bag. I groaned. Had he really just dumped my stuff in the breezeway? What if whatever was inside was freaking fragile? This was Gaara, what was in that box could be _anything_. It could even be alive. I snickered. Well, it would have been if he had left air holes in the box. I sincerely hoped that isn't what was in it. Happy birthday Naruto! A tiny corpse, just for you!

As gruesome as that would be, I think I would still find that oddly heartwarming, because well, _Gaara_. He wasn't exactly couth at anything that was normal human interaction, but hell at least he tried.

Temari fished a tiny little box out of the bag, a grey one with a little card attached. "Yup, I found it alright. I would recognize that handwriting anywhere." She smiled, headed back into the kitchen and set my bag on a chair. She looked like she was about to shake the little box and I snatched it from her before she could do it. If Neji hadn't managed to damage whatever was inside of it, I wasn't about to have her do it.

" _Mine_." I held it close to me, pouted out my bottom lip and narrowed my eyes at her.

She laughed. She laughed _hard_. "My god, you're as much a child as he is." She wiped at her eyes. "Sorry, it's just that you just reminded me of my kid brother. Don't think he will ever grow up."

I blinked at her. Kankuro? Well, I could see that, I guess. He freaked me out though, those puppets... A small shudder went through me. With any luck I wouldn't be at the receiving end of those when he found out I had my way with his precious little brother.

She ruffled my hair. "Hey, stop looking like you seen a damn ghost, kid. Everything will be fine, you'll see." She winked, a smirk on her face.

"I'm not a kid." I still just stood there hugging my little present to my chest protectively, not at all being convincing at proving her wrong in the slightest.

"Uh huh, sure. Now, don't you dare open that thing till I come over tomorrow. I wanna know what he got you. Normally he writes about these things. Consider it a payment for me helping you out."

I frowned. "Payment?"

She laughed, "Exactly. I could have just dumped you somewhere to rot you know. You barely have any energy and last I knew there is a very annoying copy of you sitting in your office. Don't know the story behind that, don't need to know unless you wanna tell me, but my husband has been complaining about him nonstop for over a week."

I stared. Was my copy really being that bad? I sighed. Maybe. Then again, it never took much to get Shikamaru to complain about something. "Sorry."

"Call if you need anything, ok?"

I nodded and she left without another word. I had my gift. I was in a safe, warm place that would be secure enough for me to hide out for a couple more weeks. Just over three more weeks. I could do this.

I had to do this. I had help now, it wouldn't be that bad, would it? I put my gift on the table in the center and sat down to stare at it. What was in it, I wonder. I placed my hands in my lap and just looked at it, studied the pattern that was etched into it, studied the grain of the paper, the way the letters were scrawled out on it. My lips twitched upwards. I had found myself studying the little thing ever since I had found it. Tomorrow, I would find out what was inside. Tomorrow, I wouldn't be as alone as I had thought. Temari would come, she told me so. I didn't know her all that well, but she was actually pretty cool. I couldn't believe how easily she had taken my news after her original freak out.

Maybe she could teach me how to be a girl. I frowned. Or not. Maybe Gaara wouldn't want me acting like his _sister_ if we... Ended up like... I felt my face heat up. It was like I couldn't stop thinking about him. That little box didn't help with that either. My hands travelled up from my lap and onto my stomach, the motion was quickly becoming a bad habit. It was as though I needed constant confirmation that there was a baby there inside that small bump on my abdomen. "My sweet little one, I will protect you and so will your Aunt Temari, I am sure she will." I softly rubbed over the skin as though it could hear me. Maybe, Hakuto could tell me what it would be. Could she do that? She mentioned she was sort of a midwife...

I sighed as realized how tired I was getting again. It had only been a few hours, but I was ready to sleep again. With a small yawn, I tore myself away from my little box Gaara had given me and headed to the bedroom after grabbing my bag. I got ready for bed, pulled on a t-shirt along with a pair of frog boxers and crawled under the covers.

Tomorrow I would be divorced. Tomorrow I would concede fully that my old life was over. Yet... For some reason...

It didn't feel so bad anymore. The dread I had been feeling ever since Hinata told me about our annulment was gone. Purging to Temari made all this feel real, feel...

Like it was what was meant to happen somehow.

I smiled to myself. Tomorrow would be a new _beginning_. I closed my eyes. Tomorrow, I would confess the last of it to her. She needed to know. That this sweet little one would either be her niece or nephew. I breathed in through my nose as my body started to feel as though it were floating, allowing my mind to go blank, welcoming sleep.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"Hey idiot! Wake the hell up will you!"

A weight fell on my chest and I woke with a 'oomph'. "The hell, Temari?" I rubbed my chest, "That fucking heart, you jackass." I bit my tongue the moment the words left my mouth, regretting them immediately. Temari. Girl. Aunt to be. Be freaking _nice_ Naruto, _idiot_.

"Don't care, get the hell ready. You have exactly fifteen minutes to look as much like someone other than yourself, so lets get to it, you will have time to wake up after we are done, got it?" She was rushing around frantically looking for some clothes. "Why in the hell don't I have something that looks like it came from Suna? What is wrong with me?" She threw her hands up in the air and scrambled out of the room muttering out a string of comments around the lines of 'well, because you never expected to be trying to pass the damned Hokage off as a Suna woman, of course you wouldn't, My life is over, He is too smart I'm never going to pull this off-" On and on like that.

 _Wait_. Did she say she was going to try passing me off as a Suna woman in that tirade somewhere? "Temari? What in the hell is going on?"

She came back in carrying some white curtains and tossed them on the dresser next to the door. "Screw it, I am going to have to fake my way through this." She turned to me. "You want to know what is going on? Everything! Just in case you didn't know, it happens to be the damned Hokage's birthday."

I rolled my eyes at that. "So? Not like I ever celebrate it much."

"Oh, but Shikamaru happens to be avoiding him like the plague today. He called me this morning, said he was going to be home early because Naruto was being 'more troublesome than usual'. Wouldn't happen to know what that is all about would you?"

I shrugged, "Probably because my annulment of my marriage to Hinata is finalized today. Probably as we speak if it hasn't already been." I sounded a little more down than I had meant to, a pang centered itself in my heart at the words.

"That's... That is today? Seriously, on your birthday?" She calmed down a bit as she realized the significance of the event. "Damn, that's rough."

"Part of the process for annulment I guess. I mean, I know about it, but never actually looked up the procedure or anything. When I got married, I really thought it was going to be a forever thing." My vision blurred and I wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Crap, the time! We don't have time for you to feel sorry for yourself right now, we need to get you dressed, get makeup on you and in some sort of ensemble that looks like it could be from Suna. Up with you!" She motioned me to stand up and I did as she said.

"Why do I need to wear makeup? Aren't I supposed to be in hiding?" I was confused, tired, sore and...

Damn it, it was my birthday and I wanted to open my freaking present. I did not want to go waltzing around with makeup on with some sweaty dress and scarf on because Temari wanted to parade me around for some damn reason.

"You are in the guest house which means that by having the lights on last night, the fact that there was someone there was noticed. My wonderful husband pretends that he cares about the people I house in there and always insists he meet my friends who come to visit. Also, it is Tuesday and I have to have tea with the girl that is down the path from here. It is also my night to host a Nara family dinner, and damn it I don't have time for this! Hands up."

I raised my hands and she yanked my t-shirt off of me and groped at my chest. I squeaked. "Pervert!" I swatted her hands away from me.

"You don't have a bra, I need to figure out how to make one really quick, and I don't have time to measure you, idiot. I have no interest in that sort of thing, calm down." She grabbed something from the pile of cloth on the dresser and started to make cuts on it. "I will make you a better one after today, but for right now it will do, ok? You ever wear... No, never mind that would be a pretty dumb question." She took out a needle and thread and started to sew with a speed that I only thought a professional would be capable of. I watched her work in awe. "I learned to sew when Gaara agreed to come live with me. I practiced by making him this long red coat that I thought might look good with his coloring. He has had me make similar coats for him ever since." She came over to me with a weird looking bra like contraption. "Arms up."

I complied. "So you make his coats?" Memories of the shredded piece of fabric passed through my mind and I felt even more guilty about it. I hadn't seen him wear one since. Maybe I could have her make a new one...

She hummed as she tied the bra like thing around my torso until it pressed tightly onto my sore chest.

I hissed as it did. "Does it have to be so tight?"

"If you don't want it falling off it does. Your regular bra will be better, this is just enough to keep you from being indecent is all." She stood back and sighed. "Your boxers can stay on I think. Hold still." She grabbed my bag and dumped it unceremoniously on the bed and rummaged through it until she found the other dress Neji had bought for me when I started my charade.

"No way, no way in _hell_ you are putting me in that thing. I think Neji bought it as a prank, it isn't happening. Just... _No_." I backed away from her, already beyond uncomfortable with the thing that she had strapped to my chest.

She smirked at me. "You're going to, and you are going to enjoy wearing it, Naruto, so help me." Her tone was dark with intended threat.

I swallowed hard. I didn't have the stamina, the chakra, the energy to fight her on it. I was doomed. "Can't I wear the other one?"

" _Nope_." She inched closer with the offending piece of clothing.

Another step back. "Can we talk about this? Do I really have to leave the cottage, can't you just say I have some disease or something?"

"Hold still."

I squeaked as my back hit the wall when I took another step back. This was some kind of sick joke. I wasn't just some girl, I was the freaking Hokage! Technically. One Naruto Uzumaki, and I didn't wear tight fitting dresses that showed way too much. What if I was still too much of a guy? It would be indecent! "Temari-"

"Just shut up and accept your fate, this is _going_ to happen. I am not going to deal with my husband's temper tantrum just because you don't want to show off that you are pregnant. He won't even know it's you. Hold the hell still."

Show off that I was pregnant? "What do you mean by that?"

She pulled the dress over my head and situated in on my body, tugging at various bits until it was snug and secure. I felt naked. She stepped back with a smile and eyed the makeup on the bed. "that will do." She reached over and started to apply it to my face, starting with the whisker mark filler. After a couple minutes she gave a small hum and grabbed something red from the pile of stuff she had brought and placed it on my head, careful to cover all of my hair. Strands of hair tickled my nose as she did- a wig?

This was too much. But... At least I wouldn't have to henge hair this way. Would it even look natural? At this point I just let her do whatever she wanted to me. She poked and prodded until every part of me was sore and covered in makeup to hide the bruises, or covered with some sort of cloth. She cut off the obvious bits of the white drapes she had grabbed from the other room and swiftly formed them into something that resembled the traditional neck garb from Suna.

With a small smile she dragged me to the bathroom and stood me in front of the mirror. It... I... "Temari, I..." I didn't look like me, not whatsoever besides my eyes. She had even colored in my eyebrows with some makeup to match the red hair she had plastered onto my head. The transformation was amazing. "I don't know what to say." I was pretty. She had made me look pretty, prettier than even my own sexy jutsu ever had been. She had evened out my skin tone, given me a light blush and painted my face to the point that it resembled how Hakuto had painted her own. The wig came down just past my shoulders and the dress...

The dress wasn't as revealing as it looked just by holding it up. The material was a bit stretchy and with the neck fabric covering my chest partly, it actually was flattering. It also showed off the one thing nobody other than Sakura knew about me outside of the two women who resided in the Nara complex.

I was pregnant. Obviously pregnant. The dress hugged my lower abdomen and almost accentuated it as if to show off what was there. I brushed my fingers across it, smiling absently at the thought of showing off my baby. Even if I had to pretend to be someone else in the process, it was almost a freeing sort of feeling.

"He got you a maternity dress. It is meant to show off your condition." She smiled from behind me. "You are actually happy about it, aren't you? The baby that is."

I fully cupped my abdomen with both hands and looked down at it, just visible beyond the white of the neck piece. "Yeah, I am." I looked up at her. I wanted to tell her, tell her about Gaara and his part in my pregnancy. I wanted her advise, I wanted...

I just wanted to tell someone. It was starting to eat me alive, this secret. It was so heavy I could hardly breathe. I just wanted to shout it out, yell out my love for him, tell the world I was going to have his child and consequences be damned.

Well, that desire was a little weird. Maybe it was the dress. Maybe it was because Temari was literally standing inches away looking at me with that freakishly weird expression that reminded me of one of those old movies where a mad scientist just made his creation come to life. What the _hell_. It was irritating. I dropped my hands away from the baby and groaned, willing my emotions to settle down and be more normal. "Let's just get this over with, ok?" I huffed and pushed past her.

She giggled at me and followed.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Twenty minutes. I had been sitting at Temari's dining room table drinking tea for fifteen damned minutes and there was still no sign of my damned advisor.

Damn him.

Why was I sitting here anyway? Was it really necessary that I 'meet' Shikamaru in the first place? I couldn't see why. I growled into my cup wanting nothing more than to go back to the guest cottage and get out of these ridiculous clothes, peel the damned wig off of my freaking head and wash the absurd amount of makeup off of my damn face.

"Chill, will you? Your better half is probably being a jerk to him."

I felt my muscles tense at that and I stared at the table. "He thinks he personally aborted the child." I said it low, feeling as though I needed to explain why my clone was being so much of an idiot to her husband.

She gave a small hum and sipped her tea, thankfully not responding to my words beyond that simple acknowledgement.

I fiddled with my hair, wondering what it was made out of. Was it human hair? I blanched at the thought, imagining Temari standing over some poor girl with long red hair with a pair of scissors demanding everything she could spare, a wild glint in her eye and an evil smirk upon her lips. I swallowed as I tried pushing that particular image from my mind. She wouldn't do that.

Would she? I slowly brought my sight to her as she calmly sat across from me drinking tea. How much tea did she drink in a day? She was planning on having her friend over later... Wait. It was Tuesday, that somehow sounded familiar. Hakuto! Hakuto would be coming over and she could give me a better exam, make sure my baby was ok, if I needed to do anything different to make sure that it would continue to be ok. I found myself smiling. It would be an interesting day, that was for sure. A busy day and I smiled up at Temari. Awkward as it was sitting in her house in a full pregnant woman disguise, I realized that the would be keeping me busy all day. My heart skipped a beat at the thought. It probably wasn't really necessary to have me meet Shikamaru, or have tea with her friend that she didn't know I had already met. She didn't have to go out of her way to keep me busy on my birthday, she could have just left me in bed and allow me to sulk all day.

Instead, she went out of her way to make a disguise for me and bring me into her home. "You... You didn't have to do this, did you?" I had been to sleepy to argue with her before. Had she not caught me just as I woke up I likely would have fought her a lot more about all of it.

She gave a soft smile, shrugged and sipped at her tea.

"Thanks, you know, for dragging me out today."

"Couldn't help it, when you sulked the way you did yesterday, you reminded me of my baby brother. I had to do it." She sighed and looked at the clock. "Normally he appears at the exact second he says he will. It has to be your double keeping him."

"A couple of months ago, he arrived two seconds early, I was sort of amazed."

She laughed, "You noticed that too then?"

I gave a small laugh and was about to respond to her when the door slammed open followed by a tirade by a voice that sounded far too familiar.

"That stupid, arrogant idiot! I can't believe he would do such a damned asinine, completely idiotic, stupid-" He gave a guttural growl. He came over to the table and fell into the chair closest to the chair. He gave a sigh and looked over to Temari. "Well Temari, he has done it, he has gotten on my last nerve and next time I see him, I am going to kill him, Hokage or not."

She nodded her head my way and he turned to follow the direction. His eyes widened for just a second before he threw his thumb over my way. "Who is that?"

"It's uh..."

"I'm..."

We exchanged a brief look. We hadn't discussed that, what I would call myself. We spoke in unison in a brief panic-

"Naru-"

"-Maki!" My eyes widened in hopes that the slip up wasn't noticed, or at least not to the point he would figure out that we had just literally spliced my name, her nearly saying my first name and I saying the end of my last. Great cover, damn I am an idiot.

He frowned at me. "Naru.. Maki? That a single name or two?" His eyes narrowed a little.

I cleared my throat and worked at softening my voice so it wouldn't be quite so recognizable. Shikamaru was the smartest guy in the village. If anyone would figure out my identity, it would be him. Though, Hakuto didn't seem to have an issue with that. "Single name, Narumaki. Sorry, I'm just nervous."

"Suna?" He was back to looking bored. I gave a small nod and he returned his attention to Temari with a shrug. "Troublesome. Temari, you need to stop bringing your random friends over from Suna, just because we have the cottage doesn't mean we can keep skipping over the rules." He sighed. "This, also pertains to you, so listen up, I don't care that you're from Suna or not."

Temari frowned. "What is it Shikamaru? Something happened." She set her tea down, a serious look on her face.

"The numbskull we call our Hokage did something incredibly stupid. I was going over the paperwork your brother signed when he was here a week ago. Seems that idiot purposely pushed his buttons, irritated Gaara enough he didn't read through them. Idiot. I can't believe..." He groaned.

I sat silently as I listened. My mouth felt dry. What... What exactly did my clone even say to Gaara? It couldn't have been good. Memories of him breaking down in front of me at the library came to mind. What... What did I do?

"There was a clause in one of the lines, buried in the middle of the document that holds all ties to Suna. It will take months to undo it, and we will have to have him come back and sign the amended contract and... Damn this is way too much work. I should have known he would do something stupid like this considering the mood he's been in."

"Does this clause concern any of my family?" Her voice was low, almost threatening.

"It pertains to a certain member of your family, namely your little brother, the Kazekage himself, Gaara. I can't tell you how much this sucks. I have to cut you off completely from today on out. Just in case."

She slammed her cup down. "Will you just tell me what in the hell is going on and what he had my brother sign already?"

He sighed. "Fine, whatever. There is a small clause that states all trade agreements would be nullified if anyone at all from the leaf village mentions anything about our Hokage, Naruto's health or personal matters to the Kazekage of Suna, Gaara for any reason. This includes all channels of communication including letters, videos and from word of mouth. We will have to have a complete communication shut down until this matter can be fixed. That means you can't even tell this to Kankuro. We will have to have the council directly come up with a null before even being able to communicate the circumstances to the Kazekage. That alone will take a couple of weeks."

I stared at him. I wouldn't. I couldn't have done something so stupid.

I would have though, had I been forced to have my baby removed in such a way, obviously. I brought my fingers there. It really was beginning to become quite the habit, touching my stomach why my baby was growing in me.

"I will have to call Kankuro."

Shikamaru nodded silently. "Just remember what you can't tell him. The shutdown starts tomorrow, so get what you need to say out of the way." He pushed himself away from the table and stood up.

I did the same. If there was any lingering doubts on my identity, the fact that this dress showed off my pregnancy would come in handy. Temari was right about it. "It was nice to meet you sir." I bowed my head a little, remembering the small greeting from Suna with the times I had gone there.

"Yeah, nice meeting you." He raised his hand up and gave a half twist of his wrist in a small wave. "Oh, and Naruto's birthday cake is going to be delivered here, he is being an idiot and locked himself away so you and your friends might as well have it. Your tea date is today, right?" He threw the words over his shoulder and was fully out of the room by the time he was finished talking, not even waiting for a response before I heard a door shut.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out the apology.

She shrugged. "Not like I can talk about it anyway." She pulled up her sleeve and pointed to the small design etched into her skin. "Just have to warn Kankuro about me not calling him for a couple weeks. We usually talk a few times a week. Gaara on the other hand, isn't exactly the best with phones."

I smiled at that. "No, he really isn't. I'm not either. We have called each other on a few occasions and it usually is just us breathing at each other for a few minutes before we end it. I prefer letters or talking to people directly. Mind kinda goes blank the moment I'm holding a phone or something. Can't stand 'em."

She shook her head. "Ladies and gentlemen, our Hokage, can't even use a simple telephone."

"Shut up!" I wadded up a napkin and tossed it at her.

She giggled. "Sorry, couldn't help it."

I sighed and drank on my tea feeling oddly content.


	33. Birthday Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just stayed up until 5:30 in the morning to finish this thing. @_@ So very tired. I hope I proofread this thing well enough hehe. Anyway...
> 
> So much happening in this chapter! It took me forever to get through one of the scenes, got a bit of a block and ended up cleaning the house and dragging branches around the yard until I figured out how to get the effect I wanted. Still not sure I am entirely happy with it, but heck, two days of working on a chapter is long enough for me lol.
> 
> JJ- Yes, clone Naruto has massive issues going on. Naruto will likely get over the Sakura thing eventually considering their past, and he tends to forgive her for the stupid things she does trying to protect him so I want to keep in character of course :)
> 
> Most other questions... Answered in this chapter! It was super exciting for me to write, and I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire.

 

**Naruto**

I watched Temari as she talked on the phone with Kankuro. I had decided to just watch and somewhat listen in as she had made her call, not wanting to think. Thinking was bad for me. I would either think about my annulment, my failing health or Gaara and all three options tended to freak me out a little bit. So, instead, I listened. She spoke with her hands as she did, half yelling into the phone at times.

"I know two weeks is a long time, you can make it, you aren't a baby."... "Need me to hold your hand while you talk to Shinki about it?"... "You jerk, take it back! I'll come there if I have to!"...

I looked out the window as she continued her conversation, her words partially registering in my mind. Something about Shinki and missions. Something about Shikadai and how much he was like his lazy good for nothing father. I smirked at that, a warmth was in her voice when she had said it. They were probably the most solid couple I had ever met, happy. Why couldn't I have had that with...

I brought my attention back to Temari, my mind going in a direction I really didn't want it to go. "Yeah, I have my friends over today- yes friends. One is here now."... "What do you mean I can't handle more than one friend at a time?"... "That only happened once!"

What happened once? I smirked at the conversation they were having. Kankuro and Temari were always such a contrast to Gaara. They would always bicker and Gaara would just stand between the two stone faced...

Temari sighed. "Fine, have it your way."... "He fixed you tomatoes?"..."Seriously? What in the hell did he do this time? I don't think he has ever gone as far as tomatoes before."

Tomatoes? What in the hell were they talking about over there? I leaned in a little closer.

"The kid killed my teacher in front of me in cold blood once, I highly doubt it could possibly be _that_ shocking."

Shocking?

"Uh huh. Yeah I know he has a weird thing about him. Uh huh."... Temari froze in place, her eyes widened, " _HE WHAT_?"

I froze and stared at Temari. Please tell me Gaara didn't...

" _How_?"... She groaned, "I know how _that_ works, you moron, I mean Gaara, how did he-"

I swallowed. Yup. This was it. I slid out of my chair. Maybe it would be good to just head back to the cottage? For just a few minutes of course.

I could see her hand shaking. She must have been seriously pissed off. "I see. So..."..."Waiting then."..."I think... I think I need to let you go. That was just a bit... much."..."Yeah, ok. Talk in a couple weeks."..."Tell Gaara I am thinking of him, kay?"..."Yeah, you too."

I had found myself at the end of the table rooted in place, listening in to their conversation. She would kill me. She knew Gaara better than most would, better than me, really. I just understood him better than she could. But...

Now I was going to be a dead man. Woman. Girl... Whatever, damn.

Temari dropped the phone on the counter next to where she was standing, it landing with a small clack as it hit the wood. She had a very odd looking expression, one I couldn't really read.

"Hey, Temari, we can talk about this, right?" I leaned back onto the table a little, needing the support. I didn't know what would happen, but it couldn't be good. I suddenly remembered why I usually avoided her, she scared the hell out of me.

She calmly walked up to me and placed her hands on my shoulders, like she had the day before. "Why?"

I blinked. Why? Why what? "Temari?" I was feeling uneasy about what was going to happen. I steadied myself, bracing for impact. A hit, a punch, a kunai. Heck, damn well _anything_. But that look, it didn't seem angry. It was weird. What the hell?

"Why didn't you just tell me it was Gaara? Why would you give up everything for him? Just... Why?" Her eyes searched mine, her eyebrows pursed upwards slightly.

"I..." I swallowed. She _knew_. She knew about what had happened, why was she... Why was she acting so confused?

"You... You're in love with him, _Gaara_. He is the _guy_. You..." She moved her hands down and pulled me into a tight hug. I was frozen in her grasp. This... This was definitely weird. She stood there for a while, hugging me tight to her.

"Temari?" I couldn't move. I was confused. Why wasn't she mad? Why wasn't she trying to kill me for tainting her baby brother? I didn't get it. I just didn't get it.

"It's weird, all of this is weird, I know. But... With you, it might be possible." She finally stepped back from me, a soft smile on her face.

"What?" I was skeptical of her, still expecting her to lash out any moment.

"I think you could make him happy."

 _Happy_. Could I do that for him? Could people like us ever reach that feeling, really reach it? That question, it was what started all this. That moment, laying with him alone, I had felt it. It had been amazing, just _being_ with him. Her reaction to all this was confusing the heck out of me. "Do you think so?"

She gave a small laugh. "You are _pregnant_!"

I blinked. Well yeah, that was kind of obvious, I was seriously confused. "You already knew that..."

"But... I didn't know that the baby was _Gaara's_." She half squealed, "Oh, I am going to be an Aunt!" She looked as though she would jump out of her own skin before she took a deep breath. She stayed still a moment, a shadow passing over her face. "Nothing will happen to you or that baby. You don't need to worry about it, Naruto, I will do everything I can to protect you. You are carrying precious cargo, Naruto Uzumaki, the only blood descendant of Gaara, the fifth Kazekage of Suna. For us, the line is as good as royalty. Not only as a high ranking officer of Suna, but as Gaara's sister, you have my word."

My vision blurred. Did she... Did she really just accept me so easily? Did it not bother her what I had done? That I was a guy? Well, more or less, but _still_. I felt the tears fall, the coolness from their tracks tickled my face. I was confused, relieved but still confused.

She really was going to help me. She would help me figure out a way to tell Gaara. She would...

I felt numb. It was too much, I was dizzy. My legs wobbled some and she caught me. "Are you alright?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I think so." She guided me back to my chair. I sat there a moment in silence before asking her the question that had been bugging me ever since her open acceptance of me. "Why are you being so nice about all of it? I took advantage of him..."

She sighed. "Mad? Because you were able to get Gaara to do the one thing nobody thought he would ever be able to even do?" She paused, a small frown forming on her face, "Unconventional, I do admit that. But... How could I not accept what happened, what you're trying to do? I don't have a choice in it, not really. You are giving up everything, you are willing to sacrifice your health to give my little brother a _child_. A family. Because for some reason, you fell in _love_ with him. I have to do my part in that. Give him that chance." She poured me more tea. "So, _yes_ , I am being nice about it. If you had simply done it for your own benefit, if you held no remorse for what you had done, then maybe I would be mad."

I stared at the tea. I wasn't sure how I felt about her being so okay with it, I wasn't sure how I felt about how much she already wanted to protect _us_. So I changed the subject. "Your friend that's coming over, it's Hakuto, isn't it?"

Temari gave a small nod, her eyes narrowing a little.

I gave a small smile. "She knew. She knew almost immediately who I was." I paused as a twist formed in my stomach at an image of her standing next to him entered my mind. Hakuto dressed in a white bridal kimono, makeup like Hinata had worn on our own wedding day, and Gaara, dressed in a traditional hakama smiling down at her- that small almost ghost of a smile that I always craved to see. The thought made me sick. "She was going to be his wife, wasn't she?"

"There was a possibility of it."

I sighed and looked up to her, only a little bit more confident about not crying again, the pang of jealousy I felt at my own mental image helping with that. Wait, she told Neji... "Temari!"

She jumped a little at my exclamation, I must have yelled it without meaning to.

I rubbed the back of my head with a small laugh, "Sorry, heh. Anyway, with Hakuto coming over," I took a breath, "She told me she could do an exam. Would you be ok with it if she did? It wouldn't be a bother would it, I just want to know if it's ok. I could reschedule or something if it isn't or if you-"

"It's fine, Naruto, just remember I can't say anything directly to her."

I frowned at her. "Why not?"

She held up her arm and pointed to the spot where the seal was.

 _Oh_. Right. "I'm sorry, about that, about... Well, everything so far."

"Don't be." She gave a small smile, "If it was only to make you comfortable enough to tell me that you're having my brother's baby, then it's worth it."

I swallowed. "So... You really are ok with Gaara being the father?" It felt a bit weird saying out loud. Gaara was the baby's father. It was almost a relief, to get it out there, but it still felt a little weird to fully acknowledge it. I was sure that feeling would fade soon enough.

She nodded slowly. "Yeah." She smiled, "Honestly, I am glad. He really wasn't on my list of possibilities to your baby you know. He was clinically proven incapable when he was given another chance at marriage, her father wanted proof that it would be a fruitful marriage. It was... _Eventful_ , to say the least."

"Eventful?"

She groaned. "I had to explain to him how babies are made." She deadpanned the sentence into her tea.

I scoffed. " _Oh_." I thought back and wondered when his odd form of teasing had started, always border lining towards a more sexual kind of theme, but I never thought anything of it. It was Gaara. _Sex_ and _Gaara_ never belonged in the same sentence, he was always so childlike and oblivious to such things, I just took advantage of that fact.

Probably why I never allowed my mind to even go there, no matter the things I felt towards him. Gaara simply wasn't a sexual person and his teasing was innocent. I thought it was anyway. Maybe I was wrong and he had noticed how I reacted to him sometimes. I sighed.

"Hey, just relax today. Shikamaru got you a cake, Gaara left you a little gift and Hakuto might be able to tell you what you are having." She smiled wide at that, her eyes glistened in excitement.

"What I'm having?" I scrunched my nose. She wasn't suggesting I was having a demon or something, was she?

"You know, if the baby is a boy or girl."

I stared as my heart begun to race. "She... She could _do_ that?"

"Mhmm"

My stomach twisted again. _Nervous_. I was suddenly very nervous. I had just wanted to know if my baby was healthy, but this... I could... I would be able to stop calling my baby 'it' and use she or he instead. I would know. If Hakuto could tell me... I buried my head in my hands, unable to control the tears that came from that thought.

I heard a gasp. "Naruto, is everything ok?"

"Yeah, it's just..." I wiped at my eyes, the tears still not stopping. It was too much. I was happy, excited, nervous, sad, mad, I couldn't contain it anymore. "If she can, if it is possible, I think I really want to know."

She stood up, reached over the table and grabbed my left hand, squeezing it as she did. "We will see that she does, then."

I gave a half nod and squeezed her hand in return. I had no words, just raw emotion. I hadn't expected this, I hadn't expected any of this.

Ever since I was a boy all I wanted was to be Hokage so people would stop looking at me with _that_ look. I had never pictured myself falling in love with one of my best friends, I never thought I would become a girl for him, I never thought I would have his baby, or that I would be so readily accepted by his sister.

Or that I would be so oddly happy about it. All of it. I just needed to find a way to get him to love me back.

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Hakuto arrived about an hour after the cake did, which Temari wouldn't let me touch until she did. It was _my_ birthday. I deserved the first piece, so who cared when it got cut. I smiled at it as Temari filled Hakuto in about what was going on with Shikadai and her class. I had let her know shortly after she arrived that Temari couldn't really talk about me and a brief rundown of what had happened, minus the whole bit about who's baby. Maybe I would say during my exam later.

I willed their conversation to be over so I could cut into my cake. What flavor was it anyway? _Happy Birthday, Idiot_ was scrawled out across the top of the bright orange cake in deep blue letters and my spiral just underneath. When I could let on to him what had happened, I would have to thank him for it.

"Will you stop looking at that thing like it is made of gold?" Temari's eyes were narrow and slightly irritated.

"I want some." I pouted at her.

She groaned, "Fine, we will cut your cake, calm down."

I gave a small giggle at my victory. I watched closely as she brought the knife down and scrunched my nose a bit. Vanilla. It wasn't exactly my favorite but it would do, at least it was a cake and it was frosted in orange. I could deal. Temari scooted a piece towards me and I dug into it, devouring it like I hadn't eaten anything in days. Well, two days, to be exact.

No wonder I was freaking hungry. I looked up at her expectantly, holding my plate out for another piece and both of my companions stared at me like I had grown a second head. "What?"

"I sometimes forget you inhale your food." Temari's eyebrow raised a little at her statement.

"I do not!" I pouted at her. I didn't, I had always eaten like this. I was almost always hungry, I couldn't help it. I frowned at the cake, my hunger leaving as I thought about the past. I looked to the women I was sharing my birthday with. It...

It wasn't right. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It should have been like every other birthday, go to work early and work my ass off until the sun fell, then come home to my wife who would quietly wish me a happy birthday, my kids who had made some cute trinket for me and...

Sakura, smiling as she barged into my home like she did every year after the war with some well thought out gift that either was food or plant related. "Hey, never mind, ok?" I stood up. I wasn't in the mood to stay for tea anymore. I know Temari was trying to make this a great day for me, but... I just needed a few minutes. Just a few minutes to myself.

"Hey, everything alright?" Temari half stood, but was pulled back down gently by Hakuto who shook her head.

I have her a smile, she understood that. It was kinda weird, it was though she could see through me. I didn't even know her, yet she could tell. I could be freaked out by that later, for now though, I was thankful. "I'm going to head back while you guys finish your tea, is it alright if I have my exam there when you guys are done? I'm actually getting tired again, so after that I will probably crash, yeah?"

"Yeah, ok." Temari settled back into her chair a bit awkwardly, the look on her face betraying that she wanted to follow me.

I left without another word and made my way back to the cottage. I frowned on the way. Seriously though, how in the hell had I never noticed this thing here before? It was r _ight there_. Very visible the moment you left the back door to their place connected by a small stone path between. I really had been to distracted the past... What? Fifteen years? I shuddered at that thought. How much time had I really wasted pursuing something I really hated doing? Just because I promised myself I would, promised myself that I would make everyone see me, that I would make those who believed in me proud.

I opened the door to the cottage and froze in the doorway. There, in the middle of the table near the door was a tiny little grey box. My heart thumped loudly in my chest. It was October tenth. Gaara had given me a gift. _Me_. For my birthday. I swallowed hard. I softly shut the door behind me and approached the table and slinked down into a chair. I stared at the box.

It was so small. What could possibly be in it? I hesitated a moment and drew the box closer to me. I hovered my hand over it. Temari wanted to see me open it, but... She wouldn't care if I went ahead and opened it would she? It was my birthday. I had waited this long, what more could she really expect out of me?

I took the card off of the box, the envelope even smaller than the box. It was so tiny. Either he had wrote me a 'To Naruto- Gaara' or an entire freaking letter. He rarely did anything simple, so I took a breath and opened it, dreading that I would need a microscope to see what he had written me. The front of the card was a simple 'Naruto' in his elegant writing, the back, 'Gaara' in the same. Well, time to see what he had written. I opened the card.

_Sand to glass, like a knife to wood, a memory_

I stared at the words that filled up every tiny inch of the card. _Huh_? I flipped the little thing around, but there were no extra pieces of paper, no extra flaps for it to fold out. What in the hell did that mean? I eyed the box. Well, maybe the thing would make some sorta sense if I seen what he gave me. I worked at untying the strings that held it together until they fell away. I lifted the top of the box off of my gift to reveal tissue paper. I reached inside, removed it and noticed that the weight was wrapped inside of it. I carefully worked at unwrapping what was inside, the object feeling more and more delicate as I did.

What in the hell _was_ it? I couldn't tell just by touch, it just felt... Breakable. Finally, I was able to remove enough of the paper to see what lay beneath it was made of glass. Yes, very breakable. I moved slower, determined to keep whatever it was intact. Bit by bit the paper gave way to some sort of sculpture and I set it carefully on the table. I stared at it.

It was beautiful. Weird looking, for sure, but definitely beautiful. I mean, what in the hell was it? I stared at it for a while and thought about what he wrote me. Sand to glass, like a knife to wood, a memory. What could that even mean?

The glass had a round base, a thin strip of glass protruded from the center, two small forms that looked like they could be crouching figures, swirls of glass surrounded the entire thing. A memory.

Like a knife to wood... Like... My eyes widened. My carving. He was referring to my carving, of the memory that I identified most to him. This...

I looked closer. It was us. I recognized it now, that moment. He...

He thought that was a good memory of us? Just after I had woken him up and we landed on either side of Gamabunta's sword and we stared at each other for a while. I was pissed at him at the time, but I had been determined more than anything, to knock some kind of sense into the guy. It had worked, because after that, I had heard he had changed, he even came back to help when Sasuke bolted. Sand to glass...

Had he... Had he _made_ this? My fingers traces softly along a thin wisp of glass. Sand. This was supposed to represent sand, swirling around us. I remembered that moment, I could see myself in him, it hurt, in that moment all I wanted to do was make him know that he wasn't so god damned alone. There was nothing that compared to that hell, that pit of despair. That helpless feeling of being hated and not being able to do anything about it. I knew him, more than anyone could ever know him, in that moment. A memory. It was...

It was perfect. I smiled at the little sculpture then got up and went to my new room. I wanted to see it. I wanted to see it when I was too tired to move, too weak to get up. I searched the room as I looked for a place that was not only easily visible from the bed, but also safe enough that it wouldn't get bumped or broken. That ruled out the bedside stand and the dresser next to the door. However...

There was a small bookshelf, a little out of the way to the other side of the bed. As long as nobody really went over there, it should be safe. I carefully brought my gift in and placed it on the top of the bookcase and turned it so that I could see both figures from where I would lay in bed. I smiled at the little sculpture. It was perfect. A precious memory that we shared, one that formed our bond. Maybe, just maybe there was hope for me, maybe he could feel the same towards me as I did him. Someday, if he chose to have me in his life that way, we could...

I sighed and sat on the bed to study the figurine. Even his glasswork was elegant, how in the world had he even gotten the wisps of glass so thin and beautiful? Amazing... I didn't even know he could work with the stuff.

I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting there, staring at it when I heard the door open. "Naruto, you in here?" It was Temari.

"Back here!" I yelled it from the bed. Screw it. It was my _birthday_ , and I was tired. Let them come to _me_ , damn it.

"I see you opened it, what was it?" Temari's eyes seemed to glow with curiosity, an odd smile on her face. "I just have to know, he rarely gives gifts, and they tend to be disasters when he does, so what was it?"

I smiled and looked over to my little memory. I pointed at it. "It's there. I think he made it for me."

She squinted and neared it, but not too close. She studied it a little while as Hakuto entered the room with a small bag and set it next to the bed on the nightstand. "So... What is it?"

"A memory."

She frowned then looked at me. "A memory huh?" I nodded. "Well, Kankuro mentioned a while back he was working on some sort of project, this must have been it. I'm jealous." She gave me a wide toothy smile and I scoffed.

I looked over to Hakuto then, she was silently pulling out equipment from the bag she had brought, including something that resembled the thing that Sakura had used on me before. "You are going to do an ultrasound?"

She looked over to me and smiled. "Yes, sort of. It is similar to an ultrasound, but uses chakra instead of sound. We can get a little clearer picture that way, I figured you would want to know the sex of your baby, am I right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I didn't even think about that until Temari mentioned the possibility, but I really do want to know." I yawned. I had to stay awake, at least for a little while longer, this was important.

"Would you like to start now?"

"Yeah, if we can."

She nodded and looked to Temari, "Will you get her ready for me?"

"Eh..." I frowned at the term. _Her_. It was the first time anyone who knew my real identity referred to me as a girl.

Temari took hold of my arm and gently pulled me to my feet. "Follow me, grab what you were wearing this morning." She pointed to the dresser where she had left my pants and top I had been wearing before she shoved me into this dress.

I followed and did as she said while she led me into the bathroom.

"Hands up."

I did as I was told and before I could protest she was lifting the dress up over my head. I kept them up and she quickly released me from the weird contraption she had tried to pass off as a bra, though it did seem to work and stayed put all day. "Will a regular bra be this damned uncomfortable? If it is, I seriously don't know how you guys do it all the time."

She pulled my shirt on and I lowered my arms. I felt like such a child while she did this... "Not that bad, no. Might be a little uncomfortable to you at first though, since you aren't used to it yet." She stepped back and grabbed a washcloth.

My stomach twisted, realizing she was about to wash away my makeup. _Shit_. "Hey, that can wait, can't it?"

"It is best if I remove it, just in case it will mess with her reading. I will try to be as quick and gentle as I can."

I held my breath and prepared myself. The first touch to my face with the washcloth brought out a deep moan, and I whimpered as she moved from place to place on my body. Each touch shot pain through my body, every swipe nearly unbearable. "Temari..."

She gave a hum, her face set in concentration to what she was doing.

"Tomorrow, I need you to see Grandma Tsunade, I will only have one more dose of my medicine after tonight."

She froze in place, her eyes widening. "Medicine?" She looked up at me from her place at my legs as she wiped away the color that hid my bruises. "What sort?"

"A special pain killer, sedative, whatever it is. Makes it tolerable to do anything. I let the effects run out once trying to stretch it out, and the result made me come here."

She stared, her hand hovering over my leg. "How bad? How bad is it?"

I shrugged. "I'm not sure, but even with the patch on, I can't get it to stop hurting anymore."

"Naruto..." She trailed off, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Don't worry 'bout it, I'm stronger than that." I gave her one of my biggest smiles, ignoring the slight pain it brought on to the tightened muscles.

She gave a soft sigh and continued with her painful washing of my legs. It was almost done. Hold still, I will be fine. I clenched my hands, waiting for her cleansing of me to be over.

Then it was. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to pick up my pants and she stopped me. "I think you will be fine in your boxers, she might want to..." She looked away from me and then left the bathroom, leaving her statement hang curiously in the air.

"She might want to what?" I followed her but she didn't elaborate. I noticed when we entered the room again that Hakuto had finished setting up her small machine, had one of those stethoscope things hanging around her neck, as well as a suspicious looking device I that looked almost looked like it could be used for torture. Small, metallic, with an odd looking circle at the end with possibly a clamp. "What-"

Hakuto interrupted me, a concerned look on her face. "Remove your shorts, and cover yourself with your blanket."

Blunt. To the point. I swallowed hard. I nervously looked between the two who both turned around to allow me some sort of decency and I removed them. I quickly climbed into bed, careful not to actually look at myself in the process. I just wasn't ready for that yet. I mean, I knew that it was still there, I just wasn't sure how much of it or how much I might have changed beyond that. I didn't want to know. Not yet. Why couldn't the transition have been as easy as it was in the cave? A few hours of excruciating pain and wham! Over.

Of course, lucky for me, the wish only made me partially a woman, but only enough to make a damn womb in me long enough to make a baby. Not that I was complaining, but _damn_.

Hakuto looked over her shoulder to see that I was already under the blanket and sighed, looking slightly annoyed that I hadn't mentioned that I was ready.

I wasn't though. She was going to tell me what my baby was. I was excited for it, beyond excited, actually. But... What if there was something wrong? What if my body wasn't carrying it the way it needed to, what if-

"I will need to you to lay back and try to relax ok?" Her voice was warm, comforting. No wonder they used her as a midwife here.

"Yeah, ok." I did as I was told and took in a shaky breath. Nervous. I was very, _very_ nervous to say the least. How in the hell _could_ I relax?

"Temari, do your best to keep her calm through this. I will need to concentrate." _Her_. I was never going to get used to that.

Temari nodded, sat on the bed next to me and watched Hakuto with an intense gaze.

Hakuto lowered the sheet enough for my entire lower abdomen to be exposed. It looked... Weird. There really was a noticeable bump there now. My baby, it was growing..."This might hurt a little." She placed a small ring attached to the machine by a long thin wire on my abdomen and put her hand on it. She pressed slightly and I felt a soft burning sensation.

Then I screamed, causing Hakuto to jerk her hand back away from me and I fought to catch my breath.

"Naruto..."

I looked over to Temari to see what she wanted.

"My hand, let go of my hand, you're about to crush it." Her voice was tight and she looked both concerned and irritated at the same time.

I looked down and realized I was holding her hand in a death grip. When had that happened? Feeling a bit embarrassed I let go of her hand with a small laugh.

She gave a small sigh and reached over to my stomach and lightly touched her hand there.

I gasped at the touch, a shockwave of relief rushed through my body which made me tremble. What... What the hell?

Hakuto's face twisted a little into an expression that was a little bit confusion, a little something I couldn't recognize. She neared the bed with her equipment again. "Naruto, I want to try something. Let me know if this causes any pain, Temari, keep your hand there."

She pursed her brows but nodded. Obviously, she didn't have any idea what Hakuto was doing either.

Hakuto brought the small circle back down to my abdomen, right next to Temari's hand. "Ok, I am going to try again."

I gave a small nod and braced myself for the pain. I felt a weird tickle where the device touched my skin, then... Nothing. Just a very odd, weird feeling tickle.

I heard Hakuto breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, it worked. Temari, move your hand slightly to the left... Good, there." She handed me a small screen, similar to the one I had seen Sakura carting around with the ultrasound a month ago.

My heart nearly stopped when I seen the tiny little person on the screen. It was more obvious than before, easy to see, bigger. "How... How big is the baby now?" I gripped the screen as the image seemed to pop out of it. I could see it's little hands, legs...

Hakuto smiled at me softly. "Hold out your hand and cup it."

I did as she asked.

"Your baby would fit there in the groove of your palm. Around five inches now. From what I can see, the baby is perfectly healthy."

"Healthy? You're sure?"

"Yes, there is slight movement here, in the image, everything looks the way it should." She removed the circle contraption from my stomach. "Look up, I have to continue my exam, you might not want to watch."

"Watch what?"

"Look up." Her voice hardened a little.

I swallowed and did as I was told. What was she going to- I gasped as I realized that she pulled the blanket down the rest of the way. "Hey, what the hell are you-"

"Keep your eyes up." It sounded like an order.

"Don't worry, it shouldn't take long." Temari. She sounded a bit off. Damn it, I really hope she wasn't looking where she shouldn't be.

Hands pried my legs apart. I didn't like this. Don' look. Oh damn this was so wrong. I wanted her to stop. I felt a hand in mine and I squeezed it. "I'm sure she has her reasons Naruto. Hakuto is one of the best."

I tried to force myself to breath as I felt hands pressing and prodding at my nether regions. Suddenly, her hands went where no hands should. I squeaked. What. The. Fucking. _Hell_.

Her finger slowly pressed passed my balls, and...

And...

Oh god that was weird. My heart sped up. It wasn't natural. It was wrong. It was completely off. "Stop, please fucking _stop_." I felt tears start at my eyes. She was examining me from the inside. It was so freaking weird. How in the heck could girls stand it?

She ignored me and I heard an 'oomph' as Temari's hand was nearly jerked out of mine. I felt a hand press tightly just under where my baby was, followed by a similar tickle from before. The tickle didn't last long and thankfully the hands moved away from my body and the blanket was pulled back up.

"All right, Naruto, it's all over. You did well."

I forced my eyes away from the ceiling, feeling completely violated from the exam. "The heck just happened?"

She pealed her gloves off and worked at taking care of her equipment. "I needed to check your birth canal. It is... Pretty rough, but it is fully intact which is a good sign. I wasn't sure considering you likely didn't have one until recently. You are almost halfway through your pregnancy so it was important to see if it would even be possible for a natural birth. Congratulations, you should be good that way."

I stared at her, feeling suddenly sick. Natural... Birth?

I really didn't want to think about that part of it. I had never been present when Hinata had either of the kids, so I wasn't sure entirely how the process worked, though I had my ideas and it really was not a pleasant thought.

Temari just sat next to me on the bed, her eyes a little glazed over. "Why... Why couldn't you... Without me, why..." She trailed off, her questions somewhat directed at Hakuto, but she didn't seem to be talking to anyone.

"Temari?" I was still holding her hand and I squeezed a little, bringing her out of her daze.

She blinked a couple times and turned her attention fully to Hakuto. "And... The other thing?"

Hakuto eyed me a moment. "I'm not sure. I want to test out my theory again later, but..." She smiled and took my other hand. "Naruto... Congratulations. You will be having a daughter."

My head swirled. Daughter. I was going to have... A girl? My lips twitched upwards, then into a full smile. "A... I will have a daughter..." I squeezed both of their hands. This didn't feel real. Inside of me, was a little girl, my daughter, _Gaara's_ daughter. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I let them fall. This. This was the best birthday gift I could ever have asked for.

My little girl.

My precious little baby girl was healthy, what more could I ever ask for?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most of you were wanting a boy and I hope I didn't disappoint too much. I had already decided on the sex of the baby and her name even before I started writing this. But... Yay! A baby girl!


	34. Impatience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, decided to add a bit of a fun chapter here just to keep poor Gaara in the storyline so there isn't like 6 chapters entirely for Naruto or something. (Can't help it, most of everything is centered around him right now...) Besides, the coming chapters are going to start getting crazy, so why not add a little something fun in between? Besides, who didn't want to hear the other end of Temari's phone conversation with Kankuro?
> 
> I had honestly planned Temari's reaction to the news of finding out she was going to be an Aunt a little differently, but when I went to write it she seemed to want to react that way. I love it when I lose control of my own characters and they do what they want to do lol.
> 
> Anyway... Yay! Another chapter and it has been less than a day. I know most of you guys probably haven't read the last one yet since only JJ has reviewed the last one and my stats have barely moved, so yay! Two chapters for you hehehe
> 
> As always, reviews aim to inspire :D

 

**Gaara**

I stared blankly into the refrigerator willing something to stand out. I was kind of hungry. I was kind of _not_ hungry, but I knew I should probably eat _something_ , since I had not technically eaten since sometime yesterday, probably in the morning. To be honest, I really couldn't remember eating then either. When _had_ I eaten anyway? I continued to stare at the contents inside and frowned. Nothing looked good. Kankuro had stuffed it full of random sweets, likely for the sole fact that I would never touch a single thing he put in there. Just looking at the sweets turned my stomach slightly as I thought of the sickeningly sweet taste of most of the stuff. _Disgusting_. I sighed at it.

"Gaara, just fucking _pick_ something, you have been standing there for five minutes and if you stay like that much longer we won't need air conditioning anymore and all of the food will spoil."

I groaned as I shut the door to the appliance and moved to the cupboard. Maybe there would be something in there that would catch my eye. I had to eat _something_. I couldn't seem to focus. I had stared at my last paper for about twenty minutes before I had realized that my mind was drifting off about random cooking techniques and how it would be nice to spend a day learning how to make a soufflé.

Nothing. We had _nothing_. I groaned at the cupboard for not having the mystery item that I was craving and shut the door. I would have to go out, and I really didn't want to. I would have an errand service do it for me but I think I would have to actually know what I wanted in order for that to work. I smirked at the request I would have to make about just bringing me the best food in Suna, and the panic that most likely would arise in the poor worker that had received my unfair order.

It was almost tempting to do that just to get a reaction, and see what they would actually bring me. I gave a small sigh, I really had no idea what I wanted to eat. The only problem with that being that until I caved in and ate something, I couldn't bring myself to do anything other than think about food. Food in general. Why couldn't I be craving something specific? It would be so much easier if I were craving something like tongue or stew or even sweet bean paste, heaven forbid. _Anything_. But _no_ , nothing even sounded like it would even be edible for me to eat.

My thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. I stared at the offensive thing that was hanging on the wall, producing a high pitched sound I dearly abhorred. I wanted to smash it. I did once, it pissed off Kankuro and he didn't speak to me for a while. Why did he always punish me by not speaking to me anyway? It didn't bother me. Not really.

Of course it wouldn't. Why _would_ it? I didn't _need_ him. I stared at the little offensive device on the wall, willing it to be silent.

"Why can't you ever just answer the thing?" Kankuro shoved past me and picked it up. "Hey."... "Oh, yeah, hey! It's been a few days, hasn't it?"

I frowned at the ease that he had while he spoke on the odd little contraption. How could he gauge what the other person meant, decipher what they needed, without facial expressions? Writing at least could more easily portray emotion, give better hints at what was needed in return, the option to analyze the words presented and the time that would be necessary to formulate an appropriate response. Speaking blindly to someone over a tiny device was simply inhuman, pointless. It was a highly inadequate and annoying method of communication.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU MEAN TWO FUCKING WEEKS?"

I winced as Kankuro yelled into the thing. Two weeks? For what?

"But Shinki has a test coming up and there is this Gala the whole family has to attend so who in the hell will I talk to? I'll need your advise on how to deal with the usual fallout between Gaara and-"

I glared at him and he shrugged at me. He must have been talking to Temari, the person he turned to when _he_ needed help in talking to Shinki.

I really should set aside some time for the boy. I had promised myself that I would work at being a better Father to him. The first step would be to ask him how I could accomplish such a thing.

"Damn Temari, you have to be such a bitch about it?" He whispered something into the phone and winced right afterwards, holding the phone away from his head.

Why must my siblings be so immature? I frowned at him and opened the cupboard back up. It was stocked fully, surely that had to be _something_ in there I hadn't seen that would at least appear to be edible. I gathered my sand and started to lift the items out one by one, floating them around me as I searched for my mystery food.

I was about two shelves in when I was brought out of my search by loud laughter. "I can't believe that lazy assed husband would allow you to have more than one over at a time, you can't handle it."

I raised my brow at him, suddenly curious. I left the random food I had lifted out of the cupboard to hang in the air as I eavesdropped in on their conversation.

"I'll never forget the time we had to replace all of our furniture because you got pissed off during some stupid game you played during a sleepover. Dad never let you take your fan to bed with you again!"

I frowned. I... I didn't recall this. The story. Why had he never mentioned it to me? I felt a small pain in my heart at the reminder that I really hadn't been part of their lives until I was twelve. I was frozen in place as I stared at him as he continued to speak to her, his voice loud, animated. He briefly put his hand over the phone and asked me something, I didn't hear the words he spoke and just nodded in response. It couldn't be all that important. He resumed his conversation as I thought about my siblings. The way they would both smile and fight with each other. I had a slight semblance of that with Kankuro, but I would never reach their way of carefree expression. It was something that came from growing up together. That was something I would never know, I had practically lived on my own until Temari took me in and started to work at rebuilding me.

I owed them both more than they would ever know.

"Would you believe that he actually had an affair with him?"

Wait... What? I blinked myself out of my thoughts and back to the conversation. Did he just say what I thought he had?

"You know, the usual way, where a guy sticks his-"..."How am I supposed to know? He just told me he did it with him."

He was. He told Temari. Hell with every sentiment from before, I was going to kill him.

"Yeah, he is just waiting to hear from him, not sure if it will turn into anything more..."

I shot daggers at him through my eyes. As soon as he set the phone down, he was going to feed my sand every ounce of blood in his body. I wasn't going to make Temari listen to the sounds of his slow and highly painful death, it was none of her concern.

He looked over at me and paled, his eyes widening. "I think I need to go too, something... Came up."... "Yeah, hopefully."... "I'll let him know, hey, love you, ok?" He backed up a step and hung the phone back up on the wall. "Hey now Gaara, I asked first, what did you think I would do?"

"Why would I ever agree to you telling Temari about my indiscretion?" I started to put the food back into the cupboard and took a step towards the man that would soon be mourned by many. I would miss him, but he brought it upon himself.

I finished placing the food back into the cupboard and used the sand to shut the doors. I smirked as I crossed my arms and willed my sand forwards, forming into a thin sharp point as it flashed towards him.

"Ah, fuck Gaara!" He hissed as he barely missed the point of my sand, it grazing his arm, drawing blood. My eyes widened. He... I hit him. That _wasn't_ supposed to happen.

I began to tremble at the sight of it, I had drawn blood. Blood, with my sand. I had...

I had to...

I pushed it forwards again, my face twisted up in a smile as I felt the familiar surge of my bloodlust. I had to..

Blood. I needed more. I needed...

"SNAP OUT OF IT!" There was a loud crack as my sand dug into the countertops, splitting the wood where it had hit.

It had been too long. I hadn't... I had to...

He was crouched next to what was left of the counter, holding his arm, the delicious warmth of life spilling up over his hand. He looked terrified, worried. I wanted... I wanted to... "Gaara. Hey, come on, wake the hell up." His voice came out serious, chiding.

 _Kankuro_.

I groaned and I fell to my knees.

 _Brother_. I couldn't... I shouldn't....

I moved my arms enough to go from being crossed, to hugging myself. No. This was wrong. Killing was wrong. Life was precious. _Kankuro_ was precious, to _me_ he was precious.

I seriously needed something to eat, I was losing control of myself.

I heard a sigh come from in front of me and I looked up in time to see Kankuro kneel in front of me. "Hey, I am fine, but you mind fixing what you did?" He pointed at his arm, which was now soaked in blood.

I swallowed hard. I... I had wounded him pretty deep. "I'm sorry, Kankuro, I didn't mean to-"

"I know, Gaara. It's alright. Just fix it already."

I gave a small nod and brought my hand up to his arm. I had learned to heal after the war, after seeing how Sakura was able to keep Naruto alive while I rushed us to his father. It was a valuable skill.

I pushed my chakra forwards, feeling into his muscle, stitching together the fibers that I had previously torn through with my sand, removing the stray grains that had stayed embedded inside. I had wanted to learn to help people, not save them from myself. This was twice now that I had to heal injuries that I had caused myself. I dropped my hands from his arm when it was complete and I headed to the small bathroom that was located on this floor, gathering the small first aid kit that was located there. I took out some tape and gauze so that I could finish bandaging him properly. I put ointment on the gauze and gently placed it to the wound that I had sealed, then secured it with tape, thankful that Kankuro remained silent while I tended to him.

As many times as I threatened him with death, I had never actually meant it. Empty promises, a constant play between us of sorts. Most of Suna had been used to our fights and seeing me run off chasing him with my sand with those empty promises of death. I never actually...

Not in years. Not since _before_. I had never seriously tried killing him before, never gotten past his defenses, never had . My body began to shake. What if I hadn't snapped out of it in time? What if he hadn't moved quick enough for my sand to miss him? I stared at the demolished kitchen counter. That was almost him. I almost had killed Kankuro. I...

"Let me make something for you to eat." A hand grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet.

I stared at him. Unable to form any words. My heart leapt to my throat. I could have _lost_ him. I would have been alone. He was the one person... He was... I gave a curt nod and allowed him to gently lead me to the table, and set me down at a spot that had my back to the damage I had caused. I felt numb, in shock. What...

What had I done? I could feel a panic attack coming on, my breath becoming erratic as I fully grasped what I had nearly done. I had lost control just because I had drawn blood. I focused on the dot that was carved in the center of the table and I carefully forced my mind to go blank, I didn't want to think. There were too many things I just didn't want to deal with. Naruto, different forms of human copulation, politics, the fact I almost killed my brother...

No, it was best to keep a clear mind. I focused on the sound of dishes moving around, the refrigerator door opening, of water running. I stared at the dot, concentrating only on that and the sounds surrounding me.

I was successful at controlling my panic attack until a plate of salted tongue and broth noodles was placed in front of me. I trembled as I looked up, Kankuro stood near me and held his arm tightly to his body. "Kankuro, I..."

"Just eat, alright?" He frowned at me and I reached up to grab his elbow. He looked down and locked eyes with me. He gave a small sigh.

I fought with the words that I wanted to say. I wanted to say it, I wanted him to know, I needed to... But I couldn't. The words wouldn't come, they wouldn't leave my mouth, so I let my mask fall, I allowed my emotions to show on my face, in my eyes. I _did_ need him. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, he was my brother, my best friend beyond Naruto and I loved him. But they were words I could not speak.

His expression softened. "Hey, _I know_ , Gaara. Why do you think I stop talking to you when I get mad? One of the few things I know bugs ya, so you don't need to say it." He pulled his arm away from me, "It's alright. You stopped yourself, that is all that matters, right?"

I looked down to my plate of food and started to move the food around on my plate. I really didn't want it. I wasn't about to complain about it though. "Shinki will be back home next week."

"Yeah, so?"

I picked up a piece of tongue with my chopsticks, "The day he arrives, do not make plans. I will make us dinner." I smiled as I chewed around my food. It was my way of apologizing, and I would have to plan the most amazing feast I had ever made.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I had spent the rest of the day locked away in my room, leaving Kankuro to clean up my mess like he usually did. I had spent part of the day researching recipes, setting aside ones that I knew that I could make and could have access to the ingredients by the time Shinki came back home. The dinner would serve a dual purpose. An apology to Kankuro, and as a peace offering to my son in hopes of having a necessary conversation with him. It was always awkward, talking to him, but he had as much of a soft spot for my cooking as his uncle had for my cooking so I would have to rely on bribing him with food.

Unfortunately for me, all of this research about different foods brought my other problem to the forefront of my mind. Because of his obsession with ramen. The Hokage of Konoha, Naruto Uzumaki, the jinchuuriki of the nine tailed fox demon himself. Him, with his far too bright clothes, bright blonde hair, bright blue eyes and blinding smile.

It could be that I was playing up his brightness in my mind, that it was just because I held none of the brightness he possessed. He was unnaturally hot, his tan skin riddled with small delicate scars that each told a story if you would let him tell it. His hands were calloused from how hard he trained for so many years, a strange and unique beauty to him that only he could have. I wanted to have him here. I wanted him to tell me what he wanted from me.

I paced. I couldn't get _him_ out of my mind. He usually had a hold on my thoughts to some degree, but it was becoming all consuming. Ever since what had happened. Ever since I had seen him last.

What happened had been odd, to say the least. He had placed a clone to fill in as Hokage while he withered away in the library. I had noticed. He was smaller, more frail looking than before. When I had held him, when I tried to compose myself, before he asked for more time and left me, it felt as though his muscles had atrophied. They didn't harden the way they used to. He was... Soft. It was a rather odd sensation. Even when we had... When I had laid with... When we...

I felt my body start to heat at my mental stumble. _That_. That was the reason why I found it hard to focus on things. I needed to keep busy. I needed something to do.

It wouldn't be good to go watch Kankuro sleep, not after what I had done to him and with my mind not focusing on what I wanted it to it was likely I would want to start moving things around in his room again.

Then, he would really stop talking to me. I was quite lucky that he hadn't just walked out of the room never to return after I had nearly bludgeoned him to death with a wave of sand. That, and leaving him with a kitchen to rebuild by himself. I would like to help, considering that I was the one who caused the damage, but I really wasn't all that good at working with wood.

Or patience. How long would it take Naruto to get here anyway? Or was he waiting for me to come back to Konoha to talk to me? I seriously hoped it wouldn't be years. I would lose my mind by then. I knew that I promised him time, but I was starting to get antsy.

Why though? I had never been this impatient when dealing with Naruto before. I had never felt so demanding, so _needy_.

I really disliked having these feelings. What exactly was I supposed to do with them? Even if Naruto shared them, he was a married man. He was the Hokage. He was...

Well, he was Naruto. He tended to be a little bit dense about certain things. The best I could hope for, would be a continuation of a physical relationship, one that would be carried out in secret behind closed doors. It wasn't as though I could just have him move here because I desired his presence and wanted to explore what I truly felt towards the man.

Not to mention, I wasn't entirely sure I would be fully okay with continuing the relationship with him now that he returned to being a man. What Kankuro insinuated... That sort of thing, seemed... Off somehow. Like it was something forbidden.

It should be.

But would I be ok with him if... Could I do _that_ to him?

Would I even be able to let him look at me? That was the real conundrum of it all. Ever since I had been brought back from the dead, I had obsessively hid my body simply so nobody could tell Naruto what it looked like. To the point that I had barely removed my sand armor in the last six years.

Would I be ok, if all he wanted was to continue on as an affair? Would I be ok if he didn't?

There were too many what ifs for my liking. Too many unknowns. My fingers twitched at my sides. I needed to write. I needed to prepare myself for every situation. Just in case.

It didn't help that today was October tenth. It was Naruto's birthday. I didn't want to admit that might be part of why I was feeling so off today. It was almost over. I had heard nothing from him. Not that I immediately expected some sort of response, but I wanted to know if he liked what I had made him.

I had worked rather hard on it.

I sighed and pulled a small binder off of one of my bookshelves. I went to my desk, sat down and turned through the pages to a blank one. I had a habit of making lists. Preparing me for the different situations that might arise in the course of my day, write out what I should do and what would likely happen as an effect of said actions. It made my life easier. I had started doing that when I was twelve, just before I agreed to help teach at the new academy. I had prepared myself for their hatred then. I remembered writing down one possibility- that nobody would choose me. I had never thought that anyone would even try come close to me. I had only been months into my recovery then, and no reports of missing people only calmed their nerves so much.

Then, there was Matsuri. She was a strange one, but she chose me as her teacher. I had no idea what to do with her, and she almost immediately had gotten herself kidnapped. I almost didn't go after her. Almost.

But, she was mine, and it was my responsibility to take care of her. I remember not being all that happy about it. Thankfully though, I did follow. I had gotten captured myself, then _he_ was there. I was determined not to rely on Shukaku, determined to follow _his_ example, show him what he had given me, show him I was strong enough on my own.

I smiled at that. All of it had been unexpected. Ever since, I thoroughly plotted out every situation, every possibility even if it didn't seem like it was even feasible.

Yet, I was surprised constantly. It disturbed me. No matter how many lists I made, anytime it came to anything personal they tended to fail. It didn't matter though, it helped occupy my mind.

Which is why I was doing this.

To keep me from rearranging my room again. Or Kankuro's. Or breaking into Shinki's and risk him not talking to me when he returned home. It didn't help that I had technically finished everything I needed to do as Kazekage either.

Why did I always seem to run out of paperwork when I needed it the most? Was there seriously no treaties to go over, proposals, amendments or complaints to address? No. Of course there weren't.

I picked up my pen and thought about my options.

_Possibility 1: Naruto never makes up his mind and I remain waiting for information on his condition for years with no resolve._

_Reactions:_

_1- I slowly lose my mind until I am completely useless as a leader eventually forcing Suna to fall._

_2- I hunt him down after a year and force him to either tell me or 1- never see me again, 2- I make up his mind for him and take him back to Suna never to be seen again._

I stared at the paper. No. That was wrong. I quickly erased the second part of the second reaction and replaced it with 'Tell Hinata about our affair.' Yes, that was a more viable option for a threat. I tapped the pen to the paper. I really hoped that it was not the case. He wouldn't wait _that_ long... Would he? No, don't focus on that. I wrote down a few more spots for reactions in case I thought some up before they even took place and moved on.

_Possibility 2:_

I stared at the paper and my mind became a whirlwind of possible things. Which to focus on? Start with the worst? Yes. That way I could end with a positive.

_Possibility 2: Naruto is dying and doesn't want me to know_

My mouth went dry with that. No. That... That shouldn't even be there. Not possible. I wouldn't allow such a thing to be true. But... There were too many signs that pointed to it to leave it off the list. It was something that teased me at the back of my mind. I gripped the pencil harder as I stared at the words on the paper. I swallowed.

_Reactions:_

_1- I kill him for not telling me in the first place so that I could figure out a way to help him_

_2- Not find out until he is gone, attend his funeral and never forgive him for it._

_3- Die with him._

I underlined the third option after adding a few more spots for more reactions. That reaction was a given. I could not, _would_ not go on without him occupying this world. It simply was not an option for me, fate would be too cruel to take him from me in such a way. To remove something so beautiful while leaving me here. I was the same as him, the opposite of him. He was everything I could never be, a natural beacon within the darkness. He made people want to be better. Without him I...

My heart would stop. It would simply stop. I don't even think I would have to end myself if he were to truly die on me. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I knew I wouldn't be able to. I knew it was hypocritical of me to hold some lives above others, being Kazekage I knew it wasn't necessarily fair to my people, but my siblings, Shikadai, my son Shinki and most of all, above all others, Naruto took my priorities.

I would literally do anything if it meant he would be safe. It was a dangerous thing for Suna, and only understood fully by my siblings, my obsession with him. He was my savior. My best _friend_. I owed everything to him. I forced myself to stop dwelling on what I would do if the unthinkable were to happen and move on.

_Possibility 3: Naruto is as bothered by what happened as I am and he simply needs time to sort his own emotions out like I do._

_Reactions:_

_1- Be relieved._

_2- Insist on sitting down over a meal to discuss what he has been thinking about._

_3- Offer possibilities that would be beneficial to both of us and determine which would be the most adaptable to our specific situation._

_4- Ignore everything he says, lose control of myself again and molest him in spite of the fact he is a man._

I frowned at that last one, but I knew it to be a true possibility. I had nearly done that to him a couple months back as a reaction to what he had carved. It was getting harder for me think clearly around him. If what had happened between us wasn't addressed and resolved within some sort of timely manner, I would likely end up agreeing with everything that man said during any conferences or meeting both of us were required to attend, and to hell with the consequences.

I sighed. Yes. I was a doomed man.

I brought my pen back down to the paper, and continued to write the different scenarios until I started to feel tired, my sand jumping around me, ready to allow me my rest.

Two hours before dawn, I allowed myself that small reprieve and fell into my rest state, neither awake, nor asleep, my mind blissfully blank as I rejuvenated myself.


	35. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a bit of a crazy week for me. I have officially taken my novel off of hiatus and will be launching the next revision on Wattpad this week, as well as continuing this. My job is only working me for 2 days next week so I figured it would be the perfect time to get some extra work done and keep up my insane writing schedule. With any luck I will be able to get close to finishing part one of this, as well as get the first 4 chapters of my novel up by the end of next week.
> 
> Added new songs to the playlist for those interested-
> 
> I Found by Amber Run
> 
> Human by Rag n bone man
> 
> also for Gaara in the coming chapters:
> 
> All I want by Kodaline
> 
> Lay me down - Sam Smith (You will get this one when I get there)
> 
> JJ- I agree about thinking that Gaara being an overprotective dad- part of why the baby is going to be a girl. You know the whole 'daddy's girl' syndrome ;)
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire.

 

**Naruto**

It had been a full week since my birthday. A full week of being doted on by Temari and Hakuto on and off throughout the day. They were worried about me and I didn't really blame them. After the first two days Hakuto had insisted on bed rest because my bruises continued to deepen. I protested at first, but after a day of just laying in bed, I wasn't about to complain. I still ached, but the pain had diminished from 'tearing' to simple ache. I could handle that. Maybe she was right about it. She was supposed to come over later, try something new. She said she wanted to try out a theory and see how I reacted to it. To say that I was not looking forward to it would be the understatement of the century.

My only issue was that I was bored. They had brought me some books and magazines, but this was seriously getting on my nerves. I kinda wanted to go outside, do _something_ , but the mere thought of getting up filled my stomach with a sickening sense of dread. One that I had to face every time I had to go to the bathroom, which was getting more and more weird within itself. It hurt to have to keep sitting down and standing up. It was also seriously annoying that I seemed to have to go more and more. If that kept up, I might as well just start staying in the bathroom in a couple months. Damn.

I groaned. I really didn't want to think about that. I was getting to be such a girl... Seriously. A _girl_. I still hadn't fully wrapped my head around that, even though I knew what was happening for over a month now. It still was a _lot_ to try and deal with. I had _too_ much to deal with.

What I would do about Gaara, how I would tell him, my annulment, not being able to check up on my kids, worrying about if I would live through my transition, if my baby would be ok if I didn't. The baby- the little girl that was growing inside of me. I placed my hand over her, that warm sensation spreading through my chest at the mere thought of her. What would she look like? My other two kids ended up being mirror image to us, Boruto resembling me the most, and Himawari resembled Hinata the most. I smiled as I thought of them. They had my eyes though, even though Himawari inherited the Byakugan, she still somehow had my eyes when she wasn't using the ability. My sweet little girl, my son... My heart felt as though it were about to rip in two. I moved my other arm up to my eyes as I allowed myself to cry. It wasn't _fair_. How would I be able to keep them in my life? How could I even continue being their father when I was likely going to be living in Suna as a damned _woman_. Would I even still be considered to be their father or would I have to follow that freak Orochimaru's tactic and consider myself their 'parent'. Poor Mitsuki. Good kid though.

None of this was fair to them. They deserved so much more than I was capable of. Someone who knew how to be their father, someone who could actually _be_ there. I rubbed my stomach. She would be different. If I lived through this, if I could manage just to simply survive this ordeal...

"I promise you, little one, I will be better. I _promise_." I moved my arm away from my eyes and brought my hand down to join the other one resting over her and gave a soft sigh. I would have to break away from everything. This would be a new life. It had to be. For her, for Gaara if he would have me. I didn't know what place in the world I would have after this if fate would allow me to continue on but I could figure it out when I got there.

I really hoped I could. I wanted to see her. I wanted to see her grow up. Maybe she would look like Gaara. My lips twitched at that. With his red hair, maybe she would carry the signature look of the Uzumaki clan. I hoped she would be strong, inherit the resilience that my ancestors had. Like I had. Like my mom. Would she have my eyes? Would she have Gaara's? Or would they be uniquely hers? Would she be loud or reserved? Would she be strong, cunning or both?

Would I even be _able_ to see what her smile was like? Protect her from the cruelty of the world and keep her innocent and safe? Would I be able to help with her homework, be able to teach her how to hold a kunai the proper way, be able to take her out for ramen, be able to...

My body trembled as the tears flowed from me. There was a weight on my chest, a dull growing pain that I couldn't suppress. Willing as I was to die to keep her alive, I didn't want to. I feared it. I _wanted_ to be there. I wanted to see her grow up. I wanted to be there when she took her first steps, said her first words. I wanted to be there on her first day of school, her first mission, her first friends, her first _everything_. This was the most unfair of all my problems. Dying.

It was too possible, and it was scaring the hell out of me that I wouldn't be able to be there for her. This feeling, it was _hopeless_. It was impossible to keep my mind free of those thoughts. I couldn't stop it, the feeling was ever present and the more I thought about it the deeper the hurt became.

I had that sick feeling that this pain was one that my mother had felt as she gave her life to protect me. The feeling Gaara's mother had when she willed herself to protect him. It was a pain nobody should have to face. Not knowing. Wanting so much but not being able to do anything about it.

Hell, I wasn't even sure I would be able to hold my body together long enough to take her to term.

It fucking _sucked_. Not knowing. Not having the strength or ability to control any of it. I hated it.

I hated being confined to this bed with only some reading material and my damned thoughts. I looked over to the small sculpture Gaara had made me for my birthday. Focus on something else, _anything_ else. Gaara was always a good distraction to those thoughts. He was completely in the dark about what was going on with me. I probably should have told him after seeing Temari's reaction, but he tended to be even more protective of me than Sakura was. If I told him, he might have even suggested the same if it were to mean that I live. I couldn't risk that either. She had told me he would be fine with everything, but I needed that safety net. Just a couple more weeks. A couple more weeks and this entire charade would be over. I could step down from being Hokage. I could give my kids a giant hug and reassure them everything would be ok. I could go to Suna and tell Gaara everything. About my health. About the wish. About our baby girl. I really hoped he wouldn't freak out too much about it.

I was still waiting for Temari to find a way for me to tell him without him being forced into a marriage with me. She had gone silent after I had asked and only said that she would get back to me, but that had been nearly a week ago. Maybe she was trying to punish me for sending her to go get my pain patches.

Grandma Tsunade thought I knocked up a girl and needed the patches for her, so of course when Temari came to pick them up she naturally jumped to the conclusion that the person that I had slept with was Temari herself.

Close though, she guessed in the right family anyway. I snorted as I remembered Temari coming back and yelling at me about the incident. She couldn't defend herself because of the seal, and she would kill me after the baby was born if she was ever questioned about it by Shikamaru. Like he would ever think I would sleep with his wife anyway, no matter what rumors would be going around.

Then again, I did actually cheat on Hinata, but that had been with Gaara and I highly doubt _that_ would ever cross his mind either.  I groaned.  "I'm so freaking bored." I spoke it aloud.  It wasn't like anybody would hear me.

"You wouldn't be if you stopped being stubborn and read what I have brought you."

My body tensed at the sound of Hakuto's voice and hissed in pain at the reaction.  She had surprised me, she wasn't due until late in the afternoon.  I let out a breath, annoyed that I hadn't sensed her approach.  Even that simple ability was gone now.  I didn't want to let on how much that bugged me.  "I'm not being stubborn, it's more that reading is just as boring as staring at the ceiling, so yeah, I'm _bored_."  I glared at her.

"My son is on a playdate with one of the cousins, so I thought I would come see you. Besides, I wanted to see you without Temari here."

"Why would you...?" I frowned at her.

"I wanted to ask you something. Before I test my theory, I wanted to know..." She trailed off, coming to sit on the bed next to me, a soft smile on her face. "I wanted to know, the father of the child you are carrying, is it Gaara?"

I stared blankly at her. "I..."

She reached her hand out and took my hand into hers. "I am right, aren't I?"

"How'd you figure it out?" This woman was _weird_. First, she figured out who I was almost immediately, then she figures out that I slept with Gaara?

"Temari. The presence of her chakra calmed your symptoms. Your bruises near where her hand touched started to fade. There is nothing healing directly in Temari's chakra, so I came to the conclusion that it could be familial and her connection to Gaara could be what calmed you. It was merely a guess, but it could be important to know."

I continued to stare at her. I really didn't understand fully what she was saying. "Important? Important how? Why would it matter if she touched me?"

She sighed, "I don't know. That is why I want to test it again, see if my theory is right. For now, I just wanted to know if I was right on who the father was." She scooted up to the top of the bed where I was and pulled over one of the books she had left behind. "Now then, about your boredom..." She smiled, opened the book and began to read.

I watched her as I continued to lay in bed, watched her mouth as it formed the words, listened to her soft comforting voice as it weaved together the story from inside the book. It was odd, how much more interesting a book was when it was being read aloud.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

"Hey, Naruto..." A soft voice broke through my darkness and brought me back into consciousness. "Wake up, Temari is here." I felt fingers softly caressing my forehead as I woke, my eyes fluttering open at the soft touch.

A sigh left me at the sight of the two women who greeted me as I came to. I blinked a few times, urging myself to wake up further. "You're early..."

"You fell asleep." Temari grabbed a few pillows that had been left beside the bed and reached under me to help me sit up. "Here, let me help you."

There was a firm pressure on the back of my shoulders as she bared the brunt my weight upon her arms and I allowed her to do it. Soon, there were pillows behind me to help hold me up and she released her hold on me, transferring my weight to the pillows. I felt so helpless, like a burden. "I'm sorry." It was merely a whisper, but it left me before I could stop it.

She froze a moment, a slight flinch in her forehead followed by a smile. "Hakuto says you let her read one of her books to you. Did you enjoy it?"

An odd emotion rose in me, one that made my stomach flip just a little, a tightening in my chest. She changed the subject, she didn't say that I didn't have anything to be sorry for. I _was_ a burden to her. I knew that. _She_ knew that. "I don't remember." I didn't. I couldn't even remember what it was about. What I remembered, what I had heard, was her soft voice, droning on as it consumed me and lulled me into a dreamless sleep. A sleep I was thankful for.

She gave a small hum and pulled a chair up next to the bed after dismissing Hakuto who left the room without a word. I gave her a puzzled look but she just reached out and patted my hand. "I wanted to speak to you alone."

Alone? What was with everyone wanting to talk to me alone today? "What is it?" Had my clone done something else that was stupid? Did something happen to my kids? Was the village ok?

"Just some news is all. I seen your kids today at school. Himawari seems to be doing well, aced the latest exam according to her teacher. I was there when Boruto came to pick her up, he was... He was angry. I can imagine why, but it wasn't like I could ask directly or anything."

I nodded. "Thank you." I let out a breath. _Finally_. Some kind of news about my kids. They were ok, that was all that mattered, really. As long as they were ok I could relax. "You have no idea how much I've been worried about them."

"It's why I wanted to tell you when I seen them." She leaned forwards, "But..." She paused until I looked at her fully, commanding my attention, "There is something else. Something you should know."

My brows pursed, "What?"

"Sasuke is in Konoha."

I stared at her. Why would he be here? He wasn't due back for at least another two months from his current assignment.

She leaned back as the news sank in, a more serious look on her face. "You are going to need to think seriously about who will take your place, Naruto. How strong is that clone of yours? It has been in your place for weeks now. It's not one of your regular ones so what kind of clone _is_ it?"

I swallowed. I had never fully explained what Neji was or what I had done in order to keep myself in hiding. I took in a breath and looked away from her. It had been stupid to make him, but... "I didn't know what else to do. At the time, it seemed the best idea. I couldn't go back, what if the council... I mean, what if they..." I lost my words, the familiar panic creeping back.

She tightened her grip on my hand. "I get that. I just need to know, for the baby's sake, if there is a danger from it."

I looked down to where she gripped my hand and I turned it to return the hold. My breath was shaky as I took in air. "I have no idea. I have only done it twice before. Once, when I was fourteen and it was mostly a disaster. I had vowed never to make another like it, then... On my fourth anniversary, the first one I skipped out on, I..." I trailed off as I recalled what had led up to me creating Neji. I wasn't even sure if his voice was quite right, I wasn't sure if I even remembered it well enough.

"Naruto?"

I gave a half laugh. Neji was my best kept secret, nobody knew about him, now I was going to spill my guts to someone I barely knew. Yet, it felt as though I could trust her fully. It was an odd feeling, to trust so freely. It was something that was a bit hard for me to do, to trust so completely. Shikamaru really did find himself a small treasure in her. "I sucked at being a husband, ya know? Hinata, she was always a bit too much for me, overwhelming. I wanted to talk to someone, someone that could understand, give me advice and who was smarter than me. The only person I could think of at the time was Neji, and how if he were there, than he could tell me how to be better, how to be..." I shrugged, unable to come up with the right words.

"How to be the right person for your wife?" Her voice was soft, steady and understanding.

I nodded. "Yeah, something like that." I looked up at her at that moment, there was a sadness to her eyes and an understanding that I couldn't explain.

"Gaara." She nodded to the sculpture he had made me, "You are better at hiding it than him, but he always said that you two were the same, so I get it. He studied for years to get where he is. He still doesn't fully understand how relationships work. When my relationship with Shikamaru was revealed to him he was shocked, but mostly he was confused."

I looked over to the sculpture myself. "Confused, huh?"

"He did everything in his power to make sure we could be together though, even though that meant me leaving him. I think, it may have been one of the hardest things for him to do."

"Yeah." _Gaara_. My fingers twitched at the sound of his name and I had the sudden urge to bring them to our baby. I wonder... What was he doing? Did he think about what happened between us, was he ok, did he-

Temari cleared her throat. "That clone of yours. What _exactly_ is it?"

I blinked. Oh, right. "It is sort of a semi-permanent clone. You see, I was working on my reverse harem jutsu, and there was... Well, let's just say I had an issue with it." I looked away from her, feeling my cheeks heat up. I really didn't want to tell her what my issue was with it, considering. "Anyway, the Pervy Sage worked with me to come up with a way to keep my... _issue_... from appearing every time I used the jutsu. It took a few weeks, but I managed to get it to work. The thing was uncontrollable though so I keep it locked up in my head, you know?"

"You had an issue with a _clone_?"

"I... Don't really want to talk about it." I knew I probably had to look like a tomato with how hot I was feeling in spite of the bruises on me.

"Okay..." The word was deep, drawn out. She was suspicious of me. She _should_ be.

That thing was an embarrassment and caused me more trouble than it was worth. Freak. I really kind of hated him in _spite_ of what he looked like. "I abandoned the idea of ever making another one, but then I nearly had a breakdown and made Neji out my memories of him. I know he is technically me, but I had perfected the technique that time. He is fully free thinking and honestly I think he is a bit smarter than me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have come to you."

"Really?"

I nodded. "So... What does all this have to do with Sasuke?"

"Rumor has it the Hokage has been acting strange, there hasn't been any clones spotted in over a month, he has made no public appearances and people are talking about him having a huge temper lately. You have any ideas on why that is?" She smirked at the question.

I glared at her. "Might have something to do with me getting pregnant and turning into a damned girl."

She half snorted. "Yeah, but most people don't know that. Your clone is a pretty pissed off guy from what I've heard from Shikamaru." She sighed and leaned back into the chair, letting my hand go in the process. I flexed my fingers at the loss. "He came with news that there might be an attack to take advantage of the weakened state the Hokage may be in."

So soon. "It never changes, does it? No matter what I do, it never changes..." I brought my hand to my face and touched a stray tear that had fallen.

"At the heart of everything, we are ninja, Naruto, peace doesn't sit well with many."

I sighed at that. What she said was true, but it was a hard truth. It had been years since the war, this generation only grew up with the tales of the horror we all had to endure. I had wanted to keep it that way, but I wouldn't be Hokage forever. Eventually, this life would pass to the next generation. My life would be nothing more than a tale, a legend.

That legend might start sooner than I would like if I couldn't manage to survive this. I swallowed hard, that dull pain returned to my chest like a wave, followed by the worry, the wants, the desire to live. "He probably won't be able to fight, the only one of them that can produce their own chakra is the first. I didn't have enough energy for the third, and Neji wasn't meant to be used in a fight so I didn't give him that ability."

"Naruto..."

"Just... Just a couple more weeks, okay? Maybe they won't.. Maybe I can pull it off and I..." I trailed off. I was at a loss. I had no idea what to do. My clone was at best broken and unable to fight. I was in no condition to do anything myself and I didn't dare come out of hiding yet. My only hope was they could handle whatever was coming. That Hinata would protect the kids. That Sasuke could protect Konoha, that...

I messed up. I messed up worse than I had ever done before. I had left Konoha defenseless and in danger because of what I had done. By protecting my child I was nothing more than a traitor. As Hokage, I was supposed to put the village first, the people before my own needs. I had, for so long I did everything for them, I gave everything for them.

But this child, this child was too great a price. It seemed even I had a breaking point.

"What happens if he dies?"

"If who dies?" Her words snapped me back out of my thoughts.

"Your clone, what happens if he dies?"

"If he dies, he... He would..." I stared at her. I... I had no idea. What did happen to them if they died? Would I just absorb their memories like my other clones? I swallowed. Maybe I wouldn't even know if it happened. Maybe they were just their own entities, self contained with released chakra. Maybe nothing would happen.

She sighed. "I really hope, for both of your sakes, that it is nothing bad."

I couldn't help the odd sense of foreboding that came with the statement.

Just then, at the most inopportune moment, Hakuto came into the room. "Are you ready for my test?"

Temari gave an exaggerated groan and I smiled at her reaction. "You have the worst timing."

Hakuto's mouth twisted up into a lopsided grin, "Sisterly bonding?"

Temari through a pillow at her and I couldn't help but laugh. Truly laugh, it hurt, damn did it hurt, but it felt good. I hadn't laughed in far too long, I needed it. Our conversation could hardly be considered bonding but... Wait. Sisterly? I looked over to Temari. _Sister_. It was very possible that by the end of this she really _could_ be my sister, even if that was by marriage. I gave a sigh after I finally stopped laughing, ignoring the stares that they gave me for laughing so hard. "So stupid." I was getting along with her pretty well already, it was freakishly stupid by how much. Hanabi. Hinata's little sister. I really didn't know her all that well. I tried talking to her a few times, but it always felt a little awkward and we usually just ended up talking about dumb stuff like the weather.

"What's stupid?"

I looked away from them. "Hey, we could just get the test done, eh?" I didn't want to admit to the fact that I had grown pretty fond of the both of them over the past week. I wasn't looking forward to my time there ending.

I heard movement next to me. "Naruto, look at me."

I turned back to her. Hakuto stood next to Temari, her lips set thin. She pulled out a kunai and held it up to me. "Open your mouth."

Temari grabbed her wrist, anger written on her face. "What in the hell are you planning on Hakuto?"

"Trust me." Her face was blank, revealing nothing. The test. She was going to do something to test some kind of theory that connected Temari to my health somehow.

I fisted my hands into the sheets and gave a tight nod. "It's fine Temari, I think this needs to be done"

Her head snapped to me then she scoffed. She peeled her fingers away from Hakuto's wrist. "Fine, I don't like it, but fine." She leaned back into the chair with a scowl and folded her arms in a manner that reminded me of her brother.

Hakuto nodded at me and I opened my mouth and she placed the kunai sideways. I knew what to do, a brace for pain. I clenched my teeth down onto the blade and prepared myself for what she was about to do. "I'll begin. Look up."

I did as I was told. I barely had time to draw a breath around the blade before I found myself needing to bear down on it. A sharp, searing pain erupted in my chest. I groaned around the blade as the pain deepened, followed by a sickening tearing sensation. Suddenly, there was an overwhelming sense of relief, the pain ebbed away followed by a strange, ticklish sort of pleasure and warmth. What was she doing?

It didn't matter. The odd pleasure didn't last long as Hakuto removed her hand from my chest and all that remained was a sense of relief. She had... Healed me? There was a twitch in my ribs, and I remembered, at that exact moment, what had happened when Sakura had tried to heal me. My eyes widened in horror. Shit. Fuck no, she _didn't_.

She did. There was a reverberating _crack_ that echoed in the room and I screamed, bearing down onto the kunai in my mouth as I arched my back as I could feel my rib not only break, but continue to break. I whimpered and spit the kunai out of my mouth and yelled out when another loud crunch sounded, the pain shooting through my body. I couldn't think. Pain. I couldn't breath. _Crunch._ I vaguely heard shouting, words I couldn't place. _Make it stop._ I groaned out as a wave of pain and nausea swept through me as another rib started to splinter inside of my body.

Then relief. Instantaneous, nigh complete, relief. The pain ebbed away and I gave a shuttered breath as I fought to breathe. I could almost feel the bones move as I continued to breathe deeply, my body shaking from the shock of what had happened. Why... Why didn't they hurt? I looked down and seen Temari, her hand on my chest, a look of deep concentration on her face, a small sweat appeared on her brow. She wasn't... She wasn't trying to heal me, was she?

I began to panic. I wasn't sure if I could take another round of backlash, but before I could say anything, Hakuto placed her hand on my shoulder and shook her head then placed a finger on her lips for me to be silent.

Temari stayed in that position for a while, the longer she stayed that way, the more that odd relief spread through my body. Before long, it was almost pleasurable, the loss of pain. It was more than the patch and I involuntarily moaned from it. I gasped from the sound and clasped my hand over my mouth as Temari jerked her hand away, the relief thankfully lingering. We stared at each other a moment before she turned to Hakuto.

"What. In the hell. Was that." She was angry. Her mouth was thin, her brows furrowed tightly and her jaw was set. "Why would he calm down so much when all I did was give him some of my chakra? So, what in the hell was that?"

"Hope. That, Temari, was _hope_." Hakuto smiled then and gave a sigh.

I stared at her. Hope? I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was exhausted and all I could manage was a soft sigh. My head started to feel a little fuzzy. _Damn it._ I was going to pass out again.

"What do you mean?" Temari voiced the question I longed to ask.

"It means, that once you are able to get her to Suna, your brother might be able to stabilize her enough to get through this."

Stabilize? Suna?

I had an uneasy feeling I might not have a choice in anything anymore as I faded back out of consciousness, but embracing a new, important warmth. Hope.

I actually had _hope_.


	36. Invasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!  I have managed to keep my schedule so far with Launch week of my novel, and still managed to get another chapter for this done, as well as proof and revise an old 3 chapter Hermione/Snape story I did way back when.  *phew*  Busy busy.  Still have 2 more chapters to the novel to put out this week, and hopefully two more for this as well.  Slowly nearing the half point of the story (Aka- the end of the first part- Dang this thing is going to be ridiculously long hehe)  I would like to answer more questions on this, but if I did I think I would give away too much, so I am going to keep my lips sealed with this one.  :)
> 
> For anyone interested in checking out my Wattpad for my novel, InheritantS: Mark of the One, my user name is AndilDraco 
> 
> As always, reviews are always welcome and serve to inspire :D
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/user/AndilDraco

 

**Naruto**

**_Fwum-pf_ ** _!_

_CRACK_.

The bed I was laying in rumbled me awake as the sound of explosions registered in my mind. I sat up with a gasp. What was going on? There was a strong pressure on my shoulder that shoved me back into place on the bed and I looked over to Temari. What... What was going?

She was dressed in her ninja suit, her fan gripped in her hand while she stood next to the bed in a guarded pose. "Stay put."

"Temari, what's-"

"Shh!" Her mouth thinned out into a deep frown and her hand twitched on her giant fan.

Something happened. Something _bad_ had happened. I fidgeted. I was the Hokage. I was the one who was supposed to protect the village, it was me that-

**Fwum-pf.**

_Crack._

There was a stronger rumble in my bed and I froze as I heard the sound of shattering glass. My heart caught in my throat as the sound reverberated in my head. _No_. I slowly turned to the small bookshelf that I had placed my small treasure, the beautiful sculpture that Gaara had made for me. I felt sick. Gone. It was fucking _gone_. I growled at the broken glittery mess on the floor when I leaned over to see it, ignoring the semi-silent protest to my movement that Temari gave. I knew in the back of my mind it was wrong to feel more angry that those bastards had inadvertently broken my precious sculpture than I was for them attacking Konoha in the first place. I probably shouldn't be Hokage, really.

Seriously though, low chakra or not, if any of them broke into my room I what give them something to regret for that. _Bastards_. Gaara had to have worked hard on that and it was mine, he gave it to _me_. Now it was gone.

"Stop fussing over a god damned trinket. We are going to have to-"

_Crack!_ **Rumble.**

"I need to get you somewhere that is more safe than this. I was hoping to keep you here, but the explosions are getting closer. You are far more important than some stupid piece of glass, even if Gaara _did_ make it." She swiftly swung her fan up around her shoulder to her back and strapped it into place. She bent down and slid her hands beneath me.

My breath hitched in my throat as I realized what she was about to do. "Temari..."

"I'm sorry, Naruto." She didn't allow me to respond as she lifted up.

I screamed as I felt my ribs move inside my chest at the movement, then the scream reduced down to a groan as she settled me against her chest. How... How small had I become for her to be able to even do that so easily. The thought was only brief before she moved and I hissed to the movement. My mind was consumed with pain and trying to bear it. My body was battered and broken and I hadn't even been able to move in the slightest for the four days since Hakuto's exam.

I tried to focus on my thoughts about the events of the past few days, at least what I had heard of them. I groaned at a particularly jarring step and I leaned further into my carrier. Breathe. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Bear it. It would be fine. Not much longer. _Distract myself_.

Temari had mentioned that an army had been spotted splitting up just outside the land of fire not long after Sasuke had arrived. That the Hokage did nothing about it. Just shrugged it off.

Maybe it was a bad idea to have had him take the position. Maybe I should have just programmed him to step down and work at being a descent father for once.

_Rumble-Crack!_

I vaguely noticed a tree falling in the path Temari was running and it barely registered when she jumped to miss it.

However, I did notice when she hit the ground when a sickening shockwave emanated from my ribs and down my spine followed by deep nausea, dizziness, then a fading away of the world around me.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

My entire body ached, but my ribs, they outright throbbed. I didn't want to open my eyes, I felt comfortable besides the lingering pain that had followed my trip to wherever it was that Temari had taken me. I heard hushed voices, unfamiliar ones and I allowed myself to open my eyes and take in my surroundings. I looked up at what looked like a cave wall, similar to the sight I had seen when I had been trapped with Gaara.

 _Gaara_. Did he know what was happening? Would he? It was still three days away before the issue of communication could even be touched and brought to the attention of Suna, then who knew how long before a new amended document would take to fully pass through. How long, now that the village was under attack, would that even take now?

I swallowed before gaining the courage to move my head enough to see fully where I was laying. The explosions were muffled by the thick stone of the cave and I hoped it would be enough to keep us safe. I forced a hand to my stomach as I looked down. Temari was holding onto her fan which stood by her side and she was whispering to somebody. I strained to see who it was, but Temari's fan was blocking my view. I also couldn't hear what they were saying. It was bugging me. If I had enough chakra I would send in a clone to eavesdrop on them. I smirked at the thought. I missed it, making clones for all my whims. I could never use many for paperwork, their memories were always too much of an overload when they finished their work. One, maybe two at most, but they could handle every other aspect of my life easily.

Including the things that were most important. What should have been most important. I wonder, how many of my family photos were not of me? How many of them were taken with clones that had taken my stead in a lame attempt at making my family happy?

Too many. I clutched over my stomach. Different. If... If I could...

I would be different, I would put everything I had into raising this little miracle growing inside of me. Be a better mother than I could have ever thought of being a father. She deserved that. Parents, to be doted on. Who would be there. Even if Gaara couldn't do it, I would. If I was allowed that chance, I would definitely do that.

Temari finally moved and I seen that Shino was standing next to her. I felt the blood drain from my face. Just great, the bug freak would be the one to see me without makeup, without a wig. Of all the people to see me, it would be one of the ones that would be able to figure out my identity without much thought.

Honestly, that guy creeped me out, he was pretty weird. Probably why Hinata hung out with the guy so much. He looked over my way and nodded to me. Temari took the cue and looked behind her and she smiled at me. She came over to me, followed by Shino. "Naruto." His raspy voice was casual, as if it were natural to see me in the state that I was in.

"Shino." My voice was weaker than I wanted it to be, but at least, in spite of all my changes, I at least thought I still sounded like me. That much I was able to keep. For now anyway.

"I thought as much, Temari here would neither confirm or deny my suspicions, but my bugs, they do not lie."

I gave him a small hum. "Figures you would be here."

He frowned at me. "My class was assigned to evacuate here to the underground caverns near the Nara complex. It was hardly my intention to see you here."

I snorted at that. I had barely had a conversation with the guy in the past few years, in spite of him spending more and more time with my wife as the kids grew older. "Himawari isn't in your class."

"No, I thought it to be a conflict of interest." His voice was monotonous and his visor was as annoying as ever. Such a freaking creep.

"Why in the hell would it be? Boruto was in your class, at your request if I remember right."

"That's true, but it was different then." He crouched down next to me and rested his arms on the bed.

I had the sudden urge to stop speaking to him. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I had a bad feeling about where this was going. I couldn't stop the words I said next, "Why?"

He sat motionless for a moment, then shifted slightly. "Hinata."

My heart raced as I realized something that had never occurred to me before. "You love her." It was a statement. All the times that I had spent with their team, all the times I had spied them talking. I remembered that they would smile as they chatted away, I always assumed they were just talking about the kids or their old missions.

"Yes."

I swallowed. "Did you know?"

"Do not get me wrong, Uzumaki, but are you referring to your current state? I have no idea what is happening to you."

"No, about Hinata."

He leaned in closer, his lips tight. "What of Hinata?" His voice deepened with worry.

I couldn't help the smile that ghosted on my lips. So many years. So many years we had both lost holding onto something that we shouldn't have. "Hinata is no longer married, Shino. She annulled our marriage officially on my birthday." I reached a hand out to him, knowing now that he was likely part of the reason she had went forward with it. "Hey Shino, keep them safe for me?"

His forehead wrinkled a little hinting at his confusion at my words. "Naruto, what is going on with you?"

I whimpered a little as my arm moved enough to jostle my ribs before I was able to connect to his arm. "I might be dying. Something weird happened to me, but it's alright."

"What happened Naruto, what do you mean you could be dying?" It was him who grabbed my arm this time, tightly.

I gave a half laugh. "Didn't know you cared."

" _Naruto_." It was Temari this time, she was giving me a hard look.

I sighed. "I'm pregnant Shino." I looked up, not wanting to look at him as I confessed to the man who may have done something similar with Hinata. That thought twisted my stomach and I swallowed it down, knowing it would be hypocritical of me considering. "Hinata... She..." I choked on the words a moment, "She doesn't know. Not the full extent of it. I don't want her to know the whole of it. I don't want her to hurt because of me, not any more than I have put her through."

"I have not yet pursued her."

"Hmm?" I looked back to him and blinked.

"I just wanted to let you know. She has never been anything but faithful to you. She loved you, very deeply, I know."

I stared at him. Well, that was an unexpected reaction. "Well, that made one of us." My words were a little bitter.

"I at least had that figured out, otherwise it would be difficult to explain how you became pregnant." He paused, "More so difficult to explain."

"I'm a girl."

"I noticed." Another moment of silence. "Why Temari?"

My fingers twitched. He wasn't exactly the first person I really wanted to confess my undying love for the Kazekage to. Ah well, circumstances. "Gaara."

He jerked away from me and I followed him with my eyes. "Are you mad? This could start a war."

"I will personally be taking Narumaki to Suna once her health is well enough for her to travel." Temari was staring at me from her place, fan still in hand.

Shino looked to her. "I doubt they will allow it, Naruto is the Hokage."

Temari didn't take her eyes off of me. "They will have no choice, bug boy." She smirked and slid her eyes his way, "Unless they want a war."

He looked back to me, his mouth thin. "The Hokage is currently on the battlefield, what can I do to help?"

"Keep my secret, for now, just keep my secret." I looked back up to the cave ceiling and allowed myself to fall back into sleep, feeling exhausted once more.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

When I woke Shino was gone and I still wasn't entirely sure that it was a good idea for him to know about my secret.

He loved my wife. My _ex_ wife. Hinata.

Did she think of him the same way? If she did, how long? How long had I fooled myself into thinking that I could be the only person for her? That we would be forever. That I in turn could love nobody else other than her.

What fools we had been. Tears slid down my face as I thought of it. _Gone_. All of it, everything was gone. The innocent love we had shared. I had accepted it, needed it. I had needed her. She was the one who helped drag me out of my personal hell after Neji had died.

He never should have died. I hated him for that, it made me so angry, that he would allow himself to die for me. I never fucking asked him to. I never asked anyone to. Why in the hell did they all go so far for me? I wasn't worth it.

Gaara. Gaara was the one to bring the lands together to protect me. I knew his reason why, I didn't like it, but I knew. He was so angry with me, the look on his face when I had showed up that time... What had I seen then? Fear? Worry? Maybe both. Did he...

Did he love me then? Was it really possible? I looked over to the woman who was guarding my little space in the Nara caverns. Temari. She seemed to think it would be possible, and to be honest, I was starting to think she was avoiding trying to find away out of a forced marriage with Gaara. I gave a small sigh at the continued barrage of dull thuds. More explosions. I hoped it would be over soon. The sooner this ended, the sooner the communication network would be back up. Then, we could figure out a way to get me to Suna, to Gaara, to the only hope at survival through this.

So I could hold her in my arms. See her eyes. Count her little fingers and toes. Hear her voice. Yes, I needed to hold onto that hope. Just a few more weeks. I could hold on for just a few more weeks.

I felt weird. Like... Like there was a tickle in my stomach. Just below my navel, where the baby was growing inside me. I froze. What... What was that? I brought my hands there. Was she ok? Had anything happened to her? Another little tickle, it was kinda weird. Like there were little bubbles popping deep inside of me. "Temari!" I looked over to her. "Temari, I think something is wrong."

She looked at me, seen where my hands were and rushed to my side. "What is it? Tell me."

"I can feel... I feel something... Do you think she is ok?"

She stared a moment then broke out into a wide grin. "That isn't a bad thing at all." She laughed.

"What is it then, why are you laughing?" I glared at her. It wasn't funny. Something was going on with my baby, and I didn't know what.

"Calm down, you are fine." She knelt down and placed her hand on my abdomen. "She is just moving, letting you know she is in there."

I looked down to my stomach. That feeling... That weird little feeling was because she moved? I gave a small laugh. She moved. She was alive, maybe even thriving safely inside of my body, blissfully unaware of all the things going on outside of me. "Does that happen a lot? Do they move a lot?"

She smiled. "Yeah, she will, so you should get used to that feeling." She stood back up. "You really weren't around much for Hinata's pregnancies were you?"

I frowned at her. "She was private about it, thought the entire process was embarrassing or something like that. I never thought so, I wanted to know more. It was kinda weird, you know, having a tiny person growing inside of her. I seen her stomach grow, and I think she only had me feel Himawari kick just before she was born. It was kinda weird feeling." I paused, "Hey, do you think Gaara will want to know? Be involved I mean."

She smiled. "Probably. You know as much as I do he has a bit of a childish fascination with things, he will likely have that with this."

I gave a small hum as the odd little feeling dissipated. I frowned. "She stopped."

"Don't worry, alright? She will do it again."

I rubbed the skin over where she was. "I hope so. I really hope so."

I stayed there feeling oddly relaxed. She had moved. My little girl moved and somehow it made me love her even more. How was that even possible?

More thuds of explosions, this time making the cavern rumble a little. My brows furrowed. _Please, they need to defeat them._ My daughter's life depended on it. Boruto and Himawari's lives depended on it as well.

 _Thud, scrape, thud_. Rumble.

I swallowed. This... This didn't seem good. I looked over to Temari, the worry creeping onto my face. "Tem-"

I wasn't able to finish my sentence. My breath left me in an instant and I gasped desperately for breath, clawing at my neck as air left me. Wrong.

Everything was wrong. Something happened. Something bad.

Something very bad.

I fell to the floor and my body convulsed, pain shooting through my body. Something was wrong.

Oh gods, something was very wrong. There was a terrible pulling sensation, similar to when Kurama had been yanked out of me so many years ago. But it was different.

Very different.

I clawed at the floor. Something was being taken from me. Something important but I couldn't tell what. I moved my hands to my skin, trying to stop whatever it was from leaving me.

Wrong.

Pain.

Bad.

Very Bad. I needed... I needed... Anyone.

I pleaded for help. Something wasn't right. I heard a muffled 'pompf' with a flash of red and black before a great wave of loss overcome me. Gone. It felt as though a giant hole was torn through my body and...

It was... I was...

It was dark.

_Drip._

_Drip._

I opened my eyes and found myself in front of my old friend Kurama. I stared at him. Why... Why was I there? "Kurama?"

He opened one giant red eye. "Hey kid, before you say anything, I get it. I know how you are. I won't argue with it. However... I won't let us die either. I can't let you siphon any more of my chakra, or all three of us die here." He came down to my level, his nose nearly to mine.

The stench of his breath invaded my senses and I felt myself panic. He... He wasn't going to... "You can't hurt her!" I screamed it at him. No, not him too. I had to protect her, I had to.

"Forgive me." With the words he jabbed me hard in my chest and I was filled with a large burning sensation.

I gasped for air, as my vision faded away and I fell before him. "Why..." I felt weak. Weaker than I had ever felt. Unable to move.

"To save us all."

It was the last thing I heard before I fully lost consciousness.


	37. Blood Lust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a bit late, but it seems I over extended what I thought was possible for me to do in a week.  For this I do apologize.  I will be posting the next chapter tomorrow though, and I am sure I can do it because I am already over 2k into it.  It was all going to be a single chapter until I realized how much I wanted to put into it.  On the bright side, we are finally back to Gaara!  I am pretty sure Shinki is going to be OOC, but I only have a couple of panels of him that I have seen to base him off of, so I hope he is satisfactory.  Thank you for your reviews and everyone that may have checked out Inheritants!
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire :D

 

** Gaara **

I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.  I stared uncomfortably at Shinki who was returning my uncomfortable stare while pushing the food I had made around on his plate.  It was not a thing I normally did, so the boy likely thought I had either done something to make his life more difficult, or that I was about to.  I shifted in my seat.  I had purposefully had Kankuro go on some day long tedious mission so that I could have time with him, but I had no idea what I was doing.

I had helped raise this boy for more than ten years, why couldn't I just talk to him?  I took a bite of my dinner, salted tongue and potato gumbo.  It was some of my best work and my own son had barely touched it.  I frowned at him.  "You dislike your dinner?"

"It's fine." He broke his stare and looked down to his food.  With a sigh he took a tentative bite.  "More than fine actually.  That's what is bugging me, Father.  What have you done?"

"Nothing."

His stare resumed.  I continued to eat, bringing my eyes down to my plate.  I had no idea how to even word what I wanted to talk to him about and I had no idea if he would even answer me with complete honesty. 

"Why did you send Uncle Kankuro away tonight?"

I froze.  Of course he would notice that.  He had grown up around my methods.  When I wanted time alone with him I always sent Kankuro away, though I had stopped trying years ago.  It never had went well, I simply was not good at _children_.

They confused the hell out of me.

I took a deep breath.  I set my chopsticks down next to the plate of gumbo.  I brought my eyes back up to him.  It was odd to me.  The older he became he looked more and more like Kankuro.  Which was odd, because we had no idea who his parents were, just that he had to be part of our lineage somehow.  I studied him a moment.  Dark brown hair, slightly tilted eyes.  His face was more delicate than Kankuro's though.  Like mine.  He wasn't wearing his face paint, allowing me to see him how he was naturally.  Also, this was a rare occurrence anymore.  He was gone on missions most of the time with his team, or when he was in the village he never spent much time at home, let alone long enough for me to see him without his markings.

His brow furrowed slightly.  "What have you done this time?" His voice was low and accusatory.

I blinked and tilted my head at him.  "Nothing."

He groaned.  "There has to be a reason why you are having me eat dinner with you.  Are you sending me away for a month again?"

"No."

"Break something of mine?"

"No."

He paused, "Reassign my team?"

"No."  I probably should just ask him.  But how to word it?  I didn't want to just come out and say, 'I believe I am a terrible father, so tell me how to be better'.  There had to be a better way of saying it.  More elegant, less pathetic.

He seemed to pale and waved his chopstick at me.  "You didn't rearrange my room again did you?"

"Of course I haven't."

He frowned at me and took a bite of food.  "You make that sound unheard of.  It has only been about seven months since the last time you did it.  I put locks on the door for a reason."  Another bite.

Courage.  _I could do this_.  There was a knot forming in my stomach.  Something was off.  _Wrong_.  Very wrong.  Maybe it was because I wasn't ready to ask.  I needed to though.  "Shinki... I..."  Deep breaths.

He frowned, moved his plate aside and leaned on the table, arms crossed slightly.  "Father, if there is something you need to say, you can say it, ok?"

It wasn't right, wasn't it supposed to be the father that was supposed to be gentle and encouraging with the child, not the other way around?  I sighed.  No matter which way I worded my inquiry in my head it never sounded quite right.  Oh well.  I looked off to the side, unable to look at him while I asked.  "Shinki, I have not been the father that you have needed, have I?" My voice came quieter than I intended it to be, sounding more emotional than I wanted.

I became nervous when there was only silence to my question.  Had it been too unexpected?  Would he answer me?  "Father." He paused, "Look at me."

I clenched my jaw a moment and forced myself to look at him.  He was looking at me with his lips thin and jaw set.

"I know you do what you can.  Why are you asking me this?"

 _Maybe I shouldn't have._ "I..."  I trailed off, feeling the urge to bury myself in my sand.  Why was it so hard for me to try and connect with him?  Why did he always make me so nervous?  "I want to be better." I blurted it out before I could stop it.  It was the truth of it, but it was crude, simplistic.  He expected better of me.

He stared.  Openly stared.  "Father, I..."  He trailed off this time, at a loss of words himself.

Somehow that comforted me, even just slightly.  There.  _It was done_.  Yet...

I still had that sickening 'There is something very wrong' feeling.  Were we going to get attacked?  I shifted in my chair, needing to move.  _Off_.  Something was off and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  What could it be?  I tapped my fingers on my leg and moved to the window, leaving my confused son at the table to look outside.  Everything seemed ok.  There were no fires, none of the people were screaming, no alarms were sounding.  I swallowed in an attempt to shake the feeling.

I heard footsteps behind me.  "I'm gonna split, Father.  I..." He paused, "Maybe, just be around more?  That would be a good place to start."

I stiffened at the words.  Be around more?  Wasn't I there?  I turned to him, "I am not home often enough?"

He scoffed, "Yeah, but you aren't _present_ , you know?"  He accentuated the word 'present' and looked away from me.  "We never talk.  Not really.  We don't do anything, like we used to."

I frowned.  It had been easier when he was little.  There were no expectations, no need to worry about him being hurt on a mission, no need to worry if he would become strong enough to be a good Kage, no reason to be strict yet.  "We will do something then.  Soon?"  It couldn't hurt to have some time with him, could it?

He gave me a large, bright smile at that, making a small smile work it's way onto my own lips.  "Yeah, soon." He bit at his lip and turned from me, raised an arm up lazily, "Later.  I have some things I have to do." With that he rushed from the room, leaving me staring after him.

There was an odd fuzzy feeling in my chest.  I had just spoken to Shinki, and he had not left mad at me.  _Progress_.  I looked out the window.  The fuzzy feeling masked that odd feeling only slightly.  _Off_.

Something was very, _very_ off.  It was as though something bad were about to happen, or had happened, but I had no idea what.  I opened the window and ignored the rush of hot air that burned into my sand.  I watched the city below, watched as my son ran off on whatever errands he decided was pertinent enough to leave for, though I was sure he just wanted to get away from our odd conversation. 

Do something with him.  I wondered what.  I groaned, that feeling was like an itch I couldn't scratch, a sense of dread that had no outlet.  I paced a moment as I tried to shake the feeling and decided a moment of adrenaline might do the trick.  I took a step back and looked at my window.  Yes, that would do nicely.  I lurched forwards, moving my legs quickly for my purpose.

I jumped.  My breath hitched in my throat as the air rushed past me, a twisting sensation filling my stomach as I fell.  Then, it was over, the sand caught me as it slowed then stopped my descent to the ground.  The sand always caught me and I was grateful for it.  I stood and looked up at my open window.  Now what?  I sighed and forced myself forward, unsure of what I was going to do.  My meal with Shinki had not gone as planned and he had escaped long before I had planned on him leaving.  Then, there was the odd creeping sense of dread which grew with every passing moment.

Maybe I should go see Kimiko, there was something obviously wrong with me.  I decided this was the best course of action for my lingering sense of dread so I headed towards the Suna West Hospital.  It was at this hospital where my personal physician worked.  She would see me, she would always see me no matter who was there.  I was going to take advantage of that fact.  I groaned at the heat, walking out in the streets at this time of day in October was usually unadvisable.  I gathered sand beneath me, condensed it and lifted myself into the air.  I was simply not in the mood to bake inside my sand armor today.  I leaned my newly formed platform of sand forward and pushed it onward.  Travelling by sand was always much faster than traveling by foot, and the hospital was only around three miles away from where I was.

I ignored the few people who dodged out of my way and yelled in my direction as I rushed through the streets towards my destination.  I was only a few meters away from the hospital when something caught my attention from the corner of my eye.  I stopped fully as I looked upwards towards the thing which flew above my head at full speed.  I watched a moment before realizing that the thing was flying straight towards the Kazekage tower.  I stared at the bird, frozen to place.  Messenger bird.  I had not seen one of them come to Suna in years.  Not since...

That sick feeling was back.  _No_.

It couldn't be.

_Please be wrong._

I changed my direction and headed towards the same destination with an urgency I had not felt in years.  Wrong.  This was wrong.  This is what I had been dreading.

That bird.  It was from Konoha.  I recognized those markings.

_Naruto..._

Be safe.  Please, for all things living, be _safe._

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

I paced the floors more irritated than I had felt in years.  Angry.  I was _furious_ , and I swear if someone soon did not give me a satisfactory answer I would kill something.  Likely whoever entered the room next.  How fun would that be?  I could muffle their screams and clean the blood away before anyone would ever notice...

How dare they anyway?  I was the damned Kazekage, their supposed leader yet they deny me any information about what the bird had been sent for.  Top secret, only for the eyes of a particular member of the council mentioned by name.  Nobody else could see what was in the damn scroll.

The moment I figured out the person that had the information, I would interrogate them personally.  If I had to torture the information out of them, so be it.  I had to know.  What if Naruto was in danger?  What if something happened?  What if he-

 _No_.  I would not allow myself to finish the thought, yet that sickening thought remained.  _What if he had died_.  It was impossible.  I would never allow such a thing to happen, not if I could do anything about it.  Maybe I should have stayed in Konoha longer, maybe I should have forced him to tell me what was going on, maybe-

My thoughts were interrupted when the door slammed open, Kankuro rushing into the room.  "Kankuro?"

He barely glanced my way before slamming his fist against the door of the meeting room I had been banned from.  The door opened swiftly and he slid inside, the man opening the door merely muttering a soft apology as the door clicked shut and I was once again shut out.  Seriously?!

I seethed quietly from outside the meeting room.  Kankuro could be privy to the information sent from Konoha but I, the _Kazekage_ , could not know?  I growled.  That was it.  I was killing something.

But what to kill?  I paced, my sand twisting around me in response to my agitation.  A smile twisted on my lips as I remembered that there were prisoners in the basement.  Yes, those would do.

Nobody would miss them.  They were not from Suna, nor from any of our allies.  They were... Expendable.  A pleasurable chill fell my spine at the thought.  I could kill one of them.  Nobody would even notice their disappearance, they wouldn't even _care_.  It would almost be doing everyone a favor, and not just because they were deserving of punishment, but would keep my blood lust in check so I didn't accidentally murder something more precious than they were.  A dark chuckle escaped me as I snuck out of the room and headed down to the holding cells located beneath the basement of the Kazekage tower.  Few people even knew these cells existed, and nobody would ever dare question the disappearance of one of the prisoners.  My kill would be easy, satisfying.  I needed it.  I had needed it for quite some time now.

I camouflaged myself along with a small platform of sand.  I floated carefully by the guards, not wanting them to sense my presence.  It would be best if there were no witnesses to this.  It was far too easy.  Too easy to get by the guards, too easy to enter the secured cell blocks, too easy to find a particularly nasty criminal with no ties to any village.

I stared at him for a while.  The anger growing inside of me.  They were keeping any reports available on Naruto from me.  The one person I went out of my way for in order to constantly receive feedback on.  _For years_.  Ever since I was Kazekage I had sent spies to Konoha on the simple mission to tell me of the well being of the village and keep tabs on every move that one Naruto Uzumaki would make.  It was important to know.  When he had meetings, television appearances, anniversaries...

Maybe Kankuro was right that I was a little obsessed with him.  I didn't care.  For as long as he was safe, I did not care.  Lately however, I had not received anything, and I couldn't even get slight updates from Temari because of some sort of communication glitch.  Was technology that hard to keep up with?

I _knew_ letters were a better way of communicating.  I sighed and set myself down on the cool damp floor of the cell.  The man that sat in the corner stiffened and looked up sharply at the sound of my feet hitting the floor.  "Who's there?"  He moved his hand out, reaching for something he could use as a weapon.  "Show yourself."

I smiled.  I smiled a smile that had not fallen my lips in a long time.  I bared my teeth and narrowed my eyes, this man would die tonight.  How unfortunate for him.  I allowed him to see me then as I dropped the camouflage and took in the man's surprise.  "Lord... Kazekage?"

I gathered my sand around my body, not wanting to let the man into my head.  If I knew too much, I likely would have second thoughts and I really wanted to kill something.  Badly.

"Wait, please, let me explain.  I-"

I shot the sand out and encased him in it, encompassing his body in a tight cocoon.  I squeezed just a little, forcing a pained grunt to come from him.  "I do not have the desire to listen to your excuses."  Squeeze.

Another grunt.

My smile widened at the sound, the thrill of giving pain tingling at my senses.  Yes, I needed this.  Killing always held a thrill, a pleasure I could never compare to anything else and I had been getting too close to harming people that mattered to me.  The fact that I had nearly killed Kankuro not long ago came to mind and I gave another squeeze. 

"Please, I don't want to die, please..."  His voice was weak as he pleaded with me, hardly exciting at all.

I stared at him a moment.  He looked... Pathetic, really.  Quite pathetic.  I groaned.  _Damn it_.  I dropped the man to the ground and called my sand back to me.  I frowned at him.  "What is your name?"  I twitched with the need to kill, but I hadn't the gumption to actually go through with it.  I assumed I wasn't quite that desperate.  _Yet_.

The man coughed and trembled on the floor as he regained his senses.  I almost willed him to attack me, but the desire went unanswered.  He fell back slightly and looked up at me with a sigh.  "Does it even matter who I am?"

"I would have killed you." The statement didn't match his question, but I felt as though it needed to be said anyway.

He nodded.  "You didn't, thank you."

I formed a chair and sat in it, legs crossed and arms folded tightly to my body.  I narrowed my eyes.  "Why are you here?"

He laughed at the question and I raised my brow at him.  "Ironic, but I was hired to kill you a while back.  Not like I would have been able to, but I was caught taking the money."  He shrugged, "I'm a crook, that is all, but I made the wrong deal.  I'm paying for it.  Dearly."

I sighed.  _Shit_.  "I see." He was hardly worth my time, nor was he deserving a death penalty, especially not the kind that I would give in order to satisfy my craving to kill.

"Why did you stop?"

I stayed silent.  I owed this man no explanation.

He leaned back with a guttural groan, a sigh leaving him once he was settled back against the wall.  "Heh, and the men who hired me called you a monster.  Hardly."

I growled at him.  _Monster_.  I hated that word.  "Who said that I wasn't one?"  I meant the words.  To me, I was one to spite my distaste of the word.  After all, I had come here to murder him in cold blood.

"I would be dead if you were."

I glared at him and tightened the grip on my arms, trying to control the rage that was still building in me from all the secrets everyone was keeping from me.

"So why then?" He was prying.

"I don't know."  The words left through clenched teeth.  It was the truth.  I still wanted to rip out the man's throat, but I felt that he was not deserving of my wrath.  It was not a pleasant thought as that meant I would have to wait longer before I could take my rage out on someone.

He gave a small hum, and the conversation was over.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, a chapter!  Then tomorrow, the next one.  I am excited for that one, he goes to see his doctor :)  Of course my idea of excitement might not match everyone else's but I have been waiting a long time to bring Kimiko in to the story more.  Also, I wrote a little poem when my spotify decided to leave my playlist and go to a radio based on it, starting with this little song that broke into my very soul.  Anyway, if you're interested, here it is:
> 
> The Pugilist-Keaton Henson
> 
> I sit here
> 
> My mask a smile
> 
> A world in my fingertips
> 
> Happy for the solitude
> 
> Burying myself in my art
> 
> Yet
> 
> There I sit
> 
> A song that bears my mind
> 
> My secret desires
> 
> It plays in deceiving innocence
> 
> Bearing my soul
> 
> I listen
> 
> tears stain the desk below
> 
> I wipe it away
> 
> Determined to rid myself it
> 
> Those wants
> 
> They will not burden me.
> 
> I continue.
> 
> My art.
> 
> My method.
> 
> I will prove my worth.


	38. Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:  
> Yay, chapter! To help make up for the lack of updates. Anyway, this is the other part of Gaara. The next chapter will be the bridge chapter I have been talking about, then will return to the Gaara/Naruto narrative.
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this, and as always, reviews serve to inspire ^-^
> 
> o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

 

****Gaara** **

I had left the cell nearly an hour later, not a single word was said between me and the cell's inhabitant for the remainder of my time there. When I had finally bored of our stare down I had merely gathered my sand and left quietly, leaving the puzzled man I had nearly killed behind. I had stopped at the tower, but thought better of going inside. They had likely not changed their minds about letting me know anything and the confirmation of that would only make me angrier than I already was.

Instead, I went on with my original plan. I went to the hospital in search of Kimiko, if nothing else perhaps she could at least help me with my anger issue. It wouldn't do if I were constantly ready to kill whatever annoyed me, that was something I should have fully been over. Why was that urge getting more and more constant lately?

 _Naruto_ , it was likely Naruto. Because he was avoiding me, because he was keeping something from me, because he might be dying, because he made me feel things I shouldn't, because we had done _that_. I shivered at the thought.

I really hoped he was well. I swallowed as I entered the building and attempted once again to push the worry from my mind. I never had to say a word, the reception desk scrambled around quickly and paged my doctor to my private room. I smirked. The benefit of being who I was, a private examination room was always left unused in case of emergency or the random 'I need to complain about the ache in my elbow' moments. Those moments usually were more that I was bored rather than worried about some annoying ache that would eventually go away. Lucky for me, Kimiko had been my physician ever since I had returned from the dead, found especially for me by Temari who wanted the best in chakra restoration and manipulation due to my situation. She was an excellent doctor, I could never have found a better one if I had ever tried. Well, there was Sakura of course, but that didn't mean I wanted the annoying girl as a physician. _Hardly_. She was far too brash for my liking, the only reason I ever had any contact with the woman was because of Naruto, and there was always the little fact that she had saved Kankuro when I was off busy being murdered.

I ignored the bustling commotion my arrival to the hospital had caused and headed directly to my room, entered and sat down on the couch that was against the wall, legs and arms crossed as I waited. It was not long before the door slammed back open to reveal a somewhat irritated looking woman completely shrouded in baggy white clothes, the only part of her body visible was a small crescent shaped piece of her forehead. Another thing that I liked about her, she's almost as fully protected from the outside world as I was. "Kimiko."

"Lord Kazekage." Her voice betrayed more of her irritation with me, but I did not care. She usually was irritated by my always impromptu visits - they were one of the few things I never really planned into my schedule. "What do you need this time?" She straightened and shut the door more quietly than she had opened it.

"I've been losing control." Blunt, to the point, "I have nearly killed two people within the last month." Kimiko was one of the few people that knew fully of my anger issues and she served almost as much as a therapist as she did a doctor.

She sighed. "I see." She grabbed a chair and wheeled it in front of me. She gazed at me, or at least I assumed that she was gazing at me, her dark visor never allowed sight of her eyes. She was mysterious and she didn't have a past in spite of Temari's investigations, but she was also the best in her field. I trusted her inexplicably in spite of her lack of a background and I could never figure out why. "This bothers you."

I nodded. "Yes."

"Lay down, I will see if I can help."

I did as she asked and laid down on the couch.

She scooted the chair closer and hovered her hands over my head. I felt a soft tingling at my temple shortly after and I moved my eyes to watch her. I could never try to even read her expression as she never revealed any of her face to anyone. It was almost calming to me that I had a level playing field with the woman. "So it happened for you."

"What happened?" I turned to her when she moved her hands away from me.

"I thought that it could be a possibility, but it was too much of a maybe that they never took my word for it." She moved the chair away to allow me to sit up, "The areas of your brain that process attraction and arousal have been opened. It is possible your increased levels of anger are due to this change."

I frowned at her. "You could tell that?"

She gave a small hum in response.

I felt my face grow hot in embarrassment and I looked away from her. I hoped that she could not tell that I had acted on those new feelings.

"You've done something about them?"

My eyes widened but I did not move beyond that. My heart thudded in my chest almost audibly.

"You have. Maybe you should act on it more to relieve the other issues you have."

I jerked my head to her. Was she suggesting...? "I can't."

She sat silently in the same position. "The person you desire is out of your ability?"

I pursed my lips and nodded stiffly. "You could say that."

She answered with another hum. She stood without a sound and moved to the door.

"Wait." I stood up abruptly, not ready to be done with her. She hadn't addressed my anger issues yet.

She looked over her shoulder at me, or at least her head moved enough to determine that was likely what she was doing.

"What can I do to control this? Can't you do anything?"

She gave a deep laugh at the question, "Hardly." She tilted her head, "I can however suggest self medication."

"What do you mean by-"

She cut me off, "You will figure it out, Lord Kazekage. I have faith in you. Enjoy your day!" I could hear the smile in her voice as she left the room, leaving me alone a little bit confused.

 _Self medication_? What in the hell did she mean by that? I growled and left the room even more agitated than I had arrived. This was not my day. So much for my doctor alleviating my symptoms, what in the hell good _was_ she? With a groan I headed back to my other headache, the Kazekage tower where I would hopefully be able to convince someone to help me with my need to find out information about the Hokage.

However, Kankuro was standing outside of the building, looking quite grim when I had arrived. "Kankuro?" He had been in _there_. He had information. I needed that information.

"Gaara..." He trailed off, his voice sounded tired.

I grabbed him by his collar. "Tell me, what is going on, it is Naruto, isn't it? Something has happened."

He pulled away from me. "I don't know what is going on with Naruto, Baki wouldn't say. Said something about there being some sort of memory seal keeping the information hidden."

"Then why-"

He interrupted me, "I have to go to Konoha."

I stared at him. What? "I will go with you."

"No, he said the note specified that I was the only one to come. Gaara... Something _did_ happen."

My heart beat wildly in my chest, that sense of dread returning. "What is it?"

"Seems like I have to verify the worthiness of your new wife."

Wait.

Wife?

 _What_?

I stared at him a moment knowing he had to be bluffing. Naruto would never pull such a stunt. Would he?

No, he wouldn't.

Would he?

I blinked and managed to speak, "What?" Not elegant, but at least it was a discernible word.

Kankuro narrowed his eyes into a glare, "Looks like the Hokage ordered you marry some girl from Konoha in order to keep our treaty intact, there was some weird clause in the last one you looked over. Wouldn't happen to know what that would be, would you, Gaara?" His voice was acidic, accusatory.

My mind wasn't working. What was in the contract I signed anyway? Nothing seemed that off about it, but I hadn't really read it at the time, I was a little... Distraught at that moment.

What had Naruto done? Did he really want to be rid of me so badly that he would-

No.

 _Naruto_ wouldn't. Not the Naruto I knew, but with the Naruto that was acting as Hokage, it made it a possibility. He had been so off, angry, _broken_. That had not been him though, it had been some sort of clone. Finally I shook my head no to Kankuro's question. What had I _done_? If I only had not allowed my emotions to cloud my judgement I would not have to take some random woman as my wife. I wondered if Kankuro found the woman acceptable, how soon I would have to marry her. I wondered if Naruto knew about this. I wondered if he would care. I wondered if he would still want me, if he even did in the first place. Could I even go through with such an arrangement? I had no interest in letting some strange woman into my house. _Why_ _would they_ -

I felt myself pulled forwards and the strong crushing feeling of arms wrapped around my body and I noticed that I had been trembling. My breath hitched as I comprehended the hug that Kankuro had me in. Why was I being hugged so much lately? Why was I _letting_ them hug me?

"Hey, don't worry. I'm sure whoever it is probably isn't worth your time. It will be fine, I'm sure of it, so don't worry."

"Kankuro." I took a deep breath and pried myself out of the man's arms. "While you are there, find out what is going on with Naruto?"

He gave me a curt nod, "Yeah, I will find out for you. I won't be long. A week at most. I promise, alright?"

A week without Kankuro? I felt cold. I hadn't been that long without him there. I would be alone. I looked away and I nodded slowly in response. I didn't like it, not that it mattered, but I really didn't like it. Who would I talk to while he was away? Who would I take my frustrations out on, who would help me deal with this odd new prospect, who would keep me calm when I worried about Naruto, who would buffer my talks with Shinki, who would-

" _Gaara_." His voice was firm and I forced myself to look at him.

I was afraid that my panic at his leaving, the worry from everything contained in that note, for Naruto - would show on my face. I refused to say anything, not sure if what I would say would betray me no matter the words I chose. I didn't need him.

_I did._

I never liked to admit it, but I was sure that he knew how I really felt.

"Trust in Shinki, bond with him while I'm gone or something, will ya?"

I gave another nod, feeling as though my throat was completely constricted. Married. They were going to force me to marry someone from Konoha.

They would actually go through with that? What in the hell had faux Naruto put in that damned contract in order for them to even consider... By order of the Hokage?

Was this marriage arranged by that damned thing? Did it even know about what happened between me and-

Probably. Might be why he did it. 'Make Gaara happy' or some such rot. _Idiot_. Didn't he know if it weren't with him I would prefer to never get married? I froze at that thought. What in the hell was I even thinking?

Marry Naruto? That wasn't even a possibility. He was a man, and he was the Hokage and he was my best friend and...

And he was making me think without correct grammar. That _bastard_. I blinked as realized Kankuro was already gone. His absence left me alone in the terrible heat which was threatening to bake me from inside my sand armor. The stuff helped keep me cool when I was in the shade, but in direct sunlight, not so much. I quickly ducked into the tower and made my way up to my office, taking the stairs instead of the lift.

Which was not a brilliant idea at all. I hate stairs. What in the world had I been thinking? By the time I reached the top for my office, I was out of breath. I stopped at the very top, hunched over with my hands on my knees and gulped for air, hoping that nobody happened to be up there to witness their all powerful leader succumbing from a climb of twenty stories worth of stairs. Why was this building so large anyway? Did we really need this much room to run a city? Probably, otherwise I would end up looking as exhausted as Naruto who brunted the majority of all the work his village needed. I at least had a small army of people working on the less important government tasks due to the large amount of civilians that lived in Suna.

Naruto, I wish I could stop thinking about him, but that seemed to be impossible. Had I really thought about the possibility of marrying him instead of the strange woman they would bring to me? Would the fact that I found the prospect far more appealing than marrying some strange woman? To most I am sure it would be. I straightened myself, sighed and headed into my office. "Shinki?"

The boy was sitting on a couch near my desk, fully lounged back, now in his usual full face paint. "Hey."

I openly gaped at the boy, confused to why he was there. He never sought me out unless... "I am not going to assign you a mission until your uncle has returned."

He sighed and sat up fully, swinging his legs over the edge. "That isn't why I'm here."

I frowned and moved to my desk where I sat down. "Why are you here then?"

He looked over to the window and I could see his shoulders tense at the question. "Uncle Kankuro called me. Said something about fetching me a new mother. What exactly was he talking about?"

I groaned. I couldn't even consult my own son about such things? He had to tell him for me. Wonderful. "I just found out myself. It would seem Konoha finds it necessary that I need to marry some woman of their choosing to keep peace."

I was answered only by silence for a few minutes. I had started to flip through the random paperwork as I tried to distract myself from my errant thoughts about Naruto. That the council thought it necessary to keep me in the dark about what was going on with Konoha. That I was somehow going to have to be ok with this odd farce of a marriage and how I genuinely didn't want to be married in the first place. I had given up on such ideas years ago, and with Shinki I had no reason to get married in the first place anyway.

What were they playing at? I did not need some woman to keep me happy. I had my job. I had Kankuro and Shinki. Honestly, what more did I need beyond that as long as Naruto agreed to remain my friend?

"It bothers you."

I moved my eyes from the paper I was pretending to read to my son. "Perhaps."

He frowned, "Then why let them do that?"

I shrugged, "I have not seen what the full demands are yet. I will know more when your uncle returns, besides he tends to be rather protective. I have no worries that if he finds her satisfactory, she will be worthy of being my wife."

"Father, that isn't what I mean."

I returned my gaze to my papers. It didn't matter. All this was political anyway. Just because my body suddenly started to work with just the thought of Naruto didn't mean it would work with some random woman, nor did I have the remote desire for it to. I had no interest in anyone, and I wasn't even sure yet if I actually had that sort of interest in Naruto fully. Or at least, an interest I was willing to admit to. "It would be a platonic and political marriage. I have no interest in such things with-" I sighed, "It would not be the first time they have tried to marry me off for political reasons. I have always been thankful for being able to adopt you as it stopped that nonsense. This, however, is something different. This is to solidify a peace that should never have been able to have been breached, yet it has."

"They can make you do something like that just because it makes sense politically?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"I don't like it."

I moved my eyes away from the paper I still had not brought myself to read, "Neither do I."

"Then don't." He flopped back onto the couch, his arms crossed. "I don't really want a mother. I never needed one before, don't really need one now."

I frowned. He was affected by this as well, it wasn't just about me. I set the paper down. I wasn't necessarily in the mood to work anyway. "Would you like to go with me to the gardens?" The place always calmed me some and it would help me come up with ideas for my project.

"The gardens?" He sighed, then shrugged. "Why not?" He pushed himself off the couch and looked at the window, a smile creeping onto his face. "Hey Dad, thinking what I'm thinking?"

My eyes widened. He just... Called me 'Dad' and... I looked at the window. I hated stairs. Was he thinking about... "I will have to hang onto you." I usually didn't allow him to jump with me, jumping was far too dangerous, he didn't have mindless control over the sand. What if he panicked and I had to end up scraping his body off the ground below?

That would _never_ be an option. Shinki was one of the few people I was fiercely protective over, but if I jumped with him, and I was holding onto him while I did... It would afford me his good graces for a while, and I needed that at the moment since Kankuro was taken from me for a while. I sighed. I had made up my mind. Out the window it was. All twenty stories of it. I spared a glance his way and felt my insides mush a bit at the large grin on his face. I hadn't seen that on him enough, usually it was in a frown that mimicked my own lately. It sort of disturbed me. Had I allowed him enough time to simply be happy? I was not sure.

I held my hand out to him and he almost bounced over to me. I smiled at him. I had not spent enough time with him, it really was about time. I had been half obsessed with the boy when Kankuro had first found him after receiving reports about an orphan manipulating sand at just four years of age. I had immediately decided that I would adopt him, show him how to control it. The move would also fend off the council members who wanted Kankuro to get a wife after it was deemed it was impossible for me to truly father any children. He had been thankful, and I had a new family member who suddenly needed me. It had been far too much for me to handle, but it was something I welcomed easily in spite of my shortcomings.

I grasped the eager boy to me tightly, hugging him for the first time since I had brought him into my home. I lifted him off the floor with the help of my sand and ran for the window and leapt from it. I smiled at the yell that Shinki made as we started to plummet and twisted myself mid air as we fell. I took a breath and closed my eyes, allowing the sensations of the fall to fill my senses. It was always a welcome feeling, falling. I felt the sand gather beneath me, buffering the fall, slowing us until we were firmly on the ground, safe.

Shinki gave a small 'woop' sound and jumped in the air. "I am doing that again, that was amazing!"

I glared at him. "You are not. Now let's go."

He groaned. "I knew that wouldn't last long." He followed me, the grin still lingering on his face.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

We hadn't spent much time in the greenhouse when there was a small commotion outside. We both headed out to see what was going on and we were informed that there had been a team of ninja reporting from Konoha heading to the Kazekage tower. They had rushed through insisting that the matter was highly important. The pleasant feelings of spending time with Shinki fell away in an instant as my worry for Naruto was remembered. I looked to him and he nodded to me in understanding. I was surprised when I heard footsteps behind me as I ran through the streets, ready to intercept them so that I could finally figure out what was happening. That sick sense of foreboding returned full force. This wasn't just about a marriage, I knew there had to be more. I quickly rounded corners, mentally preparing myself for the worst, knowing that even with any amount of preparation, I would never be able to handle it.

Be ok, be ok, be ok. The words played continuously in my mind until I finally reached the tower, gathered my sand and headed up to my open window, forcing it to go straight up without hesitation. I heard the metallic shift below me, the only thing that alerted me to the fact that Shinki was following me. I had barely made it back to the room when the door was flung open, a team of four ninja appeared wearing Konoha fashion, a team I had left there to keep tabs on Naruto. I swallowed.

"Report, now." I quickly gathered the sand around me, pushing it into the shape of a gourd, landing the object onto my hip.

The jounin of the group stood forward. "News of Naruto Uzumaki, Hokage of Konoha."

I nodded, "Continue." _Finally_ , news.

The other three exchanged a brief look and their jounin continued, "A large scale attack was made on Konoha to which the Hokage and his team of elite ninja entered into battle. They were pushed back, but as always they started to have the upper hand. The explosions came to a close, and-" The man's voice squeaked and he looked away from me. He took a breath, one that made my heart beat rapidly in my chest and a lump formed in my throat. "Just before the close of battle, Naruto Uzumaki was killed in action."

I stared.

What.

What did I just hear?

Naruto... He was... I must have misheard him. "Repeat that." I didn't want him to, but he was incorrect, this intel was wrong, Naruto could not simply be killed in battle. He wouldn't let it, he healed too fast, this was wrong. It had to be.

He repeated it, but the words were dull, hollow and echoed inside my head.

"Dismissed." The word was strained.

"Lord Kazekage-"

" _Dismissed_!" I hissed the word out, allowing my anger at the news to show on my face. Was this why they wanted me to marry some damned woman from the village? Because Naruto had-

No. He couldn't be. It had to be that damned clone. Had to be. Naruto had to be alive. I braced myself on my desk and stared at the dot there as my breath escaped my lungs. No.

I had to focus. I had to...

I had to...

I needed to go to Konoha. I didn't care if they didn't want me. I had to know if he was really gone. I had to see it for myself. I had to make sure that the real Naruto wasn't just in hiding yet.

He would have been smart enough to hide, wouldn't he? He wouldn't have just charged into battle feeling the way he was would he?

"Father?" His voice was tentative, concerned.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I pushed it away. "Stay." It was the only word I could say. I jumped back out the window, this time forming a platform and using the momentum of the fall to push me forwards. I could make it in a day if I pushed myself. I needed to get there. I needed to get there quickly. The real Naruto could still be alive and nobody knew, maybe...

I had to find him. I wouldn't allow him to be dead. Maybe I could figure out that damned jutsu that old woman had used on me. Part of my own existence was formed from his energy anyway, it would be fitting to give it back. Suna could live without me. Shinki could run it with the help of Baki.

Naruto _had_ to live. The world couldn't go on without him, they could however go on without _me_.

I didn't deserve life, _he did_. He deserved everything.

I rushed forwards as fast as my sand could take me. I would exhaust my chakra by the time I got there by travelling this way, but I didn't care. I didn't remotely care. I had to get there. Quickly.

I had made it to the passage in minutes, I never bothered to tell the guards I was leaving.

Almost out.

The light was always so bright when leaving after being in the steep cliff passageway that kept Suna connected to the outside world. I squinted my eyes, staying crouched, pushing forwards.

I barely noticed the sand as it moved on its own to protect me, but I noticed as my platform suddenly dissolved, forcing me to land on the ground below me as it swooped around quickly to fend off the attacks of someone who had enough stupidity to attack me. I growled. I did _not_ have time for this.

I stood straight and crossed my arms, my anger boiling up. Finally. Something I could kill. I smirked. Unlucky idiots. To choose such a time as this to attack me. I was in no mood. My sand lashed out at the assailant who was moving quickly, and somehow successfully maneuvering around the sand, breaking it up, getting closer. I frowned. What sort of this was this, it was as though the person was cutting directly into my chakra connection to-

I stopped my attack. It couldn't be, but it was too much of a coincidence for me to ignore the possibility. There was only one clan that I knew of that had that sort of ability, and only two that would be good enough to use that ability against me, and one of them was already dead.

I swallowed, my eyes widened as my assailant stopped their attack and stood before me.

A woman with a determined look to her, jet black hair, white eyes.

I was being stopped by none other than Naruto's own wife, Hinata.


	39. Bridge Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  I have another day off (and two more, ouch, but hey it is good for the writing front at least)  So I am going to try to pump out these next few chapters as fast as I can.  I decided to break the Bridge into three parts, all from third person pov, from different pov's.  The first will be from Sasuke, the second from Temari and the third from someone unexpected (I dare you to guess).  These are meant to fill in the blank spot between what happened to Naruto and when Hinata goes to see Gaara so everyone knows what is going on.

 

 

** Sasuke **

The invaders were hardly subtle in the way that they worked.  They barged into their destination with cruel intent and the need to kill everything in their path.  They had no need to spare anything, no physical structure, no resource, no lives.  It was pure and simple destruction.  The idea was to take advantage of the reports that the most powerful ninja was either sick or injured and therefore unable to protect his village.  Regular jounins they could handle, the great Naruto Uzumaki was a different story altogether.

The invasion was led by a man then went by the single name of Bakura, and nobody had actually seen him, yet received their orders through liaisons that would relay all information through a carefully applied network of ninja.  The first wave of attack started with a wall of around twenty ninja, expendable ninja who started the explosions with a flurry of hand signs, destroying a large amount of the forest on the outside borders.

Draw away the ninja from the village towards them, split them up, make it harder to defend.  Their ploy succeeded, but at the cost of most of their lives.  The three remaining ninja from the first wave were secured and brought in for questioning but as they started to head back, another round of explosions were heard, this time closer to Konoha.  A few minutes later, another round of explosions were set off, this time inside of Konoha.

It was at this time that enough was enough.  Sasuke pounded on the door of the Hokage's office, demanding an audience.  "Damn it Naruto, what the hell?  Idiot, the village is under attack and you're just going to fucking sit in your office like nothing is happening?" _Bang.  Bang_.  "Open the god damned door before I break it in."

"Fuck off Sasuke." Naruto's voice was thin, dark.  Very unlike Naruto's usual tone.  No determination.  No caring, no warmth.

Sasuke growled at the door.  "Have it your way, idiot."  He dropped his arm, gathered his chakra to form his chidori and with a small yell pushed it into the door in front of him.  "Enough!  I have had enough of your shit, Naruto."  He walked through the rubble that was once the door.  "I have been trying for days to see what in the hell is wrong with you, but you can't just lock yourself away, no matter what the hell the problem is, damn it."

Naruto was sitting at his desk, arms lightly folded and didn't even bother moving.  Not even to spare the man in the room who had just burst down his door a sparing glance.  He didn't even flinch when an explosion happened close enough to shake his desk.

"Naruto, look at me, damn it."

He gave a sigh and moved only his eyes up.  They were dull, emotionless and dead looking.  "It doesn't matter if I go.  They will be able to do what they need to without me."

"You are the _Hokage_ , Naruto.  It is our job to protect these people, not let them die because we can't fucking be bothered with it."  It bothered him.  Seeing Naruto like this bothered him.  Sasuke had been in the darkness far too long and understood when he seen that look.  Broken.  It wasn't right on Naruto.  Not Naruto, who was supposed to be full of life and brightness.  He had saved him from himself at a cost he always felt guilty for.  He wanted to remember what Naruto had done for him, remember what he had done.  It was why he had refused the prosthetic, why he couldn't bear staying home for long when he did come back.  It wasn't that he didn't want to be there, be with Sakura, be with Sarada but...  Naruto looked back down at his desk and he slammed his hand in front of him.  "Damn it Naruto, pay attention.  Stop being such a cry baby."

This time Naruto reacted to him, his shoulders tightened and he looked up at him, this time anger lingering in his eyes, his brows bent down and his lips set thin.  "Don't push me, you bastard."

Sasuke smirked.  _Anger_.  This was at least better than that dead looking lost face he had been carrying most of the time since he had returned to Konoha.  He had barely said two words to him, had barely moved from his desk so he would take anger.  Anger meant life.  He could _work_ with anger, it was an emotion he was intimately familiar with.  "I'll keep pushing until you fucking do something, idiot."

Naruto growled and nearly made Sasuke take a step back when his eyes flashed red a moment.  Instead, he set his jaw and leaned in a little closer.  "So how about it, _idiot_ , going to help us get rid of these morons?  Or have you become too weak?"  Their eyes connected and then he took a step back, placing his hand on his hip, waiting for Naruto to take the bait.  He was never one to back down from a challenge and he knew from past experience that accusing Naruto of not being able to do something only made him work harder at it.  He hoped that his friend wasn't too far down the rabbit hole to not still be affected by that.

The movement was stiff and slow, but Naruto stood, never taking his eyes off of Sasuke.  " _Fine_.  I'll go." He turned from him then, and headed towards the door.

Sasuke sighed, it was the most responsive he had been in days.  It felt like progress, but still was not good enough progress.  He would have to try harder when this fight was over.  Maybe the fight would do him good, bring him out of whatever issue he was having.  He reached for his shoulder just to have his hand brushed away roughly.  "Naruto..."

"I'm not going to talk about it, so don't ask.  You wouldn't get it anyway."  His voice sounded hollow, and he rushed off in a flash.

Sasuke frowned then followed him, still unsure of how to help him.  He remembered him talking about them being relics of a forgotten past, that the world didn't need them anymore, but that had been a couple years ago.  Had the pressures of the position really have gotten to him so deeply?  He rushed after Naruto, towards the battlefield.  He noted briefly that the explosions had leveled much of the Nara complex, deeper into Konoha now.  It was as though it was a methodical annihilation these bastards were going for.

Sound strategy.  But unfortunately for them three of the most powerful ninjas who currently walked in the world lived in the very village they were attacking.  There was Naruto, who in spite of his issues he knew would fight tooth and nail once in the heat of battle, Sakura, his lovely wife who he should spend more time with rather than yelling at the annoying Hokage through a closed door for days.

That bastard, if he ever cheered up, he would kill him for the lost time with his family.  He pushed himself harder, catching up to Naruto and matching his pace.  He looked over to him, his face set in determination.  It was then Naruto looked back to him, his bright smile graced his lips for the first time in days.  "We got this, right Sasuke?"

A smile ghosted on his own lips.  He had been right.  Nothing like a battle to raise the spirits of the Hokage.  "Yeah, they won't know what hit them."

Naruto gave a small laugh and raised his hands up, creating clones, a massive amount of them.

That... That didn't seem right.  He hadn't really used such a tactic in years, usually just depending on sage mode or Kurama to end battles quickly.  What was he up to?  "Naruto?"

He waved and split away from him, a smile still on his lips.  Maybe he was just having fun with it?  It seemed like an unnecessary drain of chakra though, and they hadn't even made it to the battle yet.  He gave a small groan, ignoring the sense that something was a bit off and chalked it up to Naruto being Naruto like usual.  Ahead, where the explosions were being detonated, there was a line of shinobi quickly doing hand signs slightly off in time, forcing the resulting explosions to explode at intervals, scattering the defense, forcing them back.  It really was a descent attack strategy, one he may have used if he had the sort of forces they had and the use of such a technique at his disposal before his salvation.

Naruto jumped into action, his many clones throwing rasenshurikens into the blasts, counteracting them, forcing the explosions back onto the attackers.  It was all too much, even for Naruto.  He was making a spectacle of himself, throwing himself at the enemy, pushing them back, scattering them single-handedly.  Yet, Sasuke knew he hadn't been up to par lately from what Shikamaru had been telling him, his mood hadn't helped either.  This wasn't the normal unpredictable ninja, but this was something else entirely.  The more Naruto did, the more unease settled into his stomach.  Something wasn't right.  He hadn't been this reckless since they had been kids.  He used his sharingan to find the real one, knowing the subtle difference in his chakra patterns to know the real one after many years of practice.  He dodged and killed his way to him, blocking shurikens, jumping on the bodies of enemies, cutting through others with his sword.  Something was off with Naruto, he could feel it in his gut and he wasn't going to ignore it any longer.  He was being reckless, and being reckless on the battlefield often led to death no matter how skilled the ninja.

There was no way in hell he would allow Naruto to fall to something as stupid as a damned invasion.  He forced his way forward, fighting his way to him, not even concentrating on the actual battle going on around him.  He had to get to Naruto.  He had to stop him, he had to get him away.  Something wasn't right in the way he was fighting, it was as though he was purposely diffusing all of his chakra.  Why would he do that?  It made no sense, it was as if he has a death wish.

Sasuke felt cold as his eyes widened at the thought.  That made more sense than anything.  The way Naruto acted since before he even arrived in Konoha made it seem as though he had given up on life.  Maybe he did give up.  He moved faster.  Closer.  Just a bit...

Most of the enemy had dispersed, pushed back by Naruto's efforts, but the battle was hardly won.  There were still more heading to the front lines as the current attackers were either cut down or retreated.  One more wave.  He just had to get through this last wave, and he would be able to take Naruto back. 

What in the hell had he been thinking?  Naruto was nothing like him, not emotionally.  Naruto held a burden not many could carry, a past he tried not to remember, he was just as damaged as he was but he was much better at hiding it, pretending to seamlessly blend into society while he himself was just overwhelmed by it all.

Redemption, fighting, doing what he had been doing for so long would never equal the things he had done wrong, it would never fully atone for his actions.  Naruto however was the very presence of light in the world, without it...

He did not want to imagine that world.  A world without Naruto.  No matter how many times he had tried to kill him only to fail, he had never really wanted to do it, not really.  Not from the depths of his soul.  Naruto was the only one he had, the only family beyond his wife and daughter, he couldn't...

Faster.  He needed to move faster.  Why had he moved so far away?  "Damn it!" He sliced a man in two when he got in his way.  He was losing time.  He could feel it.  Another wave of clones emerged who in turn threw another slew of rasenshuriken at the enemy.  He could see him well now.  Naruto stood, his smile faded a moment as the next line of enemy shinobi started to go through the hand signs needed for their explosions. 

Sasuke felt a chill as Naruto looked over to him and smiled.  He didn't move, just smiled.  "Naruto!  Move, get out of there!"  He screamed it, he yelled it as loud as his voice would allow, but it was too late.  He was still too far to be able to do anything about what was to come. 

Naruto looked away from him, an easy, blissful smile fell on his lips as he stood, shoulders back, arms outstretched as if welcoming the blast.

Everything went in slow motion.  He genuinely wasn't fast enough.  He had _failed_ him.  What had he done?  He should have left him at the Hokage tower where he would have been safe.  The thoughts rushed through his mind as his friend, his _brother_ , stood in front of him drained almost fully of chakra.  He screamed his name to no avail, powerless to stop what he was seeing before him.  Naruto's hair flowed in the air as it rushed past him, his body almost floated up as the explosive chakra neared him in the dead space of where it was heading.  He screamed at him again, willing him to come out of whatever funk he was in long enough to fucking move, but his wish fell silent.

In an instant it was over, he was tossed back by the explosion that was set off only a few feet from where Naruto had been standing, his regenerative abilities only keeping his body more or less intact as he rushed to him, ignoring the sizzling heat of the ground that was below him.  "NARUTO!"

Panic.  Naruto, he couldn't be...

Naruto...

He knelt over him, not even knowing where he could even try to touch him.  Blood.

Fucking blood everywhere.  He forced his eyes to his face so he didn't have to see the man who was his brother's insides which were precariously visible now.  "Damn it, Naruto."

He was barely alive, his eyes seemed light again, more so than they had been since his return.  "Sas... Sasuke, watch th. The kids, they.."

"Shut up, keep your energy, Sakura will be here, just hold on, okay?"  He could feel it, the hopelessness to those words, the lies they held.  Sakura was too far away, he didn't know enough medical jutsu that could heal the wounds he held and Naruto simply hadn't enough chakra left for his own body to fix itself.

"Let go, itsss" The word was followed by a breathy exhale and a sickening stillness that ripped through Sasuke's heart.  Gone.  Naruto was _gone_.  He screamed out his torment and turned to the bastards who had done it.  _Them_.  They had killed him.  _Naruto_.  The light of the entire shinobi world, they had fucking _killed_ him.

_They were going to fucking pay._

With a roar he rushed forwards, uncaring how many of them he killed, decimating the enemy, destroying every living being that could have been responsible for what had happened.

The rest of the enforcements watched silently, shocked by the unmoving body of their Hokage, leary of the fury of his best friend.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

He felt numb, like he was in a dream and none of this was happening.  He forced his legs forwards as he tried to ignore the weight in his arms, the wet coldness that soaked into his clothes from the weight in his arms.  The fact that the weight in his arms was the body of his best friend.

Alone.  That idiot had gone and left him alone again.  He dug his fingers into him, fighting back the tears.  He was supposed to be the strong one, the one that could manage to make it through everything, the one who never got corrupted. 

Sasuke was the one who was supposed to die first.  He wasn't supposed to be the one carrying the other's body back to the village.  He wasn't the one that-

He growled and lunged forward.  He couldn't do it.  He couldn't carry him like that.  He couldn't keep holding him as though nothing were wrong.  As though he didn't just watch the man willingly die in front of his very eyes.

Willingly.  He wanted to die.  "What in the hell, Naruto?"  He spoke the words to the weight in his arms as though it would suddenly gain breath and answer him.  He had no idea what was going on, he had no idea why he was acting this way, he had no idea why he would ever do something so god damned stupid.

He stopped running at the front of the entrance to the hospital.  He stared at it, tightening his grip on Naruto.  He wasn't ready.  He wasn't ready to let him go.  He wasn't ready to accept it. 

 _Not Naruto_.  He took a step back, not willing to fully admit to himself the truth of what had happened.  They had brought Gaara back from the dead, hadn't they?  He had heard that somewhere, so if they had done it for him, surely they could do something for _Naruto_.  All he had to do was go inside.  Sakura would be following shortly.  She had been there.  She could save him.  Maybe he had been wrong.  Maybe he wasn't dead, maybe he was going to be ok, maybe-

"Sasuke?" Sakura. 

He froze and looked to her, tried to pour all of his emotions into his eyes as he did.  He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find the words, not that it mattered.  His throat tightened, his breath hitched.  This wasn't happening. 

_Naruto couldn't be..._

"Sasuke, I need to look at him." Her voice sounded hollow.  He was her family too, all of them, together.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.

He quietly followed her into the building which was eerily silent, the workers quietly watched them walk by with Naruto, stopping their work.  The steps on the floor echoed through the building, making him flinch at the sound.  It felt so...

Final.

He forced himself to breath as they entered the emergency examination room and he set him carefully on the bed, doing his best not to look at what was the remainder of Naruto's torso and legs.  He watched Naruto's face silently as his wife hovered over his best friend.  He looked so...

He looked...

Sakura let out a soft whimper, looked over to him and shook her head.  "I can't, Sasuke I _can't_..."

She reached her hand up and softly closed his eyes which had stayed horrifyingly open.  He hadn't the guts to do it himself, unwilling to admit that it would be the final time they closed.  He looked down to his hands.  Blood.  _His_ blood.  Naruto's.

He needed it off.  He needed to wash them.  _Now_.  He trembled as he moved to the sink, shedding much of his clothing.  He desperately pushed the water over his skin, erasing the evidence of Naruto's death from his person.

The door slammed open.  "Lady Sakura, you must hurry!  Something has happened at the Nara compound.  They need your attention immediately."

She looked at the nurse as though she had grown a second head.  "You think I am just going to up and leave-"

"The woman is pregnant.  Shino Aburame asked specifically for you.  He's standing outside waiting, please hurry."  The nurse turned and ran towards the entrance of the hospital and I followed numbly.  Anything to keep my mind off what had happened.  Away from the sight of Naruto laying lifeless on the examination table.

I froze when I exited the building.  Shino was there looking quite impatient, however the presence of who was with him made Sasuke stop dead in his tracks.  That...

That was impossible.

"Neji?" He was dead.  Long dead.  He had died saving Naruto and Hinata during the war.

He stood hunched over, holding his stomach and leaning on Shino for support.  "Sasuke.  I think you might want to come along."

Sasuke nodded. The man sounded like Neji, looked like him but for his build.  What was going on?  The situation was something odd, and he had the sudden thought perhaps it had something to do with Naruto.  He steeled his jaw as he heard Sakura approach, then gasp at the sight of the person there. 

"How-"

"Naruto is alive, and if you want him to continue being alive I would suggest that you follow us back to the Nara complex." Shino's voice was sharp and dull.

Sasuke's stomach turned.  He was _dead_.  He had seen it with his own eyes, felt his body with his own hands, his blood was still soaked into his clothes...

"There isn't much time for explanations, just follow us back and you will find out the rest."

"Right."  Sakura tightened up her medical pack and looked to me.  "We have to see for ourselves, we owe it to him, don't we?"

He nodded then followed silently behind them as they headed towards the hidden caverns of the Nara complex.  If there was even a shred of hope to save Naruto, he would take it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, a big giant thank you to JJ for serving as my muse to this part of the story.  The original idea had Naruto in a henge the entire time and just exhausting his chakra to the point Kurama interfered, but the more I wrote the more I realized this simply was not a real possibility with how fast Naruto was going downhill, not to mention that henge or not Sakura would be able to still tell that he was pregnant.  I had been a little stuck at the spot and at the last minute decided on the clone since I had already come up with Gaaruto and Neji and the making of a third to get him out of trouble just seemed like the most sensible way to go about it.   Needless to say when I had read the review about Naruto possibly faking his own death via clone, this came to mind.  Yay! Problem solving via reviews hehehe.
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire!


	40. Bridge Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this ended up being longer than I originally thought...  I even was called into work yesterday which was why this didn't come out until now. 
> 
> So far, no correct guesses as to who the next chapter will be coming from.  *evil laughter*  I am so excited to get to it, but first I have to attend to the next chapter of Inheritants since I have a full work schedule this weekend and I have neglected the poor thing, and the chapter is due on Monday. (Eep)
> 
> As always, reviews inspire :D

 

** Temari **

She felt like she could relax a little once the strange teacher had left them.  It had been just her luck to run into one of Naruto's old friends while bringing him back into the area that was reserved for the elderly, sick and pregnant.  Naruto fell into two of those categories so she felt safe bringing him there. 

She stared at the door a while longer before making her way to her new... What in the world could she even call him?  He was going to get married to Gaara, if she had anything to do with it anyway.  She had purposely been putting off her supposed research, lying to the man about trying to find a back way to let him know that wouldn't result in such a fate.  The dull vibrations of the explosions outside made her grip her fan tighter.

It was as though the world was against them somehow.  Gaara had the short end of the stick since before he had even been born.  He had been a cute little shit in spite of the weirdness of it.  He had been so small, she was lucky enough to have seen him before he had been shoved off on her uncle.  A mess of fluffy red hair, no eyebrows and black eyes.  She hadn't seen their brilliant color yet, he had them so screwed shut.  He had been fussy, but then what wouldn't be when a demon just got shoved inside of them?

She hated that.  Hated that they had done that to her precious baby brother.  He was just a baby, he didn't deserve it, but that was not her decision.  It was never her decision.  She wasn't allowed a voice.  She wasn't allowed to go near him unless supervised by her father.  It disturbed her how easily he just sat there when people tried to kill him, sometimes in front of her.  It hadn't been until her uncle's death all visits ceased.  He had gone from sad and cute to angry and terrifying so quickly she couldn't even remember if it had been more than a week before she had crossed paths with him.

He had glared at her, his eyes red, his forehead puffy from some scar she later found out he had done himself.  He hadn't spoken a word to her, but his eyes conveyed the hatred there, the desperation.

She had failed him.

If it were not for the person she was currently guarding, he likely would have stayed in that hell, hating everything, killing everything he felt he wanted to kill.  She had no idea how to fix him, didn't think she could have no matter how hard she tried.  Naruto, on the other hand, was the reason that he changed.  It hadn't been until the time frame that Gaara had been killed that she could fully understand why.  Naruto was so different from him, so happy, so vibrant and full of life.  So damned annoying.

But that was alright, because after a while, no matter how annoying he was he tended to find a way into the hearts of the people who allowed him to get close enough.  It was only a matter of time.  She had never been close with him before, but her husband had been.  He had even changed him.  He had been so determined to make sure that Naruto would never feel alone again that he dropped his lazy and worked to the bone so that he could be in a position where he could become his advisor once he had become Hokage.

She smiled at that.  In a way, she also had to thank Naruto for that.  If Shikamaru hadn't increased his workload, they never would have been together.  Naruto had changed her life for the better, indirectly, by influencing not only her brother, but her husband as well.

Another vibration.  They were coming faster.  They must have been nearing the final stages of battle.  She itched to go out, protect her family, the village she now considered home, but she had something more important to protect.

Naruto, and just as importantly the unborn child he had somehow ended up carrying.  She tried not to dwell on the circumstances on how it had happened and instead focused on the fact that Naruto was almost entirely a she now and was carrying the only blood child of her baby brother.

The one nobody thought even had the ability to have children.  The same brother who secretly pined for them.  She had seen him at the shelters, around her own son, around Naruto's children.  He lit up around them and she had been so glad when he had adopted Shinki.

He wasn't all that great at being a father, but he tried.  He put everything he had into it.  Moved his meetings to fit the schedule of his new family, made sure he was around.  He just had no idea what to do with the little thing, probably because he never was allowed to be a child himself.  Not for long, and what he had experienced was seriously not what any child should have gone through in the first place.

This was a second chance for him.  All of this was.  She was determined that everything would go smooth.  That she would safely get Naruto to Suna, that he would have the baby and live through it and they both would have a chance at a happiness neither ever seemed to be able to hold onto.

Not to mention she might have been a little bit selfish in the notion that she was a bit too excited to finally have a niece.  She smirked at her fan.  Also, if everything went to plan and they settled into married life, she might get more.  She herself had been refused more children, the political ramifications of marrying into a prominent ninja family of a rival nation.  If she had been anyone else other than the sister of the Kazekage, daughter of the fourth Kazekage it wouldn't have been a problem.  Or if either Gaara or Kankuro had more children between them, but as it were they just had Shinki and he wasn't even technically a blood child.

Maybe she would be allowed another child if Gaara and Naruto made up for lost time and started popping the things out like rabbits.

She half snickered and then she froze.

"Temari!  Temari, I think something is wrong."

She looked over her shoulder at him and seen that his hands were on his abdomen, a look of panic on his face.  Her mouth went dry and rushed over to him, her post forgotten as worry flooded her senses.  Had she been too rough in transporting him?  Had she accidentally harmed the baby?  "What is it?  Tell me."

"I can feel..." He paused, his brows furrowed slightly, "I feel something... Do you think she is ok?"

Temari stared at him as she considered what he was saying and was relieved. _Thank goodness._  That was good, feeling something was good.  She smiled at him, "That isn't a bad thing at all."  She laughed away the worry.  A good sign.  They could use something good, and that was the best good thing that could have happened at the moment.

"What is it then, why are you laughing?" His voice was still tense and his eyes narrowed into a glare.  Poor thing, didn't know what he was dealing with.

"Calm down, you are fine."  She knelt down and gently placed her hand on his abdomen in an attempt to feel something herself.  The baby probably wasn't big enough yet for her to feel through the skin, but she could try.  "She is just moving, letting you know she is in there."

Naruto looked down to where their hands were on him and gave a short laugh, "Does that happen a lot?  Do they move a lot?"

She smiled at him, "Yeah, she will, so you should get used to that feeling."  She stood back up, amazed with how little he really knew about the entire process in spite of already having two kids.  "You really weren't around much for Hinata's pregnancies were you?"

A small wrinkle formed between his eyebrows and a frown set upon his lips.  "She was private about it, thought the entire process was embarrassing or something like that.  I never thought so, I wanted to know more.  It was kinda weird, you know, having a tiny person growing inside of her.  I seen her stomach grow, and I think she only had me feel Himawari kick just before she was born.  It was kinda weird feeling."  He paused, the frown ebbing from his lips, "Hey, do you think Gaara will want to know?  Be involved I mean."

She wanted to laugh at that question.  He obviously hadn't been around when he had come through when she was pregnant with Shikadai.  Temari had never seen the guy smile so much in her life, or be as curious as he had been.  He followed her around like a lost puppy until he was drug back to Suna by Kankuro.  She smiled, "Probably.  You know as much as I do he has a bit of a childish fascination with things, he will likely have that with this."  Likely more so than he had with his sister considering he helped _make_ it.

He hummed at me then frowned.  "She stopped."

She couldn't help but smile.  Sister.  That is what Naruto would be at the end of this.  She had always wanted one.  It would be interesting to say the least, but she would have a sister.  "Don't worry, alright?  She will do it again."

He rubbed his stomach over the bump that was starting to show.  "I hope so.  I really hope so."

She turned from him once she was sure that he was ok and resumed her post.  She would guard him with her life if need be. 

 _Thud, scrape, thud._ Rumble.

Temari's hand went white at the knuckles with how tightly she gripped her fan.  Her muscles tensed, preparing herself for infiltration.  She was glad there was only one entrance to the room she had placed Naruto, it would be easier to hold anyone back.

"Tem-" Naruto started, then fell into a fit of gasps. 

She turned towards him, eyes widened.  Something was wrong.  Naruto was clawing at his neck, fighting for air.  He started to twist in the bed and she rushed forwards but not in time to stop him from falling out of the bed.  He convulsed, his body spasmed and he moved his hands away from his body and started to claw at the floor.  "Naruto!"

A painful howl escaped his lips, one that reminded her of when they had forced Gaara into sleep.  It was horrifying.  His fingers moved back to his skin, raking his nails over it, drawing blood. " _Please, I , please, hurts, oh god, stop, don't take_ -" Every word was gravelly and nearly a whisper.  Desperate.

Temari fell next to him and held his shoulders down in an attempt to still him.  Her own breath catching in her throat, her heart speeding up.  Something was very wrong with Naruto, and she didn't know what.  She needed help, but there was nobody to call.  What would she do?

 _She didn't know_.  She felt helpless.

There was an odd sounding 'pompf' and he went still, his body trembling but unconscious.  He was alive though.  That was all that mattered.  Alive.

She froze at the sound of a pained deep groan.  "What just happened?" 

She looked over to see something that was...

Odd, to say it best.  There were two people in the room.  One she recognized as the man who had originally brought Naruto, Neji.  The other...

Well, she actually kind of recognized him too, but it definitely was not who he looked like.

And. He. Was. Naked.  Very Naked.

Temari felt her cheeks grow hot.  Gaara.  Not Gaara, but freaking _Gaara_.  What in the hell?

She tentatively moved her hands from Naruto and promptly returned them when he started to convulse again.  "Damn it."

Neji crawled over to her, obviously in pain, a sweat forming on his brow.  "Something happened.  I am not sure what happened, but-"

They were interrupted by the fake Gaara who knelt next to Naruto, leaned over him and then slowly licked his face.  "Hello my lovely Other."  He looked at him with a frown, "Looks like you need chakra."

"Get away from him!" Temari wanted to push him away, unsure of who or what he was.  He certainly was not her little brother.

He looked up to her and smiled a wide, toothy smile.  "Aren't you a pretty one.  Don't you worry, I can play with you too."

"Fuck off, you aren't touching me."  She growled at him, her eyes narrow.  There was something about him that made her skin crawl.

Neji groaned at the exchange.  "How did you get out?"

The fake Gaara looked over to Neji and laughed darkly.  "You were weak, so I escaped.  So I am going to give this lovely enough chakra so he will live and I can go play."

Neji froze next to Temari.  "You will do no such thing, it's disgraceful.  Disgusting!  He'll kill you when he wakes up, do you know how much damage control he had to do last time you escaped?"

Temari looked at them both completely confused.  Was this another one of Naruto's clones?  Why in the hell would he make such an odd clone?

The other stood in his full muscular glory and crossed his arms.  Pale.  Very muscular, unlike her little brother, but he had his face from when he was in his late teens to early twenties, he even had his kanji carved into his forehead.  Had Naruto made that thing?  It laughed deeply, made a bright ball of energy and dropped it.  It landed squarely on Naruto's chest, making him convulse a moment, whimper, then seemed to settle into a regular rhythmic breathing.

"See?  I don't want to die either.  Now then, since blondie over there doesn't seem interested..." He trailed off and headed towards the door.

"Damn Gaaruto - GET BACK HERE!"  Neji screamed it at the man, who simply ignored him, and brushed past the door.  He however, made no real move to stop the other beyond yelling at him.

"What in the hell was that?"

There was a deep sigh from Neji.  "That, Temari, was the thing that calls itself Gaaruto.  He is going to leave a giant mess, I know it.  It's been _depraved_."  He scooted closer.

Temari stared at him.  "Gaaruto?"

Neji looked better, possibly also affected by the chakra transfer.  "He is the original, the _imperfect_.  The body of Naruto, the face and coloring of some guy named Gaara." He gave another groan then smirked at her, "Perhaps you have heard of him?"

Temari half choked.  "Why would he want to do that?"

Neji shrugged.  "Naruto?  I do not have much of his memories, so I can only speculate to his reasons.  I only know what he told me, and the few glimpses into his thoughts and memories I do have."

"But... Gaara?"

Neji laughed, reached his destination and settled himself next to Temari. "You have no idea, do you?"

Temari frowned at him.  "Know what?"

"From what the creature told me, Naruto couldn't stop making him in his harem, he kept showing up so he took precautions to remove him.  Unfortunately he is uncontrollable and only thinks of one thing, and until that need is satisfied he is as good as useless."  Neji kept his eyes on Naruto, a knowing smile on his lips.

"That still doesn't explain why-"

"Do you honestly think his desire for Gaara is a more recent occurrence?" He sighed, "He tried to bury it, but it's been there a while. I have a memory from when he died and what he had felt..."

Temari stared at him a moment as the idea that Naruto had been as obsessed with her baby brother as he had been about him processed.  She changed the subject, somewhat uncomfortable with the idea of how long it had gone on.  "Why didn't you stop him?"

"Gaaruto?"

She nodded.

"I _yelled_." He smiled then, "Honestly, I have been cooped up with that lecherous bastard for years, I needed a break."  He gave a small laugh, "Unless of course, _you_ wanted to know what it was like to be with someone who has Naruto's body and your little brother's face."

She felt the heat return to her face.  "That was what Naruto's..."

He hummed.  "He always makes his clones in his image in part.  Faces are different, the body is the same.  That applies to me as well."

Footsteps sounded behind them.  Temari remained where she was, her hand still holding Naruto down where he was.  If she had to fight, it would be close combat.  She had to keep him still.  Still until she could figure out a way to help him.

"Neji?" Temari vaguely placed the voice as the one belonging to the man from earlier.

He narrowed his eyes at the man behind her. "You seem vaguely familiar.  Shino?"

"Yes, you are correct."  More footsteps then he came into her sight and knelt down next to them.  "I heard screaming, then a naked man ran past me who oddly looked like both Naruto and the fifth Kazekage who my bugs identified as one of his clones.  Might I ask what is going on?"  He seemed completely unfazed by this fact.

Neji frowned, "He just ran by you?  He didn't _do_ anything?"

Shino shrugged, "He stopped a second and made a sound of disgust.  Hardly appropriate for someone who is running about _nude_."  He turned his attention to Temari.  "What exactly happened?"

"He-" She lurched forwards, her hands moving from Naruto to her head as a deep throb shot from her arm into her temples.  She fought to catch her breath.

A warning.  She couldn't talk about his health to anyone.  She had no way to ask for help, no way to tell anyone about what Naruto had done, how Naruto was pregnant, how he had fallen from the bed screaming.  She looked panicked over to Neji.

They shared eye contact a moment, the panic of not being able to share what happened readable in her eyes.  The pain from the seal pulsed through her arm, reminding her of the fact she couldn't actually tell anyone about Naruto.  When they returned, she would need to find Hakuto.  It might endanger her if she were to come out in the open, but Naruto's life depended on the information she had about him.  The knowledge if he were able to get to Gaara, it might stabilize his condition. 

"Shino," Neji drew his attention back to him, "I don't know what happened, but I know if we can't get medical attention to him soon, he may die.  I can feel it, please, you must take me to Sakura.  She knows more than most."

The man nodded to him and helped him to his feet.  Neji gave a sad glance back to Temari and they left swiftly from the room. 

Temari rubbed her throbbing arm.  _The seal_.  Neji seemed to be in bad shape as well.  What in the world just happened?  Had he used all of the demon's chakra inside him?  Had it died?  She knew the demon fox was weak, but if he had died, in Naruto's weakened condition he wouldn't still be alive, would he?  She bit her lip and hovered her hands over his abdomen.  _Remember, come on_.  She had to know.  She had to know if the baby were still ok, had to know if the demon's chakra was still there.  She also thought that by using her chakra on him it might help him in the long run.

She gently pushed her energy forwards into him, feeling carefully to what lay beneath his skin.  She gave a small whimper at the maneuver.  She had trained for light medical when she was still active in Suna, but it had been years ago and she never in actuality used it.  She could feel it.  The baby was alive, and the chakra...

Was odd.  Different, like it weren't flowing the way it was supposed to.  She pulled back and gasped for air.  He was alive at least.  Maybe Sakura would be able to figure out what was actually wrong with him.  What could have happened so suddenly he would have taken such a drastic change for the worse?  Not that he was in great health to begin with.  The thought bore into her mind with sickening aggression.  She should have forced him to go to Suna the moment she knew.  To _hell_ with laws, consequences and repercussions.  Naruto brought a hope to her that she had long ago left behind, the hope that Gaara could love.

 _Truly_ love.  Not the love he felt for his siblings or his village.  Not even the love he felt for Shinki, though she knew better than most he would give almost anything for the kid.  There was only one person she knew of who could truly get under her little brother's skin.  Make him _feel_ more than anyone else had ever thought imaginable.  Unheard of emotions from the boy everyone in her village had once deemed to be a monster. _Emotionless, infallible, callous and demented_.  The perfect weapon, a sociopath created by their own Kazekage in blood and death.  He had never had a chance to love and when he thought he could, the love was ripped from him like a melted on bandage.  It was the one thing her father had done she could never forgive.  He had effectively killed her uncle and forced Gaara into such a crazed state no amount of coaxing would ever bring him out of it.

Until _him_.  She brought her fingers up to brush across his forehead.  Naruto Uzumaki.  The one who was like him, but not like him.  He who viewed the world with such bright eyes and hope that he brought change in those who refused to see it for anything but the darkness it held.  He was the one person her brother probably would have proposed to ages ago if such a thing were commonplace.  She snorted at the memory of when she had attempted to explain marriage to him when he was still a teenager.

He had been standing on the balcony of the family home one evening, as usual watching the sun set over the village.  He had made it a ritual ever since she had coaxed him into living with them when they had returned after the horrible mistake of invading Konoha.  Though, secretly, she refused to fully regret it.  Without the incident her brother would still be a mindless sociopath and likely would never have met Naruto.  She noticed him rushing to the balcony, his eyes wide with wonder.  The childlike expression was an odd look on him.  She was so used to the crazed way he looked before he had started to calm.  He had been even better since Naruto had taken a small sabbatical with his current teammates a few weeks earlier when they had come to help with the kidnapping.  She had never been prouder than the moment when her brother had suppressed Shukaku and fought his own battle, in spite of the severity.  Of when she had overheard him talking with that blonde annoyance so casually when they returned to Suna.

Yet, there he was, amazing her once again with his progress while he stood at the edge of the balcony. He looked as though he would fall over any second because he was leaning so far over the railing.  She walked up behind him silently, paying more attention to his childlike wonder than whatever had taken his interest.

That look.  He needed to have the expression more often, where the weight of his past fell from his shoulders, the burden he carried gone from his mind.  Even if it were in just that moment, she wanted it to last forever, this brief moment of happiness for him.

He swung his head over to her, a smile on his face like she'd never seen before.  "Temari, what are they doing?"

She finally decided to see what he was looking at.  She came up next to him and looked to the scene playing out on the streets below.  The celebration was subtle, but a celebration nonetheless.  People lined the street silently, a couple walking side by side down the center of the street, every once in while being greeted by the people on the sidelines.  Not too far down the street where they were decorations adorned the door, an apartment building.  Temari smiled.  So this was what had him so excited.  "They are getting married, Gaara."

She almost regretted speaking when his face melted back to his usual blank.  He turned back to the people in the street, crossing his arms and leaning against the rail, concentrating on the people.  After a moment they stopped a full block from the door.  "Why are they doing this?  It seems so unnecessary."

"Unnecessary?" Temari frowned at him, wondering what he meant by it.

"I have read that it is done in a simple ceremony ended with a signing of a paper with witnesses, what is the point of this?"

She leaned on the rail next to him and pointed at the door.  "Watch."

  A man neared them then in full traditional Suna garb, foot length near white robes and hooded scarf.  He took out a small cord and the couple turned to him and he clasped their hands together then tied the cord around them.  "Temari?"

" _Watch_."

The couple stayed there a moment, then faced back the way they had.  This time the cord was wrapped around their wrists as continued to walk down the center of the street, the crowd still eerily silent.  Gaara scrunched up his face in confusion.  "I don-"

" _Shh_."  She waited as they slowly walked to the apartment building, the silent onlookers waving to them. However with their hands tied they ignored the onlookers, quietly making their way to their destination.  Together the couple opened the door with their entwined hands, rather clumsily, then turned to the crowd and raised their hands up into the air. 

The crowd erupted into a deafening cheer as the couple retreated into the apartment and Gaara jumped slightly from the sudden noise.  "Why did they cheer?  Temari, explain."  His eyes were back on her, no longer interested in what was going on below.  Especially after the ceremony had completed.

She smiled at him and sat down.  He followed her example and smoothly fell into a cross legged position.  He crossed his arms and leaned onto his legs, eyes boring into her in a silent demand to end his confusion.  She had learned the one thing Gaara didn't like now he was attempting to be part of humanity again was not being able to understand it.  "Before the daimyo agreed that Suna would be used for the land's ninja, it was already a thriving city with many traditions.  It was losing it's prosperity so it became as it is now - half ninja village, half civilian city." She sighed at the blank look he was giving her, "Anyway, what you just seen is an old Suna marriage ceremony."

He tilted his head at her, "Explain."

She sighed, "Alright, since you are so curious I will."  She leaned back, trying to get more comfortable in the steadily cooling air.  "First, the couple to be wed announces their union in one of the magistrate buildings.  When it's acknowledged the nearby civilians line the streets in support of the union.  The couple start the walk with congratulations offered by close family and friends.  Midway, they are bound in ritual, like you seen.  They then go to their new residence where the marriage is official once they cross the threshold and once inside they consummate their union and are truly wed."

"Consummate?"

Her eyes widened, instantly regretting her choice of words.  "Gaara, I refuse to answer that one."

He blinked at her and shrugged.  "Why do people get married?"

She gave a small laugh.  "Because they want to spend their lives together."

"Who wants to do that?"

"They do."

A moment of silence.  Then, "But who gets married?"

Temari groaned.  "People fall in love with their precious people, then they freaking get married."

Gaara stared at her a moment.  "So... If I were to marry, who would it be to?  My precious people are you and Kankuro, would it be to one of you?"

Her jaw dropped.  _Eww_.  "Gaara, you don't marry your _siblings_.  You marry your most precious person beyond that."

He looked at her thoughtfully.  "Then I could marry Naruto?"

 _Naruto_?  Well, that was unexpected.  She shook her head no.  "You would marry a woman who could bear your children and preferably from our own village.  You really shouldn't even be thinking of this stuff yet."

"No, I shouldn't.  I dislike the women of this village anyway, and I do not desire children."  He paused, "I can _have_ children, they come from married people?"

" _Gaara_."

He stood then.  "Fine.  I tire of this conversation anyway."  With no other words, he jumped from the balcony.

She rushed to the side, her breath caught in her throat, just to see him fall into the sand below.  She watched as the remaining onlookers screamed and scattered at his sudden presence in the street.

She was never going to get used to him jumping, it gave her a heart attack every time.

She should never have been surprised, even though they had never spoken on the subject again until the Hakuto incident.  It figured it would have been Naruto who had awoken that desire in him.

It was surprising to her Naruto had not only returned his desire but had went so far as to put his life on the line for the chance at keeping his relationship with him.  It was everything she could ever want or hope for when it came to Gaara.  With Naruto, he could have a wife who was precious to him, children who would be truly his and a chance at a happiness which only came from being with the person who most understood you.

She had been lucky with Shikamaru, he had given her a happiness she had never could fathom.  The sacrifices she had made were more than worth being able to be married to him.  To spend her life with him.  To have his children.  She wanted that for Gaara.  She wanted it more than anything.

Yet...

"Please don't die." She whispered it to the precious person who lay unconscious next to her.

She _knew_.

She knew Gaara's happiness lie in the person who was dying in front of her eyes, and there was nothing she personally could do to remedy it.


	41. Bridge Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations to JJ and amhranstoirme for guessing who this chapter would be coming from.  So prize for you, no idea what, but prize!  For extra oddity (Because this has been far too dark the past few chapters) I will be doing this from first person point of view!  It is also a ton longer than I thought it was going to be.  Sorry it took a little while longer, I got called into work at my designated writing time lol.
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire.
> 
> Now on to something completely different!

 

 

** Gaaruto **

Pain.  It's something I was used to by now.  My arms were trapped inside the wall behind me.  The same annoying wall also had a tendril which stretched out around my mouth forming a full seal only allowing me to breathe through my nose.  I stared at my evil yet beautiful jailer.  He was beautiful in a simple word, long dark hair, pale skin which could easily outdo my own and pale, pale eyes.  Sort of a male version of the weirdo who Other married.  I grunted at the memory.  I had been so damned close...

That jerk was unfair.  All I wanted to do was finish what I had started with her.  He would have been an easy substitute at the time, he didn't have to keep me plastered to the damned wall.

 _Jerk_.  He would have liked it.

I was going to make them pay for what they did to me.  _Both_ of them.  It was why I was going to sleep with the weird girl, not that I had any real desire for her.  But dang it would have pissed off Other if I slept with his wife.  I smiled against my barrier.  He would have been livid.  I yearned for that look, one of anger, of hurt.  I wanted him to feel what I felt, know what he _did_ to me, the bastard.  Sure, just a little memory wipe, go back to the old days.

Liar.

I struggled against my constraints.  I wanted out.  Not just to get my revenge, but to have some freaking ramen.  Sweet miso ambrosia.  Take a shower. 

See somebody.  Have sex with someone.  My life would be awesome.  My jailer looked up from his book, which I have no idea how in the heck he was able to get in the first place.  We were in a room in Other's head.

Seriously, how did he get it?  I've never been able to bring anything physical here.

"Shut up, you think too loud." His voice was dark and irritated.

I made a muffled sound in hopes he would allow me to speak.  I had been confiscated to this corner for a while now.  I think I lost track of time after the first two weeks or so and was immensely glad I didn't need to eat or drink anything to survive.  Otherwise the bastard would have a skeleton dangling on his wall by now.

I think it's how he would prefer me to be.

I was going to make him love me someday, just wait.

He would beg for me.

I narrowed my eyes at him.  Yes, it would be wonderful, proving to him everything he'd been missing out on.

He looked back down and flipped a page.  What was he reading anyway?  Maybe it was the Master's old series.  I doubted it though, this guy was too freaking 'pure' for that.  I doubt it was anything interesting.

I struggled more against my confines.  Just a small touch.  It wouldn't hurt, to touch.  The feel of his silken skin beneath my own, his dark hair splayed out as he...

That was a bad train of thought.  I closed my eyes and concentrated.  Maybe I could escape soon.  He had been getting distracted lately, going out to see Other more and more.  Probably conspiring to kill me.  Breathe.  I wouldn't let them.  I was stronger than my jailer, I was simply stuck inside of his room where he had control of his environment.  With my hands completely bound and immobile, I couldn't make clones or fight. 

He knew me too well.  Escape a couple times and never live it down.  Just because I was super close to sleeping with the weird girl...

It would have been perfect.  Revenge as well as filling my need all at once.  She had been soft, gentle.  I could deal with it, I had enough random partners who she was wouldn't exactly hinder my more primal desires.  Pleasure was not exactly discriminatory.  That need was Other's fault anyway.  He should be responsible for me. 

"Let me go you bastard."  My words were unintelligible, barely sounded through the barrier.  I smiled against it.  I could say anything, he wouldn't even be able to yell at me for it.  "You wait, pretty perfect, until I am free.  I will make you scream my name and beg me for-"

" _Shut_.  _Up_."  His lips were thin and his eyes narrow on that pretty face of his.

I couldn't stop the chuckle which escaped my lips, still obvious in sound from my gag.

He groaned, stood and neared me, contempt in his eyes.

The pain would be worth it, just to bother him enough for him to move.  Pay attention to me.  Talk to me.  I was seriously bored.

Sure enough, like I had expected, his foot landed in my gut forcing a deep groan to escape my throat.  Bastard.  He would regret it.  I will make him want me, show him what I was made to be, then ignore him like he didn't exist.  Wouldn't it be cruel?  Such a perfect revenge...

"I can't stand you.  If you would have just stayed put, I wouldn't have to see you let alone stand your presence every day.  Freak, I can't stand you."

I kind of hated him, Mr perfect.  He was everything I wasn't, an individual, even had his own damned voice.  I hated it.  Not me, no, I was the first, the imperfect, the forgotten.  But I looked like _him_.  Not like it was my fault, but how I looked was my greatest offense to Other.  He couldn't look at me, I disturbed him.  Of course I did.  Because then he would remember.

And not remembering is exactly why I was where I was.  How was I supposed to know his mind would fight the memories after the wipe?  If I had known, I wouldn't have done it.  Bastard.

He was going to pay for it.

When my stomach settled from the pain and my jailer returned to reading I struggled against my confines once more.  This was a never ending cycle.  Try to break free, piss off Jailer, get kicked by Jailer then repeat.  I watched him read.  Well.  I could have tried being nice to him, but his very existence annoyed me.  I was supposed to be the only one he needed.  I was supposed to be his confidante, his sparring partner, his best friend, his...

I hated being pinned up like this.  All I did was think.  My thoughts always circled around and started over again.  I didn't have anything else to do.  Couldn't make clones to pass the time.  The only other beings in here were Jailer and Kurama.  Both of whom I was angry with anyway.  Bastards.

I struggled against my confines.  Everything was against me.  All I wanted to do was have a little fun.  Was it really all that bad?

My thoughts ended with a high pitched scream.  I watched as Jailer bent forwards and grabbed at himself, his shoulders, his stomach his chest, pulling, scraping and digging into his skin.  It left angry red marks in his nails wake.

I felt my barrier weaken.  I struggled against the confines with more vigor.  I could use this.  I wasn't sure what was going on with Jailer, but if it were anything too bad I would probably feel it too.

Pull, tug, strain.

Another scream, the barrier loosened more, the piece around my mouth falling away which gave me more tugging room.  I laughed.  Freedom.  It was close now.  Jailer crumpled to the floor with a small panting whimper and I was finally free.  I felt it then, a call.  _Help.  Help me._

I frowned.  Other.  Something was wrong with Other.  I sighed as I stood up, finally released from my confines and rubbed my arms where they had been held for the last few years.  I looked at the pile of pale skin and dark hair.  Well, I suppose I could try to help.  The idiot was in no condition to leave by himself.  Though...

I walked to him, a smile on my face.  I knelt down next to him and brushed his lovely dark hair away from his face.  "Now now, pretty jailer, no need to worry."  Before he could object I bent his head up to me.   I pressed my lips to his for a chaste kiss then moved us out of our host before he could push me away. 

I dropped him there and heard him give a deep groan.  Stone.  There was stone beneath my feet.  Ah well, he would live, he deserved to be jostled a little anyway.  Makes up for some of the times he had kicked me since I was placed under his pale watchful eyes.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose.  Fresh air.  Freedom.  I moved my eyes to scan the room.  I could barely feel Other and I caught sight of a pretty blonde woman hovering over another blonde woman.  A pregnant blonde woman.  I frowned.  Where was other.  I felt out for Other's chakra and it seemed to be coming from the pair of women there. 

What was going on?  I stared at the gawking woman.  She seemed slightly familiar, but I couldn't quite place her.  Not that it mattered anyway.  Unless she wanted to sleep with me, I had no real use for her.  She moved her hands and the woman beneath them arched her back, her arms convulsed at the movement.  A small squeak came from the other who then replaced her hands on her.  "Damn it."

I ignored the sound of Jailer moving behind me as I focused on the chakra.  He had to be here somewhere damn it.  I wasn't going to leave until I at least knew the idiot would live while I went to play.  Besides, if he died, I would probably die too and I really didn't feel like dying before I experienced more in my life.

It was still coming from the pair of women.  What was I missing?  Jailer started speaking and I walked over to them.  There was something I was missing and I needed to know what it was.  My breath caught in my throat as I approached.

Well that was... Unexpected.  The pregnant woman.   It was Other.  I wasn't sure I wanted to know how it happened, but I wondered if it had something to do with what was going on with Jailer as well.  I knelt down next to him.  Her.  I knelt down next to Other.  I lowered myself.  It would be easy.  Revenge, for what he had done to me.  The woman would be easy to avoid.  But it would be wrong.  There was something wrong, very wrong with Other.  I needed to know what it was.

There was only one way I knew how to find out.  Memories.  Imperfect.  I was imperfect, not complete.  I avoided touching Other for a reason.  One small...

I reached out my tongue and dragged it across his face starting at his chin and ending just under his eye.  Tasty.  "Hello my lovely Other."  Flashes of memory invaded my mind and I sifted through it to make sense of them enough to know what happened.

Gaara.  Rape.  Pregnant.  Danger.  No chakra.  Needed to go to Suna.  I opened my eyes as I worked to control the flood of images.  Stop.  _No more._  I got what I needed.  I frowned at him.  He was a damn woman now.  So weird.  At least we were finally different.  "Looks like you need chakra."

"Get away from him!"  I felt warm delicious hands touch my shoulder.  _Temari_.  Sister to Gaara.  Kind of pretty.

I gave her my brightest smile.  I may have had her brother's pretty looks, but considering she might go for a quick round.  Incest and all without the incest.  "Aren't you a pretty one.  Don't you worry, I can play with you too."

"Fuck off, you aren't touching me." Her voice was deep, a bit of a growl.

Ah well, too bad, it was such a lovely idea.

My jailer groaned, "How did you get out?"

Maybe I should have left him in his room to rot.  But then, I would have to deal with this mess directly.  I wanted to play first.  My lips twisted into a lopsided grin as I laughed at his question.  Like he had the right to ask?  "You were weak, so I escaped.  So I am going to give this lovely enough chakra so he will live and I can go play."  I held his eyes a moment with mine, willing all the things I wanted to do to show in them.

He paled more, which was an odd thing.  Hadn't really thought he could do that with how pale he was already.  I would have to remember that.  Maybe I would trap him in my room next and make him-

"You will do no such thing, it's disgraceful.  Disgusting!  He'll kill you when he wakes up, do you know how much damage control he had to do last time you escaped?"

I frowned at him and crossed my arms.  Since when were they so close they would discuss the things I did?  Bastard.  I unfolded my arms and began to gather up some of my extra chakra.  The one thing I had up on the guy.  Chakra.  I had plenty of my own without having to tap into Other's.  I gave a deep laugh at the thought.  I at least had one thing.  One thing that was all my own.  I let the ball of chakra drop onto Other.  I didn't need to check with compatibility, the chakra was technically identical.  I was once him.  Sort of.

The body below me convulsed, whimpered then went still.  There was a sick moment of dread before I seen Other's chest begin a steady rise and fall.  Safe.  I needed to go clear my mind.  "See?  I don't want to die either.  Now then, since blondie over there doesn't seem interested..."  I ended my sentence there.  It was a shame too.  I think she would have felt quite nice.  Warm, soft.  Her voice was a little raspy, like her brother's just much more feminine.  I could only imagine how it would sound in the throes of passion.  I headed towards the door without waiting for them to respond or object.

"Damn Gaaruto - GET BACK HERE!" Neji screamed the words at me, but I knew as much as he did his words would never stop me.  I was free.  I was going to go play.

Soon I was out of the door and headed down a hall.  Slow.  This was taking to long.  I started to run and nearly bumped into somebody.  I stopped and narrowed my eyes at him.  Also vaguely familiar.  Nice, warm body, maybe...  I felt out with my chakra as he silently stared at me.  My stomach twisted as it felt thousands of life forms nestled into the man's body.  Nope.  Definitely not.  It must have been Shino, the freak.  I was not about to seduce someone who was a glorified bug's nest.  I grunted at the thought in disgust and continued on my way.  It took me a while to find my way out, especially after being chased by some random teacher once for tainting small children with my inappropriate attire.  What attire?  I wasn't wearing anything.  No big deal, I didn't like clothes anyway.

I worked my way to the village, going from a fuzzy memory of the place.  Everything looked different.  There must have been a battle recently, giant holes littered the ground, some of them still had smoke rising through.  Bodies still lay where they had fallen.

My insides twisted in needful heat.  I needed to go play.  It had been years.  The desire had been building and-

What happened to Konoha?  This seriously couldn't be the same place.  Giant buildings littered the sky, large televisions littered some of them.  How long had I been locked up exactly?  I stood staring at everything a moment.  It looked like the battle hadn't reached the village... City... Whatever the hell place this was.  I frowned as someone nearby shrieked at me.  "Pervert!"

Maybe I should try to fit in a little more.  I headed the direction I needed to in order to find my old apartment.  Maybe it was still there.  Maybe he was still weird and left some clothes there.  I had gotten lost a couple times, but finally found the place.  The area was nearly deserted and most of the buildings looked abandoned.  But people were inside some of them.  Maybe vagrants, poor people.  Maybe I could fill my need in one of them.  My lips twisted upwards at the thought.  Yes, so I could think, I would fill this need soon. 

He had left the spare key where it always had been, in front of the building, under a mat and four rocks to the left.  At least this part of the mission I gave myself was easy.  I entered the apartment and half choked, the dust had gotten so thick it hung in the air.  I went to the dresser and found an old white shirt and a pair of boxers.  They were a little tight, but at least they fit. 

Step one complete.  I retreated from the dusty disaster of an apartment and reached out my chakra.  Person.  Hot, warm body.  Preferably alone.

I found one quickly, one building over.  I chuckled and headed over there.  I jumped up to the balcony of said person and snuck in through the window.  If this person was a shinobi, they weren't a very good one.  I could feel their heat, it emanated from them.  _Bedroom_.

How very convenient for me.  I slipped into the room and found a woman, early twenties maybe, huddled against the headboard of her bed.  She looked completely terrified and we locked eyes.  I smiled at her as she pressed herself further into the wood.  I decided to keep my clothes on while I approached her.  She was a little plain, brown hair, freckles, a bit thin for my tastes. 

She would do.  She would be warm.  She would satisfy me.  It was all that mattered.  This is what I was made for.  Seduction was my specialty.  Quick seduction.  Over the years I honed the ability, learned how to please.  Pain was not the sort of moans which pleased me, and I did like my partners to be noisy.

I did like to share after all.  Pleasure could easily go two ways.  I hooded my eyes at her, eased my smile.  I breathed out my pheromones.  Irresistible.  The only one to resist was my jailer.  Then again, we were both made from the same person so it's probably why I couldn't get through.

The girl settled slightly, my pheromones began to reach her.  "Who are you?"  Her cheeks began to flush slightly, "What do you want from me?"

I neared her, bent to her.  She shied away, but only slightly.  Soon.  Soon I would be able to start.  I lowered my voice, "To please you.  Only ever to please you..."  I leaned in closer, my hand reached out to her, taking her chin.  Before she could respond I pressed my lips to hers, pried them apart with my tongue and breathed my pheromones directly into her mouth.

She whimpered and I felt her body heat up.  I pulled away and she gave a gasp.  "Why..."

I chose this time to remove my clothes, satisfied it would only be moments before she lost control of her inhibitions.  I was a beautiful man, one of the most beautiful in the world.  I used it to my advantage as her breath quickened, the red in her face, her neck deepening.

Yes, she would be perfect.  I crept up the bed, my hand slowly caressed up her body, removing the shards of fabric which separated her warmth from mine.  Need.  Heat.  _Need_.

Need.

My mouth devoured her skin, savoring the flavor of it, spurred on by the soft moans which escaped the girl's lips.  Skin to skin.  Mouth to mouth.  Our bodies moved like waves until I was surrounded by her.  Moist comforting heat made the need in me rise.  Pleasure.  Heat.  Moans.

 _Need_.

I moved slow, painful.  My world was only filled with need and sensation, the sound of beating hearts, of breath and moans.  I kept going until she arched, her nails scraping into my skin.  While her voice waned I allowed myself to join her in the clouds.

I fell slowly.

Need.

I wasn't done.  I grabbed her legs, she herself still falling from the intense wave and filled her with myself.  This time it rougher, more animalistic, filled with need, with want.  I crushed her lips with mine, her voice loud in my mouth, her pleasure building as quickly as mine.

She tore my skin with a shout and I grunted my need into her body.

My entire body was light, my mind was fuzzy.

Perfect.  I knew she would be perfect.

It only took a moment for my mind to clear.  I stood from the bed, leaving the spent girl alone.  I pulled my clothes back on and slipped out of the room.  My legs still felt like jelly, but my head was already more clear than it had been in ages.

What to do about Other.  He was in seriously bad shape.  I could feel it.  His chakra system had been screwed with on top of his very odd pregnancy.  A wish?  Of all the things to wish for, that really had to be the oddest thing I could ever think of.  I sighed.  Not my life, it was his.  I shouldn't complain.

However, it looked like he did more harm to himself than anything I could have ever done.  I stood for a small while on the girl's balcony and a shudder ran through my body.  I calmed my breath, still flushed from what I had done.  I wanted to play more.  Find someone else.  It was what I usually did.  Steal some stuff, or more like seduced people out of their belongings.  I was pretty sure Other had returned my previous stash from my last escape.

Unfortunately, I had to do something else.  Bastard, how selfish to off and try and die on me.  What would I do if we all died?  Nobody would remember me.  I would be nothing more than a spectre, a figment of everyone's imagination.  As though I never existed.  What sort of ending would that be?  I sighed.

Other was forcing my hand.  I had to save him.  Save us.  He had his chance to do it, and he obviously squandered it.

My turn.

I would do what needed to be done, to hell what Other wanted or not.  I honestly didn't give a shit what he thought about the things I did.

I smiled as I regained my balance and leapt off the balcony to the ground below.  I would do it, yes, but to hell if I was going to be fucking nice about it.  They deserved this.  Live, but to hell with the both of you.

I closed my eyes and brought up the memory of the chakra signature of the weird girl.  Direction, I just needed a direction.  I remembered what the house looked like, but I really couldn't navigate this freaking 'village' anymore.  There, I could feel it, just slightly.  East.

I chuckled and headed off towards my new destination.  To the weird girl Other was married to.

If anyone would go along with anything to save Other, it would be his own wife. 

*                 *                 *

I found the house easily, still impressed at what Other had been able to accomplish.  The place was nice, had a great view.  Full of family pictures.  Bastard had everything he ever wanted, minus one little thing of course.  Not like he would ever admit it.  Or rather, didn't want to, considering he was now pregnant with the guy's kid.  Girl was it?  I shrugged to myself.  Who cared?  Not my problem.  I just needed to make sure the idiot would live so I would have the chance to do more... Fun things.

I snuck in the back, to the bedroom.  I would wait there.  It would be fun, to surprise her there.  She was likely dangerous, but I didn't care.  She wouldn't kill me, I was part of Other.  I warned her last time.  That if I died, he might die too.

It was possible.  I wasn't exactly like the others.  I was real.  Permanent.  Maybe not as perfect as Jailer, but he had put his life force into me and there was no telling what would happen if I were to die.  It was her hesitation which had allowed me to get close to her then, if he didn't come when he did, I would have had her.

Damn him.

I would try again now if it weren't for the fact I was trying to keep the idiot alive.  Maybe another time.

I was brought out of my thoughts by a deep gasp.

I looked up and seen the woman I was seeking.  Other's wife.  Tears flowed from her eyes, a look of shock on her face.  It contorted to confusion, then anger.  "Gaaruto?"  The question was accusatory, angry.

I frowned, then gave a half wave.  "Hey."

"I don't believe you.  Who are you.  What in the hell do you want from me, what sort of trickery is this?"  She muttered and veins stretched out from her eyes, her hands went up in gentle fist style.

I held up my hands.  "I am not here to mess with you this time, if that's what you're worried about."  Other's wife was radiating an aura of murder.  I really didn't want to test the woman's power.

"Explain.  Before I end you."  Her brows ebbed inwards, her anger growing.

"Other is... Naruto is in bad shape.  I need your help."  The words were bitter in my mouth.  I hated saying them.

Her eyes widened and her pose faltered.  "What?"  She stepped closer, her eyes filled up with tears, "What did you say?"

I groaned.  "Naruto, not well, need help."  _Simplify_.  How hard was it to understand?

Her hands fell, her eyes went back to normal.  Creepy.  How was that attractive exactly?  Other had an odd choice in women he liked.  Didn't matter, I would still feel her someday.  "How?  How could I possibly help him?"

My frown deepened.  "I have an idea-"

"He is _dead_ , Gaaruto.  Naruto is-"  She buried her face into her hands, "They had me go in, they had me-"

Confused was the best word I could use for what was going on.  "Other isn't dead.  Not _yet_.  Won't be if I have anything to do about it.  Stop being weird."

She froze.  "Not...  How is that possible?  I seen him with my own eyes, he... He was..."

 _He_.  I just realized something odd about our conversation.  Did she know about...  Other's odd condition?  My eyes widened.  Jailer had fallen as well.  My mouth went dry.  They _didn't_.  They weren't _that_ stupid, were they?  "What did he look like?"  Next thing I knew my cheek erupted in a sharp pain, followed by a strong stinging sensation.  She just slapped me.  Bitch. 

"Like he had a giant hole in his chest."

He, his.  Body.  They had done it, the unthinkable.  "Those dumb asses."  I found the memory in my mind.  Clone.  A _perfect_ clone.  I moved to the bed and sunk down into it.  More dire than I thought.  My lip twitched.  I would have to be more straightforward with my plans.  Act quickly.  Still though, I was going to do this my way.  I knew exactly how I was going to do it, another memory tickling at my mind.  "Like I said, he isn't dead.  Give me your arm."

"My... Arm?"  She took one more step closer, understandably leary of me.

"Arm." I held up my hand and wiggled my fingers at her.  "Besides, how the heck would I even be here if he were dead in the first place?"

"I, I don't know."  Her cheeks flushed.  Weird as ever, the slight stutter, the flush in her cheeks reminded me of the memories I personally held of her.  From before the split.  From before me.  She held out her arm.  She looked shocked.  Grief struck.  Perfect for what I was about to do, with no questions asked.

I rushed through the hand signs, using them from memory.  I sort of hoped they were right.  Not that it would matter much if I was wrong, I'd just hunt down the next person who would likely do just about anything for Other.  Wouldn't be hard to find somebody.  I grabbed her arm, concentrated on what I needed, and with a deep heated glow it began.  I clutched her arm tightly as the new seal did it's work.  It didn't take too long, soon the glow faded and the skin beneath my hand sizzled with the application.  It was done.  I gasped for breath.  This was actually a little tiring.  I pried my hands away from her arm.  "It's done."

Worry was etched onto her face.  "What is?"

I gave a half smile.  "The seal."

She stepped back.  "Seal?"

No more time for games, it was time to get to the point.  Be serious.  Rip off what happened quickly.  "You cannot speak of Other's health or life with anyone that does not also carry this seal.  If you try, your memory will be wiped in March, I think March anyway.  In a quick word, Other is alive.  He made a wish, now he is a pregnant woman.  He is in trouble though, not only has his chakra drained and it isn't regenerating, it seems that he made a clone like me, but better.  It had a bigger chunk of him probably.  I know something else.  He is dying.  I can feel it.  He needs to get to Suna.  Gaara is there, he can stabilize him simply by being there.  Do you follow?"

Her mouth was slightly ajar, but she nodded.  "Gaara..." She looked away from me and brought her hand to her mouth.  "He... He slept with him, didn't he?  The baby is his?"

I nodded as she processed the information.

"I need to fix this.  You said if he gets to Gaara he might be ok?"  She took a deep breath, looked back to me, her jaw set, her mouth thin.

"I seen something about it, yes.  He stabilizes his symptoms.  It's his only chance."

"Then I will go now."

Huh?  "Go where?"

"To Suna.  There is no communication between the villages now, but the death of the Hokage is news that will travel quickly.  If he hears, he will come here.  The transfer would be pointless.  The one thing I know about them, is that they are each other's most important people.  I would expect nothing less.  I have to keep him there.  Whether I can tell him or not, I have to try."

"Oh."  I hadn't thought of it.  "I will have to get the transfer started then."

She gave a nod.  " _Thank_ you, Gaaruto."  With those words,  she was gone.

I swallowed.  Now what?

*                 *                 *

I had no idea what to do from here.  After about an hour of wandering around I found myself at the hospital, following the chakra trail of Other.  Great, they found him.  I held my hand to my chest and henged a slight disguise.  Changed my hair to brown, gave myself eyebrows, removed the weird tattoo thing from my forehead.  It would do no good to be seen as I was in such a place.  I eyed the nurse station as I passed it.  Pretty.  One of the women there was worth going after.  My stomach twisted and I swallowed.  My heart raced, a heat formed in my abdomen.  _Damn it_.  That didn't last long.  My thoughts began to cloud.  That woman, she was very pretty.

I walked up to the station, singling her out.  Dark hair, pretty blue eyes.  Her lips were thin, but plump.  Perfect for kissing.  Curves in just the right places.  Yes.  I needed her.

I would have her.  "Excuse me, miss?"  I lowered my voice, softened my face. 

She looked up at me with a trained business smile.  "May I help you?"

I leaned in.  "Could you help me?  I have a friend in a room here.  It has been so crazy, I would like it if you could show me."  I sped through the request, lacing my words with a heavy amount of my pheromone, making sure it would get into her system as quickly as possible.  I had things to do.  Other than _her_ , I had things to do.  _Come on Gaaruto, be quick about this._

"I'm sorry, who are..." Her words started to slur, "looking for?"  She began to flush and the other nurse looked over.

"Nami, are you alright?" The other asked. 

I frowned at her, she was in the way.  "Show me where?"

"Show you..." The girl I now knew as Nami trailed off.  She blinked and looked to her annoying coworker.  "I think I am fine, thank you.  I am just going to help this gentleman find his friend."

The annoyance frowned.  "Well, ok.  Just take care, ok?"

Nami nodded and headed down the hall.  I followed her silently, the heat growing in me with every step.  I needed... I wanted to...  I was out of time.  Once we were out of the way in a deserted hall, I pulled the girl into an empty room and shut the door.  Before she could protest I smothered her with my own mouth, pumping out as much of my pheromones as I could.

The girl's breath came quickly and she flushed.  "Sir, I..."

"Shh..."  I pressed my lips to her neck and pressed her into the wall behind her.  I ran my hand up her leg, to her skirt, to what lay beneath it.  Her panties were thin, easy to move.  I rubbed her there, moved her legs to either side of me.  I needed to be quick.

Need.  Want.  Hot.  I quickly moved my pants aside and breathed more of my pheromones directly into her mouth.  It was overkill, probably would linger in the air a while.  I didn't care.  I had to play.  I _needed_ to play.  The girl writhed against me, pushing on me.  I pulled back from her lips which brought out a gasp.

"Please, I need to... I..."  Nami pleaded with me.  I loved when they begged.  I shifted between her legs, using one hand to keep her panties off to the side so I could do what I needed to.  I crushed my mouth back onto hers, released more of my pheromones and buried myself in her body.

She moaned into my mouth, my lips effectively muffling her sound.  I kept them there, I had used too many pheromones, it would be quick for her.  I moved swiftly and allowed my mind to flow into the moment, breath, hot, movement, bliss.

I could feel the pressure build, then her body gripped onto mine and I released the pressure, moaning into her mouth.  Hot.  Pleasure.  Need.  Release.

I stayed in my numb pleasure, small waves of it rippling through my body.  I unlatched my lips from hers and moved her to the bed in the room, laying her panting body onto it.  My hands were shaking when I brushed her face.  I would remember this one.  She felt amazing.  I might just hunt her down again someday for another quick moment of fun.  I leaned in.  I slid my hand down her body, into her pockets.  I removed her key card and her wallet.  I took half of her money, waved it at her.  "For this.  You're welcome."

She stared at me, still panting.  "Kay..."  She trailed off and stared up at the ceiling with a blank expression.  I probably did use too much on her.  Oh well.  She would be fine.  In a few hours she would be fine.

Thankfully, my little tryst cleared my mind again.  Other.  I needed to find Other.  I felt him.  The pull of him was unmistakable.  I could always find him.  We were two pieces of a whole.  Or two of four pieces of a whole which was now missing a damned piece.  Idiot.  If I didn't need him to live, I would let him rot.

I made my way through the halls, down a few flights of stairs until I reached an area which required a key card.  How convenient I just played with someone who was nice enough to let me borrow theirs.  I slid it through and the door opened.  I was greeted by a mass of people.  Jailer was next to Other and he was yelling about not knowing what was going on.  The blonde girl... Temari looked beyond frustrated with everything, and there were... Sakura, Sasuke, Shikamaru and the bug guy I had almost entertained the idea of playing with on my way to the village.  I shuddered at that.  _No_.  Just no.  I crossed my arms and cleared my throat.  They weren't going to like me.  If everything went my way that is.  I dropped my henge.

" _You_." My jailer narrowed his eyes at me.

I smiled at him in return.  "Hello my lovely, looks like you need some help?"  I strolled in, ignoring the questions being thrown my way by every person in the room.  I walked up to Other.  He was sweating, a slight tremble to him.  This wasn't good.  "We don't have much time.  What is known?"

"We need to find Lady Hinata." Bug boy.

"She is gone.  Sorry."

"Gone?  What is going on, why is Naruto a woman?" Random guy, didn't care who.  I think maybe Shikamaru.  Could have been Sasuke.

I looked up to my face's sister.  "The woman, have you heard from her?"

Her eyes widened.  "You know of her?"

I nodded.  Oh yes, I knew.  I knew everything.  I made sure to sift through those memories earlier. 

"Coma.  She was caught in one of the blasts to the compound."

Coma?  This day was getting better and better for me.  I got to play three times and take some lovely's things.  Now, I was going to manipulate this to my advantage.  Well, not my advantage, Other's advantage.  Not that he would agree with it.

Ever.

"Other is pregnant too.  Want to know more?  I can tell you..." I smirked.

Sasuke was in front of me in a flash, grabbed hold of my shirt and pulled me off my feet.  "Details."

"You kill me, you kill him.  Hands off."  My smirk widened.  It was true.  It was something we decided was likely true before the memory wipe.  Back before I changed my name to Gaaruto.  Not my fault he didn't remember it.  He made me do it.

He let me go with a sigh.  "Pregnant?  I see, but how?"

I held up my hands and brought in three clones.  They popped into existence, they looked just like me.  "You three, hold out your arms."

"I'm not going to-"

"Why would we do something like-"

"We should do as he asks."  Bug boy was smart.  He held his arm out and my clone went to him.  He started on the signs and clasped his arm.

"Well?"  I looked at the other two.

They were both hesitant, but also held their arms out.  Just like before my clones went forward and clasped onto their arms following a flash of hand signs.  Perfect.  Use information to get what I wanted.  This would be fun.  I needed some fun in my life.

Soon, the deed was done and they all were looking at me, expectant.  "Now then, I will make the information brief."  I looked over to Jailer and noticed he too was in bad condition.  He hadn't explained much anyway.  "First..."  I walked over to him.  "Go back home, rest.  I cannot ensure both of you live through this otherwise."

He glared at me.  "I don't trust you."

I patted his head.  "Don't have a choice, now be a good boy and go away."

He groaned, and with a pop he was gone.  Finally.  Alone.  I took a deep breath and faced my new co conspirators.  "Now then, to the explanation.  In simple terms."

"Get on with it." Shikamaru sat heavily into a chair.

"He made a wish to be with Gaara, now he is a woman, pregnant with said man's baby.  It's been literally tearing him apart, which she knows." I pointed to Sakura, "He freaked when he thought the baby would be aborted, created another clone like me and the guy who was just here."

"What did you do?" Sasuke looked sideways at Sakura, a frown on his face.

"I-"

"Ah, ah, no talking, I am not done."  My clones jabbed both of them with their fingers.  "Anyway," I emphasized the word, "Lady medic noticed he stabilizes when near Gaara's chakra patterns when Temari here," I pointed at her, "accidentally helped him heal just by touching him.  So, big thing is get him to Suna.  We will need help though, Temari's chakra isn't enough to hold him through the journey.  We need the brother.  It would be too obvious to have Gaara himself come, and I am pretty sure this will depend on full secrecy.  The urgency is even more than before, now that the clone is dead."

"But why does it need to be a secret if he is alive?  Konoha needs to know their Hokage-"

"What?  That Naruto is a woman, pregnant with a rival Kage's child?   The Kazekage at that?  Don't get me wrong, but they will demand both Naruto and the kid be relocated to Suna, Hokage or not.  It might be best to leave it."  Shikamaru was staring at Naruto, a frown deep on his face.  His fingers and thumbs met up in a form of triangle in front of him, elbows rested on his legs.

I smiled.  This guy was stating my logic without me having to.

"You mean, let everyone believe he is dead?" Sakura frowned

"Why not?  We know.  That is enough, isn't it?" Sasuke walked over to Other and leaned onto the bed he was in.  He was quite a mess.  He was on a ventilator, IVs were hooked up to him, a heart monitor beeped steadily in the background.  He looked at Sakura, his brows furrowed.  "You threatened an abortion, Sakura?"

Her eyes widened then looked down.  "I only wanted him well.  You hadn't seen him.  His body was tearing itself apart.  I never had a chance to fix it, I was going to try to help, once I was able to think about it, but it was done already.  I couldn't... It's my fault, I know it is and-"

Sasuke grabbed her hand and pulled her to him.  "Hey.  I know you wouldn't hurt him."  His arm went around her waist.  "Naruto will make it.  He is too much of a fighter to die.  I knew he wouldn't have done it, I just knew..."  He took a deep breath.

"Sasuke." Sakura's eyes welled up with tears, her voice soft.

I sighed.  How disgustingly mushy.

They ignored me, the other's allowing the two their moment.  "Didn't you know, Sakura?"

"Know what?"

He sighed.  "That Naruto would move the earth if he needed to in order to make that man smile?"

"You knew about them?"

Annoying.  I clapped my hands, which brought their attention back to me.  I smiled.  Better.  "Now then, I have a plan.  Other wants to avoid forcing a marriage, Gaara is not allowed to find out anything about him due to the weird clause that the clone put in.  So, here goes.  I am calling it, Operation, dupe the Kages."

The room groaned, and I worked out my plan in detail to them.


	42. Nerved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update.  I've been working like crazy.  I did get my chapter for Inheritants up on time at least...
> 
> Some news on that- I have decided to put it up on Archive of Our Own as well.  I made a crazy decision to serialize it, break it up into pieces.  I think it lends to my style a bit better that way, then compile it into individual novels as I reach certain points.  Of course, Once published I will have to pull the work, but will keep an active update going on the two sites I work on as I continue.  Archive allows downloads, so I will give a warning to download it before it gets pulled for those interested. 
> 
> Anywho...
> 
> I am considering doing a history side fic that will elaborate on Gaaruto and Naruto's past and why he is so bitter with him.  The chapter after this one (When Kankuro gets there) will show a little bit of what happens when Gaaruto gets loose lol  I also imagine Sasuke would know what the two think about the other just because his fight with Gaara at the summit which hinted at his feelings towards Naruto, and he has a deep connection with Naruto so...
> 
> ok, on with the story!

 

** Gaara **

"Out of my way."  I hissed the words, annoyed she was blocking me from going through.  I didn't want to harm her, but if she kept me from Naruto I would not be responsible for the outcome.

"I won't." Her hands raised, the veins protruded out from her eyes ready for attack.  "It is my job to make you stay.  I will do what I must to ensure you do."

"I refuse to stay when Naruto-" My voice squeaked at his name, my emotions threatening to come through my hard exterior.  I had to get to him.  I had to-

"If you leave, you will regret it, Lord Kazekage.  You must trust me on this."

I gathered my sand around my, my strongest sands around me and I felt through the ground, felt where she was standing.  I readied myself for battle.  I glared at the dark haired woman in front of me, the woman Naruto loved.  Regret? "I would regret what exactly?"

"I-" She hissed and grabbed her arm.  "I can't say." 

"Don't you think I would regret _not_ going?"  The sand around me shifted.  I was losing patience. 

"Don't you think I would rather be there myself?  I cannot even be there when my children find out that-"

"Don't!" I interrupted her, screamed the word.  My sand shot out and covered her mouth.  I couldn't let her finish her sentence, I couldn't hear what she would say.  My heart was beating too fast.  My breath caught in my throat, I couldn't breathe.

She moved her hands and the sand was gone.  Tears were in her eyes, sliding down her cheeks.  "If you stay, there will be hope.  Please.  For Naruto, stay."

I fell to my knees and I felt arms hold me up from falling completely.  The touch made my skin crawl, my stomach turn.  "Off me."  The arms removed themselves and I was relieved from the unwanted touch.  "Hope?"  How could there be hope, if the reports were true, if I was correct in what she was about to say?

"Yes.  _Hope_."

I stared at the ground.  Did this hope have to do with the wife my brother had been summon to fetch?

"Wife?" The voice was soft, more usual of the woman I had come to associate to the woman before me.

My eyes widened at her statement.  Had I spoken aloud?  "I..."

"It might."  She crouched in front of me, hands on her knees.  "Please, let's go back."  She sounded resigned, tired.  This was Naruto's precious wife.  She chose to be here instead of at home with their precious children.

Every fiber of my being wanted to bolt, to head to Konoha, to see for myself, to know for sure what was going on.  Yet...  There was something odd and intriguing at the fact she had come in the first place.  She had to have been on the heels of my messengers.  She knew I would go, she knew I would be concerned.  It was unsettling.  "Fine." I stood and turned from her, walking back to my home.  I did not want to deal with other people.  I did not want to face anyone, I did not want to be seen, I did not want to hear anyone, I did not want...

I gathered my sand around me, encompassing myself completely.  Darkness.  Silence.  The only thing left to me was my thoughts.  I did not want those either.  They orbited around him.  Naruto.  His smile, his brightness, his laughter, his life.  The heat of his hands, the way his voice sounded.  Hope.  Could there be hope?  Was he really gone?  He couldn't be.  I wouldn't allow such a thing to transpire.  I didn't care what the messengers said.  I didn't care what anyone said.  If Naruto's wife was here rather than in Konoha delivering me the single word of hope I wouldn't allow my mind to go to there. 

I decided my legs were too heavy to walk any further.  I fell to the ground, allowing the sand to cushion my fall.  I whirled the sand around me, rolling myself forward towards my home.  I felt numb, heavy.  I couldn't shake the feeling there was something seriously wrong even though I wanted to.  Dead.  Alive.  I didn't know what to believe.

 _Hope_.  I could live with hope.  I wasn't sure what I needed to have hope for, but I wanted to believe it was meant for Naruto.  He wouldn't die so simply, would he?  No.  He _wouldn't_.  I had to believe it.  Wait.  Wait _longer_.  I could do that.

I _could_ do that.

Couldn't I?

I stopped.  Where was I?  I felt outwards, feeling out for the buildings, the terrain, the energy that surrounded me.  I allowed my thoughts to distract me from what I was doing.  I was going the wrong way.  I dropped the shield and looked to the person following me.  I sighed.  How could I fix this without being noticeable?  If I backtracked and went the way I needed to in order to reach my house it would be obvious to what I had done. 

I would not allow this woman to think less of me.  She was Naruto's precious person, his wife.  The person who I should likely avoid at all costs considering.  I wasn't looking forward to speaking with her.  It would be awkward.  What if she knew?  What if I was obvious about it and she figured it out without me saying anything?  Why couldn't I control my thoughts?

Because I was worried.  Because I was petrified.  Because I just wanted to turn around and go to Konoha and see if Naruto was ok.

I shifted my gaze when I seen Hinata shift her weight and look away from me.  I was staring.  What to do?  I wasn't going to admit I was blindly rolling around the streets of Suna caught up in my own thoughts.  It would be wrong.  Weak.  I was not weak.

"Um, Lord Kazekage..." She wrung her hands, "Where are we going?  Isn't your house and Kazekage tower the other way?"

My eyes widened and I openly gaped at her.  How in the hell would she know?  "You have spied on me?"

Her own eyes widened and she blushed.  "No!" She held up her hands, "Naruto, every time he came back from Suna."

I blinked at her.  Huh?  "What do you mean?"

She sighed.  "When we get to where we are going, then we can speak.  It is too..." She looked off to the side, up at the buildings.  There were people at the windows, pointing. 

Of course they would be.  Their Kazekage was rolling around their neighborhood in a giant sandball.  I never even came this way before so my presence likely would unnerve or excite the residents here.  "I agree."  I turned on my heel, knowing I was already caught and headed back where we came from.

We walked in silence, the midday heat unwavering.  I could feel my sweat mixing into my sand. I was sure Hinata was likely in much worse shape than I was considering Konoha rarely had such heat.  I went as fast as I could towards my home.

*                 *                 *

The woman had followed me to my room, much to my dismay.  I must have forgotten to tell her to wait in the kitchen when I passed through, or she outright ignored me.  It was likely the latter since she was so determined to keep me where I was.  We sat at either side of my table, staring at each other in relative silence.  I shifted in my seat.  "Would you care for tea?"

"I'm fine.  Thank you."  She shifted as well.  She looked down at the table.

I placed my hands on the table and folded them together.  I clenched my jaw.  I shifted again.  Uncomfortable.  This was highly uncomfortable.

"Lord Kazekage..." Her voice was soft, unsteady.

I looked at her, she didn't continue or look up from the table, instead she stared at my hands.  She said nothing else and I didn't ask her to continue.  I had betrayed this person.  Betrayed the thing which was most valuable.  Naruto was her husband, her most precious person.  I had an affair with him, was entertaining the idea of continuing said affair.  To be sitting so close, alone, with the one who was betrayed most by those actions was unnerving.

One of her hands shot forward, landing on top of mine.  I froze, my body stiffened as the heat of her hands penetrated my sand.  My breath caught in my throat.  I had the urge to pull away, to be rid of her.  My skin crawled, my stomach knotted painfully as I fought to keep myself still.

"Lord Kazekage." Her voice was firmer, her eyes moved up to meet mine.  The paleness was cold and like steel.  Almost dark.

I swallowed.  Did she know? 

Fight the urge to move. 

Don't kill Hinata. 

 _Please stop touching me_.  My fingers flinched beneath hers.  Hot.  Not like _his_.  Not like my family.  I didn't know her very well.  Touching me.  She needed to stop touching me.  I began to shake.  She was still saying silent.  "Yes?" My voice was hoarse and dry.  My heart sped up.  I wanted to shove her away.  My breath quickened.  I needed her to move her hand.  I needed to get away.  How close was the door?

Her hand tightened on mine.

I gasped and jerked my hands away.  I couldn't.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I gave her my most annoyed glare.  I dug at the sand there, where her hand was on mine.  I could feel her touch yet.  It was disgusting. I moved it around, erasing the warmth, scraping into my skin as I did.  I needed to erase the touch, make it go away.  I could still feel it, it made me feel sick.  My stomach turned at the thought.  I hated being touched.  She was Hinata.  It shouldn't bother me so much with her, but it did.  It always had.  There were few people who didn't trigger the reaction in me, make me want to boil my body and scrape my skin away.  My family, though there was once a time even they couldn't get near me.  I had trained myself to be comfortable with them.  Shinki never bothered me at all. 

"It doesn't bother when he touches you does it?" She retracted her hand and looked back down to the table, her voice back to being meek and soft.

I blinked, still rubbing my hands on my pants, trying to replace the feeling of her touch.  Naruto was always tolerable to a degree.  He never made me want to rip my skin off after prolonged periods of closeness.  Then, there was _that_.  The memory flooded my mind and I felt my face heat up.  Yes, let's think about the said affair in front of the man's wife.  How lovely of me.  "He is tolerable."

She gave a small hum.  "Do you love him?"

I half choked.  What?  I must have misheard her.  "I do not believe I heard you correctly, Lady Hinata."  I looked away from her.

"You heard me correctly, Lord Kazekage.  I need to know.  Do you love him?" Her meekness was gone again, her voice stern, almost angry sounding. 

I took a deep breath.  Love him?  Love Naruto?  _Could_ I?  Was I capable of love to such a calibre?  I didn't know if I could.  What did I truly feel for him?  Was it love?  How would I know?  I hadn't allowed myself to consider the possibility.  The idea scared me more than I wanted to admit.  What would I do if I were in love with him?  If I acknowledged it, what good would it do?  I could never have him.  He belonged to her.  Did she want to torture me with the thought?  Plant the seed and allow me to slowly lose my mind because he would always be just beyond my reach.

"Your answer, please."  Her eyes bore into me, even without her ability activated it felt as though she could see through me.

I wanted to be anywhere but where I was at the moment.  "I do not know."  It was the truth.  I didn't know.  I didn't know how to tell.  I was devoid of such emotion for so long in my childhood I had struggled to understand the true meaning of the word.  It had taken years to acknowledge Kankuro, Temari and Shinki in such a way.  Naruto was different though.  Vastly different.  In what manner I was unsure.  "Will I see Naruto again?"  The question left my lips before I could stop it.  I hadn't been able to push the worry from my mind, it lingered there, tickling my thoughts ever present.  I needed some sort of confirmation.  Some sort of indication I was wrong, that my messengers were wrong. 

"Yes." Her eyes widened, a small smile formed at her lips.  "I think you will see Naruto soon." She gave a half laugh, then sighed, the smile falling from her lips.  "I cannot say more than that Lord Kazekage.  I've been bound."

I tilted my head at her.  Bound?  Bound from what?  My heart started to race as what she said sunk in.  I would see him again.  I would see Naruto.  Soon.  I gave a small sigh of relief.  Not dead then.  No matter his condition I could handle it as long as there was some sort of hope still lingering.  Love.  I wonder if I did in fact love him.

"I know of your affair." The words were quick, low and squeaky.

I stilled.  She knew.  No wonder she seemed as uncomfortable as I did.  "He told you?" I barely pushed the words from my mouth, the air wanting to stick inside my throat.

"No, he... I just..." Her eyes darted around the room before she shut them tightly.  "I'm sorry.  Forgive me.  I never meant for it to happen that way, I just wanted..."

"Forgive you?" It made no sense.  I was the one who had betrayed them.  I forced him to be with me, no matter what happened afterwards.  The only blame went to the person who had made me lose control of myself. 

"It was me.  I was the one.  I was the reason..." She trailed off, tears in her eyes.

I stared at her.  "I do not understand Lady Hinata.  Reason for what?"  My brows pursed together, I allowed my confusion to show on my face.

"I paid for it.  I wanted him to be happy.  That is all I wanted, I didn't know what would happen.  I made a mistake."

"Paid for..." I trailed off.  A lump started to grow in my stomach.  I had a bad feeling.  I wasn't fully following her stream of words, but I started to wonder if it had to do with what happened in the cave.  "Did you have something to do with the attack on us?  It made me lose control.  Naruto said he had it under control, so I stopped the investigation." The words came without hesitation.  She might have information, she might have been involved.  I needed to know.  I wanted to know.  She could tell me.

"Lost... Control?" She looked more pale than she did a moment ago.

"I attacked him.  He nearly died."

"Oh."  She wrung her hands, voice quiet.  "Tell me about it?"  She was staring at her hands, her voice was barely audible.

I stared at her.  She couldn't be serious about that.  It was hard enough to just sit here and have any sort of conversation and she wanted the details of how I had sex with her husband?  "I don't have time for this." Excuse.  My usual way out of conversations I was either tired of or was too uncomfortable to continue.  This one was both.  I stood from my chair.

"Do not get me wrong, Lord Kazekage, but I am sure you can spare some time for this." She frowned and looked up from her hands.

I sat back down.  The last time I heard someone call me out on it was when... I felt my face heat, the odd tingling in my stomach began to become more noticeable.  In front of _her_ , no less.  I was immensely glad my sand encased my body in the moment, it would protect me from her gaze, the tell tale sign of how I was being affected.  It would protect me from unsavory embarrassment.  "Won't it bother you?"

"I will not lie to you and tell you it won't.  I will not pretend it didn't happen either.  I need to know, for him, to understand.  I need to know."

I sighed.  Telling Hinata what happened in detail was not something I ever planned on doing.  Ever.  It was on the very bottom of my priority list.  List.  I had never put this in as an option.  Then, being held in Suna by said person was not on the list either.  I had no plans for this situation.  What should I do?  Would she allow me to sit for a while and think it out?  Write down possible reactions, a script I could use in order for her to be satisfied without being too descriptive?

I doubted she would, though it would help me immensely.  I disliked not knowing how to work around situations like these.  Talking, conversations which revolved around things beyond politics and plans about the city were difficult for me.  This, this was far more personal than anything else had been.  She wanted more.  I hadn't even gone into detail with Kankuro.  He understood me well enough not to press, but this woman, she didn't know me.  She was used to Naruto.  Outgoing Naruto.  I was hardly him at all.

"It happened during the sandstorm?"

I gave a slow nod.  She would start it for me then.  "You know of it."

"Yes.  His clone mentioned it to me a couple weeks ago."

His clone.  "I see."  I took a deep breath and looked away from her.  I couldn't look at her and say it.  It was wrong.  "It happened there, yes." I paused, "I lost control of my body.  He turned into a girl, and I hurt him with my sand." Not too detailed, implied.  "I was able to stabilize him, but..." I trailed off.  Fix things.  He wanted to fix things.  The tingle in my stomach crawled lower.  Honestly, how did people manage life with this? 

I worked at keeping my head clear.  "He tried to fix it by... And he... And we..." The room echoed with the sound of cracking sand.  My face was unbearably hot.  The thought of what happened there, the memory of him wrapped around me, his voice, his breath, his heat.  Too much.  I needed to clear my head.

"The affair."  Statement.  She knew.  She knew enough.  I didn't elaborate.

"It shouldn't have been possible." I moved my eyes to her, she looked oddly calm with it all.

"Why?"

I straightened my back.  If she could look as though the details of her husband's affair didn't phase her, I could at least try to look nonchalant about it.  I blanked my face.  I thought back to it.  The horrible exam, all the disgusting magazines and books they had given me with pictures of various nude people in them.  "I believe they said the word is impotent."

She coughed.  "But you aren't."

I groaned.  "It would not seem so."  I hated talking this much.  After this conversation, I was going to rest.

"You never experienced anything like it before then?"

I shook my head.  Embarrassing.  Why was I having this conversation with her?  Was it because I felt like my insides had melted?  Because I felt drained after thinking Naruto had possibly died on me?  Because it felt as though I owed her something for doing with her husband an activity only meant for married couples?  "I haven't been normal since then."

She blushed this time.  It was slightly satisfying to see.  "Oh."

I frowned.  She seemed knowledgeable in these sorts of matters.  "Lady Hinata, I went and seen my doctor about it.  Would you know what she meant about making it go away with self medication?"

I wasn't sure why she slapped me.  I only asked a simple question.


	43. Clone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I wrote while eating ramen with chopsticks, authenticity! This chapter is a bit shorter than most, but it felt like it needed to end there, so it did.  It is a little weird, but this will sort of be the format of the Naruto chapters for a little while.  What he is experiencing is confusing, but I hope I was able to convey what is going on well enough.  The next chapter will be following Kankuro and a bit more information on what is happening in Konoha. 
> 
> From here on out the story will be pretty angsty.  Still a lot to happen between here and the end of part 1.  Still debating what to call the second part as well as the art to use on it.  Might just make a generic cover and draw it myself when I get the time because there are no pictures I can find that have what I see in my head lol.  (I mean, I did go to school for art and creative writing so might as well put it to use for once)
> 
> Thank you everyone for your kind reviews!  It does help motivate me to continue :D

 

** Naruto **

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

The annoying high pitched sound was the only thing I could hear.  I wanted it to stop.

_Beep._

_Beep._

I needed it to stop.  Every beep made my head throb in pain.  It was annoying, loud.  Why wouldn't it stop?

_Beep._

_Beep._

I tried opening my eyes, but they were too heavy.  Why couldn't I open my eyes?

_Beep._

_Beep._

I tried moving my arm, my leg, anything.  Nothing would budge.  Heavy.  Everything felt too heavy, dead weight, unable to budge. 

_Beep._

_Beep._

Where was I anyway?  Everything in my body hurt.  Maybe that's why I couldn't move.

_Beep._

_Beep._

What happened to me?  Last I remembered... Last I remembered... I couldn't.  I couldn't remember.  What was going on?  What in the fuck happened to me?  Was I injured?  Was anybody else involved?  Was Konoha attacked?  What about my kids?  Hinata?  Were they ok?

_Beep.  Beep.  Beep._

The beeps sped up with my train of thought.  Fuck, calm down.  Hospital.  I must be in a damned hospital.  I tried to calm my breathing.

_Beep._

_Beep_.

I was almost relieved when the beeping slowed back to what it had been before.  Seriously though, what in the hell happened to me?  I couldn't fucking move.

_Beep._

_Beep._

I worked at moving my fingers.  If I could just... If I could just move a little, I could at least turn down the dang machine.  I couldn't take those damn beeps anymore.  I could barely think.

_Beep._

_Beep._

I put everything I had into it and I felt my fingers twitch.  Progress.  Just a bit more...  Cross them...

_Beep._

_Beep._

I couldn't even groan at the pain I felt when I pooled my chakra into my hand as my fingers made the sign.  Come on, I could do this.  Just one clone...

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Pompf_.

My head went fuzzy at the release.  It needed to work, it needed to...

*                 *                 *

I gasped for air as memory flooded my mind, I felt my body contort, my back lift off of whatever I was laying on.  Where was I?

_Beep._

_Beep._

What in the hell was that... that...

*                 *                 *

I stood in a room.  I felt drained.  What in the hell?

_Beep._

_Beep._

Oh, right, that damned beeping sound.  I looked down and seen myself in a bed, hooked up to a bunch of equipment.  Clone.  I was a clone.  I sighed as I looked down at myself.  That me was covered head to toe in bruises, the sheet barely covered me.  I found myself staring at myself.  I looked like... A girl.  Well, this was fucking weird.  Why in the hell would I look like a girl?

_Beep._

_Beep._

Right, the beeping.  I moved to turn down the sound of the beeps, but wasn't sure which nob or button would do it.  I looked at it a moment wishing I had paid some sort of attention to what they had touched all the times I had ended up in the hospital and asked them to turn down the damned machine.  Normally I would just pull any of the contraptions off of me, but it looked like I actually needed the stuff.

What the heck happened to me anyway?  I decided to investigate.  The isolated dark room with just lonely ole me in the center was kinda creepy anyway.  I'm sure the other me would like to know what happened too, since I was thinking it.  Did our thoughts ever differ from the original?

Nah.  I don't recall ever thinking differently when I got memories back from my clones.

 _His_ clones.

Whatever.

I easily found the door and slipped out, thankful it was unguarded but...  Where was I?  The walls of the narrow passageway were made of stone, the floor was nothing more than dirt.  I could barely see down it, the lights were dim in the narrow passage.  I squinted and closed the door, relieved of the infernal beeping sound and gave a soft apology to myself for leaving me with the sound.

I stayed still and listened.  Waited for some kind of sound, any kind of sound to float its way to my ears.  I didn't know which way to turn.  I needed to find out what was going on.

Maybe Grandma Tsunade or the Pervy Sage would be around and fill me in.  It would be cool if either of them were here.

A clank echoed through the long hall.  To the right of the room.  I quietly followed the direction the sound came in hopes of finding someone who could help me.  Then again, I had to be careful.  There were crazy asses out there trying to kill me, or at least steal the damned fox.

Akatsuki was it?  I think that's who they are.  I pressed myself to the wall, wishing I had more energy to be more stealthy.  Maybe they had kidnapped me, maybe they were prepping me so they could take it out of me.

No fucking way.  I heard they got to a couple of the others.  The news spread like wildfire while I was out training.  I stilled.  Was I still out training?  When was I anyway?  I blinked as I tried to remember, my mind in a fog.

What happened?  I remember...

I remember...

Hinata.  A little dude who kinda looked like me.  Was I married?  I looked down at my hand and didn't see the tell tale sign of marriage, a ring.  Maybe not?

I was seriously confused.  How long had I been out?  Why couldn't I remember anything?

Footsteps.

My hands went to my leg and realized I hadn't brought myself into existence with my ninja pack.  Idiot.  What if something happened?  I looked around me.  There was no place to hide and I had no equipment to help me and I was too exhausted to pull off any kind of jutsu.  I sighed.  Might as well get it over with.  I stood tall and waited for my doom.

The person came into view and their eyes went wide.  "Naruto?"  Pink hair, short, a weird looking triangle on her forehead kinda like Grandma's.

"Um... Sakura?"  It couldn't be.  She was too damned old to be her.

She sighed.  "Naruto, you really got to stop making clones."

I stared at her.  "Stop... Making clones?"

"Just follow me, will you?" She turned on her heel and headed the way she came.

I hesitated, then followed obediently.  She implied this wasn't the first time I sent a clone out to see what happened.  I couldn't have though, I would have remembered.  I would remember, right?  Why wouldn't I?  I swallowed, feeling nervous.  What was going on?  Was I supposed to know?

She pushed on the wall, the stone where she touched pushed into the wall and an opening formed.  She stood aside and motioned me forward.

Was this a trap?  Sakura didn't look like herself completely.  Maybe this was a ploy to get me to follow.  Then, why would she not just pop me then?  I sighed and did as she wanted.  The room I entered was filled with people, and as soon as they looked up they all groaned.  I think I heard a 'not again' from someone that looked like Shikamaru's dad, but without the scar.  I frowned as I scanned the room, trying to pick out familiar faces.  Every person in the room looked familiar, but different.  Older.  Maybe it _was_ Sakura who had let me in the room after all.  I studied them all a moment as I tried to place them.  So...  That guy must have been Shikamaru then, Temari, Shino, Kakashi Sensei and Gaara.  _Gaara_?

Wait, no, _not_ Gaara.  Thank goodness.  A voice of reason in all this, something familiar.  I rushed to him, threw my arms around him.  He gasped at my sudden hug, but I didn't care.  He would have my back, he would fill me in.  "Hey, where is Pervy Sage?"  I whispered in his ear, not sure anybody else would be straight with me.

He pushed on me, his eyes wide as I parted from him.  Was it something I said?  His brow line furrowed.

"Gaaruto?  What did he say?"

Gaaruto?  Who in the hell was Gaaruto?  I looked over to Neji.  Neji... He looked like him.  Sort of, too muscular though.  Wait... Was he?

What was going on?

"I think he's getting worse.  Temari, you should go back in while we wait for Kankuro."  My alter ego sounded hoarse, tired.  Were they referring to him as Gaaruto?  Why in the hell would they do that?

"Right." Temari left the room quickly.

"What... What is going on?"  I looked between all the different faces in the room.  "What the hell?  What year is this?   What is happening to me, why are they calling you Gaaruto, seriously what in the damned hell?"  I looked at my other, "Narutwo, tell me, what the hell is going on, why are they calling you that?  You can be straight with me right?"

He squeaked at what I said.  "Shut up.  Just be quiet.  You need to be still.  Rest, damn it."  He rushed me, a deep pain erupted from my stomach.

"Why..."

"Shh..." 

The last thing I saw was everyone rushing towards us.

*                 *                 *

 _Beep, beep, beep, beep._   The sound was quick as the memory flooded my mind.  What the hell?  The memory answered nothing, only made me want to know more.  Rest?  How could I rest after this?  Why was Narutwo out?  Why did he seem so hostile?  Why did they call him that weird name?  Why did I look like a girl?

Why was Temari in Konoha?  Seriously, how many years had it-

I felt a warmth on my hand, I felt my hand lifted and another hand cupped over my hand as the other entwined our fingers.  Who was this?

"Hey, it's going to be ok.  Just sleep, will you?" Temari... It was...

Temari was...

The pain I become accustomed to began to fade away.

Tired.  I was so tired.

The beeping sound slowed as a soft tune was hummed by the woman holding my hand.

Safe.  I felt safe.  I didn't fight it as my head went fuzzy and allowed sleep to take me.

*                 *                 *

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

The annoying high pitched sound was the only thing I could hear.  I wanted it to stop.

_Beep._

_Beep._

I needed it to stop.  Every beep made my head throb in pain.  It was annoying, loud.  Why wouldn't it stop?

_Beep._

_Beep._

I tried opening my eyes, but they were too heavy.  Why couldn't I open my eyes?  There was a weird warmth to my hand.

_Beep._

_Beep._

I tried moving my arm, my leg, anything.  Nothing would budge.  Heavy.  Everything felt too heavy, dead weight, unable to budge.  Wait, was somebody holding my hand?

_Beep._

_Beep._

Where was I anyway?  Everything in my body hurt.  Maybe that's why I couldn't move...


	44. Operation Dupe the Kages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how much of an edit will be done to this, or how happy I am with it, but it is 4 am and I am tired lol.  Anyway, last chapter beyond the viewpoint of our lovely Gaara and Naruto.  Getting so close to the end of the first part!  Still need to figure out the title for the next part.
> 
> Also, I am playing with the idea that when I finish this in it's entirety (First and second part, the sequel and the one shots) I will work on transferring it to Inak.  Will be pretty hard to separate it from the Naruto-verse but I have fallen in love with this piece and want to incorporate it into my own world.
> 
> New song added to me playlist:
> 
> Ruelle - Take it all

 

** Kankuro **

Gaara was going to be fucking pissed.  Kankuro was not looking forward to going back home to Suna, nor was he looking forwards to arriving to said place that was going to make Gaara so fucking pissed in the first place.  Did they not know how damned fragile the guy was?

Was Naruto off of his fucking rocker to even consider doing this damned thing to him in the first place?  Bastard.  Just because he freaked out about sleeping with the guy he shoves some damned woman at him?  Did they really think he would just agree to whoever they picked so easily?  Hell he would.  Gaara deserved more than this.  Bastards.

To hell if they went to war with Konoha.  It wouldn't be the first time they had done it.  Screw the treaties and relations.  If the overly hyper blonde haired bastard thought he could just get rid of his little brother so damned easy he had something else coming.

He had come quickly with only Junji to keep watch.  He was pissed off.  Angry.  Seething.  Ready to kill.  Maybe just a little distracted.  If he didn't do the right thing, no matter his personal opinion he would have to face Gaara. 

Gaara.  The same Gaara who had been in a horrible mood ever since he had been literally screwed by said blonde haired bastard who was about to figuratively screw him.  He groaned.  This sucked.  It was easier when Gaara simply didn't understand the workings of the human body and shrugged it off as something he would never do.

Now, of course, he discovered the workings of the body and now was feeling depraved.  At least, that was his guess.  He did have over thirty years of catching up to do after all.  Couldn't Naruto have just given in and went through with continuing the affair, plain and simple?  It wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Not really.  The guy's wife would just have to fucking understand the arrangement would be for the good of everyone.  Seriously, everyone.  Not just Suna or Konoha, but fucking everyone.  If anybody else had ever seen him lose control they might understand the need to keep him sane.  He had witnessed it.  He had lived it.  Gaara petrified him, but they had come a long, _long_ way since then.  Gone were the days he looked for the closest escape routes.  Gone were the days he would go clear across Suna just because he heard a rumor the red haired serial killer gone mad might be somewhat in the vicinity.  He was proud of the little guy's abilities, sure, he was his little brother.  He remembered teasing him when he was small, having him make food sculptures out of the sand.  He was cute then, before he went crazy.

He only needed to see his joyous bloodthirsty smile once, see him kill someone for fun once.  Hear as their bones were ground into powder, the sand they were encased in turn deep red.  Hear their pleas, their screams, the end of life.  It was horrific on the opposing side.  He barely lived through their missions when they received them.  Back then, the threats on his life weren't in jest.

If he had acted on those threats back then, there would be nothing he could have done about it.  Gaara was strong.  Ridiculously strong.  If he wanted, he could take down most of the world, if he didn't care.  Thankfully, he did.  He hesitated, he gauged worthiness of death, he depended on his skills.  He was a better Gaara.

He was not about to fucking lose that.  Everyone is Suna would be in danger.  Everyone in Konoha would be in danger.  Gaara was a madman with a thin veil of sanity.  It was carefully pieced together, stitched with silk, easily breakable.  Temari had helped him stitch that veil, Naruto had given them the thread.

Naruto was the only one who could take the thread away, take away years of work and destroying it with a simple act.  Bastard.  He was going to kill him personally when he got there.  Wife?  What was he thinking?

A personal request from the Hokage. 

_Baki took him aside, away from the rest of the council.  He rolled his sleeve up and revealed what looked like a seal.  "This will make sense when you arrive.  Memorize this mark.  It is the only one you can trust.  The Hokage put in a personal request for you to come to Konoha and approve his choice in brides for Lord Gaara."  He grabbed Kankuro's arm.  "Do not let your personal feelings get in the way of this operation.  It is the most important one you have ever been assigned, be aware of that."_

Everything was confusing.  What the hell anyway?

"Lord Kankuro."

There was something fishy about this entire thing.  Why wait for months before going through with it?  Maybe he had to find-

"Lord Kankuro." Junji collided with him.  Their bodies fell to the ground, a kunai in the younger boy's hand.  There was a shuriken which landed where he'd been standing.

He was too distracted and he quickly changed places with his puppet, annoyed with himself for allowing his thoughts to override his basic instincts.  He couldn't see anyone, but he could feel their chakra.  It was immense, strange.  Oddly... Familiar, but not.  He frowned.  Who was this?  He moved his puppet out further hoping to draw his attacker out.

It worked, a boy with brown hair and eyes came into the clearing.  He crossed his arms and smiled at his puppet.  "Puppet master puppet master, wherever do you hide.  Puppet plain in sight, but not you." He laughed, his smile wide as he laughed.  It was an oddly familiar, jovial laugh.

It was annoying as hell.  He pulled at the strings and the puppet who was pretending to be him attacked the laughing annoyance.   The boy didn't flinch when the attack came, allowed the blade to pierce him and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"The hell?" The puppet said the words for him, still forcing himself to stay hidden.

There was a groan and the sound of rustling coming from the other side of the clearing.  A man stood, raised his hands and stepped forward.  "Do not attack, you must excuse my annoying companion.  I had not realized that he stowed away on the journey here." A familiar voice.  He couldn't clearly place it yet, but he knew it definately was one from Konoha.

He dropped the ruse of the puppet, ignored the questioning look from his companion and stood up.  "What in the hell was all that about anyway?  Why in the hell attack us when you asked us here?"  Kankuro crossed his arms and waited, albeit impatiently, for the response.

The visored man sighed.  "He was not meant to join us.  Obviously he can cloak his clones well." He walked away from the puppet and came to stand directly in front of Kankuro and his companion.  "I would like to apologize for that idiot's behavior."

"Who was that?"

There was a deep groan.  "Someone demented.  You will meet him directly soon.  I will need to cloak you.  Nobody can know of your arrival.  This operation is top secret, need to know.  You have been chosen to be part of this team.  The success of this operation hinges on your cooperation, and the peace between our nations depends upon it's success."

Kankuro frowned.  This all seemed just a hare excessive for what he was called in for.  "All this for me to approve of some girl for Gaara to marry?"  He couldn't shake the feeling there was more going on than what he was told.

The guy stood, stoic, unmoving, no expressions showing on his face, the visor cutting off the sight of his eyes.  It was strange, but in that moment he was reminded of his little brother.  "Is that what they told you?"

"Isn't that why I'm here?" Kankuro felt a knot form in his stomach.

"Approval is not needed, and I suppose that their marriage would be the end result of all this." Deadpan.  He stood, hands in his pockets, his voice unwavering, certain.

He was creepy.  Kankuro thought back, worked at connecting what it was about this guy that creeped him out so much.

Then he remembered.  "Shino Aburame?"

The man hummed.  "You remember me, how touching.  Took you long enough, didn't it?"

He rolled his eyes as he stepped towards him.  "What can I say, it's been a while since our fight, hasn't it?"

"It has.  If I weren't in such a hurry, I might ask for a rematch.  However, pride is hardly enough to start a fight when there are such pressing matters at hand.  Follow me." He turned after speaking, pointed to the right, away from the road into Konoha and disappeared.

Kankuro turned to the silent boy who followed him, nodded in the same direction and headed to follow the man.  Everything felt off.  Something was wrong.  An uneasy twisting of his stomach made him feel ill.  There was something going on.  Something important.  Something dangerous.  Had they been invaded?  Had he been lied to about Gaara's impending marriage, and what exactly did Shino mean by what he said?  He clenched his jaw and followed the man who moved at the edges of his field of vision.  He was quick, but Kankuro was faster.  He trained often, more than most his age.  He had a job to protect and serve Gaara, the fifth Kazekage.  It was a self appointed title, one he fought for and earned.  He could trust no other to do his job.  Too many people held a grudge against him, too many people thought he didn't deserve the position, too many people still secretly thought him to be a monster.

Bastards.  They had no right.  He scoffed and cleared his mind.  His thoughts had gotten him attacked by some guy he had never met before.  Someone demented, according to the man he was following.  He needed to keep his mind clear.  He couldn't depend on his own student to keep him safe.  Just because Gaara wasn't there didn't mean he could let his guard down.

Step, branch, stone, turn.  Before long they arrived at a small shack deep in the woods and the man entered.  What was this?  He stopped a moment in hesitation before following him in, leaving Junji to watch the door.  The place was small, a bed against one wall, a wood burning stove against the other, a sink on the other, with a small mirror. 

Shino tossed a cloth at him.  "Remove your face paint."

His eyes widened.  "What?"  He couldn't be serious.

"If you were to walk into Konoha as you are now, you would be recognized.  You accompany the Kazekage on every trip here and he is a very public figure."  He put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall. "However, remove what makes you recognizable and I might be able to pull off getting you inside the village.  We want as little attention to our activities as possible."

He groaned and looked at the cloth.  He rarely went without his makeup in public within Suna, let alone beyond the borders.  He gripped the cloth.  Something was very off.  Gaara had been uneasy for days before the request had come in, just saying he felt something was off.

Something was off.  He just didn't know what yet.  He knew he would find out soon.  He gave a slight, curt nod and turned to the sink and turned on the faucet.  He dampened the cloth and took a deep breath.  There were some from this place who seen him without his makeup before.  The ones who had come to help when those asses murdered his baby brother.  Found a way through his ultimate defense. 

He had never been so angry and happy when it happened.  Gaara had used every ounce of his power to move his sand away from Suna so he wouldn't drown the city with it.  He could have saved himself.  He should have saved himself, but he chose the people instead, knowing who he was against, knowing he would die if he was taken.  He chased them, managed a scrap of fabric from the traitor and was able to - in the end - contribute to the resurrection of his precious baby brother.

He looked into his own eyes in the mirror.  This was for Gaara.  He knew it all dealt with Gaara in some way.  He was requested personally.  He set up a large guard to keep watch over Gaara in his absence, make sure this wasn't some ruse to get him away from the man.

He wasn't too worried about him though.  Gaara's fuse was getting shorter and shorter thanks to his experience with Naruto.  He didn't like admitting it, but after nearly getting bludgeoned to death with sand for annoying him, it would probably do Gaara some good to murder someone if they were so stupid to attack. 

It took every ounce of his resolve to bring the cloth to his face, wiping away his carefully placed markings.  His painted on mask, his mark, his earned right as a puppet master.  Purple stained the porcelain beneath him with every swipe, with every wring of the cloth.  Bit by bit he became more vulnerable, more human.  It only took a couple minutes, but the minutes were agonizing.  Slow.  He could feel the eyes of the man behind him, watching as his face washed down the drain.

He pushed down his hood, then removed his coat.  It wouldn't be worth being recognized just by his signature coat.  He worked hard on his image.  He thankfully had grown tall and the ensemble made him intimidating by nature.  He felt naked without the items, without his makeup.  He looked back into the mirror.  Rasa.

He couldn't help but see it every time he looked at himself without the makeup.  If he had just a tinge more red to his hair, he would look like a burly version of his father.  His jaw was slightly more square than his, but his eyes, his eyes were his.  He hated it.  He never noticed it himself, but ever since Gaara had pointed it out to him a month after he started to live with him and Temari he couldn't look at himself the same way.  His father's eyes.

He was beyond thankful Shinki hadn't inherited those.  He turned away from his reflection and back to the man the had brought him.  "Happy?"

He shrugged.  "Stop wasting time.  We must hurry, it's been too long as it is.  Remove anything that might indicate you are from Suna and follow me." He turned and exited the place.

He groaned.  He could feel this was going to be a long mission.  He removed the rest of his gear which would tie him to Suna.  He took out a small scroll and quickly sealed his larger scroll which held his puppets inside.  If the idiot thought he would go in without his puppets, he was insane.

*                 *                 *

It took just over two hours to reach the gates of Konoha, and it was nothing like Kankuro had imagined.  Large holes littered the ground, people scrambled around trying to clean up various debris while others worked on repairing different structures.  He was too distracted by the commotion to pay attention to the gatekeepers.  He vaguely recalled being introduced as someone from a neighboring village who needed to speak to the Hokage.

"What happened?" Junji whispered the words.  The boy rarely spoke, but this was one occasion which merited the reaction.

Shino merely motioned them to follow him.  They silently did, going further into the city where there was less damage.  City center held no damage, instead the screens which were prominent on the buildings held a repeating video message.  This is what made Kankuro stop in his tracks.

This is what made Kankuro sick.  Made him afraid, worried and nervous all at the same time.  On the screens was the past Hokage, Kakashi Hatake, assuring Konoha was safe.  That the death of the seventh Hokage would not end any of the peace agreements already in place.  To keep going about their everyday lives and help with rebuilding the city.

Underneath was a small running ticker tape which made him want to bolt back to Suna.  _Naruto Uzumaki funeral times: November 2nd memorial services 10 am, 4pm, 8pm; Funeral spire November 3rd_ at 11am.  _All are invited to attend one event_.

Naruto Uzumaki. 

Funeral. 

The word meant dead.  As in Naruto Uzumaki was dead.  The savior of his precious little brother, the silk thread which held his fragile existence and mind in check.  His body stiffened.  Gaara was going to lose it.  Everything was lost.  Wife or not, he was going to lose his fucking mind over this.  He felt a tug on his arm and he followed the tug.  Numb.  That was the best description of how he felt.  Completely, utterly and horribly numb.  He blindly walked in the direction of the tug, allowing his mind to fog in a panic.

He wasn't close himself with the man.  His death was bad, yes, but it was Gaara he was worried about.  He wouldn't take the news well.  He would lose his temper at best, kill something.  What if he stopped caring?  What if he reverted?  What if he wanted to join him in the afterlife?

His thoughts were jerked back into the present when he was abruptly forced to still his feet.  His eyes widened when he noticed what had stopped them.  A blonde haired boy, shoulders slumped, his hair covered his eyes.  "Uncle Shino." The boy's voice was tight and hoarse.  He reached a hand out and tugged on Shino's sleeve.

"Boruto." He acknowledged the boy.

Kankuro took a step back and moved his head in hopes the young son of the man who had died wouldn't recognize him.  Not that he'd ever seen what he looked like without his makeup, but he didn't want to take any unnecessary chances on it.

"Mom hasn't come home yet." His grip tightened on Shino's sleeve, his knuckles turning white.  "Have you... Will you..." His voice wavered and his head lowered.  "Himawari won't leave her room.  Come over?" He sped through the words.

Kankuro noticed a small drip fall from the top of the boy's nose.  He was crying.  He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes.  He couldn't do anything to help.  Couldn't offer condolences, couldn't say it would be ok.

It _wasn't_ ok.  He wasn't even supposed to be there.  He had just lost his father.  He couldn't do anything.  He knew all too well how it felt to lose a parent, his mom when he was little, then his father when he was a teenager.  The loss of his father had been a small blessing in his case, but he had mourned in secret.  His dad was strict, sure, but he never was treated bad.  He tagged along to every event, his father even bragged about one of his two kids being the best Kazekage Suna had ever seen.  That idea got dropped the moment Gaara expressed the tiniest shred of interest in the position. 

 _Gaara_.  He hoped Shino would shoo the boy away so they could get where they were going so he could get back to Suna as soon as possible.  It was entirely possible Gaara had already received the news.  The city would need a buffer.

Or Konoha would if he started off towards the village, which Kankuro knew was more possible than he cared admit to.  He knew better than anyone the extent of his brother's obsession with the blonde haired nuisance.

He felt a tug on his arm again and he looked up to see the boy had left.  No words were spoken, he just moved forward, down the street.  Kankuro followed listening to the footsteps in front and behind him.  If he were honest with himself he owed everything to the man who perished.  Owed him for Gaara, owed him for the safety of Suna, owed him for saving everyone, owed him for-

They stopped outside of the hospital.  Kankuro arched his brows.  "Why are we stopping here?"

Shino looked up at the building.  "This is our destination."

"Kinda public isn't it?"

Shino didn't respond, instead he took out a key and walked up to the door.  "The boy stays out here.  The invitation is expressly for you.  He may accompany the mission party back to Suna."

Key?  "You locked the hospital?"

"It was necessary for public safety.  We had a small incident and had to have it contained."

"Incident?" Kankuro looked behind him to Junji who gave him a small nod and sat on the steps to the place.

Shino said nothing and opened the hospital door.  There was an odd smell.  It wasn't unpleasant, just... off.  Unrecognizable.  He followed the man in front of him inside.  The smell grew stronger the moment the door was slammed behind him.  He flinched at the sound and looked around him.  To say the place was in disarray was an understatement.  The nurses were either screaming at each other, ripping up papers, sleeping or painting the walls with things he didn't want to know.  "What the hell?"

"I said before there was an incident which needed to be contained."

The brown haired man who attacked him appeared at the end of the lobby.  "All buzzed in." He gave a wide toothy smile and motioned them forward.

"I don't understand why they let you move around here freely." Shino pushed past the guy.

"Damage was done, so who cares?" He looked to Kankuro, his grin turned to something more sinister.  His brows lowered, one corner of his lips twitched further upward.  "Hello there, puppet boy.  Look much prettier without all the garb now don't you?"

Kankuro froze.  He knew that look.  It was one Gaara would get when he locked sight on his prey.  One he rarely seen anymore, but the memory was still ingrained in him.  "Who are you?" He fought the urge to step back.

Before he could react the brown haired man was in front of him, grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward.  "Does it really matter?"

The oddly pleasant smell was intense from the man's breath.  His mind went fuzzy, there was a buzzing noise in his ears.  He fought away the feeling.

"Do you like to play, puppet boy?"

The smell grew stronger yet.  His knees began to buckle, his mind completely fogged and he grabbed onto the warm body in front of him.  Where was he again?  Who was this person he was holding onto?  He smelled amazing, delicious.  He felt a warm hand intrude in his shirt and a shockwave of pleasure shot down his spine.  He gasped, more of that warm honey like smell invaded his senses.  Amazing.

Then his adonis was jerked away from him, he whimpered in the loss of him.  He needed his adonis, his beautiful- a small inhaler was pressed to his lips, fingers on his nose and he was forced to breathe through the contraption.

He groaned and grabbed at his head as the world came crashing back to him.  What the hell?  His head pounded and he gasped for breath.

"Can't you behave?"

There was a small laugh, "But what fun would that be?"

Kankuro glared at the man in front of him.  "What the hell did you do to me?"

"I just wanted to know what it would feel like to have such a strong, beautiful man make lo-"

" _Gaaruto."_ Shino hissed the word out and the man looked crest fallen.

"Oh come _on_ , I never get to have any fun.  Now I can't even screw Gaara's husky big brother.  Life isn't fair for me."

Shino groaned and moved further down the hall.  "We don't have time for this, idiot."

"Well, you know my name now.  Might as well drop the disguise." He held his hand to his chest, two fingers up and the henge he wore faded away.

Kankuro felt sick.  The man looked just like Gaara.  Sort of like Gaara.  His face looked like Gaara, but he was taller, more jovial and muscular than Gaara.  Definitely _not_ Gaara, but screwing the guy would have been a disgusting thing.  "The hell."

He laughed and began the same direction Shino had just gone.  "I'm a siren.  I can make people lose their inhibitions, which I highly enjoy.  Is this not more fun than the boring life you people lead full of war and fighting?"  He pushed open a door just enough so the sounds of people in the throes of love could be heard.  "Is this not better than killing?"

For the first time in years, Kankuro felt his face heat up.  This guy was seriously weird.

*                 *                 *

By the time they arrived to their destination Kankuro found out he had nothing on the guy leading their way down the halls as far as conquests went.  This guy was raunchy and as Shino mentioned before - demented.   The people around him held up their arms, all of them with a similar marking to what Baki showed him.  More confusion.  "Seriously guys, what the hell is going on?  If this is all some fucking practical joke, it isn't freaking funny."

"If you have an issue with how things are being handled, complain to your messed up friend over there.  This is all his fault." The voice came from the sixth Hokage, the _acting_ Hokage, Kakashi Hatake.  How did he not notice him there earlier?  He pointed back to the red haired siren who he nearly did something regrettable with, had Shino not stopped them.  He reminded himself to thank the guy later.

"Kankuro." The bored sounding voice of his brother in law stopped any further questions he had.  "Glad you finally made it."

"What is-"

"Can't." He held up his arm and pointed at the mark there.  "I talk, I lose my memory, would prefer not to.  This is all such a damn drag."

Before any of them could say anything else the wall behind them slid open.  Kankuro stared, mouth agape at who stood there.  Naruto Uzumaki.  He looked like death warmed over, sickly pale, hunched over and sweating profusely.  Yet, he could tell for a fact the person was Naruto.

"Hey." His voice was weak sounding, tired.  "What is going on?  Who are you people?  Why is there a woman who looks like Gaara's sister sleeping on me?" The rush of questions were hard to make out, but Kankuro was able to piece together the fact his sister was sleeping on Naruto.  Confused.  He was just as confused as the blonde haired man in the doorway looked.

"Naruto?" Kankuro had no idea what was going on.  He was in some sort of waiting room with some of the top ninjas of Konoha who wouldn't say a word about what was going on.  There was a weird replica of his insane baby brother who tried to seduce him.  Now he was staring at a dead man who had slept with said insane baby brother.  He wanted to go back to bed, and forget this day had ever happened.

Naruto blinked at his name and stared at him.  "Who are you?"

There was a groan.  " _Stop_ making clones! You will kill us, you damn bastard."  He tossed a kunai, and Naruto disappeared in a puff of smoke.  "You make a damn good impression of a fish." He turned to Kankuro, grabbed his arm and he felt a deep burning sensation. 

Kankuro tried yanking away his arm but to no avail.  He hissed as the heat intensified then, as quickly as it began, the burning stopped. 

The red haired man fell to his knee and fought to catch his breath.  "Dang, been doing this too much."

Kankuro looked down to his arm and noticed he had the same mark the others had.  He pointed at it "Now will someone please tell me what in the damned fuck is going on?"

The few people in the room exchanged looks and Kakashi flipped a page of the current book he was reading.  "Sakura, go take him to his sister.  The sooner you all leave, the better my life will be."

"Yes sir." She stood and went to the open wall where the clone entered the room.  "Come with me." She motioned for Kankuro to follow.

He sighed and did as she wanted.  He wanted to know what was going on, wanted to know what everyone seemed so nervous about.  He waited for the wall to close and he grabbed the woman's arm.  He owed this person his life, but he was sick of this. 

She twirled around to face him, her eyes set in a glare.  "These past few days have been hard and exhausting, Kankuro."  She held up and pointed at her own seal.  "This seal allows you to speak to those with the seal about Naruto.  Speak to anyone else, you will lose your memory for months.  I can tell you what is going on." She sighed.  "I won't.  I am tired.  I am frustrated."  She turned from him and headed down the hall. 

He followed closely in silence, listening intently, watching her face as she spoke.

"My best friend is dying and there is nothing I can do about it.  That idiot you met, the one that looks sort of like Gaara, is in charge.  He has come up with a way that might save him."  Tears filled her eyes as she spoke.  "So not only have I had to deal with Naruto and my husband not talking to me because of a dumb thing I said but I have to deal with a hospital full of patients who need care without any doctors or nurses because that idiot is a walking talking nympho who seems to have a contagious attitude.  So before you say anything, it is better for you to see what's going on instead of me telling you."  She stopped at a door and took a deep breath.  She looked to Kankuro, a small frown on her lips.  "I..." She trailed off, gripped the handle of the door and pulled it open.  She stood out of the way to allow him entrance.

Kankuro clenched his jaw and went inside, unprepared for what he would see.  The room was bare but for a bed in the center.  There, he could see his sister, half laying on the person in the bed.  He drew nearer the bed.  Slowly.  He forced his feet to move.  Machines were attached to the person there, an IV, there were tubes that went into the persons mouth, breathing for them.  Heart monitors and other contraptions.  This person was in intensive care, but alive.  The steady beat of the monitor ensured that. 

He looked at the person attached to the support system, only to confirm his belief in who was there.  Short, spiky blonde hair, three lines on both cheeks beneath the tubes which went into his nose and mouth.  His?  He looked different.  Kinda like a girl.  But that was stupid.  This was Naruto Uzumaki, wasn't it?  His skin was almost purple, littered with deep bruises, browns and near greens mixed in with the disgusting color.  It looked as though he had a tumor on his stomach.  He felt sick.  This was better than dead, but it was still bad.  Gaara was going to flip.  Spend the entire budget for the city on trying to fix him.

He reached out a hand and hovered it over him.  The monitor sped up as he neared and he pulled his hand away.  He looked to Sakura, unsure of when she had joined him in the room.  His question was on his face.  _What was going on_?

Sakura grabbed the chair next to the bed and patted it.  "Sit down."

Temari gave a small murmur and sat up.  "Kankuro, you're here."

He lowered himself into the chair.  "Temari..." He trailed off. 

She smiled at him.  "Sakura, I can handle it from here.  Thank you."

Sakura nodded.  "Let us know when Naruto stabilizes after-"

"I will." She looked to her then.  "Kankuro deserves to know what is going on fully.  I'd prefer to tell him alone."

Sakura frowned, but turned and left without another word.

Temari sighed when the door closed.

"Temari."

"Hold Naruto's hand, Kankuro.  We need to get started, then I will tell you everything."

He scoffed, but did as she asked.  He nearly let go when a deep moan came from him, his back arched and the monitor sped up.

"Don't let go.  Give him some of your chakra.  He will relax soon, _please_."

He hesitated, then pooled his chakra in his hand, transferring it to the person he was holding onto.  He wasn't sure how it would help, but Temari looked serious.  He wasn't about to go against her. 

 _Beep beep beep beep beep beep._   The monitor continued to speed up.  "Temari..."

"Not yet."

_Beep beep beep beep beep.  Beep.  Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

The monitor came back down to normal, his breaths steadied and he stilled.  Temari let out a breath.  "Thank goodness."  She moved her other hand to the lump in Naruto's stomach.  "Still ok."

"What in the hell is going on?"

She looked up to him.  "Naruto only stabilizes with our chakra." She paused then continued, "He made a wish that backfired on him."

"Temari, don't get me wrong, but can't anybody just tell me what in the hell this has to do with us?  I know they have somebody picked out to be a wife for Gaara, and the peace treaty might be in danger with him in this condition, but why us?"

His question was followed by silence.  A long, uncomfortable silence.  "Naruto doesn't want to force Gaara's hand.  Gaara would bend the rules just for Naruto.  We can't take that chance, we can't... Gaara could be happy, Kankuro.  For once in his life, truly be happy."

"Damn it Temari, you aren't making any sense."

"Naruto is pregnant, Kankuro."

He stared at her.  "Huh?" He couldn't have heard that right.

She sighed.  "I know it's a lot to take in.  Naruto could be dying.  He is turning into a woman, a pregnant woman.  Think about who he just had an affair with, Kankuro."

He jerked his head to the bulge in Naruto's stomach.  Not a tumor.  Pregnant.  "How?"

"A wish.  Because we're related to Gaara, it helps stabilize him."  She gripped the hand she held tighter.  "He fell for Gaara.  Kankuro, of all people, _Naruto_ fell for Gaara."

A heavy weight fell Kankuro's chest.  "Gaara's _him_."  His mouth was dry.  Gaara was about to be a father.  Maybe.  If Naruto lived.  "Do they think Gaara will be able to-"

"They think it is his only chance."

He nodded.

"Gaara can't know what is going on.  We need to get them married before either of them can stop it.  We need to get him to Suna under the guise of a woman.  Konoha believes he is dead.  It is the only way we can properly transfer him there."

"He won't be able to return."

Silence.  "Gaaruto calls it Operation Dupe the Kages.  Marry them without their knowledge."

"He won't be happy about it."

"I know."

He stared at the hand he was holding.  He was going to be an uncle.  It sounded crazy.  Blood uncle to a child from his crazed baby brother.  He was going to freak when he found out.  "Sakura."  He called out her name, the door opened quickly.  He felt her chakra there, hovering just beyond the door.  "Have them send another letter to Suna.  Tell them I approve of Konoha's choice in wife for Gaara."

"Alright... Thank you." The last words were soft.  The door clicked shut behind her.

He sighed.  "Operation dupe the Kages huh?"  He shook his head.  What a fine mess this was.

A mess he was thoroughly tied to now.

"Welcome to the inner circle of crazy."

He hummed in response.  He wasn't sure what to make of all this, but he knew it was something that needed to be done.

Anything to ensure the Uzumaki would live.

Gaara would expect nothing less.


	45. Bonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few more chapters left before the end of part one... So excited!  Thank you for the reviews!  They do serve to inspire me and push me to continue to write as fast as I can to get more out to you guys.  I am finally away from the chapters that will be told from outside perspectives (yay!) While I love Gaaruto and his zaniness I am relieved to get the story centered back around our main couple now that all the extra explaining is done.
> 
> Moonprincess, I forgot to answer your question for Naruto - hasn't he been through enough?  Probably, but I am mean, so no he hasn't. mwahahahaha! *cough*
> 
> JJ- Yes, I am excited for the sequel and future one-shots that explore the 'beyond' area of their life.  I think they both will be interesting parents when they decide to take on a more 'hands on' approach.  I know I've read a lot of books and fictions where they just leave it hang with the assumption of 'happily ever after' or some such rot without ever knowing what happens beyond the moment, but I like when even moving forwards in another book in the same world you can have a glimpse of what happened to them.  (If you like Anne McCaffrey, the dragonsinger trilogy was a perfect example of this)
> 
> Also, I officially have decided to bring this fic into Inak once finished.  I've decided on alternate Gaara's name- Jaena.  (From the Inakian phrase 'Jaez ne Usna' which translates as 'hush my raging beauty' a windtalker's phrase for calming the wind.  I'm still thinking on Naruto's name so it will fit him in the new setting, but I have time.  I will be giving them a cameo in one of the coming episodes of Inheritants though, so if you read both, keep your eye out, though it will be a while before they get to Inak. 
> 
> Anyway, reviews always inspire!  I hope you enjoy.  (I decided not to edit this, might go back later and get through it, but for now I am wanting to just move on...)

 

** Gaara **

"Father, I don't like her.  Can't you send her away?  She creeps me out."

I looked up at my son who had taken to hovering over my shoulder ever since he realized I was at home.  I set my pen down and tilted my head at the boy.  Yes, I wanted the annoying woman to go away, but I had already conceited I would have no such luck at ridding myself of her until my new unfortunate bride arrived.  I sighed.  _Bride_.

I really did not want one.  "She will leave once your uncle arrives with the woman."

He huffed. "I still don't like this." He gracelessly fell into the chair across from me.

I sighed.  "I know."  He had not made his opinion on my forced marriage a secret.

"I can't believe Uncle Kankuro would approve of this.  Father, why would he-"

"Shinki, he must have had his reasons.  We should trust in his judgement."

"But-"

I cut him off with a deep glare.  I was not in the mood.  I was not beyond shutting up my son with my sand.  I was irritated at best.  Tired.  Annoyed.  Petrified.  I had spent the past few days burying myself in work, doing my best to ignore every living thing around me so as not to lose my temper.  I did not want kill some random person out of frustration, it would undo years of work.  I couldn't stand the secrecy anymore.  With every new day that passed my irritation grew.

I returned to my work.  I was grateful for Shinki, I was, truly I was.  However, with my uncertainty over Naruto's well being, I was not in the mood.

"Do you think they will make me marry someone I don't want to when the time comes?"

I sighed and put my pen back down.  Obviously I was not meant to distract myself.  I locked myself in my office at the Kazekage tower to avoid Naruto's wife, but it left me open to my son.  I could lock the door, but he was adept at using his iron sand.  Maybe I trained him too well.  I regarded him a moment.   His shoulders were hunched forward, his eyes were downcast.  His face was blank beyond this, he was neither smiling nor unsmiling.  Was this something that bothered him?  "You worry you will be forced into an arranged marriage by becoming Kazekage?"

His eyes widened slightly then gave a quick, single nod of his head.  "Is it wrong of me?"

"No."  I gathered my paperwork together and moved it aside.  I should spend more time with my son.  It was important.  He needed advice and I had to be the one to give it since Kankuro was out ruining my life.  I brought my arms up to my desk and clasped my hands together.  "I hope that my own marriage will solidify our peace.  You will likely have more choice in the matter."

"Why wouldn't they give you more of a choice?  You said before they tried to arrange a marriage for you."

I looked away from him.  "I... I am not exactly like most men, Shinki.  I never had the desire to marry."

He huffed.  "You're lying."

I jerked my head back to him, my confusion written on my face.  He was one of the few I allowed inside my barriers.  "I do not lie."

"I've seen the way you watch the wedding marches, you can't say you don't get excited about the prospect." He smirked at me.

The little bastard, when had he seen that? 

"I came to ask you something a couple years ago, I don't remember what I wanted at the time, but when I came in you didn't notice me.  You were standing on the balcony watching something on the street.  You were smiling, Father.  I remember it because I seen you smile."  He leaned back and sighed.  "I went downstairs to see what you were looking at.  I didn't want to disturb you when you were like that.  It's rare, when Uncle Naruto isn't around, to see you smile like that."

 _Naruto_.  I felt a pain in my chest and my hand ghosted over my heart before I could stop the movement.  I forced my hand back down to the desk and felt a tightness between my eyes.  I stared at my hands.  Long pale fingers, carefully groomed nails.  These hands had touched him.  Almost touched him.  Would I ever have the chance to remove that sand and touch him with my skin?  Could I?  Could I truly touch him, if he were alive, if he-

Fingers rubbed the tight spot between my brows.  "Hey, don't worry about it, Father.  She said to have hope didn't she?"

My breath caught in my throat and I shot my hand up and grabbed a hold of Shinki's wrist.  I stood and pulled the boy to me.  I wrapped my arms around him, crushing his smaller frame to mine.  Hug.  It was still a newer concept to me, one I never employed before the past few months.  It was something I found myself craving more and more of the action.

"Father?" He stiffened in my arms.  This was something new to him as well, the only other time I willingly held him was when he was four which was only because he was small and crying.  I didn't know what to do with him at the time since Kankuro was out doing whatever he was doing.  I may have been more freaked out than the boy when it happened.  I never did it again until I jumped out the window with him just a few short days before.

Then this.  I followed what Naruto taught me, pressed my fingers into his back and lowered my head to his shoulder.  He was getting taller.  How much longer before my son would be a man?  I didn't want him to grow up.  I wanted him to stay small, idealistic.  _Innocent_.  He deserved his innocence for as long as I could give it to him.  There were no reports yet of his actions causing death.  I succeeded in that respect as a father.  I at least was able to do that for him.  "Thank you, Shinki."

Hands came to my back, returning my embrace.  "For what?" His voice was soft, wavering.

I knew my actions would confuse him.  I just needed the contact.  I needed assurance.  I needed... "For being my son."

He let out a shaky breath and his hands tightened around me, his face buried in my shoulder.

I allowed us to stay that way for minutes, our hug conveyed years of frustration and emotion.  This young boy meant more to me than I cared admit sometimes.  I was afraid I would accidentally push him away, lose his respect for me.  If he knew the full extent of me, if he knew more of my tainted past I knew he would never see me the same way.  I pulled away from him, his arms dropped to his side and he looked away from me.

I could see his eyes glisten with unshed tears.  I frowned, brought my hand to his face and touched the corner of his eye.  The sand drew the moisture in, the warm liquid lingered on my finger as I looked down at it.  "Have I done something wrong?"

He brought his arm up to his face, smudging his makeup in the process of removing the wetness from his eyes.  He laughed.  "No, you didn't."

I tilted my head.  Why was he crying then?  "Why...?" I let the question hang.  I disliked not understanding human behavior at times.  Especially when the questionable behavior came from my own son.  I looked at my tear soaked finger.  I didn't understand.

He twirled on the ball of his foot to face away from me and crossed his arms.  He cleared his throat.  "Come home with me.  I don't like being alone with her, but she is a really good cook, so..." He trailed off and looked over his shoulder, every indication of his tears gone from his eyes.

I looked to my desk.  I wanted to bury myself, distract myself from what might be occurring.  Keep my mind occupied so it wouldn't wander.  I clenched my jaw.  I made progress with Shinki.  Only took me ten years, but I made progress.  I wasn't going to end that progress just because I was stubborn.  I sighed.  Seeing Hinata would only remind me of who she's married to.  It was half the reason I barricaded myself in my more public office in the first place.  At least my staff knew well enough to leave me alone when I was in a foul mood.  "I'll go."

"Really?" He stiffened then started undoing the locks on the door.  "Come on then."

It amused me he thought he would be able to easily unlock my door.  There were more locks in the door than were visible.  "Move aside."

He looked over his shoulder then scooted away from the door.  I flicked my wrist and my sand shot forward from near the desk where I left my gourd.  I encased the door with it, felt for all the corners, the small crevices just beyond those corners.  Well hidden, impossible to see, no access from the outside.  My sand filled the crevices inside the door, all eighteen of them.  It was a bit of an overkill, possibly, but I liked a guarantee on my privacy.  Shinki wouldn't have been here had I thought about locking my window.

Then, if I seen him hovering outside my window I'd have let him in.  I did have a soft spot for the precocious child.  The scraping of the locks being undone filled the room.   I moved from the smaller ones, to the larger ones until there was a final loud sounding clack.  I pulled my sand back to me and the door swung open.  I quirked my lip at him and walked through.  He was always jealous at the ease I used my sand, though I believe that there will be a day he'll have the ability to match me.  He had the determination, the passion.  I knew he cared for the people we governed, he had on multiple occasions jumped headfirst into a fight just to help protect others.  Sometimes with opponents that were far beyond his abilities.  It was this fact which bothered me the most.

I pushed myself further ahead, ignoring the looks of passerby employees and random council members.  I was tired of worrying, adding the well-being of my son was something I did not want to do.  It was a worry for another time.  He was home.  I was going home with him to convince Naruto's wife to make us food. 

Safe.  For now he would be safe.  I forced away me concern for his overzealous behavior and moved through the building without thought.  I half lived in this place.  I stayed in the building more than any other member of the council due to my lack of any kind of sleep schedule.  I made my way through the building as quickly as I could.  I kept my head down the entire way and thankfully everyone that passed by me did not try to question or stop me.  I turned onto the street once I was outside and continued with my 'make no contact' mission.  I was grateful my house was not far from my outside office and headed inside.  I heard footsteps follow me in and knew Shinki was behind me so I did not bother to close the door.  I eyed the stairs with disdain.  Stairs.  I hated them.  The first floor was a gathering room, a small area with two couches, a chair and a coffee table.  I hated the room.  It was an original to the house, a room my father spent much time in with my siblings.  A room I was never welcome in.  It brought back memories I disliked and I moved past it without hesitation.

The second floor was the kitchen which was still in slight disrepair since my incident with Kankuro.  He started the repairs, but was called away to Konoha before he could finish the job.  I pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.  I frowned at the patchwork.  _I would see him soon._   It was a phrase she told me when she convinced me to stay.  I hoped it were true.  I needed to see him.

"I'll go get her.  I'm sure she'll make us lunch, ok?"

I didn't look away from the counter as he spoke.  I folded my hands on the table in front of me and gave a curt nod.  Soon I was left in silence and my troublesome thoughts.  _Naruto._   I wish I could stop worrying about him.  Stop thinking about him.  Stop fantasizing about him.  Stop wanting him.  Stop my body from reacting to that want.

I sighed.  It was no use.  Every free moment my mind had it wandered back to him.  The silence was deafening.  I wanted his voice to fill the silence, his bright smile to light the room, his...  My heart sped up and my breath left me.  I stared at the carved dot in the center of the table.  Clear my mind.  I needed to clear my mind.  I focused my breath through my nose.  Breathe in, breathe out, calm down.  Feel the sand around me, it was everywhere.  I was safe here, everything would be fine.

But Naruto might not be, and what use was it if I were fine if he wasn't?  This wasn't helping.  I moved my eyes from the dot in front of me and looked at the cupboards.  I needed to do something.  Anything.  Clear my mind.  I needed to...

I raised my arm and moved my sand to the cupboards.  I opened them one by one to reveal their contents.  Plates were in the cupboard next to the refrigerator, cups and glasses next to that, bowls next to the sink.  That didn't seem right.  I used the sand to remove the contents of all the cupboards onto the counters and table.  I needed to fix it.  Rearrange.  Be occupied.  I sorted everything out.  Large plates under small plates, dessert plates on top of those.  I followed the process with the bowls, then stacked the glasses the same way, the smaller glasses nestled inside the larger ones to conserve space.

I stopped when I heard a deep groan from the doorway.  I carefully set the glassware I was tidying and looked to the culprit of the annoyed sound.  Shinki was frowning at me, his arms crossed.  Hinata, also frowning, stood behind him.

"Is everything alright, Lord Gaara?" Her soft voice was barely audible, her eyes seemed concerned.

"No."  I left my answer simple.  I had no desire to explain further, the one word enough to convey what I felt.  I turned back to my project and took care of my mess.  She couldn't very well cook if everything was out on the counter top.

A warmth touched my shoulder and I jerked away from it.  I glared at the culprit, namely the black haired intruder in my life.  "What would you like to eat?"

"Stew." The word escaped me before I could stop it.  My eyes widened, was I honestly going to ask this woman for the meal she fixed for me just before I betrayed her?

"Alright.  Will you take me to get the ingredients?  I am not familiar with the stores here."

I stared at her.  "Why?"

She looked away from me, then to my son.  She sighed.  "Because this is all my fault.  I owe you more than dinner."  Without an explanation she pushed past me and down the stairs to the main floor.

Both my son and I stared after her.  "Hey Father, what did she mean by that?"

I shifted my eyes to him.  "I do not know."  I followed her, unsure about her confession.  What was all her fault exactly?  I would have to ask her to elaborate once my son was not tagging along.  I frowned and headed after her, through my entertaining room and out the door.  I froze.  Ingredients.  Where did those come from?

She looked at me expectantly, a smile played at her lips, her earlier words forgotten.

I remembered though.  I would force her to tell me what she meant.  I narrowed my eyes.  "This conversation will be continued."

Her smile faltered.  "Of course."  She looked up at me.  "Where is your market?"

I stared at her.  "Market?"

She stared back in silence.  "Where you get groceries?"

I continued to stare at her.  I had no idea.  I never went shopping myself.  I always used runners to do my shopping, even when I was younger.  Before I mellowed I would have to give a drop off zone and promise not to be there when they came.  I lied a few times to use the runners as a means to fulfill my blood lust.  I did go to a small shop once, but everyone ran out of the place the moment I entered.  I just grabbed everything I needed at the time and never went back.

I think I still owed that shopkeeper money for the things I took back then.  Then again, I might have killed him later on so I wasn't sure I _could_ pay my debt.  Maybe I would look up the shop and see what happened.  Maybe I didn't kill him, or he left behind family I could pay off.

There was a groan beside me.  "Follow me."  I looked over to my son who was headed down the street ahead of us.  "Too bad you're not from around here, you'll have to deal with the heat."

She jogged to catch up to him and I gathered sand beneath my feet and used it to jump me ahead.  I gently set myself to the ground and walked next to my son and the woman I wanted to go away.  After she fed me.  While it was uncomfortable to have her making the meal I associated with her husband and our odd tryst, I found myself looking forward to the delicious stew.  Her cooking skills were on par with my own, at least it seemed likely.  The few things I had tasted of her kitchen prowess pointed to the conclusion she might even surpass my skills.  I would have to watch her make the stew.  I never did get the recipe I asked for, but I knew the situation that came from my time with Naruto was distracting for him.

I hoped it was distracting for him.  It seemed likely with the way he acted around me ever since.  I had been massively distracted by it. 

"You must forgive Father, he separates himself from the day to day stuff.  He rarely goes anywhere without my uncle, and he uses delivery services for household items.  I'm not sure he has ever been shopping."  He looked up to me, a small frown on his face.  "Have you?"

I looked away from him to where I was walking.  I was just thinking of this.  I robbed a place once because everyone left because they were afraid of me.  I couldn't say that though.  "No."  He didn't need to know how bad my past was.  The whispered rumors were bad enough to control, he didn't need to have confirmation on my past indiscretions.  My need to kill.  The fact I acted on that thousands of times before I was even a teenager.  I shifted my eyes back to my companions without moving my head.

"See?  He wouldn't even know where to go for them." He ended the sentence in a hearty laugh.

"I see." She smiled down at him then looked at me.  A frown replaced the smile and she quickly looked away.  She took a deep breath and her smile returned.

We walked the rest of the way to the market in awkward silence, Shinki seeming to be unfazed by us.  The market was large, bustling with people.  I froze outside the doors.  Civilians.  People I didn't know.  People who could be afraid of me.  I knew I was more accepted since becoming the Kazekage, my people proving their support of me time and again. 

But the hesitation remained.  I would still receive a random glare, a scathing look.  Thousands.  I had killed thousands of my people before I was 'fixed'.  Many people knew this, many people were affected by my actions back then.  Many people still had people in their families forever gone with just the idea they had been crushed into unrecognizable sand granules.  I would catch some watching my sand with tears, wondering what grain might be apart of their lost loved one.  It had been years since the particular accusation had been screamed at me.  I was in my twenties when it happened, not long before I adopted Shinki.  A woman threw a pot of boiling water at me.  I was able to stop it easily with my sand, but in hindsight I wished it had burned me.  I deserved it.   _Which one?  Which grain of your damned sand is he?  You can fool everyone else, but I know.  I know what you did, you bastard!  He was only ten,_ ten. _There will never be justice, there will never be-_

"Lord Gaara?"

I blinked myself out of the memory and looked down to Hinata.  "I shouldn't go in."  I could already see a few people stop and point in my direction.  Whispers.  Talking.  Accusations.  Hatred.  I should stay away.  Protect them from a distance.  Allow them the peace of forgetting my existence.  I took a step back.  _Run._   Separate myself, stay away.

"It won't be bad, I promise."  She grabbed my wrist.

"Father?" Shinki paused at the door, one hand on the handle.

I ignored him, my focus on the burning touch to my wrist and I pulled it away from her.  "Stop touching me." I hissed the words at her, narrowing my eyes.  I took another step back.

She sighed and looked to the ground.  "You really are just like him, you know."

I furrowed my brow at her statement.

"Go ahead, we will get what I need for the stew.  I won't force you to come inside."  She gave a large warm smile.

She was letting me go.  I breathed out a sigh of relief.  I wouldn't have to face them.  I wouldn't have to endure the stares, the silent accusations, the hate and the admiration.  I looked to my frowning son who watched me silently from the door.  "I'm sorry."  I turned without further explanation, leaving them.  Leaving the people of Suna.  The people I had once harmed with all intent in my naive youth.

I somehow found myself in my room.  I didn't even remember coming home I was so distracted by what happened.  Would this be how I would always be?  Would I always be afraid of my own people no matter how much they proved to me how much they supported me?  I crumpled into my desk chair and buried my head in my hands.  She knew.  She compared me to _him_.

When she returned, after she made me dinner, we would have to talk.

It was something I was dreading. 

Because it's her fault.  I had forgotten about our conversation when she convinced me to stay in Suna.  Her fault.  She paid someone for something.

Had she been referring to what happened to me?  Our conversation from then was fuzzy in my mind, but I remembered the sting of her slap through my sand armor.

My stomach twisted.  We had avoided speaking more on the subject since.  I had calmed more, and I needed more clarification.  I could wait.  Wait until after they returned, after she cooked, after we ate her delicious meal.

Then...

Then I would force myself to face the woman who held Naruto's heart.


	46. Foiled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost a couple of followers today.  After about an hour of mourning the loss of numbers and the initial reaction of 'but its supposed to go the other way' I buckled down and wrote out the next chapter.  Hey,  5200 words today!  Since it is only 10, I might be able to surpass my record of 7000 words in a single day :D  *fingers crossed*
> 
> Well, this is finally getting closer to the end!   This chapter was super fun for me to write, so I hope you all like it.  I think there are about 3(ish) chapters left before I move on to part 2.  This thing is already the length of 2 full fledged novels so it is time to do it lol.
> 
> JJ- Anne McCaffrey is actually one of my main inspirations as a writer.  Pern is one of my favorite fantasy worlds, probably because of dragons lol.  Also, Terry Brooks, Piers Anthony and Tim Burton are influences in my work.  There are a few other books in my repertoire as inspirations towards me pursuing being a writer myself.
> 
> As always, reviews serve to inspire ^-^

 

 

** Gaara **

I wandered down the stairs once I heard the faint sounds of laughter and pots clanging.  I felt numb, I showed one of my major weaknesses to not only Naruto's wife Hinata, but to my own son.  The one person I wanted to look up to me, see me for more than I was.  To him I had always been the fearless leader, the protector of his people, strong and noble.  An example to live up to.  I tried not to share my insecurities, my fears, my horrible desires which led me to becoming a serial killer in my youth.  I hadn't shielded him fully from my worse traits, he had seen me kill before.  It had been in the heat of battle, warranted.  He had never seen me kill for the joy of it, seen the way I oozed the blood out of my victims, laughed at them as they fought helplessly against me as I slowly crushed the life from their pathetic bodies.

I blinked.  No, bad train of thought.  My hand twitched at my side as I watched the woman flit about my kitchen.  Secrets.  More and more secrets.  I hated them.  All of them connected to Naruto in some way.  This fact annoyed me more than the possible secrets themselves.  I watched as she pulled a knife and began cutting up the meats she gathered at the market. 

How hard would it be to kill her?  Would she be able to deflect me and flee before I had the chance to fully remove the breath from her body?  She grabbed the next meat and began to carve and clean it while I stood in the doorway contemplating her murder.  I wondered if I were to pull my sand from beneath her and from the top I could catch her off guard.  I could encase her in the sand, smother her, make her beg for her life.  It wouldn't take much to snuff out her existence.  I would have to be methodical, silent.

She was, after all, Naruto's precious wife.  She stood in my way though.  She kept secrets from me.  She had done something she felt guilty about concerning Naruto.  She had kept Naruto to herself for far too long.

What was I thinking anyway?  I couldn't kill her.  Naruto would know, he would hate me for it.  I wouldn't be able to take that, losing what little respect I had left.  As long as Naruto was still ok, if he were alive.  Hope.  Keep hope.  I sighed and sat down at the table and half listened to the chatter between my son and Hinata.  Not so much the words they spoke to each other, but the inflections in each of their voices.  Jovial, happy, argumentative.  I frowned at the sight.  Since when did Shinki get along with her?

Would having a wife be like this?  Her and my son joking around over dinner preparations and mundane things and going over their days?  Would it be something I could join in on?  Would I be welcome in this sort of interaction?  Could I pull it off?  Would I ever be comfortable with the woman they were sending me enough to even try?  What would happen once Shinki was old enough I was stuck alone with her?  Would Kankuro leave me to fend for myself?

I hoped Naruto liked her.  I was sure the woman was from Konoha, so Naruto would at least know a little bit about her if they found her worthy enough to qualify for marriage to a Kage.  If Naruto approved of her, I would go through with it no matter my opinion on the situation.  Hinata said I would see him soon.  I could possibly hold off the wedding until I seen him and asked his thoughts on the matter.  I wanted his personal opinion on the woman being sent to me as part of the redone peace treaty.

I had too much on my mind.  I should have stayed in my office and continued to work.  This was all too tiring for me.  I stood up and headed to the counter where they prepped my stew.  "Could I help?"

Hinata looked up to me and smiled.  "Well, yes of course."  She handed me an onion, a bag of mushrooms and carrots.  "Will you dice the onions, rough chop the mushrooms and julienne the carrots?"  Her eyes widened as I scooted the items towards myself.  "Wait, do you know how to-"

"Yes."  My answer was blunt and low.  It annoyed me when people assumed I was completely inept at daily life because of my avoidance of public anything beyond the political standpoint.  I formed a cutting board from my sand, then fashioned a sharp knife from the substance as well.  I never found anything sharper than a single grain of sand so the method was more proficient than most.

Shinki laughed beside me.  "You have no idea how great of a chef he is.  He just doesn't do it often."

"Chef?" She lowered her own knife and watched me, her eyes wide with curiosity.  "Naruto never mentioned you could cook."

"He doesn't know."  A simple truth, a fact I never revealed to him in our many years.  It was unnecessary, pointless.  I twirled the knife in my hand, my expression carefully schooled into my usual expressionless manner.  Perhaps I would give the girl a show.  Let her know I could compete with her in this way.  I stopped and gripped the knife tightly in my hand.  Wait.  Was I jealous of her?  Why would I want to compete with her for anything?  I knew I was stronger than her, though she was of a good blood line and worthy of marrying a Kage.  She was strong, but I was stronger.

 _Jealousy_.  The emotion I associated to the knotting in my stomach every time I came into contact with this woman.  To the heaviness which would develop every time Naruto would smile at her.  It couldn't be.  What did I have to be jealous about?  He gave his heart to her, his life, his...

Well, maybe I did know what I was jealous about.  I didn't like the fact I was jealous, it was a feeling I suppressed for as long as I could remember.  I had contemplated my feelings before, but I pushed them aside when I heard of his pending marriage to the woman looking at me expectantly.  I twitched one side of my lips up and turned towards my task.  I wonder if I could show off a little.  Let her be jealous for once.  I could have simply used the sand to do my chopping for me like I used to when I was small.  Before boredom filled my nights between work and watching my siblings sleep.  I no longer had to fend for myself at the time, no longer had to hunt for my next kill in order to keep living.  Without the constant need to kill I found myself with a large deficit in time.  Stuck inside a house with nothing to do besides read, which I did until all the books available to me were read through, and cooking.

I taught myself how to prepare eggs in every fashion, how to boil, bake and simmer.  I learned the difference between the different style of cuts, the way to hold a knife in order to butcher a piece of meat without having to have it fully processed at the market first.

Now, my skills learned in my infinite boredom would come to use beyond bribing my siblings or son.  Now, to put on a show.  An A rank mission for myself to make the Hokage's wife jealous of _me_ for once.  I gave a half laugh before I suppressed the annoying thing and tossed up the onion.  I cradled the bulb with my sand and stripped it clean of it's skin, then cut it in half with my knife while it was still midair.  I dared a glance towards Hinata and noticed she was watching me intently.  Good.  Let her see.  Let her see I could be better than her at something she took pride in.  I set aside the half of the onion I would chop second and focused my attention on the other half which landed in the middle of my cutting board, cut side down. 

I twirled the knife in my hand again and leaned over my target.  With years of carefully practiced skill I descended the knife to the onion.  With quick succession I rocked the knife, making quick work of the dice.  I lifted up the cutting board, scraped it into the bowl next to me and followed the example with the previous half.  I was quick, precise.  Perfect.  Uniform pieces of onion which would cook in perfect uniformity and rate.  I changed out the sand on the cutting board and knife and moved on to the mushrooms.  These were easier.  A rough cut to make them more manageable but still leaving enough for the texture to resonate within the stew.  I brought the knife down upon them, creating rough nearly one inch cubes and placed them bac into the bag I had gotten them from.  Now for the real show.

The carrots.  Many used peelers for removing the outer edges of the carrots off, but I preferred the knife.  The cutting technique had taken me months of practice to master.  The thin slices required for peeling something with a thin skin was a rather difficult task.  I changed the shape of the knife I held, smaller, thinner, easier to maneuver.  I grasped the first carrot in my hand.  I would peel them first, then julienne them together at once in a final display of my power.

I held the carrot in front of me, the arm which held the knife I held my elbow out at precisely a ninety degree angle away from my body.  I angled the knife slightly down, just enough to catch the skin of the carrot in its sharp grip.  I proceeded with my show, concentrating on my task, thin slivers of outer carrot skin fell from the carrot to the floor beneath me.  I twisted the carrot in my hand slowly, working quickly but meticulously in order to make my audience gasp in awe at my skill.  There was a slight opening between my fingers for the knife to hit.  One slight misstep and the knife would miss the carrot and hit the sand covering my skin.  For any other person this technique would be a dangerous one to learn, but even with my mishaps, it was no big deal for me.  I was lucky to have my armor on at all times, protecting me from my more dangerous activities.  It only took me a few minutes to peel the carrots of their outer skin.

Now for my grand finale.  This step, I would go all out.  To achieve perfectly uniform slivers of carrot I would cut all the carrots at the same time.  I made six more cutting boards and hovered them in the air around me.  I bent over the original one in front of me on the counter, then made more knives which resembled the one in my hand.  I carefully moved each carrot to the center of the cutting boards and began to cut them.  The knives flashed in the air in perfect harmony, slicing, perfecting, julienning the carrots she gave me.  I finished julienning the carrots in unison, gathered the boards together and scooped all of them into the container she left on the counter.

I moved my attention away from my task and back to the woman I tasked myself with making jealous.  I was pleased to see the blush which arose on her face.  Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open.

"Amazing." She breathed the word and a warmth spread through me.  Success.  My self appointed mission was a full success.

"Show off."  Shinki's tone was much less impressed.  He was too used to my occasional shows of skill.

I frowned at him and returned to my seat at the table.  I didn't care if he was impressed, my goal was to impress her, and I think I accomplished this particular feat.  However, the display only made me more tired than I was before.  I had meant to watch how the stew was made since I liked it so much, but...

I sighed and pulled my sand to me.  Too tired.  I needed to rest.  I allowed my eyes to droop, allowed my breathing to shallow and steady in it's rhythm.  I would be safe here.  This woman was no threat to me.  I would be fine.  I watched as the sand began to swirl around me in thin wisps, allowing the sight of it lull me into my rest state.

*                 *                 *

I was brought out of my rest by the thick scent of stew and a disturbance in my sand.  I opened my eyes fully to see Shinki wiggling his fingers at the edge of my barrier with an irritated look on his face.  "Wake up already.  I've been fanning the steam your way for a while and it wasn't working."

I blinked myself to full consciousness and stood from the chair, pulling my wafting sand back to me and built it into my sand armor.  I stood next to Hinata who looked down with a small blush and began dishing up the stew.  She was blushing.  Was it because of me?  I furrowed my brows at her in confusion.  "You are blushing."  It was more of a question than a statement, but I did not know how to word what I wanted to say so left it as such.

Her eyes drifted up to me, then back down to the stew.  "I'm sorry."

Her apology only made my confusion grow.  She made no sense to me.  She handed me my serving of stew and I took it back to the table.  I didn't wait until they joined me to start eating.  I had not bothered with any sort of food since I heard my spies tell me Naruto had died.  There was a sharp pain in my stomach at the thought but pushed past the feeling.  I was hungry. I needed to talk to Naruto's wife who insisted there was hope and I would see him soon.

I needed to have something of substance in me to help ease my rising need to kill.  Especially since I would be having a difficult conversation with my most precious person's most precious person.  I snorted at the thought.  If I were to say the phrase aloud it would sound ridiculous, no matter how true the words were.

I ate a few more bites and frowned.  His most precious person.  Her.  Hinata.  I hated I could not be more important to him, we sometimes went years without contact and it bothered me.  I craved his presence, his light but I allowed myself to be deprived of such light just to give him his freedom.  I still could feel the jolt I felt when his marriage to the heiress was announced.  I never knew why it bothered me so much and pushed the thought aside.

With her here, going about her day as though she were completely at home here with me only brought the memory back.  Wife.  She was very much wife material.  She was kind, smart and a good cook.  I did not want to contemplate what else she might be good at.

It was a thought which always spiked my nerves.  The first time the thought occurred to me I had stayed with them so they could sleep in.  I never slept myself and had stupidly volunteered to watch their newborn son.  His presence, the reality of his existence, the fact they shared a room only forced the thought into my mind.  It hadn't been long after my experience with losing Hakuto and the explanation of how the little creatures were made.  My mind kept wandering back to them, the possibilities.  What if they decided to make another one while I was right there?

If I remembered right, I had taken to rearranging their entire household that night to distract myself.

And here I was, reminding myself they had _that_ sort of relationship again.  While I ate on the stew I had eaten just before I performed the same act with the man she must have done the same thing with at least twice prior.

It was delicious stew though.  The tongue and gizzards cooked perfectly tender, the aroma filled my nose, the taste lingered within my mouth.  I should have stayed awake to watch her make it.  "You will leave me the recipe." I had no right to demand anything from her, especially with my growing desire to steal her husband away from her tight hold on him.

She smiled at me.  "Alright."

My hand twitched a moment, then I returned to my stew, focusing only on the taste of it.  Keep my mind from wandering.  Keep myself from my constant flip flop between guilt, desire and worry.  My son and Hinata took back up their conversation, sounds left their lips in patterns, forming words left in the air which hung heavy around me.  I intentionally didn't bring their syllables together in my mind.  I didn't care what they talked about, I didn't care why they sat near me, I didn't care.

I didn't care.  I couldn't.  Instead, I focused on the rich broth of the stew.  The way the textures married together to form a cohesive collaboration of flavors, the way the mushrooms added a much needed texture which came between the softness of cooked vegetables.  The almost tough stew meat, the tongue and gizzard's texture laying perfectly between the other textures.  I ate slowly, savoring every bite.  I heard the tone of Shinki's voice turn sharp.  It grew, then there was the sound of a slamming door.  He was gone.  I heard the soft tones of Hinata's voice carry over, but I still was focused on my food.

The bowl moved away from me, forcing me out of my concentrated consumption of food.  I glared up at the owner of the hand which had made the errant maneuver.  "I wasn't done yet."

"You have been picking at the stew for over an hour, it must be cold."

I stared at her and she returned my stare.  She kept her hand on the bowl, as did I.  A battle of wills which I refused to lose.  "I would like it back."  I put as much of an edge in my voice as I could muster.  Allow it to lay as a threat.  I meant it as one.  I wasn't done.  I wanted my stew.  I didn't care if she were married to Naruto.  I didn't care if I felt as though I owed her something for violating her husband and having the odd desire to continue violating him.  I would fight her for that food.

To the death if need be.  I was sure Naruto would understand death by defense of food.  I had witnessed him fight for his food before.  I was amused at the time, but now I understood.  This stew was ambrosia, the perfect balance of savory flavors and I was not about to let it go.

She took my hint and let go of my bowl with a sigh.  I quickly ate the rest before she could repeat what she had done and tipped the bowl up so I could have every last drop of the delectable broth.

"You are as possessive of your food as Naruto is, you just eat a lot slower."

I moved the bowl back towards her.  "Another?"  I tried to soften my features as I asked.

She squeaked softly and grabbed the bowl, quickly refilling it.  She set it in front of me and I closed my eyes as the warm stew smell returned. 

"Thank you."

"Your son left."

I shrugged and picked out a piece of meat, letting it set on my tongue.

"I need to tell you what I have done."

I froze.  The conversation I knew must take place but had been avoiding was about to happen.  I had the impression she was avoiding it as much as I was.  I swallowed the piece of meat on my tongue and half choked on it.  I brought my hand up to my mouth and glared at her.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I wasn't sure I was ready.  I hadn't been able to write out the possibilities, figure out the correct way to respond to anything she could tell me.  I wanted time, time I didn't have.

She reached out to me.  "Are you alright?"

Why did people always ask that when it was obvious someone was choking? "No." The word sounded hoarse, even to me.  I swatted her hand away from me and cleared my throat.  I seen she still had an oddly worried look on her face and I groaned.  "I'm fine."  Maybe I could just crush her and avoid this conversation.

She retreated and sunk into the chair across from me.  She looked at the table and her hands went to her lap.  She took a deep breath.  "Naruto he..." She whimpered.  "I can't... wait..." She trailed off, her eyes closed.  "I paid someone to try and make him happy.  It backfired a little, I..." Her head fell forward to the point I could see none of her face.  "The affair, it was my fault.  I planted the idea in his head, I wanted him to get it out of his system."

I stared at her, the pieces of the puzzle coming together in my head.  I had convinced myself someone had attempted to kill us, but it would seem I was wrong.  "Get what out of his system?"  I felt sick.  It wasn't some enemy that tainted my relationship with the one person I admired most, it was his own damned wife. 

"You." Her voice wavered and I seen a drop of moisture hit the table beneath her head.

The sounds of metal being bent filled the room and I looked down at my hand.  The utensil I was holding completely bent in two and I set it down gently.  I moved my eyes to the dot in the center of the table.  Me?  Get _me_ out of his system?  "Explain."  I kept my eyes fixated on the dot.  Do not kill Hinata, do not kill her.  Naruto's wife, he would be mad at me for killing her.  She ruined it.  Ruined everything.  _Everything_.  Maybe I could just remove... _No_.  No hurting Hinata.  Breathe.  I could get through this.

"I am his wife, Lord Gaara.  I am supposed to have his love and devotion."  I looked back up to her as she spoke.  "I was supposed to be the one he smiled at, confided in.  But he always protects me.  Protects me from his own... His past."  She looked up to me, her eyes reddening and starting to swell with the tears she shed.

"I still don't understand."  I looked back down at the dot.  I had the desire to leave, I wasn't sure I was ready to hear what she was about to say.  I could barely deal with what happened between us, I wasn't even sure of my own feelings towards him fully.

"Gaara, look at me."

"I will harm you."

"Look at me."  She emphasized the words making the statement an order.

I forced my eyes back to her, her face stern, her lips thin.  "I watched him for years, how he looked at you, listened to his stories about the times he spent with you.  I know more about you than most people simply because he would never shut up about you.  Do you understand?  I knew how to get to your house because he never shut up about the one and only time you invited him over.  He told me the story every day for a month, Gaara."  She stood, her brows dipped down, an emotion I recognized as anger now showing on her face.

"Lady Hinata?"  I wasn't sure where she was going with this.  I was surprised he talked to such an extent about me with her, but it didn't mean anything.  I was sure I talked more about him to anyone who would listen.  It was a normal thing to do wasn't it?  Talk about your friends with your loved ones?

She groaned and pushed herself away from the table.  "You don't understand, I can see it.  I could be blunt, I dislike saying things that are so vulgar, but I don't know how else to make you understand."

"Vulgar?"  I felt my anger at her intrusion in my personal life with Naruto fading as the curiosity of her story took over.  I wanted to know.  Needed to know.  What did Naruto think of me beyond my knowledge, what did he tell his wife of me?  Why would she be so angry about it?

"I admit it, I've been jealous for years.  Ever since I found out about it.  I started to suspect it a few months after we were married.  He put your picture right next to ours.  The one of you both on our wedding day.  It always struck me as odd, but Naruto always looked up to you so I didn't say anything."

"I noticed that."  I remember the first time I seen it there on his wall, then I noticed when it was replaced by the one we took when he became Hokage.  I myself had the picture on the wall in my office, so I did not find the action too odd.  "However, I am not sure why you find this to be odd."

Her face turned a deep red and she looked away from me.  "The first time we... After Boruto was born, when we..." She buried her face in her hands.

My eyes widened.  She wasn't talking about _that_ was she?  Vulgar.  She said she would be vulgar, I hadn't realized how.  "I don't desire to hear this, Lady Hinata."  I took a step back.  She was his wife.  Of course they had done such things, the proof of such activities walked around Konoha looking just like the people who had made them.  I suddenly found their existence annoyed me.  Visual proof of their relationship.

"Gaara, he used your name.  Your _name_."  She pulled her hands away from her face and I took another step back.  "Don't you get it?  I was never the one who had his heart.  I never will be."

I stared at her.  My name?  My name when... _When they_... I felt my face heat up, which was followed by the familiar sounds of cracking.  He called my name, back then he wanted to be like that?  With me?  For that long?  I took another step back.  I couldn't handle this.  Naruto wanted me?  How could it even be true?  What happened was a coincidence, a mishap.  Why would he be interested in _me_?

"I let him go.  I annulled our marriage, he is yours now."  Her voice returned to its soft undertone though the words were rushed, she looked defeated.  "Please, make him happy."  She turned from me and left the room.

I stood frozen.  What?  Everything she said was an informational overload.  I looked to the door she retreated through.  He was... Mine?  What did she mean by it?  Annulled?  Did it mean?  My head swirled with the thoughts of Naruto, the possibilities of what she told me.  My heart raced at the thought of those two little words together.  It made my stomach twist and it dried my throat. 

Naruto.  Mine.  It wasn't even possible.  Even if she truly annulled their marriage he was still Hokage, still had ties to Konoha.  There was also the pesky reality we were both men and I was still unsure I was fully willing to delve into that particular sort of relationship with him.

Annulled.

Naruto was divorced.

Naruto had at least been hurt enough for there to be reports of his death.  I stared at the door.  I knew Naruto loved her.  What had she done?  Her actions could have killed him.  My stomach lurched violently.  _Killed_ him.  I felt my anger return, stronger than before.

I wondered if her screams would be as soft as her voice.

I turned away from the room.  No.  No killing Hinata.  I needed to calm back down.  I quickly left my house and headed to the hospital.  I needed to see Kimiko.  I needed something, anything to help my anger, and to hell with whatever this damned 'self medication' nonsense was.  She could at least procure some sort of drug to make my anger dim enough for me not to murder someone.  All I had to do was get to the hospital without incident.  Without interruption.  Without...

I gathered my sand beneath my feet and rushed to the building.  The sooner I had something in my system, the safer it would be for every living person in Suna.  I knew there was a drug for it, they had given it to me during the war, when I put everything on the line to save him.  Keep him alive.

His wife could have easily undone that effort.  Wife.  Ex wife.  What had she done?

_Fwum._

There was a loud banging after the muffled sound.  I looked to my left and noticed in the side alley a cart had been engulfed in sand.  I needed to calm down.  He was going to be ok.  He had to be.  Hope.  She wouldn't have lied about that.

Divorced.

Mine.

Hurt. 

I needed something before I broke something more important.  Such as a citizen.

I cleared my mind, focusing on controlling myself until I entered the building.  I barrelled past the reception.  "Kimiko, now." I didn't look back, I just headed to my room.  I slammed the door shut behind me.  I was shaking.  My breath was ragged.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I reacting so violently?  Calm down.  I shouldn't have to take something, I could handle myself couldn't I?

_She hurt Naruto, she should die._

_She was precious to Naruto, she should live._

I groaned.  I wasn't sure how I felt about her anymore.  She bribed me with food the same way I bribed others with it.  It wasn't fair to have the tactic used against me.  I buried my head in my hands.  Too much.  Too much emotion, too much information, too much _everything_ , all at once.

The door opened.  "Kimiko, I-"

"Lord Gaara."  Not Kimiko.

I growled at the girl in the door.  "I demand to see Kimiko."  I stood, my sand agitating around the floor beneath my feat. 

The girl backed up from me.  "She is downstairs.  She was called away for some emergen-"

"She is downstairs then."

She nodded.

I growled at her again, "Fine."  I pushed past her.  If I had to find the inept doctor myself I would.  Downstairs.  This hospital had a downstairs?  I turned to the wide eyed petrified girl behind me.  I was about to ask how to get there and decided it would be a waste of my time.  Hell with this.

I raised my arms and shot grains of my sand out.  They flooded the floors of the hospital, sweeping outward, searching.  I felt around for some indication of a lower level.  Nothing. My hands twitched.  The girl would die if I found nothing.  I gave her a look I imagine carried the weight of the decision considering she fled from me the moment I sent it.  I smirked, I still had the ability to instill instant fear in people when I wanted to.  I wasn't sure if I were happy about it, but it was a good thing to know.  In the corner of the hospital I found a locked door.  One which was different than the others.  I pulled back my sand and headed towards it in order to inspect it. 

When I arrived to the door my suspicions deepened.  Behind the first door, there was another locked door.  I pushed my sand into it.  Why was I not aware of this?  Had this always been here?  I felt my anger build as I unlocked it, revealing a small room.  At first glance the room was empty, but my sand quickly revealed a hidden door in the floor.  Downstairs, I found it.  I grabbed the offensive blockade and threw it aside.  I was going to kill whoever was down there.  For hiding from me, for keeping secrets, for annoying me when I wanted to kill something.

I was beyond wanting to kill something, I needed it.  I needed to feel the warmth of blood, I needed to hear the grinding of bones, the horrified screams, the satisfying sound of a body imploding while I held onto it.  The feel of the warmth which would drench my sand, the feel of it as the still warm sand bathed my body in what was left of the person's life essence.

My entire body trembled as I went down the stairs.  I didn't even bother using the steps, allowing the sand to carry me down.  I stood still, my arms crossed, waiting for the unfortunate first warm body to cross my path.  I went down the hall and was faced with yet another frustration.  Whoever built this place wanted to remain secret.  I was confronted with four passages.   _I did not have time for this_.  I pushed out my sand in small tendrils to explore each passage, searching.  Searching for what I was not sure, but I knew I needed to find something living.  Perhaps not the best way to go about it, but I needed to stop wasting time.

Before long one of my tendrils sensed something familiar.  I flinched at it.  "Kankuro?"  I frowned at what I felt and pulled my sand back.  I had to be wrong.  For me to feel his presence he would have to be there, but I was not alerted to his return.  There were no rumors or commotion associated with his return let alone the arrival of the woman who was supposed to be my new bride. 

I followed the trail down the middle left passage, following Kankuro's signature.  Soon, the tunnel I was in ended, revealing a door.  I pushed my sand around it's frame, unlocking it.  I stepped through to what looked like a regular hospital hallway.  I could hear something, the sound was faint, but it was there, at the end of the hall.  I followed the sound, then around the bend and stopped dead in my tracks.

"What?"  I stared, every ounce of anger gone in an instant.

"Gaara?  What are you doing in Konoha?  You look weird."  He looked oddly young, maybe about fifteen but he was unmistakable.  He looked tired, horribly pale.  He was leaned against the wall.

 _Alive_.

"Naruto..."


	47. All is Revealed

 

 

# All is Revealed

** Gaara **

I stared, dumbfounded at the boy in front of me.  There was no mistaking him.  His chakra was definitely his, weak, but definitely Naruto through and through.  But he was so young.  Why was he so young?  "What are you doing here?"

A half laugh came from the boy.  "Me?  What about you?  Why are you in Konoha?" He frowned.  "And why do you look so dang old huh?  Tsch, leave you for a while and you age like no tomorrow huh?"

I continued to stare at him.  What was he talking about?  "You aren't making any sense Naruto.  You're in Suna and I am hardly old."  I personally thought I was aging well.  Wait.  Naruto. 

"Suna?  Can't be, I was just in my apartment a couple hours ago, before..." He frowned and his brow furrowed.  "I... I don't remember.  Gaara, what is going on with me?  There is all this beeping, it's driving me nuts, ya know?"  His eyes widened and he began to slide down the wall.

I lunged forward, catching him in his descent down the wall.  "Naruto."

"I don't feel so well."  He paled further.

I gently brought him to the ground and knelt down next to him.  "You're a clone."  It made sense.  Why he would look so young.  His clones always reflected his mindset, but it didn't explain why his mindset would procure a clone who was half his age with no memory of-

My eyes widened.  Unless he didn't remember it himself.  I gripped the boy by the shoulders.  "Which way did you come from?"

His eyes were drooped and lidded.  "I came from... I wanted to..."  He gave a sigh and began to cling to me.  I controlled the urge to push him away.  "Doesn't hurt so much, stay."

I stiffened.  That phrase felt familiar.  I looked down to the boy which was now clinging to me, his breath shaking in quick succession.  "You hurt?"

"It's all I remember.  Pain, the annoying beeps.  I'm not healing, Gaara, I don't know why I'm not-" He burst into tears and he buried his head into my shoulder.

I didn't know what to do.  This wasn't him, but I couldn't just pop him and be on my way.  He would feel it, he always felt it.  If he were in as bad a shape as I was assuming he was, then killing his clone might not be a good idea.  Besides, the thing was sort of pitiful.  In a 'I should take you home and feed you' sort of way.  I wanted to push it away from me, preserve my personal space, but the comment it made to me about being a comfort stayed my hand.  If my touch comforted him, I would allow it, even if it were just a clone.

However, it presented an obvious reality.  If Naruto had a clone, a living breathing clone, here in the hospital in Suna, it meant Naruto was not only _alive_ , but also here in the hospital.  Here in Suna.  I pulled the boy closer to me into a hug and he sighed at the embrace.  If anything, Naruto would have this memory of me if his clone dispelled before I could find him.

He began to whimper in my arms and suddenly pushed away from me.  "Why are you hugging me?  Who are... Gaara?  What are you doing in Konoha?  You look weird."  Confusion was written on the young boy's face when he asked the question.

What the hell?  Didn't we just go through this?  "Naruto, calm down."

"What in the hell is going on?"  His voice hitched as he took a step backward, looking at me as though I had grown a second head.

I heard footsteps approach.  "Found him!"  I flinched at the familiar voice.  Temari?

I looked down the hall to see my sister barrelling down the passageway.  "What are you doing here?"  Why would she even be in Suna?

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at me a moment.  She held up a small device.  "Raccoon is in the building, he found the baby fox."  She grimaced at the words.  "I ever get the chance, I am going to kill him for all of this." The second phrase was said under her breath, the annoyance clear in her tone.

"I demand an answer.  Where is Naruto?" Her blatant disregard for my presence threatened to renew my desire to kill, and if the person I murdered to sate my blood lust, then so be it.  I could mourn the loss of her later.

She ignored my question.  "Brat, why did you run?"

"Who the hell are you?" The boy looked outright panicked.

Temari groaned.  "Worse every damn time."

That's it, I was going to kill her.  "I want to know what in the hell is going on here, I am the freaking Kazekage and I-"

"I can't tell you."  Her voice was low, gravelly.

I stood and grabbed her by the collar.  "I need to know."

"I agree."

"Then tell me.  I swear if you don't tell me I will kill you."

"I can't." She glared at me.  "Put me down."

I growled at her but complied after a moments hesitation.  Temari trusted my control too much.  In the mood I was in it wouldn't take much to lose that carefully constructed control.  I twitched as I forced my eyes away from her.  Much longer and I would snap, I would crush her or plunge my sand ito her gut, hear what it sounded like for her to beg...

I groaned and looked back to young Naruto with a frown.  "Why does he look so young?"  I clenched my fist.  I could kill something later.  Find out more of Naruto now.  He didn't need to see me murder anything.  I would lose his trust if he seen me do it so casually in front of him.  I kept my eyes focused on the boy, his presence helping to control my anger.

She sighed.  "Did you touch him?"

"I hugged him."

She groaned at my answer.  "Of course you did, my little untouchable brother hugged Naruto.  Go figure, the one thing I thought would be easy to get you not to do, you went and did without any prompting."  She rambled a bit more before returning to her little device.  "Raccoon touched the baby fox, bringing them both now."

"You can't do that!" The words came out of the little device.  It was like the annoying telephone I avoided.  Talking without sight, it disturbed me.

"Bring us both where?" Her words grabbed my attention.  I tilted my head at her in curiosity, wondering not only who she was talking to, but what in the world was going on.  My head began to clear.

She smirked at me and clicked the button on the device.  "I might not be able to speak to him, but there was nothing in my seal which said I couldn't lead him there."

Lead me... To Naruto?  I hoped it was what she meant when she said it.  I straightened my back, a lump formed in my throat.  I would see Naruto.  My Naruto.  Hinata gave him to me.  He was _mine_.

"Are you crazy Temari?  He is going to freak, do you want this place to go completely haywire?  What about Op-"

"Fuck operation dupe the Kages!" She screamed it into the device then threw it against the wall, making it splinter into pieces.  _Dupe the Kages_?  She let out a guttural yell and grabbed the young Naruto clone.  She glared back at me.  "Follow.  You deserve to know, I don't even care why you came here, but I'm glad you did."

I looked down at the broken device.  Maybe my sister wasn't in a great mood either.  I looked up to see her already heading down the hall, dragging the complaining clone with her by the arm.  "Let go, let go." The thing repeated the phrase over and over while it struggled against her grip.

"Why shouldn't I have touched him?" The question was building in my mind since she ranted about it, the anger now faded enough for me to voice it.

"Can't say."

I sighed.  "Why not?"

She paused and turned to the clone.  She held one finger up to it.  "Stay."  She let it go and it took a step back before it stopped when she cleared her throat.  She held up her arm and pulled up the sleeve covering it.  I found myself looking at a patterned seal on her arm.  "Can't." She pointed at it.

Oh.  Literally couldn't tell me.  I looked to Naruto.  The seal looked slightly familiar to me, meaning there was only one origin it could have had.  I looked at the clone, allowing my confusion settle on my face.  "Why?"

The clones eyes widened at me.  "Gaara?  Is that you?"  He started towards me but was held back by my sister.  "You look so old..." He trailed off but continued staring at me.  "You even age well, damn."  Huh?  Age well?

"Ok, lover boy, let's keep moving." Temari twisted him around and shoved him forward down the hall.

I stared after them while the clone defended itself for it's words.  It lost it's memory again.  Seriously, what in the hell was going on? 

Before long Temari turned to the left, opened a door then shoved the clone inside.  She tilted her head for me to follow behind her and I did.  The room was some sort of waiting room.  Comfortable looking couches, chairs and a dining table littered the floor.  A small refrigerator were on the side wall along with a coffee machine.  "Sit." She pointed to the nearest couch and I sat there, followed by the clone which had taken to blatantly staring at me.  I shifted in my spot.  Temari grabbed the boy and sat him across from me.  "Not you, no touching."

The boy groaned.  "Why should I listen to you?"

She glared at him.  "Hush."

He flopped back into his chair and took to staring at the ceiling.  He was acting better.  Ever since I hugged him he showed no signs of his illness beyond the intermittent memory loss.  I frowned at him.

Temari sat next to me with a sigh.  "About time, if you ask me."

I pried my eyes off of the boy across from me.  Temari looked tired, weary.  "Are you alright, Temari?"

She scoffed.  "There is my precious baby brother." She sighed, "I'm fine though.  We have to wait for them to get here."

"Why?"

She glared at me.  "Gaara..." She trailed off ending in a sigh and grabbed my hand.  Her brows furrowed and she squeezed me.  "I will stay here for a while to help out, alright.  Get things set up, make sure everything is-"

"Temari."

She looked away from me and slid her hand away from mine.  I looked down at my hand where her warmth lingered in my sand.  "You might have to move some appointments around, set up your office at home a bit more..."

"Temari."  Why would I need to be at home?  I wasn't sure I liked what she was implying.  How could I ask her what was going on without breaking her seal?  Naruto was usually pretty thorough, but he always left a loophole.  He tested one out on me once which forbid me to eat anything but ramen for a month.  It was a pain, but I found if I ate regular food with ramen noodles with it I could get away with eating regular food.  So, ask indirectly.  "Is my situation a dire one?"  Imply I was referring to myself.

She stiffened and snapped her head to me.  "Gaara, I... Yes.  Yes it is."

I felt cold.  Dire.  Dire was not good.  Yet, the clone sitting in front of me indicated Naruto was alive.  Alive would have to be enough for now.  I could work with alive.  "Then I must work at fixing it."

She nodded and patted my knee.

The door opened.  My own traitorous doctor, Kimiko, walked in with Sakura and some oddly familiar looking brown haired boy.

"Lord Kazekage?" Even without seeing her face I could tell she was confused at my presence.

Sakura groaned the moment she seen me.  "Oh great."

The boy however, was something else entirely.  The look he gave me was one which made me uncomfortable, objectified.  Odd.  He broke away from the others and dropped to his knees in front of me.  I wanted to back away from him, push him from me.  _Escape_.  The look was purely predatory.  A smile lifted his lips in a fashion which reminded me of Naruto.  He leaned forwards, his face dangerously close to my own.  I felt my back press deeper into the couch as I leaned away from him.

"Gaara."  His voice sounded like silk, smooth and seductive.  Like Naruto.  There was a scent to his breath, I worked at placing it.  "I didn't expect to ever see you.  In person." 

The scent overpowered my senses.  It was a warm, perfect scent, one I had memorized prior and it confused me why this boy smelled of it.  I pushed him away from me with a single finger.  "Back."

He frowned at me, confusion on his face a moment, followed by a deep sigh.  Temari and Sakura was glaring at him.  "How about you _not_ touch my baby brother?" I looked over to see her fingers twitching on the holster at her thigh.

"You can't kill me and you know it." The boy laughed, a familiar sounding laugh.  Why did he remind me so much of Naruto?  He looked back over to me.  "Aw, poor thing is confused."  He stayed on his knees in front of me.  "Too bad, I don't seem to have an effect on you either.  Hinata was the same, had to trick her to try and get her to sleep with me.  Almost worked.  You however are something else."

I flinched as a hand came up to caress my face and I batted it away from me.  "Who in the hell are you?"  If he wasn't careful I would kill him on the spot, no questions asked.

He stood, a smirk on his face.  "Oh well, you will just have to be a second hand memory for me.  I can deal with that." He brought his hand to his chest and his brown hair faded to red, his eyebrows vanished, a deep and highly familiar symbol formed on his forehead.

I somehow ended up behind the couch, unaware of my own movement.  _Me_.  This thing looked like me, but smelled and sounded like Naruto.  My confusion was evident, as was my doctor's as she too backed away from him.  "What is going on?"

"Looks like it's time to drop the plural from my operation."

"You should have included him in the first place." Temari was glaring at him.

The fake me hummed.  "Maybe, but it would have pissed off Naruto more if I could have kept him in the dark about it.  Oh well." He shrugged.

"Keep me in the dark about what?"

"I am not going to tell you."  His smile widened.  A deceitful smirk.  I wanted to remove it from my face.  Why did he have my face?

I growled at the boy, idly noticing Sakura tending to the young clone of Naruto.  "If you don't tell me, I will crush you."

He dared laugh.  My sand agitated on my skin and began to float around the room.  "Kill me and he dies with me, you idiot.  Can't you piece together what I am?  You encountered one of us once, he pissed you off and made you sign a ridiculous clause.  The stupid thing committed suicide, in a blatantly public display of gore and brilliance.  You of all people should almost be grateful for it."

I stared at him.  Grateful for?  How could he be so casual about- wait.  The clone died?  Why would it bother Naruto?

"I see you're still confused my poor redheaded beauty."

Temari groaned.  "Can't you behave?"

He laughed at her.  "Not at all, isn't in my skill set."  He looked over to the pink haired woman behind him.  "Sakura."

She turned to glare at him.  "I'm busy."

He smiled at her.  "You are going to need to tend to Naruto, I am sure this idiot touched him."

"Hugged him." Temari's voice was dull.

The fake me's smile faded and he turned a glare on me.  "You?" He gave a guttural sound.  "You really are an idiot." He turned back to Sakura.  "Even _better_ , Sakura, make sure you take Temari and Kimiko with you.  When it goes, he's probably going to go into shock." Shock?

Kimiko silently turned and opened the door behind her.  I could hear a faint beeping sound.  I shifted behind the couch.  _Naruto_.  He must be in there.  I went to move, but there was a weight on my chest and I looked down to see a hand there. 

"What, and leave you alone with Gaara?"

The other me leaned back over the couch, his hand to my chest keeping me from moving.  "I can explain more than you can, so yes, I expect to stay with him alone."  His voice turned dark, serious.  "Go on, I will give you two minutes to prepare for the transfer."

Temari's eyes widened and she fled to the room, followed by Sakura.

"I can't stand you." She threw the words over her shoulder before slamming the door shut behind her.  _Alone_.  I was alone with a young Naruto clone and what I was assuming to be some sort of clone who looked like me for some reason.

"You are a clone?"  I voiced my assumption.  Naruto was through the door.  I should be on the other side of the door.  He was injured.  In shock?  Why would a simple hug put him into shock?

He gave a small clap and flopped onto the couch I was standing behind.  "He catches on." He sighed and patted the spot next to him, "Sit, I won't do anything weird, promise."

"Hey, you leave Gaara alone!" The younger clone stood, looking angry.

I circled the couch and returned to sitting on it, next to the other me who was very not me at all.  Or very Naruto.  I was confused.  

He groaned.  "Sit down, Naruto."

"I won't, not until you get away from Gaara.  I won't let you hurt him."

I stared at the young clone.  Even minus his memories he stood up for me against the unknown.  I felt a strange warmth flood my chest.  I grabbed at the fabric over my heart.  What was going on?  He would go into shock just because I hugged his clone?  It didn't make any sense.  Would he be ok? 

"Long enough."

My eyes widened as the other me grabbed out a kunai.  He wouldn't, it hadn't been two minutes yet!  "Wait-"

He lunged forwards and plunged the knife into the young boy's chest before I grasped what was going on.  The young clone stiffened.  His eyes widened, a gasp escaped his lips.

" _Stop fucking making clones, Naruto_."  With the words the clone was gone.  "That bastard is going to kill us if he keeps that up.  Going to put his hands in casts if I have to.  Tsch."

There was a commotion beyond the door and I heard a 'hold him down.'  I stood, ready to go through the door to help.  Naruto was in trouble.  They weren't ready.  He didn't give them the time they needed, what if-

"Stop thinking so loud." He pulled me back onto the couch and followed the movement with a sigh.  "He'll be fine.  He dies, I die and I have no intention of dying anytime soon."

I stared at him.  He was similar to me, but very similar to Naruto.  What was he?  He acted like neither of us.  "What are you?"

"I'm Gaaruto."  He scoffed and looked up to the ceiling, clasping his hands behind his head.  "I was an accident.  Made me when he was fourteen, a few months before he came back to Konoha.  A new technique he developed, but it took too much out of him.  He vowed never to make another.  A clone, infused with his own life force, effectively splitting the clone from his own psyche.  He was going to get rid of me, you know.  When I was still young."

I stared at him.  A life infused clone? "I don't-"

"Just listen.  You need to understand, more than anyone else, _you_ need to understand."  He took a deep breath.  "You can just listen, can't you?"

I nodded.  I wasn't sure I liked this clone, but I couldn't shake the feeling I needed to hear what he was about to say.  I would stay silent and listen, hear what he had to say.

"So he tried to dispel me, call me back into his mind.  But, I was different, I didn't disappear, I kept my memories after he called me back into him.  I was alive, I could make my own chakra instead of drain his.  So we didn't want to take any chances, if he destroyed me and he lost the life force he put into me, it would be a disaster, you know?"

Life force.  It was something he gave to help bring me back from the dead.  "How much of it has he given away?" It wasn't a question I meant to say aloud.

He ignored my question.  "To test it, he made a tiny version of what I was." He held up his hand and a small clone appeared on my lap.  A tiny perfect Naruto.  I picked it up and it squirmed in my hands.

"Hey!  Lemme down." It continued to wiggle.  He was so tiny and cute.  I wondered if I could keep it.

"Like him." He pointed at the little clone in my hands.  "So we killed it, to see what happened.  To see if it would be the same as his regular clones." He looked away from me.  "It wasn't, you know.  Like the others.  It didn't disappear when it died, it just... Died.  And when it died..." He trailed off, his voice cracking.  A shadow passed over his features.  "Let's just say he didn't wake up for a week."  He clenched his hands, fisting the fabric of his pants.  "I buried it.  Removed the evidence of it's existence.  He doesn't remember, he forgot the dangers of it.  He just remembered he made me and..." He trailed off.

"He made another?"

His eyes widened at my question and he studied my face.  His eyes darted around, then settled somewhere above my eyes.  "Yes.  I haven't told them.  They know the other part of his condition.  They know the clone is at least a catalyst since there is a dead Naruto body in Konoha right now."  He reached out a tentative hand and brushed his fingers against the kanji on my forehead.

I could feel the warmth from his fingers through the sand, the tingling of touch reverberated down my spine.  I forced myself to stay still.  I tightened my grip on the tiny clone in my hands, ignoring its high pitched protests.  This man, this boy, this _thing_ which looked like me was part of Naruto, more than anything else was part of him.  It carried his life, it's death would kill him.  So I stayed still.  I allowed him this one touch, this oddly intimate gesture.

"I hate him.  From the bottom of my heart I despise his very existence.  I am not real, his life means I am not real.  I hate that.  So I rebel, I make them notice me.  I'm not him, we share memories, desires and feelings, but we are not the same.  Not in the end, not really."  He removed his hand and sighed.  "Gaara, sweet, beautiful porcelain Gaara, if you can stabilize him, if he makes it through everything... Will you promise me something?" He didn't wait for my answer, but stood instead and headed towards the door.  He opened it, looked inside and motioned for me.

"We weren't ready, you moron." Sakura appeared at the door, her face set in anger.  She looked to me and her expression softened.  "Lord Kazekage, I think it's time for you to go inside.  We will leave you alone.  Gaaruto?"

"I'm going with him."

She frowned at him, but nodded.  Soon, the others left the room.

I neared the door, the sound of beeping became stronger.  Naruto was through this door.  This door held my Naruto.  He was alive.  _Stabilize_?  What could I even _do_?  I took a deep breath and walked through the door, pocketing my tiny Naruto.

The sight before me was one I was not ready for.  There was a bed in the center of the room, Kankuro was sitting next to it, holding the hand of the person laying in the bed.  My feet felt like lead as I came closer.  "Kankuro?"

He looked up to me and smiled.  I could tell it was a forced one, his eyes held nothing but sadness, worry.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

I stared at the person in the bed.  He was barely recognizable.  He was purple with bruises, the only thing revealing his identity was his spiky blonde hair which poked out from beneath the tubes attached to his face.  Alive, yes.  But barely.  I trembled as I forced my feet to take another step. "Naruto."  My voice was barely a whisper as I reached out to him.  I hovered my hand over his body, afraid to touch him. 

"You can go now, Kankuro."  It was strange how much like Naruto the clone sounded, his voice strangely chipper to spite the situation.  It annoyed me.

He gave a nod to the creature I now recognized as Gaaruto and left the room, softly clicking the door shut behind him.

"He is dying." I barely managed the words, my voice too soft, too raspy.

"Yes."

I felt my knees give out and the clone caught me.  "How do we stop it, he can't- he can't..." I trailed off, my head whirling.  It felt as though my heart would stop, a twisting horrendous pain erupted from where it was located.  What could I do?  How could I stop this?  I couldn't lose him, I couldn't-

I felt myself moved to the chair Kankuro was sitting in.  He grabbed my hand and placed Naruto's in mine. 

 _Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep._   The monitor sped up, his back arched and a groan came out of him.

" _Don't move_."  He held my hand to Naruto's tightly, a look of determination on his face. 

I was hurting him.  Did he mean for me to harm Naruto?  Didn't he say if Naruto died, he too would die?  Did he have a death wish?  Did he hate me?  I struggled against the grip.

"I said don't move.  Trust me."

I stilled, petrified of what might happen.  Don't die.  Don't die, don't die, don't _die_...

Soon, Naruto's body relaxed, the beeping steadied back out and the bruises on his body began to recede.  What the hell?

The clone beside me sighed and removed his hands from ours.  "This might just work."

"What?"

He reached into my pocket and grabbed my new little Naruto.  "That was mine."  I went to snatch him back.

"Hey, I'm not an object.  Whoa." Tiny Naruto looked down at the bed.  "What happened to her?"

Her?  I scrunched my nose at the tiny Naruto, my hand pausing mid air.  "This is the original you."

The tiny thing laughed.  It was no longer cute to me.  I pushed out the sand which encased my fingers and squeezed it until it went away.

"Was that really necessary?" Gaaruto frowned at me.

"Yes.  Naruto isn't female."

He gave a half laugh.  "You sure about that?"  He leaned forward and grabbed my arm.  There was a deep burning sensation that penetrated through my sand.  It began to swirl around me as I tried to pry myself away from his grip.  He let go.  "Seal.  You can talk to them about Naruto now."

I pulled the fabric of my sleeve up to reveal a circular style seal.  "Why use the seal?"

He fell to his knees and fought to catch his breath.  "I'm tired.  Haven't slept in days, you know, tsch."  He looked over to Naruto.  "I hate to say it, but I have to go back.  Make sure Kurama is still doing ok.  He messed his entire system up.  Gaara... That promise."

I pursed my brows at him.  I had forgotten it.  "Promise?"

He never moved his sight from Naruto.  "Marry him and when he thinks his life is falling apart, do everything you can to make him happy."

My eyes widened.  "Marry?"  Me, marry Naruto?

"Promise me." His voice darkened.  No light, no jokes, no jovial smile to his tone.  This was Naruto's voice coming from him, his serious tone, the one that made me want to move the world to make him smile again.  The voice he had when I had to tell him about Sasuke, the voice he used when he felt he would never get through his studies, the voice he used at the cave before...

"I promise."

He held a hand to his chest, his fingers up.  "Welcome to operation dupe the Kage, Gaara.  If he finds out in this condition, he will freak out.  Keep him as calm as possible, hm?" With the words he was gone.

Dupe the Kage?  What?  I stared at the place the clone had been for a while before returning my attention to my Naruto.  What did I just promise?  Marry him?  My stomach twisted.  How could I marry him, we were both men and- A thought occurred to me.  He hinted at... but something so odd would never be possible.  I took a deep breath, still refusing to release my hand from his.  I moved my hand up to his stomach and moved aside the bunched up blankets to reveal -

I stared.

It.

What?  The blankets weren't bunched.  I gently placed my hand on the protrusion from his middle.  What was this?  It was... It...

I felt down into it gently, feeling for the injury which must be present.  But.  It.

It wasn't.

I felt a movement and I drew my hand back as though it had been burned.  I stared at his stomach.  Not possible.  Not remotely possible.  I knew what I felt must have been a trick of my mind and tentatively placed my hand back to the area.

It was impossible, wrong, but it was there.  A tiny little life growing inside of him.  I looked up to him.  What happened?  How did- Why did it...

I let go of his hand and ripped apart his gown.  Breasts.  His skin soft, but bruised.  Naruto was..

How was Naruto...

How long had...

I fell back to the chair and stared at him.

Her.

Him.

 _Her_.

I continued to stare.

 _Numb_.  What was going on?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the reviews :D
> 
> Aww, Gaaruto sort of cares about Naruto.  Sort of.
> 
> Also, I will be focusing on this until it is done, only 2 more chapters! *poor neglected Inhertants*
> 
> As always, reviews/comments serve to inspire.


	48. Future Tense Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned on doing only 2 chapters for this, but life got in the way.  Today, my boyfriend of the past 3 years decided to break up with me via text message, while I was at work (yay)  Yeah, so that happened today.
> 
> Anyway, I honestly don't feel like writing on what I consider to be the ultimate love story at the moment, and it has already been 4 days, and all of you lovelies deserve more from me than that.  So - I split it.  Here is the first half of Future Tense while I take a tiny bit of time to wallow in self pity before tackling this again lol.  Not sure how great the editing was done on this, considering I'm kinda in a 'blah whatever' sort of mood, so I hope it isn't too bad.
> 
> Thank you Q.T. Pie for your inspiring review :D Honestly it came on a bad day for me, not that this one is a whole lot better, but at least it is cooler.  When it gets to 100 degrees I tend to get grumpy and had to put in my window AC before I burnt something down in annoyance.  (I might base Gaara's thoughts and actions on myself...)
> 
> JJ-  Naruto's life force is something I know I need to address at some point in this, but I'm still working out the best way to deal with it where it doesn't end in disaster *doom*  Since we don't want either of them not to have their happy ending, ne?  Still planning on doing a full one shot from when he took care of Boruto, also the one for his book of possibilities and the Gaaruto multi-shot that will show his past with Naruto and why he fully hates him as much as he does.
> 
> As for your other question: Is there one book in particular that is your absolute favorite that if someone cast a spell on you that you can only read that book for the rest of your life you'd actually be happy about it?  I would like to answer something technical like 'The novel writing handbook', 'What would my character do' or the 'how to draw manga series'.  I Would also like to say it was one of my favorite epic fantasies or Sci-Fi books I love such as the first 2 in the dragonsinger series, The wishsong of Shannara by Terry Brooks or even Charlie and the chocolate factory (Raold Dahl is amazing by the way, also a massive inspiration for me) But no, for me it is oddly a love story.  Beauty and the beast is one of my all time favorite love stories, and there is a book called Beauty by Robin Mckinley which I have read so many times the binding fell apart.  The only book my boyfriend... Er ex boyfriend took note on and bought me a replacement for this last christmas.   In fact, I was about to crack it open again to read it.  It is a 1st person pov from Beauty's perspective and it is told more in the style I write.  It isn't entirely about the romance, but the situation and the circumstance.  It is heart wrenching when every night she refuses the beasts proposal, but you are there in her mind, seeing the changes in their relationship and it is amazing.  So there is my all time favorite book ^-^
> 
> Reviews always serve to inspire, all of you do make my day when you do.  <3

 

** Gaara **

I am not sure how long I sat there, staring at him.  He was barely recognizable to me.  Soft, smaller.  Yet... It was Naruto.  My _him_.  Not him, but her.  This was too confusing.  I clung to the heat from his, her, _his_ hand.  Her.  I held it with all my might, desperate for answers, hoping I would get them through some form of osmosis by simply holding onto the heat which was by nature Naruto. 

The strange clone left me, and the others still left me to my devices alone, likely with the assumption I would have been filled in about the situation.  No, he hinted at it, let me discover for myself Naruto somehow turned into a woman.

A pregnant woman.

A very pregnant woman.  With a baby.  Inside of Naruto there was a tiny baby.

Was it mine?  Was it some sort of asexual clone he had produced?  I shook my head from the second thought.  Logic would say it was mine.

Mine.  Naruto was carrying my child?  My stomach lurched at the prospect, my heart sped up.  I... Could be a father.  A real father.  With a blood relative, closer than anything else.  The little life depended on the fact I existed in the first place.  A true legacy.  I gripped Naruto's hand with my free hand to help control the shaking.  There was something off about all of this.  Why hadn't he told me?  The only think I knew was he was constantly getting sicker and sicker and it had nothing to do with the clone. 

The child.  The one I felt growing inside of him.  Her.

The child was making him sick.  I flinched back away from it.  Could the baby be responsible for Naruto's sickness?  I glared at the lump in his stomach then sighed.  I would have to ask.  I forced my gaze away from the tiny life and trained my eyes on his face.  Her face.  His.

Damn it.  This was too much.  I needed to talk to someone.  I wanted my sister.  My brother.  I wanted Naruto to damn well wake the hell up, get better and tell me his own god damned self.  Why couldn't he...

Why couldn't he have...

He should have... 

I should have made him...  Nothing was right.  Marry?  I felt heavy.  Everything felt wrong.  Everything was off.  Naruto couldn't be a woman.  He couldn't be pregnant, he couldn't be available to be married.  Naruto was Hokage, my best friend, my savior, a father of two children with a wife any sane person would be happy to have.  He would never choose me over that.  He couldn't.  Why would he?

Yet, as much as it didn't make sense I was presented with facts that never would have made my book of possibilities.

Naruto was a woman, likely an attractive one once he would get off all these damned machines.  Naruto was carrying a child.  _My_ child.  Kankuro came here with Naruto, Konoha sent for Kankuro to approve of a wife for me.   Naruto was the wife Konoha was sending me.

Slowly I stitched the pieces together.  I would be marrying my _him_.  My Naruto.  My head was fuzzy, the world spun around me and I dropped to my knees from the chair I sat in and retched.  I could barely hold myself up.  I wiped at my mouth, the sour taste left over from the emptying of the contents of my stomach unceremoniously on the floor was nauseating.  I caught my breath after a few minutes of sitting hunched over on the floor for a few minutes, doing my best to clear my mind.  I couldn't however, stop the shaking in my body.  It was full body tremor, and it took all of my willpower to pull my sand to clean the mess I left near Naruto's bed.  The smell remained, but at least it was cleaned from the floor.  Once I left, I could get rid of the offensive evidence of my weakness.

I pulled myself back up to the chair, or, I tried to.  The tremors worsened the moment I caught sight of blonde hair, the evidence of the identity of the person in the bed.  The person in the bed who was dying.  Who was carrying my child.  Who deserved more than the fates had given him.

I felt a weight on my arm, then without warning I was hefted upwards and sat upon my chair.  I stared wide eyed at the boy who had grasped me.   "Hey, you alright?"  Blonde, crazy unkempt hair, bright blue eyes, whisker scars gracing his cheeks but...

He was so young.  So very, _very_ young.  So I stared.  Speechless, though I opened and shut my mouth to spite the lack of sound.  _Naruto_.

"Shy, ain't ya?"  He squinted his eyes at me, then slowly widened as he studied me.  "No brows?  No way." He took a step back from me.

No brows?  Instinctually I grabbed onto his wrist.  My fingers tightened around his small frame.  So small.  It was hard to believe either of us had ever been this small.  I had already been so powerful then, so powerful the village wanted me dead.  After meeting him, I fought to hold my resolve to not harm anyone who attacked me from my village.  I could become better.  More like _him_.  If he could radiate such light, I could be something my people could trust.

He hadn't called me No brows in years, not since before I was killed.  So... He must have been somewhere between twelve and fourteen then.

"Gaara?" His fingers went to my scar, forcing me to take a quick inhalation of air.  "No way."  His cheeks reddened and he pulled his hand away from my forehead.  I didn't say a word, but kept his other hand firmly still by way of my tight grip on his wrist.  His face was pure confusion and he looked behind him.  "Is that me?"  His eyes were wide, panicked as he turned to face me.  "Is it?" The last words came in a high pitched rush.

I bit on my tongue, hard enough to taste the familiar savory taste of my own blood.  The pain of it forced me to calm down enough to deal with the confused clone.  I spit the blood from my mouth, staining the floor in the process. 

He tried to pull away from me after I did, his eyes following the trail and seeing the spatter of blood on the ground beneath us.  "I - I don't know what's going on, but you gotta let me go." Another tug.  "Please, if you are really Gaara, let go." He pleaded.  Confused.  Sick looking.

"If I let go, you must stay." I tried to keep my voice steady, a difficult feat considering I was facing Naruto in the form I first met him.  The obnoxiously bright orange track suit he had thankfully reduced to orange and black later on.  Why did he like the color so much?  It would be a question for when he got better.  He _would_ get better.  I stared at him as a frown ebbed further into his face as he thought about what I said.  Uncharacteristically silent for Naruto, especially at this age.  He made another clone while I was retching on the floor, and I never even noticed.  The use of his chakra for clones was a complete waste, unneeded and they served no purpose as he didn't retain their memories long enough to have any benefit from the action.   Which was the problem to begin with.  What did the other one say?  Put his hands in casts so he wouldn't be able to do it anymore?  I was beginning to think it to be a good idea.

"So, you're saying if I stay in this creepy ass room with you and that guy." He pointed to his body in the bed.  "You'll at least let me go?"

My eyes drifted to where I was gripping his wrist.  If he tried to run, it wouldn't take much to catch him.  I didn't want to pop him yet.  I was holding onto the clone, and the last one I touched created a medical emergency it seemed.  Though, I had been holding onto his hand, and he seemed to calm down.  I frowned.  "Yes."

"Alright then, I promise.  You can count on that too, it's my-"

I let go. "I know."  I looked down at my hand.  Even in this form, as a child he held so much heat it would linger in my sand for hours.  Or, at least, what felt like hours.  The lingering heat may have been spurred on entirely by memory.  I looked back up to him and we locked eyes.  He may have looked paler than usual, but his eyes were brilliant, the light of the universe reflected deep within them.  Innocent.  The memories of war and death and sickness gone from his mind.

Maybe this condition wasn't so bad for him in the long run, as long as he regained his memory in the end.  I wasn't sure I could handle a forever young Naruto, not to mention I was a little afraid of how far back he would regress before he would get better.

He _would_ get better.

He had to.  He _had_ to.  What would I do... What would I do if.. If he...

Could I...

I shifted my eyes to the real Naruto, the small lump on his abdomen where a small child grew.  I grunted and returned my eyes to the conscious clone.

 _No_.  I would do everything in my power to ensure he lived.  No matter what it might be.  I couldn't handle losing him.  Not now, not ever.  I wouldn't lose him.  He is my light, and anything growing without light dies in the end.  I leveled my gaze at the boy who took to pacing, looking as though he would pull his hair out any moment.  I was too quiet for too long.  "You should relax, Naruto Uzumaki."

He stiffened, an exasperated growl left his throat.  "Relax?  How the heck can I relax when you look like an old man and some person is half dead." He pointed at himself unknowingly.  "Just laying there, feet away from me.  I mean, what the hell?"

"You're dreaming." It was a lie.  I didn't lie often, but it felt necessary.  If he did pop soon, maybe he would take everything he seen as a dream.  Maybe it would keep him calm.  Stable.  I couldn't risk him going into shock, or worse.  I shivered at the thought and crossed my arms.  I needed to stay calm.  Allow this to be a better 'dream' for him.  I felt my brows furrow.  For him, his memorable moment was after I died.  For me, it was when he was this age.  What did he really think of me?  He woke me from my insanity the first time we met, set my... My...

My what?  The deep admiration of him, my obsession.  He came for me, when they sent me on a mission with them and they tried to assassinate me in a grand way, he came.  He stood up for me, he helped me gain my first friends beyond himself.

He seemed to calm with the posed idea of a dream.  "Hm, yeah that makes sense, actually."  He looked around the room and found the other chair on the other side of the bed.  He grabbed it, slid it in front of me backwards and sat towards the back, his legs half wrapped around the wood of the chair.  He leaned on it, arms crossed and he set his head on his arms.  He narrowed his eyes until he gained his signature fox look, a slight pout on his lips.  "Not sure why I would dream all this up, it's kinda weird, but whatever."

I stayed put, keeping my arms crossed, my face carefully blank but for the furrow between my brows which I couldn't seem to rid myself of.  I was mildly annoyed by it.  However, I had a show to put on.  Be nice, be who he might dream me up to be.  If he dreamed me up twice his age in a strange dingy room with a half dead body in it for reasons unknown to him.  I sighed, this was going to be hard to pull off.  Maybe.  He wasn't exactly the brightest of people, especially back then.

He shifted, his head tilted a little.  "Silent one, aren't you.  You are so damned weird, you know that Gaara?  But hey, I'm glad you calmed down though." His eyes opened a little more, a soft smile on his lips.  "I wasn't sure you would.  What's the harm in saying it?  I'm in a dream right?"

I nodded.  My stomach twisted.  I could.  I could ask him.  What harm would it do?  He wouldn't remember any of this, I don't think.  "What do you think of me?  What am I to you?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know.  This would be coming from my pre-death Naruto.  The one who I was barely friends with, the one I both was annoyed by and yet admired with all of my being.  I wanted to retract the words, but they already left my traitorous lips.

"What are you to me?"  He leaned back and regarded me with wide eyes.  "Dang, that's kinda hard.  I mean, you scare the hell outta me, you know?" 

I felt my heart sink.  I shifted my eyes away from him. 

"Hey, don't be that way." His voice dropped and I heard a scraping on the floor.

I couldn't look at him.  Something was too painful in my chest.  Afraid of me.  I knew I had the risk of revealing something I didn't want to know.  I stiffened as a finger pressed to the tightness between my brows, forcing them to smooth.  The breath in my throat hitched and I squeezed my arms, my nails digging into my sand armor which lay beneath them.  I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the fear his face would likely have, the disdain for me.  With the freedom of a dream, he wouldn't hold back.  I wasn't sure I could take that from him.  Not that.

"Hey, Gaara." A hand grabbed my chin and I flinched from the touch.  "Open your eyes will ya?"

I fought against the request, but found myself powerless against his soft voice, even if he were just a clone.  His eyes were close to my own, their brilliance filling most of my vision.  "Naruto?"  I pressed myself into the chair behind me, the heat of his hand transferred through to my skin.  My heart raced against my will.  He was a child.  He wasn't my Naruto.  He... He...

"It's a little weird I would dream you up this old, but... I kinda get it."  I nearly jumped out of my skin as his hand travelled my face until it cupped my cheek.  What was he doing?  "You are beautiful, you know that Gaara?  The most attractive person I've met.  Weird, isn't it?  If this is what you look like this old... You only get more beautiful..." He trailed off as his eyes darted around my face.

Beautiful?  What was he talking about? _I wasn't beautiful_.  I edged further into my chair, willing myself away from him.

"Now it's you who should relax." He gave a small laugh.  "My dream anyway, I can do what I want.  So for your question, I don't know what you are to me.  You're my friend, yeah, but you're different too.  How, I'm not exactly sure."  His hand moved up to my scar, and the heat from him sent a shockwave down my spine. 

I willed myself to be still, to not run from him.  He was 'dreaming' remember?  It however, made me nervous at what he might do.

"When I witnessed it myself, how far they would go to rid themselves of you, it pissed me off.  I seen it, just beyond that mask you wear.  The one like mine, the one that hides what you feel.  They said to stay out of the way.  You know that?  They thought we would just sit aside and let them kill you." His voice shook at the last word and his eyes glistened.  "I can't stand it.  Why do they always go after you, huh?  They forced you into becoming a weapon, they made you... And you let them live.  Walked away like it was nothing, like you were so damned used to your own people trying to kill you.  To that extent, no wonder you're so damned strong."

My heart raced.  I wanted to know, in the deep recesses of my mind I wanted to know.  Words he would likely never say to me without some sense of safety.  He... He thought of me in this way?  Even back then?  I always thought it was because we were on the same team, because we shared the one thing few shared.  A literal inner demon.  It was something we no longer shared beyond our common past.  I felt weight on my shoulder's, I could feel his breath mingle with my own.  He was too close to me, far too close to me.  This was dangerous.

"I wonder, is your skin so rough because of the sand?  Is it soft beneath it, or is it just as dry and rough?"

I scurried away from him, knocking over the chair and he barely was able to catch his balance as I retreated away from him.  Whether or not I was trying to be convincing at this being a dream, his hand snaking beneath my shirt was far too much.  I glared at him.  How dare he go so far?  He was thirteen.  Thirteen!  And a clone.  He wasn't even the real Naruto, with only the memories it seemed from his childhood.  Or did the feelings from... From a few months ago transfer over?  It must be why he... It had to be why... I glanced over to the unconscious form of him in the bed.  If the thought were true in any respect, he really did find me to be...

Beautiful?  What an odd concept.  When I looked back to the clone he was staring at his hand, a frown on his lips, his eyes were hooded, darkened.  He gave a deep laugh, one which held no amusement.  "That's right, isn't it Gaara?"  He clenched his hand and looked away from me.

I felt my stomach twist at his reaction.  Some dream I was giving him, I was going to send the memory back to him and he would have a heart attack from depression.  Wonderful.  I sighed and forced myself to the small boy.  "What is?"  I kept my voice steady, soft.

"You will always be just beyond my reach.  We are so much alike it hurts, I want to protect you, but you aren't anywhere near me, and I think you are overall stronger than me anyway." His fingers twitched and he stared back down at his hand.  "I... I will never be able to... We couldn't..." He clenched his hand and scoffed.  "Even if I ever wanted to try something like that, it wouldn't even be possible ya know.  We live too far apart, and you..." He trailed off and his hands went limp at his sides.

"I what?"

"You would never look at me that way, Gaara.  You are too... Well, you." His eyes crawled up my body slowly.  "Even in a dream, when I dream you up like this, I can't even really touch you."

My body stiffened.  _Touch_ me?  Was touching me such an important idea to him?  I looked at my own hand, the one I used to shake his hand.  The first time we shook hands, I had not yet built my armor back up.  I had truly touched him.  The burning of his hand was thoroughly etched into my mind from the contact.  Is this the reason why the moment stood out to him more than the others?  Because of touch?  I gathered sand inside of my hand.  It was time to let him go.  To give him back to his original mind.  I walked up to him, knowing what to do.  I leaned in towards him, allowing myself the close proximity to the boy.  I hovered next to his ear.  "If you give me time, perhaps you shall touch me, and I be a willing participant in said touch." I let my breath flow over his ear, his neck as I spoke.  I pressed my hand to his chest and shot out my sand, killing the clone swiftly, allowing my words be the last thing he heard before returning to his host.

I heard a moan around the pipe in Naruto's mouth.  I rushed to him and grabbed hold of his hand.  Touch.  Was this what he wanted from me?  I felt him relax almost immediately, what I could see of his face looked content.  _Touch_.

Maybe...

Maybe I could...

I concentrated on my hand and pulled my sand back towards me, uncovering my skin inch by slow inch.  The heat of him intensified, the barrier I used to shield myself from all outside contact disintegrating at the point of contact with his skin.

 _Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  Beep._ The heart monitor sped up and I had a moment of doubt before it evened back out.  I sighed a breath of relief.  I would stay.  Stay here until he was better.

He needed me.

Needed me to touch him.

*                 *                 *

"Gaara, you need to let him go."

I kept silent.  If I ignored Sakura long enough, she would go away and leave me and Naruto be.  I could take care of him, he was _mine_.  I might be slightly delirious, but I really didn't want to let go of his hand and expose my bare flesh to the air.  I had been successful in all my endeavours to completely block out other intruders, so she had to be the same in her reaction to my indifference.

I ignored the sigh she gave and nearly faltered when I felt myself hoisted up into the air.  "Drop him." Her voice was dark, dangerous. 

I blinked as I leaned forward so I could keep contact with Naruto's hand.  The movement gave away the fact I must acknowledge her presence.  Maybe if I just... No.  She was his doctor, she needed to live, for now.  "I have no desire to let go." He needed me to hold his hand, I was sure of it.  Any shift I made would elicit an odd high pitched noise to come through the breathing apparatus strapped to his face.  I wasn't going to let go.

"I can't reduce the amount of medication until I can get to his arm freely.  Now drop it."  I felt myself being pulled back.

I growled, drawing my sand back to my hand to guard it from the outside air.  It flowed up, circled around it and once fully in place, I let go, albeit grudgingly.  Mainly because if she pulled me further away I might injure him further and then I would have to kill her for it.  I would feel guilty later on, she was his doctor and I needed her to help make him better in the long run.  She knew Naruto's physiology better than anyone else since she had been with him for so many years.  I turned my head to glare at my pesky intruder as the high pitched sound I was avoiding came from him.

"Finally." She moved to his side, checking various vitals.  "With you around, the amount of sedative we use won't be as necessary.  His reaction to your presence has been well enough to feel safe reducing it.  This will also be better for..." She trailed off and turned to me, her eyes widening.  "Hey, I can talk to you about it."  Her hand ghosted over her arm where I assumed her own seal was located.

I held up my arm to reveal the seal his clone placed on me.  "Yes."

Her face softened into a smile.  "I'm glad, and..." She busied herself with Naruto's IVs.  "I am very sorry." Her words were quiet, barely audible.

"Sorry?" I tilted my head at her, confused with the word.  She helped bring Naruto to me, she had nothing to be sorry about.  Unless she was apologizing for tearing me away from Naruto, in which she should apologize, though I doubted she would apologize for that.

"It's my fault he got this bad.  The... The baby... It..." She looked away from me.  "He was being torn apart from the inside out.  My initial reaction was to terminate, to keep him safe.  I'm sorry.  I am _so_ sorry." Her hands gripped at the fabric of her clothes to the point her knuckles were white.

She what?  "Terminate?"

She gave a small whimper.  "Baby." A single word, the impact was not lost on me.

For a brief moment I felt angry.  He was carrying my baby.  Mine.  My Naruto was... Tearing apart from the inside?  He had not been well since before the clone's death.  The baby was killing him.  I didn't like the odd emotion which followed the realization the tiny being inside of him was what was wrong with him in the first place.  I felt sick.  I felt guilty.  I felt desperate, thankful, worried, angry, sad all at the same time.  "I would have insisted on the same." I spoke quietly, but in absolute truth.  I would not lose him.  Not Naruto, no matter the consequence.

There was an audible gasp from her.  "What?"

I moved my eyes away from her and watched Naruto.  "He was dying as a result of carrying my child, am I wrong?"

"No." The answer was quick, breathy.

I hummed at her response.  I was correct in my assumption.  "Is it still harming him?"

"If you are suggesting terminating now, it's too late.  Removing it would do more harm than good, besides..." She trailed off.

Her continued silence following the word 'besides' forced my attention to her.  "Besides what precisely?"

"The clone.  He purposely left it with the thought he had terminated his... and..." She buried her head in her hands a moment, followed by a rubbing of her eyes.  "I was there.  I didn't know at the time he was just a clone.  He was so angry, Gaara.  He was broken and... I watched him..."

My eyes widened.  She watched the clone die, she knew what happened.  "You seen it happen?"  I stiffened, not entirely sure I wanted a description of Naruto's demise in spite of knowing it was his clone who had died in his place.

She looked to Naruto, her eyes dark, a slight frown on her lips.  Her words were soft when she spoke, tight as though she were pained by the presence of them.  "He committed suicide, Gaara.  He just opened his arms and welcomed it." She clenched her fists, moisture formed within her eyes and spilled to her cheeks.   "I can't do it to him again.  I need to figure out how to make them both live.  I need to..." She trailed off again.  This time, I allowed her the silence, removing my eyes from her heaving shoulders and back to Naruto.

Her words made me feel ill.  Why would he go so far for me, this child?  I didn't understand it.  Suicide?  He... Did the thought of losing this child weigh so heavily on him?  I grudgingly allowed my eyes to wander to where the thing grew in him.  I would not allow _anything_ to harm _him_ , not if I could help it.

*                 *                 *

I had successfully tuned the world out for an indeterminate amount of time since Sakura rudely pulled me from Naruto and informed me of my traitorous child's affect on him.  I knew it wasn't intentional, but it still felt traitorous to me.  I wasn't even sure if it would know what it was doing to him, if it was even able to form any thoughts yet.  A person.

A tiny little person was growing inside of him.  The concept was strange to me, but I was determined not to let my fascination with new life transfer onto this small creature.  It was killing Naruto.  I would allow it to be carried, but...

If it were to...

I would not allow myself to become attached to it.

I flinched as I felt the warmth of a hand penetrate the sand covering my shoulder.

"You need to eat something, it's been four days."

Four days?  I pried my eyes away from Naruto, acknowledging Temari's presence for the first time since coming in.  "I'm not hungry."  My throat felt dry, my voice more hoarse than usual.

"I can bring something in for you, you won't have to leave."

I regarded her a moment.  My throat was dry, and there was a small growing pain in my stomach which _could_ be translated into hunger.  The hunger itself went away some time after Sakura had finished what she was doing.  The hunger turned to feeling empty, the emptiness to this pain which was ever present.  "Maybe something small." I shifted my eyes back to him.  It would do no good for anyone for me to pass out from starving myself half to death either.  Besides, I had no control over myself when I was unconscious, which would be worse.  I still wasn't exactly sure how he survived my last episode, though I was eternally grateful for it.

I felt the warmth leave my shoulder and I was alone with him once again.  Her.  Him.  It still bothered me.  None of this felt right to me.  Naruto was my _him_ , so... Was he now my _her_?  I knew it would take me some time to get used to it.  Then, once he had the baby, would he revert to himself, or was the change permanent?  Would he be angry when he came out of his coma to find himself married to me?  I frowned at the thought.  Just because I had some hints which pointed to him liking me in a 'more than platonic friends' way, I wasn't sure he would want to take such a giant commitment to me.  To live in my every day proximity, to put up with my... mood swings.  My habits.  My son and the ever presence of Kankuro. 

However, I would not waste this opportunity to keep him in Suna.  Not when Konoha and his own wife, _previous_ wife, were so willing to hand him over to me to keep.  He was _mine_ now.  I would not allow anything to retract this from me.  Besides, I promised his clone I would marry him.  I knew I would have to act quickly to officiate the marriage.  Before he woke.  Before he could deny me the connection.  Years of wanting him near, years of going without his presence only to steal away the small bits of time I could.  I pushed my sand out from under me, to the door then through it.  I could feel him there, Kankuro.

I grasped onto him, and pulled him to me, ignoring the struggle he put up, his yelling at me to put him down.  "Kankuro."

He continued to scream at me so I released him.  I kept my eyes on Naruto instead of looking at my struggling brother.  "Fucking hell, put me down, damn it."

I dropped him and he gave a grunt in response to the action.  "Happy?"

Silence.  I heard the scraping of a chair.  "What do you want?" 

A hand waved in front of my face and I shifted my eyes to him with a steady glare.

He sighed and leaned back into the chair he drug over to me.  "I know you didn't just drag me in here to talk.  I know you well enough to know you have a real reason to have me in here."

I shifted my eyes back away from him.  It felt as though my nerves would crawl out through my skin and spill out of my sand in small strands.  I second guessed myself, Kankuro's presence only affirming what I had in mind.  Maybe I could back out of what I was thinking.  I hadn't asked yet, maybe it was a bad idea.

It would be better to ask, wait for him to be better, to-

"Gaara."

"Ready my marriage contract for signing.  I will need the arranged marriage forms as Naruto is in no condition to consent himself.  Herself." I groaned at the slip.  "Damn it Kankuro, just get me the contract."

"You're really going to-"

"Do it, Kankuro.  The council will have no issues with a marriage arranged for me by Konoha, they tried for years to marry me off.  It should please them I'm willing to go through with it.  Before I change my mind, Kankuro."  I paused.  "Please."  I wasn't asking.  I did it.  Simply by drawing up the forms, this one word of consent would push it through with or without my signature.  The world felt as though it were moving.  It was done.  I said it.  Naruto would be my...

My...

I would have a wife.  That wife would be Naruto. _Naruto would be my wife._ It felt as though the air was sucked from my lungs.  I tightened my grip on Naruto's hand in way of an apology.  I wasn't allowing him a choice.  He was trembling, maybe he...

It was me.  I was trembling.  I gasped for air.  What was I doing?  I heard Kankuro's voice but the words didn't penetrate.  I was betraying Naruto.  Forcing him into an unwanted marriage with the monster who impregnated him in the first place.  He didn't deserve this, it was my fault.

If I hadn't...

If we didn't...

If...

My hand fell from his and I found myself on the ground, the slight shock of impact jolted through my body.  Painful, yes, but mostly absorbed by the sand which encased me.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't..

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't watch him die.

I couldn't be what he would need me to be.

I couldn't make him happy, how could I?

Monster.

The tiny being inside him, the one killing him was put there by me.  _Me_.  It was my fault.  I could have resisted him, I could have pushed him away.

_I should never have gone to Konoha that day._


	49. Future Tense Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your support, you are all amazing, and I am thankful for all of you for reading, caring and commenting.  I am feeling much better, and even broke my writing record today at 8,000 words in a single day.  :D
> 
> It is probably a good thing I broke this chapter into 2 as this one is pretty long, had I kept it together it would have been around 15k long lol.  This chapter has been one I have been planning from the conception of this story, and I hope you all don't hate me at the end.  I will be working hard on the next chapter so I don't leave you hanging there for too long, so... no killing the author for now?  I haven't looked this over much, so I hope it is alright, it is currently nearing the 2am mark so I think I will call it good for now.  I hope you enjoy this chapter, it turned out much longer than I had initially intended it to be.  
> Also, I am still debating on what I could possibly name my next part, I am open to ideas, if you have any ^-^ As always, comments/reviews serve to inspire.

** Gaara **

My signature wasn't even required for it to happen.  I felt numb.  It took Temari and Kankuro hours to peel me from the floor and restore some semblance of natural breathing to me.  Married.  No ceremony, no arguments.  Just a swift signing of a contract by third parties authorized by the respective countries.  It amused me when I found out the authorized signature from Konoha had come from Hinata Uzumaki herself.  I wonder if it bothered her to literally sign her own husband away.  She really did give him to me though.  Her.

Naruto was my wife.  _Wife_.  It sounded odd, even in my head.  I still couldn't speak.  It was done.  It hadn't even taken more than two hours.  I couldn't even hold a simple policy meeting in that amount of time.  I felt slightly betrayed by the sheer quickness of it all. 

I was sitting near him, hovering over him like a vulture.  I felt the presence of my sister sitting next to me within an arms reach, though I hadn't acknowledged her presence beyond taking the food she brought me hours before.  I hadn't been able to bring myself to touch him after what I had done.

"I'm sure Naruto will be ok with this, Gaara."

I didn't respond.  How would she know?  I felt as though a weight settled into my chest and refused to budge from the area my heart resided.  I betrayed him.  I gave the go ahead, the consent.  It took no time at all for them to finalize it.  There could be no annulments, no divorce, no backtracking, no changing of minds.  When the council of Suna appropriated a union it was always set in stone with clauses which made divorce an impossibility.  They must have had one of my previous marriage contracts set aside, 'just in case'.

"Talk to me, will you?" Her voice was turning into more of a high pitched whine, which annoyed me.

To keep her voice to continue to squeak higher into an intolerable range, which it did on occasion, I decided to comply, though words were somewhat beyond me.  "Too much, Temari." I choked on the words, the truth of them.  All of it was too much, too quick, too rushed, too necessary.

My wife.  The man - _woman_ in front of me, whose identity was somehow Naruto Uzumaki... Naruto of _Suna_ now, was my wife.  _Wife_.

I still wasn't sure I could get used to having one of those.  I had fought against it whole heartedly after my second failed attempt at marriage, or at least the prospect of it.  The exam, the details of how children were conceived, the reality I would be expected to perform said action, and possibly more than once mortified me.

Until him.  Her.  Something else I might never get used to.  Naruto was a she, Naruto was my wife.  _Is_ my wife.

Naruto is mine.  Officially mine.  _Mine_.

That one, I would likely get used to.  If I had to make him my wife in order to keep him, then so be it.  I was just worried what he would think when he woke up.  Her.

Damn it.

I really wasn't going to get used to it.  Temari's voice was getting to sound like a bug, reminding me of his home.  There weren't many noisy bugs here in the desert, thankfully.  The things annoyed me highly and usually made me want to kill something more than usual.

"Gaara." She half yelled my name, forcing me to acknowledge her if only to keep her prattling down to a bare minimum.

"What." I hissed it, not really wanting an answer.  I kept my eyes on Naruto, not wanting to actually acknowledge Temari's presence, but feeling it necessary for the sake of my ears.

She sighed.  "Can't you just... Can't we..." She trailed off then ended it with an exasperated sigh.

I took a deep breath.  I wasn't ready to talk.  I wasn't sure when I would be ready to talk.  I might just stay here for the rest of my days, in this exact chair, staring at Naruto's bed.  Until he woke up anyway.  Then I would beg him for forgiveness, offer my life if need be then follow him around, hovering over him until he got annoyed with me enough to annihilate me from his presence.  Yes, this was my new plan.

"You need to talk to Kimiko and Sakura.  They might know what to expect from here, might be able to give a timeline for when Naruto-"

"When Naruto _precisely what_ , Temari?  When Naruto wakes up, when the... When... When his condition is to end?" I couldn't bring myself to say what was wrong with him, besides the obvious coma.  I couldn't, I wouldn't acknowledge it, I couldn't-

Arms snaked behind my shoulders and I stiffened.  I went to push away the pressure, the intrusion, but instead my body betrayed me.  I could feel myself tremble in the unwanted embrace, my shoulders slumped and the movement meant as a push ended up drawing her up to me.  I threw my arms around her, a gasp escaped her lips.  I gripped at her shoulder blades, feeling the bones in her back, the warmth of her tightening arms betraying my resolve to be strong.  "Gaara..." She whispered my name, warm, soothing.

A sound erupted from the back of my throat.  Similar to a sob, but not.  Similar to a whimper, but not.  "I can't." I squeezed her to me, as though the contact would somehow transfer the pain in my stomach and chest into her, away from me and I would be left with my comfortable numb. 

"You can, you _will_."

My scar erupted in heated pressure and I sighed.  The hug seemed to have worked, the pain was still there, deep inside my chest, but I felt slightly better.  As though some of that weight had been passed on to Temari somehow.  My arms felt like lead as she pulled away and they fell loosely at my sides when she pulled away from me.  I felt fingers trace along my hairline, down to my jaw and then a firm pressure at my chin forced my head to lift upward.  I locked eyes with hers.  _Darker than mine, yet similar_.  Naruto mentioned it once, just before...  _Before_...  "Do you think..." I wasn't sure what I was asking.  Maybe everything, maybe nothing.  Do you think he will be ok, I will be a good father, he will be ok turning into a woman, that I will be ok with the same, the baby will make it, he will be able to carry it to term, he would be _ok_.  I needed him to be ok, to live, to thrive, to smile, to be _happy_.

"Yes." Her word was soft, and omniscient.  I shuddered at it.  The meaning was left unsaid, but understood. Yes.  To _everything_ , yes.  It will be ok, Naruto had to make it, the baby must be ok, I will be ok...

The word helped, oddly enough, but the weight remained.  _Baby_.  I wouldn't allow myself to become attached, as much as I wanted to.  If the baby were to be lost in the efforts to save Naruto, I wouldn't be able to handle it otherwise.  It was better to simply ignore it.  Pretend it wasn't there.  In spite of her word, the yes, I knew it was possible I could lose one or both of them and I would much prefer to lose the child than Naruto.

It was something I didn't want to think about, so I didn't.  I cleared my mind, I lifted my sand, and fell into my rest state.

*                 *                 *

I woke to unfamiliar sounds.  Some familiar sounds were mixed into the scraping and other things I couldn't identify readily without opening my eyes.  The sounds of footsteps, words I was too uncaring to fully listen to.

At least, until his name spilled from one of their lips.  I opened my eyes to see both doctors tending to him and I leaned forward, gripped the handle to my chair and readied myself to stand.  "Wait, what are-"

The shrouded figure of Kimiko turned to me and held up a hand, silencing my words.  "Just a moment, everything is fine." Her voice was soft, and I trusted her.  Trusted her more than most.  She was, after all the only person I allowed to tend to me for any injuries, the only person beyond my family who ever seen me without my sand cover for her insisted 'annual exams'. 

I stood and moved so I could see what they were doing to him.  I deserved to know, he belonged to me now, and I would not allow anything to harm him.  I wished I hadn't and quickly looked away.  My stomach turned, a heated acidic feeling crept up my throat, threatening to make me lose the contents of my stomach.  I forced myself back to my chair and gripped onto the handles tightly as I sat back down.  It looked as though they knew what they were doing.  Even I could admit my presence in this moment would only hinder them from doing what they were doing and would likely harm him if they paid me any heed.

I winced at one of the unfamiliar sounds again, now knowing what it was attributed to.  They were removing the tubes which had obstructed the view of his face for the past... week?  I wasn't sure, it had been a while now.  I heard the wood of the chair handle splinter slightly beneath my hand as another liquid scrape sounded.  I clenched my jaw, the tubes being removed from his nose and mouth pictured in my mind.  I could kill someone with ease, remove their insides and look to see how they were made, but I could barely stomach a simple breathing apparatus being removed from him.  _Her_.  My...  _Crunch_.  The handle beneath my hand shattered within my grip.  The movement in front of me ceased and they turned to look at me.  I looked down to my hands before they could make eye contact, complain to me I had interrupted their procedure. 

I knew I should be glad they left me in the room for this in the first place.  Though I wasn't sure if they only left me because they didn't want to try and wake me from my resting state.  Also a strong possibility.  Either way, I wouldn't have budged, no matter how much it sickened me for the procedure to incur.  It must have meant there had been more progress.  Progress I wasn't aware of because I tended to tune everyone else in the room out lately, only concentrating on the person in front of me, the one who shouldn't be stuck in such a state as he was.  She was.

Still, after the time I had spent in the room it was difficult for me to think of Naruto as Her, she, woman.  The evidence of it was obvious, with his slighter, softer frame.  The small breasts he had grown, and... And...

The _other_ reason.  The one I still was trying to ignore.  I just wanted Naruto to wake up, smile and tell me he was going to be ok.  Maybe I would believe him if he were to say it.  I wasn't sure he would.  I moved the small shards of wood from my hands and I heard the disgusting sounds in front of me continue.   Soon, the sounds left.  I heard footsteps head out of the room, the sound of the door shutting.  Silence followed beyond the constant steady stream of beeping from Naruto's heart monitor.  More quiet than before, the sounds of the ventilator was missing.  I forced myself to look up.  He would be visible now, his face.  Her face.  Would it be different now Naruto was no longer... Naruto?  No, that was wrong, now Naruto was a woman, he would always be Naruto.  A simple change in gender would not change that.  Would it?

My sight of him was blocked, however.  I hadn't paid close enough attention to the footsteps to realize there had only been one set which had left.  Kimiko shifted in front of me and crouched down onto her knees.  "Lord Kazekage, I know you haven't listened to a word said to you, but you should know what to expect."

I stared at her a moment.  A lump formed into my throat before I could say a word, effectively cutting off any words I could have spoken.  Weak.  I felt so weak with the emotions which came from worry and... Everything else going on.  It truly was too much for me to handle in one week.  Instead, I nodded, allowing her to continue.  I probably should know, I was just... Afraid to know.  What if they told me he wasn't expected to-

No.  I wouldn't allow it.  I clenched my jaw, furrowed my brow and concentrated on the shrouded face before me.  What did she even look like beneath all the cloth and coverings anyway?  I had a feeling I would never know.

She gave a nod in return, a soft sigh left her.  "I think your wife will be fine.  The monitors recorded her fighting the machines earlier, she might start regaining consciousness soon.  After this, I predict her memory will slowly build back up.  From what I can tell, and have been told there has been a massive trauma which occurred causing the loss of memory, along with the medications which were needed to keep her stable for her trip here."

"Trauma?"  The word croaked out of my tight throat.  I wanted to know fully what she meant.  The clone mentioned something about him losing consciousness once with a small clone, but I needed to understand more.  I needed to know what to do, what _I_ could do.

"He lost some of his life force.  It is similar to..." She trailed off and stood up.  "Similar to losing a limb, I suppose.  As though a piece was ripped off of you and you just bleed out until it can be sealed.  From what I've been able to tell from my analogy it was at least a small part of her, and the loss of chakra was blocked before she could lose her life.  However..." She clenched her hand into a tight fist.  "The way it was blocked, the chakra flow in her body is muddled at best.  I am not sure she will ever be able to access it again in its entirety, if at all.  Ever."

Numb.  Trust her or not, she was lying.  "He still is making clones, even in a coma."

She hummed.  "One at a time.  I wouldn't expect great things from her though.  I've heard it is sort of a natural ability for her, her first technique."

I grabbed at the shroud which covered her.  "He is a Kage.  Such a loss of power-"

"Devastating.  Yes."  She moved away from my grip.

She had to by lying.  Naruto wouldn't know what to do with himself.  Being a ninja, it is simply who he was at the core of his being.  He had spent his entire life to become the best, and... And...

Gone, in a blink of an eye, all of it.  "What will he do..."  I felt defeated.  While I didn't mind him not going out to fight - _ever_ \- due to my desire to keep him safe and to myself, I knew he would be devastated, as Kimiko said.

"I believe, that is up to the both of you, once she is better.  The time we will have to be most diligent to her health will be during childbirth."  She paused, but then continued when I made no indication I was going to respond.  "She will have to go through a natural birth, a surgical removal will put her at more risk.  She will need to stay rested until then, mostly in bed rest."  She knelt down in front of me again.  "Which should be a while yet before she stabilizes enough to start recovery, I think."

When she stood I grabbed hold of the fabric at her leg.  I didn't look up, only stared forward into the fabric which covered her.  I swallowed the lump in my throat which plagued me more and more.  After a few moments of silence I found my voice.  "Will he be ok?"

"She can be, as long as she makes it through the birth.  Lord Kazekage."  She hovered her hand above mine.  "It is alright to start thinking of her as a woman now.  There is hardly anything left of... her maleness.  There will be no going back for her."

I gripped the fabric in my hand tighter, the lump forming larger than before.  " _Can't_."

She plucked my hand away from her, barely touching me in the process, gasping at the touch though there were layers of cloth and sand between us.  The one thing which connected me to my doctor was our mutual dislike of touch.  "Gaara."

I looked up to her visor, though I couldn't see her face, I could almost feel her eyes on me.

"Don't forget to breathe."  With the words, she brushed past me, and left the room.

 _Breathe_.  I wasn't sure I could.

*                 *                 *

I was left alone for the rest of the day as I sat staring at Naruto breathe, making sure he was breathing well on his own.  Temari brought me a meal once, but I only picked at it.  I wasn't hungry.  I needed to watch Naruto.  Keep him safe, make sure he breathed the way he was meant to breathe.  I wanted to be the first thing he seen when he first woke.  Be there when he was confused, help him if he needed.  I was anxious.  She said he would wake soon.  She.  I still wasn't sure I was ready to accept the change.  How would he take it?  Had he already known, was he prepared for it's permanence, would he be alright with losing the ability to fight fully?  I wasn't sure.

The chair fell behind me as I rushed to his side as his breathing pattern changed.  I hovered over him as my mind rushed through the unknowns.  Was something wrong?  Was he waking up?  Did I need to call Kimiko or Sakura in?  Would he have any idea what was happening if he did wake up?  What would I do if he didn't?  If he did?

What would I say?

His eyes moved.  His lashes fluttered, then slowly, so very slowly they moved enough to reveal the bright blue of his eyes.  His perfect, beautiful eyes.  I shuddered and let out a shaky breath.  He was waking up.  My Naruto was-

Now what was going to happen?  What would I say, what was he going to do?  My heart raced.  How much would he remember?  His eyes fixated on me and he blinked slowly.  His voice was slurred, incoherent.

"Shh, don't worry."  I wanted to comfort him, make sure he was... Make sure he...

"Nn, Gaara?" His voice was breathy, soft.  His.  I could still tell who he was through his voice, thank goodness.  I had been slightly worried about it, sort of.  I wasn't sure the thought of him sounding different occurred to me until he actually spoke, but now the thought was there, I was glad he still sounded like Naruto.  A softer Naruto so far, but Naruto.  "Why are... Why are..." His eyes fluttered shut again, and after a moment, his breathing returned to the steady pattern it had been in before.  He woke up.  He would be ok.  I knew he would.  She.

Damn it.

*                 *                 *

My hand hovered over his.  Hers.  I really needed to stop this.  It was just a hand, Naruto was no longer a man, I should get used to this, simply for the reason he was now my wife.  Wife.  I should hold her, _her_ , hand.  Naruto's hand.  Naruto who wouldn't likely remember he was pregnant.  Naruto who might not realize he was now a _she_.  Naruto who had no idea he was no longer an Uzumaki, but the betrothed to the fifth Kazekage of Suna.  Naruto who would never be the same, never go home, never-

I could at least hold his hand.  But... I still felt as though the final act of marrying him was some sort of betrayal.  It still didn't feel real to me.  I was married to Naruto, Naruto was married to me.  I was his husband.  Her.  She was my wife.  Better.  I sighed, willing him to open his eyes.  Her.  I was never going to get used to this.  Naruto is a woman, Naruto is my wife.  Wife.  Every time I thought the word my stomach would do a small twist.  "Wife." I spoke it aloud, wondering if the word would produce the same effect if spoken, and the small twist became a full on ticklish sensation which started in my stomach and climbed up to my heart.

I descended my hand, caught up in the feeling, this odd feeling I was not yet sure I liked though it seemed pleasant enough.  I should focus on it, let it override the doubt, the worry, the fear I had not been able to shake since hearing of Naruto's supposed death, then finding out what the truth was.  The truth was almost worse than I had imagined, yet...

Yet so...

I wasn't sure how to phrase the sentiment, even in my mind.  I didn't feel like myself.  Not only was Naruto a woman, but with child, with my child, a child I didn't want to become attached to because it was killing my precious Naruto and I couldn't shake the guilt on the fact the child was _mine_.  Warmth began to ebb through my hand, threatening to burn me.  I focused on it, worked at wrapping my fingers around his, entwining them.  Holding his hand.  It was a simple enough thing, I wasn't sure why I had so much difficulty with the action.  Maybe because I avoided most contact.

My sand.  I would harm him if I left it there.  I quickly worked at removing the substance from my palms, slowly calling it backwards, allowing it to mix into the sand which covered my arms.  Keeping it close would make it so I could replace it quickly if need be.  Even here, in the depths of the hospital I couldn't be too careful about such things.

I felt a small movement beneath my palm.  A twitch of a muscle, enough to indicate Naruto might wake soon.  My eyes darted up to his face.  Her face.  Naruto was... Naruto _is_...

 _Beautiful_.  It was the only word I could think of.  Without the masks, with the bruises slowly creeping away from her features.  Her.  Definitely _her_.  I needed to force myself to accept this small fact about him.  Naruto, woman, wife, beautiful, and most importantly _mine_.  I squeezed her hand.  Her.  Mine.  She was mine.  I would have her, for as long as we lived she was mine.  Mine.  "Mine." The word was whispered, but it repeated the odd tickling sensation in my stomach.  I decided I liked the feeling as it seemed to form only when I thought of Naruto in this way, in her connection with me.  _Her_.  I will get it right.  I studied her face, the lashes slightly longer than before, her face softer but still very Naruto.  The whisker marks on her cheeks seemed deep. 

Deep?  I reached a hand over him.  Her.  I will get this down.  I wanted... I wanted to feel them.  With my skin.  I peeled back the sand from my hand.  Why was I feeling so... touchy lately?  It was wrong, but I needed to do it.  Touch him.  Touch Naruto.  Yet, I always sort of wondered about the marks he sported on his cheeks.  I wondered if it came from his inner demon.  I had no such marks myself, my main power from Shukaku came from the ability to allow the thing to take over my body.  After some study, the sand had nothing to do with him.  Or my eyes.

I was procrastinating.  It was just a touch.  A simple touch wouldn't hurt, Naruto after all was my wife.  Even if he didn't know it yet.  I was allowed, wasn't I?  My breath caught in my as I moved my hand forwards to his face.  Her.  I was doing it again, mixing up who she now was.  I needed to get it straight, before she recovered.  It might be easier that way, to be less confused about her than I was.  I could at least pretend it was something ordinary.  The change.  Warmth sent a small shock up through my fingers, through my arm and finally settling into my shoulder.  I trembled at the small touch, so unused to the physical connection.  I felt her skin,  her very soft, female skin.  My wife's skin.  I was touching her, my wife, my _Naruto_.

The tickling sensation in my stomach doubled and inched it's way downward.  I watched her a moment, my fingertips lay in a soft, almost not touch to her cheek, not fully able to bring myself to touch the marks which lay just beyond them.  This close there would be no denial on my wife being a woman.  She was soft, her chest rose and fell, from this angle, it was obvious what lay beneath the sheets there.  I swallowed hard, not wanting my body to react to something so simple as a barely there touch and the realization my new wife had something most women do- breasts.  Yet, my body seemed to do it's own thing.  How inappropriate of it. 

I jerked my hand back, let go of her hand and took a small step back.  I breathed deeply through my nose in an attempt to calm the rising heat in my abdomen.  With the touch, with the close proximity, I could see Naruto's newfound femininity in blatant clarity.  It was in her face, the small yet obvious breasts, the curves which had never before been made more obvious by the angle I stood over her, the lack of adam's apple and the small life growing within her.  She, her, woman, wife.  Maybe I would get used to it after all.

*                 *                 *

It was a few more hours before the slight twitch in her hand spread.  Different muscles spasmed, each one I noticed I would stand and hover over her like a vulture to prey.  I willed her to wake, I willed her to open her beautiful eyes.  I willed her to remember, to know, to-

To be alright, to smile, to assure me everything was going to be ok.  Yet, I knew.  I knew the idea was farfetched and illogical.  I would be lucky if she even remembered she was pregnant and a woman.  I hoped she would remember soon, hoped she would stabilize and I could inform her of our quick and non present nuptials.  Married.  I hoped she wouldn't be too angry for this.  Perhaps it was the fact I had not been present, the fact Naruto herself hadn't been present when our marriage became official, on why my marriage still felt like a farce.  I knew it was real, I knew we were now connected in the most personal of ways.

Yet, it still felt wrong somehow.  As though it weren't real.  As though I would wake up and be alone, and Naruto would be dead and all this was in my head right along conjured by some desperate hope of longevity.  I held onto her hand again, entwining my fingers into hers fully, the softness of her skin threatening to burn into my own.  I wondered if she would be alright with me being here.  Holding onto her hand in such an intimate gesture without her even knowing.

I realized, ever since my body reacted to her, fully realized how very much a woman Naruto has become, I hadn't been able to revert back to him.  I marvelled at how easily the switch happened.  Maybe it was because once I acknowledged it I latched onto the idea fully.  Naruto, wife, mine, woman.  A large emphasis on mine.  After all, Hinata gave her to me, why she would let her go was beyond me and I would never do such a thing.

Ever.  Not now she was in my grasp, forced to be connected to me and to be honest, I wasn't sure I fully gave a damn if she didn't want to be married to me or not.  She was mine, I impregnated her, the ultimate claim.  My stomach twisted at the thought, the reminder to myself she was pregnant with my child.  My child.

No, don't.  Don't allow myself to think of it.  I couldn't, I wouldn't allow myself to become attached to something which could so easily not exist.

My focus was centered onto her face the moment a small whimper left her luscious lips.  Soft looking, even as a man she had plump looking lips, only more defined now.  I had the sudden urge to touch them, see if they were truly as soft and velvety as they looked to spite the slight chap they had endured from the breathing apparatus which had been strapped to her face not long before.

Eyelashes fluttered and revealed her beautiful blue eyes.  Clear, innocent, mine.  Every part of her belonged to me now, she would learn this.  Not now, but when she recovered.  I would make sure of this.  Her eyes scanned the area around her before settling onto me.  Her brows furrowed slightly.  Her voice was stronger this time above a whisper, yet hoarse.  "Gaara?  Where am I?"

I couldn't bring myself to say.  I was afraid I could say too much, strain her too soon.  "Safe."  In Suna, with me, in a hospital.  A large emphasis on safe.  Safe and alive.

Her fingers twitched in mine and I gripped her hand tighter.  "You are holding my hand." Her brows remained furrowed.

"Yes." It was obvious wasn't it?

"Why?"

I stared at her a moment, unsure of what to say without giving away anything and settled on something simple.  "I was worried." Truth without details, good enough.

"What... What happened to me?  You came to Konoha for me?  Is it bad?" In spite of her condition she rolled the questions off her tongue in quick fire, her voice rising by the end. 

I frowned.  My presence bothered her in this state.  I removed my hand from hers.

"Wait." Her voice cracked, her eyes widened.  Her arm inched towards me.

I stilled, wondering if she was doing what I thought she was.  "Naruto?"

"Don't, please, I..."  She closed her eyes and turned her head away from me.  "I didn't say I didn't want you to."

The odd tickle returned.  Her words could make it happen as well.  Something I noted in the back of my mind and complied with the unspoken request she made with her open hand.  I returned my hand to hers, entwined my fingers into her own.

Her fingers slowly twitched down around mine until her fingers came into full contact with the back of my hand.  "Your sand..." She didn't finish her statement, she didn't need to.  I knew she meant she noticed it was gone.  She didn't look at me, she kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling, her grip tight on mine, entwined as though our hands were one.  Not another word was spoken by either of us, the conscious connection enough for now, until her grip loosened and her breathing evened back out.  Back to sleep.

*                 *                 *

Moments such as those continued for days, becoming more and more frequent.  She never knew why I was there, she never realized her condition, never knew she was even in Suna, but somehow my presence would calm her every time.  My holding of her hand would calm her, and lull her back into her sleep.  Her voice grew stronger, softer and more melodic with every episode, and I was firmly reminded Naruto was still Naruto, her voice still was very much her own.  Yet... So feminine.  Desirable.  I wanted to listen to her ramble on about nothing for hours, hear the dullness of her days, the high points, the lows. 

I couldn't help but contemplate how my life would be with her.  I felt more hopeful, now she was waking more frequently, slowly regaining strength.  We would have to live in the same house, as was customary of marriages of course.  She would always be present there, making me want to return.  To see her smile.  Hear her laugh.  I could picture us in the kitchen, fussing over food.  I had a guest room, one I would easily kick Hinata out of now she wasn't needed any longer.  In fact, I should see to it she was gone from there before I left the hospital to ready it for my wife.

The guest room.  She couldn't very well stay in mine.  Could she?  Was it even customary to share a room with one's spouse?  I thought on it for a moment and remembered Temari shared a room with her husband, and when I had stayed the one night with-  I felt my face heat up.  Yes, it was customary it seemed.  My stomach twisted as the thought of what else was customary in a marriage rose to my mind.  The reason why it was in fact customary for a husband and wife to share a room and bed.  Share a bed.  With my wife, Naruto, in bed _with_ her.

Not to sleep, but to-

I scooted away from my wife, afraid she would magically wake from her slumber and know precisely what horrible and undignified images were flashing through my mind.  I felt the heat rise in my abdomen, my body reacting to the thought of it.  The heat was followed by a jolt, a pain erupting from the sensitive area of my body being trapped by sand as it reacted harshly to my own conjuring of the possibility of me laying with my wife.  Such a strange concept.  I could barely stand to be touched, yet I found myself craving the exact sensation from her.  Ever since the first time we... Since we...

I shuddered, another great jolt went through my body at the memory, the truth of what we had done, the proof of it laying deep within my wife's body.  I doubled over, the need, the pain my body produced demanding some sort of attention I did not understand overcoming my senses.  I whimpered and my hips jerked, producing another large jolt of... _something_ , which travelled through my entire body.  It _hurt_.  It was wrong.  I needed it to end, yet... I had no idea how to stop it.  My breath hitched in my throat as more images of Naruto flooded my mind, of her on me, of her touch, the feel of her forehead to mine.  The soft sounds which escaped her lips when-

My hips jerked again with another whimper escaping my throat.  I needed... I needed to...  I shut my eyes and focused on the embarrassing images in my mind.  The pressure of the sand which encased me rubbed against my most sensitive area of my body with every jerk my hips made.  I couldn't stop them, the jolts of sensation, of pain, of need consuming me.  What... What was happening to me?  I could barely breathe.  I couldn't stop it, I couldn't-

I groaned as my body shuddered and stiffened.  Pressure which had been building erupted from my body, a shiver of bliss overcome me.  Floating.  I felt so... Relaxed somehow.  What was this feeling?  I gasped for breath as my mind and body came back down from it's place somewhere in the sky.  This feeling, it could be addicting.

When my breath returned to what felt like normal, I opened my eyes.  My face heated faster than I ever thought possible, the sound of sand cracking followed.  I found myself staring into wide blue eyes, a shocked look upon her face.

To say I was relieved she would not remember this horrible scene was a large understatement.

*                 *                 *

I couldn't bring myself to look at her the next few days when she woke, instead allowing myself to be buried within my work.  I paused only to listen when the changes to her occurred, her breathing patterns, the different beats of the heart monitor.  I was beyond embarrassed, thankful nobody had come into the room as my own mind and body betrayed me.  I was horrified when I opened my eyes to see her blushing face staring at me.  My desperate attempt at explaining, her smug acknowledgement of what happened and disbelief I even had the ability to do such a thing.

Which meant she didn't remember the moment we had.  The pain, the blood, the despair, the thing which happened after.  What changed us forever.  What made it so we could never go back to the way we were.  Though, I might not be so ungrateful for such, seeing after she would get better, she would be mine forever.  I knew though, I had to tread carefully.  If she didn't remember what happened between us, it would not only be a shock she was a woman, but of the fact she was pregnant as well.  With my child.  A child she would have no idea how it had been conceived.  This was now the one thing I worried most about.  I hoped she wouldn't notice it.  The baby, her loss of manhood.  Without memory, it would be devastating to her.  In her mind, had she already been married to Hinata?  Was her memory from before?  I wasn't sure.  I wasn't ready to know.

My desires and wishes however were easily in vain.  The next time she woke, she stretched.  There was an audible gasp which broke me from the paperwork I had brought down to me, still not ready to leave my Naruto's side.  Not yet.  Not ever, but I did have a job I needed to do.

She was visibly shaking when I peered over the paperwork, her arms had broken free of their confines which had successfully kept her from finding out her predicament before this.  I had not been paying close enough attention, had not noticed her movement, the tell tale signs of consciousness which indicated she would soon open her eyes.  "What... What the hell?  I'm weird, I am so fucking weird." Her voice cracked at the last word.  Her hands roamed her body, from her breasts, to her slightly rounded abdomen, then lower.  The damage was done already, I allowed her the curiosity. 

I watched instead, running words through my mind for the obvious questions she would have the moment her hands stilled.  I gathered my work and marked where I left off.  I was behind, but Naruto was far more important to me, especially as I heard the heart monitor speed up.  Soon, her eyes were locked onto me, her chest rising rapidly as the rest of her trembled.  Panic was obvious on her face, her eyes wide and beginning to glisten with unshed tears.  "Gaara?  What are- where are we?  What is happening to me, why am I-" Her hands crept up to her stomach and hovered over the bump there, over the small child.  My eyes focused there, with her hands hovering over... With...  "There - There is something in there, Gaara, what the hell is it?  I can feel... How could there be... I don't... What the hell?"  Her hand gripped at the fabric and I silently watched it twist within her grasp.

I needed to do something, my composure leaving me after ever word which left her lips.  The moment I had been dreading.  The moment she noticed something was wrong, but couldn't remember what, or why.  I stood and went to her side.  "Naruto."  I loomed over her, her eyes never leaving me as I did.  My hand errantly went to hers, the one over her abdomen, over... Over...  My heart skipped a beat as my hand settled there, over the child.  Our child.  We had created it together and...

And it could kill Naruto.  I clenched my jaw, remembering my determination to not become attached to the small, delicate yet dangerous life form growing within my wife.  How to deal with this?  I decided to use the tactic I had used on the clone when I was first alone with her.

"Gaara?" Her voice breathy, her eyes no longer wide with shock, the beeping of the monitor slowed.  It happened with every touch and I was relieved even in such a shocked state my touch would still calm her.

"You're dreaming, everything is fine." I kept my voice steady, calm.  A small feat within itself considering the erratic behavior my heart was displaying.

Her thumb moved up and caressed my own, making my breath catch inside my throat.  I kept my face as still as possible, refusing to let my nervousness at her returned touch to my direct skin show in my features.  A small curve to her lip.  "Dream, huh?" She let out a sigh and I could see her shoulders relax back down to the bed.  "Tell me then, what am I dreaming?  It feels a bit fuzzy to me."

Tell her?  _Could_ I?  Was this some elaborate trap to get me to reveal what was going on?  No, she was barely conscious enough to come up with such a scheme, she barely had enough of a conniving spirit to even come up with such an underhanded way into information in the first place.  I sighed in a breathy exhale, allowing my fears to transfer out of my body through the very breath which left me.  I could do this, it would be fine.  I steeled my nerves, play a part, smile, be happy.  Dream Gaara, the one she might dream up if my thoughts on how long she had been attached to me were correct.  I forced my lips into a smile, one which felt uncomfortable to me.  "Don't you remember, Naruto?" I kept my voice sickeningly soft, hoping to pull off what I thought might be a good dream version of me.  I kept my fingers crossed nobody would interrupt this display of mine.

"Remember?" Her voice was breathy, beautiful, feminine. 

I swallowed hard, willing my body not to react to it.  I gripped her hand which still rested on the baby growing deep inside of her.  I felt myself tremble over the skin.  I could do this.  I leaned down and gently brushed my fingers through her hair, barely touching her skin through the short blonde hair, the softness of it sending a shiver up my arm to my back.  "I am your husband, Naruto, and here..." I trailed off, my hand softly pressing onto hers to emphasize what I meant.  "This is where our child grows."

"Child... Such a weird dream." Her eyes began to droop.  "A nice one though.  You will stay with me?"

I stilled.  The idea was not only accepted, but welcomed.  Maybe... Maybe the reality of our situation would go over better than I thought?  "Yes." The word was raspy and held more emotion than I intended it to.  However, she stilled beneath my hand, her breath evened and the monitor once again held it's regular pace.  I couldn't move my hand, it seemed glued to her abdomen, to our child.  The words I spoke, I wanted... Our child.  _Our_ child.  Why must all this be so difficult?

*                 *                 *

A few more days passed.  I was losing track of time, no longer sure what day was which.  I think I had something important to do, but I was not about to leave Naruto in this dungeon of a hospital by herself.  To hell with my siblings and the doctors, it wasn't enough.  I would have to have a full guard of Anbu stationed here before I would allow her to be alone.  I was not about to take any chances on her well being.  I knew I could protect her, I would sacrifice my own life before I would allow any harm to come to her.  Especially in her condition.  Especially now my most precious person was my responsibility.  My wife.  My precious, very much _mine -_ wife.  As the days passed, it became abundantly clear my future was dependant upon her survival and well being.  I needed her to live, needed her to get better, needed to be near, to touch her, to-

"Lord Kazekage."

I narrowed my eyes and glared at my intruder.  "Kimiko, Kankuro."  My very own highly traitorous doctor and my so called brother were standing near me. 

"You need to go, there is a meeting with the council." Kankuro looked defeated before he even spoke.  "They requested you attend.  Mentioned the word mandatory." He sighed, "Damn it Gaara, I get it.  You haven't said a word to much of anyone in over a week, and I get it.  We have left you alone, but damn.  You are the fucking Kazekage, and the council needs you to actually be fucking present."

"I am not leaving her."

He clenched his fist and half growled at me.  We can handle it here for a couple of measly hours while you do the official shit and you can come back and silently hover over Naruto all you want afterwards, ok?" 

"I'm not hovering." I stared at him, knowing the lie within my words the moment the left me.  I grimaced and looked back at my new, still unconscious wife.  She still had no idea where she was, why I was nearby or what had happened.  Not yet.  I knew I was hovering, keeping watch. 

"You can leave, it is fine."

I shifted my gaze to Kimiko.  "The council can wait a little longer, the village will not fall down simply because I am absent for a few more days."

She stepped forward, her hand reached up to my temple and I felt warmth from her seep into my sand, then my skin.  I flinched at the touch, noticing the feel of skin instead of cloth.  She never had touched me before, why now?  "Everything will be fine, Lord Kazekage.  Trust in me."

The words she spoke felt odd, not to mention the heat from her touch made my head hurt.  I jerked away from her, the spot above my nose tightened as I furrowed my brows.  "You touched me."

Her head shifted down, her bare, pale hand in front of her face.  "Yes, it would seem so."

Everything was wrong.  Maybe they were right.  Maybe I should step out for a few hours.  I surprised me with my arising need for fresh air, something I hadn't contemplated until mere moment ago.  "Maybe a meeting will do my mind well." I looked away from them, mainly so I wouldn't see the smug expression I knew Kankuro would have at my admittance. 

I heard a sigh.  "Finally.  Come on then, Gaara.  It should only be for a few hours."

A few hours which would last a lifetime.  I was too worried to want to be away, but the more I thought about it, I knew it would be for the best.  To clear my mind, to reassure my people I was not going to just abandon them because I had gained a wife.  I pressed my finger to the tightness between my eyes, evening out the crease I knew had formed.  Also to massage my forehead a little, not wanting to let on about the pain which was now growing behind my eyes, spreading out into my temples.  Maybe I _could_ do with some fresh air.

I looked back to Naruto.  But only for a few hours.

A few hours wouldn't hurt, would it?

*                 *                 *

My headache became all consuming.  It was all I could focus on, the words the elders and other council members floating around my head like some uncatchable butterfly.  I tried to blink away the pain, but to no avail.  The fresh air, the talking, the politics and documents weren't helping.  The effect was to the contrary and the meetings were now on the fifth hour.  I wanted to go back.  What if Naruto woke up again?  What if she had another episode where she noticed her condition and I wasn't there to calm her? 

"Your thoughts, Lord Kazekage?  The precipice in article fourteen-"

I forced my eyes to focus on the document in front of me.  I needed this meeting to end so I could go back to the hospital.  To see if Naruto was still fine.  Kankuro lied to me, and it was beginning to irritate me they decided to condense my last week and half's worth of meetings into one long session.  They lured me with a promise and tricked me into staying out of political procedure and custom.  If anything happened to my wife because of my absence, they would all pay.  I would paint the room in the deep lively color of their blood, stain it with a message of death to deter such ideas in the future.  "I would move to amend the third section here, it would cause confusion in conjunction to the trade agreement-" I rattled out the words, not even remotely interested in them.  I was so used to the laws, the treaties and articles I could recite half of them without real thought.  The meeting here was pointless and a waste of time. 

There were more words, more documents and my eyes shifted to the clock in the council room.  Tick, tick, tick.  I was getting annoyed with this.  They were keeping me from my wife, and at least one of them knew her condition.  She needed me.  There would be time for tedious meetings in the future and I would welcome their droning hours.  Normally, I was fond of them and was usually the culprit to why they lasted as long as they had.  Maybe they wanted to pay me back for the many long hours I had in turn forced them to stay within these very walls while I went over ever word with a fine toothed comb.

I rubbed my temple.  Perhaps I should take something to ease this pain.  I raised my arm and motioned for Matsuri to come closer for my request.  She followed my silent order, but before I could give her my request for a simple pain killer, we were interrupted.  The entire room shook and my ears rang as a loud explosion sounded from outside.  I stiffened and my heart lept to my throat.  I moved to the window to see if I could tell the direction.

No.

It couldn't be.  I gritted my teeth and shot out my sand, shattering the office window.  The hospital.  The explosion came from the hospital where my wife was currently recovering.  I jumped the moment there was enough room for me to go through, ignoring the glass as it hit the sand around my body.  I fell quickly from the window towards the ground and gathered the sand beneath me.  I caught myself and lunged it forward.  Why had I let them talk me into going to this damned meeting?  What was happening there?

I swear, if anything happened to Naruto...  I growled and forced myself forward.  I needed to get there, _now_.  Smoke rose from the building, people ran from it screaming and I heard a few of them yell out my title.  None of it mattered, all that mattered was underneath the hospital.  Nothing beyond the safety of my wife mattered to me and of all the stupid things to have done, I had left her alone.  When she was most vulnerable, I had left her alone, unprotected.

Mostly unprotected.  My brother, Sakura and Temari were a force to be reckoned with, but none of them had as much ability as I did.  I could protect her, I could encase her in my sand, lend her my ultimate defense as I destroyed whoever would dare attack.  My muscles twitched.  I would destroy whoever did this.  After I ensured Naruto was alright, I would bleed the culprit of the explosion dry, crush their bones into my sand, prolong their deaths, enjoy their pleads as I slowly crushed them under the weight of my sand.  Perhaps I would sever their limbs first, make them watch as everything was ripped away from them before I allowed them the sweet surrender of death.

A deep chuckle escaped my throat.  I would kill today.  I would finally kill today and I felt the excitement rise within me for it.  I had a slight hesitation at the excitement, but quickly tossed the hesitation aside.  If anything called for the blatant destruction of a person it would be due to the threat of the one I treasured most above all others.  They must be daft to even think they could get away with such a thing.

My stomach tightened when I reached the room which hid the door to the lower level of the hospital.  It seemed as though this was the area the explosion had started.  Naruto.

Whoever did this, their target wouldn't have been... It couldn't have been...

I let out a yell and pushed myself harder to reach my wife.  Don't be too late... _Please_...  I wouldn't...

Please be alive, Naruto, _I need you_.  I was going to destroy whoever had the audacity to invade.

Bodies.  Death, I could smell it before I could see it, the stench making me cringe and salivate at the same time.  Except...

Kankuro.  Temari.  Kimiko.  I felt cold.  I rushed past them, not wasting time to check for vitals before bursting into Naruto's room.  There was a man above her, a sword held in both hands, the tip dangerously close to her chest.

"Naruto!" I screamed her name and shot out my sand, too late.

Too late.

 _Too late_.

The blade moved downward in what felt like an eternity, my world disintegrating in the simple movement.  I watched in horror as it slid into her skin with too much ease.  Her back arched violently, her eyes opened in a moment of shock, a deep breath.

A twist of the blade as my sand wrapped around the man above my wife.  I didn't think, I threw him, crushed him, ended him in the lapse of seconds.  I hovered over Naruto as she convulsed beneath me as I tried to figure out how to remove the blade from her, but was interrupted by a liquid cough, blood spilled from her mouth.  "No, please, I-"

"Gaarrrr" Her voice trailed, her face stilled, her convulsions ceased.

Something, in that very moment, broke inside of me.  I pulled the blade from her, blood coming with it.  Blood.  My Naruto's blood.  Why?

Why couldn't I have this?  I was so close, why-

I shook as I felt another life near me and I crushed it without hesitation.

Life.

I could still... There was still...

My breath caught in my throat.  Naruto was gone but... But maybe-

I felt over her stomach, deep inside, there was a small, delicate life and it was fading.  Child.  Our child was dying, like it's mother it-

I whimpered and grabbed my kunai. 

 _Forgive me, Naruto_.

I tried to ignore the sickness in my body as I ripped open the flesh above the child, the blood which oozed out of the body beneath me.

Body.  My Naruto.  She was-

No.  I needed to do this, for her.  I needed to save it.  I had to, without this, I would have nothing left.  Soon, I was able to pass through the last layers of flesh and pulled the tiny body out of it's mother.  It was alive.

I froze.  Now what?  It moved slightly in my hand, my heart raced as I killed yet another attacker, panicked about how to make my baby live.  I needed... I needed to-

Stillness.  It felt as though my heart stopped as the life in my hands also faded away.

Gone.

All of it was gone.

Everything.

Everyone.

I screamed.  It was a scream which erupted from the depth of my soul, the pain surfacing as the weight of death fell upon me.  Naruto, my baby, my siblings.  Gone.  In a single, painful breath, they were gone.  I held the tiny body in my hands to my chest and I fell downwards to the body of my wife, letting out another wail.

_Bodies._

_Alone._

_Gone_.


	50. Love

 

 

#  ** Gaara **

It took me some time to peel myself away from the now sticky, cold and stiff body of my precious wife.  I couldn't let go of our child though, this tiny little body which never had a chance at life.  This tiny, precious child.  I cursed the universe, the stars above, the very air I breathed.  I barely had a glimpse into my life, what it could have been.  Was I so doomed that everything I cared for, everything which would ever mean anything to me be ripped away in the harshest way possible? 

I should never have gone to Konoha.  Naruto would be alive, distant but alive.  A man, a husband and nothing beyond a friend to me, but _alive_.  I should have stayed, I would have been able to protect her, my Naruto, my _wife_.  I felt numb, more numb than I had ever felt before in my life.  Gone.  All of it was gone.

Alone.  I forced my legs forward, the tiny body still held to my chest, just over my heart.  My child.  Those monsters murdered my _child_. 

Anger.  I could feel the sand at my feet agitate as it grew, the reality of death, not only of my precious wife, my siblings, my doctor and the other people who had been attending her from both Suna and Konoha, but of this.  My child.  I had vowed not to become attached, but fundamentally, I knew it was an impossibility for me now.  Strange, how clearly things were once they were gone.

Gone.  Something was going to pay.  Everything was going to pay.

Everyone needed to _pay_.  Pay for the life of my family, of my wife, of my child.  A monster?  I could show them monster.  I was one, once.  I always held back, made sure I was careful, made sure they would look at me as though I were human.

What a charade.  I did it for _her_.  I did everything for her, my beautiful, amazing and bright light of a wife.  I had her.  She was right there, in front of me and I let her slip away.

Gone.

Something needed to die.

I made my way over the bodies of those I cared about, through the rubble which had once been the entrance of the hospital.  I could feel it, life.  The beating of hearts, the movement of air which indicated breath.  The audacity to continue living when my Naruto, my light no longer could take breath.  To allow hearts to continue beating when hers would never again do the same.  _I hated them_.  I hated them for living, for breathing, for moving.  They would pay for it.

They would pay for their luck, their ability to live when nothing should.  Not without light.  Nothing lived without light.

I could feel the sand, here, in Suna, it was everywhere.  It would be so easy, so horrifically easy to end this all.  I trembled and left the hospital, the the streets.  I needed to go to the center of the city.  I could feel their life, pretending nothing happened.  As though the death of light didn't matter.  The death of the child both light and dark had created, before the small being could even take breath.  I held it tighter to me.  For this, they would pay, for her they would pay, but _this_.  This tiny, tangible proof I had somehow filtered into the light, was able to reach out to it and touch it with my own hand.

Yet, they allowed it.  Allowed it to end.  There they were, smiling, walking, _breathing_ as though nothing happened.  I ignored the shouts, the scattering of people.  I think I was covered in blood, my face, my hands, my body.  In Naruto's blood.  In my _wife's_ blood.  I was carrying my dead child, holding the tiny thing to my chest.

My people knew.  They knew I was a monster.  It would serve them well to run, run beyond my grasp and warn the world of my evil.  My darkness, my insanity.  For, without light, darkness only spread.  Without life, death would be the only constant.  With no breath, there would be no air.

They had a right to fear me, for the light had gone, and I was the embodiment of darkness.  Fear.  Fear me.  Despise me, I no longer cared.  What was the point in caring, for what was the reason for life without Naruto?  I could find none.  She had been the reason for life, she had been the hope I clung to when I thought I would lose my mind, she was the one who smiled when nobody else could bare it.

Gone.

I found myself standing on the Kazekage tower.  In the very center.  I couldn't look down, I could feel them there, the people of Suna.  They lived, they laughed, they smiled.  Their hearts beat, their lungs drew in the heat of the desert air.

Today, it ended.

Below me I was surrounded by sand, sand as far as the eye could see.  They expected nothing.  Not yet.  It was going to be easier, when they expected nothing.  I felt out, the small grains of sand responded to me, the familiar dark.  They tickled the edge of my senses, reassured me of their lifeless presence. 

For the first time in many years, I called out to it.  All of it.  I slowly moved the small grains into houses, into markets, into offices and shops.  I allowed the dense sand walls of the underground tunnels, the shopping centers beyond view to begin to crumble.  My sand, in minutes, was everywhere.

For Suna, was made of sand.  Who would think on it?  They wouldn't have time to react.  I felt for life, all of life, deep in Suna.  Every breath, every heart beat.  It ended, everything ended now.

Everything was going to be gone.

Like her.

Like this small child in my arms.

Like my siblings, my doctor and those precious to me.

 _Gone_.

I took a breath, and within a moment, a small flick of my free hand, a mass chorus of screams.  Buildings fell, the ground beneath the city fell creating craters full of lifeless and dying bodies.  Death because life could no longer exist.  My strength, which I capped in order to protect the very people I was now ending.  I didn't want to protect.  I didn't want to live.  I didn't want to breathe.

I couldn't.  Not without... Not when...

I screamed as the last of the lives faded away.  I fell to my knees.  My sand blocked something, a thud within an instant wall towards my back.  Something lived.  I didn't even care what, but life, here, ended.  Sand shot outwards, and followed the life until it was struck down.  It began to fade, and as it began to fade I dared look. 

A shocked expression, pain, blood and dark, metallic sand pulsed around the figure which attacked me.  A brief moment of realization hit me as I looked down to the dying figure of my only son.  I... I had...

What was I doing?  What had I done?  I fell to my knees before him, my hand, my uncontrollably shaking hand to his chest to try and heal what I could.  How could I not have made sure he was safe?  How could I have forgotten him, how could I have-

A hand came up to grab onto mine and I locked eyes with his.  They were beginning to dull, his breath erratic and strained.  "Father... Let me.. Let meeeeeeee." The words ended there, the dull in his eyes spread and drew what life was left there.

Alone.

I was now truly _alone_.

I walked away from the body of my son.  He confronted me, knowing my strength, in order to try and stop me.

He would have truly made a great Kazekage.

I headed away from the death, away from what once had been Suna.  Nothing was left beyond countless bodies, beyond blood and sand and useless items.  I fulfilled what I desired.  I ended life here.  I numbly left through the long stone pass which led in and out of the city.  I just walked, and continued to walk, removing every form of life I encountered.  I knew.  I knew until death took me as well, I would only bring darkness and death.

Death. 

I craved it more than anything else before.

*                 *                 *

My vision blurred and the incessant sound of high pitched beeping filled my ears.  I jerked as my vision cleared to the hospital.  Sand swirled around my feet and I nearly bludgeoned Kimiko who was standing in front of me.  "Ki-Kimiko?" I stuttered on her name, my nerves felt as though they were ready to jump out of my skin.  Kimiko.  Hospital.  Kankuro.

I looked behind me to the hospital bed and felt my body begin to tremble.  Naruto.  The beeping was Naruto.

 _Naruto_.  How?  I was just-

I was just in the desert.  She was dead, I seen her dead, I held her body, she wasn't breathing, she was-

I fell to my knees.  This wasn't possible.  What just happened?

How was she?

"Gaara?  What the hell?"

I took a shaky breath and forced my way to the bed in a half crawl.  I pulled myself up to see her myself.  Breathing, pregnant, attached to the heart monitor which was still beeping happily away.  I peeled the sand away from my hands and touched her, her hands, her face, her arms.  Alive.  Warm.  My Naruto was _alive_.  In my mind's eye I could still see her, lying there so still.  Her eyes dull and full of leftover fear, the blood which had spattered on both her and myself.  It felt so real to me.  I had held her in my arms, felt the stiffening of her body, the warmth leave it.  Yet...

I drew her up into my arms, not even caring if she woke with questions.  I didn't care.  I would never care.  She was alive, and I meant to keep her this way.  "Naruto..."  My arms crept around her, holding her tightly.  "I won't leave.  I will never leave her."

There was a small sigh which sounded behind me.  Words, footsteps.  Everyone was still alive.  Had I been delusional?  Did I need to rest?  My head still oddly hurt, quite badly.  Perhaps I _would_ need rest, if my mind would do such a thing to me.  I relaxed, sitting on Naruto's bed.  I would rest, but with her in my arms.  I would no longer take any chances on her well being.

I felt a tickle on the outside edges of my sand barrier alarm and I readied myself.  I opened my eyes, curious as to the perpetrator and found myself staring at a dark masked ninja.  We stared at each other a moment before he threw the first of many kunai in my direction.  I easily moved them aside, but they were getting far too close to my wife.  I growled.  If he even nicked her, I would make him scream for mercy and give none.  Even if it had been some weird day dream I was not about to deal with that sort of loss again.

 _Never_ again.  I growled at the man and threw my sand at him.  He blocked it with ease, which only served to make me angrier.  "Hold still." I pulled the available sand at my disposal and worked at trapping him in it, but the annoyance was too quick.  Came to close to my wife.  I changed tactics.  I would not lose her, not again.

Not again.

The sand formed around her and I hardened it as much as I could.  I took out the kunai I kept on my thigh and attacked him head on.  The metallic sound of kunai hitting kunai filled the room.  I was wearing him down.  I still had some sand left.  If I just wore him out I could-

A whimper escaped my throat, followed by an unconscious groan as a deep, sharp pain erupted from my back and spread quickly to my chest and stomach.  I dropped the blade and brought my hand to my ribcage where there was some sort of thing poking out from it which shouldn't be there.  My hands shook, my eyes widened as my life bled out around the blade.  I could barely move.

 _Shink_.  A deeper pain shocked through my system and I grunted at the movement of the intrusive thing inside of my body.  How did it even get there?  I hadn't removed-

But I had.  To protect Naruto, I had taken my own armor without realizing it.  Now, all was lost.  Another grunt as whoever held the blade inside me twisted it once more.  My vision was beginning to blur.  No, I couldn't die, not yet, not when Naruto was...  When...

I felt cold.  A foot came to my back and I fell forward off the blade, the impact of the floor jolting the pain from my bleeding wound through my body.  So this was how it ended, with me on the floor, unable to even save to one person... Yet...

The sand around Naruto was already beginning to crumple away.  I was going to take them with me.  All of them.  Death was not an unfamiliar thing to me, so it did not bother me so much.  I probably deserved it anyway.

Death...

I needed...  I was struggling for breath, the movement of my hands became more laborious.  I needed to...  I gave a shaky, mostly mumbled yell.  The sand shot forward, the barrier gone from Naruto, but formed thin threads of sand which spread out in one swift motion, bludgeoning everything in its path.  I watched as bodies fell in front of me, my vision faded as one stilled in front of me.  I felt the warmth of blood fill my throat, the metallic tang filled my mouth as a deep and horrendous ache filled my entire body.  I couldn't move.

I couldn't breathe.

A man stood over Naruto, a blade dangerously close to her chest.

It was for nothing.

All of it was for nothing.

*                 *                 *

I stared at Kimiko, her hand hovered over my forehead.  I jerked back away from her.  This wasn't happening.  What in the hell was going on?  I felt my entire body tremble and I brought my hand to where the gaping hole had been just a moment before.  Solid.  I looked behind me, Naruto was still there, laying there peacefully.

Alive.  We were all alive.  How?  I had thought what happened before had just been some sort of waking nightmare, but now?  I wasn't so sure.  This couldn't be some odd coincidence.  Something was wrong, extremely wrong.  The headache I had been suffering from before was only getting worse.  I groaned and rubbed my temple.  "I have a headache.  I will be staying here."  There was going to be an attack.  The man who killed Naruto was the same both times, which meant there would be many to defend against.  I would have to prepare this time, make sure we both lived.  I had to.

Kimiko backed away from me and gave a small nod.  "Lord Kankuro, it would be best if we leave them be."

They continued to speak as they left the room, but I ignored them, instead I stared at my wife.  I had to beat it this time.  I had to save us.  I had no idea what was going on, but if any of this had even a thread of reality to it, I needed to take advantage of knowing what was to happen.  I worked at spreading my sand through the room, the waiting room.  In every nook, in every corner and pocket.  I would be fully prepared this time.  I would be waiting for them.  I would destroy them. 

I sat.

I waited, floating my sand up in random areas, waiting for it to trigger so I knew when the attack would start.

A few hours passed, and it began, on time.  The masked man, the man with a middle sized sword.  I fought them off with the sand I had lain in waiting for them.  I surprised _them_ this time.  I was able to catch the man who had murdered my precious wife, _twice_.  I removed his stomach, his kidneys, his heart, all while he still lived, begging me for mercy.

At least, when the man who killed Naruto and I from the floor, I had the brief satisfaction of tormenting my Naruto's first killer.  That was something.

*                 *                 *

I kept reliving the nightmare, over and over and over again.  Honestly, I was becoming sick of it.  Though, with every new start, I was getting closer to saving Naruto.  They must have prepared for me, my abilities.  Had Naruto also been awake and at full strength I wouldn't lose so much time and chakra protecting her, but she was.  These people knew it somehow.  They decided to attack while she was at her weakest, while I was at my weakest.  I vowed to end all of them.

But not this time.  I was getting tired.

I formed a sand spike as the time once again reset and I found myself standing in front of Kimiko and my brother.

"Goodbye."  The spike lodged itself into my heart, the pain welcomed as the world darkened.  I was tired.  It amused me as they screamed and rushed to my side.  At least, I would have a few minutes-

Kimiko's hand hovered over my forehead.  Well, a few seconds of peace anyway.

*                 *                 *

I felt tired, I felt numb and my head freaking hurt.  So much it felt as though it might explode any moment.  I was getting sick of this.  These bastards came from everywhere at different intervals and I was sick of it.  This needed to end.  I needed to live, Naruto needed to live, my family needed to live and every single one of them needed to suffer a fate which equaled the many times they brutally murdered everyone I knew and loved.

Loved.  I looked at Naruto.  Love.  Was love the word I would use to describe the intense need for her?  The pain I felt every time I watched her die?  The desperation in the last moments of helpless abandon?

Love.  Yes, I think it would be the correct word for it.  What an odd time to realize it.

*                 *                 *

I glared at Kimiko.  The last time we died it was because she got in the way, and while she had no idea what she had done, it annoyed me greatly.  What if it had been the time I finally ended this damned nightmare?

"Lord Gaara?" Her voice was annoying and soft.  Curious.

"Stay in the other room, no matter what you hear from there."

It had been an order.

One she blatantly ignored.

The next time I started over I killed her.  It only lasted for that particular run through, but at least it released my aggression towards her.

*                 *                 *

If anyone ever mentions the idea of a time loop being fun, I was going to kill them.  _Slowly_.  Maybe I would remove their arms, then reattach them, let them heal, then rip them off again.  Just so they have a slight idea of how much _fun_ this is.

I glared at the man hovering over my wife with a large blade just over her chest.  I had figured out how to restrain Kimiko.  Unfortunately the distraction of keeping her where she was presented the challenge of keeping my focus in this room.

Next time.

*                 *                 *

I was positive my head was going to explode.  How many times had we died now?  I lost count after around twenty.  It was also the marking point I stopped talking to Kimiko and my brother at the start of every loop.  I simply glare at the both of them and shove them out of the room with sand before they could say another word.  They annoyed me.  I was sick of it all.  I wanted it to end.  Maybe this was my punishment for going insane the first round through.  Was I thankful for the second chance?

Of course I was.  And the third, and the fourth, and the fifth...

Now, I was kind of getting tired of it, almost wishing I stayed dead one of these times.  Though, once again I noticed someone attack from beneath the floor.  From what I could tell, there was nothing below it.

I decided, as I bled out while the man from the floor slit my wife's throat, I was going to start memorizing the exact locations they all were from the start.

*                 *                 *

It took me twelve more times of ridiculous reincarnation before I had it down.  My head hurt so badly now I could barely think straight anymore.  But, I now knew where all twenty eight of the attackers were located, at every moment between the time I came to, to the time they attacked.  What movements they made when I did one thing, the changes which would happen if I did something else to deter the previous ones.

I was sure the next one would be the last.  The one time I would be able to stop them.  I smiled, as I lay dying on the floor near Naruto, watching the twenty eighth attacker close in on her.

The last piece of the puzzle, the movement unknowingly filling the last gap in location for me.

*                 *                 *

I smiled warmly at Kimiko this time.  Her hand hovering slightly above my head.  I was sure I had it down this time.  She turned from me, grabbed Kankuro's arm and led him away from me.  I frowned at her.  That was... Different.  I didn't like different.

Also... My headache.  It was gone.  It was gone?  How could it be gone, it only worsened with every loop restart.  Unless...  My eyes widened and I looked behind me to my wife.

Maybe, I would have to be careful this go around.  Just in case.  I sent my sand out.  Moved it into strategic locations though the hospital.  To areas I knew they would be at specific times through the day.  I had gone searching for them, and I had encountered them each time in the same spots, and I was able to successfully remove some of the more annoying threats without even having to lay eyes on them.

In perfect harmony my plan worked, I was able to end seven of the twenty eight attackers before they even got near the entrance of the hospital basement.  I killed nine more during the explosion which let them invade, hidden well within the explosion, making it look as though they had been careless.  I couldn't expose myself to the remaining ninja, not yet.  I needed them to be unaware of my knowledge of their locations.  I needed them to split up.  Which, with perfect accuracy they had in the precise way I predicted.  Everything was going perfect to plan.  I was going to win this time.  I could feel it.

Eight more down.  It only left the attackers I would have to fight directly.  The masked man was the easiest as he was the one I fought most often.  I had become easily accustomed to his movements, his abilities.  Same as the man with the smaller blade.  It was at this moment I moved the planted sand I left in the other room for Kimiko, effectively holding her in place and out of my way.

This left two more.  The swordsman who killed us the most, and the man who attacked from the floor.  The man with the sword attacked first, like before.  I skillfully blocked his attacks, and at the precise moment, I shot my sand backwards, piercing the man who rose from the floor silently behind me between the eyes.  The shock from the man's quick death made the swordsman hesitate and created the opening I needed to push my sand into his chest.  His eyes widened as my blade of sand edged further into him.  I had killed him many times, but I felt a special need for revenge on the many times he had not only killed me, but my wife and subsequently my child.  I neared him as his sword fell to the ground.  I raised my hand to the handle of the sand sword I created and gripped it tightly, pressing it personally deeper into his body.  I smiled at him, a smile I kept to myself, a smile I knew was only reserved for those I killed for fun.  "Please die." A borrowed phrase, but fitting in the moment.  I tightened my hold on the thing, and a wave of pleasure came through me as I twisted the blade inside of him, the sound of ripping flesh filled my ears, the scream which fell his lips more satisfying than any other kill before.

He was the last.  The very last, and I watched him fold over in a bloody heap of death at my feet.

*                 *                 *

It was hard for me to calm down after this.  Time moved forward, and I had no idea why.  Yet...

It was over.  Or was it over?  I had lived through it so many times I had no idea what reality was anymore.  I refused to move out of the hospital room for them to process it, but I removed what was left of the bodies there myself, moved them to the next room.  Until they moved Naruto, I was staying in this decrepit room.

I was going to take her home with me.  Very soon, as in today.  I was not going to wait any longer, I didn't care if she was fully stable yet, and obviously her location did not matter in her safety.  She was _my_ wife.  So she would stay in _my_ house.  To hell with everyone else.  I removed the blood from my hands, then my sand.  I sat next to her and entwined my fingers around hers.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

It was the most beautiful sound in the world when in conjunction with her.  I held my breath as I watched the clock.  It was almost time.  The time everything normally reset.  I squeezed my wife's hand, not ready to start it all over again, hoping this was the time everything stayed the way it was meant to be.

 _Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick._   The time felt as though it was going slower than normal, possibly because I found myself watching the clock.  My heart lept to my throat as the little arrow pointed to the numbers time ended.  _Please, not this time.  Let me keep her, please, just let me keep her..._

The arrows slowly slipped past the numbers.  Then on to the next numbers.  I let out my breath, I tried calming my heart.  It was over.  Everything was over.  I felt moisture gather in my eyes.  Over, safe.  My Naruto was alive and safe, my baby was-

 _Shink._ A groan.

I froze.  I knew that sound.  The sound of a blade entering a body, but-  I rushed my sand behind me, feeling for the new threat.  Why?  Why was this still happening, everyone was accounted for!  There was a deep groan as I felt my sand make contact with the culprit.  I turned to see what happened and I seen a body on the floor, bleeding out, and another figure barely standing.  One I recognized immediately, only inches away from me.  "Kimiko?"

She trembled beneath her shroud and gave a quick gasp for air.  She fell forward then, half landing on me.  "Gaara no Sabaku, I almost missed-" Her voice squeaked and her body gave a quick convulsion.

"Forgive me." I began to rip away the layers of cloth she held close to her body, digging down for her skin, her injury.  Blood.  Blood was soaking through her clothing, making it heavier.  "Sakura!" I screamed the name.  I had managed to keep everyone alive.  Alive.  Breathing, hearts beating.  I was not about to lose her, not Kimiko.  She may have been my doctor, but she was my closest friend and confidante beyond my siblings and Naruto.  She knew things of me most did not, things Naruto didn't know.  Seen my well hidden body.  Knew my inner workings, knew the best way to heal me.  She was an amazing doctor, and amazing friend.  I was not going to lose her.  Not like this.  Why?

Why had she protected me?  I heard footsteps enter the room as I continued on the task of removing her layers.  She was much thinner than I expected, I never realized how many layers she wore before this.  She gasped for breath and I pulled away the cloth which covered her face and head, removed her tight visor.

I froze the moment we locked eyes.  Her eyes were uncomfortably blank, with no pupils, no irises.  Just...  Just a swirling off white held within them.  Those eyes, I knew those eyes.  I flinched at the sight of them, but forced myself to continue working on her.  "Breathe, Kimiko." My voice cracked at the words.  So, she hid for a different reason beyond being touched.  She didn't want me to know.  I couldn't care about that right now.  I needed to save her, she was my friend, precious to me.  _Is_ my friend, would remain so.  I pressed my hand to her wound, the blade had come straight through her, but it felt as though it missed her vital organs.  Thank goodness.  I pressed my chakra into her, feeling the ripped tissues inside her body and worked at reconnecting them. 

I was too slow, I wouldn't be able to save her by myself.  A hand moved mine away and I looked up into green eyes.  Sakura.  She had heard me.  "Thank you."

She gave a curt nod and went to work, the glow emanated from her hands, her eyes set in concentration.  I shifted my eyes back to hers.  Swirling, pained.  "I'm supposed to die now..."

"Not yet.  Remember?  You said I was to kill you, and this wound was not inflicted by me.  You cannot die this way." My voice was soft as I connected her past to her present.  I had waited for so long for her to return, and she had weaseled herself into my life without me realizing it.  She had become a necessary presence, the person who helped me regain my strength after I had died, the one who calmed me when my panic attacks started.  I couldn't lose her.  Not like this.

"Not ready to kill the monster yet?"

I scoffed, Sakura moved and a whimper of pain escaped Kimiko's lips.  Monster?  She had no idea what I was even capable of.  The first round of my time loop, I had killed everyone.  Everyone.  I wasn't sure I liked having the knowledge I was capable of such a thing.

She raised her hand up to me.  "Blood, on your face..." Like before, all those years ago.  I stiffened as her bare fingers touched my sand and-

I was standing on top of the Kazekage tower, covered in blood, a chorus of screams echoed beneath me.

I trembled as my mind crashed back from the moment and I jerked away from her touch.  My eyes widened.  Her.  It had been _her_.  "You." My breath hitched.  A moment.  To return the favor.  I was hit with the weight the words, the knowledge held.  Had it not been for a lapse in my judgement as a child, she would not have been here, I would not have seen what had happened, I would have destroyed Suna.

And she _knew_.  Maybe she was more of a monster than I thought.

*                 *                 *

"Gaara, we need you to help us."

"I am not leaving." I glared up at Temari.  After Kimiko had been stabilized and transferred upstairs I had resumed my post at Naruto's bed, holding her hand.

"It's for Naruto.  To ready her new room, you want to oversee it, don't you?"

I growled at her.  Yes, I did.  Unfortunately, I also needed to stay with Naruto and she was hardly in the condition to just lay idly by while I rearranged my guest room to accommodate a full sized hospital bed and medical equipment.  I was also going to need to transform the lower level living area into a meeting room so I could work from home for a while.  At least until Naruto was fully stable, and I was able to drag myself away from her.  It was the second part, if I was being honest with myself, which would be the hardest of the two.  I had just spent a countless amount of time watching her die, over and over and over again.  I couldn't get the image of her lifeless body out of my mind.

I wondered if the weight in my stomach, the one which formed every time the image flashed through my mind, was something she dealt with as well.  I knew she hated remembering my own, very real death.  I wondered if she seen me just as cold and lifeless in her mind.  I wondered if it was the reason...

I sighed.  I needed to.  But I couldn't.  I had to leave, had to prepare for her arrival, and I would be the quickest at setting up the room.  I knew it had to be me if I wanted it to be done with today.  I hadn't even told my son yet.

I wondered if I could look at him, knowing I had killed him, even if it had only been a vision.  "I'm not ready.  She needs me, Temari."  I clenched my jaw.  Truth.  Fear.  Lies.  I knew I needed to stay more than Naruto needed me to.

"She will be home soon, Gaara." The warmth of touch fell upon my shoulder. 

 _Home_.  The place I lived, it was hardly home to me.  It was merely the place I resided when I was not working, the place where my brother and son lived.  I could care less about the residence itself.  Home.  I wanted...  "Do you think I can make her happy, Temari?"  My hand slipped easily out of hers and my hand travelled to her abdomen.  I felt downwards, the life present, very alive.  My child, her child.  Ours.  Could I make a home for them?  Why couldn't I see it where I was now?  Was it because of the connection the place had to my father?

"Yes." One word, full of meaning.

My heart swelled.  I could do this.  I could make her happy.  I could be a good father.  I had to be.

I had to be.

"Let's go." I hated the words, but they were needed.  A pain ripped through my chest as I removed my hand from where our child grew and I turned to exit the room.  I had to bring her home.

 _Home_.

This was something I needed to figure out.

*                 *                 *

I destroyed everything in the room in minutes.  Nothing in it mattered.  It had only been there to keep guests satisfied by not forcing them to sleep on a barren floor.  There would be no more guests in this room.  It was now Naruto's room.  The one she would be staying in until...

I crushed the existing bed into sand to keep my mind from straying to where that particular line of thought would take it.  The sooner I cleared the room, the sooner she would be here.  It had been twenty minutes, and it was twenty minutes too long, in my opinion.  I watched her die, I felt the life leave her body, leave our baby's body.  I wasn't about to let it happen.  I would make her comfortable.  I would do everything in my power to bring in the best doctors, the best midwives.  I needed them.  Both of them.

Crunch.  The bedside stand, dresser and the mirror was now part of my sand.  I likely was going a little overboard on clearing out the room, but I didn't care.  This place, it would be Naruto's.  When she was well enough, I could take her shopping.  In spite of my hesitation to be near _them_ , I would take her.

I was going to make her happy, no matter the personal cost.

*                 *                 *

I stared at my wife.  It had only taken an additional hour to get her transported to my residence and another hour of careful maneuvering to get both her and the hospital bed up the narrow stairs of the place.  No, this couldn't be our home.  Not here.  It was far too impractical to raising a family.

A family.

 _My_ family.  A wetness formed inside the sand beneath my eyes.

How strange.

*                 *                 *

Shinki stood in the doorway of Naruto's room.  He had been there for nearly a half hour, but hadn't budged or spoken.  I could feel his eyes on me, but I felt guilty.  My only son, for now anyway.  I had no idea what the baby was yet, I had barely spoken to anyone about my wife's condition, only recently allowing myself to acknowledge the full extent of it.

"They identified the body, of the man who attacked Kimiko."

I stiffened.  Kimiko.  She was still in critical condition, but she was alive.  I knew there was much for me to talk to her about, but for now I would be fine with her being simply 'alive'.  "Yes?"

"He was a prison guard, for the prison from beneath the tower.  There is... There is a prisoner missing."

Missing?  "Who?"

"The only name given was Nobu.  Some guy who was caught conspiring to kill you."

I swiveled my head to look at him, my eyes wide.  "Was there anyone else there arrested for the same thing?" There was an immediate twist in my gut.  I had a bad feeling about this.

"No."

I stared at him a moment.  Nobu was it?  Had he lied to me about being a simple crook?  Had I become such a bad judge of character?  "I should have killed him when I had the chance."

His brows furrowed.  "Father?"

I turned back to Naruto and entwined our fingers together.  "It is nothing."

A sigh, the sound of steps.  "Is she seriously the Hokage?"

I nodded, wanting to remove the image of my lovely wife from the masculine and powerful image Naruto had been only months before.

"I guess I can be okay with it then.  I guess."

I looked up to him and he wore the blank expression I knew he had learned from me.  His eyes were fixed on her and I studied his features a moment.  "Thank you."

He shrugged and turned from me.  He held up one hand.  "Later, I need to do something." He left.

There was much I needed to do concerning him.  This was as much a change for him as it was me.  I needed to assure him he would always be my son.  Assure him I wouldn't take away his chance at being Kazekage, far from it.  Even if it didn't actually happen, he had confronted me.  In the moment of his death, he had shown me he could make a great Kazekage.  With more training.  With more trust.

I sighed, and the beeping of the monitor fluxed.  I looked up at my wife's face to be confronted with her beautiful, bright eyes.  "Why am I in your house in a hospital bed, Gaara?"

I squeezed her hand.  "Go back to sleep, Naruto.  You need your rest."

She raised up her hand.  It was a slow movement, one I helped along once I realized what she was doing.  She was still weak, very weak.  But _alive_ , so I was fine with the weak.  She studied our hands, our fingers entwined and touching.  She lowered them back down, or rather her arm fell and I caught it half way, gently returning it to her side.  "Stay then.  Just stay." Her words were soft, but full of an emotion I wasn't sure on.

"Always."  I would.

I would always stay with her.

She was my wife.

_My wife._

I watched as she drifted back to sleep.  She didn't know yet, but I would ensure she did, when I was ready to say it.

I needed her.  Not because she was the light in my dark.

Not because she was Naruto.

Not because she carried my child.

But because I loved her.  I loved her with every fiber of my very being, and I would do anything, _anything_ to ensure her happiness.

Because I, Gaara no Sabaku am in love with my wife.

My Naruto.  A deep warmth spread through my chest at my thoughts. They were so clear to me now.

I _love_ her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!  For now anyway.  I can't believe this is the end of the first part, I hope you all enjoyed it.  I am thinking the title of the next part will be 'Unbearable Weight of Leaves' What do you think?  Any other suggestions?  I still need to make some sort of cover for it too.  I tried to hint about the time loop by naming the last chapter 'future tense' but I don't think anybody fully got it, though it is likely a type of genjutsu.   Also- woo, JJ, you guessed Kimiko's identity!  Thank you for the suggestion too.  I actually planned for her to die here, but she managed to pull through lol.
> 
> Reviews/comments always serve to inspire
> 
> <3


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